Sens. Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz, the leaders of the coup attempt in the Senate, might as well have been personally leading the Trump cultists as they rampaged through the Capitol’s corridors. There are no political subtleties, no nuanced hot takes about what happened in Washington on January 6, 2021. It was an insurrection, period. It was an insurrection by a Trump mob, and later by their confederates in the House and Senate.Insurrection by Trump Mob and Republicans in Congress
DALLAS – (CT&P) – Now that Rafael Cruz, father of Ted, the notorious Zodiac Killer, has been positively linked with the assassination of John F. Kennedy, it seems that the entire Cruz line is an unhinged pack of vicious killers.
Early Tuesday, Donald Trump exposed the elder Cruz’s part in the JFK conspiracy, calling him the “mastermind” behind the brutal murder of our beloved president.
Trump alleged that Rafael was with John F. Kennedy’s assassin shortly before he murdered the president, claiming that he was pictured with Lee Harvey Oswald handing out pro-Fidel Castro pamphlets in New Orleans in 1963, rock-solid proof that Cruz might as well have pulled the trigger himself.
“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Kennedy’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is obvious,” Trump said Tuesday during a phone interview with Fox News. “What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it.
“I think that most media personalities are just too terrified of the Cruz family to bring it up. They’re scared Lyin’ Ted or his religious kook Dad might go ‘off the reservation’ and take them out with a high-powered rifle or fill them full of lead while they’re trying to get some on Lover’s Lane.”
Trump’s hypothesis was bolstered later the same day when a video of Rafael ranting and raving about God, the constitution and what he called Second Coming of Jesus Christ in the form of Ted, his only obnoxious son, was aired on Fox News.
“Anyone this unstable is perfectly capable of assassinating a president, and God knows his drunken child abuse probably led to Ted’s murder spree on the west coast during the late 60’s and early 70’s. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to do it. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to say it,” Trump said, before touting his support from Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders.
Trump continued, “At least the religious kooks that support me, like Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, have their hearts in the right place. They know how to line their pockets while preaching the gospel, unlike like that lunatic Rafael Cruz.”
Although the Cruz campaign has yet to formally respond to the charges, surrogate Glenn Beck told Fox that Trump was clearly out of his mind, because everyone knew that the Freemasons and the Illuminati were behind the assassination of JFK.
“As usual Trump is just spouting nonsense,” said Beck, who was dressed in a suit made entirely of aluminum foil.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vociferously protested the unauthorized use of his two little monkeys in a cartoon published in the Washington Post this week.
Cruz hammered the Post on Wednesday for publishing an online editorial cartoon depicting his spawn as dancing monkeys, telling a crowd in Tulsa that the attack “has no place in politics.”
“Not too much ticks me off, but using my two little monkeys without my permission, that’ll do it,” Cruz said in response to the cartoon, which has since been taken down.
“They’re my monkeys, and I get to decide when to use them,” said Cruz, as saliva dribbled from one side of his mouth.
“It’s perfectly OK if I use them as pawns in political ads to degrade an opposing candidate, depicting Hillary Clinton as the Grinch for example, but I’ll be damned if the Washington Post can use them to criticize me. It’s just not the Christian thing to do. After all, they’re just kids and have no idea what’s going on, and if they’re going to be taken advantage of, it should be by their power hungry Dad.”
As noted the Post took down the cartoon and has since apologized to Cruz.
Cruz told editorial page editor Fred Hiatt that next time he wanted to use the monkeys in a cartoon he could contact his campaign and an appropriate fee could be worked out.
Fellow senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio told CNN that the real story here was not that Cruz or the Post had used the little monkeys for political gain, but that at some point in time Ted had actually found a female monkey willing to have sex with him.
“Must have been one desperate monkey,” said Rubio.