China is showing once again they’re working to lead the way on renewable energy, even as they battle pollution issues, and recently they’ve made great strides. They’re now the largest producer of…
President Donald Trump and his top aides have spent the first weeks of his tenure at war with the press, viciously lashing out at journalists and seeking to delegitimize outlets that produce critical reporting.But Trump doesn’t consider every reporter a dishonest member of the opposition party. As he has sought to make clear over the past
Source: Donald Trump Wants Total Subservience From Interviewers
WASHINGTON – So far it hasn’t been such a good week for slimy pedophile cretin, Clorox victim, and vile swamp thing Milo Yiannopoulos.
On Monday, the organizers of the Conservative Political Action Conference rescinded their invitation for him to be their keynote speaker at their annual hatefest taking place at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland. Simon & Schuster said it was canceling publication of “Dangerous” after standing by him through weeks of criticism of the deal. And Breitbart itself was reportedly reconsidering his role amid calls online for it to sever ties with him.
The polemical Breitbart editor and unapologetic defender of the alt-right, tested the limits of how far his provocations could go after the publication of a video in which he condones sexual relations with boys as young as 13 and laughs off the seriousness of pedophilia by Roman Catholic priests.
“We initially extended the invitation knowing that the free speech issue on college campuses is a battlefield where we need brave, conservative standard-bearers,” Matt Schlapp, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, said in a written statement. “Normally we are proud to have Nazis, fake Christians, and other deplorable motherfuckers speak to us at CPAC; it gets us horny and ready for a night on the town in some of D.C.’s best brothels.
“However, as cute as he is, Milo went a little too far this time. Having sex with underage boys and girls is fine with us as is other deviant behavior, as long as it’s kept secret. When you come out into the open about this stuff it can be problematic,” said the hypocritical asshole.
“I don’t want anyone to worry,” continued a profusely sweating Schlapp. “CPAC is proud to have had some of the most hypocritical ministers, sociopathic politicians, and other subhuman monsters of the right wing speak at our convention, and trust me, this year will be no exception.”
Mr. Schlapp told reporters that the ACU had reached out to Rocky Suhayda, leader of the American Nazi Party, and David Duke to see if either one of them could take Yiannopoulos’ place as keynote speaker.
As of noon today Yiannopoulos was unavailable for comment regarding his sudden fall from grace. Sources tell the Times-Picayune that he is on holiday with Ann Coulter torturing small animals in a wildlife preserve just across the Mexican border.
What a sniveling little baby.
Source: PATHETIC: Milo Whines To His Fans About How Mean Everyone Is Being To Him (VIDEO) – US Uncut
WASHINGTON – The White House released a statement today expressing its shock and sadness that up-and-coming civil rights leader Frederick Douglass has remained silent regarding the recent tragedy in Bowling Green, Kentucky in which a number of white Christians were slaughtered by refugees from the Middle East.
“Mr. Douglass’ continued silence can mean only one thing;” said the statement, “that he secretly applauds the actions of these bloodthirsty terrorists who have infiltrated our homeland.”
The perpetrators, an elderly Syrian woman and her seven-year-old granddaughter, had apparently hidden themselves within the tens of thousands of refugees currently flooding every city in the country.
“Somehow they just slipped through the cracks,” said a Homeland Security officer who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of being executed by the Administration.
“Our usual method is to just back a ship up to a dock in some port in Yemen and let anyone who wants to jump on board. We make damn sure they aren’t terrorists by making them fill out a three-page questionnaire, and swearing it’s true while putting their hand on a Bible. I can’t imagine how those two managed outwit our vetting process. They must be real masterminds.”
Kellyanne Conway told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press today that given the seriousness of the situation the Administration will have to re-think its relationship with Mr. Douglass and other civil rights leaders.
“If Mr. Douglass and his fellow black leaders aren’t even going to acknowledge the tragic loss of life in Bowling Green, then if you ask me they have no place in American society.”
Conway then went outside the studio, mounted her unicorn, and rode back to the White House.
By Cooter Jackson, Editor-in-Chief
MUD LAKE, NV—Well friends, it finally happened. Them Government thugs finally came to drag ol’ Cooter away.
I thought I was finally safe, after our Dear Leader Trump took office. I thought that with the Lizard Queen vanquished, I could finally relax a bit. How wrong I was.
It started out as such a great day in Mud Lake. I’d finally caught that chupacabra that had been getting into my trash cans. This was no simple task, I assure you. I constructed a simple, Elmer-Fudd style trap for the little fella, but that was the easy part.
You see, it’s well known that Chupacabras are predators that hunt by tracking psychic brain waves. Of course, lacking their natural prey in this dimension, they resort to sucking the blood out of domestic livestock. Anyway, they locate their prey with sensitive psychic antennae, making them almost impossible to surprise. But I was prepared. Using a finely tuned mixture of absinthe, diphenhydramine cough syrup, Adderal, and powdered monkey scrotum, I was able to neutralize my brain wave frequencies, masking them within the normal psychic pulsations of the planet. I then concealed myself in the pile of discarded beer cans and pizza boxes next to my trailer, and waited for the little guy to fall into my trap.
Long story short, that chupacabra never saw me coming.
Turns out, chupacabras look an awful lot like mangy raccoons. To the untrained eye, that is. But this little fella was pretty upset with me. I decided I’d name him Chupey, and we were gonna be best friends. I was so busy chasin’ him around the inside of my trailer, tryin’ to convince him to accept my love, that I didn’t hear the helicopter until it was too late. I was tryin’ to pry Chupey out from behind the refrigerator when finally, I heard them knocking on the door. When I answered, there at my doorstep were two hulking government thugs. The Men in Black. They found me at last.
“Wait a second here, fellas,” I said, “Trump won. We’re on the same team now.”
It didn’t matter a bit. They chucked a black bag over my head and then beat on me—with what felt like gym socks full of nickels—until I passed out.
A few hours later, I woke up. I was tied to a chair in a dark room with a cement floor. A single bright light shone right at my face. “You cold-blooded lizard bastards!” I screamed. “You think you can get away with this? When Trump hears that you’ve escaped from your dimensional exile, he’s going to be pissed!”
I was interrupted by a voice from behind the light. “Are you Cooter P. Jackson, writer and publisher of The Mud Lake Proboscis?”
I struggled against my bonds, squinting into the white glare of the spotlight. “Hell yes I am!” I asserted. “You just wait until I expose you cold-blooded animals with my hard-hitting journalism!”
The man behind the light chuckled. He said, “So, you sincerely believe that our government is at constant risk of being infiltrated and subverted by trans-dimensional Lizard People?”
“You’re damned right I do!” I yelled. “You just wait until our Dear Leader gets hold of you scaly bastards! He’ll wring your scrawny neck with his entirely normal-sized fingers!”
“Hmm . . . and you seem to believe In UFOs, the flat earth theory, the lost continent of Atlantis, Bigfoot, and leprechauns?”
“Well, that’s a gross oversimplification,” I responded. “How would you like it if I boiled down your entire Lizard cultural belief system to one sentence?”
“Our information also indicates that you have only a sixth-grade education?”
“I don’t need no fancy education to see the truth!” I said. “Einstein didn’t need no education to come up with that theory of evolution.”
“But, Einstein held a doctorate in . . . oh, nevermind. Moving on. According to our reports, you’ve been arrested more than sixty-five times, on charges ranging from public intoxication to harassing livestock. And you had most of your temporal lobe removed, after using high explosives to try to blast cocaine into your nostrils.”
I nodded. “Yes, but that’s but an arugula of the brain that’s not belfry important.”
The voice spoke again, deep and sinister. “Well, Mr. Jackson. We’ve reviewed your file, and come to a conclusion. In the new world that we’re creating, there’s only one thing to be done with individuals like yourself.”
“Just try it, you scaly bastards!” I screamed. “I’ve been inoculating myself with ethylene glycol antifreeze for months! You try to feed your grub children on my pasty flesh, and they’ll drop dead!”
“Oh, it’s much worse than that, Mr. Jackson.” Someone turned on the main lights. Sitting at a desk behind the spotlight was a gray haired, overweight man, disheveled like someone who’s been living in an airport for a week. “We’re not going to feed you to any lizard grubs. We’re going to make you Secretary of Education.”
“Whut,” I said.
The man said, “Hello, Cooter. I’m Steve Bannon, Donald Trump’s Obergruppen—I mean, Chief of Staff. When I saw the Mud Lake Proboscis, I knew that we had to get you onboard. Your brand of batshit crazy, reality-averse, disjointed rambling is exactly the kind of thing we like to see in our spokesmen and cabinet appointees.”
“So, wait, why with the kidnapping, and the black bag, and the beating?”
Bannon laughed. “Oh, I just find it adds a bit of panache to the selection process. Don’t you think? Betsy Devos can take a kidney punch like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Well, I don’t doubt that.”
“Of course, there’s still that pesky confirmation process. Don’t you worry about any of that. But, just to prepare, we have to ask you a few more questions.”
“Okay. Can you untie me?”
“No.”
So, then Mr. Bannon asked me a whole bunch more questions, about everything from Lemurians to my burning hatred for liberal traitors. With every answer I gave, Mr. Bannon got more and more excited. By the end, he was all sweaty, and his jowls were quivering like a bulldog that’s about to get fed some pork chops. And then finally, he leaned in close and said, “Mr. Jackson, tell me: What do you think about the Jews???”
I blinked a few times. “The Jews? Oh, they’re alright, I guess.”
“Alright? They’re alright? No conspiracy theories you’d like to expound on? No sinister plots? No dastardly alliances? No hidden organizations bent on world domination?”
“Nah,” I answered, “The Lizard People basically have that sewed up. I mean, the Mole People are trying, bless their hearts, but the Lizards are in a whole other league. If the Beetle Men would get their act together they might be contenders, but so far they’re more concerned with internal politics.”
“But surely you know about the Jews . . .”
“Oh yeah, sure. I’ve seen Blazing Saddles like a hundred times. I love Mel Gibson movies.”
Bannon stared at me in disbelief. “Wait, you’ve never heard of the Jewish banker’s plot to control the world?”
“I mean, I’ve heard of it. But it seems a little far-fetched, you know?”
Bannon’s face fell. He sighed and waved his hand. “You can go, Mr. Jackson.”
“Wait, but wasn’t I gonna be secretary of abdication?”
“You may go.”
After that they put the bag back over my head and beat on me some more. When I came to, I was back in my trailer in Mud Lake.
I guess that’s the way it goes. I’ll never know what went wrong, but I sure am sad about losing my chance to serve my Dear Leader. But at least now I’ve got Chupey to keep me company. He’s been coming around. He only bit me three or four times today, and it’s gotten to where he’ll eat right out of my hand. He gets so excited to see me that he starts foaming at the mouth.
With many Muslims now banned from entering the United States, some have been left with no choice but to pretend to be Christian – a desperate measure first perfected by Republican politicians.
Following the lead of Republicans, thousands of Americans born in majority Muslim countries are claiming to live by a certain set of morals and beliefs, without actually putting those beliefs into practice.
“If you’re desperate to get in, and saying you believe in Jesus is what it takes to get in, then you do it,” one Republican Senator, said, adding that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again at the next election.
“When your livelihood is on the line, you’ll say and do whatever it takes,” said Ahmed Al-Bayati – an Iraqi man living in the United States – and Robert Johnson, a Republican Senator.
“I follow the teachings of Jesus, just like Mr Trump does,” Mr Al-Bayati said.
“So do I,” Senator Johnson added.
PEARLY GATES – For generations religious kooks from all across America have claimed that the country was founded on Christian principles and is indeed a “Christian nation,” whatever the hell that means. However, their credibility took a big hit this morning when Jesus Christ, the Son of God, held a brief news conference in which he distanced himself from the United States in general and the Trump Administration in particular.
“I just want everyone on earth to know that I do not in any way support the actions of this pubescent orangutan,” said Jesus, referring to President Trump. “It’s a damn shame that an entire planet has to suffer because one man is insecure about the size of his penis.”
“Furthermore, I’ve had it up to here with a bunch of cretins running around making idiotic laws in my name. Most of these folks wouldn’t recognize me if I came up and bit them on the ass. What is it with these people? Can’t they read? I guess the whole New Testament was a fucking waste of time.
“It’s days like today that I appreciate the work of my less popular cousin, Lucifer. There are gonna be a lot of evangelicals who are in for a nice warm surprise.”
“In closing, I’d like to say unequivocally that the United States is a far cry from a Christian nation. Any country that rejects refugees fleeing famine, war, and persecution should be ashamed of itself. I was once a refugee and I know what’s it’s like. I’m seriously considering a series of sanctions, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tidal waves, and a plague of orange cane toads for every state that voted for that asshole. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got soccer practice.”
After the press conference the White House immediately issued a statement saying that Jesus was spreading “fake news” and if he keeps it up he’ll suffer the consequences.
The Reverend Franklin Graham went on CNN and told viewers that Jesus had no idea what he was talking about and urged Jesus to get to know Trump personally. “If the Lord would just take time off from his other pursuits and meet with Trump I’m sure he’d change his mind,” said Graham, as the blood of a recently devoured infant ran down his chin.
Republican leaders were unavailable for comment, but an aide to Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said that he was trying to decide which way to go on the matter.
“Speaker Ryan is in the process of determining whether it would be better to support God or President Trump. After all, he has his political future to protect,” said the aide on condition of anonymity.
In a stunningly successful first week for the Trump administration, the US has seen the creation of over two million new facts, spurred on by increased confidence and growing productivity.
Fact-creation was one of Mr Trump’s key policies during the presidential campaign, but even he is said to be surprised by the growth achieved in just the first seven days.
Analysts have put the growth down to the ‘Trump Effect’, which has seen a boom in investment in the fact-making industry, which is now close to capacity.
In other first week data, unemployment is down eight percentage points, growth is up eleven per-cent and America’s trade balance is back in positive territory.
Donald Trump opted for the tone of his campaign rallies over anything presidential, casting this inauguration as more special than all that had gone before it.
Source: Donald Trump Inauguration speech: a promise to Americans, a warning to the world
Moody’s Corp agrees to pay nearly $1.1 billion to settle claims it gave inflated ratings to risky mortgage investments leading up to the financial crisis.
A dumped One Nation candidate says Pauline Hanson is not in control of her own party, and her controversial chief-of-staff James Ashby is running the show.
Source: James Ashby running One Nation: dumped candidate Shan Ju Lin
Victorians are more anxious about crime than any other state.
Donald Trump’s relationship with the 1.6 billion Muslims currently living on planet Earth is looking more than a little bit shaky, to say the least. During his presidential campaign, he called for a total ban on Muslims entering the country. He later toned down his threat, promising instead to temporarily suspend immigration from countries that have […]
Source: ISIS Release Horrifying Statement About Donald Trump
ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump. “Just to be perfectly clear, speaking or behaving in a manner similar to President-elect Trump is just as unacceptable now as it has ever been,” the reports stated, adding that in zero percent of cases is it even borderline permissible to conduct oneself either personally or professionally in a fashion akin to Trump, and that has not changed in the past two days. “In fact, acting like Mr. Trump does for even a moment will result in a wide range of negative social—and in some cases, criminal—consequences for you personally. Put simply, you should not be engaging with the world in any way comparable to Mr. Trump. This was true before he was elected, and it will be true long after he’s gone.” At press time, the reports’ findings were being summarily dismissed out of hand by roughly 45 percent of the nation’s population in a manner identical to that of Donald Trump.
Hillary Clinton’s embrace of neoliberalism was disastrous. The only answer now is to take on the billionaires
Source: It was the rise of the Davos class that sealed America’s fate | Naomi Klein | Opinion | The Guardian
Americans have sent the strongest possible message to the nation’s establishment, electing a 70 year-old rich white man from New York.
“We really showed them,” one Republican voter said today. “Those elites with all the power and money can go shove it!”
“This wasn’t a race between Democrat and Republican,” another voter pointed out, “It was a race between the establishment, and an interloper who just happens to own his own building on Wall Street”.
“Jesus H Fuckety fucking fuck fuck fuck,” the world said in a carefully-worded statement today.
Still trying to come to terms with the fact that a supposedly advanced nation had elected a pseudo-fascist, egotistical, infantile arseclown, the world said it would close its eyes, slowly count to ten and hope that this whole thing was just some kind of sick joke gone wrong.
The world’s leading economists expressed concern at the turn of events, releasing a statement that said the global economic outlook is ‘literally fucked’.
Foreign policy specialists were more optimistic, saying the future was ‘on the balance of probabilities, totally fucking fucked’.
More to come.
The electorate has, in its plurality, decided to live in Trump’s world of vanity, hate, arrogance, untruth, and recklessness.
Things are looking good for the Democratic nominee.
PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.
“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.
“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”
Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.
Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.
“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.’”
When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!
“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”
Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.
Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.
When Free Speech is a Punch Down and Free for Bill Leak but the right of Reply remains an unaffordable cost for individual Indigenous Australians who don’t have the resources with which to defend themselves.
Bill Leak’s cartoons published in the Australian this week are so offensive. Seeing these pictures in a national broadsheet (the only national broadsheet) has just left me so utterly gobsmacked that I cannot say anything.
olddogthoughts 
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