Hamas new ‘Document of Principles’ ditches Islamism for frank positions on borders, international law, and human rights. But can the movement maintain unity as it inches closer to the ideas held by its rivals in the PLO? By Menachem Klein (translated by Philip Podolsky) Hamas’ recently-revised charter, titled “Document of General Principles and Policies” sees the group go down a path that could eventually result in its fracturing. Once it chose to depart from the simplistic and monolithic guidelines of the Islamic Charter, it had no choice but to acknowledge the ideological differences that drive the movement’s leadership apart (as do the inevitable power…
By Brian Morris Religious institutions will feel a pressing need to regain the initiative following damning revelations from the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse. With renewed calls for a parliamentary conscience vote on marriage equality — and foreshadowed legislation on voluntary euthanasia in three states — one may assume the churches will resume their…
PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.
“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”
“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read? I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.
“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”
“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”
After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.
The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.
Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.
“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.
PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – As part of an ongoing jihad on the people of Haiti, God has sent powerful Hurricane Matthew to drown as many innocent people as possible and set up favorable conditions for outbreaks of typhus, dysentery, and mosquito-borne illnesses such as malaria, West Nile virus, yellow fever, Venezuelan equine encephalitis, and of course Zika.
Jehovah surrogate Pat Robertson told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that the Almighty Creator of the Universe also hoped that there would be extensive damage to an already decimated infrastructure followed by a shortage of food and potable water which would precipitate sporadic outbreaks of violence leading to even more deaths.
“The Good Lord was just not satisfied with the 2010 earthquake,” said a drooling Robertson, who is thought to be about 112 years old. “Sure, he murdered around 175,000 men, women, and children, but as he said at the time, he was ‘just getting started.’”
Blitzer asked Robertson why God hated Haitians so much that he was willing to kill babies in their cribs and drain innocent people of their precious bodily fluids until they died horrible deaths while lying in their own filth.
“Well, Haitians are a bunch of voodoo-worshiping negroes,” responded Robertson, as his head lolled to the right. “God is not that fond of black folks to begin with, and when you throw in all that voodoo shit it really pisses him off.”
Robertson went on to explain that after Haiti was destroyed, the hurricane will proceed to Cuba, where it will kill a bunch of godless commies, and ultimately end up wreaking havoc in Vermont, because it’s the home of Bernie Sanders, who is a fucking socialist.
Robertson also said that Hurricane Matthew will be followed up by hurricanes Mark, Luke, and John which will meander all over the Caribbean wiping out a bunch of atheists, agnostics, and Presbyterians, because God always hated John Calvin and “that stupid predestination thing.”
According to Robertson after the hurricane season is over God plans on getting back to murdering more of those idol-worshiping Nepalese.
CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.
Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.
Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.
“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.
“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.
The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.
“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”
When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”
“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”
The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.
“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.
“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”
By Juan Cole | (Informed Comment) | – – Pew Research has released a report saying that “As a whole, …
By Juan Cole | (Informed Comment) | – – The Institute for Social Policy and Understanding (ISPU) published a new …
DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.
Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.
“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.
“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.
“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!
“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”
Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.
Here are some questions and answers about the religious split dividing Sunni Saudi Arabia and Shiite Iran:Q: What is the split about?A: The split emerged over
THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.
“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.
“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”
Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.
“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.
“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.
“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”
Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.
The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.
Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.
“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.
Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.
“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”
Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.
“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.
“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”
The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.
When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.
President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.
If you’re a rationalist like Hugh Harris, then you’re probably looking forward to the results of the National Census next year.
ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.
The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.
“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.
“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.
“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.
“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.
“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”
Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.
Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!
“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”
MINA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that over 700 religious kooks were trampled to death and over 900 were injured yesterday in a stampede during the annual “stoning the Devil” ritual in the tent city of Mina, about two miles from Mecca.
Footage obtained by CNN Arabic shows a disturbing scene. Bodies piled upon bodies, a few moving, but most appearing lifeless. Workers in hard hats and reflective vests can be seen pulling dead bodies away to get to those who are still alive.
CNN Middle East correspondent John Small Berries told Wolf Blitzer this morning that the stampede was caused by cretinous religious pilgrims at the back of the line becoming impatient with the cretinous religious pilgrims at the front of the line.
“Apparently the idiots at the back thought that the idiots at the front were using up all the good rocks Wolf,” said Small Berries. “They just lost it and started crushing the folks up front in an effort to claim some choice rocks for themselves.”
The ridiculous ritual features crazy ass folks throwing pebbles at walls which is meant to simulate Abraham rejecting the temptation to spare his son Ishmael after the all-loving deity Jehovah instructed Abraham to murder him because the Good Lord was in a bad fucking mood that day.
The murder, which was called off at the last second, is for some weird reason considered something to celebrate by all three Abrahamic religions.
This is not the first time the “stoning of the Devil” concert has led to tragedy.
July 2, 1990 : A stampede inside a pedestrian tunnel (Al-Ma’aisim tunnel) leading out from Mecca towards Mina and the Plains of Arafat led to the deaths of 1,426 pilgrims, many of them of Malaysian, Indonesian and Pakistani origin.
May 23, 1994 : A stampede killed at least 270 pilgrims at the stoning of the Devil ritual.
April 9, 1998: at least 118 pilgrims were trampled to death and 180 injured in an incident on Jamarat Bridge.
March 5, 2001: 35 pilgrims were trampled to death in a stampede during the stoning of the Devil ritual.
February 11, 2003: The stoning of the Devil ritual claimed 14 pilgrims’ lives.
February 1, 2004: 251 pilgrims were killed and another 244 injured in a stampede during the stoning ritual in Mina.
January 12, 2006: A stampede during the stoning of the Devil on the last day of the Hajj in Mina killed at least 346 pilgrims and injured at least 289 more. The incident occurred shortly after 13:00 local time, when a busload of travellers arrived together at the eastern access ramps to the Jamarat Bridge. This caused pilgrims to trip, rapidly resulting in a lethal stampede. An estimated two million people were performing the ritual at the time.
Safety precautions put in place by the Saudi government have so far been unable to stop the carnage year after year.
“Wolf, no matter what the Saudis do this kind of stuff is just going to happen,” remarked Small Berries. “These people just love to throw rocks. They’ll throw rocks at just about anything from an Israeli tank to an adulterous woman to a passing automobile. I have no idea what causes it, but there must be something in their genetic makeup that makes these cretins fire machine guns in the air and throw rocks at things, even inanimate objects.”
Although an investigation into the completely senseless deaths has been ordered by Saudi King Salman, no one expects anything to be done to prevent future bloodbaths.
You just can’t teach an old religion new tricks.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.
Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.
“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.
No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.
“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”
For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.
IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.
“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.
“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”
Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.
Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.
Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.
It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.
However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.
“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!
‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”
DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.
The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.
“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.
“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”
Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.
Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”
“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”
Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.
“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”
PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.
In all, Australia is engaged in a shameful, degrading and illegitimate method of determining the fates of asylum seekers. It cannot hold its head high in regards to one intake of refugees while many others languish in prisons of the government’s making.
Australia remains the only country sending Security personnel to vet choices made by the UN on who are the most in need. Will there any transparency in this process or will it become another secretive operational matter?
The Australian government has just announced that it will take in 12,000 Syrian and Iraqi refugees, giving priority to Christians and Yazidis who they say are the most persecuted, but not everyone agrees.
Social services minister joins Eric Abetz in urging religious focus as Muslim and Christian leaders raise concerns that it would foster discrimination
WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.
Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”
The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.
“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.
“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”
Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”
Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.
“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”
God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.
“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”
God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.
“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.’”
“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”
God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.
Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.
Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.
“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”
However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”
She wrote on her blog:
“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”
As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:
“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”
His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.
“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.
“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.
“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”
Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.
His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.
However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.
According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.
Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”
According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.
“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.
“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”
After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.
“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”
Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.
Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.
There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.
“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.
“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”
“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.
During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.
“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.
“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”
PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.
The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.
According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.
Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.
“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.
“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”
The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.
“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”
In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.
Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.
“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News has learned that FEMA is complying with an executive order from the White House by constructing dozens of amphitheaters and enclosed arenas in remote areas of the United States.
According to Sean Hannity, an anonymous source within FEMA told him that the miniature coliseums are being built to house lions, tigers, bears, and other deadly creatures to be used to devour Christians.
“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to turn America into a gay, Marxist, totalitarian regime,” said Hannity on his show last night.”Obama has already completely destroyed our great country seven times since being elected. How long are we going to stand for this?
“It’s only a matter of time before gay socialists will fill these arenas laughing and taunting the pious as they’re torn apart by savage beasts,” railed Hannity as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.
Although his program was viewed by only a few dozen white retirees in nursing homes across the United States, news of the revelation quickly spread like a pack of diseased Mexican rapists from Hannity’s show to conservative talk radio twits all across America, driving Tea Partiers, Confederate flag supporters, and other dimwits into a state of abject panic.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied the rumor, saying that it was another case of “fear mongering” by folks who don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.
“At this time the president has no intentions of feeding Christians to the lions,” said Earnest at hastily-called press conference in the Rose Garden.
“We’ve currently got too much on our plate with Operation Jade Helm. We just don’t have enough troops to take over Texas, build internment camps under Walmarts, and construct a bunch of coliseums all at the same time. Maybe next year.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The United States was destroyed once again last week, marking the 9th time the country has been completely obliterated since Obama was first elected president.
Our once proud nation now stands in ruins after two supreme court rulings, one guaranteeing health care to the poor, and another assuring marriage equality for all our citizens. The rulings have had the effect predicted by so many religious kooks across country; cities are burning, livestock are running off cliffs, there has been a complete breakdown of social order with riots in every major American city, and dogs and cats are sleeping together.
The anti-Christ socialist Muslim dictator masquerading as president hailed the two decisions as “another step toward the complete destruction of mankind” that he has sought since first being elected in 2008.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told the White House press corps this morning that the decisions and the resulting chaos is giving the administration the opportunity to round-up troublesome minority groups so they can be “dealt with” at some future date.
“The president has ordered the military to detain anyone self-identifying as a Christian,” said Earnest. “Over the next week or so these people will be escorted to the secret internment camps we’ve been building under every Walmart Supercenter across the United States. They will be given the choice of attending re-education facilities in the desert or they can choose to be resettled in the homes of a new generation of liberal socialist gay couples and spend the rest of their lives as powerless house servants.”
“We’ve asked the NSA to gather information about anyone who has ever attended church so we can assess what we need to do about the huge mass of people who formerly called themselves Christians but now suddenly don’t have the courage of their convictions.”
Reaction to the announcements has come quickly as tens of thousands of Americans are pouring across the Mexican border seeking the protection of the Mexican government and the Catholic Church.
Mike Huckabee, former minister, former presidential candidate, and current wingnut was asked to comment as he boarded a flight in Little Rock bound for South America.
“Just as I predicted, America is over,” said a nervous Huckabee, as he glanced around the terminal in fear.
“Christians are just not used to seeing this level of compassion and empathy in their government. We’ve lived in fear of this day for decades. Everyone knows the government is not supposed to follow the teachings of the New Testament! Our only hope is that this is the beginning of the End Times when Jesus comes back and slaughters all the non-believers and leaves the entire earth a smoking ruins. Now I have to haul ass. God bless and good luck.”
MOSUL – (CT&P) – Miss Muslima 2014, Fatma Ben Guefrache of Tunisia, was turned into a red mist over the weekend while modeling the latest styles of suicide vests for ISIS jihadis on leave in Mosul.
The model, housewife, and some time sex slave was in Mosul as part of the Annual Suicide and Car Bomb Expo sponsored by the Mosul Chamber of Commerce at the behest of the Islamic State.
A spokesman for the chamber of commerce told Al Jajeera that everyone regretted the unfortunate “wardrobe malfunction” that resulted in over 27 deaths, including that of the model.
“We’re really sorry this happened,” said Omar Abdullah Assad Skyhook.
“We had hoped to use Miss Guefrache’s good looks to infiltrate a United Nations meeting in New York or the NATO headquarters building in Brussels. This was a waste of good material, and we lost some very promising young recruits in the bargain.
“Everyone knows we don’t value human life, least of all women, but I can assure you that the wardrobe manager will be severely reprimanded for putting live explosives in the vest.”
A memorial service for Guefrache is scheduled for Wednesday at Our Lady of the Headless Infidel Mosque in Tikrit. The few remaining parts of Miss Guefrache will be washed and buried on Thursday somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. Religious Right has been hospitalized in the nation’s capital today after a week-long assault by liberal thugs on the side of hope, compassion, and equal treatment under the law. Physicians say his condition is stable and are confident that he will pull through.
“Mr. Right is a resilient soul who has had to make adjustments in the past when it became apparent that his Neanderthal views on women’s suffrage, civil rights, and interracial marriage were about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of George Washington Hospital, who is caring for the stricken Right.
“So we think that Mr. Right will eventually come around and join the majority of people in the country who are actually fine and decent human beings.”
The attacks on Right came hot and heavy throughout the week, with the removal of his beloved Confederate battle flag from state capitals and two supreme court decisions regarding health care for the less fortunate and marriage equality for all citizens being shoved into the yawning chasm of his mouth and down into his esophagus.
Dr. Lizardo told reporters that he was unsure how long Mr. Right was deprived of oxygen, but he felt that there was little damage done to Right’s brain.
“His brain is actually more similar to that of a reptile than a human being,” said Lizardo, “and we all know that many reptiles can go a long time without fresh air. So, I think he’ll be OK in the long run and go on to lead a somewhat normal life, albeit in the shadows of a more progressive and enlightened society.”
Mrs. Religious Right has been at Mr. Right’s bedside since he was admitted to the hospital, but she has declined to speak with reporters because she knows she was put on earth to be a helpmate to her husband and keep her mouth shut, which is why she was unaffected by the tsunami of good news this week.
THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.
Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.
“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”
When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.
“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”
When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”
Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.
“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”
CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – Ku Klux Klan officials held a press conference this morning to express their disappointment with the low numbers of young people signing up to join the organization during their latest recruiting drive, currently going on across the Bible Belt and for some weird reason in California as well.
The presser took place inside an abandoned Duke Energy toxic coal ash dumping site along a formerly pristine river in Pelham, North Carolina. Apparently it was the only location in which the officials felt safe enough to talk to the media.
“We just don’t understand the anemic response,” said Billy Joe Polyp, Grand Imperial Anus of the South Carolina Chapter. “We took great pains to put gluten-free candy in with all our flyers we distributed under the cover of darkness over the last few nights. We thought for sure that the candy would overcome young people’s nausea and disgust with what we actually had to say in our propaganda. It’s a real mystery.”
The propaganda, stuffed into plastic baggies with pieces of peppermint and Tootsie Rolls and hurled onto people’s lawns during the early morning hours, included a phone number for the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. The fliers were distributed in California, Kansas, Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.
It’s not something local police departments are taking lightly, and some have even reached out to the FBI for assistance. The Rockdale County sheriff’s department in Conyers, Georgia collected more than 80 fliers and is investigating whether anyone can be charged with criminal trespass or littering.
“Whether it was a joke or from an organization doesn’t matter to me,” Sheriff Eric Levett told The Daily Beast. “The fact that it was done during this time is ignorant and cowardly. We take this seriously and I’ve even ordered that we curtail some of our dog-killing patrols in order to work on this problem.”
A message on the hate-spewing hotline, based in North Carolina, salutes 21-year-old Dylann Roof, who was charged with murder for the killing nine people in Charleston. Roof penned a incoherent racist manifesto before the June 17 mass shooting and wanted to start a “race war.”
“We in the Loyal White Knights of the KKK would like to say hail victory to … Dylan S. Roof who decided to do what the Bible told him,” a man chirps in the recording. “Jesus is on our side! Why, he even wore a sheet! An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. They [black people] have spilled our blood too long. It’s about time someone spilled theirs.”
“If it ain’t white, it ain’t right,” the message concludes. “White power!”
Robert “Asswipe” Jones, of the Royal White Numbnuts in North Carolina, told The Daily Beast that the Klan is undergoing a national recruitment drive that coincidentally started around the time of the South Carolina murders.
“We’re doing this from the East Coast to the West Coast, just to let people know that the Klan, like a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away, is still in their community,” said Jones, the grand dickhead of the hate group based in Pelham, N.C. “Especially with all the stuff that’s in the news—in South Carolina they’re wanting to take the confederate flag down.”
Jones told The Daily Beast that he supports Roof’s crime, but preferred that he “shot the correct people,” such as minority drug dealers rather than churchgoers.
“It’s a racial war against our people,” Jones said. “The more the media pushes modern and progressive ideas down our throat, the more you’re going to see killings like this.”
Although the KKK leaders remain disappointed with the results of the recruiting drive up to now, they plan to redouble their efforts in the weeks to come.
“We don’t give up our archaic, savage, and inhuman beliefs very easily,” said Jones, as he removed a tick from his scrotum. “We think that maybe our target demographic is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics at this time to spend time with us burning down black churches and intimidating people who didn’t just walk out of the Middle Ages. But we ain’t gonna let that discourage us. The South will rise again and so will the Klan, just like a painful pus-filled boil on the ass of America!”
CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.
It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.
This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.
Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.
It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.
As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.
Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”
“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”
Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.
“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.
“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”
Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.
“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”
Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.
PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Creationist huckster and miscreant Ken Ham went off the rails again last week when he attacked the oversexed and apparently perpetually horny Miley Cyrus in a rambling, nearly incoherent essay on his blog, which is read by at least two or three dozen fellow fruitcakes.
Ham, an ignorant twit who would have been much more comfortable living in the Middle Ages, used Bible verses and sixth grade debate tactics in an attempt to criticize Cyrus’ sexual preferences and refusal to believe fairy tales from an ancient text written by people who thought thunderstorms were a form of punishment from God.
The unbalanced charlatan, who actually believes the earth is around 6,000 years old, seemed particularly interested in Cyrus’ lack of desire to have sex with animals or participate in pedophilia.
“Why not involve an animal?” Ham told the Reverend Billy Buttocks during an interview on the Jesus Channel. “On what basis does she decide that? Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals?”
Then Ham made a startling confession.
“We are all born with a strong desire to fuck animals,” said Ham. “It’s the way God made us. Every person on earth wants to have sex with furry four-legged creatures, and the only thing that holds us back are the rules set forth in the our Holy Book. I know I have to read my Bible every morning to remind myself how important it is not to go outside my office and copulate with one of the ungulates that we keep here at the Creation Museum Petting Zoo.”
“Sometimes I wake up all sweaty and aroused after dreaming of taking Snowball or Squealer out behind the maintenance shed and fucking their brains out,” said Ham, as his eyes rolled back in his head.
The revelation that Ham is sexually attracted to a variety of species of which he is not a member was shocking enough, but he then went on to admit that he was a secret pedophile.
“Why have sex with only those over the age of 18? On what basis does Cyrus decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Well I’ll tell you why! It’s because of the rules and regulations set forth in this dusty book written before mankind knew what the fuck electricity was! It’s the only thing that keeps us in line, I tell you. Without the Bible, we would just be savages running around fucking everything from Coke bottles to tapirs!”
Although most Americans were shocked by Ham’s confessions, Fox News numbskull Sean Hannity was quick to come to his defense, citing Kentucky’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which encourages all sorts of abominations as long as they are done in the name of God.
However, coworkers and close friends of Ham were not surprised by his statements.
“Why the hell do you think we keep such a close eye on kids when they tour this place?” said an aide to Ham.
The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the last employee to speak publicly about Ham’s psychological problems was crucified on the $3 million “Calvary Kiddie Ride.”
“Ken has always been one weird son of a bitch,” said the aide. “He is constantly staring longingly at the pens holding our sheep and cows, but his favorites are those young attractive goats. He says their eyes are the gateway to Heaven, or some such bullshit.
“You have to remember that Ken was deported from Australia because authorities there perceived him as threat to wildlife, children, and critical thought,” continued the aide. “He tried to move to western Europe, but as it turns out the only country that would have him was the United States. He’s really found a home with these suckers in the Bible Belt, let me tell you.”
Although authorities in Boone County where Ham’s God-O-Rama theme park is located have heard weird stories coming from behind the walls of the “Koresh Compound” as they call it, no charges have been filed against Ham or his employees up to this point.
“We look the other way when it comes to animals,” said Sheriff Billy Bob McSneed, “after all, that’s part of growin’ up around here, but we damn sure draw the line when it comes to little kids. I can’t arrest the kook for thinking about buggering those children, but if he lays a hand on them, he’s gonna see some Kentucky straight justice in a hurry. Prayin’ won’t do a damn bit a good.”
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”
Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.
Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.
“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”
Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.
“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!
“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”
So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.
“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.
“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.
Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.
“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.
“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”
LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – TLC has announced in a press release this morning that they are sponsoring a new website, DuggarMingle.com. The dating site will be up and running sometime this summer and is designed to help Duggar singles find other Duggars for friendship, romance, pedophilia, or Bible study.
“We thought a dating site would help Duggars find other family members who had the same interests in incest, pedophilia, and weird Bible verses so they could get together and ‘be fruitful and multiply,’” said Ezekiel Koresh, TLC’s Vice President of Depraved Christian Cults.
“It should also help to keep some of these perverted liaisons below the radar so we can continue to rake in the cash from this group of freaks. The last thing we need now is another scandal,” said Koresh.
Jim Bob Billy Joe “Randy” Duggar, family patriarch and misguided religious freak, told TLC that he thought the website was a “great idea.”
“When your moral code is based on a text that was written before man knew any better than to keep feces out of his water supply, you’re going to have some reprobates and deviants crop up in the dozens of spawn you produce,” said Duggar. “It’s inevitable. I just hope we can keep the genetic mutations and incidence of congenital disorders down to a manageable level.”
TLC hopes that the site will be up and running before the popular Fourth of July Pro Life Family Coitus Festival held each year in Wandering Schlong, Arkansas. Former governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will be the keynote speaker at the event.
LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Embattled former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has made an offer on Michael Jackson’s old Neverland Ranch property, according to the L. A. Times.
Hastert, who served alongside Bob Livingston, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, and a whole host of other Republican criminals while in office, has been charged with lying to the F.B.I. and making cash withdrawals from banks in a way that was designed to hide that he was paying $3.5 million to someone for his “misconduct” from years ago, a federal indictment released on Thursday said.
Mr. Hastert, 73, the longest-serving Republican speaker, had worked as a lobbyist since leaving office. The indictment, announced by the United States attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, said Mr. Hastert, who was once a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Ill., had so far paid $1.7 million to the person, who had lived in Yorkville and had known Mr. Hastert for most of his or her life. Mr. Hastert worked in Yorkville from 1965 to 1981.
The person, who is referred to as “Johnny Cutesack” in court documents, has reportedly told prosecutors that Hastert repeatedly grabbed and compressed his scrotum while supposedly teaching him wrestling moves.
Cutesack told prosecutors that he finally had to “come clean” because he felt he had wrung “just about all the cash he could” out of the conservative Christian former politician.
Despite Hastert’s legal problems, he hired a real estate agent to approach the current owners of Jackson’s former home in Santa Barbara County in order to make an offer on the property.
“Once all this blows over I want to give something back to society,” said Hastert. “I entered politics with a net worth of a mere $250,000, yet I managed to make millions while Speaker of the House and as a lobbyist. I’ll never have to set foot in an office again. I want to put all my ill-gotten gains to good use by setting up a wrestling camp for attractive young boys. Praise the Lord!”
Prosecutors do not share Hastert’s optimism however.
Kimberly Nerheim, spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office, told reporters in Chicago that “By the time we get finished with this hypocrite he’s going to feel like he’s had a red hot poker shoved up his ass.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX – (CT&P) – The wave of suicide attacks that has plagued the United States for weeks continues unabated as scores of pundits, right-wing politicians, and wacked-out ministers continue to strap on bigoted archaic arguments and run screaming toward the forces of societal progress and enlightenment.
The latest idiot to attack common human decency in favor of religious psychosis was the thoroughly unbalanced and hate mongering dimwit Bryan Fischer of American Family Association fame.
“The flooding in Texas is clearly God’s vengeance wreaked upon the sodomites of the southwest in the form of H2O!” said Fischer, as he foamed at the mouth on his daily decent into madness and hate known as Focal Point.
“The geographical connection between the flooding, the practice of the occult and witchcraft, and the embrace of homosexuality is absolutely undeniable. The relationship between homosexual activity and natural disasters has been well documented and should be obvious to any reasonable person who believes a virgin gave birth to the Son of God who later in life morphed into a death-defying zombie.”
A mentally disturbed caller named Rebecca from Anal Seepage, Texas agreed with Fischer, saying “If God is judging Texas, it’s because of the witchcraft and sodomy that we’ve allowed to run rampant! I say we kill all the fags and all the liberals and all the atheists while we’re at it!”
Fischer used the caller’s comments as an excuse to go on a fifteen minute incoherent rant about atheists and how there should be a national registry for them like there is for sex offenders. He closed the show by saying:
“We can’t afford to let people capable of critical thought run free throughout our society! Real Christians should take up arms and kill the blasphemers and sodomites! That’s one thing them Mooslims have got right!”
ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.
At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.
“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”
“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.
FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.
“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.
“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”
Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.
CABOT, PENNSYLVANIA – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that former Pennsylvania senator and current religious kook Rick Santorum has escaped from the facility in which he was being held and has announced that he is running for president again.
The 57-year-old Santorum apparently borrowed enough cash to rent a condemned building near his hometown of Cabot and, flanked by out of work steelworkers and six of his seventeen children announced that he would be the “next President of the United States.”
“With the help of God and all those citizens who want to turn this great nation of ours into a Christian theocracy governed by our own special version of Sharia law, we will succeed,” Santorum told the adoring crowd of over three dozen supporters.
Santorum, who was placed in a mental health facility in rural Pennsylvania after comparing Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid to the Republican effort to keep health care from the poor, and supporting legislation to declare secularism a religion so it could not be taught in schools, is generally given a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning the GOP nomination.
Pulitzer Prize winning right-wing pundit and celebrated atheist George Will told Fox News that Santorum should change his name to “Rick Sanatorium” because it would “more accurately reflect his fucked up political and religious views.”
“The dude is crazier than a shithouse rat,” said Will.
Santorum announced that he will begin a sweep through rural areas of the Appalachian mountain chain next week to seek out people who are as nutty as he is so he can build a solid base of volunteers for his upcoming campaign.
MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.
The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.
“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”
Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.
“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”
Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.
At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”
The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.
“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”
The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.
The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.
“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”
The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.
“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.
The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.
“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”
The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.
“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.
“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”
Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.
SEOUL – (CT&P) – Secretary of State John Kerry say he’s confident that the cave dwelling fanatics that have been slaughtering each other for centuries over a religious dispute will stop killing each other long before the end of time.
Kerry, who is traveling through South Korea, says that he’s always said the fight between different sects of the “religion of peace” would be a long one, but would eventually burn itself out just like the Hundred Year’s War between Catholics and Protestants did in Europe.
He said that Ramadi was a “target of opportunity” for the savages from the Islamic State but he’s confident that the savages that we currently support will get the upper hand in coming days, which in turn will lead to another round of murder and mayhem, thus reducing the numbers of fighters on both sides.
Ramadi fell to ISIS on Sunday, as Iraqi forces that we spent billions to train and equip ran like frightened schoolchildren in the face of a few black and white flags mounted on top of pickup trucks. The brave Iraqi troops abandoned their weapons and armored vehicles to flee the provincial capital in a major loss despite intensified U.S.-led airstrikes.
“I’m confident that once all of these idiots on both sides are dead the fighting will stop,” said Kerry.
When asked by a reporter why the fuck we continue to get involved in this ridiculous bloodletting over imaginary friends in the sky, an exasperated Kerry replied, “Because of the oil, you dumb shit!”
“Look, everyone knows these 7th century cretins are going to continue to murder each other until the camels come home, but we hope we can immolate enough of them with air strikes and artillery barrages to secure the oil supply for at least another few decades. After that, we really don’t give a fuck.”
Kerry closed the impromptu presser by saying that we were not at war with Islam and had great respect for its long history of showing tolerance and love for members of different religions just before killing them.
“We hope that in the future other countries can be more like America where we tolerate people with a wide variety of fucked up religious beliefs and usually stop short of burning them alive no matter how wacked-out and batshit crazy they may be,” said Kerry.