Category: Humour

Why Alan Jones Deserves Another Chance… Or Two! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

And when he said that Julia Gillard should be put in a chaff bag and thrown into the sea, he didn’t mean a literal chaff bag, any bag would have done. Of course, this did mean some ambiguity about the word “sacked”, when he suggested that Opera House chief, Louise Herron, should be sacked for refusing to acquiesce to his demands over a horse race.

And when one of Turnbull’s lawyers contacted him, the old rascal realised that calling Malcolm “a traitor to the nation” may have been open to misinterpretation.

Then, of course, was his comments last year when the leadership of Turnbull was under threat: “The n—– in the woodpile here, if one can use that expression – and I’m not going to yield to people who tell us that certain words in the language are forbidden – the person who’s playing hard to get is Mathias Cormann.”

Yes, Alan Jones deserves a second chance. We all make mistakes and say things that we don’t mean in the heat of the moment… It’s just that most of us don’t do it on radio because we don’t have our own sock jock show. Whoops, I meant shock jock.

via Why Alan Jones Deserves Another Chance… Or Two! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

“Pacific Nations Should Worry About Economic Growth Rather Than Fixating On Side Issues Like Being Totally Submerged Under The Ocean”: Morrison – The Shovel

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via “Pacific Nations Should Worry About Economic Growth Rather Than Fixating On Side Issues Like Being Totally Submerged Under The Ocean”: Morrison – The Shovel

Jones Says He Was Misinterpreted. “I Meant To Say I Am Threatened By Powerful Women And I’m Terrified That They May Be Smarter Than Me” – The Shovel

 

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via Jones Says He Was Misinterpreted. “I Meant To Say I Am Threatened By Powerful Women And I’m Terrified That They May Be Smarter Than Me” – The Shovel

Nigel Farrage Or What’s A Conservative Anyway? – » The Australian Independent Media Network

P.S. On Sunday night, the ABC ran David Attenborough’s “Climate Change; The Facts”. I understand, that there has been some backlash because they didn’t balance this by presenting non-facts. Malcolm Roberts is said to be ropable and is planning to write to the ABC management just as soons as he learns his other lettters.

via Nigel Farrage Or What’s A Conservative Anyway? – » The Australian Independent Media Network

“How Could We Have Known At The Time That Relentlessly Booing An Aboriginal Man Because He Spoke Up On Indigenous Issues Was Racist?” – The Shovel

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“How Could We Have Known At The Time That Relentlessly Booing An Aboriginal Man Because He Spoke Up On Indigenous Issues Was Racist?” – The Shovel

Spud PM? – » The Australian Independent Media Network

The thought of Spud as PM is nauseating but his unhinged, delusional ambition will contribute to the demise of the most appalling government this country has ever experienced. Go Spud – give it another shot!

via Spud PM? – » The Australian Independent Media Network

I Didn’t Realise That George Calombaris Was A Union! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Now that it seems that Labor has decided that their best strategy is camouflage – agree to everything and hope that Queenslanders mistake them for the Liberal Party – I’ve been trying to work out how it’s all going to play out in the coming years.

Personally, I found it strange to see these in the same week that Masterchef George had “mistakenly” underpaid his workers $7.8 million dollars…

Now, I probably shouldn’t put the “mistakenly” in inverted commas. That implies that I didn’t really think it was a mistake. I mean, mistakes are easy to make. I’m sure George would understand if I went into one of his restaurants and mistakenly ran up a bill of $500 when I only meant to spend the fifty I had, and he could take it or leave it because who could afford that sort of money for a meal so I just presumed that the prices were wrong…

via I Didn’t Realise That George Calombaris Was A Union! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals

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Expressing concerns that the President’s constant attacks on racial minorities could end up hampering the progress that has been made, white supremacist leaders warned Donald Trump Friday that some compromise will be necessary to achieve their goals. “We appreciate that President Trump is an idealist who wants real change in this country, but if he wants to see a white ethno-state he needs to stop taking such extreme positions and build a coalition,” said Stormfront spokesperson Marshall Riley, who claimed Trump’s fiery rhetoric and refusal to find common ground threatens to alienate the moderates who white supremacists rely on to advance their agenda.

via White Supremacists Warn Idealistic Trump Some Compromise Will Be Necessary To Achieve Their Goals

“How Good Is PR?” – » The Australian Independent Media Network

“Hi there, this is your head of Public Relations, Scott Morrison with a very important massage:

“In 2017 over 3000 Australians died by their own hand. It’s affecting our young people, it’s affecting our veterans, it’s affecting boys and girls in remote indigenous communities. It’s affecting middle-aged men 45-50 living in suburbs, the highest rate of suicide in the country. Now just this week acting on OUR initiative to make a towards zero goal a national priority, I appointed Christine Morgan as the national suicide prevention officer and that should be enough so we don’t have to worry about doing things like raising Newstart because HOW GOOD ARE JOBS? We certainly don’t have to worry about Robodebt because people should pay back money which they can’t prove they don’t owe and certainly nobody can prove that they topped themselves because of the debt.

“As for those on Manus and Nauru, we don’t have to worry because our towards zero only includes Australians, so they won’t go into the statistics…”

“How Good Is PR?” – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Trump On Epstein: “I Only Associate With The Very Best Sex Offenders” – The Shovel

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Research has shown the phrase most heard when defending rape in the military is “boy will be boys”. Aggression is built up in the military in order to have judgements made by

soldiers without regard to the consequences. It helps explain Trump his defence of pussy grabbing and molestation as only “banter” (boys will be boys), doing what ever

he wanted to women. He was trained in military school. It also explains why his records have been buried away as if they were state secrets. (ODT)

via Trump On Epstein: “I Only Associate With The Very Best Sex Offenders” – The Shovel

Tim Wilson Can Go To Hell! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

This has to do with Timmy Wilson using his recent swearing in to express his religious views to the world. In case you aren’t aware, the book he held in his hand was “Capitalism And Freedom” by Milton Friedman. Now some held a religious tome; others chose to simply swear an oath. As far as I’m aware Wilson was the only one to raise Friedman’s ideas to the level of the Bible, the Torah or the Koran. Apparently Wilson is suggesting that Friedman is some sort of latter day messiah. Why else hold the book in your hand while being sworn in?

via Tim Wilson Can Go To Hell! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Hey, Scotty, the cracks are showing! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

The LNP’s Ministry Of Propaganda trading as Newscorpse and a globular, yellow Trump doppelganger from Queensland are apparently two of the tools that a loving, omnipotent deity used to deliver his “miracle” of a return of Scotty The Favoured Morrison to the big, green, Prime Ministerial swivel chair.

What is becoming quite apparent with Brother Scott is that his claims to the miraculous are not him simply taking gliberties© with the language; he is not speaking metaphorically. He goes beyond the simple narcissism and hyperbole of a vacuous politician; he fully believes that his all-powerful, invisible pal in the sky favours him above all others to be Prime Minister.

ScoBro signed up for the full package – creationism, Beelzebub, the second coming and an imminent Armageddon plus, for an additional fee, his upgrade to Prosperity Jesus, the post-hippy, entrepeneurial saviour who bestows earthly rewards upon his shareholders. Morrison thinks he’s there via divine endorsement.

via Hey, Scotty, the cracks are showing! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Loving Scott Morrison… And Praying For Him, Too! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

When Scott Morrison told us that we needed more love, I must admit that I was a little cynical. Was this the same Scott Morrison that locked up asylum seekers, wanted those under thirty to wait six months for the dole, opposed marriage equality, restricted the notion of a “fair go” to those “having a go”, promised to repeal the Medevac legislation, and relentlessly attacked Bill Shorten and the Labor Party? Surely not! It must be some other Scott Morrison. Was our PM going soft? What next? Will he be out hugging some distraught voter Jacinda Adern style? Apart from his attachment to a lump of coal and his affectionate hug of Malcolm just before he screwed him, I’ve never seen anything resembling love from the man.

Ok, ok, love is a very private thing… Unless you’re Barnaby Joyce who’s prepared to talk about it publicly providing you can pay $150,000 for an interview.

Anyway, Mr Morrison seemed to have relinquished the idea that politicians can achieve anything when he told the congregation at Hillsong: “Our nation needs more prayer, more worship. That’s how things are overcome.”

via Loving Scott Morrison… And Praying For Him, Too! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Why I’m Never Voting Labor Again… Or For The Greens… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

What is the difference between USA, AUS,UK and NZ and Canada? Rupert Murdoch Hundreds of millions invested to make Billions. Roger Ailes Movie: ‘Divide and Conquer’ Review – Rolling Stone https://www.rollingstone.com/movies/movie-reviews/roger-ailes-documentary-divide-conquer-fox-news-762855/ (ODT)

 

Liberal Party Headquarters, May 20th

Strategy Meeting. Barry and Harry, two strategists are meeting after the re-election of the Coalition Government.

via Why I’m Never Voting Labor Again… Or For The Greens… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Trump’s Big, Wet Fourth of July Picnic | The Smirking Chimp

On March 12, 1938, the vaunted German army was to make its triumphant entry into Austria—the infamous Anschluss by which a compliant Austrian government surrendered to the Nazis without a shot.

A grand parade of the Third Reich’s might was scheduled for the Austrian capital Vienna but the army’s tanks were not as invincible as the generals bragged. They quickly broke down, clogging the roads, stalling the advance, and infuriating Adolph Hitler. And so, French author and filmmaker Eric Vuillard writes in his eloquent essay, The Order of the Day, “the German troops loaded as many tanks as they could onto railroad cars… the trains hauled away the armor the way you’d transport circus equipment.” The tanks arrived in Vienna and the parade went on as planned.

via Trump’s Big, Wet Fourth of July Picnic | The Smirking Chimp

Scott Morrison Begins New Parliament By Acknowledging Traditional Owners: “We Pay Our Respects To Coal Lobbyists Past, Present And Emerging” – The Shovel

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via Scott Morrison Begins New Parliament By Acknowledging Traditional Owners: “We Pay Our Respects To Coal Lobbyists Past, Present And Emerging” – The Shovel

Jesus Demands $10 Billiion For Wrongful Crucifixion – Personally, I Blame His Dad For Not Marrying His Mum! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

And isn’t a compassionate god more likely to be on my side than Folau’s when I say that Peter Dutton and Scott Morrison are going to Hell for their treatment of the people on Manus and Nauru? I say this without even arguing for a moment that these people – including the children that Peter “Before the cock crows will deny that his constitutionally eligibility three times” Dutton insists aren’t in detention – have the right to seek asylum and are not people arriving in this country illegally… Ok, I know you may spend several minutes unpacking that sentence… Like I said, we’re all in Hell now.

via Jesus Demands $10 Billiion For Wrongful Crucifixion – Personally, I Blame His Dad For Not Marrying His Mum! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Dick Tater and the climate emergency – » The Australian Independent Media Network

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spud will be given licence as the panicked poltroons on the right ram through draconian legislation to protect their self interests, further curbing our right to know and to express an opinion. His focus will turn inwards, away from flotillas of climate refugees as he excises more and more of our freedoms. What’s left in our dams will fuel his water cannons, he’ll seek military deployment against civilians and he’ll decorate the halls of Parliament and the street lampposts with his image.

Stock up on canned goods and ammo.

Too hyperbolic? Too dystopian? You haven’t been paying attention. When you see Spud in a uniform it will be too late.

via Dick Tater and the climate emergency – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Howard Stern, Donald Trump, and the Rise of American Fascism | The Smirking Chimp

In 2005, Trump told Stern he wanted to have kids with Melania (this was just before his affair with Stormy Daniels). “‘Cause I like kids,” said Trump. “I mean, I won’t do anything to take care of them,” he bragged. “I’ll supply funds and she’ll take care of the kids. It’s not like I’m gonna be walking the kids down Central Park.”

Prince of a fellow there, but probably not likely to be named Father of the Year, unless Lindsey Graham needs to engage in a little more personal self-abasement, or Mike Pence gets to feeling he hasn’t sucked up enough to the boss lately.

Now, however, Stern, with a book coming out, says he’s “evolved,” and that he’d “feel really shitty” if he hadn’t. Don’t look for him to turn over any of that $650 million to charities or to help the kids at the border, or make good on the harm he did by ridiculing dwarves and drunks, however, or by insulting women, or just being the Crown Prince of American Jerks, the Avatar of American Assholery.

And, unless you’re an asshole yourself, don’t buy his fuckin’ book. Send what you’d spend on that trash to provide relief for the immigrant children at the border, maybe. Or just throw the dough in the gutter.

via Howard Stern, Donald Trump, and the Rise of American Fascism | The Smirking Chimp

Going for gold in the Bastard Olympics – » The Australian Independent Media Network

There’s plenty of international competition for the top of the medal count for outstanding achievement in bastardry so how does our own contingent of awfulness stack up against the might of Team USA led by a ludicrous, tangerine blowhard and Team UK who’s grooming a dishevelled, bloated smurf as their Chef de Mission?

Going for gold in the Bastard Olympics – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Drilling The Great Barrier Reef For Oil… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Image result for Images Rossleigh

Ross Leigh and Andrew Bolt are one and the same have you ever seen them in a room together? (ODT)

One of my pet hates is people who respond to the headline and don’t actually read what I’ve written. Yes, yes, I know that one can argue that headlines should actually reflect what one is writing but I have three problems with this:

Often the headline isn’t chosen by the person writing.
I’ve found that people tend to read headlines that they disagree with more often than ones they agree with. For example, “Why Tony Abbott Was Australia’s Greatest PM” will get more views than “Why Tony Abbott Overachieved Given He Became PM With A Total Lack Of Charm Or Intelligence!”
I’m often writing satire.

So, just to annoy people who don’t read beyond the title, I’ve decided to call this one “Drilling The Great Barrier Reef For Oil”.

As far as I know, there is neither oil anywhere near the Great Barrier Reef nor any proposal to look for any potential drill sites…

via Drilling The Great Barrier Reef For Oil… – » The Australian Independent Media Network