TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and all around despicable human being Rick Scott endorsed Donald Trump for president today. “With his victories yesterday, I believe it is now time for Republicans to accept and respect the will of the voters and coalesce behind Donald Trump,” Mr. Scott said in a post on Facebook.
The governor lamented the fact that he could not address the press directly on this matter, but said he was unable to do so because he was feeling lethargic after suffocating and devouring an infant this weekend during his once per month feeding session.
Scott, known to his intimates as Quetzalcoat, or “feathered serpent,” made clear his rationale: that the party will rip itself to shreds trying to stop someone with a clear path to the nomination.
“Ripping people to shreds is an activity that should be limited to state houses and governor’s mansions, and should only be done under the cover of night,” said the reincarnated Aztec deity.
“If we spend another four months tearing each other apart, we will damage our ability to win in November. It’s time for an end to the Republican on Republican violence and concentrate on tearing out the hearts and livers of minorities, illegal aliens, and their small children,” he wrote.
“It’s time for us to begin coming together, we’ve had a vigorous primary, now let’s get serious about taking over this country and turning it into a hell on earth.”
Scott responded to several comments that were critical of the governor backing a fascist asshole for president.
“Fascists have always gotten a bum rap as far as I’m concerned,” stated Scott.
“There’s a great deal to be said for intimidating a nation’s population through the use of concentration camps, perpetual war, and human sacrifice.
“I think if we all work together we can elect a man who will be universally despised by both the citizens of the United States and all the countries of the world. I can’t wait.”
MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.
Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”
Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.
Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.
He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.
Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.
“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.
Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”
It’s time for formal charges to be pursued against Republicans who were complicit in this.