TUSCALOOSA – (CT&P) – The Tuscaloosa News is reporting that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban held a satanic ritual at midnight last night in order to alter the path of Hurricane Joaquin. The ritual, which included the ceremonial drinking of bulldog blood, was held deep in the recruiting dungeons under the athletic office where SAT answer sheets are normally stored.
Sources close to the program are saying that Saban is “pulling out all the stops” to give the Tide at least a “snowball’s chance in hell” against the Bulldogs on Saturday.
The anonymous sources say that Saban feels that his strong defense, aided by hideous weather conditions, is the only hope for victory. So far the Tide’s anemic offense, led by malfunctioning cyborg Jake Coker, has been unable to generate much of anything against strong opponents.
According to the National Weather Service Joaquin’s predicted storm track did indeed mysteriously change during the night.
Dr. Greg Forbes, severe weather expert for the Weather Channel, said that computer models now have Joaquin taking a left turn and stalling over Athens for days before breaking up sometime early Sunday.
“It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Forbes.
Forbes told viewers that if Joaquin follows the new predicted track it has the potential to be as disastrous as the Great Ice Storm of 2014, which dumped as much as 1/100 of an inch of frozen precipitation on Atlanta roads, causing the entire city to be paralyzed for days.
“I really can’t explain why the storm is acting like this, but Georgia fans who plan on attending the game in Athens on Saturday should bring along their bass boats or inflatable rafts as a precaution. We just don’t know what will happen at this point,” said Forbes.
ZURICH – (CT&P) – An early morning fire which destroyed the FIFA World Congress Building, known as the Pitchstag in Switzerland, was the work of subversive communist conspirators, according to FIFA President Sepp Blatter.
The fire allowed Blatter to be re-elected without difficulty after Prince Ali bin Hussein of Jordan withdrew from the presidential race saying he was “in fear of losing his life.”
Blatter issued an official FIFA decree shortly after the fire which nullified voting rights for UEFA and other soccer organizations that voted for Prince Ali rather than Blatter for FIFA president during the first round.
The decree also suspended key civil liberties for anyone within the FIFA umbrella of leagues who disagreed with Blatter in any way whatsoever. The Geheime der Football Polizei, more commonly known as Blatter’s Gestapo, is expected to make arrests throughout Europe later tonight of UEFA leaders who dared to stand up to Blatter’s tyranny.
The organization has set up interrogation centers in former CIA ‘black sites’ where the offending officials will questioned using “enhanced interrogation techniques” such as sleep deprivation and water-boarding.
FIFA has contracted Blatter’s alter ego, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, to oversee the torture sessions.
ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.
FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”
“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”
“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”
Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.
CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, CATALONIA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Our Lord and Savior, the goal scoring Messiah Leo Messi scored a hat trick against Sevilla yesterday to set the all time career scoring record in La Liga. The three goals came during a 5-1 trouncing of the unfortunate Sevillistas much to the delight of Barcelona fans at Camp Nou. The former record was set by Telmo Zarra and has stood unbroken since 1955.
The Lamb of God tied the record of 251 goals with an absolutely divine free kick in the 21st minute that rose over the wall of opposing players, dipped like a star falling from the heavens, and sailed into the corner of the net. Sevilla goalkeeper Antonio Alberto Bastos Pimparel was powerless to block the shot delivered from the left foot of Our Lord.
“It was like the heavens opened and a bolt of lighting hit the net,” said a shaken Beto. “There is no fighting the power of the Son of God.”
The Prince of Pitch scored again in the 72nd minute to set the new scoring record at 252 goals. The goal came off a cross from his disciple Prince Neymar of Brazil.
To celebrate, his devoted disciples raised his body toward the heavens in an act of divine ecstasy.
“I’m just delighted to be here to witness these miracles week after week,” said Neymar after the game. “Leo is an all-powerful and all-knowing force out there on the field. He shepherds shot after shot through the heart of the unbeliever’s defenses. I’m just proud to assist him spread the Good News of Barcelona victories in any way I can.”
The King of Kings completed his Trinity of goals only six minutes later with a powerful low strike from the edge of the penalty area.
In an interview after the game, Barcelona captain Cardinal Xavi Hernandez told reporters that the Messiah was “simply the best player ever to grace a pitch.” “He is absolutely without sin on the football field,” said Xavi. “And he’s quite useful during practice as well, turning water into Gatorade on a regular basis. All praise be unto Him.”
Messi, who is only 27 years old, has a chance to top three hundred goals in his career, making it almost impossible to beat unless there is a “Third Coming” sometime in the distant future.