By Mano Pequeño, Proboscis Presidential Affairs Correspondent
WASHINGTON, DC—Following the inauguration ceremony, more than a million Americans took to the streets of their nation’s capitol, in a women’s march to protest the presidency of Donald J. Trump. Many of the protesters out on the streets that day showed their support for women’s rights by crafting and wearing “pink pussy” hats, pink knit hats with cat ears, a clever play on words designed as a response to the new president’s propensity for nonconsensually grabbing women’s genitals.
Unfortunately for the newly inaugurated president, that sea of pink, knit, vagina symbolism was close enough to the real thing to get the Donald’s rape-motor running. That vaguely yonic headgear was to Donald J. Trump what waving a red flag is to an angry bull.
From his window in the oval office, Trump, making phone calls to his supporters, noticed the crowd of protesters outside. As he registered the thousands and thousands of pink hats, his tiny hands began to shake. His breathing became deep and fast, and sweat beaded his orange forehead. To the caller on the phone, he said, “Look Vlad, the girls are going to have to wait at the airport. Something’s come up. Yeah, tell them to to just go ahead and go. They can drink more water when they get here.”
Trump-wranglers Kellyanne Conway and Steve Bannon tried valiantly to restrain their boss, as he went into a full-on sexual frenzy, precipitated by the army of vagina hats outside on Pennsylvania avenue. “Grab them by the pussy!” the President screamed, struggling as Conway and Bannon held his arms. “They let you do that when you’re a star! I have the best hands!”
“No, Donald!” yelled Kellyanne, Presidential advisor and chief necromancer, “They’re not real! Knit vaginas can’t even not consent to being grabbed!” She struggled to fill a syringe with a sedative.
“Don’t do it, Donald!” said Bannon, Trump’s campaign strategist and Nazi-in-Chief. “It’s a filthy Jew trick!”
Despite help from several junior staffers, Trump broke free from his handlers and ran headlong through the second-story window, landing on the White House lawn. In a frenzy of sexual energy, he scaled the fence.
From there, the President began grabbing every pink pussy hat in sight, as outraged marchers beat him about the head and shoulders with cleverly worded protest signs. The Secret Service struggled to keep up with Trump as he staggered through the crowd like a drunk, shouting, “I don’t even wait, I just kiss! When you’re president, they let you do it! Grab ’em by the pussy!”
Very soon, the obese, seventy year old president ran out of stamina. With sadly low energy, his tiny hands cramping from sexually assaulting hundreds of knit hats, he collapsed to the ground. Capitol police dispersed the crowd so that emergency medical services could reach Trump. He was taken by helicopter to a nearby hospital and treated for narcissistic exhaustion.
In a press conference, White House press secretary Sean Spicer declared that the incident never happened, but if it did, the women were all asking for it because their hats were whores, and it was pretty awesome of the president to grab all those whore pussy hats, because he’s a total alpha. But the fact remains that it didn’t happen, because the inauguration was a total success and the protest never happened, and all footage of the protest was a computer generated liberal lie, designed to disgrace our Dear Leader, because nobody could possibly protest Trump, since he entered office with a four hundred and six percent approval rating, and furthermore we’ve always been at war with Eastasia.