72-year-old grandfather and amateur chess enthusiast Gavin Frampton said inserting a vibrating sex toy up his anus has not improved his win rate, despite chess prodigy Hans Niemann seemingly having success with the technique.
“I put the beads in, played 1.e4 as usual, and then waited for the magic to happen,” Frampton explained. “But after five minutes, it had had absolutely no impact. On the chess game,” Frampton explained.
In what he describes as a ‘fact-finding mission’, the Coalition’s new Veterans Affairs spokesperson Barnaby Joyce has set out on a three-year tour that will see him get to personally know the bar facilities of every RSL club in the country.
Announcing that it was time for the electorate to see his softer side, new Opposition Leader Peter Dutton says he will continue to relentlessly deride minority groups, but in a more cuddly way.
Heading straight for Parliament House after arriving back from Tokyo, Anthony Albanese was surprised to walk into his new office today to find that it hasn’t been occupied since mid 2018.
US Republican Senators have responded quickly to the latest mass shooting, assuring gun advocacy groups that they have no reason to feel anxious or afraid tonight.
Morrison’s Minister for Education- doing a great job “Teaching us a lot”
Keen to prove he understands the key figures better than his Labor counterpart, the Prime Minister confidently stated this morning that the cost to pay out a former staffer to compensate for the harassment she received from one of your cabinet ministers is half a million dollars. “That’s the cash rate. Once you take into consideration lawyer’s fees, bank fees and other transaction costs it would be closer to $600,000,” Morrison clarified, quick to show off his attention to detail.
In an emotional mea culpa today, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has admitted he got it wrong on the Government’s response to the devastating east-coast floods and should have had photographers on site much sooner.
Minister for Emergency Management and National Recovery, Bridget McKenzie, has resisted calls to use the nation’s disaster fund to help flood-affected areas, saying it needed to be set aside for genuine disaster support, such as improved rowing facilities in the at-risk seat of Warringah on Sydney’s north shore.
Scott Morrison has announced a $35 million flood-assistance fund that will be made immediately available to households in the eastern Melbourne suburbs of Hawthorn, Canterbury and Camberwell. The funds will be used to build protection against a potential disaster in Josh Frydenberg’s marginal seat of Kooyong.
A government that hasn’t been able to effectively mobilise troops to help elderly Australians get in and out of bed reckons it can handle a fight with the second largest military in the world. Defence Minister Peter Dutton, whose department has so far only managed to place 129 out of a promised 1700 defence force personnel into Aged Care facilities, says only the Coalition can defend Australia from the rising threat from China.
The PM denied he didn’t know the price of basic food items. “That’s simply not true. I know, for example, that a barramundi from Humpty Doo in the NT costs around $18,000 a kilo, when you factor in refrigeration and express flight costs”.
Defence Minister Peter Dutton’s portfolio has been extended to including hosting ABC’s seven o’clock bulletin, in a move designed to ensure Australians hear the right news. Mr Dutton – who will take on the role in addition to his existing responsibilities – has extensive media experience and is seen as having a better grasp than his predecessors of the types of stories Australians should hear.