MADISON – (CT&P) -Senator, cheesedick, and all around despicable human being Ted Cruz romped to victory Tuesday in the Wisconsin primary, dealing a setback to fellow miscreant Donald Trump and complicating the front-runner’s efforts to win the delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination without a fight at this summer’s Republican convention.
The primary contest offered just 42 of the 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the nomination before the party convenes in July.
But with the count expected to be very close, every delegate has come to matter and Tuesday’s win helped Cruz slice Trump’s delegate lead, albeit narrowly.
Speaking to cheering supporters in Milwaukee, Cruz declared his primary win a turning point.
“It is a rallying cry,” the Texas senator said. “It is a call from the hard-working men and women from Wisconsin to the people of America. We have a choice. We have a real choice.”
For one of the few times in his life, Senator Cruz was correct.
Republicans can choose between a giant bipedal orange dick and a subhuman monster that should have been ripped from his mother’s womb during the first trimester of pregnancy.
Exit polls in Wisconsin indicated that Wisconsin Republicans were not so much voting for Cruz but voting against Armageddon at the hands of a 12-year-old egomaniac from the bowels of Hell.
When asked what they thought of Ted Cruz as a human being, 38% of Cruz voters said that he was an “extremely dangerous religious kook who wants to institute Christian sharia in America,” while 27% said that he was an “odious cretin hatched from an egg in a former Eastern Bloc bio-weapons lab.”
18% of respondents said that they were convinced that Cruz was in fact the Zodiac Killer, 12% said he was the Antichrist, while 5% said that they had no clue what the fuck Cruz was, but he was better than Donald Trump.
100% of those polled said that they had no desire to vote for Cruz, but because the Republican party was so fucked up they felt they had no choice.
Cruz campaign manager Herbert Mephistopheles told CNN that he hopes the Wisconsin victory will propel the senator into the convention in July with enough delegates to wreak all kinds of havoc and wreck the Republican Party for generations to come.
As global wealth concentrates in fewer hands, the world’s wealthy are shifting trillions to offshore havens to escape taxation, accountability, and publicity.
Source: The Panama Papers Expose the Hidden Wealth of the World’s Super-Rich | The Nation
The tricky question of who will confront Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin about an alleged $2 billion tax-avoidance scheme has been answered this evening, with former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott saying he’ll look after it.
“You bet you are, you bet I am,” Mr Abbott said, puffing his chest out slightly, when reporters asked if he was serious. Abbott reminded journalists he had form when it came to coercing Putin. He recounted the story of the time he strong-armed the Russian President into revealing whether or not he was behind the MH17 attack (he wasn’t, as it turns out).
Mr Abbott – who is re-contesting the next election on the promise of better transport links in his Warringah electorate – will meet with Mr Putin as part of his next international trip. Mr Putin responded to questions from reporters about the meet-up, saying
Saying the American people deserved to know the truth, US President Barack Obama made calls today for Republican frontrunner Donald Trump to release proof that he was born with the front part of his brain.
“It’s really quite simple,” Obama said at the White House today. “If you have a frontal lobe, just release the documentation to prove it”.
The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that gives humans the ability to project the consequences of actions, determine between good and bad, and to suppress socially offensive behaviour.
Obama said the whole matter could be put to rest in a matter of minutes. “Let’s just get this out in the open and move on. I produced the certificate showing I was born in America. Mr Trump should release the certificate that shows he was born with a conscience”.
Mr Trump responded to the claims by saying, “Well I think what’s important here is that if you go to Qatar you see airports the likes of which you have never seen before. Dubai, different places in China. You see infrastructure, you see airports, other things, the likes of which you have never seen here”.
Romesh Wijeyeratne discusses the simple economics behind ongoing bank corruption scandals and government inaction.
Donald Trump says he will put an end to the ‘unsustainable’ mass migration of birds to the US for the northern summer if he is elected President.
Trump told a packed rally in Arizona that the birds were taking advantage of the current administration’s weak border policies.
“Under President Obama, birds have been pouring across our borders unabated. Just look out your window and you’ll see them. All sorts of birds. Birds from Mexico, birds from Chile. Birds that look nothing like you or me.
“They’re taking advantage of our way of life. They’re taking our jobs, and shitting all over our children. A lot of them, they come here just to have babies – anchor babies – so they think they’ve got some kind of claim to stay.
“Are we gonna stop this scam? You bet we are”.
Asked how exactly he would stop the birds, Trump said he would make America great again. “Look, we can bring back the American Dream. We’re bringing it back. People are asking me the question, ‘Is the American Dream dead?’ And it’s in trouble, I can tell you. But we’re going to get it back and do some real jobs”.
Devastating poll that will put further pressure on the Coalition’s pre-budget planning.
Donald Trump called for more torture. Ted Cruz called for a ban on Syrian refugees. That’s precisely the way to strengthen Isis
Source: Here’s how not to respond to the Brussels attacks | Ken Gude | Opinion | The Guardian
BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Prime Minister Charles Michel raised Belgium’s terror threat level to Clusterfuck today after several cowardly religious kooks blew the shit out of the airport and subway in Brussels.
Clusterfuck is Belgium’s highest terror alert level, and its interior minister has ordered extra soldiers deployed to the streets and security at its ports and borders. All airport operations have been stopped and incoming flights diverted, while public transport has been halted in Brussels and trains and subway stations have been closed.
However, none of these actions are expected to do shit to help the situation because the terrorists are already in Belgium and have been for years.
Experts agree that Belgian authorities continue to ignore the root of the problem, which is the fact that they have a neighborhood in the heart of Brussels that acts a veritable welcome center for murderous goat-fucking Islamic thugs.
“Molenbeek is a neighborhood where bloodthirsty 7th Century Neanderthals can kick back and relax for a while, confident that none of the other residents will turn them in,” said Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (USA-Ret) earlier today on CNN.
“Until the Belgians grow a set of balls and plow through that miserable shithole with tanks and flamethrowers they’re going to continue to have this problem.
“As it turns out, it’s not such a great idea to invite a bunch of folks from a completely different culture into your country and then alienate the fuck out of them, denying them meaningful work and encouraging a sense of hopelessness in their youth. It’s slightly counterproductive.
“Now you have a bunch of disaffected people holed up together in what amounts to a slum with a bunch of bombs, rockets, and automatic weapons. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen?
“As far as I’m concerned what that neighborhood sorely needs right now is a bunch of heads on pikes. That’ll act as a little wake up call for those sitting on the fence. Then if we can manage to pry Belgian politicians’ heads out of their asses long enough to help these folks become real members of society, we might get somewhere.”
Although most pundits agree with Colonel Kurtz that integration is the key, U.S. Air Force General Jack Ripper told the same CNN panel that it’s too late to repair the mistakes of the past.
“The best solution here is to nuke Molenbeek and any other hotbed of Islamic terror festering in Europe, and I’ve already started the ball rolling,” said Ripper.
“My boys will give us the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop them now,” chuckled General Ripper.
Although it looks like General Ripper exceeded his authority in this instance and his actions have not been condoned by the United States or NATO, it seems it’s too late to do anything about it, so expect a change of scenery the next time you travel to western Europe.
Millions are more likely to see an influx from Europe as a source of competition, for jobs, for houses, for everything.
Source: World’s elite wisdom may no longer matter as new winners create losers
TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and all around despicable human being Rick Scott endorsed Donald Trump for president today. “With his victories yesterday, I believe it is now time for Republicans to accept and respect the will of the voters and coalesce behind Donald Trump,” Mr. Scott said in a post on Facebook.
The governor lamented the fact that he could not address the press directly on this matter, but said he was unable to do so because he was feeling lethargic after suffocating and devouring an infant this weekend during his once per month feeding session.
Scott, known to his intimates as Quetzalcoat, or “feathered serpent,” made clear his rationale: that the party will rip itself to shreds trying to stop someone with a clear path to the nomination.
“Ripping people to shreds is an activity that should be limited to state houses and governor’s mansions, and should only be done under the cover of night,” said the reincarnated Aztec deity.
“If we spend another four months tearing each other apart, we will damage our ability to win in November. It’s time for an end to the Republican on Republican violence and concentrate on tearing out the hearts and livers of minorities, illegal aliens, and their small children,” he wrote.
“It’s time for us to begin coming together, we’ve had a vigorous primary, now let’s get serious about taking over this country and turning it into a hell on earth.”
Scott responded to several comments that were critical of the governor backing a fascist asshole for president.
“Fascists have always gotten a bum rap as far as I’m concerned,” stated Scott.
“There’s a great deal to be said for intimidating a nation’s population through the use of concentration camps, perpetual war, and human sacrifice.
“I think if we all work together we can elect a man who will be universally despised by both the citizens of the United States and all the countries of the world. I can’t wait.”
Online magazine exposes epidemic of violence against women in remote Russian republic where religious, tribal and secular laws do battle
Source: ‘Funny’ stories from the frontlines of Dagestan’s gender war | World news | The Guardian
PYONGYANG – (CT&P) – Dear Attractive Benevolent Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed today that this week’s short-range missile tests a “resounding success.” A pair of advanced (for North Korea) Tinyschlong-2 missiles were launched from a secret base just outside the capital and crashed into the Sea of Japan just off the coast.
“Our target was the Sea of Japan, and by God we hit it,” said the Dearest Beloved Athletic Well-Hung Leader. “We will use our superior technology to crush all you capitalist pig-dogs in the mother of all battles.”
The pudgy lunatic declined to state when the battle would take place, but said it would sometime “real soon.”
Kim watched the tests from a rowboat powered by serfs chosen at random from among the starving populace.
The murderous asshole dictator was also on hand to watch a missile launch from a submerged submarine go awry when it circled lazily around in the air and then streaked off towards China.
The entire crew of the sub was later executed using anti-aircraft guns and hungry Alsatians.
After the massacre Kim told the malnourished North Korean press corps that although he does intend on turning the entire peninsular into a giant radioactive cauldron of death, he looked forward to dealing with Donald Trump after this year’s U.S. presidential election.
“We have a great deal in common and I’m sure we’ll be able to work together,” said Kim, as he sentenced 11,000 innocent civilians to life sentences in concentration camps along the Chinese border.
MIAMI – (CT&P) – Donald Trump celebrated his self-proclaimed victory in last night’s Republican presidential debate with a parade through downtown Miami today.
Trump marched at the head of a column of volunteers, supporters, and former foes such as Dr. Ben Carson, who only today endorsed the giant bipedal dick equipped with a smaller-than-average penis.
Carson told reporters that as a Christian, he was proud to endorse a fascist who incited violence, despised minorities, and had nothing good to say about anyone other than himself.
“Donald is quite a guy, and I think he has what it takes to convince a bunch of idiots that he can ‘Make America Great Again,’” said the former neurosurgeon as he popped a Xanax. “And I’m really looking forward to this parade because it reminds me of the parades that Joseph used to lead around the pyramids. Besides, there’s supposed to be free hot dogs and cotton candy later.”
The parade lasted over three hours, and thousands of Trump’s poorly educated voters lined the route and waved enthusiastically at the Mussolini clone.
“I’m proud to be here and proud to support Trump,” said Cleetus Reclinerpilot, a supporter who barely graduated from sixth grade. “I can’t wait till we kick that negra out of the White House so we can start buildin’ that wall!”
Trump was expected to take a brief nap to recharge his batteries before boarding his $100 million dollar 757 to go convince other poorly educated and poverty-stricken white folks to vote for him.
Former AFL footballer Billy Brownless was a bit of a dill last night, comparing his misses to his wallet. But the truth is the two things are easy to mix up: one’s an inanimate object, the other is the thing you keep your money and credit cards in.
Us blokes have all done it at least once in our lives. Here are five signs that it might be happening to you.
1. You accidently introduce your wallet to your mate’s friend you’ve just met: You meet someone for the first time and you try to do the right thing, pulling your wallet out and saying “I’d like you to meet …” before realising it’s your wallet. Embarrassing!
2. You say ‘I’m home honey’ to your wallet: Sooo dumb! Your wallet already knows you’re home, because it’s sitting in the back pocket of your jeans.
3. You try to ‘touch on’/’tap on’ your wife, instead of your Myki/Opal card: Sydney and Melbourne readers will be familiar with this silly mistake. You’re headed into the train station, about to go through the barriers, and then you accidently pick up your wife to register your ticket. Awkward!
4. You take your wallet on a date night: Admit it, you’ve done this one. You’re sitting at a fancy restaurant, sipping on a nice wine, and then it occurs to you that the conversation has been a bit … one-sided. Ahhh! It’s your wallet on the other side of the table, not the woman you married!
5. You try to have sex with your mate’s wallet: After a lot of drinks, this can happen, but it’s an absolute no-no. Your mate’s wallet is strictly his possession.
Andrew Bolt and his ilk more than any other industry are persuaders who battle for our hearts and minds while hiding, distracting and distorting the information news and facts we need to operate as as true Democracy. The only feeling they offer the Australian public in 2016 is expresses here.
LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.
Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.
“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.
“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”
The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.
“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.
“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.
Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott says he will be happy to confirm or deny rumours of a relationship with his chief of staff Peta Credlin, but will need to run it by her first.
“If there was in fact an affair, then she’ll know about it,” Mr Abbott said today.
“She managed the day-to-day. I never got caught up in that level of detail”.
Mr Abbott said Ms Credlin would certainly know about anything that came across her desk.
TeleSur | – – Researchers say they were shocked to learn that Islam receives more negative coverage than cancer. The New York …
Source: The New York Times Presents Islam More Negatively than Cancer and Cocaine | Informed Comment
Renowned linguist, philosopher and activist Noam Chomsky has criticized Turkish President »»
Source: Chomsky says Erdoğan’s policies moving in dangerous direction
Today the Federal Government announced that it will send South Australian senator Cory Bernardi on a 3-month secondment to the United Nations.
It’s a well-deserved appointment – acknowledgement for Bernardi’s recent work on diversity, inclusion and fairness – all principles the UN holds dear.
But in his rush to approve the appointment, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has overlooked one important consideration: who is going to make sure we don’t all have sex with donkeys while Mr Bernardi is away?
Since Mr Bernardi joined parliament in 2006, the incidence of bestiality in this country has been almost non-existent. He has worked tirelessly to ensure donkey sex – and dog, cat and rabbit sex – stays on the public agenda, but off the minds of young, impressionable teenagers. Particularly gays.
It’s a difficult, often thankless task, but one that is absolutely vital. You should not take for granted that even when you’re not thinking about having sex with an animal, Mr Bernardi is, on your behalf. For that he deserves our praise.
But with the Senator out of the country for three months, things could change, and quickly. When a mother turns away, children are inclined to play up. And in the same way, when Mr Bernardi leaves our shores, we will likely give in to the temptation to roger a cow. Or worse, legalise same sex marriage.
It is, as the Senator himself has said, a slippery slope. One minute we’re booked to take the family away on a cheap and cheerful farm-stay holiday, the next it’s been redefined as a romantic weekend away for one.
We need Mr Bernardi to keep an eye on us, and to guide us in the right direction. We urge Mr Turnbull to re-think his decision.
Choosing a Presidential candidate is not the same as choosing which contestant will go through to the next round of a celebrity cooking show, the world has reminded the US.
“I want to remind you that this is actual real life. You are actually choosing the guy who will be President – not which show to watch on TV tonight,” a spokesperson said.
“Just for clarity, this is to decide who will be in line to RUN THE COUNTRY. Not who will go through to the grand finale”.
But the explanation was met with confusion in the US. “Great summary, when does this next episode start?” Chirs Harris of Georgia said.
“I just like the sounds and the flashing lights. I hope he spins up top dollar in the next round,” Barbara Mason of Virginia said.
Hank McMannon from Texas said he loved a good drama series. “Such great characters. And that Klu Klux Klan scene – wow! Gripping stuff”.
The spokesperson explained that it was a lot more complex than that. “He’ll have the fucking nuclear codes – don’t you get that?”
“So it’s a war movie?” McMannon said.
Mr Bolt has frequently authored columns defending Cardinal Pell, calling the royal commission a “witch hunt”.
Source: Andrew Bolt hired by Sky News Australia to report on Royal Commission in Rome
Immigration Minister Peter Dutton says the asylum seeker baby dubbed ‘Asha’ will be returned to Nauru as soon as physically possible, warning that a softer stance could be interpreted as humane.
In a doorstop interview this afternoon, Mr Dutton said Australia had to be very careful not to set a precedent. “Some people say we should just let certain asylum seekers stay. That’s a slippery slope towards compassion,” he said.
“You spare one infant from hell, and then every infant expects you’ll do the same for them. You’re nice to one human, and then every human expects you to be nice. I’ve seen it happen myself. Well, someone’s told me about it happening,” he said.
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull backed his minister’s stance. “Compassion is not some sort of renewable resource. We’d run out of compassion before the end of the week”.
CANBERRA — Immigration Minister Peter Dutton survived two potentially embarrassing motions against him in parliament on Monday, as the fallout from the Baby Asha asylum seeker case stretches on.D
Source: Peter Dutton Survives Censure Over ‘Ugly,’ ‘Disgusting’ Baby Asha Comments
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull provided a sneak peek of his new cabinet to journalists today – a beautifully restored antiquity he bought at auction last week.
Mr Turnbull told reporters it was time to end the uncertainty. “There’s been a great deal of speculation about my new cabinet for some weeks. So I thought it appropriate to show the Australian people now,” the Prime Minister said today. “It’s a fine piece. It complements the Monet in the hallway so well”.
Mr Turnbull said he believed the new cabinet would serve him well for many years to come. “It has so much to offer. Until you’ve actually had a Ming to rest your coffee on or put your feet up on, it’s really hard to appreciate their beauty. Every home should have one.”
He said there were a few leaks and several weak spots in his cabinet, but that overall it was in good condition.
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