THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.
“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?’”
According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.
The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.
Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.
Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.
Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.
Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.
“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”
Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.
“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.’”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.
“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”
Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.
“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”
When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”
“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”
“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.
“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.
When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”
Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.
When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.
Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.
Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.
Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”
When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.
“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.
“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”
When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.
“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”
Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.
“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”
When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.
Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.
“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.
Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.
“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.
“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”
“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”
On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.
Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”
It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Numbnuts, dickheads, and reactionary assholes scrambled to the nearest microphones this morning to praise freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s remarks on Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” The goofy-looking senator from Arkansas made the remarks to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer during an appearance on The Situation Room.
Cotton, like many other right-wing nutjobs, compared the law to the one signed by President Clinton in his first year in office. Apparently he has not read either law or he is so mentally deficient he is unable to tell the difference between the two.
Then, in a breathtaking example of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance, Cotton told Blitzer that gays should be glad they live in the United States instead of elsewhere.
“In Iran they hang you for the crime of being gay,” said Cotton. “They’re currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in Iran. We should focus on the most important priorities that our country faces right now. And I would say that a nuclear armed Iran, given the threat it poses … is the most important thing we could be focusing on right now.”
Cotton, you may recall, is the celebrated author of the famous letter to Iran concerning constitutional law in the United States. The letter was criticized by pundits and political leaders of all stripes for undermining the president at a critical time. The fact that the letter was inaccurate and written in crayon did not help matters either.
Cotton, who has a six-year-old’s grasp of the issues, is apparently able to concentrate on only one issue at a time and seems unaware that his home state of Arkansas is desperately trying to avoid becoming the target for boycotts and outrage over its own “Religious Freedom Act.”
Regardless, idiots came out of the woodwork to praise Cotton for his willingness to stand up for bigotry and hate wherever it rears its ugly head.
John Bowles, 2008 presidential candidate for the American Nazi Party, told reporters that “I’m damn proud of Tom for standing up for the rights of religious fanatics everywhere. It’s high time someone stood up for bigoted assholes!”
Judge Roy Moore, Alabama’s rogue judge and cretinous zealot, said “Tom Cotton is the kind of guy all of us ignorant rednecks can support wholeheartedly! I hope he decides to run for president!”
Actor, lunatic, and Biblical scholar Phil Robertson remarked, “Tom is just the kind of politician this country needs to lead us back to a time when black people were happy in the cotton fields and gays and lesbians were executed in the town square.” Robertson then went on a 20 minute diatribe about atheists and their genitals.
Cotton is sure to be the target of outrage from every intelligent member of the media and the public for his remarks, but this is nothing new for the senator, and it does not seem to faze him in the least. He seems to let it roll off him like mud off a hog’s back.
For our sake we can only hope that Senator Cotton is “overwhelmed by the Spirit,” and decides to follow his true calling by going on tour in the Middle East and Iran preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.
FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.
The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.
The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary. Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university. While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.
Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.
However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.
The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.
Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.
“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”
“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”
According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”
“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”
In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.
“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”
Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.
“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.
“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.
The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.
“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”
The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.
When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”
“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”
Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be shedding his skin again in early April, according to an aide. The aide stated that as is usually the case during the procedure, Governor Scott would unavailable for about three days as he walks around the Governor’s Mansion naked while rubbing up against rough surfaces. The shedding comes as a surprise because it will be taking place a full three weeks ahead of schedule, as the serpent-politician usually exuviates only once every two months, and he last cast off his epidermis in late February.
“The governor’s decision to molt earlier than scheduled was due to a combination of factors,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous because the last person to disclose private information about Scott ended up on an altar in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
“For one thing, Governor Scott wanted nice colorful scales for Easter,” said the aide. “He has several events scheduled where he will be hunting Easter eggs with kids and wanted to look good for the cameras. Also, the governor will be taking advantage of the glut in Easter Bunny inventory at pet stores around Tallahassee by feeding on some of the more tasty looking lagomorphs. He always likes to have nice, fresh, flexible skin when devouring large rodents or hares.”
“Finally, the governor picked up some annoying parasites during the annual Xipe Totec equinox celebration, which took place on March 20th. It seems that while wearing the skin of an illegal farm worker he picked up some blood-sucking mites. The governor had earlier flayed the man alive and run around the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion dancing and chanting in order to celebrate and give thanks to the god of agriculture, vegetation, and the seasons. Since the governor is already anemic, he felt he needed to slough off his old skin and rid himself of the bugs rather than risk infection.”
The aide emphasized that although the molting was taking place earlier than scheduled, the governor’s old skin will be auctioned off for charity in the usual fashion. All proceeds will benefit the children of the migrant farm workers and state prisoners that the governor regularly sacrifices in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – (CT&P) – Sunni and Shia Muslim religious leaders signed a historic agreement yesterday that will allow them to keep killing each other “indefinitely.” The agreement, which was mediated by some British dude in white robes, is being heralded by the United Nations as the “first of its kind” in the hot and cold relations between the two groups.
“Although it’s not quite the outcome we had hoped for, it’s really nice to see the two sides coming together and discussing their differences,” said Kahamba Kutesa, President of the U.N. “We hope that this accord is the beginning of a glorious journey down the road to “peace in our time.”
Both groups seemed pleased with the results and look forward to continued bloodshed with the assurance that the other side will be just as brutal and inhumane as the other.
“I haven’t seen this kind of progress since the 7th century,” said Mohammed Abdulaziz Daud Skyhook, lead negotiator for the Sunnis. “This agreement will allow us to glorify God by butchering those with whom we have a theological disagreement without the nagging fear that they may suddenly want to cooperate and live together in peace. Praise Allah!”
Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Abd-El-Kader Birdadda, Shia representative at the talks, agreed. “This treaty will allow us to slaughter our brother Muslims till the ‘camels come home.’ We are truly excited and look forward to making many martyrs who will shortly be able to kick back in Paradise and participate in wild lizardlike sex with many virgins.”
Both sides expressed their desire to increase the rate of bloodletting to a “crescendo of doom” throughout the Middle East and surrounding areas.
“We hope to top the current record of 10 million people murdered in the name of God currently held by Protestants and Catholics during the Thirty Years War,” said Birdadda. “With the help of modern weaponry and the complete lack of empathy on both sides of this conflict, we think we can at least double the old record.”
Both sides stressed that the although the agreement was solely between Sunni and Shia, no restrictions were included that would prevent both sides from murdering Christians, Jews, atheists, or any other religious or non-religious groups in their spare time.
“After all, everyone has to have a hobby,” said Skyhook.
No further talks are scheduled until population levels drop below the level necessary to propagate the two murderous tribes of religious zealots.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’
When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”
After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”
“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”
“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”
Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.
King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.
Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Fox News enjoyed a slight increase in number of viewers during prime time last month from 2.5 to 2.63 million, according to the latest Nielson ratings. The increase was just enough to edge Fox viewers into fourth place in current cult standings, according the best available data.
The Fox News apologists edged out the anti-vaxxing crowd for the fourth spot.
Cult ratings are based purely on numbers of followers or believers as can be best determined by polling, membership lists, and other information that can be confirmed using generally acceptable methods.
Far and away the largest cult on the planet continues to be the Climate Change Denier’s Club, consisting of nearly 30% of the population of the United States and a few other idiots from around the world.
Next comes the Mormon Church, followed by the Young Earth Creationists, Fox News Artiodactyls, the Anti-Vaxxer’s Association, and the Insane Conspiracy Theorist’s League. Rounding out the top ten are Glenn Beck’s Confederacy of Dunces, the Ku Klux Klan, Scientologists, and the U.S. House of Representatives.
“We’re really excited about the growth of the cult,” said Sean Hannity, Fox News anchor and well-known asshat.
“We’re always looking for folks who will swallow our garbage hook, line, and sinker. More acolytes means more money for us and that’s always good. It also means we can continue to push our hateful right-wing agenda at the expense of real news. We see this as a win-win for the Republican Party and Fox News as well.”
During a recent interview Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton Lewis asked Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute just what the difference was between legitimate organizations and cults. Professor Hikita explained, “It’s sometimes difficult to differentiate because cult members can come from all areas of society and many of these nuts belong to more than one cult. Age, income, and level of education don’t seem to matter with these unhinged individuals.”
“The common denominator seems to be a combination of profound naiveté, an inability of the individual to engage in critical thought, and a desperate desire to have their own batshit ideas confirmed. I mean look at Scientology for example. You read their literature and say to yourself ‘who would believe that shit?’ and yet there are thousands of morons giving those cretins millions of dollars each year.”
“There are otherwise intelligent human beings walking around that deny evolution exists, who think that the moon landings were staged, who believe that George Bush orchestrated 9/11, and think that President Obama is the Antichrist trying to destroy Israel, it’s really depressing if you dwell on it too long.”
“The really alarming thing is that many of these people vote in our elections,” concluded Hikita. “God knows what the future holds for this country.”
Professor Hikita did hold out some hope for America, however. He believes that a series of educational reforms could go a long way in curtailing the growth of wingnut groups and batshit belief systems in the future.
“If we start putting more emphasis on science, keep religious belief systems in churches and out of schools, and concentrate on teaching history as it actually occurred, I think we have a chance. If not, then we are in for a load of shit.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) issued a statement from his office in D.C. this morning flatly denying that he had anything to do with a letter addressed to the White House which contained cyanide. The letter tested positive for the deadly chemical at an off-site mail screening facility on Tuesday, according to the Secret Service.
“We have nothing to do with this letter, which contained 2.4 ounces of hydrogen cyanide in a Five Hour Energy bottle along with a note that said ‘Drink up, Mr. President,’” said the statement. “We also have nothing to do with any pipe bombs, anthrax powder, or radioactive medical waste currently in route to the White House in various boxes measuring from 11 to 18 inches in length and 6 to 9 inches in width.”
Although Cotton and his office continue to vigorously deny accusations that he had something to do with the letter, the Secret Service is currently interviewing his family and staff both in Washington and Arkansas.
Agent Efrem Zimbalist III, who is coordinating the joint FBI-Secret Service investigation told reporters at a news conference today that they are making progress and arrests will be made in the near future.
“Senator Cotton has denied any knowledge of the letter, but crime scene technicians have confirmed that the same brand of purple crayon used in the Iran letter was used on the cyanide package,” said Zimbalist. “Handwriting experts are now comparing the writing on the outside of the package and the note it contained to the scrawls and doodles present on the letter addressed to Iranian leaders earlier this month, and we think we have a match.”
“The return address on the letter was simply ‘Arkansas’ and some of the same basic misspellings were present in both letters,” said Zimbalist. “There are also smudged fingerprints on the outside of the letter that contain a mixture of cow dung and milk chocolate that are a good match to the Senator’s.”
When asked how law enforcement was able to make such a quick determination of guilt, Zimbalist said that it wasn’t like they were dealing with someone who had a modicum of intelligence like Ted Kaczynski or Eric Rudolph.
“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here,” said Zimbalist, “Cotton is sociopathic, reactionary backwoods hick, not some master criminal. I think we’ll be able to wrap up the investigation rather quickly.”
Senator Cotton’s office said that he would unavailable to comment on the ongoing investigation as he just departed on a six month hunting trip deep in the Canadian wilderness.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.
The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.
For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.
Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.
Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.
Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.
In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”
“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”
Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”
During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.
As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”
TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA – (CT&P) – Governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott has added to the list of terms and phrases that employees of the State of Florida are forbidden to use in official communications. Governor Scott is also backing a bill in the Florida legislature that would make use of certain terms by residents or visitors to the state punishable by up to two years in prison.
The dysfunctional state recently made national news again when it came to light that Scott had banned the use of “climate change” and “global warming” in any emails or in print. As if this was not ridiculous enough, Scott has moved to increase the list to almost 500 “objectionable” words and phrases.
The new list is so extensive it threatens to abolish the use of the English language within state organizations.
Some examples of the new forbidden words and phrases include “evolution,” “the big bang,” “union,” “Obamacare,” “Democrat,” “liberal,” “black,” “Hispanic,” “civil rights,” “atheist,” “homosexual,” “gay,” “cloudy,” “hurricane,” “sea weed,” “sink hole,” “meth lab,” “trailer park,” “man-eating shark,” and “human sacrifice,” just to name a few.
“Human sacrifice” was personally added by Governor Scott at the last-minute because he is extremely sensitive to the rumors circulating that he regularly removes the beating hearts of undocumented farm workers late at night in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
The new bill in the legislature, sponsored by Senator R. W. Scrotum (R-Panama City Beach), would expand the ban from state employees to include all residents and visitors to the insane asylum masquerading as a state.
“It’s high time we got a grip on all this sedition and traitorous talk going on down har,” said Scrotum. “We in the Republican Party know what’s best for Florida, and I’ll be goddammed if we’re gonna listen to any more of this unpatriotic garbage. If people can’t have the decency to just shut the fuck up and do what we say, well then they ain’t welcome here.”
Businesses who count on tourist dollars to operate successfully within the state have protested the ban as well as the new bill, but Governor Scott has remained unmoved, saying “We’ve got our priorities right in the GOP. The world was a much better place before the Enlightenment. Besides, I’ll be out of office before any negative effects from ban take place.”
Florida has long been the laughingstock of the country and is commonly known as “that penis-shaped dystopian hellscape down there,” and these new moves by Scott and the legislature will do nothing but reinforce that attitude.
There is hope however. In less than a hundred years the whole fucking place will be under three feet of water and the rest of America won’t have to worry about it anymore.
TEHRAN – (CT&P) – Iranian Foreign Minister Dr. Javad Zarif dropped by the Revolutionary Guards Memorial Martyr’s Post Office in downtown Tehran this morning to mail 47 letters to Republican senators, according to a source inside the Iranian Foreign Office.
The source, who wished to remain anonymous lest he be thrown into a pit full of starving dingos, told the Tehran Somewhat-Free Press that Dr. Zarif was pleased that the senators were taking an interest in foreign affairs looked forward to educating them regarding the U.S. Constitution and political system.
Dr. Zarif, who has a masters and PhD in international relations from the University of Denver and two other degrees from San Francisco State University is considered much better educated and knowledgeable than just about any current Republican officeholder.
The letters are said to contain a copy of the U.S. Constitution, a brief overview of the unintended consequences of the Iraq War (the worst foreign policy blunder since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution), a coloring book featuring countries in the Middle East, and gift certificates for McDonald’s ‘Happy Meals.’
“Dr. Zarif hopes that this info packet will help educate the senators and allow them to make more informed decisions before they start undercutting their president and allies in the middle of nuclear negotiations,” said the unidentified source. “Dr. Zarif included the gift certificates so the senators would be rewarded for learning new things. It’s a method we use in Iran to encourage kids to become better educated, and we thought it might work for Congress as well.”
Senator Tom “Go Hawgs” Cotton’s letter to Iranian leaders, signed by 46 other Republican senators, initiated the historic exchange of correspondence.
Cotton’s letter, written in purple crayon, complained that President Obama would not let GOP senators borrow his toys or let them “play with him and his foreign friends,” so anything that Obama told the Iranians was just “made up stories.”
The letter also claimed that Obama was a “real meanie” who sometimes called the senators names, and threatened that if the President didn’t start playing nice, Senator Cotton would call his friend Bibi who would “beat him up.”
Cotton had hoped that the letter would cement his position as leader of a group of politicians that are hell-bent on starting a war with Iran. To his dismay however, the letter was met with shock and disbelief by almost every adult in D.C. and across the nation, and was seen by most pundits as another blunder made by a group of petulant children masquerading as statesmen.
A Republican insider told the Washington Post that “If these idiots will stop shooting themselves in the foot every five minutes we just might have a shot at winning the White House in 2016, but at this rate no one in their right mind will vote for any of these kooks. It’s depressing as hell.”
SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).
“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.
“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”
Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.
In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”
Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.
The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.
President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.
Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.
McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Representative Trey “Numbnuts” Gowdy (R-SC), Chairman of the House Select Committee to Investigate Investigations Related to Prior Investigations of the Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi terrorist attacks, told reporters today that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s missing emails will prove “beyond the shadow of a doubt” that she masterminded the operation start to finish.
“We will show that Mrs. Clinton not only planned and organized the attacks, but was on the ground in Libya that night and provided transportation for the terrorists to and from the compound,” said Gowdy.
The attack, which has been the subject of endless investigations by a variety of nitwits in both houses of Congress, occurred on the evening of September 11, 2012.
Islamic militants attacked the American diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Lybia, killing U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens and U.S. Foreign Service Information Management Officer Sean Smith. Stevens was the first U.S. Ambassador killed in the line of duty since 1979.
Several hours later, a second assault targeted a different compound about one mile away, killing two CIA contractors, Tyrone S. Woods and Glen Doherty. Ten others were also injured in the attacks, but some of those folks were not white, so they don’t count.
“We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton used her email account to procure a 1972 Plymouth station wagon and a driver to transport the killers from downtown Benghazi to the compound and then on to the second target,” said a profusely sweating Gowdy. “We have a witness that has provided photographic evidence to this effect as well.”
Gowdy also told reporters that Mrs. Clinton hosted a gala alcohol-free reception for the killers just after the attacks to celebrate the deaths of the four Americans.
“It’s just horrific,” said Gowdy. “I don’t see how the woman can live with herself. This is bound to ruin any chance she has of becoming president, which is of course our only goal behind pursuing this ridiculous bullshit.”
When asked if Mrs. Clinton is concerned about either the emails or the continuing Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi probe, an aide to Mrs. Clinton replied, “Not really, haters gonna hate…what difference does it make?”
Diplomatic relations between Venezuela and the U.S. have just taken a big hit, with the government of Nicolas Maduro demanding that the American Embassy in Caracas reduce its staff by 80% and that U.S. visitors apply for visas.
Most symbolically, Venezuela has now barred a number of U.S. officials from visiting, including George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. The backdrop to these political moves is a new crisis within Venezuela that has an old script: right-wing leaders plan a coup, with the U.S. deeply implicated; wealthy protesters take to the streets; and the Western media cover both stories with great sympathy while openly mocking the democratically elected government for attempting to defend itself.
The latest crisis began when authorities acting on Maduro’s orders arrested Caracas Mayor Antonio Ledezma in mid-February. A well-known right-wing opposition figure, Ledezma will face trial for conspiracy against the government in what is now being called the “blue coup.” Among the pieces of evidence the government says it has collected are phone calls made by the mayor to a U.S. phone number, as well as a cache of weapons, including Molotov cocktails, grenade-like explosives and gas masks, found in the office headquarters of the opposition political par
Ledezma is being held in the same facility as another right-wing politician, Leopoldo Lopez, who was arrested last year for overseeing a plan called La Salida, or “the exit,” to overturn the government. Lopez has had dealings with U.S. government figures including Sen. Ron Wyden, D-Ore. According to Wikileaks, the two apparently “discussed possible media strategies with Lopez, and methods for getting his positive message to audiences in the U.S.” Just before Ledezma’s arrest, he, Lopez and other right-wing opposition leaders, including Maria Corina Machado, had signed a document calling for a “National Transition”—a move the government says was a precursor to a U.S.-backed coup.
The U.S. has long been involved in attempts to destabilize Venezuela’s socialist government. Its role in the 2002 coup against Hugo Chavez is well-documented. Over the years, many organizations, including ones in which right-wing opposition figures are involved, have received funding from the likes of USAID and the National Endowment for Democracy (NED), both U.S.-based agencies notorious for fomenting unrest in countries hostile to U.S. interests. For example, Machado headed an organization named Sumate that has received funding from the NED.
U.S. officials have also made no secret about their hostility to Venezuela. Last year the Obama administration imposed sanctions on a number of Venezuelan officials it claims are implicated in human rights abuses and corruption, although it is keeping the list of names secret. In President Obama’s 2015 National Security Strategy, he announced that the U.S. would “stand by the citizens of countries where the full exercise of democracy is at risk, such as Venezuela.”
Despite this documentation of American animosity toward Venezuela, media outlets continue to harbor an inexplicable blind spot on the U.S. role. The New York Times opined last week in what we can consider Exhibit A in the case against media coverage of Venezuela:
Listening to embattled President Nicolás Maduro of Venezuela ramble for hours about an international right-wing conspiracy to oust him, it’s clear that he would use any fabricated pretext to jail opposition leaders and crack down on dissent. In recent days, the government’s claims have become outlandish and its repression of critics even more vicious.
Professor Miguel Tinker Salas, one of the few U.S.-based experts on Venezuela, has written a book that will be released May 4 titled “Venezuela: What Everyone Needs to Know.” In an interview on “Uprising,” he responded to the editorial, saying, “We know that there was a historical amnesia on the part of the New York Times that celebrated the 2002 coup against Hugo Chavez.”
Salas was referring to the paper’s mea culpa at initially celebrating that coup and then retracting its words days later when it was overturned. In its new editorial, the paper failed to raise the historical context of U.S. backing for the 2002 coup or its own contradictory stances dismissing Maduro’s concerns.
Exhibit B is The Economist, which went as far as headlining the current crisis in Venezuela “A slow-motion coup.” If by “coup” the magazine means “coup d’état”—which is generally defined as the illegal takeover of a government—then it is unclear what the writers mean, for the article claims the “regime is lurching from authoritarianism to dictatorship.” (Is Maduro’s government organizing a coup against itself?) The magazine also goes on to assert that “Crackpot economic policies have brought food shortages, soaring inflation and rising poverty.”
Salas explained that the writers are irked by the fact that “[s]ixty percent of the government’s budget actually goes to social programs and [the opposition] would rather it go to infrastructure and oil companies so that they can produce more oil and have a larger supply of oil on the world market, and have it be privately owned.”
Thanks to this type of media coverage, the Venezuelan right-wing opposition has been extremely successful at generating sympathy, especially among the U.S. public, and even among American celebrities. Last year’s right-wing protests inspired a shout-out by actor Jared Leto during his Oscar acceptance speech, a supportive blog post by Kevin Spacey and even a social media post by singer Madonna.
What neither the Times nor The Economist nor the supportive celebrities notice are the troubling double standards of criticizing Venezuela when a close U.S. ally such as Mexico suffers from far worse problems of anti-democratic corruption and violence. Salas pointed out the hypocrisy, saying that 43 people were killed in Venezuela last year on both sides of the divide, and still, “The New York Times blames the government for these deaths, and yet they remain silent about the 43 students that were killed in Mexico.” Additionally, Salas pointed out, although Mexico has “100,000 dead and a real humanitarian crisis,” the Times says “almost nothing, while on Venezuela they … mock the government.”
A November 2014 editorial by the Times on Mexico’s 43 missing students expressed not nearly as much vitriol for that country’s clearly corrupt and discredited government as the paper reserves for Venezuela’s Maduro, whom it called “authoritarian,” “erratic” and “maniacal.”
Additionally, The Economist’s mocking of Venezuela’s economic crisis is also hypocritical because, according to Salas, in Mexico, “fifty percent of the population lives in poverty” and yet the country “is portrayed as a model for Western development and neo-liberal economics.” And while media outlets make fun of Venezuela’s toilet paper shortage, Salas counters that in Mexico, which is a U.S. ally, huge numbers of “people don’t even have access to basic services and food
Media coverage of Venezuela is so skewed that even the contentious issue of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict seems to generate fairer coverage these days. Salas attributed the bias to the savvy organizing of right-wing Venezuelan groups, who he says have “learned the lesson very well from Cuban Americans in Miami and South Florida, so they know how to target the media, they know how to create public opinion and they have done that very well.”
But Salas thinks there is another explanation, and that is “the lack of knowledge that existed about Venezuela in the U.S. before Hugo Chavez came to power.” Most of what Americans knew about the country other than that it had abundant oil reserves was the fact that it once won a Miss Universe contest and was home to a few good baseball players. That ignorance has been a perfect blank slate on which the U.S. government, mainstream media and right-wing opposition parties have been able to carve their warped perspectives about Venezuela’s left-wing government.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Two recent surveys taken by Public Policy Polling indicate that up to fifty percent of registered Republican voters may be in urgent need of legal guardians. The polls were taken of 1000 registered GOP voters between February 20th-25th.
In the first poll, which asked the simple question “Do you believe in evolution or not?” a 49% plurality of Republicans said that they do not. The second poll found that a breathtaking 57% of Republicans want to establish Christianity as the official national religion. Only 30% of respondents rejected the idea.
Not surprisingly, the polls found that most of those who rejected evolution and supported a national religion also supported the quasi-intellectual Dr. Ben Carson for president, a lunatic who believes the earth is only 6000 years old.
Tom Jenson, director of Public Policy, was disheartened but not surprised by the results of the polls.
“Look, we knew ahead of time what kind of folks we were dealing with here,” said Jenson. “I mean a good portion of these people believe that Obama is Lucifer in disguise, for Christ’s sake. What do you expect?”
“But this level of idiocy is beyond anything I’ve ever seen. These people reject science in any form, until they get sick or need to make a phone call, that is. Furthermore, they are apparently unable to either read or understand the Constitution, a document they purport to hold sacred. They want to return to some kind of pre-Enlightenment theocracy. They’re nuts!”
Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute went even further.
“These people pose a threat to themselves and all those around them. We don’t think they should be allowed to drive, raise kids, or vote in national elections. They really need constant supervision. I just don’t know if we will be able to recruit enough sane people to keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I haven’t seen this kind of threat to the Republic since Red Lectroids from the 8th Dimension by way of Planet 10 tried to takeover back in the mid 80’s.”
Public Policy promised an extensive analysis and follow-up on the results of the polls and plan on making some recommendations to the Obama Administration on how best to avoid the situation in the future. At this time the advice centers around improving elementary and secondary education in the United States particularly in the areas of science, history, and civics so in the future we won’t have to have to deal with a large portion of the public that does not know its ass from a hole in the ground.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – House Republican leaders proved that they are ready to lead America on Friday by putting together a historic compromise that funded the Department of Homeland Security for an entire week. The House voted 357-60 to keep the DHS open by extending funding for a whopping seven days.
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) was forced to turn to Democrats to pass the bill, because the kooky Tea Party members of the caucus refused to vote for it on the grounds that Hispanic people are inferior to whites and should not be allowed to stay in the country.
Boehner had hoped to fund the DHS for even longer than a week and indeed the Senate had approved a three-week extension earlier, but conservative Tea Baggers rejected that compromise hammered out by the Speaker because it didn’t go far enough in blocking President Obama’s executive orders on immigration.
Nevertheless, Boehner was ebullient when interviewed over the weekend at his favorite watering hole in Georgetown, the Rogue Elephant.
“I’m very proud that at least some members of our caucus managed to overcome their hatred of minorities long enough to consider the security of the United States,” said Boehner, as he swirled a brown substance around in his glass.
“This week we hope to patch together an even more momentous compromise which will fund the department for an entire month! That way we’ll have some time to vote on another repeal of Obamacare and get down to work putting together some important tax breaks for the Koch brothers and other members of the 1%.”
Mitch McConnell, who was one stool over from the Speaker eating a salad, agreed.
“Uh…yeah…well…I just hope we’re able to slide that provision for those Romaine lettuce growers in there as well,” said McConnell, and then retracted his head inside his shell to take a nap.
“All in all I think this bill has shown just how concerned we are about the American people, and proves that we are mature enough to govern the country,” said Boehner. “I really look forward to the primaries so Americans can see just how great a Republican president would be.”
Pundits were not as optimistic as Boehner, however.
“You could not pay me enough to be in Boehner’s position,” said Chris Matthews. “Half of his caucus looks and acts like it just fell off the turnip truck. This group of idiots could not find its ass with both hands. God help us all if one of those clowns gets elected president. We’d all be doomed.”
WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy ofDunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.
The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.
McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.
“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”
Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.
The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.
Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.
“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”
Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.
“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.
“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.
CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”
TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI – (CT&P) – The bigots at the American Family Association have created a handy new interactive map that may assist intelligent people traveling through the Bible Belt in finding isolated pockets of people with whom they can communicate.
The map lists the names and locations of organizations that the AFA believes pose a dire threat to the Christian faith. The names of Atheist, Humanist, “Anti-Christian,” and “homosexual agenda” groups are listed along with their locations. Although the map is national in scope, it is mainly treated as a joke outside the South.
Donald Wildmon, president of the AFA and notorious anti-Semite, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally designed to help “the KKK, neo-Nazi organizations, and other crazed pseudo Christian rednecks like ourselves locate the headquarters of organizations considered to be enemies of Jesus.”
“We had hoped that publicizing the organizations that don’t hold our antiquated and bigoted views would help our allies locate, harass, and beat the shit out of members of these groups, but the plan kind of backfired on us.”
It seems that instead of idiots using the site like the AFA intended, intelligent folk traveling through the South have used it as a tool to make donations and make new friends with people who are actually able to reason.
The Courier interviewed several travelers to get their take on the map.
“The map has been a lifesaver for me,” said Vince Snetterton Lewis, an intellectual from Portland, Oregon. “There just aren’t too many places in the Bible Belt where you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation. The last time I drove through the South I went from Memphis all the way to Atlanta without stopping to urinate. You never know who you’re going to run into down there.”
Stig O’Tracy, an intellectual from Los Angeles, California said, “Have you seen the fucking billboards down there? I don’t dare stop unless I check the map first. I drive a hybrid with California plates. That’s probably enough to get the death penalty in some jurisdictions.”
Wildmon said that he hopes that what he called “abuse” of the interactive map would stop after certain alterations are made.
“We plan to try to make the site accessible only to certified Christians who agree with our whacked-out ideas,” said Wildmon. “We haven’t figured that one out yet but maybe some kind of thumbprint id system could be used.”
“Once we do that, we intend on publishing the membership lists of all these groups along with home addresses and phone numbers. That way we can visit these heretics and dole out some of God’s love just like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition did.”
WASHINGTON D.C. – (CT&P) – The Air Force announced yesterday that it is placing 18 A-10 Warthogs, the most feared and effective ground attack aircraft ever built, into back-up flying status in order to move the maintenance staff to work on F-35s, a high tech piece of shit that can rarely get off the ground let alone fire its weapons.
Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh have decided to move the Warthogs to back-up status “as soon as practical,” according to a notice obtained by POLITICO. That includes nine A-10s from Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Arizona, six from Moody in Georgia and three from Nellis in Nevada.
Secretary James told POLITICO that “We need these maintenance personnel to wash the F-35’s and wax their exteriors so they will look good in photographs taken on the flight line. They rarely fly, but dirt and dust accumulates on the planes and it makes them look filthy, and we can’t have that.”
The 2015 National Defense Authorization Act blocks the Air Force from retiring the fleet, but gives it the option to put 36 planes into back-up flying status, if the defense secretary certified the move was necessary. Chuck Hagel did so earlier this month as one his final idiotic acts before he left office.
The venerable A-10 has been a workhorse for decades, and has proved to be a reliable and low cost ground attack aircraft that can blow the shit out of just about anything. It proved invaluable in both Gulf Wars, immolating and scattering to atoms innumerable enemy troops and jihadis alike.
The A-10 was designed around the 30 mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon that is its primary armament and the heaviest-ever automatic cannon mounted on an aircraft. It also is able to carry a variety of other ordinance such as the Maverick air-to-suface missile, cluster munitions, Hydra rocket pods, and even laser guided bombs, making it “one bad motherfucker” on the battlefield.
By comparison, the trillion dollar F-35 has trouble turning left, right, and flying in a straight line. Its computer systems are full of glitches that can cause the plane to fly upside down or fire its weapons without warning. It’s just as likely to target an elementary school as it is a tank or enemy aircraft. Furthermore, the flying washing machine will not be able to fire its cannon for at least five years because the Air Force it waiting on a software upgrade.
Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that while the A-10 was a “great plane,” the F-35 costs “one hell of lot more to produce and maintain,” thus guaranteeing a ton of money flowing into Pentagon coffers for years to come.
“The F-35 Lightning may not be able to fly that well, or shoot down enemy aircraft, or support our ground troops attacking ISIS positions, but it looks cool as shit and costs a lot, and that’s enough for the numb nuts in charge of protecting this great country,” said Turgidson.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Insecure horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly went berserk again last night on his Fox News show The O’Reilly Factor after more evidence surfaced that he exaggerated his personal exploits during the Falklands War. Mr. O’Reilly reportedly got so agitated that he was treated for dangerously high blood pressure shortly after the show aired.
O’Reilly has been playing defense since an article in the left-leaning magazine Mother Jones last Thursday claimed that, not unlike NBC News anchor Brian Williams, the Fox News host embellished accounts of his wartime experiences. In response to the story about O’Reilly’s reporting on the Falklands war between the U.K. and Argentina in the early 1980s, penned by Mother Jones editor David Corn, O’Reilly blasted Corn as a “liar,” a “left-wing assassin” and an “irresponsible guttersnipe.”
O’Reilly has maintained that he never said he reported from the actual war zone, in the Atlantic Ocean off Argentina’s coast, but did cover violent protests in Buenos Aires at the close of that conflict. CBS broadcast those clips at the request of O’Reilly, who featured them on his show Monday evening.
However, that didn’t satisfy Mother Jones, which said the protest footage does not really support his claims. Nor did it convince the New York Times, which quoted former CBS News staff members who had taken issue with O’Reilly’s accounts of those protests.
What O’Reilly referred to as a “very intense situation where people got hurt,” was played down by CBS veteran Eric Engberg in the New York Times story. O’Reilly maintained the veracity of his account on Monday night’s show, pulling out additional reports that described the disputed the protest scenario that he confronted in Buenos Aires.
O’Reilly claims that the whole situation is the result of a left-wing conspiracy against him by Keyser Söze, a Turkish criminal mastermind personally responsible for the demise of hundreds of people. O’Reilly dedicated his last segment to a desperate plea for help from his viewers.
“I know it’s Söze that’s after me,” whined O’Reilly. “No one else would dare question me. He’s enlisted the help of almost all the members of the liberal media to tarnish my good name and say that I’m lying about being a war hero.”
“Söze’s henchmen are all over the place. Liars, left wing assassins, and ‘scruffy and badly behaved children who spend most of their time in the street’ are following me everywhere,” said a sweating O’Reilly.
“You, my loyal viewers, know damn good and well I’ve never lied and have never been wrong about anything in my entire life. I’m begging you to come to my defense in my time of need.”
“I want to stop this now. I hope we can stop this. I really do,” said a tearful O’Reilly as he closed the show.
Members of the media were not impressed with O’Reilly’s pleas. David Corn of Mother Jones told the New York Times that “As a despicable guttersnipe who seeks the truth, I must and will continue to uncover the lies told by this giant bipedal penis.”
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.
“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”
God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.
Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.
His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”
After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.
Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.
The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”
“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”
“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”
“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”
Australian politicians love the idea of mutual obligation. But the disparities underlying it are becoming more and more extreme. Welfare recipients are painted as getting “something for nothing”, and pushed into more and more restrictive versions of the social contract. Meanwhile, corporate citizens are happy to take subsidies and shirk tax, and can expect little or no punishment if they break the law. Some are trying to excise themselves from society altogether. The government has talked tough about tax and regulation at the G20, while gutting enforcement agencies at the same time. Don’t expect that to change.
“NO PORNOGRAPHY” is what the blue signs used to say, alongside “NO LIQUOR”. To make them more “respectful”, the pornography part was changed two years ago to read “PROHIBITED MATERIAL”. The most important part – the “PRESCRIBED AREA” at the top – stayed the same. There are hundreds of these warnings spread across the Northern Territory, most on the outskirts of indigenous communities, but some placed seemingly at random. Near the town of Emu Bore, there’s one on the lonely road leading to a single family’s property, reminding them again and again of the proscriptions. Outside Yuendumu, the locals have placarded their own counter-suggestion: “IF U WANT PORN GO TO CANBERRA”. These signs don’t just delineate the areas affected by the Northern Territory Emergency Response, better known as the Intervention. They also mark another border: the farthest reach of the idea of mutual obligation.
Like the term “economic rationalism”, “mutual obligation” is a piece of Third Way political nomenclature that Australia has made its own. Both concepts were pioneered by the Hawke–Keating governments, before being fully realised by their successors. By 2000, John Howard could tell a Today Show interviewer that “mutual obligation is an Australian concept” and expect no argument. Politicians and government literature now often refer to the idea as being intuitively comprehensible, a kind of common sense. The principle that welfare recipients are expected to provide something in return for their payments has been normalised, especially if the alternative is “passive” benefits.
A love of mutual obligation unites even bitter adversaries in the political class. Policy engineers from Tony Abbott (“Although most people don’t choose to be on welfare, once they’ve become accustomed to it, it’s easy enough to find reasons why going back to work is too hard”) to Mark Latham (“aid the unemployed by developing their skills and reconnecting them with the benefits of work and active citizenship”) have endorsed it. The Liberals use the language of incentives, and the ALP the language of empowerment, but their end points are not so different. Before the last election, Julia Gillard’s reduction of the single-parent payment was given a familiar rationale. While admitting that the Newstart Allowance was too low, the then prime minister made her priorities clear: “I want to see everybody have the benefits, choices and essential dignity that comes with access to paid work.”
Few other kinds of contracts operate like those implicit in mutual obligation: the terms are not negotiable, duties can increase even as payments decline, and one party must fulfil its duties on pain of poverty and homelessness. Its political appeal causes strange ideological inversions: even dry conservatives suddenly become fans of the statist nudge of behavioural economics. But its most eerie power is to make its adherents, of whatever political stripe, junk all the modern information we’ve accumulated about unemployment in favour of conceptions that are centuries old.
Whether or not paid work has an essential dignity rather than a conferred one is open to argument. As the British journalist Jeffrey Bernard put it, “If there was something romantic about [work], the Duke of Westminster would be digging his own fucking garden, wouldn’t he?” But that argument is over for almost everyone in the Australian political class.
Like the term “economic rationalism”, “mutual obligation” is a piece of Third Way political nomenclature that Australia has made its own.
Workers are virtuous, but those on welfare are depicted as dole bludgers, job snobs and disability-pension rorters. This is a picture that has little relationship with reality. Unemployment in Australia is almost always a transient and unwilled state, and workers have little control over it. Most of the jobless have worked in the past, and will work again. The official unemployment figure is around 800,000 (and an even greater number of people, almost a million, are classified as underemployed). Total job vacancies in August this year numbered less than 150,000. All the virtue in the world can’t overcome a disparity like that.
Compared to other countries with our level of development, Australia’s spending on unemployment benefits is already low and well targeted. So is our social-security spending. When the Australian Bureau of Statistics released a compendium of relevant data recently, it showed that regardless of age, household demography, income, wealth, or income source, Australian households in 2011–12 were less dependent on welfare than they were in 2003–04.
There was no revelation here, nothing new. The reality of welfare in Australia has been known for a long time. But in the media, and even at policy level, anecdotes and age-old taboos about shirkers rule.
The template for today’s policy thinking on welfare is so old, it can be pulled almost verbatim from a 200-year-old book. Here it is in Alexis de Tocqueville’s Memoir on Pauperism:
Man, like all socially organized beings, has a natural passion for idleness. There are, however, two incentives to work: the need to live and the desire to improve the conditions of life. Experience has proven that the majority of men can be sufficiently motivated to work only by the first of these incentives. The second is only effective with a small minority. Well, a charitable institution indiscriminately open to all those in need, or a law which gives all the poor a right to public aid, whatever the origin of their poverty, weakens or destroys the first stimulant and leaves only the second intact.
The Liberal backbencher Ewen Jones produced a fresh formulation on this just last month. “Is it better to have someone earning and learning?” he asked. “Or is it better to say to them, ‘There’s your dole, go home, eat Cheezels, get on the Xbox?’”
For the current government, “job snobs” are a modern variation on the idea of “sturdy rogues”, the able-bodied vagrants who resisted work in medieval times. They were contrasted with the genuinely needy “impotent poor”. Despite its information-gathering powers, the government isn’t interested in how many of these largely mythological figures clog Centrelinks around the country.
“There are clearly some job snobs around,” Senator Eric Abetz told Lateline in July. “I’m not going to put a figure on it, but we do need to encourage them, for their own sake, for their own benefit.” The employment minister and others believe the best way to encourage them is through work for the dole, a program that has been shown to be spectacularly ineffective. A study by Melbourne University economists Jeff Borland and Yi-Ping Tseng found the Australian variation actively prevented people from seeking long-term employment, locking them into dead-end positions with limited prospects. Jobseekers in Adelaide have found themselves building dioramas of World War One battlefields for RSL clubs. How they were supposed to market this skill on “graduation” is unclear.
The reality is that the assumptions underpinning work for the dole are not economic, but moral. As former Liberal leader John Hewson told the Saturday Paper, the program “is more about prejudice than it is about policy”.
If you’re a welfare recipient, especially an indigenous one, your obligations are devised to be onerous to the point of humiliation. Recently the Coalition mooted plans to no longer accept “reasonable excuses” for missing an appointment with a job agency. Only “extreme” excuses would do, like a bushfire or the death of an immediate family member. Being mentally ill wasn’t an extreme excuse. Being assaulted was, but only if you were assaulted the day before the interview. “Someone subject to an assault a week before their failure would not have a reasonable excuse,” the Australian reported, as it would not “directly prevent them from meeting their requirement (unless they were still incapacitated as a consequence of the assault)”.
Earlier this year, authorities used armed police in riot gear to remove children deemed at risk from an Aboriginal family. The children were later returned to their parents. The Intervention, a multi-million-dollar, multi-agency effort operating from a framework of new legislation, partly implemented by the military, was put together in just six days. By contrast, simply repairing the water supply of the Aboriginal community of Utopia took more than three months.
The government routinely investigates welfare fraud using powers it originally sought to target terrorism. Centrelink now accesses more personal metadata than any other enforcement agency, more often even than the New South Wales Police Force. It’s a simple procedure: a Centrelink agent fills in a form, gets approval from elsewhere in their department, and is authorised to tap into personal phone records and email history. The subject is not informed.
So far there’s not much evidence welfare fraud is out of control. Between 2006 and 2010, Centrelink conducted an average of 4 million compliance reviews each year, which covered 60% of its “customers”. The yield of cases referred for prosecution was on average 0.04%, or 3192 people. In 2012, fewer than 1500 people were referred for welfare fraud.
The Newstart Allowance, always set well below the poverty line, has now become so low that even groups like the Business Council of Australia say it should be increased. Government has so abandoned the unemployed that even employer groups feel compelled to advocate on their behalf, a situation that may be unique in the developed world. According to the current minister for employment, the ideal environment for a young unemployed person is one in which they apply for 40 jobs per month regardless of how many real vacancies are available, work 25 hours per week on menial tasks, and receive nothing in return for six months in every twelve.
One of the ironies of mutual obligation as it’s now conceived is that the vulnerable receive tough treatment, while the powerful are regarded as delicate, unstable and easily upset.
Humiliating job-seekers is supposed to build their moral character, but even tepid criticism of business might lead to “uncertainty”. Tony Abbott gave his own formulation of this at the Rocklea Markets in Brisbane in 2012, arguing that “government … create[s] the sort of stability and certainty which is necessary for confidence and which, in turn, is necessary for prosperity to grow. Stability breeds confidence. Confidence breeds prosperity.” For individuals, on the other hand, the uncertainty that would come from a six-month period of unemployment with no income was a good thing. It’s this inversion that has allowed the concept of mutual obligation to encompass such glaring disparities.
If employment is a necessary pre-condition of moral citizenship, then employers are not just economic actors, but gateways to social legitimacy. Despite the best efforts of the treasurer, Joe Hockey, the term “job creators” has not made an easy transition from American political rhetoric to ours. But the concept has arrived all the same. Ironically, as global competition makes jobs more contingent and precarious, simply being a for-profit entity has taken on a kind of sanctity among the political class, and a corporation fulfils its social obligations simply by existing – while proper regulation, pursuit over unpaid tax, and even prosecution for criminal acts are painted as threats to the moral order. That is, if any of these things could “cost jobs”, which they seem always on the verge of doing.
So while the most disadvantaged are being surveilled and constrained like never before, the social contract’s claim on the privileged has rarely been looser.
Multinationals assert their right to government assistance, both direct and indirect, avail themselves of legal systems, infrastructure, political influence and the many other benefits of civil society, and at the same time often assert that they’re not really participants in society at all. In 2009, Apple Sales International’s accounts stated, for example, that “the company is not tax resident in any jurisdiction”. Its average tax rate across all jurisdictions in which it operates is 4%. In Australia, it claims among other things to be a part Bermuda-based, part Singapore-based company selling second-hand Irish electronics. Last year this arrangement let it pay $36.4 million in tax on more than $6 billion in revenues. The then financial services minister, Arthur Sinodinos, “declined to criticise their actions”, according to the Australian.
The American economist and Nobel laureate Joseph Stiglitz is less reserved. There’s an asymmetry, he says, between corporations taking benefits from legislation, subsidy and other government actions, and their willingness to contribute. “That kind of asymmetry is, I would say, understandable, because they’re trying to hide any income. They’re acting on behalf of their shareholders – but, we might say, rob the rest of the society to do it.
“You can see that across the board. Apple in the United States, its very existence almost depends on the internet. Things like the iPhone wouldn’t exist without the internet. And that was created by the government. The company uses American institutional infrastructure, the legal system, the courts – and it doesn’t pay taxes.”
The company now has greater cash reserves than the US government itself. Apple’s huge war chest is the result of an aggressive form of tax minimisation referred to as base erosion and profit shifting (BEPS). There are different kinds of tax architecture that multinationals use to pare down their bills, but perhaps most common is a complex system of profit shifting and reporting known as the “Double Irish Dutch Sandwich” technique. Take Google, for example. The billions the tech company earns from advertising in Australia are paid to a company called Google Ireland Limited, which then pays them to a Dutch subsidiary, which then pays the money back to another Irish company. Google is an Irish company, except when it is in Ireland, where it is a Bermudan company.
“I am very proud of the structure that we set up,” Eric Schmidt, the company’s executive chairman, told Bloomberg. “We did it based on the incentives that the governments offered us to operate … It’s called capitalism. We are proudly capitalistic. I’m not confused about this.”
I asked Google’s operations in Australia about its tax arrangements. They expressed less pride in the “structure”, and went back to a familiar line about jobs.
“For financial year 2013 we paid $7.1 million in corporate taxes and $15 million in payroll and other taxes in Australia as part of our investment in a local workforce of over 900 people,” their statement read. “We believe international forums like the OECD are the right place to decide tax rules for multinational businesses because everyone would benefit from a simpler and more transparent system.”
It must be pointed out that if employing people were a legitimate excuse to avoid paying company tax, there would be no such thing as company tax. In Australia, the community has agreed that companies should pay tax, and the rate is set at 30% of profits.
Google also noted, with some justification, that while technology corporations inspire most of the excitement around base erosion, profit shifting and transfer pricing, there are plenty of companies in Australia that pay even less tax than they do. Old-school companies in industry and finance are some of the worst offenders.
According to a Tax Justice Network report, a third of ASX200 companies pay less than 10% tax, while 57% operate subsidiaries in tax havens. Not only does Australia miss out on an estimated $8 billion in annual revenue because of these fudges, but many of those taking the most tight-fisted approach are only too happy to unclench a palm when a government handout is available.
Take James Hardie, still making a strong claim to being one of the worst companies in the world. It has deliberately underfunded a compensation fund for asbestos victims that it was forced by the government to set up (its directors were given minuscule fines as a result). Now the fund is unable to meet its liabilities and will have to draw on a government loan facility to make payments to the dying. James Hardie is now arguing that the payments should be made in instalments. In the past two years, it has paid out $600 million in dividends to its shareholders. In the past ten years, the company has paid an average of $0 in corporate tax. In 2012, it won a tax case against the government, which now owed it $300 million.
Andrew “Twiggy” Forrest is the chairman of Fortescue Metals, and the man whose welfare review for the federal government called for “an end to paternalism” while expanding welfare quarantining. In 2011, Fortescue Metals admitted it had never paid corporate tax. “We have not cut a corporate tax cheque to date, no,” was a spokesman’s elegant formulation.
I asked Forrest about his conception of mutual obligation. Even he seemed surprised by how much emphasis the media had placed on the punitive aspects of his report.
“I don’t look at mutual obligation [as] trying to get value for money out of welfare, that is not my purpose … When it comes to welfare, it’s an opportunity for someone to upskill and to become a more valuable member of their community, a more contributing member of their family. There’s an opportunity to grow from that experience.”
I asked him about how people on welfare might come to view their role in the social contract, when they saw highly publicised stories about companies taking research and development tax credits while paying almost no tax. Wasn’t that also a kind of “something for nothing”?
“That’s a hard one, which I’d probably ask Ministers Hockey and Turnbull to turn their minds to. I would suggest that if the Australian government is trying to encourage research, then those companies who do the research have every right to claim it. But if it then leads to artifices which are beyond the spirit of the law, then, yes, I think those companies should be looked at with serious rigour.”
That is happening, at the G20. Google’s dream that these issues be looked at an OECD level has come true. Joe Hockey has been triumphant. “We are determined to improve the integrity of the global tax system by addressing the erosion of our collective tax base through work undertaken by the OECD,” he said, while announcing a Common Reporting Standard for the automatic exchange of financial information. The Australian Tax Office (ATO) itself would be leading one of these new collaborative investigations. Australia would be at the forefront of a new co-operative age of tax collection and transparency, and the twilight of BEPS.
But inside the ATO itself there is a very different impression. The government might be talking tough on tax collection, but its enforcement is weak and getting weaker. When he was still shadow treasurer, Joe Hockey’s main criticism of the ATO was not that it was ineffectual in its collection duties, but that it was “overly aggressive”. It had an “insular and inward-looking culture that has put it at odds with taxpayers”.
“Taxpayers are not the enemy,” he told the National Press Club. “They should be respected.” He mooted a possible break-up of the ATO’s functions, and upon taking government, announced plans to hasten layoffs of 4700 staff over four years. Strangely, for a government that was to renew focus on transfer pricing, the specialist team within the ATO taking aim at multinational tax evasion was disbanded.
The staff cuts were said to be part of Hockey’s deficit-reduction treatment, though that explanation is baffling. Cutting funds to the tax collection arm of government may be the single most inefficient form of austerity there is – each dollar spent on enforcement brings in around six in additional revenue.
So if the rationale isn’t economic, what could it be? “They’re trying,” says Stiglitz, “to give a free ride to rich people.”
The government’s sabotage of its own efforts to go after multinationals caused the normally staid ATO to start leaking in earnest. Senior staff, or former senior staff, describe a transitory, junior bureaucratic culture, where the emphasis is on short, relatively simple investigations, preferably cases that can be cleared in 90 days or less. Often the crudest tactic in company tax avoidance is the most effective: time-wasting.
“There was also an absurd clear-out of senior transfer-pricing staff about two years ago, so there is very little likelihood of the ATO ‘manning-up’ on multinationals any time soon,” an anonymous former tax official told the Fairfax business reporter Michael West. “The best chance of that happening is if the revenue collapses and the government asks the commissioner to explain how that happened.”
To make matters worse, the nation’s big accountancy firms have skimmed off the best of the ATO’s former staff, turning them from gamekeepers into poachers. Armed with intimate knowledge of the inner workings of the ATO, their clients have become more adept at disguising their moves.
It’s not just compliance and enforcement that’s the issue. In practice, the government has offered no policy response to reduce corporate tax avoidance. Despite Hockey’s belligerent talk about tackling the problem, the government has no legislative agenda to rein in tax avoidance, other than to water down measures introduced by the previous government. Having opposed the Senate inquiry into corporate tax avoidance, Hockey seems to be pinning his hopes on brokering a unanimous, comprehensive and enforceable agreement at the G20.
The ATO is not totally toothless, though. In July it used a combination of big data techniques and coercive powers to commence a new hunt for tax evaders. “This data matching program will assist the ATO to identify taxpayers that may be operating outside the taxation and superannuation systems,” said ATO Assistant Commissioner Darryl Richardson.
He was talking about the Music Industry Royalty Payments Data Matching Program. The taxpayers “outside the system” were musicians.
Joe Hockey has earnt a reputation as being sympathetic to high finance. “Around the big banks and financial services industry – they love him,” the writer Joe Aston told the treasurer’s biographer. Hockey’s legacy of a tax-enforcement regime that’s both more enervated and collegial looks like it will cement that loving relationship.
The chasm between how the government treats the most powerful and the rest of us does not apply only to tax affairs. Consider the record of the Australian Securities and Investments Commission (ASIC), Australia’s chief corporate regulator. Like other Western enforcement agencies, its response to the global financial crisis was to do almost nothing. In the five-year period up to February 2014, it prosecuted just 32 insider-trading cases. It boasts failed or non-existent prosecutions in some of the biggest episodes of fraud and collapse in Australian corporate history, among them Securency, Banksia Securities, LM Investment Management, Storm Financial, RAMS and the AWB scandal.
Most recently, it refused to press charges against former Trio Capital executive Jack Flader, claiming it would be “irresponsible”. Flader is the mastermind of the largest superannuation fraud in Australian history; Trio collapsed in 2009, with executives stealing at least $180 million. Government paid the jilted investors $54 million in compensation. It took ASIC three years to interview Flader, leading the Sydney Morning Herald to describe him as a “poster boy for regulator indifference”.
Even in the mundane paperwork it oversees, ASIC itself concludes there is an “unacceptably high level of non-compliance with the financial reporting obligations by administrators of insolvent public companies”. Gina Rinehart’s Hancock Prospecting failed to lodge its annual financial reports on time for seven years. Not only were “reasonable excuses” acceptable, no excuses were necessary. With that kind of attitude to filing forms, Rinehart could find herself in trouble if she’s ever unemployed.
Budget cuts to ASIC are unlikely to improve this situation: 12% in 2014 alone, $120 million in the next five years. Almost 200 of its barely 1800 staff will be laid off. Again the excuse was budgetary, but the animus was openly ideological. In May, the parliamentary secretary to the treasurer, Steven Ciobo, told a post-budget breakfast that “the government thinks that there is scope for the financial services industry, and for all the other industries, to self-regulate more … There will always be (as a general statement of principle) our preference for self-regulation over the need to have a regulator [that is] taxpayer funded.” In response, ASIC admitted that it might be unable to perform its most basic consumer protection functions.
Chairman Greg Medcraft has made some disquieting comments. In 2013, he told a forum that experience has taught him “disclosure doesn’t work, in many cases”, that auditing often does more to hide corruption than expose it, and that “we can’t have cops on every street corner”. More recently, he said that Australia is a “paradise” for white-collar crime and that penalties are “not strong enough, not tough enough”. In June this year, a Senate inquiry concluded that, even accounting for ASIC’s limited powers and resources, “it appears to miss or ignore clear and persistent early warning signs of corporate wrongdoing or troubling”.
Hence, presumably, the new emphasis on self-regulation. It’s a philosophy that works in many ways, and has long been supported within ASIC. For instance, a secretive secondment program brings external corporate lawyers into the bosom of ASIC’s operations. James Wheeldon, a whistleblower who worked with the regulator on fee disclosure before he left in 2005, describes the process as “tainted by corruption”. Not only was his advice routinely ignored in favour of the interests of big banks and super funds, but he was also asked to take instruction from a lawyer on secondment from the fund manager MLC. The lawyer was helping to prepare ASIC’s response to a lobbying submission from MLC. He had helped to draft the original submission, and was now writing part of his own reply.
Nothing symbolises ASIC’s comical misallocation of resources better than the way it now conducts raids. Usually it doesn’t conduct them at all, and the most high-profile bust of 2013 wasn’t on a house or an office, or even a building. It was a tent, the abode of activist Jonathan Moylan, who sent out a hoax press release, ostensibly from ANZ, as part of an environmental campaign against Whitehaven coal. Investigators raided his campsite, seized his computer and phone, and quickly put together a criminal prosecution.
Compare that to what happened during the Commonwealth Bank’s financial planning scandal, where predatory advisers scammed an unknown number of customers out of millions of dollars. ASIC was handed evidence of widespread criminality by internal sources – it responded with a year of paralysis. Then, instead of prosecution or investigation, it reached a “settlement” with the bank, a compensation package that amounted to a fraction of the amount taken. The CBA apologised for its “defensiveness” on the issue, which included having consumer advocates tailed by private security firms, inducing the defrauded not to do media interviews, promoting advisers (including the infamous Don Nguyen) who had forged signatures, and giving huge bonuses to the executives who oversaw the toxic divisions. It claimed a “small number” of customers had been given “poor advice”. This number was later revised to a possible 400,000.
After all this, ASIC praised the CBA for its “co-operative and consultative approach”. The CBA explained that it had promoted Nguyen in 2008 so he would be “subject to higher levels of supervision”.
It’s this kind of behaviour that shows the illusory nature of the social contract that mutual obligation is supposed to be based on. The CBA isn’t exactly a rugged free-marketeer. Deemed too big to fail, it benefits from an effective subsidy estimated to be as much as $4.5 billion a year. The government rushed to guarantee the bank’s loans during the financial crisis, and funnels billions in compulsory superannuation its way every year. The minimum expectation in return is that it avoids rampant fraud. It can’t, and even the expectation that this criminality might be punished looks pathetically naive.
“I want a regulator that is feared, not a wimpy group of bureaucrats,” said Nationals Senator John Williams, a key figure in the Senate inquiry into ASIC’s failings, and almost alone in the Coalition in making such criticisms. More representative of his party-mates is Senator David Bushby, chair of the Coalition Economics Committee. Bushby absented himself from Senate hearings where the victims of CBA scams gave evidence. He then produced the sole dissenting report from the inquiry, which otherwise called for a royal commission. Part of his reasoning was emotional. A commission “could protract the emotional strains on victims of malpractice over a longer time period, without the advantage of offering additional remedies beyond those that are already being worked through”. Unwilling to listen to the victims, he was happy to speak on their behalf.
Bushby also stressed the importance of waiting for the outcome of the banking inquiry headed by David Murray, while also suggesting that the banks had learnt their lesson. This dissent, six pages in a 547-page report, was taken up by both Tony Abbott and the finance minister, Mathias Cormann.
The truth is that the banks have learnt their lesson: they know that the people supposed to hold them to account will believe almost anything they say. No matter how many times regulators, judges, politicians or even sections of the media encounter fraud and wrongdoing, it seems a fresh shock every time.
After evidence of endemic fraud, ASIC still trusted the CBA to run the compensation program itself with no oversight, and was so credulous about the CBA’s claims that it cribbed material from the bank for its own submission to the Senate inquiry. Full of lies, it had to be pulled and amended.
“I think it is fair to say that the level of trust and confidence was misplaced by us,” said the ASIC chairman.
The response from the financial industry itself was robustly frank.
“No shit,” wrote John Addis, the director of Intelligent Investor Share Advisor.
Limiting the ban on one of Australia’s most disgraced businessmen to seven years, Administrative Appeals Tribunal member Geri Ettinger said: “I am mindful that there is no allegation that Mr Nguyen engaged in dishonest conduct.” His document-forging was never mentioned.
“The CFP [Commonwealth Financial Planning] outcome reverberated around the financial advice industry,” said Greg Medcraft, as he gravely delivered a slap on the wrist, “and sent a very clear message that ASIC is deadly serious about lifting standards.” The only reverberation was from laughter.
Another Senate inquiry, pushed by the Greens and lacking the support of the government, will examine large-scale tax evasion. There will be well-meaning declarations made at G20. But within the ATO, few expect significant changes. Now the emphasis isn’t on enforcement but “settlement”, avoiding litigation in secret. Not threatening any jobs. More like an agreement among friends.
That suits the government. You might call it a “general statement of principle”. Besides, their attention is elsewhere. News.com.au is running stories on scam welfare recipients again. Under the headline, ‘It’s so easy to fudge a bludge: Online guides used to con doctors into giving out disability support pensions’, the yarn outlines how web forum users share information about how to maintain benefits.
On the web forums themselves, most people are trying to figure out how to get by. “If you do a bit of volunteer work, a bit of study, do some part-time work, you cut your own throat,” wrote one “con artist”. That’s apparently one of the more common kinds of scam among the disabled – trying to work.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.
“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”
The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.
Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.
Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.
However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.
“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”
The day was not a total write-off however.
House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.
Why is our fake news so much better than our “real” news? Oh, never mind, we all know the answer. Via Rolling Stone:
As Last Week Tonight host John Oliver notes early in his incredible, 20-minute examination of the global battle being fought over tobacco advertising, the smoking rate in the United States has dropped from 43 percent in 1965 to 18 percent today thanks to strict laws outlawing cigarette ads.
With America largely kicking its smoking habit, the tobacco industry has been forced to make up the revenues abroad, leading to court battles in countries like Australia, Uruguay and Togo, one of the 10 poorest nations in the world.
Oliver’s takedown also focuses on the extreme lengths companies like Philip Morris International are going to place their products in the hands of the youth, including a Marlboro-sponsored kiosk outside an Indonesian school where teens can purchase a single cigarette for a dime.
I didn’t think I would ever do this again because the last time I wrote none of you ungratefull bastards appreciated the wisdom of my words. All yous could do was have a go at me gramma. Even after me sons final year English class at Melbourne Gramma proofed it.
Anyway Im upset, again about the dispectfull way in which your writers are treating one of the finest prime ministers we have ever had. Even to the point of commenting on his receeding hair. No bloody wonder hes loosing it with all the crap he has to take. I meam Juliar also had a hair problem. I agree with Chris Kenny. Quote.
‘’For all the coalitions failings and missteps it is surely incontestable that Tony Abbott has provided the best 16 months of government Australia has seen in 7 years.’’ Absolutely incontestable.”
You can do as many fact checks as you want but they will never be a substitute for the truth.
I mean look at some of the things he has done. Hes put Bronnie in charge of the house and made the whole thing more equitable (did ya like that word) and fairer. Now she is a women with balls and is displaying an unbiased approach to the job that has been lacking with Labor speakers.
And with a cabinet shuffle hes fixed the sexual imbalance.
Just before I go on. I read that piece by John Lord; “Why are the Right so Feral?”
Fair dinkum. He wouldn’t know shit from clay. I’d suggest he takes a hold of himself. Surely it’s clear to everyone that we need to be free to pursue wealth. I mean I needed the freedom to accept my inheritance. The same with Gina. There will always be haves and have nots. Lifters and leaners as Joe calls them. Even Jesus said that. And Ronald Regan said. If we keep giving more money to the rich, everyone will have more money. It’s called tickle down economics.
And all this shit about the budget being unfair.
It wasn’t it was just misunderstood. Joe was just sayin that the poor and middle classes had to support the rich. Christ anyone can understand that.
It was the fairest budget in fifty years. I mean what choice did Joe have? Someone has to pay to balance the books and it shouldn’t be those creating the wealth. People need to understand the stress involved in wealth creation.
Conservatives were born to control capitol. Labour comes after capital. Not everyone can be effluent. Had we had less regulation and let market forces have their way we wouldn’t have had a Global Financial Crisis. Now look at the mess Tony has to get the world out of.
Oh and another thing. At the risk of repeating myself. I didn’t appreciate all the sarcastic remarks from those people last time. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.I can only say that good manners is a basic tenant of conservation. And women should be obscene and not heard.
Now where was I? Yes? There is no inequity in society. It’s just that some deserve more than others. We were born to rule. If we don’t have poor people who’s going to do the work.
That’s why I admire Christopher Pyne. It talks a lot of courage to do what hes doin even if I don’t understand what it is. I mean two many educated people can be dangerous for society.
They might all want to be wealthy.
And we don’t tell lies.
And talking about lies. How stupid people can be. Have a read of this letter I found in the AGE. I mean really.
“Some time back Tony Abbott told us that the best way to understand the truth of what he was saying was to have it in writing. Otherwise what he was saying was just idle chatter for an audience. So now I’m a little confused. You see now he is saying that what I thought he said is only a figment of my imagination. That what I think I thought he meant is not what he meant at all. That when he says something and I take it to mean one thing he has the option of saying that what I thought I heard was not what I heard at all. It was only my interpretation of what he meant. I mean, did he say what he meant or did he mean to say what he meant or was what he meant really what he meant.
I know that I am 75 and I have the odd senior moment but usually I know what I mean and what is meant by what I say. I also know that people understand what I’m meaning.
The silly confused old fart must be suffering from dementia.”
And all that nonsense about knighthoods. He should have given John Howard one too. He would have appreciated it for sure. I mean really think about the contribution Philip has made to our country. I mean really think it if your capable. And I’m sure Philip will keep up the good work. When and if we see him.
Anyhow I think all the writers on this blog show such little respect for Tony its just revolting. I think you’re that dumb that you must be three bricks short of a load or not the full two bobs worth. Either that or your three sanwhiches short of a picnic.
And most of the comments have to be a joke – no-one can be that stupid and arrogant, unless they are members of the Greens.
And that fellow. Ive forgotton what his name is. Your comment about me being a lesbeim was despickable. I could describe you as a pain in the neck but I have a much lower opinion of you.
There were so manny comments regarding mylast letter. All of them in such poor taste that I feel I cannot avail myself to share my wisdom with you again. I can only hope and pray that someday the working classes will come to their senses and show their appreciation for the effluence we share.
. I think you are all so mean that if I paid you a compliment you would probably ask for a receipt.
So stick it up ya jumpa.
Morrie Moneyweather from Malvern.
PS , Tony is the best thing to ever happen to this country? So tell the person who runs this sight that he needs a manager. Hes been handlin himself to long. Good government started last week. Cant remember the exact date.
BEAVER, UTAH (CT&P) – The bloodthirsty asshole who shot and killed Echo, the grey wolf who traveled over 750 miles from the Northern Rockies to the Grand Canyon, has admitted to authorities that his penis and testicles are far below average in size.
The hunter, whose name is being kept secret for fear that actual decent human beings would surround his trailer and skin him alive, told officials that he had “always been insecure about his sexual organs”, and that is one of the main reasons he liked to inflict pain on innocent animals.
The pitiful excuse for a man told U.S. Fish and Game officers that he had mistaken the wolf for a coyote.
Genetic tests conducted at the University of Idaho found that the DNA sample taken from the wolf killed on December 28 was identical to the DNA in scat samples taken from Echo, the name given to the Grand Canyon wolf following a worldwide naming contest among schoolchildren.
Wolves in Utah are protected under the Endangered Species Act, and hunting them can bring penalties of up to a year in prison and tens of thousands of dollars in fines. A spokesperson for the Fish and Wildlife Service would not comment on the shooting, but said the investigation is under way.
“I find it very difficult to believe that this asshole could not tell the difference between a coyote and a grey wolf, said the spokesman. “Any third grader could tell the difference with one eye closed, and it would be damn near impossible to miss the huge radio collar that Echo was wearing.”
“I think it’s far more likely that this shithead, like most hunters, is trying to compensate for his pencil dick and shrunken testicles by going out and murdering any animal that he comes across. I’m sure he also beats his wife and kids in his spare time.”
The loss of the wolf made international news and has sparked anti-hunting protests across the country.
“It’s very sad news,” said Michael Robinson, a conservationist and wolf advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. “We and a lot of other people were rooting for her. Echo’s death illustrates the peril wolves face even under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.”
“We certainly hope that this moron will do time and be forced to pay some heavy fines,” said Robinson. Maybe in prison he’ll be able to find someone lonely enough to appreciate his miniscule member. People like this son of bitch should be sterilized before they are able to reproduce.”
Britain’s far-right is the weakest it has been in 20 years largely due to its own incompetence, a report finds.
Despite “favorable” conditions such as the rise of Islamic State (also known as ISIS, or ISIL) and the Rotherham child grooming scandal, which saw organized child abuse perpetrated by a group of Muslim men, the far-right in the UK is “shrinking.”
The decline of groups such as the British National Party (BNP) and the English Defence League (EDL) is largely down to the neo-Nazis’ own ineptitude, as they are “divided and increasingly leaderless.”
The findings were published in an annual report by Hope Not Hate, an anti-racism and anti-fascist group backed by the labor movement.
The report, titled: “The state of hate in 2014” found cause for concern in the rise of anti-Semitism in the UK.
“Against a depressed economy, fear of violent Islamism and rising anti-immigrant rhetoric in the public mainstream, this should be the time to make hay. Instead, the far-right is shrinking, divided and increasingly leaderless,” the report contends.
“The British far-right ends 2014 in its worst state for almost 20 years,” it says.
Hope Not Hate point to Nick Griffin’s fall from grace in the BNP, the rise of UKIP, and the departure of EDL founder Stephen Lennon – who goes by the alias Tommy Robinson – from the group as causes of the far-right’s weakness.
Nick Griffin was given the sack as leader of the BNP after the party lost both its MEPs in the European Elections last year and 56 out of 58 of its local councilors.
Former far-right British National Party (BNP) leader, Nick Griffin (Reuters / Olivia Harris)
The drop in support is partly down to the rise of the populist right-wing UKIP, the report argues, which despite not being a far-right party itself, has nonetheless “steamrollered” through their support base.
“While UKIP is not the BNP and Farage is not Griffin, it is clear that most former BNP voters feel quite at home in the UKIP stable.”
However, the report also places blame on a shift of focus away from the ballot box and towards street activism.
Following Stephen Lennon’s departure, “the EDL has stumbled on with little success. It set up a collegiate form of leadership but further resignations and personal and political feuds have largely rendered the group ineffective.”
Lennon left the EDL in October 2013, claiming the party had become too extreme and he wanted to use democratic ideas instead of violence.
However, Hope Not Hate claim that Lennon is currently considering a return to the EDL, as soon as his probation for a mortgage fraud conviction is served this summer.
Despite the decline of Britain’s far-right groups, Hope Not Hate expressed concern over the emergence of anti-Semitism in the UK.
Jewish Labour MP Luciana Berger received 20 death threats and over 2,000 hate tweets last year, after Garron Helm was convicted for sending anti-Semitic messages to the MP.
Good news: support for UK far-right groups at an all time low. Bad news: some of their ideas have gone mainstream.
Far-right politics in the UK first emerged in the 1930s.
At this time it was made up of Nazi co-thinkers such as Oswald Mosley, who founded the British Union of Fascists (BUF).
Banned at the outbreak of war with Germany, the BUF was dissolved in 1940. At the time of its dissolution BUF membership was approaching 20,000.
As more and more former colonies were granted independence in the 1950s, the British far-right re-emerged under the banner of empire.
The League of Empire Loyalists initially campaigned against granting colonies independence, but later shifted its focus to opposing immigration from the same colonies they once strived to maintain control of.
“Support for British Far Right at 20 Year Low” …but only because their supporters have a mainstream political right wing party to support.
Since April 19, 1995, Oklahoma has held a special place in the US terror imagination. For Muslim-Americans, their current state as social pariah number one, holds unpleasant reminders of the post Oklahoma City indictment of Islam. Almost two decades later, conditions are being replicated following a beheading outside Oklahoma City on September 25. Alton Nolen, a 30-year-old local, severed the head of Colleen Hufford – a former colleague at the food-distribution company that had recently fired him.
Following the gruesome incident, media outlets immediately sought to link this savagery to the man’s recent conversion to Islam. His extensive criminal record was merely a sideshow, skipped over, in order to focus the public attention on the presupposed “guilt” of Islamic doctrine.
Naturally the subhuman violence popularised by ISIL, including, but not limited to beheading, allowed pundits with little information of the crime motives, to blithely connect Nolen’s act with a terrorist network. Worse still, for a community already under an aggressive media spotlight – clear efforts were made to seek a connection (however tenuous) between Muslim-Americans and ISIL.
As the media hype about the first workplace beheading in the US reached fever pitch, it became nauseatingly clear that the true motive and the specific personality of the culprit were considered by news desks as something of an irrelevance to the story. Which by now had its own wrong-headed “terror-based” momentum.
But these days, no burden-of-guilt on the Muslim community is complete without a desperately worded and rushed out apology by community leaders and imams for crimes at home or abroad.
Politics of apology
These days, the quintessential hallmark of being Muslim in America is neither faith nor citizenship. Rather, the essence of Muslim-American identity right now is the collective fear which arises during national security crises. It is increasingly these “interim moments, between catastrophe and discovering the real culprits [of terrorism],” which most aptly defines so much of the experience of being Muslim and American today.
Although the overwhelming majority of terrorist attacks are committed by non-Muslims, the prevailing narrative conflating mass violence with Islam trumps statistics, easily shifting the presumption of guilt onto every adherent of the faith, via hyped up news bulletins.
These days, no burden-of-guilt on the Muslim community is complete without a desperately worded and rushed out apology by community leaders and imams for crimes at home or abroad.
The immediate search to indict Islam after every atrocious act has, systematically, bred a defensive posture among Muslim-American citizens and our institutions. The practice of assigning instant guilt, combined with the American understanding of Islam as a spiritual, ideological and demographical monolith, has pushed Muslim-Americans into the proverbial corner. Trapped between “supporting terrorism” and a hard place, Muslim-Americans are perpetually burdened with guilt by association of faith.
And we ourselves are not without blame for this sorry state of affairs. Muslim-American leaders (some self-appointed) and too many of our major institutions have largely ceded to intimidation. There are various elements at play.
Being the first to speak out when a new atrocity breaks, can mean a great deal of airtime and publicity for the “Muslim spokesperson”. And it is a long accepted fact that an invitation to White House dinners is on offer to Muslims who are willing to jump on the blame bandwagon. Those who sadly may be putting personal ambitions above long term community strategy, curry favour with government agencies that profile, prosecute, and persecute Muslim-Americans.
An apology is far more than an act of remorse when made to the media by Muslim-Americans. It is an admission of tacit guilt. Let me give you an example: If someone living on my road whom I’ve never met, steals your bike, do I apologise for it? And if I did, wouldn’t you wonder why I was linking myself to the crime?
Eroding stereotypes
Oklahoma, aptly named the “Sooner State” represents the American rush towards judging Islam as responsible for violent atrocities before facts are collected and assessed. This was the case in 1995 with the Oklahoma City bombing and with last week’s workplace beheading.
Now social media activists are seeking to breakaway from the confines of apologia. The Twitter hashtag kicked off by frustrated Muslim youth living in the West #MuslimApologies has brilliantly poked fun at the societal pressure to say sorry continually, nonsensically almost impulsively for all of the worlds ills – if you are Muslim.
Deftly catching the real atmosphere in the Muslim community humour is soothing our community’s soul and giving others an insight into the ludicrous nature of our dilemma.
Assed Baig: “I’m sorry that we keep getting in the way of your drone strikes.” Or how about this from “Raz”: “I’m sorry my beard scares you. It’s hormonal, I swear.”
Choosing to demonstrate that Muslims are diverse, this budding outlook may very well offer the strategic means to move beyond the bleak, dated, sorry state, that grips many organisational gatekeepers, and fails all of us in the US with its vacuousness.
Khaled A Beydoun is an Assistant Professor of Law at the Barry University Dwayne O Andreas School of Law. He is a native of Detroit.
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”
“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”
Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.
In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.
“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.
When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”
Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.
“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.
“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.
“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.
“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”
“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.
HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.
“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.’”
Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.
Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.
“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”
Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.
“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”
Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.
“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”
Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.
“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.
“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.
“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”
The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.
“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”
“Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”
The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.
“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”
Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.
California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”
“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, I mean, fuck!”
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.
Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.
“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”
Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.
Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia. The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.
“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”
Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.
“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”
As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.
“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.
On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.
“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”
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