Every Muslim who speaks out is expected to own, explain and condemn any act carried out by Muslims worldwide. The same doesn’t apply to Catholics
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a spate of annoying telephone pranks that has lasted nearly two weeks, heads of state from around the world have been receiving crank calls from someone claiming to be the President of the United States, the United Nations reported on Thursday.
According to the U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, who has fielded complaints about the crank calls, the caller has tormented leaders from Mexico, Australia, and many other countries.
“The pattern is always the same,” Gutteres said. “The caller is identified as the President of the United States, so naturally he is put right through. Once he is connected with the head of state, he begins to speak in a threatening and harassing manner.”
“Then, as his threats reach a crescendo, he hangs up,” Gutteres said. “Clearly, it’s someone’s idea of a sick joke.”
The Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, became a victim of the crank caller over the weekend, an experience that he called “highly irritating.”
“I’m a very busy man, and I don’t have time to be the butt of some deranged person’s joke,” Turnbull said. “I’ve blocked the phone number, and I understand other heads of state have done the same.”
Donald Trump’s statement that the US should have taken Iraq’s oil after invading their country in 2003 is a worry on a number of fronts.
There’s a new industrial revolution just around the corner, and deterioration within the key institutions of suffrage, education and land policy indicate that Australia may be one of the countries left behind this time.
Better understanding the causes of social alienation is the key to solving the problem of domestic terrorism — not closing the gates on the alienated entirely, writes Christopher Elliott.
There was a time when Rupert Murdoch was not all powerful in Australia. There was a time when politicians weren’t scared to speak up and journalists had some integrity. Hawke and Keating changed all that. Back when truth still mattered, in the midst of the 1975 election, 109 Murdoch journalists went on strike. Murdoch’s overt…
Upper-class ‘welfare’ runs rampant through the Australian taxation system — making street beggars look like they’re just not trying.
Former prime minister Paul Keating says Australia should “cut the tag” with the United States following Donald Trump’s shock win in Tuesday’s presidential election, and instead assert our own foreign policy in the Asian region.
Same-sex marriage now joins serious climate change policy as one of Australian politics’ unachievables, where the machinations of parliament sit entirely at odds with the demonstrated popular will.
The stench of corruption is in the air as we learn more about Stuart Robert, his mates Sunland, and the shady players of Gold Coast politics, writes Judy Spence.
SYRIAN President Bashar al-Assad has accused Australia and the United States of intentionally targeting his forces in an air strike that killed 83 soldiers.
By James Moylan Our politicians have sold our country out from under the feet of the citizenry. We are no longer even the primary audience that our politicians are worried about. Policies are now crafted to be suitable to the Murdoch and Fairfax organisations and the big end of town. Exclusively. Common sense does not…
I’m here to talk about the census. I love the census! But the Australian Bureau of Statistics have trashed it with their hubris and overreach
John Passant discusses Australia’s shifting political divide in light of growing global austerity and the rise of extremism.
Hannah Cohen, 18, was on her way home from St Jude’s Hospital when a scanner went off and led to incident that left her ‘physically and emotionally’ injured
Britain’s decision to leave the European Union has opened a fundamental crack in the Western world.
The treatment of low-paid workers in Australia today is reminiscent of master-servant relationships we supposedly ditched last century
Getting paid $270 to stay in your own house, without any of the tax implications that apply to other people, is just a quirk of the system, say a group of people who are uniquely placed to change the system.
“It does feel a little unfair that taxpayers would be lumped with paying off our investment properties, with us getting all of the capital gains. But laws are laws,” said Finance Minister Mathias Cormann, adding, “Do you know anyone whose job it is to make and change laws?”
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said he didn’t want or need the money, but took it anyway because he was a stickler for the rules. “I wouldn’t want to mess around with the powers that be,” he said at a campaign function about the need for Australians to lessen their reliance on Government.
The Turnbull government has again rejected the sale of Australia’s largest private land holding to a Chinese business interests, declaring the proposed deal was not in the national interest.
Uncertainty about the exact date of the next mid-cycle Prime Ministerial knifing has been laid to rest, with the overthrow now locked in for September of next year.
It follows Malcolm Turnbull’s confirmation of this year’s election date of July 2nd.
ABC electoral analyst Antony Green said it was good to finally have some certainty. “There’s been so much speculation about when the next Prime Minister would be boned, but now we know the election date, we can work forwards logically from there”.
He said we would welcome our 30th Prime Minister on the 2nd of July, and our 31st Prime Minister in the first week of Spring 2017. “That will give the Prime Minister – whether it’s Malcolm Turnbull or Bill Shorten – a good 13-14 months to settle into the job, before everyone gets bored, loses their shit, and looks for a fresh start. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited”.
When some people speak of the previous Labor government, they talk of disunity or of debt, which ignores the many wonderful achievements of the Rudd/Gillard years. I think of the Apology to the Stolen Generation and for forced adoptions. I think of the Reconciliation Walk across the Harbor Bridge. I was proud that we were…
In an embarrassing blunder, the RBA today released a new Australian $5 note featuring a woman who has never actually lived here.
The RBA blamed the error on a junior intern who they claimed was messing around with the designs in Photoshop. “We accidently sent the wrong mock-up to print. It was, of course, supposed to feature a prominent Australian”.
The note, which also features native Australian birds and Nandos grilled corn on the cob, will enter circulation in September this year.
Anti-corruption experts in the US and Europe have urged Australia to properly resource and empower its anti-bribery regime as Australia emerges as the “dumping ground” for dirty money from Asia.
Exclusive: Man’s last-minute plea to immigration minister Peter Dutton to consider Afghanistan’s worsening security situation has been rejected
In Afghanistan, more and more Hazara are preparing to flee the Taliban, just as Australia has started returning Hazara asylum seekers for the first time since 2001
Former Treasurer, now US Ambassador Joe Hockey has written to the New York Times again, just days after his letter defending Australia’s climate change record was published. We’ve reproduced his most recent letter below.
Where the fuck are you supposed to sit when you have a pizza in this city? I mean, seriously, where do you sit? You order a slice of pizza from some hole in the wall place, and then you take the pizza, and then there’s literally nowhere to sit.
Have you actually tried to eat a piece of pizza standing up in Midtown, or Soho, or the Lower East Side? It’s a fucking riot – there are people everywhere knocking into you. What if you’re carrying a bag? Just yesterday I spilt half a pepperoni pizza over a new white shirt because I couldn’t find a table. I exploded.
All I want is a little table on the street, maybe two pushed together if I’m with friends, so I can sit and eat my pizza properly. But no, you’re not allowed to do that. Regulations won’t allow it. Regulations! Jesus.
I actually tracked down the mayor to complain. It was six o’clock on a Friday night – I think the whole neighbourhood heard what I had to say. Except the mayor – he was at a meeting at the time, or something like that. Probably making up more regulations. But I’ll certainly be following it up.
While I’ve got you, tell me about the slices thing. Why not a full pizza? A full, circular pizza that you can divide up to share with your family. It’s not that fucking hard. You think you’re such a fancy advanced nation, but you haven’t worked out how to make a pizza in the shape of a circle.
Make it happen.
Ambassador of Australia, Washington
While sticking to the blueprint that stopped the boats, the Prime Minister needs to clean up the damage left behind.
Deng Thiak Adut’s story shows how compassion, acceptance and integration can save innocent lives and benefit a recipient country.
The OECD wants to phase out export credit agencies providing money for coal projects. Australia, almost alone, might stand in its way
Australia’s militarised border protection policy borrows its methods from the war on terror – not least by moving questionable activities offshore and outside the easy reach of courts
Saturday 5 September 1 “If you want to stop the deaths, if you want to stop the drownings, you’ve got to stop the boats,” Mr Abbott told ABC Murray Goulburn Local Radio. In making this statement he ignores the fundamental fact that in Syria 300,000 people have been killed so that stopping the boats actually…
This government and this country need to think long and hard about what it means to say “no more Muslims”
Unlike Lebanon or Turkey dealing with over two million asylum seekers, the EU is not really facing ‘a crisis’, said Anas El Gomati of the Libya-based Sadeq Institute think tank. European politicians are flaming xenophobic sentiment to get political power, he adds.