Justice Alito Laments Disrespect for Religion as Americans Abandon Faith – Will his Dobbs Push them Further Away?Justice Alito Laments Disrespect for Religion as Americans Abandon Faith – Will his Dobbs Push them Further Away?
We have to stop living in the past, teach science properly in all schools, let people follow any beliefs they choose – as long as they do not harm others in so doing – and teach ethics in all schools, while the money saved from ceasing to give tax benefits to existing bodies – except for genuinely philanthropic activities – should be used to help all the people who are currently struggling to survive. Far more important than religion, is ensuring that all can survive, and that demands attention to climate change!
The question needs to be asked. All parliamentarians – and mainstream media too – would do well to read the full 152-page Religiosity in Australia. The report has amassed clear evidence that public support for organised religion is not simply “in decline”, it has essentially degraded to half the figure suggested by the 2016 census. Primarily it’s a rump of devout Catholics, evangelicals, and Pentecostals who believe that only they are qualified to govern – much like PM Scott Morrison, and others, who claim they were called to do “God’s work.” Combining religion and politics has never ended well – particularly when conservative governments enmesh with the new “puritan” strains of religion that are based on the beliefs of biblical literalism. They deny science, climate change, and human evolution – and tragically, these parents teach their kids the same misinformation.
Our constitution was originally framed as a ‘secular’ document but successive conservative governments, and a number of unfortunate High Court decisions, have led Church authorities to repeatedly claim (incorrectly) that Australia is a “Christian nation.” It is not.The Irony of Political and Religious Power – » The Australian Independent Media Network
My thought for the day Science has made in my lifetime, the most staggering achievements and they are embraced, recognised and enjoyed by all sections of society. The only areas that I can think of where Science is questioned are in the religious fever of climate change, conservative politics and unconventional religious belief. ( John Lord )Religion and politics can agree, but rarely do (part 1) – » The Australian Independent Media Network
The invoking of Religion in a Multicultural Democracy (ODT)
I KEEP six honest serving-men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.
Continuing to refuse to accept the science is dooming the world to even more unpleasant circumstances for our children than they will already experience because we have waited so long to take really effective action.
I truly believe the real adults need to take over the streets until the government gets stuck into the job which it is morally obliged to take on!
Ensuring that the world remains habitable for all living things!
GOP FINALLY Denying Trump’s Racist Rants. It’s Socialism (ODT)
The Republican party has come out swinging against socialism – a strategy sure to be a mainstay of its 2020 campaigns. “Our opposition to our socialist colleagues,” the Wyoming senator Liz Cheney claimed, referring to the congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley, “has absolutely nothing to do with their gender, with their religion, or with their race. It has to do with the content of their policies. They are wrong when they attempt to impose the fraud of socialism on the American people. They are wrong when they pursue policies that would steal power from the American people and give that power to the government.”
If as I do, you believe that Jesus was the world’s first socialist then you would find it extremely difficult to accept the Pentecostal/charismatic church’s adoption of conservative political and social values.
In particular its adherence to “prosperity theology“, which links any scripture that suggests that God wants the very best financial success for his followers to you personally.
The Prime Minister will be taking a great risk if he chooses to unite his Christian beliefs with his political philosophy. Australians have never liked “Bible Bashers.”
My thought for the day
When asked as to my belief or otherwise in religion, or indeed my tendency toward a continuous search for truth. I can only say that I am in a perpetual state of observation which is the very basis of science or fact.
Goodbye to the Hippocratic Oath after 2000 years (ODT)
Doctors, nurses and other health workers can opt out of procedures such as abortions and sterilizations which violate their personal or religious beliefs, under a rule issued by the US Department of Health and Human Services on Thursday.
There is no fineness of oppression. We become the words we use. One small lie inevitably must be paid for with another larger lie, and that with more again. To rob one human of freedom demands that we must rob another, or the crime becomes too obvious. That is why to falsely imprison one human for no crime is a scandal while to kidnap and falsely imprison thousands for no crime is called a national necessity.
This was, and always was only about the basest electoral politics, playing to a racist idea of Australia, that over 20 years, gave cover and then legitimacy to increasingly dangerous and murderous groups in our society.
St Matthew Guy says it’s “alright to be Christian and shh…White. Did he steal Pauline Hansons line? So much for the Separation of Powers freedom, of religion and the Australian Constitution (ODT)
Religious instruction classes will be reintroduced into the Victorian state school curriculum if the Coalition wins next month’s election.
Matthew Guy also reiterated his party’s promise to abolish the contentious Safe Schools program and said he was not ashamed to say he was a Christian.
“A government I lead will always believe that you determine the values by which you raise your children, not the education department,” he said.
the rich get richer, the earth dies, common people bicker and argue about Patriarchy and marriage rights while everything burns around us. And all the while the press declares this as progress and trumpets changes in laws about marriage, and discriminating for women (and against men) as signs of progress. The world is being destroyed, families are being destroyed, debt is growing, congestion is growing, the environment is being destroyed, and men are being pushed out of work, becoming more and more sidelined in society. Families are falling apart and people becoming more frustrated, more angry and more violent. Yet amongst all this discord it is declared that there are signs of social progress. What a bloody mess! And who can we turn to now? The union movement has almost been crushed by neo-liberal forces, or sold out to growth, and it too has been directing resources into the new ‘left’ agenda.
Hamas new ‘Document of Principles’ ditches Islamism for frank positions on borders, international law, and human rights. But can the movement maintain unity as it inches closer to the ideas held by its rivals in the PLO? By Menachem Klein (translated by Philip Podolsky) Hamas’ recently-revised charter, titled “Document of General Principles and Policies” sees the group go down a path that could eventually result in its fracturing. Once it chose to depart from the simplistic and monolithic guidelines of the Islamic Charter, it had no choice but to acknowledge the ideological differences that drive the movement’s leadership apart (as do the inevitable power…
By Brian Morris Religious institutions will feel a pressing need to regain the initiative following damning revelations from the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse. With renewed calls for a parliamentary conscience vote on marriage equality — and foreshadowed legislation on voluntary euthanasia in three states — one may assume the churches will resume their…
PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.
“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”
“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read? I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.
“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”
“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”
After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.
The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.
Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.
“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.
PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – As part of an ongoing jihad on the people of Haiti, God has sent powerful Hurricane Matthew to drown as many innocent people as possible and set up favorable conditions for outbreaks of typhus, dysentery, and mosquito-borne illnesses such as malaria, West Nile virus, yellow fever, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, and of course Zika.
Jehovah surrogate Pat Robertson told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that the Almighty Creator of the Universe also hoped that there would be extensive damage to an already decimated infrastructure followed by a shortage of food and potable water which would precipitate sporadic outbreaks of violence leading to even more deaths.
“The Good Lord was just not satisfied with the 2010 earthquake,” said a drooling Robertson, who is thought to be about 112 years old. “Sure, he murdered around 175,000 men, women, and children, but as he said at the time, he was ‘just getting started.’”
Blitzer asked Robertson why God hated Haitians so much that he was willing to kill babies in their cribs and drain innocent people of their precious bodily fluids until they died horrible deaths while lying in their own filth.
“Well, Haitians are a bunch of voodoo-worshiping negroes,” responded Robertson, as his head lolled to the right. “God is not that fond of black folks to begin with, and when you throw in all that voodoo shit it really pisses him off.”
Robertson went on to explain that after Haiti was destroyed, the hurricane will proceed to Cuba, where it will kill a bunch of godless commies, and ultimately end up wreaking havoc in Vermont, because it’s the home of Bernie Sanders, who is a fucking socialist.
Robertson also said that Hurricane Matthew will be followed up by hurricanes Mark, Luke, and John which will meander all over the Caribbean wiping out a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and Presbyterians, because God always hated John Calvin and “that stupid predestination thing.”
According to Robertson after the hurricane season is over God plans on getting back to murdering more of those idol-worshiping Nepalese.
CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.
Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.
Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.
“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.
“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.
The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.
“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”
When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”
“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”
The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.
“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.
“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”
By Juan Cole | (Informed Comment) | – – Pew Research has released a report saying that “As a whole, …
By Juan Cole | (Informed Comment) | – – The Institute for Social Policy and Understanding (ISPU) published a new …
DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.
Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.
“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.
“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.
“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!
“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”
Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.
Here are some questions and answers about the religious split dividing Sunni Saudi Arabia and Shiite Iran:Q: What is the split about?A: The split emerged over
THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.
“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.
“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”
Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.
“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.
“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.
“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”
Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.
The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.
Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.
“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.
Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.
“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”
Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.
“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.
“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”
The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.
When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.
President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.
If you’re a rationalist like Hugh Harris, then you’re probably looking forward to the results of the National Census next year.
ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.
The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.
“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.
“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.
“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.
“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.
“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”
Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.
Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!
“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”
MINA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that over 700 religious kooks were trampled to death and over 900 were injured yesterday in a stampede during the annual “stoning the Devil” ritual in the tent city of Mina, about two miles from Mecca.
Footage obtained by CNN Arabic shows a disturbing scene. Bodies piled upon bodies, a few moving, but most appearing lifeless. Workers in hard hats and reflective vests can be seen pulling dead bodies away to get to those who are still alive.
CNN Middle East correspondent John Small Berries told Wolf Blitzer this morning that the stampede was caused by cretinous religious pilgrims at the back of the line becoming impatient with the cretinous religious pilgrims at the front of the line.
“Apparently the idiots at the back thought that the idiots at the front were using up all the good rocks Wolf,” said Small Berries. “They just lost it and started crushing the folks up front in an effort to claim some choice rocks for themselves.”
The ridiculous ritual features crazy ass folks throwing pebbles at walls which is meant to simulate Abraham rejecting the temptation to spare his son Ishmael after the all-loving deity Jehovah instructed Abraham to murder him because the Good Lord was in a bad fucking mood that day.
The murder, which was called off at the last second, is for some weird reason considered something to celebrate by all three Abrahamic religions.
This is not the first time the “stoning of the Devil” concert has led to tragedy.
July 2, 1990 : A stampede inside a pedestrian tunnel (Al-Ma’aisim tunnel) leading out from Mecca towards Mina and the Plains of Arafat led to the deaths of 1,426 pilgrims, many of them of Malaysian, Indonesian and Pakistani origin.
May 23, 1994 : A stampede killed at least 270 pilgrims at the stoning of the Devil ritual.
April 9, 1998: at least 118 pilgrims were trampled to death and 180 injured in an incident on Jamarat Bridge.
March 5, 2001: 35 pilgrims were trampled to death in a stampede during the stoning of the Devil ritual.
February 11, 2003: The stoning of the Devil ritual claimed 14 pilgrims’ lives.
February 1, 2004: 251 pilgrims were killed and another 244 injured in a stampede during the stoning ritual in Mina.
January 12, 2006: A stampede during the stoning of the Devil on the last day of the Hajj in Mina killed at least 346 pilgrims and injured at least 289 more. The incident occurred shortly after 13:00 local time, when a busload of travellers arrived together at the eastern access ramps to the Jamarat Bridge. This caused pilgrims to trip, rapidly resulting in a lethal stampede. An estimated two million people were performing the ritual at the time.
Safety precautions put in place by the Saudi government have so far been unable to stop the carnage year after year.
“Wolf, no matter what the Saudis do this kind of stuff is just going to happen,” remarked Small Berries. “These people just love to throw rocks. They’ll throw rocks at just about anything from an Israeli tank to an adulterous woman to a passing automobile. I have no idea what causes it, but there must be something in their genetic makeup that makes these cretins fire machine guns in the air and throw rocks at things, even inanimate objects.”
Although an investigation into the completely senseless deaths has been ordered by Saudi King Salman, no one expects anything to be done to prevent future bloodbaths.
You just can’t teach an old religion new tricks.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.
Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.
“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.
No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.
“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”
For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.
IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.
“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.
“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”
Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.
Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.
Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.
It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.
However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.
“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!
‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”
DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.
The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.
“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.
“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”
Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.
Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”
“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”
Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.
“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”
PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.
In all, Australia is engaged in a shameful, degrading and illegitimate method of determining the fates of asylum seekers. It cannot hold its head high in regards to one intake of refugees while many others languish in prisons of the government’s making.
Australia remains the only country sending Security personnel to vet choices made by the UN on who are the most in need. Will there any transparency in this process or will it become another secretive operational matter?
The Australian government has just announced that it will take in 12,000 Syrian and Iraqi refugees, giving priority to Christians and Yazidis who they say are the most persecuted, but not everyone agrees.
Social services minister joins Eric Abetz in urging religious focus as Muslim and Christian leaders raise concerns that it would foster discrimination
WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.
Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”
The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.
“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.
“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”
Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”
Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.
“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”
God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.
“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”
God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.
“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.’”
“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”
God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.
Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.
Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.
“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”
However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”
She wrote on her blog:
“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”
As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:
“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”
His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.
“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.
“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.
“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”
Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.
His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.
However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.
According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.
Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”
According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.
“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.
“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”
After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.
“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”
Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.
Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.
There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.
“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.
“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”
“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.
During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.
“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.
“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”
PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.
The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.
According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.
Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.
“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.
“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”
The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.
“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”
In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.
Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.
“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News has learned that FEMA is complying with an executive order from the White House by constructing dozens of amphitheaters and enclosed arenas in remote areas of the United States.
According to Sean Hannity, an anonymous source within FEMA told him that the miniature coliseums are being built to house lions, tigers, bears, and other deadly creatures to be used to devour Christians.
“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to turn America into a gay, Marxist, totalitarian regime,” said Hannity on his show last night.”Obama has already completely destroyed our great country seven times since being elected. How long are we going to stand for this?
“It’s only a matter of time before gay socialists will fill these arenas laughing and taunting the pious as they’re torn apart by savage beasts,” railed Hannity as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.
Although his program was viewed by only a few dozen white retirees in nursing homes across the United States, news of the revelation quickly spread like a pack of diseased Mexican rapists from Hannity’s show to conservative talk radio twits all across America, driving Tea Partiers, Confederate flag supporters, and other dimwits into a state of abject panic.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied the rumor, saying that it was another case of “fear mongering” by folks who don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.
“At this time the president has no intentions of feeding Christians to the lions,” said Earnest at hastily-called press conference in the Rose Garden.
“We’ve currently got too much on our plate with Operation Jade Helm. We just don’t have enough troops to take over Texas, build internment camps under Walmarts, and construct a bunch of coliseums all at the same time. Maybe next year.”