Tag: humour

Kentucky Coal Mining Museum in Harlan County switches to solar power – The Washington Post

“It is a little ironic,” said a museum spokesman. “But you know, coal and solar and all the different energy sources work hand-in-hand. And, of course, coal is still king around here.”

Source: Kentucky Coal Mining Museum in Harlan County switches to solar power – The Washington Post

“Not funny”: Donald Trump and his team condemn “Saturday Night Live” and its “mean-spirited” jokes – Salon.com

“SNL” becomes a target as Donald Trump and his aide Sean Spicer don’t find the show’s attacks funny VIDEO

Source: “Not funny”: Donald Trump and his team condemn “Saturday Night Live” and its “mean-spirited” jokes – Salon.com

Clarke and Dawe: Democracy in Australia, a work in progress – Clarke and Dawe – ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Australian Electoral Commission regional manager, Mark Eachbox

Source: Clarke and Dawe: Democracy in Australia, a work in progress – Clarke and Dawe – ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

That Time John Oliver Took Down The Tobacco Industry

Why is our fake news so much better than our “real” news? Oh, never mind, we all know the answer. Via Rolling Stone:

As Last Week Tonight host John Oliver notes early in his incredible, 20-minute examination of the global battle being fought over tobacco advertising, the smoking rate in the United States has dropped from 43 percent in 1965 to 18 percent today thanks to strict laws outlawing cigarette ads.

With America largely kicking its smoking habit, the tobacco industry has been forced to make up the revenues abroad, leading to court battles in countries like Australia, Uruguay and Togo, one of the 10 poorest nations in the world.

Oliver’s takedown also focuses on the extreme lengths companies like Philip Morris International are going to place their products in the hands of the youth, including a Marlboro-sponsored kiosk outside an Indonesian school where teens can purchase a single cigarette for a dime.

You’re F***ed, Tony

Guest blogger Ross Sharp explains why . . . and he pulls no punches.From awful to f***ed in the space of one brief week, Prime Minister Tony Abbott, our Dear Leader, the walking, talking testicle of contemporary Australian  political life, and embodiment of everything that is, and has been wrong with it these last several years, has morphed toot sweet from the once proudly simian gaited and throbbingly tumescent Cock ‘O’ the Walk and King of the Hill to flaccid impuissance, an instant noodle body-slammed into a bowl of his own steaming hot faeces.

Communications Minister and former Prime Ministerial hopeful Malcolm Turnbull now wakes every morning, and smiles, broadly, deftly tap-dancing his way from bed to shower, belts out a chorus or three of “Puttin’ on the Ritz”, follows it up with a softly gleeful rendition of “Singing in the Rain”, and fantasises about ramming the thick, block head of his most loath’d nemesis Cory Bernardi into a wood-chipper.

Foreign Minister Julie Bishop tingles with coldly exquisite anticipation at every paragraph of ridicule and criticism of Abbott she reads, licks her lips, and trippingly tra-la-la’s her way down to the nearest high class fashion district to shop for new blouses and matching pearls, some sensible shoes, and other items of elegantly understated garb to best befit a Prime Minister in impatient waiting.

Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard, still with steel in her veins, and who bore the brunt of Abbott’s base, savage primal brutalism, and never once cracked under his  witheringly incoherent barrage of gonad-driven misogynistic hatred and contempt – “Make an honest woman out of her” – finishes watching another episode of “Game of Thrones”, lets her hair down, throws back her head, erupts with peals of glorious laughter.

North American citizen and billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, Tweeting fool, boils with decrepit and aging rage and demands, DEMANDS, to blame it all on the barren bitch who runs Abbott’s office (the women are destroying the joint), instructing the always compliant polyps who cling to the increasingly desiccating organs of his Fish Wrapper Paper Empire to confect some righteous outrage over the whole goddamn thing, GODDAMMIT!, and help him elect a new Prime Minister to his liking. News Corpse. Morality on page one, tits on page three, on page thirty-seven, you can find an advertisement for sex call lines where a fifty-two year old woman on a disability pension will mimic an eight year old in a school tunic so that you can masturbate into a sock for sixty bucks, all major credit cards accepted.

“Quality journalism”, I think he calls it.

“There is something about the state putting the power to bully into the hands of subnormal, sadistic apes that makes my blood boil” (Gore Vidal).

You’re f***ed, Tony.

F***ed.

It’s delicious.

Clap hands. Clap hands.

Prince Philip ‘extremely deserving’ of Australian knighthood says minister; PM facing continuing backlash from party colleagues

Prince Philip notches up a milestone

Two Federal Government frontbenchers have defended Prince Philip’s contribution to Australia, as Prime Minister Tony Abbott faces an internal party backlash over his decision to grant the British royal a knighthood.

Mr Abbott’s move, revealed on Australia Day, has both puzzled and angered many of his colleagues keen for the Government to start the year on the front foot.

But frontbench Senator Michaelia Cash has described Prince Philip as “extremely deserving” in terms of the contribution he has made through schemes like the Duke of Edinburgh’s award.

“The backlash will be the backlash. Some people don’t agree with the decision,” she said.

“I’m all about celebrating. I choose to celebrate achievements. And both Angus Houston [also knighted on Australia Day] and Prince Philip have significant records of community service when it comes to the Commonwealth and Australia.”

She described the controversy over the decision as a “small distraction” from the bigger picture for the Government.

This morning senior minister Mathias Cormann dodged questions about whether the Prime Minister made the appropriate decision.

“I’m not a commentator. That was a decision that was made by the Prime Minister,” he told the AM program.

“Prince Philip has made a significant contribution in Australia. He’s made a significant contribution in particular to the Duke of Edinburgh award, to the lives of hundreds of thousands of young Australians.”

Queensland MP says ‘didn’t believe’ announcement

Yesterday, Cabinet ministers told the ABC they were bewildered, angered and dismayed by the award of a knighthood to the duke.

Two Queensland coalition MPs have broken ranks to publicly criticise the move, which other MPs have called “a stupid announcement”, “beyond ridiculous” and “another error of political judgment”.

Coalition MP Ewen Jones said he agreed governors-general could be eligible to be made knights or dames, but not British royals.

“I didn’t believe it,” he said.

“I thought of all the things we could do on Australia Day … Townsville’s citizen of the year was a 50-year volunteer of the Girl Guides. I think there’s a lot more for Australia that she’s done than Prince Philip.”

But Mr Jones does not think the decision reflects on the Prime Minister’s political judgment or on the Government.

“Everyone knows that Tony Abbott holds the monarchy very close to himself,” he said.

“This is a captain’s pick in which he’s made it very clear that this is what he wants to do. This has nothing to do with Government policy; it has nothing to do with process.

“This is something that Tony believes we as a nation need to do. I disagree, but I don’t think this shows that he is disconnected from the Australian people at all.

“Would I have done it? No. But do I object to him doing it? No, I don’t object to him doing it.”

MP says decision adds to ‘downward spiral’

Another MP was more forthright, saying the announcement took the edge off what could have been a good message for Australia Day and showed the Prime Minister’s misunderstanding of where Australia is at.

The MP said it was “a stupid announcement” and “manifestly amazing in the worst possible way”.

He said “it just adds to the downward spiral” because, while MPs are giving their “unswerving support” to Mr Abbott, “he comes up with Prince Philip”.

A second Queensland MP, Warren Entsch, said “for the life of me, I can’t understand why” Mr Abbott decided to honour a British royal.

Another MP said “everyone’s scratching their heads” at “another error of judgment”, adding tongue in cheek that it was appropriate in the centenary of Gallipoli for the Prime Minister to keep blowing the whistle, ordering troops to keep going over the top “only to face certain annihilation”.

“Beyond ridiculous” was yet another Coalition response.

Independent senator Nick Xenophon said Prince Philip already had “every title under the sun”.

“This is a bit like giving Bill Gates an abacus,” he said. “I don’t know what he’s going to do with it.”

Senator Xenophon said he did not see any upside to the Prime Minister’s decision to reinstate Australian knighthoods.

“When the Prime Minister made this announcement about a year ago, I thought it was wackily quaint and anachronistic,” he said.

“But now it’s just become an acute embarrassment, just plainly ridiculous.

“I reckon the Prime Minister is pushing his luck with backbenchers on this one.”

Liberals Great Successes: Booming Economy And A Reduction In Global Warming!

Unemployment Rate

“Today’s ABS Labour Force release is further evidence that the jobs market strengthened towards the end of 2014.

The Coalition Government is delivering our Economic Action Strategy to generate jobs and grow a more prosperous economy.

Today’s release shows that employment is growing, unemployment is coming down and more people are actively looking for work.

37,400 new jobs were created in the month of December, building on the 45,000 new jobs created in November and the unemployment rate fell to 6.1 per cent.

In 2014, 213,900 new jobs were created and jobs growth averaged around 17,800 per month; more than triple the average monthly jobs growth in 2013 of around 5,000 a month…

We have delivered on our commitments to get rid of the job destroying carbon and mining taxes, we are assisting small businesses to grow by removing red and green tape, and we are getting major projects underway with environmental approvals worth one trillion dollars; projects that will provide tens of thousands of jobs far into the future…

“2015 is the year of jobs and families – the Government will continue to focus on job creation because it’s good for individuals, it’s good for families and it’s good for the economy”

Eric Abetz

Yep, you’ve got to hand it to those Liberals. A year of “jobs and families”. That explains why the 2014 Budget was so unfamily friendly. It just wasn’t the year for them, but thankfully 2015 is their year.

Of course, they’ve already got off to a flyer on the jobs front: Unemployment is coming down. It’s 6.1%! We haven’t seen a figure like that since… Well, August, 2014. If it continues to fall at this rate, it’ll be back to those pre-Budget days when it was 5.8% by… Let’s see, if we assume that the rate of the fall from November to December is a trend and we extrapolute into 2015, then, why, we’re back to 5.8% by January. And we’ll be back to what it was under Labor before the Ides of March. Excellent!

Now, don’t go listening to the doomsayers that tell you taking the figures from November all the way through to December isn’t a trend. They clearly don’t understand that the figures are from the start of November all the way through to the end of December. A whole sixty one days! That’s more than most of the Liberals’ policies have lasted.

Speaking of policies, much has been made of the effect of dropping the carbon tax, but, as you’ve probably noticed 2015 hasn’t been as hot as 2014. While I don’t wish to get into a debate on climate change using facts and figures, or indeed any data that doesn’t suit my argument, I would just like to point out that the “warmists” have no way of explaining this pause in global warming.

And, what’s more, it occured after the removal of the carbon tax. – a tax which sent lamb roasts soaring to $100 and wiped Whyalla off the map. So those people who made exaggerated claims about what removing it would do, should now apologise for their alarmist nonsense! It just shows how effective their direct action policy is!

Yep, Australia is again open for business. The only slight dampener is that the renovations to The Lodge are taking so long.

“Some $3.19 million worth of work on the 88-year-old, 800sqm, 40-room Georgian-style home began in September 2013 and was due to be completed by mid 2014. It was commissioned by the former ALP government, but on December 12, the Abbott government signed off on changes to the contract, adding another 12 months to the completion date and upping the price tag to $6.38 million.”

I guess this is another example of Labor not meeting a deadline and going over budget! Thank goodness the Liberals are in power so they can double the budget and increase the deadline to a more realistic two years for a renovation project. (If you bet anyone before the election that Tony Abbott would never make it into The Lodge, I hope you haven’t paid out.)

Still perhaps this one of the major projects providing thousands of jobs that Abetz was talking about.

Yes, I’m looking forward to the “job and families” 2015 when unemployment dips to under 6%.

And, of course, if it doesn’t, that’ll just be because we’ve encouraged all those bludgers to start looking for a job, so naturally the participation rate will rise, which could lead to the unemployment rate rising. But that’ll just be a technical rise. We know that more people are working than ever, even if some them are on 457 visas, or Chinese nationals working under our new free trade agreement.

The main thing is that Australia is open for business!

In An Amazingly Stupid Statement, French President Tells Nation That Terrorist Acts “Have Nothing To Do With Muslim Religion”

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Paris (CT&P) – During an address to the nation earlier today, French President Francois Hollande told his countrymen that the actions of four filthy pig-dog Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs “had nothing to do with the Muslim religion.” Mr. Hollande made the statement with a straight face.

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The address to the nation was made shortly after French police and military units dispatched three of the terrorists in hail of gunfire and sent them on their journey to Hell.

Mr. Hollande was merely echoing the sentiments of heads of state and religious leaders around the world made over the past few days after 12 innocent people had their brains spilled on the floor of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris.

This high level of delusional behavior in our leaders has alarmed many experts in the field of mental health.

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Dr. Frank Black, a psychoanalyst at the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey, told reporters that “These idiot politicians and pompous ass religious leaders started spouting all this bullshit about the “religion of peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Hell, even George Bush said we were not at war with Islam. I think anyone who has been incinerated or disemboweled by a fucking suicide bomber or maniac with an AK-47 might disagree.”

“After all, these brainless cretins are not running around killing people screaming ‘Roll Tide or War Eagle, are they?” continued Black. “They’re yelling Allahu Akbar! Well, I’m here to tell you, God ain’t that great. I don’t see millions of Muslims lining up to mourn the employees of Charlie Hebdo. Hell, even the president of the Catholic League chastised the cartoonists! Until we human beings outgrow this obsession with living forever and following rules written by cave men, we are going to continue to murder each other in ever-growing numbers. Fuck!”

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Although one terrorist apparently escaped capture even though she was surrounded by about a gazillion cops, Mr. Hollande told reporters that he was confident she would be captured. Hopefully this whore will also be torn apart by lead from fired from police machine guns. God forbid the French people have to pay for her food and lodging for the  rest of her natural life.

By the way, odds makers in Las Vegas will give you one chance in a million that the dirty, filthy bitch is not a Muslim.

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!’”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”

Constipated Prophet Orders Attack On Newspaper By Mistake

FRANCE-CRIME-MEDIA-SHOOTING-FILES

PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.

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According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.

It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.

However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.

clouseau

“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”

The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.

RezaAslandances

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.

“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”

Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.

Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.

“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”

The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”

Poll Finds Four Out Of Five Imbeciles Believe Obama Has ‘Destroyed America’ . Fox News the balanced opinion poll of Rupert Murdoch and his viewers.

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A shocking new Fox News poll has revealed that approximately 80% of imbeciles living in the continental United States think that President Obama has destroyed America. The poll was taken on December 30th. Participants were randomly chosen from imbeciles currently listed on the National Idiot’s Register in Washington, D.C.

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The poll consisted of two simple statements that imbeciles were required to complete. The statements were followed by a comment section where each imbecile was given the opportunity to voice his or her views on the subject.

Participants were first given the opportunity to complete the following sentence:

President Obama has

A. not destroyed the country.

B. somewhat destroyed the country.

C. really, really destroyed the country.

D. completely and utterly destroyed the country.

Those imbeciles that answered “B,” “C,” or “D” were then asked to complete this sentence:

President Obama has destroyed the country because

A. he is black.

B. of Obamacare.

C. of Benghazi

D. he is a member of the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.

E. All of the above

Fox researchers found that over 80% of imbeciles polled thought that Mr. Obama had in some way ‘destroyed the country,’ with over 90% of those imbeciles answering “E” to the second question.

Paradoxically, the researchers also discovered that although imbeciles thought that the country had been destroyed, they continued to insist that it was the greatest country on earth and was humanity’s last, best hope for the future.

Monty Python

Perhaps the most revealing part of the poll was the comments section, which illustrated just ignorant imbeciles in this country are.

Billy Bob McSneed, an imbecile from Running Sore, Arkansas said: “That negra wants to give poor people medical care and let a bunch of infected foreign kids into the United States. He’s a disgrace, and it’s only a matter of time before he lets the United Nations come and get all our guns!”

Jean “Genius” Mims, an imbecile from Melanoma Beach, Florida said: “I may not be able to read, but I darn shore know destruction when I seen it, and let me tell you, this country had been destructed!”

Billy Frank McDim of Rabid Beaver, Minnesota said: “That man is downright insane. He’s bent on destroying all of us with his gay marriage and enlightened foreign policy. The next thing you know it’ll be legal to marry your goat! Everybody knows that big business and Jesus are our only hope. I just thank God every day for smart people like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin!”

One of the few imbeciles that thought that President Obama had not destroyed the country was Tampaxia Reynolds from Mobile, Alabama who said: “I really have not noticed that the United States has been destroyed, but maybe that’s because I don’t watch Fox News. I really don’t know.”

Death Toll Continues To Rise In Armed Forces Bowl Tragedy

Death Toll Continues To Rise In Armed Forces Bowl Tragedy

wreckage

FORT WORTH, TEXAS (CT&P) – The death toll topped 4000 this morning as rescuers continued to pull victims from the ruins of the Amon G. Carter Stadium after two Lockheed Martin F-35 jets collided during a halftime flyover. Reuters is reporting that government authorities say that the toll could go much higher in the next few days as more rubble is removed from the south end zone.

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The tragic collision occurred just as three F-35’s were approaching the stadium in a delta formation. The jets were trailing red, white, and blue smoke in a display of patriotism meant to garner public support for the military-industrial complex. Eyewitnesses told the Dallas Morning News that two of the planes were behaving “erratically” just before the crash.

“One plane was jerkin’ side to side and its landing gear were poppin’ up and down faster than a rattlesnake!” said Angus McTurd of Tainted Springs. “It was like it was in some kinda of video game. The plane flying next to it was rearin’ up and down like steer on steroids. Just as they came over the top of the stadium they collided and one of ‘em cartwheeled into the south end zone. The other one started burnin’ and crashed over in the colored neighborhood just to the west of the stadium. It was a helluva thing to watch!”

Both pilots managed to punch out of their planes and survived the crash. Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong told reporters that was because “the ejection seats were the only thing on the aircraft that worked worth a shit.”

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Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price told KDFW Fox 4 News that she had begged Pentagon officials to use some other type of plane for the flyover, but they insisted on using the F-35 Lightnings, even though they were the only three cleared to fly out of the entire fleet of troubled aircraft.

“I told those idiots we did not want those flying washing machines over our city, much less a stadium packed full of people,” said Price. “Hell, it would have been safer to fly the fucking Hindenburg over the game!”

The trillion dollar F-35 has been plagued with cost overruns, groundings, and embarrassing glitches, such as its inability to fire its cannon until 2019, when the software for the weapon is upgraded. However, this has not dampened the Pentagon’s enthusiasm for the plane and it continues to garner support from senators and representatives from states where the plane’s over 300,000 parts are manufactured.

“It’s a gorgeous plane and we fully believe that some day it will actually be able to fly on a regular basis,” said General Jack Ripper, USAF (Retired). “Every new weapons system is bound to have a few snags or hitches in development, and I don’t think we should condemn an entire program for a single slip up.”

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General Ripper is a lobbyist for Lockheed Martin.

Some cable pundits expressed surprise that the game was allowed to continue after the plane incinerated several thousand fans, but Pentagon officials on the bowl committee insisted that it would be good for the public to get used to these types of incidents, because over 2500 of the flying deathtraps will eventually be in service in the USAF alone.

“Things explode every day,” said General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “If we stopped what we were doing every time something blew up, we’d never get anything accomplished.”

Houston managed to win the game 35-34 over the Pitt Panthers after an incredible comeback in the fourth quarter. Many sports analysts attributed the comeback to the Pittsburgh player’s reluctance to approach the south end zone, which was a sea of fire and twisted wreckage for most of the second half.

The third F-35 Lightning was last seen flying erratically towards the U.S.-Mexico border and remains unaccounted for. Air Force personnel have been unable to raise the aircraft by radio because of a glitch in the F-35 communications systems and stealth safeguards built into the plane are making it very difficult to spot on radar.

White Republican Leaders Defend Fellow White Republican Leader For Defending White Rights At White Supremacist Meeting Attended By White Republicans

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.

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“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.

“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”

The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.

Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.

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“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.

He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”

Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.

“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.

This Is How Tony Abbott Got Elected!

Image courtesy of actu.org.au

From time to time, certain people have expressed the view to me that they can’t work out how Tony Abbott was elected. Well, I recently chanced upon a Facebook site which gives some insight as to the sort of people who voted for Tony. Bearing in mind these were all done before the election, these people had the presence of mind to write their messages on a whiteboard so it could be easily rubbed out. Unfortunately they uploaded it to the Internet where it’s a lot harder to erase.

I wonder if this young lady has felt a little cheated given that he spends most of Parliament wearing a blue tie.

Budgie smugglers liberal

Moving on.

nanny state

The previous person seems a little confused as it’s the Liberals who are suggesting that childcare money could be used for nannies, but hey, it’s not my sign!

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Yes, Baldric, but is it a “cunning” one?

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Personally, I don’t care which direction he does it!

more jobs

Yes, a very coherent sentence there!

Personally, I intend to vote for the Arts Party because Much Arts!

Although, to be fair, he doesn’t say exactly what’s happening about more jobs. Perhaps, he approves of more jobs for 457 visa holders. Or more jobs going overseas. Who knows?

kevin

Sick of talking about him, but not sick of writing his name on a sign!

school halls j

Are all school halls “lemons” or just the ones that Labor built? Does he realise that, while the media were happy to focus on the complaints of a few, that the majority of schools actually liked having a hall built? As for “Pink Batts” wouldn’t more oversight have just been like that “red tape” the Liberals are so keen to eliminate?

working life debt

Yes, she’d rather go to University and spend all her working life paying off her own debt! But as for “Labor’s Debt” has anyone actually worked out how long it would take to pay off if we raised taxes by say 5%? My estimate is about six years, which is hardly all her working life, but I don’t have the latest figures which might include the Liberal’s debt – or don’t we have to pay that back?

ppl

Please tell that’s not because you’re planning to breed! (Oh, all right, terribly politically incorrect. Or is it politically correct now that Abbott’s PM?)

agriculture

“They believe in Agriculture and Regional Australia”? Gee, as with Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy that personal beliefs about things that can’t be proved should be left out of politics.

Well, there you have it. That should give you a small insight into the people who put Tony where he is.

P.S. Just to clear up some confustion, this is a genuine site and not the parody site. Check out its description here.

Update at 8pm.. The site seems to have disappeared in the last couple of hours and that link no longer works.

Obama Destroys Country Again This Year: According to Rupert Murdoch the Anglo universe is heading for destruction and needs saving by GOP- USA, LNP- AUS & the Conservatives- UK ,& T

hydrogenbomb1

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Fox News is reporting that America has once again been completely and utterly destroyed by President Barack Obama. This marks the 6th time during his presidency that he has managed to lay waste to the North American land mass known as the United States.

obamadog

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that America had been destroyed again at a press conference held early this morning in the Rose Garden.

“We’re proud that we managed to annihilate this once beautiful country and leave it in ruins yet again this year,” said Earnest, as he tuned one of the many special edition White House violins.

“President Obama was quite pleased that this year we got the job done early so he could take a much-needed vacation and recharge his batteries for the next round of obliteration scheduled to begin on January 1st. You know it takes a lot of energy to usurp power and then destroy all that is good about a nation.”

However, not everyone is convinced that Armageddon is just around the corner.

“The economy is in the best shape it has been in for a decade, unemployment is down, gas is under $2.00 per gallon, millions of poor people are now covered by health insurance, and there’s progress on the gay marriage front,” said New York Times Editor Dean Baqet, “but for some reason those cretins over at Fox insist that the country is on the brink of an apocalypse. I think it’s mainly because the President continues to be black even after six years in office.”

armageddon1

Indeed, Fox News continues to report ad nauseam that Obamacare, the Benghazi non-conspiracy, immigration policy, sex crazed predatory homosexuals, civil rights protestors, warming relations with Cuba, and just about every other fucking thing you could imagine has left the country a smoking wreck reminiscent of post WW II Europe.

However, one group of Americans seems to be blissfully unaware that we are all doomed.

“Our customers are happy and optimistic as hell,” said Joseph Clayton, President and CEO of DISH Network. “It’s absolutely amazing what a week free of propaganda and misinformation will do for people.”

Jesus Vehemently Denies Torture Allegations; Our man Bolt is with Bryan Fischer on this fuck turning the cheek.


jesusmachinegun

ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – After a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican earlier today, Jesus paused to speak with reporters regarding recent torture allegations made by the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis and borderline psychopath Bryan Fischer. Jesus flatly denied that he supported torture in way whatsoever.

jesuss

“I just want to make it clear that I do not support torture in any of its many forms,” said the Prince of Peace. “This is about the millionth time I’ve had to correct that idiot Fischer. I really don’t know why all you talking monkeys continue to listen to him.”

The controversy erupted earlier this week when Fischer defended the CIA’s use of torture, saying that liberals “would drag the Bible’s heroes before the courts at Nuremberg and charge them with crimes against humanity” and suggesting on his radio program that Jesus would support the use of torture in a time of war.

Fischer went on to rant that “Christianity is not a pacifist religion. The God that we serve is described in Exodus 15 as a ‘man of war.’ Now we often think of gentle Jesus, meek and mild, but let’s not forget, according to Romans 19:13, when he comes back … he will be riding a white horse and wearing his own robe, dipped in blood. That is a robe that is worn by a warrior who is inflicting casualties on the foe. So this is gentle Jesus, meek and mild; when we comes back, his robe is going to be dipped in blood because he too is a warrior.”

jesus riding dinosaur2.widea

Jesus seemed surprised that in this day and age anyone would listen to someone who has such a tenuous grip on reality.

“What is it about ‘turn the other cheek’ that this bigoted imbecile does not understand? Anyone who actually believes the tripe coming out of Fischer’s mouth needs to have his head examined,” said the Lord of Light. “This guy is literally brimming with hatred for just about anyone except straight white males over the age of 65. Frankly, I’m surprised that the son of a bitch has not been committed.”

Jesus was in Rome attending meetings with Pope Francis and a group of architects reviewing Heavenly expansion plans after Francis reduced entry requirements, allowing millions of pets to gain access to the Pearly Gates.

Faith, Dope and Hilarity!

abbott and christensen jp

Yesterday, after reading the Letters section of “The Herald-Sun”, I was moved to post the following on Facebook.

Mm, I saw a letter in the paper suggesting that if Abbott introduced the death penalty for terrorism his popularity would soar. I’m thinking of creating a T-shirt saying: “We demand the death penalty for all suicide bombers!” Should work a treat with Andrew Bolt supporters!

Let me just emphasis: “…the death penalty for all SUICIDE bombers”.

I wasn’t prepared for the number of people who’d start debating the merits or otherwise of the death penalty for terrorists. Whether or not you agree with my point, I would have thought that it was obvious that I was suggesting that the death penalty wasn’t much of a deterrent for terrorism, because in many cases, they are prepared to die for their cause.

While I was shaking my head this morning, I happened to chance upon something that made me less judgemental of the people who failed to pick up my irony. This, from Liberal MP George Christensen:

So twitter has erupted with a typical politically correct, left wing response to the Sydney siege with these hashtag campaigns #weridetogether & #illridewithyou going viral. These campaigns falsely portray Aussies as thugs who terrorise Muslims and, in doing so, create victims where there are none. How about we just focus on the real victims of the Sydney siege (who, in my view, are more heroic that the left-wing twitter clicktivist keyboard warrior army combined): Katrina Dawson and Tori Johnson.

Now, apart from the irony, of course, of him resorting to Facebook and Twitter to attack “left wing clicktivist warrior army”, one only has to read that racist, redneck comments from some of his Facebook followers to learn the meaning of the word. Many agreed with him that there was no racism and it was basically all the fault of those foreigners.

However, just when I thought that there are far too many dopes in the Australia, faith came to my rescue.

Thank god for religion, I say.

I don’t have to go through the day thinking that Australia has some of the stupidest people in the world, because Pat Robertson, an American ex-preacher, made the following statement:

“You know, those who are homosexual will die out because they don’t reproduce. You know, you have to have heterosexual sex to reproduce.”

See, nothing to worry about with gay marriage. Let ‘em marry, coz in a generation all the gay people’ll be gone. Like the dinosaurs, they’ll have died out.

Although, I don’t think it’s them who resemble the dinosaurs.

Ah, ya gotta laugh. Just look at the photo of Christensen and Abbott and think these men are our government, and if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

So ho ho ho…

Pax et caritas,

Rossleigh

Rubio Pledges To Stamp Out Progress “Wherever It Rears Its Ugly Head” Posted in politics, religion. This dude seems he could run Australia with the support of Andrew Bolt wh sure is tiring of Tony Abbott

marco-rubio-vp

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -At a hurriedly called press conference somewhere in the bowels of Cretonia earlier today, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), a Catholic, criticized Pope Francis after the pontiff played a key role in helping the United States and Cuba forge an agreement that resulted in the release of American Alan Gross from Cuba.

Rubio said he would “ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy.”

The pompous ass junior senator from Cretonia who intends to school His Holiness was speaking in response to the White House’s announcement about talks to normalize relations with Cuba after a nearly 50-year embargo with the country.

Marco Rubio (R-Buffoon):: Obstructionist Republican Clown

The pope played a pivotal role through personal appeals to President Barack Obama and Cuban President Raul Castro to help the two countries forge an agreement for the release of Gross, Obama announced on Wednesday.

Rubio is set to play a major role in Cuba policy as the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations subcommittee on Western Affairs, and he noted Wednesday some of Congress’ leverage points, such as funding for embassies and nomination of a U.S. ambassador to Cuba.

“I’m committed to doing everything I can to unravel as many of these changes as possible,” Rubio said.

When asked just what the hell he was talking about, Rubio replied “As I have said many times before, I’m no scientist and usually have no fucking clue what I’m talking about, regardless of the subject. However, for decades now our policy concerning Cuba has been held hostage by a tiny minority living in and around Miami. I see no reason to make any changes to that policy at this time. Cuban ex pats and their offspring make up an important voting bloc for us Republicans, to say nothing of their generous donations to our campaigns. I’m certainly not going to let them down by agreeing to a policy that could be good for the U.S. and Cuba as well.”

Rubio continued, “As a Republican I am against all forms of progress and change, and I will do my best to stamp out any change I see in any policy regarding anything at all.”

When asked to clarify his comments regarding the Pope Rubio said “This Pope is far too compassionate and helpful to be an ally of the Republican Party. They really need to get someone with experience in that position.”

Experts Believe Bachmann Running Dangerously Low On Power

bachmann-newsweek-900

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Experts from several university research groups around the world are warning U.S. government officials that Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) may be rapidly approaching the end of her battery life. If this occurs, the researchers warn, Bachmann’s operating system will automatically switch over to emergency reserve power, which will only keep her body alive. What little brain function she has left will cease altogether, making her an unpredictable killing machine with the strength of a psychotic chimpanzee.

bachmannandbatboy

“This is what happens when ex-Nazis from the Soviet bloc throw together an android from used truck parts and old adding machines,” said Professor Stephen Roberts of the Department of Engineering Science, University of Oxford. “You get a barely functional robot that is a danger to all of humanity. Sure, she looks human on the outside, but her prefrontal cortex is little more than a jumble of loose wires, nuts, and bolts. What amazed us was that those crazy Americans could be so dense as to choose her to represent them in Congress.”

Although Bachmann has been highly erratic and shown little ability to reason throughout her political career, she was never thought to be a danger to those around her or the general public. Most people who heard her weird ideas and imbecilic statements just ignored her like they would a mentally challenged third-grader. That could change if her batteries totally fail and she switches to emergency power, according to Professor Roberts.

Michele Bachmann as a Zombie - photo illustration by Charles George

“She’s already showing signs of a complete mental shutdown,” said Roberts. “Last week she appeared before the House and claimed to be some kind of Biblical ‘lawgiver’ before starting a mad rant about Moses and John Boehner. Then, at a Christmas party over the weekend Bachmann begged your President Obama to incinerate Iran ‘just to be on the safe side.’ Only yesterday she appeared on the Laura “I Hate Children” Ingraham radio show foaming at the mouth about executive actions on immigration. I’m telling you, the woman is dangerous.”

“If this deranged individual’s batteries fail altogether, she could become a mindless killing machine with the strength of six men,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, who is in Oxford on loan from the Banzai Institute in New Jersey. “We are really keen to see what happens, so we can more accurately predict what is going to happen when other feeble-minded androids such as Ted Cruz and Louie Gohmert lose power.”

Both professors recommended that for the safety of her family and the American public, Rep. Bachmann should be physically restrained and placed in a controlled environment so she could be