Tag: politics

Humour

Anti Vaxxers Call Emergency Séance To Seek Guidance From Spirit World: Andrew Bolt and his Murdoch mates are doing the same

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SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.

Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.

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The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.

The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.

Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”

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Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.

“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”

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Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”

Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.

Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.

“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ‘em!”

Humour

Simpletons Across America Celebrate As House Votes To Repeal Obamacare…For The 67th Fucking Time

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives continued the time-honored tradition of wasting time and taxpayer’s money by passing legislation to roll back Obamacare on Tuesday.

The vote was entirely symbolic in nature because everyone in the chamber knows full well that the members of the U.S. Senate will not be passing a companion bill and even if that were the case President Obama would veto it.

The vote was Buffoons 239, Reasonable Individuals 186, with no House Democrat supporting the measure and three House GOP freshmen opposing it.

This latest vote marked the 67th time the House has wasted our time and gone out of its way to look like a bunch of idiot children by voting to entirely repeal, defund or change some provisions of President Barack Obama’s signature health care law.

“We know the vote was a ridiculous exercise in stupidity, but we had to give the new members of our mentally deficient caucus the chance to vote against Obamacare,” said House Speaker John Boehner, while on a smoke break in the men’s restroom. “After all, no one wants to go home to his district and face the wrath of ignorant hicks without being able to say he has no compassion for the less fortunate.”

The vote precipitated predictable reactions across the country, with reasonable and compassionate folks rolling their eyes at the antics of a bunch of schoolchildren. The result was quite different however within the army of right-wing supporters made up of simpletons, rednecks, free-market capitalists, fascists, and evangelical right-wing Christians who seem to have no compassion for anyone except themselves.

A compilation of reactions from the right wing and its supporters has graciously been made available to us from CNN.

Here are some examples:

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The vote, like all the previous votes to repeal Obamacare, is expected to get the GOP exactly nowhere with the American public. Recent polls conducted by everyone other than Fox News shows that a majority of Americans want to keep the program in place or tweak it slightly in order to improve it. Only about 20% of Americans, representing the most militantly stupid portion of our population, want to repeal the law and go back to the old system. Furthermore, enrollment in the healthcare system continues to rise, and the more people who sign up, the less likely a repeal becomes.

However, polls seem to have no effect on far right politicians, who have to kowtow to a rabid base who yearn for a return to the Middle Ages. In fact, Speaker Boehner has scheduled at least a dozen more votes to repeal Obamacare before the August recess, so GOP members can go back and brag about how they are standing up to the “emperor” in the White House.

“We just can’t afford to be seen as cooperating with anyone who wants to help the poor and less fortunate,” said Boehner, as the orange skinned Speaker chugged a whiskey sour. “All our campaign money would dry up overnight!”

Humour

“Typhoid” Tillis Shocks Supporters By Refusing To Wash His Hands Before Devouring An Infant At Fundraiser

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. (CT&P) – Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) shocked a group of his supporters last night at a fundraiser in Lizard Lick, just outside of Raleigh. The fundraiser was held Joe Bob’s Pit Barbecue, a fine dining establishment famous for its pulled pork plates, lip-smacking ribs, and tender smoked toddler.

In an apparent attempt to make a point about deregulation of hand-washing requirements for restaurants,Tillis refused to wash his hands before devouring a newborn child fresh out of the smoker.

“The government has no business telling me how clean and sanitary I ought to be,” said Tillis, as he chewed on the tasty infant. “It’s high time we got public officials out of the business of public health!”

Supporters and employees stared in disbelief as he continued to consume the child before having made sure his hands were clean.

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“I could not believe my eyes,” said Myrtle Mulesweat from Bat Cave. “I would never eat a baby without first washing my hands. It’s disgusting!”

Billy Bob Bullsmegma of Syphilis Falls agreed: “He shore as hell ain’t gettin’ my vote no more. We may not have ‘lectric at my cabin but we always go down to the crick and wash up before dinner. Otherwise Mama would tan our hides!”

Tillis stirred up controversy earlier in the week by recounting a story from 2010.

“I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,’” he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.”

Since recounting this exchange Tillis has become the butt of jokes all over the internet and television, but he has taken all the criticism in stride.

“I firmly believe that people have the right to be as filthy as they want, and that goes for whoever is serving you your food as well,” said Tillis. “The free market will take care of it, just like it does in West Africa. You don’t see a bunch of stormtrooper health officials interfering with people’s lives over there, no sir!”

Tillis’ next fundraiser is scheduled to be held at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, owned and managed by Norman Dahmer. Norm’s specialty dish is human heart tartare.

Humour

Psychiatric Team From UAB Officially Declares Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore ‘Batshit Crazy’: We can’t get close to Murdoch, or any of his drones to get a certain decision. This dude reminds me of declared athiest Andrew Bolt who visits churches when ever he can and declares to be an expert on religious belief.

Roy Moore, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court

BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA (CT&P) – Controversial and dumb as dirt Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore has been declared “legally fucking insane” by a team of esteemed psychiatrists from the University of Alabama in Birmingham. A clerk for the judge responded to the decision by saying that the doctors were obviously the servants of Lucifer and are part of a huge conspiracy to undermine the judge and his wacked-out ideas.

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The judge has been involved in some of the most idiotic escapades in the history of jurisprudence over his illustrious career, which has been devoted to resisting change and progress at every turn.

Judge Moore, who regularly criticizes any idea hatched after the Middle Ages, became nationally known for his refusal, in 2003, in his first term as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Alabama Judicial Building despite orders to do so from a federal judge. On November 13, 2003, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary unanimously removed Moore from his post as Chief Justice on the grounds that he was “too ignorant to hold the post and was making Alabama the laughing stock of the entire country.”

On November 6, 2012, the apparently masochistic voters in the State of Alabama voted Moore back to the office of Alabama Chief Justice. He defeated Democratic candidate Bob Vance.

Recently, Moore made headlines again when in a letter to Alabama Governor Robert Bentley he urged the governor to ignore the federal ruling striking down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. In the letter the deranged judge compared himself to abolitionists and desegregationists standing up against the “rejection of God’s law by the satanic demons currently possessing the federal judiciary.”

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The psychiatric team from UAB, led by Dr. Adrienne Lahti, Director for the Division of Behavioral Neurobiology, found that Judge Moore has paranoid delusions concerning the federal government and believes that he has a direct line of communication with God and Saint Peter.

“The man is unhinged,” said Lahti, in an interview with the Birmingham News. “He thinks he is some sort of holy warrior sent by God to save the state and the country from the evils of homosexuality. We think that this sexual insecurity stems from the fact that he did not get enough attention as a child.”

Dr. Andrea Dickens, Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services and part of the team that examined Judge Moore, agreed. “The man is out of his fucking mind. He’s a threat to himself and all those around him. Having him on the Alabama Supreme Court is like putting a two year old in charge of a nuclear plant. It’s insane.”

The team has recommended that Judge Moore be placed in secure institution until such time that he does not pose a threat to himself or the public, which should be just after hell freezes over.

Humour, Kevin Andrews

Cabin Anthrax To Purchase Air Defense System From Israel: Kevin Andrew’s marriage advice scrapped,a new opportunity come his way,

Posted in humor

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Citing as a reason the alarmingly high number of drone attacks over the fall and early winter, Anthraxia government officials announced today that the beleaguered municipality will be purchasing an air defense system from the nation of Israel.

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“We felt that if we were to continue to guarantee the safety of our citizens the purchase had to be made,” said Minister of Defense Asher Wills. “Our current defense capability consists of myself, an aging terrier named Banjo, and a few rednecks walking around aimlessly with shotguns. We just cannot keep up with the high number of incoming hawks and other birds of prey we have been seeing lately.”

The drone attacks in and around the Cabin Anthrax have taken the lives of at least 11 innocent chickens who were going about their daily lives scratching the earth looking for insects and bits of wheat flavored Captain’s Wafers.

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Prime Minister of Anthraxia Jerry Dickerson told reporters that the system should be in place sometime next month.

The Iron Dome air defense system currently in use in Israel has proven reliable and efficient. It is a three-piece system of interceptor batteries that shoot rockets out of the sky. A radar tracks the rocket as it is fired across the border into Israel, and then advanced software predicts the rocket’s trajectory. The information it provides is used to guide Tamir interceptor missiles, which are fired from the ground to blow the rocket into harmless pieces in the sky.

“Unfortunately we could not afford the costly “Iron Dome” system currently used by the IDF, but they have offered us a less costly variant dubbed ‘Cast Iron Dome,’” said Dickerson.

The less costly system consists of a series of Roman candles positioned around the edge of the Anthraxia compound and over 100 bottle rockets set to launch into the air and detonate at different altitudes all around the cabin complex. The projectiles are activated manually by a highly trained hillbilly observer who sits atop the roof of each cabin scanning the sky for intruders.

Since most of the citizens of Anthraxia are unemployed and have nothing better to do, it is assumed there will be not shortage of volunteers for this critical mission. Israel military advisers are due in Anthraxia next week to begin training the inarticulate and nearly illiterate defense team.

“We hope that the purchase of this system will protect our poultry from further attacks,” said Dickerson. “I can tell you from experience, there’s nothing more depressing than waking up and not having enough eggs to make an omelet. It’s a truly tragic situation.”

Kathy Jackson, Tony Abbott

Kathy Jackson back in Federal Court this week: Let’s remind ourselves Abbott was ready to make her Dame of the realm before her she fell on her bank account.

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God I love Australians : Kay Lee says it all. For the second time in my life I got angry about politics the first was when I knew “It’s Time”

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We are an apathetic bunch who would rather watch sport than talk politics.  We would rather have a barbie than a bi-election.  We would rather go to the beach than the polling booth.  But push us too far and bear the consequences, as Campbell Newman found out this evening and as Dennis Napthine found out a few weeks ago.

I am 57 years old (same as Tony) and I have always had a passing interest in politics but, until Tony Abbott became LOTO, I was never passionate about it.  He changed all that.  Tony made me realise that I had to get off my bum and do something to help protect my country from the pillage and plunder that he is proposing.

I am just a middle aged woman in jammies but I cannot sit back and watch my country sold off to the highest bidder.  In fact it isn’t even the highest bidder who necessarily gets the nod.

Tony Abbott views our assets as his to distribute to his mates as he pleases.  He gives jobs to friends like Christmas presents like offering his close personal friend, The Australian newspaper’s Greg Sheridan, the plum posting of high commissioner to Singapore after the 2013 election despite him having no qualifications or experience to recommend him for the job.

And that same attitude was shown by Campbell Newman who so incensed the people of Queensland that they reversed the biggest election win in the history of the country to say piss off….enough is enough.

It is now up to every one of us to stand up to protect the country we love, to protect our children’s future, to protect the way of life our parents fought hard to provide for us.  We can no longer trust politicians (if we ever could) to do what is in our best interests.  We have to tell them no, you may not do this.  Our common wealth is not yours to dispose of as you please.

To the people of Victoria, and even more so, to you amazing Queenslanders who delivered a result no-one expected, I say thank you.  You have stood up in the first line of defence to stop the corporatization of our nation.  You have slapped down those who think wealth and power gives them the right to dictate to us, to wring whatever profit they can from us with no thought to the consequences of their greed.  I can only hope that the people of NSW show the same courage and determination to stop Mike Baird from destroying our farmland and water and gifting our public land to developers.

And to Tony Abbott, I look forward to your address to the National Press Gallery on Monday with gleeful anticipation.

 

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You’re F***ed, Tony

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Guest blogger Ross Sharp explains why . . . and he pulls no punches.From awful to f***ed in the space of one brief week, Prime Minister Tony Abbott, our Dear Leader, the walking, talking testicle of contemporary Australian  political life, and embodiment of everything that is, and has been wrong with it these last several years, has morphed toot sweet from the once proudly simian gaited and throbbingly tumescent Cock ‘O’ the Walk and King of the Hill to flaccid impuissance, an instant noodle body-slammed into a bowl of his own steaming hot faeces.

Communications Minister and former Prime Ministerial hopeful Malcolm Turnbull now wakes every morning, and smiles, broadly, deftly tap-dancing his way from bed to shower, belts out a chorus or three of “Puttin’ on the Ritz”, follows it up with a softly gleeful rendition of “Singing in the Rain”, and fantasises about ramming the thick, block head of his most loath’d nemesis Cory Bernardi into a wood-chipper.

Foreign Minister Julie Bishop tingles with coldly exquisite anticipation at every paragraph of ridicule and criticism of Abbott she reads, licks her lips, and trippingly tra-la-la’s her way down to the nearest high class fashion district to shop for new blouses and matching pearls, some sensible shoes, and other items of elegantly understated garb to best befit a Prime Minister in impatient waiting.

Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard, still with steel in her veins, and who bore the brunt of Abbott’s base, savage primal brutalism, and never once cracked under his  witheringly incoherent barrage of gonad-driven misogynistic hatred and contempt – “Make an honest woman out of her” – finishes watching another episode of “Game of Thrones”, lets her hair down, throws back her head, erupts with peals of glorious laughter.

North American citizen and billionaire media mogul Rupert Murdoch, Tweeting fool, boils with decrepit and aging rage and demands, DEMANDS, to blame it all on the barren bitch who runs Abbott’s office (the women are destroying the joint), instructing the always compliant polyps who cling to the increasingly desiccating organs of his Fish Wrapper Paper Empire to confect some righteous outrage over the whole goddamn thing, GODDAMMIT!, and help him elect a new Prime Minister to his liking. News Corpse. Morality on page one, tits on page three, on page thirty-seven, you can find an advertisement for sex call lines where a fifty-two year old woman on a disability pension will mimic an eight year old in a school tunic so that you can masturbate into a sock for sixty bucks, all major credit cards accepted.

“Quality journalism”, I think he calls it.

“There is something about the state putting the power to bully into the hands of subnormal, sadistic apes that makes my blood boil” (Gore Vidal).

You’re f***ed, Tony.

F***ed.

It’s delicious.

Clap hands. Clap hands.

Humour

Anti Vaxxers Choose New Convention Site: Combining with organizations Andrew Bolt supports Climate Change Deniers and others makes economic sense to these wing nuts. Bolt has made a profitable career selling ignorance to the Australian public. After all science has been usurped by the enemies of the modern world.

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A statement released this morning from the Criminally Negligent Parents Association announced that the annual Anti-Vaccination Convention and Voodoo Science Expo will be moved to Petersburg, Kentucky this year. The group was forced to find a new site for the event when it became apparent that the original choice, Disneyland, had become too dangerous to visit.

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The anti-vaxxers will join the Dumb Ass Conspiracy Theorist’s League, the Climate Change Denier’s Guild, and the Open Carry Accidental Gunshot Wound Alliance at the Creation Museum in mid September in one big celebration of ignorance. The American Family Association has also changed the dates of its annual “Jesus Hates Fags” Homosexual Hatefest and Chili Cookoff to coincide with the event.

“We thought that combining our convention with those of like-minded organizations just made economic sense, and as far as we have been able to determine, the measles outbreak currently ravaging the west coast has not yet spread to the backwoods of Kentucky, so it should be safe,” said Jenny McCarthy, spokesperson for the organization of twits.

“The Creation Museum was the perfect choice,” said Glenn Beck, keynote speaker for the event. “Ken Ham has built a veritable altar to ignorance there in Petersburg. He, like me, has managed to build a profitable career on the utter ignorance of the American public.”

Turd McPherson, president of the Climate Change Denier’s Club, agreed. “Ken has done a great job building a child-friendly environment that erases 300 years of scientific progress. He’s gone to great lengths to replace it with superstitious nonsense out of a book written before we knew our ass from a hole in the ground.”

“We all know that the Bible says we can’t change the climate, just like we all know that Noah put giant dinosaurs on a lifeboat along with every other species of animal on the planet. It’s just common sense. Science is the real enemy in the modern world, and we have to fight it tooth and nail,” said McPherson.

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The convention, which was originally scheduled for June, had to be delayed because federal authorities insisted on the erection of a giant electric fence encircling the museum and the entire city of Petersburg.

“We can’t take the risk that any pathogens might escape,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. “We’re coordinating with Homeland Security and FEMA in order to reduce the chance that we might have some sort of plague outbreak that could harm the citizens of our country who actually have functioning forebrains.”

“This combined convention will be the largest concentration of dolts, cretins, morons, and dunderheads in one location that the nation has seen since the 2010 National Tea Party Convention in Dimbulb, Texas,” said FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate. “We have to be prepared for the worst.”

Abbott, Newman

Newman and Abbott: Parallel lives

View image on Twitter

 

Newman and Abbott: Parallel lives.

Humour

It’s over. It’s now impossible to satirise Tony Abbott : First Dog, After the Medicare backflips, knightings and comments about working weekends, the prime minister is now an Official Australian Embarrassment

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Middle East

The asphyxiated politics of the Muslim world : With the prominance of the Right and the dominance of Tyrants worldwide change for the young can only be seen at the end of a gun.

The asphyxiated politics of the Muslim world – Al Jazeera English.

Abbott

Prince Philip ‘extremely deserving’ of Australian knighthood says minister; PM facing continuing backlash from party colleagues

Prince Philip notches up a milestone

Two Federal Government frontbenchers have defended Prince Philip’s contribution to Australia, as Prime Minister Tony Abbott faces an internal party backlash over his decision to grant the British royal a knighthood.

Mr Abbott’s move, revealed on Australia Day, has both puzzled and angered many of his colleagues keen for the Government to start the year on the front foot.

But frontbench Senator Michaelia Cash has described Prince Philip as “extremely deserving” in terms of the contribution he has made through schemes like the Duke of Edinburgh’s award.

“The backlash will be the backlash. Some people don’t agree with the decision,” she said.

“I’m all about celebrating. I choose to celebrate achievements. And both Angus Houston [also knighted on Australia Day] and Prince Philip have significant records of community service when it comes to the Commonwealth and Australia.”

She described the controversy over the decision as a “small distraction” from the bigger picture for the Government.

This morning senior minister Mathias Cormann dodged questions about whether the Prime Minister made the appropriate decision.

“I’m not a commentator. That was a decision that was made by the Prime Minister,” he told the AM program.

“Prince Philip has made a significant contribution in Australia. He’s made a significant contribution in particular to the Duke of Edinburgh award, to the lives of hundreds of thousands of young Australians.”

Queensland MP says ‘didn’t believe’ announcement

Yesterday, Cabinet ministers told the ABC they were bewildered, angered and dismayed by the award of a knighthood to the duke.

Two Queensland coalition MPs have broken ranks to publicly criticise the move, which other MPs have called “a stupid announcement”, “beyond ridiculous” and “another error of political judgment”.

Coalition MP Ewen Jones said he agreed governors-general could be eligible to be made knights or dames, but not British royals.

“I didn’t believe it,” he said.

“I thought of all the things we could do on Australia Day … Townsville’s citizen of the year was a 50-year volunteer of the Girl Guides. I think there’s a lot more for Australia that she’s done than Prince Philip.”

But Mr Jones does not think the decision reflects on the Prime Minister’s political judgment or on the Government.

“Everyone knows that Tony Abbott holds the monarchy very close to himself,” he said.

“This is a captain’s pick in which he’s made it very clear that this is what he wants to do. This has nothing to do with Government policy; it has nothing to do with process.

“This is something that Tony believes we as a nation need to do. I disagree, but I don’t think this shows that he is disconnected from the Australian people at all.

“Would I have done it? No. But do I object to him doing it? No, I don’t object to him doing it.”

MP says decision adds to ‘downward spiral’

Another MP was more forthright, saying the announcement took the edge off what could have been a good message for Australia Day and showed the Prime Minister’s misunderstanding of where Australia is at.

The MP said it was “a stupid announcement” and “manifestly amazing in the worst possible way”.

He said “it just adds to the downward spiral” because, while MPs are giving their “unswerving support” to Mr Abbott, “he comes up with Prince Philip”.

A second Queensland MP, Warren Entsch, said “for the life of me, I can’t understand why” Mr Abbott decided to honour a British royal.

Another MP said “everyone’s scratching their heads” at “another error of judgment”, adding tongue in cheek that it was appropriate in the centenary of Gallipoli for the Prime Minister to keep blowing the whistle, ordering troops to keep going over the top “only to face certain annihilation”.

“Beyond ridiculous” was yet another Coalition response.

Independent senator Nick Xenophon said Prince Philip already had “every title under the sun”.

“This is a bit like giving Bill Gates an abacus,” he said. “I don’t know what he’s going to do with it.”

Senator Xenophon said he did not see any upside to the Prime Minister’s decision to reinstate Australian knighthoods.

“When the Prime Minister made this announcement about a year ago, I thought it was wackily quaint and anachronistic,” he said.

“But now it’s just become an acute embarrassment, just plainly ridiculous.

“I reckon the Prime Minister is pushing his luck with backbenchers on this one.”

Australia

Australia Day 2015: Advance Australia Fair?

Australia Day 2015: Advance Australia Fair?.

Abbott

Abbott admits he’s wasting 4.3 million taxpayer dollars

Image from noplaceforsheep.com

Tony Abbott “continues to make the most astounding, cringe-worthy gaffes that stretch all credulity” writes Jennifer Wilson.

This, today from a Prime Minister who spends 4.3 million of taxpayer dollars monitoring social media, and employing spin doctors to “offer strategic communications advice” from the information gleaned:

I’ll leave social media to its own devices [said Abbott today]. Social media is kind of like electronic graffiti and I think that in the media, you make a big mistake to pay too much attention to social media,” Mr Abbott said. You wouldn’t report what’s sprayed up on the walls of buildings…

In spite of that 4.3 million taxpayer dollars’ worth of strategic communication advice, in spite of the iron control reportedly exerted over the PM by Chief of Staff Peta Credlin, Abbott continues to make the most astounding, cringe-worthy gaffes that stretch all credulity, and nobody wants him anywhere near them.

So it would seem the spin doctors and Ms Credlin are catastrophically useless at their jobs, because just when you think Abbott can’t get anymore bizarre, he goes and smashes all his previous records of stupid.

If Credlin and the strategic communications advisors were employed by anyone other than the LNP government they’d be sacked. I wonder how any of them will ever find alternative employment, given their unbroken record of spectacular failure with the Prime Minister.

Please do leave social media to its own devices, Mr Abbott, and stop wasting our money on monitoring it to see what it’s saying about you. It’s never anything good, you can be sure of that. How many millions of our dollars do you need to spend to find out what an absolute fool we think you are?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can’t make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear. No matter how many dollars and spin doctors  you throw at it, you just can’t. A pig’s ear is a pig’s ear and right now, on Australia Day 2015, we have a pig’s ear in charge.

(I suppose I should say sorry to pigs, who are really pretty smart animals.)

(Which Tony Abbott is not. A smart animal, that is.)

Image from noplaceforsheep

This article was first publish on No Place For Sheep.

Humour

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful: How is it that our Australian AFP and ASIO have the money but lack the skills of their Florida counterparts?

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and  railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Humour

“Daddy, Why Are Dogs So Much Better Than Human Beings?”

Millie

“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”

“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”

“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”

“Anytime, son.”

Abbott

Tony Abbott Village Idiot

There is no doubt the Abbott Government initiated their productivity commission inquiry into workplace laws as a tool to pursue its obsession with workplace relations and issues like penalty rates and individual contracts.

Since coming to office the Abbott Government has been focussed on cutting the living standards of all Australians, whether through the GP co-payment or higher university fees. This inquiry looks like more of the same.

Abbott

Tony Abbott Village Idiot

Climate Change, Envioment

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe Unable To Locate His Own Ass : Chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee. Plays for Team Koch, along with other oliagarchs of fossil fuel, Murdoch Media and in Australia Team Abbott.

Immigration Presser

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to Senator James Inhofe are telling the Washington Post that the politician from Oklahoma is so stupid that he cannot find his ass even when he utilizes both hands.

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“The man is as dumb as a box of rocks,” said an aide to the senator, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “He has roughly the same IQ as a tapir running around in a South American rain forest. I’m relatively new to the staff, so I don’t know how long he’s been like this, but let me tell you, the man has trouble crossing the fucking street by himself. It’s a classic case of ‘lights on-nobody home.’”

The revelation is all the more alarming because as a result of the November elections Senator Inhofe has assumed the chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

“It’s like making Barney Fife secretary of defense,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “This guy actually believes that the Bible somehow refutes man-made climate change. He’s as bad as those savages in the Middle East that want to take us back to the 7th Century. He belongs in a mental institution or a third grade science class or anywhere other than the U.S. Senate. The man is a menace.”

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Senator Inhofe has become famous for his idiotic statements in the past, such as the time he compared the rise of gay rights to the sinking of the Titanic. Most Americans have up to this point considered him another Tea Party type clown with the native intelligence of cement block, but many are now alarmed that he is chairman of an important committee.

Inhofe’s first act as committee chairman was to take the floor and drone on and on about how anthropologic climate change is a giant hoax perpetrated by scientists who just want funding to continue their lavish lifestyles.

“Man made climate change is just a giant conspiracy like the moon landings and the JFK assassination,” said Inhofe. “We can’t trust these scientists at all, they’re just like doctors. Everyone knows it’s better to pray to God to be healed rather than see a doctor,” raved the moron from Oklahoma.

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The senator used a video made in his garage to support his arguments. The video began with a list of people who don’t agree with the vast majority of climate scientists who say human-caused carbon emissions are contributing to climate change. Inhofe said he has compiled a list of 4,000 “renowned scientists” who disagree with the 97% of climate scientists who actually have looked at the data. Inhofe’s list actually has 650 people-not 4,000, and some of whom are television meteorologists, amateur gynecologists, pizza delivery dudes, and fry cooks at McDonalds.

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Conversely, one of the most recent peer-reviewed studies on the state of climate science showed that out of 4000 abstracts from peer-reviewed papers published in the past 21 years that stated a position on the cause of global warming — 97 percent of these endorsed the point that it was human-caused.

In the video, Inhofe says this is “just not true.” “Whoever heard of someone reviewing a paper on a pier?” said Inhofe. “Piers are for fishing.”

“With people as dumb as Inhofe in positions of power in the federal government, well, things don’t bode well for any meaningful action on climate change for at least the next two years,” said Dr. Black. “It really cements the image of the U.S. Senate as being ‘old, white, male, and stupid.’ One thing about it though, with guys like this and those idiots in the Tea Party on television every week, the Democrats are sure to do well in 2016.”

Nth Korea

Hidden state: Inside North Korea Fault Lines gains rare access into North Korea and examines the impact of US policies on the secretive nation.

http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/faultlines/2015/01/hidden-state-inside-north-korea-201511992840105600.html

Cartoons, Humour

Latuff Cartoons

India Pakistan border fighting intensifies before Obama Kerry visit Altagreer ENGLISH

Latuff Cartoons | ‘A função do artista é violentar’ (Glauber Rocha).

Uncategorized

Here we Joh again! Big miners put out the trash for the Qld election:Oliagarchs controlling the State election with lies damn lies

Here we Joh again! Big miners put out the trash for the Qld election.

Charlie Hebdo

Among the world leaders who flocked to Paris to condemn the attacks were some of the worst perpetrators of repression of journalists, all too often Arab and Muslim journalists.

http://www.democracynow.org/blog/2015/1/15/the_other_charlies

By Amy Goodman

The massacre at Charlie Hebdo, and the subsequent killing of a policewoman and mass murder at the Hyper Cachet kosher market, shocked the world. Young fanatics with automatic weapons unleashed a torrent of violence and death, fueled by zealous intolerance. At the Paris offices of Charlie Hebdo, the satiric newsmagazine, 12 were murdered and 11 wounded. The victims were guilty of nothing more than expressing ideas. Certainly, true to the point of satire, many of the ideas were very offensive to many people—in this case, caricatures of the prophet Muhammad.

In the wake of the violence, people from around the world expressed solidarity with the victims, and with the people of France. Among the world leaders who flocked to Paris to condemn the attacks were some of the worst perpetrators of repression of journalists, all too often Arab and Muslim journalists.

Reporters Without Borders, also known as Reporters Sans Frontieres, or RSF, is based in Paris, not far from the offices of Charlie Hebdo. Word of the attack quickly made it to the staff there. Lucie Morillon, RSF program director, was one of the first people on the scene after the massacre at Charlie Hebdo. I spoke to her in New York City, just a day after she attended last Sunday’s solidarity march in Paris, which drew more than 1 million people. She recounted the events of Wednesday, Jan. 7:

“We were having a meeting … a colleague came in, he said: ‘There’s something huge. It looks like there had been shots fired at Charlie Hebdo, and there might be people dead.’ It was just complete shock, completely surreal.”

They raced to the scene of the massacre. Morillon went on: “There were still bullets on the ground. It was just very chaotic. We were just wondering who’s dead, what happened. And a man left the office, and he just went into President [Francois] Hollande’s arms. He burst into tears, ‘Charb est mort,’ ‘Charb is dead.’” He was speaking of Stephane Charbonnier, Charlie Hebdo’s edit


On Sunday, the day of marches across France, which drew close to 4 million people, the group stated in a press release, “Reporters Without Borders welcomes the participation of many foreign leaders in today’s march in Paris in homage to the victims of last week’s terror attacks and in defence of the French republic’s values, but is outraged by the presence of officials from countries that restrict freedom of information.” The group stated it was “appalled by the presence of leaders from countries where journalists and bloggers are systematically persecuted such as Egypt, Russia, Turkey and United Arab Emirates.”

Photos and video of the world leaders standing, locked arm in arm, leading the massive march, raced around the planet. Much ado was made in the United States of the absence of any high-level Obama administration official. Even though Attorney General Eric Holder was in Paris that day, inexplicably, he didn’t show up for the march. Egypt’s Foreign Minister Sameh Shoukry was there, whose government has imprisoned many journalists, most notably three from Al-Jazeera who have been held for more than a year now: Peter Greste, Mohamed Fahmy and Baher Mohamed.

The Saudi Arabian ambassador to France also showed up at the march. Two days earlier, his government flogged the blogger Raif Badawi. He was sentenced to 1,000 lashes, but the Saudi monarchy is administering 50 lashes per week. Delphine Hagland, the U.S. director of Reporters Without Borders, explained, “They decided to divide the 1,000 lashes in different sessions because they were afraid that he would be killed.”

It has now been reported that the world leaders, locked arm in arm, were not in the march at all, but were gathered for a photo opportunity on a closed street, away from the protest, under guard. Quite simply, it was the people who led that day, not the leaders. “Je Suis Charlie,” or “I am Charlie,” was the battle cry of many. Others tweeted or held signs that read, “I am not Charlie,” condemning the violence without endorsing Charlie Hebdo’s caricatures. A Muslim woman held a sign, “Je Suis Juif,” “I am Jewish,” in solidarity with the Jewish victims. Others held signs that read “Je Suis Ahmed” for Ahmed Merabet, the French Muslim police officer who was killed outside the magazine offices.

Close to 4 million people took to the streets of France last Sunday, demanding a more peaceful society, one in which press freedom and religious tolerance overwhelm violence and hatred.

Denis Moynihan contributed research to this column.

Humour

Jesus Distances Himself From State Lawmakers

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ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly outside the Roma Convention Centre and Exhibition Hall to talk to reporters today regarding the irritating rash of “Religious Freedom Restoration” acts sweeping the country in recent weeks. It seems the Messiah is more than a little irritated with right-wing lawmakers in state houses across America.

“I’d just like to say that these so-called ‘religious freedom acts’ are no more than thinly veiled attempts by pseudo Christians to codify their bigotry and hatred into law,” said the Son of God. “If these people can’t serve homosexuals or gay couples in their various businesses because it offends their so-called ‘faith’, then that faith is not worth a hoot in Hell.”

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“These talking monkey politicians should be a little bit more interested in helping their fellow humans in any way they can rather than telling others who the hell they can sleep with and marry,” said the Prince of Peace. “If you cretins think that Dad and I sit up there and scrutinize every action you people take down here and worry about your damn sexual preferences, well then you’ve got another thing coming. We’ve got slightly better things to do. After all, we manage the entire universe for Heaven’s sake. Who the hell do you think we are, the NSA?”

“Let me make this clear for about the millionth time in 2000 years: I don’t like bigots, racists, homophobes, or assholes in general. I already have to take a fist full of antacids every day to get over the nausea caused by the actions you cretins take in my name. Please start behaving yourselves or prepare to suffer the consequences. I made a brief visit to Hell myself a while back, and believe me, Lucifer has plenty of room for all you miscreants!”

“Now you’ll have to excuse me because I’ve got to mosey on over to the Vatican so I can jerk a knot in Francis’ tail regarding the limits of free speech. You people just wear my ass out sometimes.”

The Lord of Light and Lamb of God was in town promoting the new Birkenstock line of “Wandering Zealot” sandals at the 2015 Saints and Prophets New Product Expo held annually at the Roma Convention Centre. He is expected to leave on Sunday after Mass, and as usual no one knows when he will be coming back.

Freedom of speech

In An Amazingly Stupid Statement, French President Tells Nation That Terrorist Acts “Have Nothing To Do With Muslim Religion”

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Paris (CT&P) – During an address to the nation earlier today, French President Francois Hollande told his countrymen that the actions of four filthy pig-dog Islamic fundamentalist nut jobs “had nothing to do with the Muslim religion.” Mr. Hollande made the statement with a straight face.

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The address to the nation was made shortly after French police and military units dispatched three of the terrorists in hail of gunfire and sent them on their journey to Hell.

Mr. Hollande was merely echoing the sentiments of heads of state and religious leaders around the world made over the past few days after 12 innocent people had their brains spilled on the floor of Charlie Hebdo, the satirical newspaper in Paris.

This high level of delusional behavior in our leaders has alarmed many experts in the field of mental health.

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Dr. Frank Black, a psychoanalyst at the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey, told reporters that “These idiot politicians and pompous ass religious leaders started spouting all this bullshit about the “religion of peace” shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Hell, even George Bush said we were not at war with Islam. I think anyone who has been incinerated or disemboweled by a fucking suicide bomber or maniac with an AK-47 might disagree.”

“After all, these brainless cretins are not running around killing people screaming ‘Roll Tide or War Eagle, are they?” continued Black. “They’re yelling Allahu Akbar! Well, I’m here to tell you, God ain’t that great. I don’t see millions of Muslims lining up to mourn the employees of Charlie Hebdo. Hell, even the president of the Catholic League chastised the cartoonists! Until we human beings outgrow this obsession with living forever and following rules written by cave men, we are going to continue to murder each other in ever-growing numbers. Fuck!”

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Although one terrorist apparently escaped capture even though she was surrounded by about a gazillion cops, Mr. Hollande told reporters that he was confident she would be captured. Hopefully this whore will also be torn apart by lead from fired from police machine guns. God forbid the French people have to pay for her food and lodging for the  rest of her natural life.

By the way, odds makers in Las Vegas will give you one chance in a million that the dirty, filthy bitch is not a Muslim.

American Brainstorm, IQ, Je suis Charlie

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!’”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”

Australia, Government score

abbott and shorten

Trust Federal Parliament? Sure can

Tony Abbott and Bill Shorten close ranks and seem to like the current situation of factional groups being installed by industry lobbyists to control our treasury.

In 1992 the former secretary to the Office of Governor-General, Sir David Smith, wrote: There is much that is wrong with the way this nation is governed and administered: never before have we had so many Royal Commissions and other inquiries; never before have we had so many office-holders and other figures in, or facing the prospect of prison; never before have the electors registered their dissatisfaction with the political process by returning so many independent and minor party candidates to Parliament.

This quote from 22 years ago could have been written today.

 

On 16 June 2013 in The Australian newspaper Tony Fitzgerald QC (who chaired the 1987 Queensland Royal Commission) wrote an article The Body Politic is Rotten. He stated: “There are about 800 politicians in Australia’s parliaments. According to their assessments of each other, that quite small group includes role models for lying, cheating, deceiving, “rorting”, bullying, rumour-mongering, back-stabbing, slander, “leaking”, “dog-whistling”, nepotism and corruption.”

The dominance of the major parties by little known and unimpressive faction leaders who have effective control of Australia’s democracy and destiny… might be tolerable if the major parties acted with integrity but they do not. Their constant battles for power are venal, vicious and vulgar The 2010-13 Federal Parliament saw the major parties virtually eliminate any real form of democratic debate substituting little but character assassination of opponents.

The same period saw both state and federal governments pandering to special interests allowing massive increases in the promotion of gambling and alcohol. Pandering to the development and mining industries and the seemingly endless privatisation of public assets often creating private monopolies, continued irrespective of public opinion.

Over the last 30 years politicians’ staff has increased dramatically. At federal level there are now some 17 hundred personal staff to ministers and members. The states probably account for over two thousand more. Add to this the direct political infiltration of federal-state public services and quangos with hundreds more jobs for the boys and girls, there is now a well-established political class.

This has provided the political parties with a career path for members. In many cases it often produces skilled, partisan, “whatever it takes” warriors with a richly rewarded life through local state and federal governments to a well-funded retirement. Unfortunately while this career path, as Tony Fitzgerald states, does include principled well-motivated people … it also attracts professional politicians with little or no general life experience and unscrupulous opportunists, unburdened by ethics, who obsessively pursue power, money or both.

In an article in the Saturday Paper, Rob Oakeshott writes:

“Australia needs a royal commission into political donations.

The real threat is within government itself. It is the increasing corruption of our public decision-making by influence gained through record levels of private donations. The only colour Australia needs to fear is the colour of money in its democracy. Chequebook decision-making is the silent killer of necessary reform.”

Political parties as they have developed over the last century seem like two mafia families seeking control of the public purse for distribution to themselves, supporters, the special interests who fund them and for buying votes at the next election. Political parties are not mentioned in the Constitution. They are effectively unregulated private organisations but they now control government treasuries

The two-party system stifles ideas, debate and decision-making within the parties. The faction system often ensures minority views triumph within both party rooms. In the case of the government, the minority view will then be taken into parliament and become an even greater minority law. Voting within parties is often based on what faction members belong to, who wants to become or stay a minister or who wants to be party leader. What the electors think is at best a secondary consideration. Party members almost always follow the party line and are often voting against what they really believe or what their electorates would want.

 “Government of the people, by the powerbrokers, for the mates”.

ISIS

Pushed or Jumped? Who is this moderate coalition of rebels? Who is the coalition of ME states? If I donate money to our allies will I be arrested?

Responding to Syrian objections over the Administration’s plans to fly combat missions against ISIS in Syrian territory, President Obama told journalists at the White House that as far as he was concerned, Bashar Assad could “Fuck off and die.”

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In a speech to the nation last night, Mr. Obama said the United States was recruiting a global coalition to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the militants, known as the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria. He warned that “eradicating a cancer” like ISIS was a long-term challenge that would put some American troops at risk.

“We will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are,” Mr. Obama declared in a 14-minute address. “That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq,” he added, using an alternative name for ISIS. “This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.”

Mr. Obama specifically stated that he would not place U.S. “boots on the ground” in Iraq or Syria, which most intelligent pundits interpreted as meaning that we will have no large ground units in the Middle East like we did in the recent Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but did not preclude the use of special forces units and forward air observers.

Obama-Angry

Although Mr. Obama has received political support from both parties on his policy statement, some pundits on the far right, particularly those who depend on Fox News for their income, have criticized the President for not going far enough. In addition, several members of the wing nut radio talk show crowd, along with former members of the Bush Administration, continue to blame Obama for the whole situation.

“The Bush Administration and its cheerleaders caused this clusterfuck by invading Iraq in the first place,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Anyone who listens to Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh, or Sean Hannity on this subject needs his head examined anyway. They’re best bet is to shut the fuck up, that way they won’t sound so ignorant.”