It’s so heartwarming to hear this from the man who promised to end “this American carnage” in his inaugural address. Of course, at the time he was talking about gang murders, just as he did in his State of the Union address last month.
He must have forgotten to mention school shootings with assault weapons, like the AR-15 used at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas high school in Parkland, Florida. It was the same assault weapon used at the Sutherland Springs church in Texas in November. It was the same assault weapon used in the Las Vegas massacre the month before that.
It’s as if no politician could talk about protecting airplane cockpits after 9/11 because all we could was pray and send our condolences.
The first-term congressman spent three decades as a physician and is now part of a group of Republican doctors trying to roll back Obamacare.
The GOP is abandoning Trump!
The former Republican candidate stepped up the fight against the man who may carry the party’s torch in 2016, Donald Trump.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Tommie Woodward, 28, a short order cook and part-time Tea Party sign maker, was devoured early Friday morning by an agitated alligator in a fetid swamp close to the Louisiana state line.
The tragedy took place at Ned’s Last Chance Marina located on Toxic Bayou, a slow-moving, leech infested branch of the Sabine River. Ned’s is a popular party spot with locals because most local law enforcement personnel are too terrified to come anywhere near it.
“It was about midnight and we had just finished three cases of beer and had hit the pipe a few times and all of a sudden Tommie says ‘Let’s go swimmin,’” said Michelle Wright, a friend of the nocturnal water sports enthusiast and granddaughter of former Speaker of the House Jim Wright.
“When we warned him about the gigantic species of predatory reptile that inhabits the swamp and makes it a habit of feeding at night, he just said ‘Fuck that alligator!’ and dove in.
“There was a big splash and an 11-foot gator done grabbed a hold of him and tore off his dang leg,” whimpered Wright. “Tommie yelled that it was just a flesh wound and no fucking overgrown lizard was gonna stop him from having a good time. That’s when the gator muttered ‘I’ve had enough of this shit’ and took him under for good. It was just awful.”
Police Captain Robert Emmon told CNN that “There are signs all over the fucking place warning idiots not to enter the water because of killer alligators in the vicinity. Hell, most people don’t even fish around this godforsaken deathtrap.”
Emmon said that Woodward had made the situation that much worse by insulting the alligator before he jumped in.
“Alligators are a proud species that react badly when insulted,” said Emmon. “They’ve been around for millions of years in basically the same form because they’re perfect killing machines. Anyone dumb enough to insult one and then jump in the water on top of his snout is just asking for trouble.”
“Captain Emmon is absolutely right,” said Wally Gator, spokesman for Reptilian Lives Matter, an advocacy group headquartered in New Orleans with branches in Florida and east Texas.
“We’re sick of being treated like second class citizens,” said Wally, as he munched on a raccoon carcass. “We’ve been around one helluva a lot longer than you idiot humans and we’re just not going to take these insults lying down. Fuck you rednecks!”
According to Captain Emmon, Woodward’s body was found around 4:30 A.M. Friday morning floating around 300 yards away from the dock from which he jumped. Woodward’s leg was missing and there were bite marks all over him but he was basically intact.
“I think the gator found his flesh a little too toxic to consume,” said Emmons. “As I said, alligators are sensitive creatures and they won’t eat just anything that comes along.
“I hope this incident serves as a warning to all those cretins out there who look down on our cousins the reptiles. After all, we all descended from the same eukaryotic cells deposited on earth billions of years ago by space aliens from Planet 10, and we should all respect one another.”
Woodward’s funeral will take place sometime late this week after a local taxidermist fits him with a new leg.
A memorial service will be held on Wednesday at Helga’s Bait Shop and Chain Saw Repair in Dysentery Springs where Woodward was born and raised. Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz is expected to officiate as Woodward was a volunteer for his campaign.
Members of Texas Open Carry will conduct a 21 machine gun salute in honor of their fallen comrade.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Reaction to new EPA clean water rules has been fast and furious on Capitol Hill among Republican lawmakers, who are currently scrambling to craft legislation that will insure that our pristine streams and wetlands will be reserved for use by large corporations and factory farms. The pro-pollution Republican Caucus has been joined in the effort by Democrats from farm states who are willing to put aside core values in favor of campaign contributions.
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) summed up the anti-environment position nicely in his reaction to the EPA’s rules release.
“The administration’s decree to unilaterally expand federal authority is a raw and tyrannical power grab that will crush large corporations, giant factory farms, and faceless industrial giants that need these streams and wetlands as a place to dump their deadly chemicals,” said Boehner.
“These leaders know firsthand that the rule is being shoved down the throats of hardworking CEO’s with no input, and places giant landowners, benevolent corporations such as Monsanto, and manufacturers of carcinogenic pesticides on the road to a regulatory and economic hell not seen since the days of the ‘Killing Fields’ in Cambodia. If these rules are allowed to stand, these innocent victims of government overreach will actually have to think twice before fucking up the entire American landscape for the rest of us.”
Boehner paused to wipe spittle from his chin and take a sip of Wild Turkey before continuing:
“This power grab is part of a three-prong socialist conspiracy to take over large portions of the United States, including vast areas of the southwest, by any means possible. Providing the American people with health care, clean water, and clean air will only lead to a healthier and more informed oppressed class, and we in the Republican Party just cannot allow that to happen.”
Boehner ended the press conference by saying that President Obama was a minion of Satan and only an idiot would want to drink clean water and breathe clean air.
“Look at me,” said Boehner, “I do just fine on a steady diet of bourbon, tar, and solar radiation.”
Here’s the latest from our pal in Russia:
President Vladimir V. Putin on Monday approved the delivery of a sophisticated air defense missile system to Iran, potentially complicating negotiations on Tehran’s nuclear program and further straining ties with Washington.
The sale could also undermine the Obama administration’s efforts to sell Congress and foreign allies on the nuclear deal, which Iran and the United States are still struggling to complete. It might also reduce the United States’ leverage in the talks by making it much harder for the United States or Israel to mount airstrikes against Iran’s nuclear infrastructure if the country ignored such an agreement.
Well, there you have it: Putin is eager to undermine any possibility of a US nuclear deal with Iran. This gives Republicans a choice: they can side with Putin or they can side with Barack Obama.
Decisions, decisions. I wonder what they’ll choose?