Well, you thought he couldn’t do it; you thought that Tony Abbott was indulging in intemperate exuberance [or telling fibs] when he said in 2013 that during the first five years of his reign as Emperor of Australia, he would create one million new jobs.
Well, you would have to eat your words now, wouldn’t you? Because not only did he achieve his goal, he did it mostly from the back-bench and that’s not easy. One million new jobs, WOW!
But, as frequently happens with our former Prime Minister’s moments of triumph, there is always some smart-arse lefty statistician running around ready to prick Tony’s balloon with annoying facts.
The Liberals were right. There’s no need for a banking Royal Commission. It’s just fostering ill will and leading to a lot of complaints from people. Ok, not perhaps, the dead clients that the Commonwealth Bank continued to charge for advice even though they knew that they’d died. Let’s be real here, people. Dead people aren’t in the best position to make their own decisions so they probably needed the advice more than anyone. I have it from a source that in many cases the advice was: “You should stop paying me now that you’re dead.” Not one of these dead clients are complaining that the advice was wrong, even if it wasn’t heeded.
The cry of “it was just satire” is more and more common. Why it’s on the rise and why it’s not a real defense
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a spate of annoying telephone pranks that has lasted nearly two weeks, heads of state from around the world have been receiving crank calls from someone claiming to be the President of the United States, the United Nations reported on Thursday.
According to the U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, who has fielded complaints about the crank calls, the caller has tormented leaders from Mexico, Australia, and many other countries.
“The pattern is always the same,” Gutteres said. “The caller is identified as the President of the United States, so naturally he is put right through. Once he is connected with the head of state, he begins to speak in a threatening and harassing manner.”
“Then, as his threats reach a crescendo, he hangs up,” Gutteres said. “Clearly, it’s someone’s idea of a sick joke.”
The Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, became a victim of the crank caller over the weekend, an experience that he called “highly irritating.”
“I’m a very busy man, and I don’t have time to be the butt of some deranged person’s joke,” Turnbull said. “I’ve blocked the phone number, and I understand other heads of state have done the same.”
ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.
The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.
“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.
“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.
When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.
“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”
One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.
“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”
When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”
AINESVILLE – (CT&P) – The large number of shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina in recent weeks naturally has the vacationing public nervous about entering the water during their yearly vacations this summer. However, some common sense precautions can help you or a loved one from becoming a meal for a hungry shark while you visit the superheated waters just off the tourist trap hellhole you’ve chosen to visit during your brief once-a-year break from your soul crushing job that is leading nowhere.
While the odds of being attacked remain small even in the shark infested waters off North Carolina, you can minimize them further by heeding a list of survival tips compiled by George H. Burgess of the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History, the University of Florida.
• Always stay in tightly packed groups of 50 to 100 individuals, and move around like a herd of zebras as this confuses most sharks. Man-eaters are much more likely to attack a solitary individual or one who is sick or wounded. Always keep elderly people and children at the outer edges of the group as they can be used to hold the shark’s attention while the herd reaches safety on the beach.
• Do not wander too far from shore—this isolates you and additionally places you far away from assistance when one of your limbs is torn off and the water around you turns crimson.
• Avoid being in the water between the hours of midnight and 6 A.M. after drinking all night. These are the hours when sharks are most active and have a competitive sensory advantage because it’s fucking dark and you are blind drunk.
• Do not enter the water if you have just severed an artery, are losing blood because of huge tumors in your colon, are menstruating to beat the band, or have running sores all over your skin caused by a virulent form of venereal disease picked up on your last trip to southeast Asia—a shark’s olfactory ability is acute.
• Wearing shiny jewelry such as your $10,000 Rolex or diamond rings is discouraged because the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales. It’s a much better idea to leave these dangerous items on your beach towel.
• Avoid swimming in waters with known effluents or raw sewage and those being used by sport or commercial fishermen, especially if there are signs of bait fishes or feeding activity. Diving seabirds are good indicators of such action. It’s always a good idea to avoid lounging around in waters filled with chum, fish blood, or the remains of last week’s shark attack victims.
• Sightings of porpoises do not indicate the absence of sharks—this is reality, not Flipper, you fuckwit.
• Use extra caution when waters are murky and avoid uneven tanning and bright-colored clothing—sharks see contrast particularly well. It’s always best to sunbathe and swim nude, especially if you are a healthy young woman between the ages of 18 and 24.
• Refrain from excess splashing and beating the water while screaming “I don’t want to die!” over and over again. Do not allow pets in the water because of their erratic movements-Fido makes a tasty snack for a 12 foot Great White.
• Exercise caution when swimming in areas with nicknames like “Bloody Bay”, “Carnage Cove”, “Dismemberment Beach”, and “Abattoir Shores.” Avoid resort cities with an inordinate number of prosthetic surgeons in the phone book.
• Do not enter the water if sharks are known to be present, you idiot. Evacuate the water if you see a swarm of sharks approaching you, even if they appear friendly. If you do encounter a shark up close, don’t harass or hurl epithets at him. Sharks are sensitive and may react violently to unwarranted criticism.
Dr. Burgess says that the only way to be absolutely sure of avoiding an attack is to stay away from the fucking water. However, if you follow the simple rules outlined above you’ll greatly reduce the odds of being eaten alive or losing a limb while enjoying the one time per year you get to forget that life is just a series of depressing events that lead inevitably to your death.
Comedy can often be a sword and a shield. George Carlin is one of the few comics that comes to mind when I think of a comedian who could make a point about a touchy subject, and make you laugh at the same time. Carlin had the verbal skill to have you laughing one minute, and the next minute drop an insightful message. George Carlin was a comedian who practically defined the word “edgy”. His material was often political and he was well known for pointing out hypocrisies which earned him the title “Master of Sociological Comedy”. Very few people have had the ability to say the things that need to be said in a way that makes you think and laugh like Carlin could. Carlin’s observations on life, people, politics, and religion will certainly be missed.
22 Brilliant Quotes from George Carlin:
“But when you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.”
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”
“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you: ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is: ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.’”
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. “
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”
“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, for strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”
“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”
“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”
“This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. ”
GENEVA – (CT&P) – Goofy ass Secretary of State John Kerry has broken his fucking leg while riding his bicycle in a charity event near Scionzier, France, wherever the hell that is. Kerry is said to have lost control of his bike in wet conditions while trying to hold both an umbrella and his latte at the same time.
“Mr. Kerry began hydroplaning and completely lost control of his bike, veered off the road, hit a curb, and plowed through a line of French schoolchildren who were waiting outside a cinema to watch a Jerry Lewis movie marathon,” said a Secret Service agent who was following along behind Kerry on his own bike.
None of the schoolchildren were seriously injured, but 12 other cyclists were killed when drunken Secret Service agents hustled Kerry into a chase vehicle and ran over dozens of other cyclists in an attempt to get Kerry out of danger.
“We thought we were surrounded by FIFA gunmen, so we needed to act quickly,” said one of the agents.
The Secretary of State was taken to a hospital in Geneva and never lost consciousness. He will be returning to Boston to receive further treatment.
Mr. Kerry, 71, had been scheduled to fly to Madrid on Sunday afternoon for an official visit there. He was then set to travel to Paris for a meeting on Tuesday of foreign ministers from the coalition the United States has assembled to confront the Islamic State, also known as ISIS or ISIL.
Those travel plans have been canceled, but Mr. Kerry plans to participate in the Paris event remotely by a video conference so he will not be in a position to harm anyone attending the meeting.
John Kirby, a State Department spokesman, said that the secretary would return to the United States in “an aircraft outfitted to ensure that he cannot get up and destroy anything else throughout the flight. Its use is nothing more than a prudent medical step on the advice of physicians.” Aides and reporters traveling with the secretary flew back to Washington on his plane.
Aides to Secretary Kerry say he is expected to make a full recovery and will be out and about wreaking havoc again in no time.
LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Embattled former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has made an offer on Michael Jackson’s old Neverland Ranch property, according to the L. A. Times.
Hastert, who served alongside Bob Livingston, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, and a whole host of other Republican criminals while in office, has been charged with lying to the F.B.I. and making cash withdrawals from banks in a way that was designed to hide that he was paying $3.5 million to someone for his “misconduct” from years ago, a federal indictment released on Thursday said.
Mr. Hastert, 73, the longest-serving Republican speaker, had worked as a lobbyist since leaving office. The indictment, announced by the United States attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, said Mr. Hastert, who was once a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Ill., had so far paid $1.7 million to the person, who had lived in Yorkville and had known Mr. Hastert for most of his or her life. Mr. Hastert worked in Yorkville from 1965 to 1981.
The person, who is referred to as “Johnny Cutesack” in court documents, has reportedly told prosecutors that Hastert repeatedly grabbed and compressed his scrotum while supposedly teaching him wrestling moves.
Cutesack told prosecutors that he finally had to “come clean” because he felt he had wrung “just about all the cash he could” out of the conservative Christian former politician.
Despite Hastert’s legal problems, he hired a real estate agent to approach the current owners of Jackson’s former home in Santa Barbara County in order to make an offer on the property.
“Once all this blows over I want to give something back to society,” said Hastert. “I entered politics with a net worth of a mere $250,000, yet I managed to make millions while Speaker of the House and as a lobbyist. I’ll never have to set foot in an office again. I want to put all my ill-gotten gains to good use by setting up a wrestling camp for attractive young boys. Praise the Lord!”
Prosecutors do not share Hastert’s optimism however.
Kimberly Nerheim, spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office, told reporters in Chicago that “By the time we get finished with this hypocrite he’s going to feel like he’s had a red hot poker shoved up his ass.”
– (CT&P) – Members of the Religion of Peace hacked another blogger to death in Bangladesh earlier today as part of a campaign designed to show the world that peace, love, and tolerance represent the very foundations of Islam.
Ananta Bijoy Das, a blogger who advocated secularism, was attacked by four machete-wielding assailants in the northeastern district of Sylhet on Tuesday morning, senior police official Mohammad Rahamatullah told Reuters.
Rahamatullah said that the assailants were screaming “God is a great dude who lusts after the blood of anyone who disagrees with our fucked-up philosophy,” and “Remember the 7th century! Let’s go back!” as they hacked Das into pieces small enough to be placed into a battery-powered blender that a fifth attacker was carrying in a knapsack.
Das was a 33-year-old banker and editor of science magazine “Jukti,” which means “logic,” and on the advisory board of “Mukto Mona” (Free Mind), a website propagating rationalism and opposing fundamentalism that was founded by U.S.-based blogger Avijit Roy.
Das is the third blogger to be dismembered in the name of the beloved peace-loving pedophile Prophet Muhammad in broad daylight by followers of the all merciful one true sadistic and murderous god Allah.
Roy himself was hacked to death in February while returning home with his wife from a Dhaka book fair, and on March 30, Washiqur Rahman, another secular blogger who aired his outrage over Roy’s death on social media, was killed in similar fashion in the capital, Dhaka.
Roy’s widow, Rafida Bonya Ahmed, who was maimed in the attack and is in hiding in the United States, told Reuters Das’ case was similar to that of her husband.
“We told him so many times you need to be careful, because these dumbass sadistic religious fanatics are a dime a dozen in countries like Bangladesh, but he just thought that this was his passion, what he was supposed to do, and he had been doing it for a long time,” she said.
Ahmed said she would not be surprised if more bloggers were targeted. “Because the killers know they can get away with this, it will continue to happen,” she said. “This is serial killing by a bunch of religious zealot assholes that want to return to the good old days of the 7th century.”
According to monitoring service SITE Intelligence Group, Islamist militant group Ansar al-Islam Bangladesh said al Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent (AQIS) had claimed responsibility for the attack.
In a statement released this afternoon, AQIS said that the attacks will continue until “everyone on earth accepts our version of Islam and we are allowed to burn all western books, treat women like dogs, murder any homosexuals we come across, and marry as many goats as we see fit. Only then will Allah’s love and blessings be bestowed on our planet and everyone will live in equal misery and ignorance.”
SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL, to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.
During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”
“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.
“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”
Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.
Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.
“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.
When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.
“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.
SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA – (CT&P) -A bird flu outbreak that has puzzled farmers and scientists has spread to three more Midwest turkey farms, bringing the number of farms infected to 23 and raising the death toll to more than 1.2 million birds killed by the disease or by authorities scrambling to contain it.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed on Saturday that the H5N2 strain of avian influenza was found among 38,000 birds at a commercial farm in Kandiyohi County in west-central Minnesota. It’s the third confirmed outbreak in Kandiyohi, which is the top turkey producing county in the country’s top turkey producing state.
South Dakota State Veterinarian Dustin Oedekoven said crews were working Saturday to begin euthanizing any birds not killed by the highly contagious strain to prevent the virus from spreading.
Once those birds have been destroyed, the 23 farms in Minnesota, South Dakota, North Dakota, Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas will have lost more than 1.2 million turkeys, a small fraction of the 235 million turkeys produced nationally in 2014. Canadian officials also confirmed earlier in the week that a turkey farm in southern Ontario with 44,800 birds was hit, too.
“We just can’t understand it,” said Rufus Simpleton, a turkey farmer from Guano Flats in central Minnesota. “I mean, we feed these birds a wonderful high-fat diet and pump them full of antibiotics practically from the day they’re born. Then we provide excellent living conditions for them. Each bird has at least a one square foot area in which they can grow up and live a productive and fulfilling life. It’s not like they don’t have social contacts, I mean each turkey has immediate access to roughly 50,000 other turkeys living in the same room. I just can’t understand why they would get sick.”
Dr. Beth Thompson, assistant director of the Minnesota Board of Animal Health, said the reason Minnesota has had so many cases has a lot to do with the fact that it’s the country’s top turkey producing state, and that it has a myriad of ponds and lakes that are attractive stopover places for migrating waterfowl such as ducks, who are suspected of carrying the deadly bird flu virus.
“It’s got to be the ducks, damn their black souls!” said Thompson. “Packing 50,000 members of the same species into concentration camp conditions and fattening them to point where they can barely walk has got nothing to do with it, that’s for sure.”
In Minnesota, turkey producers have now lost over 900,000 birds.
Officials stress the risk to public health is low and that there’s no danger to the food supply, as long as no one wants to eat turkey meat. No human cases have been detected in the U.S., but conspiracy theorists hope that will change soon.
Because trucks and equipment provide a potential way to carry the virus onto farms, Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton signed an executive order Friday lifting seasonal weight restrictions for poultry feed trucks and trailers, and for emergency equipment being used in the response. His order said tightening biosecurity by reducing the number of trips to poultry farms is critical to lowering the risk of introducing the virus to non-infected farms.
Governor Dayton signed another order calling for the aerial use of nerve gas over 90% of Minnesota’s lakes and ponds in order to kill the offending waterfowl. “We want to err on the side of caution here, so killing millions of ducks that may or may not be carrying the virus seems like the logical thing to do,” said Dayton.
Meanwhile, chicken farmers all across the Southeast are reporting raised levels of unrest and nervousness among their flocks as it seems more and more likely that the traditional Thanksgiving menu will have to be changed this year.
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be shedding his skin again in early April, according to an aide. The aide stated that as is usually the case during the procedure, Governor Scott would unavailable for about three days as he walks around the Governor’s Mansion naked while rubbing up against rough surfaces. The shedding comes as a surprise because it will be taking place a full three weeks ahead of schedule, as the serpent-politician usually exuviates only once every two months, and he last cast off his epidermis in late February.
“The governor’s decision to molt earlier than scheduled was due to a combination of factors,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous because the last person to disclose private information about Scott ended up on an altar in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
“For one thing, Governor Scott wanted nice colorful scales for Easter,” said the aide. “He has several events scheduled where he will be hunting Easter eggs with kids and wanted to look good for the cameras. Also, the governor will be taking advantage of the glut in Easter Bunny inventory at pet stores around Tallahassee by feeding on some of the more tasty looking lagomorphs. He always likes to have nice, fresh, flexible skin when devouring large rodents or hares.”
“Finally, the governor picked up some annoying parasites during the annual Xipe Totec equinox celebration, which took place on March 20th. It seems that while wearing the skin of an illegal farm worker he picked up some blood-sucking mites. The governor had earlier flayed the man alive and run around the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion dancing and chanting in order to celebrate and give thanks to the god of agriculture, vegetation, and the seasons. Since the governor is already anemic, he felt he needed to slough off his old skin and rid himself of the bugs rather than risk infection.”
The aide emphasized that although the molting was taking place earlier than scheduled, the governor’s old skin will be auctioned off for charity in the usual fashion. All proceeds will benefit the children of the migrant farm workers and state prisoners that the governor regularly sacrifices in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Banjo, or Banjo the Stubborn as he is known in and around his Kingdom of Anthraxia, celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday by taking a nearly day long nap. The event was a far cry from celebrations of old, when canine royalty from all parts of Cherokee County were invited to a three-day long Feist Festival that featured agility competitions, tree climbing tournaments, and baby rodent eating contests. Most of the attendees were fellow members of the Feist royal family, but all canines were welcome at these events.
For those unfamiliar with this noble breed, Feists are generally small (shorter than 18 inches, and weigh less than 30 lb), short-coated dogs with long legs and a pointed (snipy) nose. The ears set high on the head and are button, erect, or short hang ears. Traditionally the tail is a natural bobtail. As Feists are bred for hunting, not as show dogs, there is little to no consistency in appearance. They are identified more by the way they hunt and their size than by their appearance.
Individual dogs can hunt in more than one way, but in general, Feists work above ground to chase small prey, especially squirrels. Most Feists have an extreme drive to chase rabbits, squirrels, and all other rodents.
When hunting, Feists, unlike hounds, are silent and stealthy on track until they sight a squirrel. They locate squirrels using their eyes, ears, or nose then tree them barking loudly and circling the tree. This circling and barking can go on ad nauseam for hours on end in the case of a particularly persistent Feist such as Banjo the Stubborn.
When they have treed a squirrel, Feists will chase the squirrel until it leaves their sight. During the chase they will wade through streams, leap over logs, and dash across roads to get to their prey. Most Feists exhibit a blood lust seldom seen outside the Middle East.
Although they put up a furious chase, Feists rarely catch squirrels, expecting their owners to obliterate them with a shotgun blast or an anti-tank weapon.
Banjo, the last aristocrat in his line of Treeing Feists, first assumed the throne as a young pup 17 long years ago when his father, Viola the Violent, was assassinated during a fifth column revolt masterminded by Viola’s half brother Cello the Squirrel Crusher. Cello met his demise under the wheels of a 72 Ford pickup shortly after the assassination when forces loyal to Viola chased him out onto Hwy 64.
After ascending the throne Banjo instituted a series of reforms which effectively abolished serfdom within his kingdom and granted equal rights to all canines, regardless of breed, color, religious affiliation, or sexual preference. The reforms were greeted with great praise within the kingdom and indeed all across Cherokee County.
Banjo even founded the “Pooch Project,” a series of dog houses built to feed and house strays that are down on their luck and need help to “hike their leg up” and become productive members of society again. The system has been studied by other rulers across the state and several have adopted it as a mutt motivator and effective safety net for the less fortunate.
Nevertheless Banjo has ruled with an iron paw for most of his reign, reserving the right to send lawbreakers away to serve long kennel sentences. Occasionally, some unfortunates are even sent into exile across the state line into Tennessee, a fate considered worse than death by canines and humans alike.
In general however, most miscreants are allowed to earn degrees in obedience while incarcerated and often come out changed dogs.
Banjo, is an almost universally adored regent, and has assured the immortality of his reign by commissioning statues and palaces to honor his ancestors. These monuments dot the landscape of Anthraxia to this day.
A sculpture depicting Geetar the Great’s victory over the coyotes at Chlamydia Creek, a five bedroom stone dog house dedicated to the reign of Harmonica the Horrible, a full sized bronze statue of Mandolin the Malodorous, and a diamond-encrusted golden water bowl cast in honor of Piccolo the Pernicious, who once slaughtered 37 chipmunks in a single day, all stand as great monuments to Banjo’s ancestors.
As his reign winds down, Banjo now spends most of his time napping atop his sofa throne inside his palace, the Cabin Anthrax. It’s doubtful that Cherokee County will ever again see such an extended period of peace and prosperity. Indeed, pundits have compared Banjo’s reign to that Augustus of Rome, James I of England, and even the Sun King, Louis XIV of France.
Although a pack of canine well-wishers surrounded the Cabin Anthrax yesterday howling in unison “God Save our Gracious King,” Banjo declined to appear, preferring instead to feast on a royal brunch of pork sausage, cheese and kibble Quiche made by his attendant and aide Uncle Jerry. Afterwards the sated sovereign returned to the sofa to snooze contentedly while his humble servant watched Arsenal defeat Manchester United in exciting FA Cup 6th Round action.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A statement released this morning from the Criminally Negligent Parents Association announced that the annual Anti-Vaccination Convention and Voodoo Science Expo will be moved to Petersburg, Kentucky this year. The group was forced to find a new site for the event when it became apparent that the original choice, Disneyland, had become too dangerous to visit.
The anti-vaxxers will join the Dumb Ass Conspiracy Theorist’s League, the Climate Change Denier’s Guild, and the Open Carry Accidental Gunshot Wound Alliance at the Creation Museum in mid September in one big celebration of ignorance. The American Family Association has also changed the dates of its annual “Jesus Hates Fags” Homosexual Hatefest and Chili Cookoff to coincide with the event.
“We thought that combining our convention with those of like-minded organizations just made economic sense, and as far as we have been able to determine, the measles outbreak currently ravaging the west coast has not yet spread to the backwoods of Kentucky, so it should be safe,” said Jenny McCarthy, spokesperson for the organization of twits.
“The Creation Museum was the perfect choice,” said Glenn Beck, keynote speaker for the event. “Ken Ham has built a veritable altar to ignorance there in Petersburg. He, like me, has managed to build a profitable career on the utter ignorance of the American public.”
Turd McPherson, president of the Climate Change Denier’s Club, agreed. “Ken has done a great job building a child-friendly environment that erases 300 years of scientific progress. He’s gone to great lengths to replace it with superstitious nonsense out of a book written before we knew our ass from a hole in the ground.”
“We all know that the Bible says we can’t change the climate, just like we all know that Noah put giant dinosaurs on a lifeboat along with every other species of animal on the planet. It’s just common sense. Science is the real enemy in the modern world, and we have to fight it tooth and nail,” said McPherson.
The convention, which was originally scheduled for June, had to be delayed because federal authorities insisted on the erection of a giant electric fence encircling the museum and the entire city of Petersburg.
“We can’t take the risk that any pathogens might escape,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. “We’re coordinating with Homeland Security and FEMA in order to reduce the chance that we might have some sort of plague outbreak that could harm the citizens of our country who actually have functioning forebrains.”
“This combined convention will be the largest concentration of dolts, cretins, morons, and dunderheads in one location that the nation has seen since the 2010 National Tea Party Convention in Dimbulb, Texas,” said FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate. “We have to be prepared for the worst.”