As altruistic miners try to enter a building they’re stopped from their humanitarian aims by these incredibly selfish protestors who are just there for the fun of harassing the saints who, out of the goodness of their hearts, give up their spare time to find ways of giving people jobs. These saints of industry have worked tirelessly to eliminate all canaries from their coal mines and are moving towards a world where mining is fully automated and no humans will be forced to undertake such dangerous work. At such a time, they’ll then share the wealth they’ve created by donating their stuff to the people who can’t afford it at current prices because they’re such great human beings, unlike the bullies who are blocking their way just for the fun of it.
Whichever way you look at it, the protestors believe that they’re trying to save the planet. Even if you think that the planet doesn’t need saving, it’s really hard to argue that they’re the selfish ones. “You bastards, you’re only trying to save the Earth because you live on it! Have some consideration for people like Alan Jones who haven’t been on the planet for years!”
The Chosen One is just joking again(ODT)
Defending himself against accusations of seeking to profit off the presidency by planning to host a G7 summit next year at one of his resorts, Donald Trump on Monday estimated that being president had cost him $3bn to $5bn and said: “I don’t want to make money. I don’t care about making money.”
Well, it’s quite simple. Let’s imagine for a moment that I’m working for a highly sensitive department… Say something to do with stopping the boats. As we all know, “on water” matters are highly confidential… Or at least they became highly confidential after Scott Morrison became Immigration Monster; before that, everyone was free to publicise any information at all about boats arriving whether they were real or only imagined. Anyway, let’s imagine that I’m working in the department that’s in charge of stopping the boats and I discover that, in fact, the boats haven’t stopped and that there are boats arriving, sometimes carrying as many as twenty people. I quickly work out the realm is under threat because the government is secretly sneaking these so-called asylum seekers into the community and nobody has noticed even though we know have as many as three or four hundred happily minding their own business and enjoying their new life in Australia.
As a patriotic Australian, I’m outraged. I make copies of the necessary evidence and I smuggle it home where I… suddenly remember the AFP raids. And then it hits me. I can’t go to the media because I’ll almost certainly be exposed. No, I decide. I can’t take the personal risk.
See, it’s not the press that will have the problems. It’s the whistleblowers themselves. There’s no need for concern because in the future, the press won’t get the information so we won’t know whatever it is the we should be concerned about so we can all just keep going in blissful ignorance, happy that the government knows best and is having a go and helping me with my aspirations.
How good is Australia, eh?
*Just for clarification, AFP stands for Australian Federal Police and not Anti-Free Press.
Media Matters has now released clips and transcripts of Tucker Carlson making racist remarks on a shock-jock radio show, a day after exposing Carlson’s misogynistic and pro-pedophilia remarks on the same show. But according to conservatives, everything Carlson said should be ignored by the public — not because the clips and quotes are fake (they aren’t), and not because they’re out of context (they aren’t), but because they were discovered using (gasp!) research.
Here’s Mike LaChance at William Jacobson’s blog, Legal Insurrection:
These audio clips didn’t just fall out of the sky. The people at Media Matters went looking for them. They sat and combed through hours of audio looking for something to use to target Tucker and his Fox News show.
So these clips are fruits from a poison tree! They should be stricken from the record!
And then, there was the true hero: a sixth grade boy, invited by the President, who slept his way through much of the 82-minute, 51,000-word speech.
President Donald Trump and first lady Melania invited several special guests to the address, which ran well past 10.30pm on a school night.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has told an event in Sydney that he ‘cried on his knees’ over the plight of children in Nauru, and just wished he was in a position to directly effect change.
“You think about these children and you pray, you cry, and you pray some more. But there’s only so much you can do. It’s frustrating because you feel so powerless,” Morrison said, asking the audience whether they knew anyone who worked in immigration.
“I can’t tell you the number of times I wished I had connections with a government minister or someone in the immigration department with some sort of influence over the situation’,” he said.
Well, ScoMo – as we’re all encouraged to call him – saw something ugly. Not just ugly, but “one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen”!
What was it?
The testimony of those abused by that Royal Commission we didn’t need? No, not the one into the banks. The one into sexual abuse of children at the hands of institutions. Remember the Liberals were dragged kicking and screaming into that one, too.
Or was it the sight of children in detention? No, that’s a deliberate policy. It’s a deterrent. I mean, if you have children self-harming and suicidal that should put people off coming to Australia without their au pair papers in order.
Was it animals dying in the drought? Of course not.
It was, of course, a union official who photographed his kids. Yes, John Setka. tweeted photos of his kids holding a sign telling the Liberals to fu#k off and catch real criminals. He acknowledged that it was a mistake and took it down.
So, if that was one of the “ugliest things” Scottie’s ever seen, I would suggest that he doesn’t get out much…
Is the political zeitgeist an old spectre up for some new haunting? Or are the times more like a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice, “the combination of inequality and low wage growth is fuelling discontent. Time to sing a new song.”
In days gone past, they used to slice open an animal’s belly and study the shape of its spilled entrails to find out. But we could just keep an eye on the news.
Here are my seven signs of the neoliberal apocalypse:
Why spin the unspinnable? Just leave it out there as it is, Sarah. “The president is speaking for himself” is all that needed to be said.
“Thank you Australia for your concern. We can assure you that in mainland Norway all polar bears are stuffed and poses only limited risk,” the Norwegian Foreign Ministry tweeted.
“It is a little ironic,” said a museum spokesman. “But you know, coal and solar and all the different energy sources work hand-in-hand. And, of course, coal is still king around here.”
Cartoons from The Canberra Times editorial artist.
“SNL” becomes a target as Donald Trump and his aide Sean Spicer don’t find the show’s attacks funny VIDEO
Sussan Ley’s resignation proves socialism is on the march and the peasants are revolting!
Source: Ron Tandberg
A look at the follies, foibles and joys of the human race through the eyes of cartoonist Michael Leunig.
Source: Cartoons by Michael Leunig
I don’t think there’s ever been another time in history when people have been so enamoured of their own opinions.
“The media is a food chain that would fall apart without local newspapers.”
Whatever her many many many faults, compared to Trump she is an avenging angel driving a truck full of hot waffles
4 minutes | Reporter Pie is dismayed at the Remain’s reaction to Brexit!
Australian Electoral Commission regional manager, Mark Eachbox
The former governor targets Obama after Orlando, while Chachi has some thoughts on the president’s intelligence
John Holcroft’s thought-provoking illustrations depict everything wrong with the modern world.
Lotsa people have lotsa opinions about Donald Trump.
Why is our fake news so much better than our “real” news? Oh, never mind, we all know the answer. Via Rolling Stone:
As Last Week Tonight host John Oliver notes early in his incredible, 20-minute examination of the global battle being fought over tobacco advertising, the smoking rate in the United States has dropped from 43 percent in 1965 to 18 percent today thanks to strict laws outlawing cigarette ads.
With America largely kicking its smoking habit, the tobacco industry has been forced to make up the revenues abroad, leading to court battles in countries like Australia, Uruguay and Togo, one of the 10 poorest nations in the world.
Oliver’s takedown also focuses on the extreme lengths companies like Philip Morris International are going to place their products in the hands of the youth, including a Marlboro-sponsored kiosk outside an Indonesian school where teens can purchase a single cigarette for a dime.
Communications Minister and former Prime Ministerial hopeful Malcolm Turnbull now wakes every morning, and smiles, broadly, deftly tap-dancing his way from bed to shower, belts out a chorus or three of “Puttin’ on the Ritz”, follows it up with a softly gleeful rendition of “Singing in the Rain”, and fantasises about ramming the thick, block head of his most loath’d nemesis Cory Bernardi into a wood-chipper.
Foreign Minister Julie Bishop tingles with coldly exquisite anticipation at every paragraph of ridicule and criticism of Abbott she reads, licks her lips, and trippingly tra-la-la’s her way down to the nearest high class fashion district to shop for new blouses and matching pearls, some sensible shoes, and other items of elegantly understated garb to best befit a Prime Minister in impatient waiting.
Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard, still with steel in her veins, and who bore the brunt of Abbott’s base, savage primal brutalism, and never once cracked under his witheringly incoherent barrage of gonad-driven misogynistic hatred and contempt – “Make an honest woman out of her” – finishes watching another episode of “Game of Thrones”, lets her hair down, throws back her head, erupts with peals of glorious laughter.
North American citizen and billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, Tweeting fool, boils with decrepit and aging rage and demands, DEMANDS, to blame it all on the barren bitch who runs Abbott’s office (the women are destroying the joint), instructing the always compliant polyps who cling to the increasingly desiccating organs of his Fish Wrapper Paper Empire to confect some righteous outrage over the whole goddamn thing, GODDAMMIT!, and help him elect a new Prime Minister to his liking. News Corpse. Morality on page one, tits on page three, on page thirty-seven, you can find an advertisement for sex call lines where a fifty-two year old woman on a disability pension will mimic an eight year old in a school tunic so that you can masturbate into a sock for sixty bucks, all major credit cards accepted.
“Quality journalism”, I think he calls it.
“There is something about the state putting the power to bully into the hands of subnormal, sadistic apes that makes my blood boil” (Gore Vidal).
You’re f***ed, Tony.
Clap hands. Clap hands.
Two Federal Government frontbenchers have defended Prince Philip’s contribution to Australia, as Prime Minister Tony Abbott faces an internal party backlash over his decision to grant the British royal a knighthood.
Mr Abbott’s move, revealed on Australia Day, has both puzzled and angered many of his colleagues keen for the Government to start the year on the front foot.
But frontbench Senator Michaelia Cash has described Prince Philip as “extremely deserving” in terms of the contribution he has made through schemes like the Duke of Edinburgh’s award.
“The backlash will be the backlash. Some people don’t agree with the decision,” she said.
“I’m all about celebrating. I choose to celebrate achievements. And both Angus Houston [also knighted on Australia Day] and Prince Philip have significant records of community service when it comes to the Commonwealth and Australia.”
She described the controversy over the decision as a “small distraction” from the bigger picture for the Government.
This morning senior minister Mathias Cormann dodged questions about whether the Prime Minister made the appropriate decision.
“I’m not a commentator. That was a decision that was made by the Prime Minister,” he told the AM program.
“Prince Philip has made a significant contribution in Australia. He’s made a significant contribution in particular to the Duke of Edinburgh award, to the lives of hundreds of thousands of young Australians.”
Queensland MP says ‘didn’t believe’ announcement
Yesterday, Cabinet ministers told the ABC they were bewildered, angered and dismayed by the award of a knighthood to the duke.
Two Queensland coalition MPs have broken ranks to publicly criticise the move, which other MPs have called “a stupid announcement”, “beyond ridiculous” and “another error of political judgment”.
Coalition MP Ewen Jones said he agreed governors-general could be eligible to be made knights or dames, but not British royals.
“I didn’t believe it,” he said.
“I thought of all the things we could do on Australia Day … Townsville’s citizen of the year was a 50-year volunteer of the Girl Guides. I think there’s a lot more for Australia that she’s done than Prince Philip.”
But Mr Jones does not think the decision reflects on the Prime Minister’s political judgment or on the Government.
“Everyone knows that Tony Abbott holds the monarchy very close to himself,” he said.
“This is a captain’s pick in which he’s made it very clear that this is what he wants to do. This has nothing to do with Government policy; it has nothing to do with process.
“This is something that Tony believes we as a nation need to do. I disagree, but I don’t think this shows that he is disconnected from the Australian people at all.
“Would I have done it? No. But do I object to him doing it? No, I don’t object to him doing it.”
MP says decision adds to ‘downward spiral’
Another MP was more forthright, saying the announcement took the edge off what could have been a good message for Australia Day and showed the Prime Minister’s misunderstanding of where Australia is at.
The MP said it was “a stupid announcement” and “manifestly amazing in the worst possible way”.
He said “it just adds to the downward spiral” because, while MPs are giving their “unswerving support” to Mr Abbott, “he comes up with Prince Philip”.
A second Queensland MP, Warren Entsch, said “for the life of me, I can’t understand why” Mr Abbott decided to honour a British royal.
Another MP said “everyone’s scratching their heads” at “another error of judgment”, adding tongue in cheek that it was appropriate in the centenary of Gallipoli for the Prime Minister to keep blowing the whistle, ordering troops to keep going over the top “only to face certain annihilation”.
“Beyond ridiculous” was yet another Coalition response.
Independent senator Nick Xenophon said Prince Philip already had “every title under the sun”.
“This is a bit like giving Bill Gates an abacus,” he said. “I don’t know what he’s going to do with it.”
Senator Xenophon said he did not see any upside to the Prime Minister’s decision to reinstate Australian knighthoods.
“When the Prime Minister made this announcement about a year ago, I thought it was wackily quaint and anachronistic,” he said.
“But now it’s just become an acute embarrassment, just plainly ridiculous.
“I reckon the Prime Minister is pushing his luck with backbenchers on this one.”
“Today’s ABS Labour Force release is further evidence that the jobs market strengthened towards the end of 2014.
The Coalition Government is delivering our Economic Action Strategy to generate jobs and grow a more prosperous economy.
Today’s release shows that employment is growing, unemployment is coming down and more people are actively looking for work.
37,400 new jobs were created in the month of December, building on the 45,000 new jobs created in November and the unemployment rate fell to 6.1 per cent.
In 2014, 213,900 new jobs were created and jobs growth averaged around 17,800 per month; more than triple the average monthly jobs growth in 2013 of around 5,000 a month…
“We have delivered on our commitments to get rid of the job destroying carbon and mining taxes, we are assisting small businesses to grow by removing red and green tape, and we are getting major projects underway with environmental approvals worth one trillion dollars; projects that will provide tens of thousands of jobs far into the future…
“2015 is the year of jobs and families – the Government will continue to focus on job creation because it’s good for individuals, it’s good for families and it’s good for the economy”
Yep, you’ve got to hand it to those Liberals. A year of “jobs and families”. That explains why the 2014 Budget was so unfamily friendly. It just wasn’t the year for them, but thankfully 2015 is their year.
Of course, they’ve already got off to a flyer on the jobs front: Unemployment is coming down. It’s 6.1%! We haven’t seen a figure like that since… Well, August, 2014. If it continues to fall at this rate, it’ll be back to those pre-Budget days when it was 5.8% by… Let’s see, if we assume that the rate of the fall from November to December is a trend and we extrapolute into 2015, then, why, we’re back to 5.8% by January. And we’ll be back to what it was under Labor before the Ides of March. Excellent!
Now, don’t go listening to the doomsayers that tell you taking the figures from November all the way through to December isn’t a trend. They clearly don’t understand that the figures are from the start of November all the way through to the end of December. A whole sixty one days! That’s more than most of the Liberals’ policies have lasted.
Speaking of policies, much has been made of the effect of dropping the carbon tax, but, as you’ve probably noticed 2015 hasn’t been as hot as 2014. While I don’t wish to get into a debate on climate change using facts and figures, or indeed any data that doesn’t suit my argument, I would just like to point out that the “warmists” have no way of explaining this pause in global warming.
And, what’s more, it occured after the removal of the carbon tax. – a tax which sent lamb roasts soaring to $100 and wiped Whyalla off the map. So those people who made exaggerated claims about what removing it would do, should now apologise for their alarmist nonsense! It just shows how effective their direct action policy is!
Yep, Australia is again open for business. The only slight dampener is that the renovations to The Lodge are taking so long.
“Some $3.19 million worth of work on the 88-year-old, 800sqm, 40-room Georgian-style home began in September 2013 and was due to be completed by mid 2014. It was commissioned by the former ALP government, but on December 12, the Abbott government signed off on changes to the contract, adding another 12 months to the completion date and upping the price tag to $6.38 million.”
I guess this is another example of Labor not meeting a deadline and going over budget! Thank goodness the Liberals are in power so they can double the budget and increase the deadline to a more realistic two years for a renovation project. (If you bet anyone before the election that Tony Abbott would never make it into The Lodge, I hope you haven’t paid out.)
Still perhaps this one of the major projects providing thousands of jobs that Abetz was talking about.
Yes, I’m looking forward to the “job and families” 2015 when unemployment dips to under 6%.
And, of course, if it doesn’t, that’ll just be because we’ve encouraged all those bludgers to start looking for a job, so naturally the participation rate will rise, which could lead to the unemployment rate rising. But that’ll just be a technical rise. We know that more people are working than ever, even if some them are on 457 visas, or Chinese nationals working under our new free trade agreement.
The main thing is that Australia is open for business!
Paris (CT&P) – During an address to the nation earlier today, French President Francois Hollande told his countrymen that the actions of four filthy pig-dog Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs “had nothing to do with the Muslim religion.” Mr. Hollande made the statement with a straight face.
The address to the nation was made shortly after French police and military units dispatched three of the terrorists in hail of gunfire and sent them on their journey to Hell.
Mr. Hollande was merely echoing the sentiments of heads of state and religious leaders around the world made over the past few days after 12 innocent people had their brains spilled on the floor of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris.
This high level of delusional behavior in our leaders has alarmed many experts in the field of mental health.
Dr. Frank Black, a psychoanalyst at the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey, told reporters that “These idiot politicians and pompous ass religious leaders started spouting all this bullshit about the “religion of peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Hell, even George Bush said we were not at war with Islam. I think anyone who has been incinerated or disemboweled by a fucking suicide bomber or maniac with an AK-47 might disagree.”
“After all, these brainless cretins are not running around killing people screaming ‘Roll Tide or War Eagle, are they?” continued Black. “They’re yelling Allahu Akbar! Well, I’m here to tell you, God ain’t that great. I don’t see millions of Muslims lining up to mourn the employees of Charlie Hebdo. Hell, even the president of the Catholic League chastised the cartoonists! Until we human beings outgrow this obsession with living forever and following rules written by cave men, we are going to continue to murder each other in ever-growing numbers. Fuck!”
Although one terrorist apparently escaped capture even though she was surrounded by about a gazillion cops, Mr. Hollande told reporters that he was confident she would be captured. Hopefully this whore will also be torn apart by lead from fired from police machine guns. God forbid the French people have to pay for her food and lodging for the rest of her natural life.
By the way, odds makers in Las Vegas will give you one chance in a million that the dirty, filthy bitch is not a Muslim.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.
Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.
“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”
Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.
Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!’”
When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”
PARIS (CT&P) – The attack earlier today on the satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo that killed 12 people was apparently the last in a series of foul ups and snafus committed by the Prophet Muhammad during his yearly vacation in Paris this week.
According to the bloodthirsty demigod’s press secretary Abdul-Aziz Cornhollah Habib Lulu Maalik Skyhook, which loosely translated means “The One Who Does Not Bathe,” the attack was supposed to target Le Lonesome Camel, a restaurant just down the street from the newspaper.
It seems the Prophet became extremely agitated when, while dining at the restaurant last night, the staff mistakenly served him a meat pie which was loaded with processed pork products. According to Skyhook, the tourtière in question was supposed to be “pork and gluten-free” in order to adhere to the strict dietary guidelines published in the Prophet’s latest cookbook, How to Feed a Cave Full of Subhuman Terrorists on $10.00 a Day, first published in 2002.
However, the owner of the restaurant, retired Formula One driver Alain Prost, told reporters that the Islamic killing machine had “only himself to blame” for his irritable bowels because the Prophet insisted on ordering in French, like so many other idiot foreigners who vacation in Paris.
“At first the dimwit ordered a goat with a football stuffed up its ass,” said Prost. “He had to try five times before he actually ordered something on the menu. His server tried to warn him that the tourtière had pork in it, but the pompous ass would not listen. I’m surprised he’s able to speak any French at all. After all, the only language other Arabic that he hears are the screams coming from his follower’s victims.”
The Prophet became even more agitated when he went outside to discover that his dinner party’s camels had all been ticketed for parking in a loading zone. Apparently he ordered the attack later that night.
Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau, who has been assigned the task of bringing the filthy subhuman Islamic slime to justice, told reporters at L’Express that what happened was that the geographically challenged religious fanatic gave his henchmen the wrong address.
“You would think that the terrorists would have realized that they were not attacking the restaurant they had just dined in only hours earlier, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with a bunch of savages that want to return the world to the 9th Century. I’m amazed they were even able to operate the nav system on the Hertz rental car they used.”
Although most politicians and religious leaders around the world are denouncing the attack, some apologists for Islam are defending the actions of the blessed, sacred, but not-so-intelligent Prophet.
Reza Aslan, author of Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth and No god but god: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam, told the New York Times that these types of attacks are to be expected when one dares to insult a Muslim by accidentally serving him the wrong entrée.
“I can understand the Prophet’s actions. I once considered sawing off the heads of everyone in a Shoney’s Big Boy after smelling bacon on the breakfast bar while I was trying to enjoy my sheep testicle soufflé. Ignorant infidels in the west need to be considerate of Islamic tradition, no matter how asinine and Neolithic it may be.”
The offices of the Cretonia Times-Picayune are located on Savannah Road in Murphy, North Carolina. The editor in chief and sole proprietor of the wildly successful online newspaper, Jerry Dickerson, cordially invites anyone not happy with the views and opinions expressed in this article to jump on the nearest camel and “come try that shit up here.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A shocking new Fox News poll has revealed that approximately 80% of imbeciles living in the continental United States think that President Obama has destroyed America. The poll was taken on December 30th. Participants were randomly chosen from imbeciles currently listed on the National Idiot’s Register in Washington, D.C.
The poll consisted of two simple statements that imbeciles were required to complete. The statements were followed by a comment section where each imbecile was given the opportunity to voice his or her views on the subject.
Participants were first given the opportunity to complete the following sentence:
President Obama has
A. not destroyed the country.
B. somewhat destroyed the country.
C. really, really destroyed the country.
D. completely and utterly destroyed the country.
Those imbeciles that answered “B,” “C,” or “D” were then asked to complete this sentence:
President Obama has destroyed the country because
A. he is black.
B. of Obamacare.
C. of Benghazi
D. he is a member of the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.
E. All of the above
Fox researchers found that over 80% of imbeciles polled thought that Mr. Obama had in some way ‘destroyed the country,’ with over 90% of those imbeciles answering “E” to the second question.
Paradoxically, the researchers also discovered that although imbeciles thought that the country had been destroyed, they continued to insist that it was the greatest country on earth and was humanity’s last, best hope for the future.
Perhaps the most revealing part of the poll was the comments section, which illustrated just ignorant imbeciles in this country are.
Billy Bob McSneed, an imbecile from Running Sore, Arkansas said: “That negra wants to give poor people medical care and let a bunch of infected foreign kids into the United States. He’s a disgrace, and it’s only a matter of time before he lets the United Nations come and get all our guns!”
Jean “Genius” Mims, an imbecile from Melanoma Beach, Florida said: “I may not be able to read, but I darn shore know destruction when I seen it, and let me tell you, this country had been destructed!”
Billy Frank McDim of Rabid Beaver, Minnesota said: “That man is downright insane. He’s bent on destroying all of us with his gay marriage and enlightened foreign policy. The next thing you know it’ll be legal to marry your goat! Everybody knows that big business and Jesus are our only hope. I just thank God every day for smart people like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin!”
One of the few imbeciles that thought that President Obama had not destroyed the country was Tampaxia Reynolds from Mobile, Alabama who said: “I really have not noticed that the United States has been destroyed, but maybe that’s because I don’t watch Fox News. I really don’t know.”
FORT WORTH, TEXAS (CT&P) – The death toll topped 4000 this morning as rescuers continued to pull victims from the ruins of the Amon G. Carter Stadium after two Lockheed Martin F-35 jets collided during a halftime flyover. Reuters is reporting that government authorities say that the toll could go much higher in the next few days as more rubble is removed from the south end zone.
The tragic collision occurred just as three F-35’s were approaching the stadium in a delta formation. The jets were trailing red, white, and blue smoke in a display of patriotism meant to garner public support for the military-industrial complex. Eyewitnesses told the Dallas Morning News that two of the planes were behaving “erratically” just before the crash.
“One plane was jerkin’ side to side and its landing gear were poppin’ up and down faster than a rattlesnake!” said Angus McTurd of Tainted Springs. “It was like it was in some kinda of video game. The plane flying next to it was rearin’ up and down like steer on steroids. Just as they came over the top of the stadium they collided and one of ‘em cartwheeled into the south end zone. The other one started burnin’ and crashed over in the colored neighborhood just to the west of the stadium. It was a helluva thing to watch!”
Both pilots managed to punch out of their planes and survived the crash. Air Force spokesman Major T. J. “King” Kong told reporters that was because “the ejection seats were the only thing on the aircraft that worked worth a shit.”
Fort Worth Mayor Betsy Price told KDFW Fox 4 News that she had begged Pentagon officials to use some other type of plane for the flyover, but they insisted on using the F-35 Lightnings, even though they were the only three cleared to fly out of the entire fleet of troubled aircraft.
“I told those idiots we did not want those flying washing machines over our city, much less a stadium packed full of people,” said Price. “Hell, it would have been safer to fly the fucking Hindenburg over the game!”
The trillion dollar F-35 has been plagued with cost overruns, groundings, and embarrassing glitches, such as its inability to fire its cannon until 2019, when the software for the weapon is upgraded. However, this has not dampened the Pentagon’s enthusiasm for the plane and it continues to garner support from senators and representatives from states where the plane’s over 300,000 parts are manufactured.
“It’s a gorgeous plane and we fully believe that some day it will actually be able to fly on a regular basis,” said General Jack Ripper, USAF (Retired). “Every new weapons system is bound to have a few snags or hitches in development, and I don’t think we should condemn an entire program for a single slip up.”
General Ripper is a lobbyist for Lockheed Martin.
Some cable pundits expressed surprise that the game was allowed to continue after the plane incinerated several thousand fans, but Pentagon officials on the bowl committee insisted that it would be good for the public to get used to these types of incidents, because over 2500 of the flying deathtraps will eventually be in service in the USAF alone.
“Things explode every day,” said General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “If we stopped what we were doing every time something blew up, we’d never get anything accomplished.”
Houston managed to win the game 35-34 over the Pitt Panthers after an incredible comeback in the fourth quarter. Many sports analysts attributed the comeback to the Pittsburgh player’s reluctance to approach the south end zone, which was a sea of fire and twisted wreckage for most of the second half.
The third F-35 Lightning was last seen flying erratically towards the U.S.-Mexico border and remains unaccounted for. Air Force personnel have been unable to raise the aircraft by radio because of a glitch in the F-35 communications systems and stealth safeguards built into the plane are making it very difficult to spot on radar.
WASHINGTON (CT&P) – House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who is technically a white person, is vigorously supporting House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-LA), another white person, as he faces a deluge of criticism and questions over a 2002 speech he gave to a white supremacist group.
“More than a decade ago, Representative Scalise made an error in judgment. He was not secretive enough in his support of white supremacists in his state. Like many of my colleagues on our side of the aisle, I know Steve to be a man of high integrity and good character, who will stand up for the rights of wealthy white people all across this great country of ours. He has my full confidence as our Whip, and he will continue to do great and important work for all white Americans,” Boehner said in statement made today outside the “Stars and Bars,” a swanky whites-only supper club in Georgetown.
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), who is also white, is standing by Scalise as well.
“Congressman Scalise acknowledged he made a mistake and has condemned himself for being so dumb,” McCarthy said in a statement released moments after Boehner’s. “I’ve known him as a friend for many years and I know that he is much smarter than he appears. I know that if he could do it all over again, he would have insisted that the speaking engagement be held at night in some field using only torches for lighting. That way no one else would have known about it.”
The show of support from GOP leaders came as Scalise has found himself under fire for being a guest speaker at a 2002 meeting of the European-American Unity and Rights Organization, a group founded by former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. A Louisiana political blogger unearthed evidence of Scalise’s presence at the rally, and from there the news went viral.
Scalise, who was a state lawmaker at the time, maintains that he spoke to any groups who would give him any money whatsoever and says he didn’t know that EURO was affiliated with racists and neo-Nazi activists.
“Twelve years ago, I spoke to many different Louisiana groups as a state representative, trying to build support for legislation that focused on cutting government handouts to black people and half breeds, eliminating government corruption that did not benefit big business, and stopping tax hikes on the white majority. One of the many groups that I spoke to regarding this critical legislation was a group of folks wearing swastikas and white hoods. I want to stress that I had no idea that they were Nazis or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Had I known they were members of any white supremacist groups, I would have been much more circumspect with my support. It was a mistake I regret, and I want everyone to know that I emphatically oppose any groups that would divide the white majority and thus hurt my chances of re-election,” said Scalise.
He continued, “As a Christian, these groups hold views that are vehemently opposed to my own personal faith, and I reject any kind of hateful bigotry except the kind that keeps desperate Hispanic kids on the Mexican side of the border and prevents homosexuals from enjoying the same civil rights as straight Americans. Those who know me best know I have always been passionate about helping, serving, and fighting for every white family that I represent. And I will continue to do so.”
Duke described Scalise as “a pretty nice guy” and “a family man” and “very white” in a Monday night interview with The Huffington Post. He also said it seemed a bit strange that Scalise — who had a friendly relationship with Duke’s campaign manager Kenny Knight, the EURO event’s organizer — claims he didn’t know what the group’s message was about.
“It would seem to me that the son of bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and this is just another example of the white GOP leadership not having the guts to stand up for what they believe in,” said Duke.