Category: Humour

Man Lines Up For 11 Hours For Chance To Vote In Greatest Democracy On Earth | The Shovel

She said other countries paled by comparison. “In other countries they only get to spend five or ten minutes voting – they’re not engaged in the process at all”.

Man Lines Up For 11 Hours For Chance To Vote In Greatest Democracy On Earth | The Shovel

Forget Kevin Rudd’s Petition, I Have A Much Better Idea… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

To anyone who looks for consistency, political commentary can be confusing. You know the sort of thing, Brett Sutton is meant to be in trouble because he claims that he didn’t remember something in one of the thousands of emails he received, but Gladys is ok because she can’t be expected to remember that her boyfriend had to stand down because he was dodgy.

Forget Kevin Rudd’s Petition, I Have A Much Better Idea… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Sydney To Open Lockdown-Themed Amusement Park For New Zealanders Who Want The Full Melbourne Experience | The Shovel

Saying they were concerned about the high number of Kiwis entering Sydney but then immediately departing for Melbourne, Tourism NSW announced today that it will build a Melbourne-style lockdown amusement park, in an attempt to keep valuable tourism dollars in the state.

Sydney To Open Lockdown-Themed Amusement Park For New Zealanders Who Want The Full Melbourne Experience | The Shovel

Apart From Quarantine, Border Control, Aged Care, Welfare And Social Services, COVID-19 Isn’t A Federal Government Issue, Morrison Says | The Shovel

Prime Minister Scott Morrison says the federal government cannot be held accountable for any failures relating to the nation’s COVID-19 response, reminding voters that apart from a constitutional requirement to control borders, air travel, quarantine policy, aged care facilities, social services and welfare, there is basically nothing it can do.

Apart From Quarantine, Border Control, Aged Care, Welfare And Social Services, COVID-19 Isn’t A Federal Government Issue, Morrison Says | The Shovel

The Poor Women Has A Right To A Private Life! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Public or Private Service

The media can be quite invasive. What right did they have to splash this poor woman’s personal life across their front pages and to lead with stories about her poor judgement? Ok, there may have been criminal activity involved, but is it her fault if she happens to be involved with the wrong guy.

The Poor Women Has A Right To A Private Life! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Everyone In Contact With Berejiklian Over Past 5 Years To Distance Themselves Immediately | The Shovel

In keeping with NSW’s ‘gold standard’ contact tracing system, anyone who has had contact with Gladys Berejiklian over the past 5 years will now distance themselves immediately.

Everyone In Contact With Berejiklian Over Past 5 Years To Distance Themselves Immediately | The Shovel

After a brief interlude the Tories are reverting to type – » The Australian Independent Media Network

At least in his Budget reply Albo showed signs that he’s re-discovered his mojo. Keep it up please, Albo – these are dark days getting darker.

After a brief interlude the Tories are reverting to type – » The Australian Independent Media Network

It’s Clear My Wife Doesn’t Understand How Good Scott Morrison Is! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

It should be obvious that it’s only thanks to me that we’re in this position and that she should show a little gratitude to me and ScoMo, but no, it’s all, blame, blame, blame. Why she even suggested that the budget was terrible for women over thirty five because they’d actually find it harder to get work after the youth subsidies. She completely overlooks that the infrastructure spending will mean that they have nicer roads to travel on while they look for work and all the promised mental health support if they can’t cope with not getting it. That’s the trouble with the left. They’re just never grateful.

It’s Clear My Wife Doesn’t Understand How Good Scott Morrison Is! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Government To Stimulate Economy With Extra $200 Million For ‘Whatever Racket Angus Taylor’s Into Right Now’ | The Shovel

Saying it was important to target the most vulnerable sectors of the economy, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg today unveiled a $200 million stimulus package to give a leg up to whatever the fuck Angus Taylor’s family has got its mitts into at the moment. Announcing the package, Mr Frydenberg said the funds would provide the quick boost the Taylor family needs.

Government To Stimulate Economy With Extra $200 Million For ‘Whatever Racket Angus Taylor’s Into Right Now’ | The Shovel

Trump, Conspiracies And Occam’s Razor! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

So if I were forced to pick between this being real and something Trump made up, I’d pick the scenario that he has actually been diagnosed with Covid-19 for a few simple Occam’s Razor-like reasons: 1) He’s been trying to play down Covid-19 all year, so to now tell people it’s something that can disrupt his election campaign suggests that he might have got it wrong. 2) Disappearing for a few days or weeks disrupts his narrative that he’s a strong man and nothing can stop him. 3) The fact that Hope Hicks was diagnosed first and then he and Melanie got tested indicates a level of planning that I suspect would be too difficult for Trump as it involves a two-step plan. 4) It’s been suggested that the Republicans told him to hide away so that he didn’t have to do any more debates because he lost. Trump never listens to anyone so it’s unlikely he’d believe them about either losing the debate or the necessity of hiding so that he didn’t need to do more. 5) This puts Covid-19 front and centre when Trump has been trying to shift the campaign chatter to the economy. While he could theoretically argue that the big drop in markets when he tested positive shows how much he’s needed, that’s not the sort of argument that sways many people. It’s sort of like when your partner turns up late when you’ve been trying to prepare for guests and says, “Wow, look at the mess you’re in. This just shows how important I am!” If you really wanted to impress, it would have been better to have been there.

Trump, Conspiracies And Occam’s Razor! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Scott Morrison Has Just Released His Tax Return, And It’s A Little Bit Odd | The Shovel

Asked how much actual money he was likely to make this financial year, Mr Morrison said you would need to contact the Australian Gas Industry Association to find out the exact details.

Scott Morrison Has Just Released His Tax Return, And It’s A Little Bit Odd | The Shovel

Lemonade Stand Paid More Tax, Made More Profit, Than All Of Donald Trump’s Businesses Combined | The Shovel

While Ms Herriford’s lemonade stand did make a profit last year, she wanted to be clear that she does have a loan owing to her mother worth $14 – around $439,999,986 less than the loans owed by the Trump Organisation.

Lemonade Stand Paid More Tax, Made More Profit, Than All Of Donald Trump’s Businesses Combined | The Shovel

Murdoch Shocked To Learn Of Trump’s Tax Bill: “$750 Is Extraordinarily High” | The Shovel

News Corp chief Rupert Murdoch was stunned when he heard about Donald Trump’s $750 tax bill, saying he has not seen a tax payment that high before.

Murdoch Shocked To Learn Of Trump’s Tax Bill: “$750 Is Extraordinarily High” | The Shovel

Westpac To Pay $1.3 Billion Money Laundering Fine Using Unmarked 100 dollar Notes | The Shovel

Outgoing Westpac chief Peter King has asked regulators if it would be ok to settle their impending $1.3 billion fine for money laundering and child exploitation with a half dozen briefcases filled with $100 notes.

Westpac To Pay $1.3 Billion Money Laundering Fine Using Unmarked 100 dollar Notes | The Shovel

Welcome back to the world Melbourne (almost sort of hang in there!) | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

First Dog on the Moon

I just want to sit in a cafe drinking an entire coffee in the actual cafe I bought the coffee in

Welcome back to the world Melbourne (almost sort of hang in there!) | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

JUST IN: The COVIDSafe App has identified there was an outbreak at Melbourne’s Rydges Hotel in May | The Shovel

The Government’s high-tech contact tracing app COVID-Safe has alerted officials to a potential outbreak at a quarantine hotel in Melbourne four months ago.

JUST IN: The COVIDSafe App has identified there was an outbreak at Melbourne’s Rydges Hotel in May | The Shovel

Freudian Nip: the 10 funniest things we have ever seen (on the internet) | Culture | The Guardian

Jenna Owen and Victoria Zerbst, AKA comedy duo Freudian Nip.

We asked Australian comedians to tell us what makes them crack up online. For Jenna Owen and Victoria Zerbst of comedy duo Freudian Nip, it’s randy parrots and Harry Potter

Freudian Nip: the 10 funniest things we have ever seen (on the internet) | Culture | The Guardian

Morrison Promises Free Rides For All Once Unicorn Is Genetically Engineered! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Ok, I’ve realised that it’s not even worth commenting any more. I mean there are only three sorts of people in the world: Those who are already aware that Morrison is all about the announcement and the details can be worked out later, but they almost certainly won’t be because the devil is in the detail and he definitely doesn’t want to go round releasing the devil. Those who believe Scotty and, incidentally, are buying shares in my unicorn which is a certainty for the Melbourne Cup because unicorns can fly, and finally, Those with a vested interest in seeing Morrison succeed.

Morrison Promises Free Rides For All Once Unicorn Is Genetically Engineered! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Morrison promises free vaccinations for all Australians living in marginal electorates | The Shovel

Scott Morrison says all Australians in Liberal-held electorates on a margin of less than 2% can look forward to free vaccinations when they become available, possibly as early as next year. The Prime Minister said while he hoped to eventually provide vaccinations to all Australians, it was important to prioritise those most in need.

Morrison promises free vaccinations for all Australians living in marginal electorates | The Shovel

 

“When It Rains Everyone Gets A Rising Tide To Lift All Boats!” says Scott Morrison – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Anyway, back in Canberra the Saviour was able to quickly explain the situation in aged care facilities:

The challenges are not unique to Australia so don’t try and blame the Federal Government who is responsible for the regulation of aged care.
It’s inevitable that Covid-19 will get into aged care facilities because of the high rate of community infection.
It’s being brought in by staff and not spontaneously appearing in the residents who are under lockdown and not allowed to leave.
Brendan Murphy still agrees with Morrison even though he’s no longer CMO but he’s always available for a press conference.
“When it rains, everyone gets wet.” This I presume is because the profit motive is so strong and the regulations so lax in Aged Care Facilities that there’s no necessity to fix the holes in the roof.

via “When It Rains Everyone Gets A Rising Tide To Lift All Boats!” says Scott Morrison – » The Australian Independent Media Network

We Can’t Change Our History, But We Can Make It More Expensive! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

When the Prime Minister made the bold assertion that there was no slavery in Australia, many were quick to point out his poor knowledge of our history forcing Morrison to correct himself. Of course, many people would have left it as that, but not our leader.

No, we can’t have all these elites telling the PM that he’s wrong, so he sprung into action and doubled the price of doing a Humanities course at university. That’ll teach those smart-arises to correct him.

via We Can’t Change Our History, But We Can Make It More Expensive! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Irony is DEAD: Axed episode of Fawlty Towers shows that UKTV fun sponges have lost all sense of reality — RT Op-ed

Irony is DEAD: Axed episode of Fawlty Towers shows that UKTV fun sponges have lost all sense of reality

Britains Ministry of laughter demand all jokes attempts at mockery and irony be submitted for approval before release.(ODT)

via Irony is DEAD: Axed episode of Fawlty Towers shows that UKTV fun sponges have lost all sense of reality — RT Op-ed

They Tell Me The Internet Is Down; I Know Bill Gates Is To Blame… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

It does strike me as a little premature for the Treasurer and others to start saying that whatever we spend now will have to be paid back. While we need a nuanced discussion about the best way to get the economy roaring along like the turtle it was pre-Coronavirus, to tweet something like that seems a bit premature. Like a doctor telling a family just before someone has surgery that the bill will need to be paid even if the patient dies.

It’s true, but it does make him sound as though the main thing on his mind is the health of his bank balance rather than the health of his patient.

via They Tell Me The Internet Is Down; I Know Bill Gates Is To Blame… – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Coronavirus: Trump reveals Homeland study claiming COVID-19 struggles to survive in sunlight, heat

US President Donald Trump encouraged Americans to go outside into the sun.

There’s China the doers and the along came the dumber than (ODT)

“Then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute, one minute, and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning?” Trump asked Bryan from Homeland Security.

He then asked Deborah Birx, the physician co-ordinating the White House’s coronavirus taskforce: “I would like you to speak to the medical doctors to see if there’s any way you can apply light and heat to cure. You know? If you could. And maybe you can, maybe you can’t.”

Birx said she had not seen any evidence that heat or UV rays could be used as a treatment for the virus.

Health experts immediately warned that sunlight was not a “miracle cure” for COVID-19 and that people should not try to treat it by tanning – especially given the risks of developing skin cancer.

On Friday, China announced it donated a further $US30 million ($47 million) to the World Health Organisation following Donald Trump’s decision to halt funding, amid concerns the UN agency is too “China-centric”.

Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Geng Shuang said the extra funds would help the WHO contain the virus and support developing countries in improving their public health systems.

“At this critical moment, support for WHO helps to strengthen multilateralism and the UN,” Shuang said.

via Coronavirus: Trump reveals Homeland study claiming COVID-19 struggles to survive in sunlight, heat

Scott Morrison More Popular Than Jesus And Closing In On The Beatles! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Yes, it’s just a few weeks ago that Josh and Scott were telling us that Labor handn’t delivered a surplus since last century, but if you want to go back through history, it’s worth remembering that the only Liberal Treasurer to deliver a surplus in the last forty years is Peter Costello, who did it during the mining boom. Let’s not even point out his selling off of assets like our gold reserves for bargain prices.

I’ll just leave you with one final thought as we approach Anzac Day: Conservatives seem to have an obsession with everyone remembering what happened over a century ago , while demanding we all forget what happened last week!

Scott Morrison More Popular Than Jesus And Closing In On The Beatles! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

A Serf in the time of plague … – » The Australian Independent Media Network

From the Barons: “Keep ’em housed. Keep ’em fed. Promise ’em anything to keep ’em quiet. Once the Plague has passed we’ll march right back in again and walk all over ’em. The power, and the entitlement, remains ours!”

via A Serf in the time of plague … – » The Australian Independent Media Network