CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.

Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.

Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.

“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.

“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.

The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.

“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”

When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”

“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”

The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.

“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.

“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”

THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.

“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.

“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”

Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.

“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.

“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.

“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”

Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.

The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.

“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.

“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”

Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.

“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.

“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”

The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.

When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.

President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.

ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.

The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.

“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.

“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.

“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.

“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”

Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!

“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”

IRVING, TEXAS – (CT&P) – On his radio program yesterday, panic monkey, conspiracy theorist, and born-again Mormon cult member Glenn Beck announced that insiders from several previously unknown American intelligence agencies had revealed to him that they had finally determined the identity of “half bomb” maker Ahmed Mohamed’s partner in crime.

“I can now say with 100% certainty that I know the identity of Ahmed’s co-conspirator, and it’s Sasquatch, more commonly known as Bigfoot,” said Beck, as he posed in front of a nonsensical poster that featured a flow chart, a bell curve, and arrows pointing to the names of shadowy Jewish media figures, an artist’s rendering of Bigfoot at a Planned Parenthood meeting, and a long-range photo of members of the Illuminati attending a NASCAR race.

“You can bank on this information just like you did my predictions of worldwide disaster on September 13th earlier this month,” said Beck, as he adjusted his tin hat, “and we all know I was right about that.”

Beck claimed that after the hardened 14-year-old genius terrorist stood up to over 48 hours of grilling by the Irving Police department and the FBI, Beck’s friends in an unknown “but really important” U.S. intelligence unit whisked Ahmed off to a black site and used “enhanced interrogation techniques” on him.

Ahmed was supposedly subjected to reruns of Beck’s old programs on Fox News and tapes of campaign speeches by current mayor of Irving and ignorant slut Beth Van Duyne.

Ahmed is said to have coughed up the truth in less than two hours.

It seems that Bigfoot, after a meeting with the shadowy hierarchy in charge of removing the brains from flailing newborns at Planned Parenthood abortion factories, was supposed to meet Ahmed at an Irving Arby’s and provide the deadly explosives that would turn his “clock” into a 30 megaton nuclear device.

However, Bigfoot was unavoidably detained by a traffic jam outside a Bernie Sanders campaign appearance in Austin and missed the clandestine meeting, forcing Ahmed to go with the “innocent clock” story. The rest is history.

“Ahmed represents the tip of the iceberg of the Muslim threat we face in this country,” said Beck, as he fiddled with his super secret ballpoint pen camera. “There are training camps all over Mexico where ISIS recruits are conspiring with descendant of the Knights Templar and secret societies that send messages on one dollar bills. I tell you we are all fucking doomed!

‘In the meantime I would appreciate it if you would continue to send me money and support my various hare-brained theories so I can single-handedly save the world from people who don’t love Jesus. Thank you and good luck.”

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Dimwit, religious kook, and Irving, Texas Mayor Beth Van Duyne announced at a press conference this morning that all digital clocks currently in use within the city limits of the Dallas suburb will be seized by police if not turned in by 8:00 A.M. Central Time on Monday.

The ban was put into effect by executive order at 9:00 A.M. this morning.

“All digital clocks currently in use by businesses, churches, whorehouses, Christian militias, and the general public should be handed in over the weekend to police stationed at  collection points we’ve set up around the city,” said Van Bruyne, as saliva dribbled from the side of her mouth.

“These clocks represent a ‘clear and present danger’ to our safety as Americans who love Jesus. We regret that this action is necessary, but it has become apparent to us that it is impossible for schoolteachers and police to tell the difference between a hydrogen bomb and an innocent digital clock used to tell time or wake your sorry ass up after a late night on the town in Dallas.”

Mayor Van Duyne’s action was deemed necessary after a brilliant young student, Ahmed Mohamed, brought a homemade clock to school which teachers and police mistook for a 30 megaton nuclear device.

Ahmed was subsequently handcuffed and dragged away by Irving’s version of jack-booted Nazi thugs, and received a three-day suspension from school for exhibiting “creativity, critical thought, and an intellect unbecoming to the Christian religion.”

“We just can’t afford to take chances with these Mooslims and our electronic devices,” said Van Duyne, as she clicked a couple of ball bearings together in her right hand. “Digital clocks are mysterious gadgets and no one in Texas has ever really understood how they work. You never know when one might vaporize a city, and I’m just not willing to take a chance like that with the lives our white Christian citizens.”

Rupert McTurd, president of the Partially Sane Residents of Dallas County Civil Rights Protection League, told CNN that the ban was the result of Van Duyne’s lifelong battle with paranoid schizophrenia.

“This is the same woman that’s terrified that sharia law is going to instituted in a 95% white Christian community,” said McTurd. “She’s been out of her fucking mind for quite some time now, and the only reason she got elected in the first place is because she looks like a used up ex-cheerleader from Muleshoe, and she has roughly the same IQ.”

PSRDCCR and other civil rights groups have already filed lawsuits in federal court today to overturn the ban and have Van Duyne committed to a psychiatric facility in Radiation Flats just south of Lubbock.