A very high source in the Liberal Party has told me that Bronwyn Bishop is considering her options and thinks that the Liberals may need her to stop the rot and the socialists… which are, after all, the same thing. Like all good journalists I’m not going to reveal my source because apart from anything else he may sue me for alleging that he was high. Although the very idea that anyone could suggest that Bishop would improve the party’s problems would have to be on something.
David Milner has already labelled 2022 “annus stupidus”, but 2022 was also a turning point. From Scott Morrison to Christian Porter to Elon Musk, so much stupid was met with so much comeuppance. And for that, we should be thankful. Here are 2022’s top shit-heels getting exactly what they deserve.
So, this hardworking team – officially known as the Bi-Annual Liberal Strategy and Campaigning Secretariat (BALSACS) – is currently meeting in Biarritz to develop new and innovative strategies to promote Peter Dutton and the Liberal Party.
2022, an exceptionally dumb year, began with former Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison advocating for the rights of disadvantaged children everywhere to be able to drive forklifts at Woolies; the pandemic had exacerbated global supply chain issues and, of all the imaginable remedies to this situation, minimum-wage kids operating heavy machinery appealed to Scott’s mindhole the most. The year ended, just as appropriately, with former American President Donald Trump dropping a collection of $99 NFTs, artificially scarce internet pictures that depict him dressed up as a superhero or a cowboy or a football player.
Scott Morrison has told the Royal Commission into the Robodebt Scheme that he is ready to apportion blame for the disastrous policy, saying it was his wife’s idea to illegally pursue thousands of Australians for debts they didn’t owe.
Mm. Sorry, I got distracted writing that. You know how when you see a thing of beauty and you just pause and forget what you were doing and just stare? Well, the phrase “ex-PM Scott Morrison” had that effect on me and I lost my train of thought…
this is all general and has nothing to do with the recent brouhaha about the Essendon CEO who lasted less time in the job than your average Tinder date.
When it comes down to it, he should have never got the job for the obvious reason that he was the person in charge of finding the next CEO.
Let’s be clear here: If you tasked me with the job of finding a replacement for Shaun at “Mad As Hell” and I came back a few weeks later and said after due consideration, I think it should be me, you’d have to think that I was far from a disinterested party and that maybe there was the sort of conflict of interest that meant that I should consider becoming the next Liberal leader rather than a comedian…
“Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain
“This is where we are at right now, as a whole – no one is left out of the loop,” said Bill Hicks thirty years ago to an audience where only a few had come to think and the overwhelming majority sat staring at the stage, perplexed and disappointed at having paid for the opportunity to disappear for a time into the disorienting spectacle of dick jokes and the confectious escapism of folly while the world burned. “We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.” Then there came the pause that elucidated the significance wherein self-reflection is supposed to happen and didn’t. “This is the material, by the way,” Bill continued, “that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for the past 15 years. Gee, I wonder why we’re hated the world over?”
Then there was another pause. And lucky for us, it’s still with us, but just barely. And it won’t be around much longer.
Peter Dutton is committed to calling Labor liars at every opportunity, as well as suggesting that there’s a big rift between Albanese and Chalmers on the tax cuts. The Liberals are a “broad church”, but Labor have rifts.
Ah, just like the mainstream media I’ve spent all this time discussing something which hasn’t happened yet and I’ve completely ignored the story about how Mathias Cormann is stuffing up his job at the OECD and how 26 economists and academics have written an open letter expressing concern about how he has effectively shut down the New Approaches to Economic Challenges which they believe was working efficiently.
Yes, when Mathias left the Liberals to work at the OECD, he managed to reduce the competency of both groups. It’s really pretty amazing that a body like that could employ a man who didn’t even notice that he’d forgotten to pay “HelloWorld” for his holiday.
I’m glad I waited a week to write about the Optus ‘hack’. Enough time has passed since the catastrophic data breach to be confident that it wasn’t a sophisticated hack by an advanced persistent threat-actor, like Optus would have us believe. It was just a cock up.
Peter Dutton thinks that Andrew Thorburn should be re-instated, and not just because Dan Andrews thought that removing him was a good idea. No, it’s like I said: religious institutions have the right to consider religious views when hiring and firing, but nobody else does.
With their confidence shattered and the economy plunging into recession, people in the UK were today thinking how good it would be if there was some sort of network of local economies that they could join, in Europe say, to help them weather the upcoming storm.
For years, Bolt has argued that he has a right to free speech without the terrible restrictions that someone disagreeing with him might place on his freedom. We should reject political correctness and all that it entails.
So, I’m presuming that he must be very upset that Lachlan Murdoch should take Crikey to court because of what they printed and that he doesn’t feel that the idea that Lachlan has “has suffered and will continue to suffer substantial hurt, distress and embarrassment” should be a reason for him to sue them.
As for Andrew Bolt, I’m left presuming his opinion on the Lachlan Murdoch situation because he hasn’t made his views as clear as he normally does. Of course, this would have nothing to do with who his employer is, because that would lead some to draw the inference that he doesn’t really think his paper supports his free speech on all subjects.
Of course, this has nothing to do with his capacity to be an effective Prime Minister. I mean, we don’t elect governments because they’re composed of nice guys and gals. We elect them to have the ability to show foresight, communicate their vision and make the tough decisions when necessary.
So, all this stuff I’ve heard lately about Peter Dutton being such a great fellow just makes me think that he’s too nice to ever be a good leader.
By the way, in case you’re not aware, you should only try to cuddle a koala under strict supervision. In their natural state they can scratch and piss on you.
From these we can see that One Nation and its senators don’t like the way we do things in Australia and that they want change and using Pauline’s logic, doesn’t that mean that Malcolm Roberts should leave the country and go back to India?
Or as Pauline pointed out, is he allowed to express a view without being told to go back to where he came from because “his skin is white”?
Now I promise not to spend too much time on this but I feel the need to point out that the idea that King Chuckles can’t comment on climate change because it’s just a wee bit controversial is one of those things that needs a bit of an examination. I’m just going to do a short examination and then we can go back to discussing politics like we normally do, ok?
The Irish simply thought of all English a Third consideration
Scotland is about to take back Balmoral Castle and then there’s Australia
Mr Dutton has been suggesting that it’s inappropriate for King Charles to be against the destruction of the Earth because our monarch is meant to be politically neutral, but the first Charles lost his head and insisted that he didn’t need to listen to the British Parliament, although not in that order. So with a name like Charles, who knows what this Charles will do?
What will the monarchists do if Charles doesn’t become the silent figurehead who just cuts the odd ribbon and opens the odd fete and puts his name to the odd charity? (Although not so odd that it won’t have an office, a website or a plan before getting $18million from the government…) What if he feels that he has a role to play in loudly encouraging the move toward net zero? Which, after all, in Australia, is a bipartisan policy so it’s hardly controversial.
I mean, it’s not like they can demand we elect a new king.
Although it is possible that Scott Morrison had himself secretly sworn in as an alternative king in case something happened.
Some described it as a great sigh of relief – the national exhalation of a breath we’d grown accustomed to holding. Others spoke of a weight lifted from our collective shoulders: we could walk freely again, stretching out carefully as the stoop straightened.
The wave of euphoria that flowed across the country on election night and its immediate aftermath was reflected in the enthusiasm even Labor doubters had for the incoming Government and its authentic workaday leader.
Arch-monarchist Tony Abbott, the red-sluggoed, forelock-tugging, groom of the stool candidate and technophobic visionary who was ejected by his party from the PM chair and rejected by otherwise reliable Tory voters from his own seat has been recruited by the Victorian Liberals to improve their own electoral palatability. Which reminds me of Piggy Mudloon’s crack about Kiwi immigrants to Oz improving the average IQ of both countries.
The other key plank in the southern Tories’ clever pre-election PR campaign is to shorten their leader’s name from Matthew to Matt in a cunning reprise of the ScoMo™ strategy. As a distraction from previous proclivities such as sharing lobster & Grange with a mobster and drunkenly crashing their prestige motor into a child’s bedroom it may not be as effective as they may hope given the ALP in Victoria increased its large election-winning lead from a month ago: ALP 60.5%, L-NP 39.5%.
Is it too much to hope that Lachlan Murdoch might go swirling down the giant novelty defamation toilet with Ben Roberts-Smith and Christian Porter? This week’s legal rocket wasn’t the first salvo fired at Crikey from the thinnest-skinned Murdoch. It’s apparently the fourth in two years. But this one felt like one of those poorly aimed Russian rockets that keep falling on Ukrainian primary schools or retirement homes for aged guide dogs.
To add insult to high farce, Scott Morrison also came out at his own press conference where, apart from bleating for almost an hour about tempests and ships at sea and how he’d been up there on the cross for us thanks very much you thankless bastards, he offered a singular apology to his fellow government colleagues. Yes, his mea-not-really-culpa was just to them.
While Australia has reported 9,225,519 cases since early 2020, 96% have been this year. This has led to Australia’s global ranking of cases, hospitalisations and deaths being among the highest in the world. – Michael Toole Associate Principal Research Fellow, Burnet Institute, Brendan Crabb Director and CEO, Burnet Institute.
We’re not special, of course. Omicron and its friendly little sub-variants are everywhere. But it feels like we’ve just given up here, even on the basics. Nobody is calling for lockdowns.
It’s been a while since we had a Prime Minister from either side with a decent sense of humour. So, if nothing else we should be able to have a few more laughs during the next three years.
I recorded the above 2 videos myself while watching the parliament live and I think it’s highly unlikely that other media have broadcast those moments which goes to show how much of parliament we never see.
Federal MP Angus Taylor gives himself an uppercut in a question to Prime Minister Anthony Albanese Kangaroo Court of Australia
And that’s surely the point of Matt and Tim and Peter. They make the rest of them look so much more reasonable. I remember when we laughed at the “Joh for PM” campaign in the late 1980s. I was at Billy Bragg’s concert where he made jokes about it, but then left us with a warning that the problem was that after Joh someone would come along and – by comparison – they’d seem alright.
And thanks to Matt and Tim and Peter, then the moderates like Hollie Hughes and Dan Tehan and Angus Taylor and Alan Tudge and Alex Hawke…
Oh, I see…
Yeah, the days of looking good compared to the previous front bench may be over for the federal Coalition.
But at least, down here in Victoria, Tim Smith is making a concerted effort to make his leader look good by comparison with his praise of Rugby League over AFL.
If that doesn’t get him expelled from the Victorian Liberal Party then they might as well disband now.
There’s something strange about the conservative side of politics. Ok, there’s something strange about all sides of politics, but I’ve noticed a certain pattern from Tony, Scott, Boris and the rest. I haven’t included Malcolm because we all know that – in spite of living in Point Piper – he’s a communist.
When certain people talk about their hostility to woke folk, then what they’re actually saying is that they don’t want people to be alert to injustice in society, especially when it comes to racism.
You won’t find this on Sky News After Dark. They appropriated Woke to mean any complaint whatsoever. They intentionally confused it and tried to turn it into a joke by mocking it in an effort to make it meaningless and drain it from any weight of truth.
Staying Woke even means when it’s their unassailable privileges are being threatened. Bolt, Rowan Dean et al simply try to reduce it to a state of meaningless equivalence when reality is great and people complain about it. However, when the facts say otherwise then Woke is to be wise. This is a misogynist world in which women find themselves second class to men who aren’t being attacked underpaid or raped. The hardships the Indigenous face are real and aren’t as Bolt tries to insist victims of their own culture. Woke isn’t simply a term applicable to any complaint he might have about Australian Society because he Dean, Kenny et al simply ain’t….Woke
Well, we put paid to that. We didn’t just restrict the sale of this merchandise. We went right ahead and banned at least 12 French cheeses that were deemed a brazen threat to our general community. In particular, a threat to the safety of our children. Children are precious right?
Because when things are really dangerous, then sensibly you restrict and regulate it okay?
These cheeses that undermine the very fabric of society, with their delicate harmony of aroma and finely developed bacterial sensibilities, such as Roquefort, Bleu de Gax, Mimolette, Morbier, Camembert de Normandie and Brie de Meaux will no longer be permitted to put our children in grave physical danger as has been consistently proven over many a past decade.
Refuting critics who say the Coalition is ideologically opposed to solar energy, Shadow Treasurer and former Energy Minister Angus Taylor has announced a new energy policy that would take advantage of the sun’s rich resources by opening it up to his friend’s mining companies.
Still the media have taken on board one thing. Throughout the campaign we were told that we didn’t know who Albanese was, even though he’s one of the longest serving politicians held a number of portfolios and spent some time in the position of Deputy PM. They must have done some soul-searching and realised that they couldn’t let that happen again, so there are lots of pieces on the new opposition leader, even before he’s elected, and they all seem to be telling us that the man we thought we knew is just a creature of fiction… No, not the one from the Harry Potter series because that’s making fun of his appearance and he can’t help that. No, the Peter Dutton that intervened agains department advice to allow a couple of au pair girls to enter the country now wants to be assured that the government is following department advice by letting a family with Australian born children stay here. I mean, imagine how the flood gates will be opened if all people have to do to get to stay is find another refugee to marry, have kids, make lots of friends in their local community, get dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, spend years in detention, have a child get dangerously ill and liv
Incoming Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has blasted Prime Minister Anthony Albanese for doing what he said he would do, as well as going back on an LNP policy.
‘How dare you do what you said you would do? That’s not what a government does’ he said.
‘That’s not what a government does’ he said.
‘He also reversed our policy, a very galling decision on his part. Mr Albanese is very entitled, isn’t he? He seems to think being ‘in government’ allows him and his fellow lefties to ‘make decisions’. The man is delusional’.
Still, to be fair, the Coalition have always suggested that minorities need to fit in and we can’t just pander to people who don’t accept the society we live in. It’s just a pity that they didn’t realise that women are one of the few minority groups that actually form a majority.
Morrison puts on a white coat and says ” I’m like you dentist you don’t have to like me” He’s nothing like my dentist. I like my dentist. He’s just a moron in a white coat pretending to be her. If I didn’t like my dentist I’d change dentists. If she pulled the wrong teeth I’d sue her for malpractice.
Morrison is just the idiot in the sandpit spoiling my kid’s day, my day, in fact, everybody’s day pretending to be something he’s not and needs to be removed.
Despite the move, senior Liberal Party strategists apparently warned against the stunt, saying Scott Morrison acting as a Prime Minister would not be believable to voters.
The great awakening Morrison’s tenure has been a test of his character – one he has failed abysmally. The election will be a test of Australia’s character but likely one we will pass. It is not entirely clear to me when Smirko Morrison’s re-election campaign jumped the shark. Tony Abbott was a national embarrassment, a badly shaved yowie in red-sluggos who bumble-fucked his brief, shambolic term as PM as if he were still in opposition. Morrison runs his as a marketing exercise. Electioneering has been his permanent setting since he and his retinue of Winston Wolfes and limbo champions steam-cleaned Malcolm Turnbull’s blood spatter from the PM’s suite and took up residence. We’ve had >3 years of Smirko the spiv playing dress-ups, 1,300+ days of curries and cock-ups, of crimes and cover-ups, of the game of mates, of drink spikers and staff shaggers, of dullards and sousers in high office – a time when a functionary tabled his seminal work on a minister’s desk and two Tory amuse-douche MPs tea-bagged rent boys in the PH prayer room.
An election campaign gaffe has entered an incredible ninth day in the headlines, say the organisations that create those headlines.
Opinion pieces across major mastheads said it was astonishing that we were still talking about the slip up well into the second week of the campaign.
“This happened more than a week ago – that’s an eternity in politics. But yet somehow it’s still all over the news,” one report headlined ‘Why the gaffe is still in the headlines’ read.
One news outlet, which will run a special two-week anniversary lift out special about the gaffe, said it was amazing the story had persisted so long. “I’m not sure how or why, but we’re somehow seeing a new story about this nearly every day”.
The outlet will also publish a special report tomorrow called ‘How the media covered the gaffe’, followed next week by ‘How the media covered the media’s coverage of the gaffe’.
Yes, I could go on pointing out the differences and it wouldn’t soothe the nerves of those who fear that Morrison will do it again. And who knows, he might. So with that in mind, I thought I’d concentrate on the upside of Morrison’s win. He’ll destroy the Liberal Party.