Month: May 2015

VIDEO: Julian Assange on NSA, TPP, British Nukes, Libyan Refugees and His Struggle for Freedom

In an hourlong discussion on “Democracy Now!” WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says that the NSA can continue to spy on Americans in spite of legislation coming out of Congress and that the Trans-Pacific Partnership is about corporate control.

Assange also discusses the security lapses revealed by a British nuclear submariner, Europe’s secret plan for refugee boats from Libya and the U.S. case against him.

California Set To Give Solar Panels To Low-Income Families For Free


  • By using money raised by the government to help fight global warming, the grid alternative project is aiming to get polluting companies to pay for putting solar panels on the roofs of  homes that cannot afford to do it themselves. This effort will install home solar arrays in disadvantaged neighborhoods, using $14.7 million raised through California’s cap and trade system for reining greenhouse gas emissions.

    The program was first introduced by California state senator Keven de Leon, who spoke at a recent solar panel even say, “I introduced SB 535 in 2011 to ensure that our disproportionately impacted communities benefit from investments in clean energy. These investments will bring energy savings, quality jobs, and environmental benefits where they are needed most.”

    In order to qualify, homeowners must be located in a “disadvantaged” neighborhood, as defined by state guidelines. They must also be earning 80% or less than the area’s median income per household.

    “These investments will bring energy savings, they’ll bring quality jobs, and they’ll also bring environmental benefits where they’re needed the most,” said state Senate President Pro Tem Kevin de León, D-Los Angeles, who wrote the 2012 law.

    By using 10% of this money on solar panels it is like killing two birds with one stone; you save lower income families money, while also making big fossil fuel polluting companies help cut energy emissions in the state.

    “We envision a world where families, regardless of income, can have access to clean power and bills they can afford,” Mackie said. “For us we are really about solutions and it’s about solving a problem one family at a time, one rooftop at a time.”

Republican Lawmakers Scramble To Preserve Streams And Wetlands For Industrial Runoff


WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Reaction to new EPA clean water rules has been fast and furious on Capitol Hill among Republican lawmakers, who are currently scrambling to craft legislation that will insure that our pristine streams and wetlands will be reserved for use by large corporations and factory farms. The pro-pollution Republican Caucus has been joined in the effort by Democrats from farm states who are willing to put aside core values in favor of campaign contributions.

House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) summed up the anti-environment position nicely in his reaction to the EPA’s rules release.

“The administration’s decree to unilaterally expand federal authority is a raw and tyrannical power grab that will crush large corporations, giant factory farms, and faceless industrial giants that need these streams and wetlands as a place to dump their deadly chemicals,” said Boehner.


“These leaders know firsthand that the rule is being shoved down the throats of hardworking CEO’s with no input, and places giant landowners, benevolent corporations such as Monsanto, and manufacturers of carcinogenic pesticides on the road to a regulatory and economic hell not seen since the days of the ‘Killing Fields’ in Cambodia. If these rules are allowed to stand, these innocent victims of government overreach will actually have to think twice before fucking up the entire American landscape for the rest of us.”

Boehner paused to wipe spittle from his chin and take a sip of Wild Turkey before continuing:

“This power grab is part of a three-prong socialist conspiracy to take over large portions of the United States, including vast areas of the southwest, by any means possible. Providing the American people with health care, clean water, and clean air will only lead to a healthier and more informed oppressed class, and we in the Republican Party just cannot allow that to happen.”

Boehner ended the press conference by saying that President Obama was a minion of Satan and only an idiot would want to drink clean water and breathe clean air.

“Look at me,” said Boehner, “I do just fine on a steady diet of bourbon, tar, and solar radiation.”

Fire At FIFA Congress Blamed On Communist Sabateurs

Burning of the Reichstag 1933. Germany / Mono Print

ZURICH – (CT&P) – An early morning fire which destroyed the FIFA World Congress Building, known as the Pitchstag in Switzerland, was the work of  subversive communist conspirators, according to FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

The fire allowed Blatter to be re-elected without difficulty after Prince Ali bin Hussein of Jordan withdrew from the presidential race saying he was “in fear of losing his life.”


Blatter issued an official FIFA decree shortly after the fire which nullified voting rights for UEFA and other soccer organizations that voted for Prince Ali rather than Blatter for FIFA president during the first round.

The decree also suspended key civil liberties for anyone within the FIFA umbrella of leagues who disagreed with Blatter in any way whatsoever. The Geheime der Football Polizei, more commonly known as Blatter’s Gestapo, is expected to make arrests throughout Europe later tonight of UEFA leaders who dared to stand up to Blatter’s tyranny.

The organization has set up interrogation centers in former CIA ‘black sites’ where the offending officials will questioned using “enhanced interrogation techniques” such as sleep deprivation and water-boarding.

FIFA has contracted Blatter’s alter ego, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, to oversee the torture sessions.

FIFA Payoff Committee Votes To Increase The Minimum Bribe


ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.

FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”


“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”

“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”

Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.

Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland


ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.


“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.

Rick Santorum Escapes Hospital And Announces White House Bid

Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum sits on the set of Iowa Press before taping at the Iowa Public Television studios, Wednesday, March 26, 2014, in Johnston, Iowa. Santorum narrowly won the 2012 Iowa caucuses and has been ambivalent about whether he'll seek the GOP nomination a second time. (AP Photo/Charlie Neibergall)

CABOT, PENNSYLVANIA – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that former Pennsylvania senator and current religious kook Rick Santorum has escaped from the facility in which he was being held and has announced that he is running for president again.

The 57-year-old Santorum apparently borrowed enough cash to rent a condemned building near his hometown of Cabot and, flanked by out of work steelworkers and six of his seventeen children announced that he would be the “next President of the United States.”


“With the help of God and all those citizens who want to turn this great nation of ours into a Christian theocracy governed by our own special version of Sharia law, we will succeed,” Santorum told the adoring crowd of over three dozen supporters.

Santorum, who was placed in a mental health facility in rural Pennsylvania after comparing Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid to the Republican effort to keep health care from the poor, and supporting legislation to declare secularism a religion so it could not be taught in schools, is generally given a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning the GOP nomination.

Pulitzer Prize winning right-wing pundit and celebrated atheist George Will told Fox News that Santorum should change his name to “Rick Sanatorium” because it would “more accurately reflect his fucked up political and religious views.”

“The dude is crazier than a shithouse rat,” said Will.

Santorum announced that he will begin a sweep through rural areas of the Appalachian mountain chain next week to seek out people who are as nutty as he is so he can build a solid base of volunteers for his upcoming campaign.

Print Email Facebook Twitter More Have your say Fact check: Where do Australians get illegal guns?

Senator Bridget McKenzie claims the guns used in crime are mostly imported into Australia

  • The claim: Nationals Senator Bridget McKenzie says most guns used in crime are illegally imported rather than coming from licensed owners.
  • The verdict: ABC Fact Check could find no study or evidence that proved the majority of guns used to commit crimes are illegally imported. Comprehensive data on the source of illegal guns in Australia is lacking. Senator McKenzie’s claim is baseless.

Fact check: The Coalition’s stance on paid parental leave ‘double dipping

Prime Minister Tony Abbott says the Government announced a plan to end "double dipping" for PPL before the last election.

  • The claim: Prime Minister Tony Abbott says the Coalition announced plans to stop new mothers “double dipping” on paid parental leave before the 2013 election.
  • The verdict: The policy the Coalition took to the election didn’t include ending double dipping and ensured most working women would have a far better deal with their paid parental leave. A pre-election costings document did flag scrapping double dipping for public servants, but it didn’t say it would apply to women in the private sector. Mr Abbott’s claim is misleading.

Fact check: Did abolishing negative gearing push up rents?

Treasurer Joe Hockey says scrapping negative gearing pushed up rents in the 1980s.

  • The claim: Treasurer Joe Hockey says abolishing negative gearing could push up rents, because that’s what happened in the 1980s.
  • The verdict: During the period negative gearing was abolished rents notably increased only in Sydney and Perth. Other factors, including high interest rates and the share market boom, were also contributors to rent increases at the time. Mr Hockey’s claim doesn’t stack up.

Fact check: Did the Government inherit the ‘worst set of accounts’ in history?

Julie Bishop wrong on the history of Australia's financial accounts

  • The claim: Deputy Liberal Leader Julie Bishop says the Abbott Government inherited the worst set of financial accounts in Australia’s history.
  • The verdict: Large borrowings to finance Australia’s participation in World War I and World War II and the impact of the Great Depression led to much higher deficits and levels of debt than any government has experienced since. The Howard Government also inherited more gross and net debt and a higher budget deficit relative to GDP than the Abbott Government. Ms Bishop is wrong.

Fact check: Tony Abbott’s claim Labor spent like ‘drunken sailors’ in office is spin

Prime Minister Tony Abbott says Labor's spending was out of control.

  • The claim: Prime Minister Tony Abbott says growth in spending is lower under the Coalition than it was under Labor.
  • The verdict: Experts say Labor’s one-off stimulus spending to combat the GFC distorts Mr Abbott’s comparison, and opposition in the Senate to proposed spending cuts could change the estimates for the Abbott Government. What’s more, measured as a proportion of gross domestic product, spending under the Abbott Government has been higher than in all but one of Labor’s years in government. Mr Abbott’s claim is spin.

Robert Reich’s Documentary ” Inequality for All”

ROBERT B. REICH, Chancellor’s Professor of Public Policy at the University of California at Berkeley and Senior Fellow at the Blum Center for Developing Economies, was Secretary of Labor in the Clinton administration. Time Magazine named him one of the ten most effective cabinet secretaries of the twentieth century. He has written thirteen books, including the best sellers “Aftershock” and “The Work of Nations.” His latest, “Beyond Outrage,” is now out in paperback. He is also a founding editor of the American Prospect magazine and chairman of Common Cause. His new film, “Inequality for All,” is now available on Netflix, iTunes, DVD, and On Demand.

Muhammad Distances Himself From Islamic State


MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.

The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.

“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”


Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.

“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”

Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.

At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.

God Vows To Destroy Ireland The First Chance He Gets


PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.

“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”


The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.

The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”

The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.

“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.

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