We all know that nothing is perfect. Our modern society included. There are many things that are problematic and troubling, and even though we notice them, we are not too fast to work on fixing matters.
Source: CARTOON: Dutton’s lovely stuff
Recently I discovered my childhood home has been knocked down and turned into townhouses. I was having feelings and it got me thinking
Obsession with female politicians’ appearance in the media is putting young women off going into politics, a study has revealed, prompting campaigners to call for an end to sexism in political media coverage. Nearly half (41 per cent) of girls aged between nine and 16 think there has been a rise in media sexism in the last six months, while more than a third (39 per cent) said this has knocked their confidence, according to the new research by Girlguiding.
Changing the rules on debt loading and adopting an alternative royalty scheme would reap billions in tax revenue
A five year old boy passed on the record of conversation between the Prime Minister and Peter Dutton. While some are claiming that this is inaccurate, my sources tell me that it’s completely accurate and anyone who is saying something different doesn’t have the facts. I have the facts, and they’re not alternate facts they’re…
Former PM says ‘some genius’ derailed the Turnbull government’s message when it had a positive story to tell
Despite decades of Tory propaganda and Labor’s neoliberal complicity, we consistently hate privatisation, value tax justice and are committed to fair pay
No doubt emboldened by the resurgence of Arthur “I don’t recall” Sinodinis, Stuart Robert is apparently lobbying Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull to return him to the frontbench at the next significant reshuffle, likely by the end of the year. This has come about because the Queensland corruption watchdog has apparently found no evidence of wrongdoing…
A Reichstag type event in the U.S. could lead to major law and order crackdowns.
Coalition MPs have repeatedly expressed concerns about the way the Racial Discrimination Act could affect free speech. Here is the data on the number of complaints that are actually made
Dr Nicole Lee challenges the media’s coverage of the usage of the drug ice in Australia.
Last week Malcolm Turnbull addressed the National Press Club where he proclaimed “the battlelines have been drawn: it is clear that the Coalition stands for cheaper energy.” No doubt mindful of Abbott’s successful campaign to “axe the tax”, Turnbull is now dishing up his version of the same thing, calling on all governments to co-operate…
By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief
MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.
I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.
It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.
You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to neutralize my brain wave frequencies, masking them within the normal psychic pulsations of the planet. I then concealed myself in the pile of discarded beer cans and pizza boxes next to my trailer, and waited for the little guy to fall into my trap.
Long story short, that chupacabra never saw me coming.
Turns out, chupacabras look an awful lot like mangy raccoons. To the untrained eye, that is. But this little fella was pretty upset with me. I decided I’d name him Chupey, and we were gonna be best friends. I was so busy chasin’ him around the inside of my trailer, tryin’ to convince him to accept my love, that I didn’t hear the helicopter until it was too late. I was tryin’ to pry Chupey out from behind the refrigerator when finally, I heard them knocking on the door. When I answered, there at my doorstep were two hulking government thugs. The Men in Black. They found me at last.
“Wait a second here, fellas,” I said, “Trump won. We’re on the same team now.”
It didn’t matter a bit. They chucked a black bag over my head and then beat on me—with what felt like gym socks full of nickels—until I passed out.
A few hours later, I woke up. I was tied to a chair in a dark room with a cement floor. A single bright light shone right at my face. “You cold-blooded lizard bastards!” I screamed. “You think you can get away with this? When Trump hears that you’ve escaped from your dimensional exile, he’s going to be pissed!”
I was interrupted by a voice from behind the light. “Are you Cooter P. Jackson, writer and publisher of The Mud Lake Proboscis?”
I struggled against my bonds, squinting into the white glare of the spotlight. “Hell yes I am!” I asserted. “You just wait until I expose you cold-blooded animals with my hard-hitting journalism!”
The man behind the light chuckled. He said, “So, you sincerely believe that our government is at constant risk of being infiltrated and subverted by trans-dimensional Lizard People?”
“You’re damned right I do!” I yelled. “You just wait until our Dear Leader gets hold of you scaly bastards! He’ll wring your scrawny neck with his entirely normal-sized fingers!”
“Hmm . . . and you seem to believe In UFOs, the flat earth theory, the lost continent of Atlantis, Bigfoot, and leprechauns?”
“Well, that’s a gross oversimplification,” I responded. “How would you like it if I boiled down your entire Lizard cultural belief system to one sentence?”
“Our information also indicates that you have only a sixth-grade education?”
“I don’t need no fancy education to see the truth!” I said. “Einstein didn’t need no education to come up with that theory of evolution.”
“But, Einstein held a doctorate in . . . oh, nevermind. Moving on. According to our reports, you’ve been arrested more than sixty-five times, on charges ranging from public intoxication to harassing livestock. And you had most of your temporal lobe removed, after using high explosives to try to blast cocaine into your nostrils.”
I nodded. “Yes, but that’s but an arugula of the brain that’s not belfry important.”
The voice spoke again, deep and sinister. “Well, Mr. Jackson. We’ve reviewed your file, and come to a conclusion. In the new world that we’re creating, there’s only one thing to be done with individuals like yourself.”
“Just try it, you scaly bastards!” I screamed. “I’ve been inoculating myself with ethylene glycol antifreeze for months! You try to feed your grub children on my pasty flesh, and they’ll drop dead!”
“Oh, it’s much worse than that, Mr. Jackson.” Someone turned on the main lights. Sitting at a desk behind the spotlight was a gray haired, overweight man, disheveled like someone who’s been living in an airport for a week. “We’re not going to feed you to any lizard grubs. We’re going to make you Secretary of Education.”
“Whut,” I said.
The man said, “Hello, Cooter. I’m Steve Bannon, Donald Trump’s Obergruppen—I mean, Chief of Staff. When I saw the Mud Lake Proboscis, I knew that we had to get you onboard. Your brand of batshit crazy, reality-averse, disjointed rambling is exactly the kind of thing we like to see in our spokesmen and cabinet appointees.”
“So, wait, why with the kidnapping, and the black bag, and the beating?”
Bannon laughed. “Oh, I just find it adds a bit of panache to the selection process. Don’t you think? Betsy Devos can take a kidney punch like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Well, I don’t doubt that.”
“Of course, there’s still that pesky confirmation process. Don’t you worry about any of that. But, just to prepare, we have to ask you a few more questions.”
“Okay. Can you untie me?”
So, then Mr. Bannon asked me a whole bunch more questions, about everything from Lemurians to my burning hatred for liberal traitors. With every answer I gave, Mr. Bannon got more and more excited. By the end, he was all sweaty, and his jowls were quivering like a bulldog that’s about to get fed some pork chops. And then finally, he leaned in close and said, “Mr. Jackson, tell me: What do you think about the Jews???”
I blinked a few times. “The Jews? Oh, they’re alright, I guess.”
“Alright? They’re alright? No conspiracy theories you’d like to expound on? No sinister plots? No dastardly alliances? No hidden organizations bent on world domination?”
“Nah,” I answered, “The Lizard People basically have that sewed up. I mean, the Mole People are trying, bless their hearts, but the Lizards are in a whole other league. If the Beetle Men would get their act together they might be contenders, but so far they’re more concerned with internal politics.”
“But surely you know about the Jews . . .”
“Oh yeah, sure. I’ve seen Blazing Saddles like a hundred times. I love Mel Gibson movies.”
Bannon stared at me in disbelief. “Wait, you’ve never heard of the Jewish banker’s plot to control the world?”
“I mean, I’ve heard of it. But it seems a little far-fetched, you know?”
Bannon’s face fell. He sighed and waved his hand. “You can go, Mr. Jackson.”
“Wait, but wasn’t I gonna be secretary of abdication?”
“You may go.”
After that they put the bag back over my head and beat on me some more. When I came to, I was back in my trailer in Mud Lake.
I guess that’s the way it goes. I’ll never know what went wrong, but I sure am sad about losing my chance to serve my Dear Leader. But at least now I’ve got Chupey to keep me company. He’s been coming around. He only bit me three or four times today, and it’s gotten to where he’ll eat right out of my hand. He gets so excited to see me that he starts foaming at the mouth.
With many Muslims now banned from entering the United States, some have been left with no choice but to pretend to be Christian – a desperate measure first perfected by Republican politicians.
Following the lead of Republicans, thousands of Americans born in majority Muslim countries are claiming to live by a certain set of morals and beliefs, without actually putting those beliefs into practice.
“If you’re desperate to get in, and saying you believe in Jesus is what it takes to get in, then you do it,” one Republican Senator, said, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again at the next election.
“When your livelihood is on the line, you’ll say and do whatever it takes,” said Ahmed Al-Bayati – an Iraqi man living in the United States – and Robert Johnson, a Republican Senator.
“I follow the teachings of Jesus, just like Mr Trump does,” Mr Al-Bayati said.
“So do I,” Senator Johnson added.
WASHINGTON – In a ceremony at the White House this morning President Trump signed an executive order effectively banning any future executive orders. The order is to take effect immediately.
“Executive orders have done more to destroy this country than any other thing I can think of,” said the President as he held up what appeared to be a Denny’s restaurant menu for the assembled press to see.
“I was elected to give power back to the people, and you don’t do that by being a tyrant like Barack Obama,” said the illiterate orange turd.
“In the future 27% of the eligible voters in this country will decide everything for the rest of the population, not some dictator drunk on his own power,” said the miscreant with bad hair and a micropenis.
Kellyanne Conway, appearing on CNN after the ceremony, told viewers that this particular executive order was all Trump’s idea and she didn’t think he had quite thought this one through.
“He may want to go back and rescind this particular executive order with a new executive order,” she said, as her face appeared to morph into a skull.
Conway told Chris Cuomo that she was sure that the order made sense in some way because it was “Our Lord’s” idea. She then lunged across the table and tried to suck the lifeforce out of Cuomo before withering into a discolored, sagging skin sack and slumped to the floor.
When asked about the order on a special edition of Fox News tonight aired in the middle of the day, George will told Bret Baier that he had no idea what was going on.
The nation has managed to elect the dumbest motherfucker the western world has ever seen,” said Will. “I can’t help you out with this one Bret.”
Will then excused himself saying he had to catch a plane to Bozeman in order to shop for off-grid survival shelters.
PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.
“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”
“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read? I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.
“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”
“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”
After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.
The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.
Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.
“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.
These days life is so busy and complicated and we are all so important, how does one know if one is a drain on the public purse?
We are not members of the Greens faction but it’s hard to understand the anger expressed at people who believe capitalism is a problem
Truth is, the alarming levels of distrust, cynicism, betrayal and disappointment are products of home-grown forces.
US President-elect Donald Trump* says he will custom build a secretive island prison in the middle of the ocean, to lock up any immigrants trying to enter the country without a visa.In a sign of what may be to come under a Trump regime, the inmates will be held on the ‘Alcatraz-style’ facility indefinitely. The island, which is likely to be built on an island off the coast of Cuba^, will include women and children.Astonishingly, media will not be able to visit the site, and those working there will face prosecution if they reveal details of the facility. Furthermore, anyone held there will not be allowed to enter the country at any point in the future.The plan has been met with outrage from the opposing side of politics in the US, with many calling it inhumane**.Mr Trump also says he also plans to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. *Please change ‘Trump’ to ‘Australian Prime Ministers’ – Ed^Please change to Papua New Guinea – Ed**Please remove this sentence – ED
Americans have sent the strongest possible message to the nation’s establishment, electing a 70 year-old rich white man from New York.
“We really showed them,” one Republican voter said today. “Those elites with all the power and money can go shove it!”
“This wasn’t a race between Democrat and Republican,” another voter pointed out, “It was a race between the establishment, and an interloper who just happens to own his own building on Wall Street”.
In yet another twist in the US presidential campaign, the new tranche of emails first referred to by the FBI’s James Comey reveal there are literally hundreds of hot singles in the New York area ready to meet Hillary Clinton.
The emails, which were leaked to media today, show that the singles contacted Mrs Clinton looking to connect with like-minded, fun-loving people up for a good time. While some messages claimed there were no strings attached, others did not explicitly state this, leading to further claims of potential corruption.
Disturbingly, there also seems to be a Russian link to the emails, with at least one referring specifically to unmarried Russian women ready to connect right now.
The emails, which were sent to an address on Mrs Clinton’s private email server, also include hundreds of messages seeming to offer significant financial support in return for small favours, such as a bank account number.
Donald Trump has pounced on the emails, saying it is further proof of corruption. Although he added he had many, many single woman contacting him all the time.
PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.
“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.
“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”
Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.
Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.
“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.’”
When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!
“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”
Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.
Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.
Mexico has erected a full-length border wall to keep out the millions of Americans hoping to flee from a potential Trump Presidency.
The wall, which stretches the entire length of the Mexico-US border, was built by a team of Mexican labourers who until recently had formed the backbone of the American agricultural industry. They’ve since pre-empted a Trump victory and returned home, causing the US agricultural industry to collapse.
A Mexican spokesperson said the country could not accommodate such an influx of illegal immigration, particularly from a country full of people crazy enough to vote for a pseudo-fascist reality TV host.
Yesterday thousands of Americans were trapped on the Californian and Texan borders, desperately looking for gaps in the wall. One man said he planned to hire a Mexican immigrant to build him a large ladder to enable him to scale the wall. He then remembered there were no Mexican immigrants available. He will start work on the lad
Rocky Dabscheck tunes in as Donald Trump reveals in an exclusive radio interview his plans to “Make America great again”.
Source: Making America great again
It’s OK, Liberal Party. You finally don’t need to keep pretending that everything’s cool.
Malcolm Turnbull has assured Australians that his party will not repeat the mistakes of Labor and will instead use a ‘thoroughly Liberal’ methodology for destabilising themselves from within.
At the end of a week of in-fighting, Mr Turnbull said he was confident the issues would be dealt with in an open, laissez-faire way. “I’m a strong believer in the market system, as are my colleagues,” Mr Turnbull said today.
“So we won’t be repeating the mistakes of Labor; we won’t be going down that path. Our process for ripping ourselves to pieces will instead be more efficient, more agile, and a much better use of resources”.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A new SurveyLizard/Washington Post poll released today has found that the vast majority of mentally challenged Americans now believe that the presidential election is rigged against Republican candidate Donald Trump.
The poll, taken over a period of three days, found that 99% of idiots, 86% of imbeciles, and 71% of morons are convinced that shadowy forces beyond their control are deciding the election in Hillary Clinton’s favor.
“Some respondents said that it was the media, others said it was the Republican and Democratic establishment, and still others told us that a secretive cabal of international Jewish financiers and Freemasons were to blame,” said Dick Passwater, who managed the poll for SurveyLizard. “The dumbest of the dumb even said that it was a combination of all of the above entities plus some influential space aliens.”
“One interesting result of the poll was that the higher on the IQ scale you went, the less likely the participants were to think that the election results were going to be tampered with,” said Passwater.
Azalia Snail of the Post agreed saying, “The lower the IQ, the more likely these poor bastards were to believe in this ridiculous conspiracy theory. I mean, you have to be pretty childlike to believe that 3144 counties and parishes in the United States could cooperate with the Illuminati or anyone else in order to steal the election from Trump.
“It’s much more likely that the GOP has chosen a toxic orange douche of a candidate whose ideas are so repulsive to most Americans that he’s fucking up his own candidacy and wrecking the entire Republican Party.”
Poll: Most Mentally Deficient Americans Think Election Is Rigged Posted in politics Monty Python NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A new SurveyLizard/Washington Post poll released today has found that the vast majority of mentally challenged Americans now believe that the presidential election is rigged against Republican candidate Donald Trump. The poll, taken over a period of three days, found that 99% of idiots, 86% of imbeciles, and 71% of morons are convinced that shadowy forces beyond their control are deciding the election in Hillary Clinton’s favor. “Some respondents said that it was the media, others said it was the Republican and Democratic establishment, and still others told us that a secretive cabal of international Jewish financiers and Freemasons were to blame,” said Dick Passwater, who managed the poll for SurveyLizard. “The dumbest of the dumb even said that it was a combination of all of the above entities plus some influential space aliens.” “One interesting result of the poll was that the higher on the IQ scale you went, the less likely the participants were to think that the election results were going to be tampered with,” said Passwater. Azalia Snail of the Post agreed saying, “The lower the IQ, the more likely these poor bastards were to believe in this ridiculous conspiracy theory. I mean, you have to be pretty childlike to believe that 3144 counties and parishes in the United States could cooperate with the Illuminati or anyone else in order to steal the election from Trump. “It’s much more likely that the GOP has chosen a toxic orange douche of a candidate whose ideas are so repulsive to most Americans that he’s fucking up his own candidacy and wrecking the entire Republican Party.”
In its new album “American Band,” the band still rocks like a cross between Neil Young and Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Republican Party stalwarts say they are shocked at Donald Trump’s recently-revealed sexist comment, his 1,418th of the campaign.
Former presidential candidate John McCain – who pulled his support for Trump today – said enough is enough. “One sexist or racist comment I can excuse. Two, perhaps. 1,417, well ok. But 1,418? You’ve got to be kidding, that’s outrageous”.
Other senior Republicans were similarly stunned by Mr Trump’s behaviour. One spokesperson said he was outraged. “Calling women ‘dogs’ or ‘fat pigs’, or ‘Miss Piggy’ is one thing. As is abusing Rosie O’Donnell, or Ariana Huffington, or journalist Gail Collins, or Bette Midler, or a women breast-feeding her baby, or the female contestants on The Apprentice. And when he told someone she wouldn’t have a job if she wasn’t beautiful, or when he excused sexual assault in the military, well, that was out of character. But this, this is a real surprise. And it’s certainly a step too far”.
Liberal Senator Eric Abetz has given heterosexual Australians all over the country the courage to tell their friends and family that they are straight.
In an emotional speech yesterday, Mr Abetz said coming out as straight was not celebrated or respected enough in this country. His words gave courage to those who for years have lived in fear and secrecy.
Tom Graham from Sydney’s North Ryde said it was a life-changing moment. “I went round to Mum’s and Dad’s last night and I just sat them down and said there was something I needed to discuss with them. And then I just said it – ‘I’m straight’. To their credit they were just so supportive. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders”.
Kelly McMahon said she too had been living a double life. “The social expectation to be homosexual in this country can be tough for someone who’s attracted to the opposite sex. But when a social leader in a powerful role like Eric Abetz says it’s ok to come out as straight, it’s really empowering”. She said she would no longer hide her heterosexuality from her workmates.
Monday 10 October 2016 To call it a storm of criticism might be a little understated. Probably the word avalanche best describes the overwhelming reaction to Donald Trump’s latest revelation of crass incubus. Now on top of the video CNN has released audio showing Donald Trump making vulgar remarks about women over a 17 year…
Today’s COAG meeting of energy Ministers should work towards a coordinated national plan to transform Australia’s energy system.
TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside his bunker deep beneath the governor’s mansion, Florida Governor Rick Scott, surrounded by military and government officials who appeared to have been hypnotized, told reporters this morning that authorities were “hoping for the best while preparing for the worst” for the 113th time in less than 24 hours.
Pundits and pol watchers believe this sets a record for a governor saying the same fucking thing over and over again.
“We think this breaks the record set my Governor Brownback of Kansas when he said ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ 75 times in just three days as the state’s economy went in the toilet,” said Chris Hayes of MSNBC.
“Tea Party governors in particular tend to repeat the same phrase or sentence over and over and over again in hopes that the populace is ignorant enough to buy the bullshit they’re selling.
“This situation is really not that different; Scott is trying to convince the residents of Florida that he has some grasp of what the fuck is going on, which has never been true.”