SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.
Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.
The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.
The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.
Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”
Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.
“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”
Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”
Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.
Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.
“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ‘em!”
WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives continued the time-honored tradition of wasting time and taxpayer’s money by passing legislation to roll back Obamacare on Tuesday.
The vote was entirely symbolic in nature because everyone in the chamber knows full well that the members of the U.S. Senate will not be passing a companion bill and even if that were the case President Obama would veto it.
The vote was Buffoons 239, Reasonable Individuals 186, with no House Democrat supporting the measure and three House GOP freshmen opposing it.
This latest vote marked the 67th time the House has wasted our time and gone out of its way to look like a bunch of idiot children by voting to entirely repeal, defund or change some provisions of President Barack Obama’s signature health care law.
“We know the vote was a ridiculous exercise in stupidity, but we had to give the new members of our mentally deficient caucus the chance to vote against Obamacare,” said House Speaker John Boehner, while on a smoke break in the men’s restroom. “After all, no one wants to go home to his district and face the wrath of ignorant hicks without being able to say he has no compassion for the less fortunate.”
The vote precipitated predictable reactions across the country, with reasonable and compassionate folks rolling their eyes at the antics of a bunch of schoolchildren. The result was quite different however within the army of right-wing supporters made up of simpletons, rednecks, free-market capitalists, fascists, and evangelical right-wing Christians who seem to have no compassion for anyone except themselves.
A compilation of reactions from the right wing and its supporters has graciously been made available to us from CNN.
Here are some examples:
The vote, like all the previous votes to repeal Obamacare, is expected to get the GOP exactly nowhere with the American public. Recent polls conducted by everyone other than Fox News shows that a majority of Americans want to keep the program in place or tweak it slightly in order to improve it. Only about 20% of Americans, representing the most militantly stupid portion of our population, want to repeal the law and go back to the old system. Furthermore, enrollment in the healthcare system continues to rise, and the more people who sign up, the less likely a repeal becomes.
However, polls seem to have no effect on far right politicians, who have to kowtow to a rabid base who yearn for a return to the Middle Ages. In fact, Speaker Boehner has scheduled at least a dozen more votes to repeal Obamacare before the August recess, so GOP members can go back and brag about how they are standing up to the “emperor” in the White House.
“We just can’t afford to be seen as cooperating with anyone who wants to help the poor and less fortunate,” said Boehner, as the orange skinned Speaker chugged a whiskey sour. “All our campaign money would dry up overnight!”
CHARLOTTE, N.C. (CT&P) – Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC) shocked a group of his supporters last night at a fundraiser in Lizard Lick, just outside of Raleigh. The fundraiser was held Joe Bob’s Pit Barbecue, a fine dining establishment famous for its pulled pork plates, lip-smacking ribs, and tender smoked toddler.
In an apparent attempt to make a point about deregulation of hand-washing requirements for restaurants,Tillis refused to wash his hands before devouring a newborn child fresh out of the smoker.
“The government has no business telling me how clean and sanitary I ought to be,” said Tillis, as he chewed on the tasty infant. “It’s high time we got public officials out of the business of public health!”
Supporters and employees stared in disbelief as he continued to consume the child before having made sure his hands were clean.
“I could not believe my eyes,” said Myrtle Mulesweat from Bat Cave. “I would never eat a baby without first washing my hands. It’s disgusting!”
Billy Bob Bullsmegma of Syphilis Falls agreed: “He shore as hell ain’t gettin’ my vote no more. We may not have ‘lectric at my cabin but we always go down to the crick and wash up before dinner. Otherwise Mama would tan our hides!”
Tillis stirred up controversy earlier in the week by recounting a story from 2010.
“I was having a discussion with someone, and we were at a Starbucks in my district, and we were talking about certain regulations where I felt like ‘maybe you should allow businesses to opt out,’” he said. When the conversation turned to restaurant regulations, Tillis recalled saying, “I don’t have any problem with Starbucks if they choose to opt out of this policy as long as they post a sign that says ‘We don’t require our employees to wash their hands after leaving the restroom.’ The market will take care of that. It’s one example.”
Since recounting this exchange Tillis has become the butt of jokes all over the internet and television, but he has taken all the criticism in stride.
“I firmly believe that people have the right to be as filthy as they want, and that goes for whoever is serving you your food as well,” said Tillis. “The free market will take care of it, just like it does in West Africa. You don’t see a bunch of stormtrooper health officials interfering with people’s lives over there, no sir!”
Tillis’ next fundraiser is scheduled to be held at Norm’s Authentic Aztec Grill in Kill Devil Hills, owned and managed by Norman Dahmer. Norm’s specialty dish is human heart tartare.
BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA (CT&P) – Controversial and dumb as dirt Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore has been declared “legally fucking insane” by a team of esteemed psychiatrists from the University of Alabama in Birmingham. A clerk for the judge responded to the decision by saying that the doctors were obviously the servants of Lucifer and are part of a huge conspiracy to undermine the judge and his wacked-out ideas.
The judge has been involved in some of the most idiotic escapades in the history of jurisprudence over his illustrious career, which has been devoted to resisting change and progress at every turn.
Judge Moore, who regularly criticizes any idea hatched after the Middle Ages, became nationally known for his refusal, in 2003, in his first term as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Alabama Judicial Building despite orders to do so from a federal judge. On November 13, 2003, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary unanimously removed Moore from his post as Chief Justice on the grounds that he was “too ignorant to hold the post and was making Alabama the laughing stock of the entire country.”
On November 6, 2012, the apparently masochistic voters in the State of Alabama voted Moore back to the office of Alabama Chief Justice. He defeated Democratic candidate Bob Vance.
Recently, Moore made headlines again when in a letter to Alabama Governor Robert Bentley he urged the governor to ignore the federal ruling striking down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. In the letter the deranged judge compared himself to abolitionists and desegregationists standing up against the “rejection of God’s law by the satanic demons currently possessing the federal judiciary.”
The psychiatric team from UAB, led by Dr. Adrienne Lahti, Director for the Division of Behavioral Neurobiology, found that Judge Moore has paranoid delusions concerning the federal government and believes that he has a direct line of communication with God and Saint Peter.
“The man is unhinged,” said Lahti, in an interview with the Birmingham News. “He thinks he is some sort of holy warrior sent by God to save the state and the country from the evils of homosexuality. We think that this sexual insecurity stems from the fact that he did not get enough attention as a child.”
Dr. Andrea Dickens, Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services and part of the team that examined Judge Moore, agreed. “The man is out of his fucking mind. He’s a threat to himself and all those around him. Having him on the Alabama Supreme Court is like putting a two year old in charge of a nuclear plant. It’s insane.”
The team has recommended that Judge Moore be placed in secure institution until such time that he does not pose a threat to himself or the public, which should be just after hell freezes over.
PHOENIX, ARIZONA (CT&P) – Ruler of the Universe and Supreme Being the Lord Our God abruptly abandoned Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks yesterday and instead backed the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, leading them to a 28-24 victory over the reigning champions. The fickle deity explained that his decision to allow the Patriots to win was just “a spur of the moment thing,” like a destructive earthquake or a deadly tsunami.
“I just felt like letting the Patriots win,” said God. “Besides, all that groveling that went on after the NFC Championship game made me sick. I despise groveling. Wilson needs to get some sort of life and quit referring to me all the time. He has about as much knowledge of my will as he does algebra.”
God explained that he let Jermaine Kearse make a miracle catch that made the Seahawks think they had the game in the bag, only to summon Lucifer to make the final play call when the ball was only a few feet from the goal line.
“Sometimes I really enjoy toying with you know-it-all talking monkeys,” chuckled God.
The Seahawks botched their chance to become Super Bowl winners for the second year in a row when a throw was intercepted 36 inches from the end zone, but the team’s quarterback will not be brought down. Russell Wilson responded on Twitter to the many critics that have trashed the Seattle Seahawks’ last-minute decision not to rush the ball in the game-ending play as the “worst call in Super Bowl history.”
“At 26 years old, I won’t allow 1 play or 1 moment define my career,” Wilson tweeted Monday morning. “I will keep evolving.”
God responded to Wilson’s tweet by saying, “That’s a damn weird response from someone who does not believe in evolution.”
Head Coach Pete Carroll gave a bizarre and downright stupid explanation for the play: “It’s not the right match-up for us to run the football, so on second down, we throw the ball, really to kind of waste that play. If we score, we do. If we don’t, then we’ll run it on third and fourth down. Really, with no second thoughts or hesitation in that at all.”
Carroll continued to speak in tongues for the rest of the interview, offering no rational explanation for his actions or those of his theologian-quarterback.
None of the Seahawks personnel seemed to be aware that God had intervened to crush their hopes and send them packing back to Seattle with their tails between their legs.
When asked by reporters after the game whether he still believed that “God is too good all the time,” as he said after the miracle win over the Packers, Wilson replied, “God is really great when we win, but when we lose he is a real bastard.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Citing as a reason the alarmingly high number of drone attacks over the fall and early winter, Anthraxia government officials announced today that the beleaguered municipality will be purchasing an air defense system from the nation of Israel.
“We felt that if we were to continue to guarantee the safety of our citizens the purchase had to be made,” said Minister of Defense Asher Wills. “Our current defense capability consists of myself, an aging terrier named Banjo, and a few rednecks walking around aimlessly with shotguns. We just cannot keep up with the high number of incoming hawks and other birds of prey we have been seeing lately.”
The drone attacks in and around the Cabin Anthrax have taken the lives of at least 11 innocent chickens who were going about their daily lives scratching the earth looking for insects and bits of wheat flavored Captain’s Wafers.
Prime Minister of Anthraxia Jerry Dickerson told reporters that the system should be in place sometime next month.
The Iron Dome air defense system currently in use in Israel has proven reliable and efficient. It is a three-piece system of interceptor batteries that shoot rockets out of the sky. A radar tracks the rocket as it is fired across the border into Israel, and then advanced software predicts the rocket’s trajectory. The information it provides is used to guide Tamir interceptor missiles, which are fired from the ground to blow the rocket into harmless pieces in the sky.
“Unfortunately we could not afford the costly “Iron Dome” system currently used by the IDF, but they have offered us a less costly variant dubbed ‘Cast Iron Dome,’” said Dickerson.
The less costly system consists of a series of Roman candles positioned around the edge of the Anthraxia compound and over 100 bottle rockets set to launch into the air and detonate at different altitudes all around the cabin complex. The projectiles are activated manually by a highly trained hillbilly observer who sits atop the roof of each cabin scanning the sky for intruders.
Since most of the citizens of Anthraxia are unemployed and have nothing better to do, it is assumed there will be not shortage of volunteers for this critical mission. Israel military advisers are due in Anthraxia next week to begin training the inarticulate and nearly illiterate defense team.
“We hope that the purchase of this system will protect our poultry from further attacks,” said Dickerson. “I can tell you from experience, there’s nothing more depressing than waking up and not having enough eggs to make an omelet. It’s a truly tragic situation.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – This month’s edition of Scientific American is somewhat of a departure for a magazine that normally steers well clear of politics. It boasts several well-researched articles examining the right wing in general and the Tea Party in particular.
“We wanted to highlight how a group could overcome the serious handicaps of its individual members to become a viable political force in our society,” said SA editor Michael Moyer. “The rise of the Tea Party, the Christian Right, and their propaganda arm, Fox News, illustrates how a species crippled by superstition, racial hatred, and lower than average IQ’s can rise to a position of prominence in the modern nation state.”
The issue, which is on news stands now, traces the growth of the Tea Party from a ragtag army of inarticulate individuals all the way to this year’s midterm elections, when an alarming number of the insecure cretins won national political office.
“We tried to get inside the minds of these people, as frightening as that prospect was,” said Moyer. “We really wanted to find out what made these people tick. We placed particular emphasis on finding the common threads that unified this group of backwoods bumpkins.”
“What we found was fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of minorities, fear of science, fear of gay people, fear of just about any fucking thing you could imagine. The overwhelming consensus was that this group of people yearns to return to the days before the Enlightenment, where their outdated ideas and archaic societal standards ruled with an iron fist.”
The SA team spent a great deal of time analyzing the movement’s leaders Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a host of other kooks such as Steve King and Louie Gomhert.
“One only has to look at the leadership of this movement to see how incoherent and insane their beliefs really are,” said Moyer. “If you go back and examine some of the speeches and statements made by Bachmann and Palin over the last decade, it reads like something out of H.P. Lovecraft. Nothing makes sense. For example, last weekend in Iowa, Palin was apparently possessed by one of her demons and began writhing around the podium and speaking in tongues. It was truly scary.”
Although the writers and editors at SA came to no definitive conclusions about the future of the right wing and the Tea Party, Moyer said that they will most likely be swept away by the tide of history.
“To paraphrase Huxley, extinguished theologians, and in this case reactionary political factions, lie about the cradle of progress as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules,” said Moyer.
Although many midterm Congressional races were won by Tea Party supported buffoons, the facts seem to support Moyer’s argument.
Gay marriage, Obamacare, and decriminalization of marijuana, three policies that the far right is rabidly against, are more popular than ever and gaining national acceptance.
“It gives us hope for a bright future in which the voices of these kooks are drowned out by the voices of reason and science,” concluded Moyers. “I am a fervent supporter of free speech and support these people’s right to be as ignorant as they want to be, but I fully believe that they will be remembered by history as the wingnuts they truly are.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A statement released this morning from the Criminally Negligent Parents Association announced that the annual Anti-Vaccination Convention and Voodoo Science Expo will be moved to Petersburg, Kentucky this year. The group was forced to find a new site for the event when it became apparent that the original choice, Disneyland, had become too dangerous to visit.
The anti-vaxxers will join the Dumb Ass Conspiracy Theorist’s League, the Climate Change Denier’s Guild, and the Open Carry Accidental Gunshot Wound Alliance at the Creation Museum in mid September in one big celebration of ignorance. The American Family Association has also changed the dates of its annual “Jesus Hates Fags” Homosexual Hatefest and Chili Cookoff to coincide with the event.
“We thought that combining our convention with those of like-minded organizations just made economic sense, and as far as we have been able to determine, the measles outbreak currently ravaging the west coast has not yet spread to the backwoods of Kentucky, so it should be safe,” said Jenny McCarthy, spokesperson for the organization of twits.
“The Creation Museum was the perfect choice,” said Glenn Beck, keynote speaker for the event. “Ken Ham has built a veritable altar to ignorance there in Petersburg. He, like me, has managed to build a profitable career on the utter ignorance of the American public.”
Turd McPherson, president of the Climate Change Denier’s Club, agreed. “Ken has done a great job building a child-friendly environment that erases 300 years of scientific progress. He’s gone to great lengths to replace it with superstitious nonsense out of a book written before we knew our ass from a hole in the ground.”
“We all know that the Bible says we can’t change the climate, just like we all know that Noah put giant dinosaurs on a lifeboat along with every other species of animal on the planet. It’s just common sense. Science is the real enemy in the modern world, and we have to fight it tooth and nail,” said McPherson.
The convention, which was originally scheduled for June, had to be delayed because federal authorities insisted on the erection of a giant electric fence encircling the museum and the entire city of Petersburg.
“We can’t take the risk that any pathogens might escape,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. “We’re coordinating with Homeland Security and FEMA in order to reduce the chance that we might have some sort of plague outbreak that could harm the citizens of our country who actually have functioning forebrains.”
“This combined convention will be the largest concentration of dolts, cretins, morons, and dunderheads in one location that the nation has seen since the 2010 National Tea Party Convention in Dimbulb, Texas,” said FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate. “We have to be prepared for the worst.”
ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”
The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”
Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.
The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”
After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.
“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.
Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.
Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.
According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.
The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.
Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.
“Daddy, why are dogs so much better than human beings?”
“Because son, dogs aren’t raised to look down on other dogs or people because they are of a different race, religion, social status, or because they are poor. Besides, dogs are able to lick their own genitals, which reduces stress and makes life much less complex.”
“Thanks Dad. That makes perfect sense.”
“Anytime, son.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources within the Bush Campaign have informed several media outlets that the former governor of Florida and presidential candidate will be touring the United States in what pundits have dubbed “The Short Bus Express.” Although official tour dates have not yet been set, an aide to the former governor told reporters at the Tallahassee Cretin Gazette that a bus had already been purchased and was in the process of being repainted and prepared for travel.
“The Governor feels that he needs to connect face to face with the citizens of this great country so he can deliver his message to Americans in a personal way,” said an aide in an interview with the Gazette. “We plan on traveling from state to state like a troop of reactionary right-wing gypsies spreading the ‘good news’ of the Republican vision for America.”
All of the archaic and antiquated policies of the standard Republican platform will be stressed, according to the aide.
“Tax breaks for the 1%, white male domination in all areas of society, denial of a woman’s right to choose under any circumstances, ignoring climate change and dangerous environmental pollutants, special compensation for giant corporations, making gay marriage illegal once and for all, suppression of minority civil rights, and destruction of our national parks through mining and oil exploration are just a few of the policies that Mr. Bush will be touting,” said the aide.
“Mr. Bush is solidly behind the Republican agenda of returning America to a pre-Enlightenment society. We firmly believe that if we can just return to a medieval culture and economic system where aristocrats and the church have total control over everyone’s lives, we’ll be much better off.”
Although the bus that the campaign has purchased is rather small, there will room for three Fox News pundits and Mr. Bush’s NRA minder to travel along with the candidate.
One of the most important functions of the Fox News personnel will be to convince poor and weak minded white Americans to vote against their economic interests by playing on racial prejudice and religious beliefs leftover from the Middle Ages.
The NRA operative will be at Jeb’s side 24/7 to insure firearms manufacturers are represented and to make sure Mr. Bush supports the right of every American to be killed by an accidental gunshot wound.
Although this will be the first time Mr. Bush has sought national office, it is by no means the first time he has used a short bus for transportation, and he looks forward to the trip with great glee.
“I just can’t wait to get out there and take the pulse of the American people so I can go to Washington and completely ignore it,” said an excited Mr. Bush. “I really want to do for the whole country what I did for the great state of Florida!”
God help us all.
It’s 150 years in the future and this is your Undersea Medispace Hyperclinic
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate and well-known kook Dr. Ben Carson was declared legally insane this morning by a judge in Michigan, Carson’s home state. The judge relied on evidence given by physicians from Johns Hopkins Hospital and testimony from individuals close to the Carson campaign.
Carson’s speech to the RNC’s winter meeting outside San Diego last Thursday seems to have been the tipping point that forced aides, Republican operatives, and loved ones to take action.
In the speech, Carson compared ISIS militants to American patriots who took up arms against the British during the Revolutionary War.
“A bunch of rag-tag militiamen defeated the most powerful and professional military force on the planet,” said the unhinged neurosurgeon. “Why? Because they believed in what they were doing. They were willing to die for what they believed in. Fast forward to today. What do we have? You’ve got ISIS. They’ve got the wrong philosophy, but they’re willing to die for it while we are busily giving away every belief and every value for the sake of political correctness. We have to change that.”
Later in the speech, Carson compared Nazi SS troops to the Salvation Army and the Shining Path guerrillas to civil rights protestors in the 1960’s. Carson went on to compare Adolph Hitler to Abraham Lincoln and Pol Pot to John F. Kennedy. “You really have to admire these people for their willingness to do whatever it takes to achieve the objective,” said a sweating, trembling Dr. Carson.
“This is just one in a long series of weird, disjointed ideas emerging from Dr. Carson’s damaged brain,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “We’re really not sure if his mental condition is due to environmental pollutants or a series of mild strokes. We think that the damage has been done over the last decade or so, because it would be almost impossible for someone this wacked-out to make it through medical school.”
Dr. Carson continues to insist ad nauseam that he is “completely rational and perfectly sane.” He has appeared to protest his abuse by the “liberal media” on several Fox News programs such as the O’Reilly Factor, a right-wing apologist show that is a favorite in whites-only nursing homes across the United States.
“Well of course the dude is going claim he’s sane and everything is a liberal conspiracy,” said Dr. Black. “When was the last time you heard a psychopath tell you he was nuts and danger to society? I mean, this guy thinks the earth is 6000 years old, Noah put dinosaurs on the Ark, and America is the modern incarnation of Nazi Germany. He’s a fucking freak!”
Dr. Carson will be placed in McClean Mental Hospital in Boston for a minimum of one month while he undergoes further testing and observation. The staff there has already arranged for a series of town hall-style debates between him and Secretary of State John Kerry, who was admitted only last week. The debates will no doubt be wildly entertaining, considering the fact that one guy is a goofball and the other a raving lunatic. The debates will be moderated by Vice President Joe Biden, who is the only person on the planet fully qualified to understand the two men.
An aide to Dr. Carson told the Washington Post that the decision to place the Tea Party favorite in a mental hospital would in no way affect his candidacy for the presidency. “Since when has being legally insane been a problem for GOP candidates? We have just as good a chance at the nomination as any of those other wing nuts.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest announced that John Kerry will be taking time off his duties as secretary of state so that he can be given a thorough psychological examination at McClean Hospital in Boston. After the examination Mr. Kerry will be closely observed by a team of mental health professionals for an undetermined period in order to ascertain just how unhinged the former senator from Massachusetts has become.
The action by the White House comes on the heels of Mr. Kerry’s visit to Paris where he attempted to make up for the lack of representation from the United States at the “free speech solidarity march” attended by millions in the streets of Paris last Sunday. Mr. Kerry was accompanied by singer/songwriter James Taylor, who sang “You’ve Got a Friend” to puzzled and confused French government officials and prominent citizens.
In a muddled and seemingly unending statement made before the trip, Mr. Kerry had told reporters in the United States that he wanted to give the French people a “big hug.”
The trip and mini-concert by Taylor has been criticized and mocked by almost every media outlet in the free world, and has given new fodder for the right-wing and the kooks over at Fox News to use against President Obama in their ongoing campaign to turn him into some sort of Antichrist.
“The President would just like to make it clear that this whole James Taylor thing was Secretary Kerry’s doing,” said Earnest. “We had nothing to do with it. We have no clue what, if anything, was going on inside Mr. Kerry’s small mind when he decided to drag that dude out of whatever basement he was mouldering in. I never thought the guy was that good when he was in his prime, much less now.”
“As soon as Mr. Kerry is deemed to longer be a threat to himself or those around him he will be allowed to return to his duties,” continued Earnest. “We don’t want to have to go through the process of selecting a new secretary of state this late in the term. The folks over at McClean will give him top notch care and as many meds as he needs. Besides, no one is going to miss him for a few weeks anyway.”
ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly outside the Roma Convention Centre and Exhibition Hall to talk to reporters today regarding the irritating rash of “Religious Freedom Restoration” acts sweeping the country in recent weeks. It seems the Messiah is more than a little irritated with right-wing lawmakers in state houses across America.
“I’d just like to say that these so-called ‘religious freedom acts’ are no more than thinly veiled attempts by pseudo Christians to codify their bigotry and hatred into law,” said the Son of God. “If these people can’t serve homosexuals or gay couples in their various businesses because it offends their so-called ‘faith’, then that faith is not worth a hoot in Hell.”
“These talking monkey politicians should be a little bit more interested in helping their fellow humans in any way they can rather than telling others who the hell they can sleep with and marry,” said the Prince of Peace. “If you cretins think that Dad and I sit up there and scrutinize every action you people take down here and worry about your damn sexual preferences, well then you’ve got another thing coming. We’ve got slightly better things to do. After all, we manage the entire universe for Heaven’s sake. Who the hell do you think we are, the NSA?”
“Let me make this clear for about the millionth time in 2000 years: I don’t like bigots, racists, homophobes, or assholes in general. I already have to take a fist full of antacids every day to get over the nausea caused by the actions you cretins take in my name. Please start behaving yourselves or prepare to suffer the consequences. I made a brief visit to Hell myself a while back, and believe me, Lucifer has plenty of room for all you miscreants!”
“Now you’ll have to excuse me because I’ve got to mosey on over to the Vatican so I can jerk a knot in Francis’ tail regarding the limits of free speech. You people just wear my ass out sometimes.”
The Lord of Light and Lamb of God was in town promoting the new Birkenstock line of “Wandering Zealot” sandals at the 2015 Saints and Prophets New Product Expo held annually at the Roma Convention Centre. He is expected to leave on Sunday after Mass, and as usual no one knows when he will be coming back.
TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.
SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.
Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.
Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.
“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.
Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.
“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”
In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”
An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.
Excerpted from “Post Metrosexual Lifestyles For Males In The 21st Century,” Curmudgeon Magazine, May 2014
If you are male over fifty years of age who has taken a beat down by bent cops, ex wives, or just society in general, and you’re ready to make a change, moving to a remote, isolated cabin in the woods could be just the thing to recharge your batteries and get you ready for the 4th Quarter of life. Living alone in a wooded mountainous setting offers all kinds of advantages for men who enjoy their own company and are disgusted by what they see going on around the planet. We at Curmudgeon would like to offer you some tips for this creepy and bizarre lifestyle so that you won’t make some of the same mistakes made by other reclusive freaks, such as Howard Hughes, J. D. Salinger, or Ted Kaczynski, better known as the “Unabomber.”
CHOOSE YOUR CABIN CAREFULLY
MAKE SURE YOUR CABIN HAS AT LEAST ONE FUNCTIONAL SATELLITE DISH
BUILD A LIBRARY OF UPLIFTING BOOKS
BUY SEVERAL DOZEN AREA RUGS AND STORE THEM IN A CLOSET
STOCKPILE ENOUGH WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION TO OUTFIT A BRIGADE OF ISIS TERRORISTS
HANG BIZARRE AND OFFENSIVE WORKS OF ART ON YOUR WALLS TO INTIMIDATE UNWANTED GUESTS
CLEAN DISHES AND UTENSILS AT LEAST ONCE PER QUARTER
BUY A PET MONKEY
SUPPORT FRACKING IN YOUR AREA
PLACE A BUST OF HITLER IN YOUR ENTRYWAY
THREATEN ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL THAT HAPPEN TO VISIT YOUR CABIN
CHAIN VICIOUS DOGS TO TREES AT STRATEGIC POINTS IN THE WOODS AROUND YOUR CABIN
BE SURE TO TAKE UP A HOBBY
BE CAUTIOUS WHEN PURCHASING SUPPLIES IN TOWN
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, TUNE TO FOX NEWS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET
We at the Times-Picayune hope that this excerpt from Curmudgeon has been useful to you as you set out to start a new life in the untamed wilderness. Always remember that living alone and cut off from all human contact can be a rewarding experience that will help you achieve the oddball lifestyle you have always dreamed of. We wish you the best of luck and hope that you are in good physical condition as you can forget about ever dialing 911 again for the rest of your miserable life.
BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.
For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.
“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.
For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.
“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”
Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”
“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.
Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”
TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA (CT&P) – After acting in a docile and somewhat incompetent manner in the first two quarters, Alabama’s herd of giant pachyderms went berserk in the second half, running over, through, and around a hapless Auburn defense like they were not there. Auburn defensive players were left crushed and mangled on the field like shoppers on Black Friday trying to get into Walmart.
The dominant bull in the herd, Blake Sims, led the tuskers on five straight touchdown drives to cinch the glorious Bama victory. Wide receiver Amari “The Stud” Cooper caught two of his three touchdown passes in the third quarter in route to a 13 reception, 224 yard performance.
Auburn coaches and players seemed overwhelmed and unable to stem the Tide of murderous enraged pachyderms.
“It was just plain horrifying,” said Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn. “We were hauling injured and dead felines off the field after every play. The monstrous beasts showed no mercy whatsoever. It was like standing in front of dam as it burst. There was just no stopping them.”
Many of the unfortunate defensive linemen were treated at DCH Regional Medical Center but most of the Auburn secondary remains unaccounted for.
“We found some shreds of orange and blue fabric that could be fragments of uniform, along with some helmets and protoplasm that may be bits of human flesh,” said Malzahn. “At this point we’re just not sure.”
When asked what the team will do to try to rebuild their confidence before a consolation bowl game, Malzahn told reporters that “Well, I guess we will sit down and watch a loop of the end of last year’s Iron Bowl. You know we have only seen it 3578 times so far. I guess a few more times could never hurt.”
In keeping with the Auburn tradition of naming their games so they can actually remember them amid the clutter in their skulls, fans phoned in suggestions to Paul Finebaum who was commenting on the game for the SEC Network. As of this writing it is a tossup between “Pachyderm Colonoscopy” and “Trampled at Bryant-Denny.”
The final score in the game was 55-44, setting up an appearance by the thundering herd of belligerent Bama behemoths in the SEC Championship Game against yet another litter of kittens from Columbia, Missouri.
The gravity of Mark Scott’s announcement yesterday, and his on-air appearances, did not completely disguise the underlying sense that he is not entirely unhappy to be reconfiguring the direction of the national broadcaster.
To lose 10% of his staff and more than $50m a year for five years, plus the one off whack of $120m from the May budget, presents opportunities for Scott, aside from the despair.
The managing director has seized them. It’s digital all the way, largely at the expense of traditional regional services across the wide, brown land.
That is an uppercut right to the chin for regional viewers and listeners, who might reasonably be expected to be Coalition supporters. Mainstream media businesses will also feel the blow, as they scramble to move their content and customers from print to digital.
Arguably, one of the biggest pains in the ABC’s neck is the infantile carping from News Corp. The Murdochs have been belting out the same chorus against public broadcasters for years. Who can forget James Murdoch’s 2009 MacTaggart lecture in Edinburgh, where he denounced the BBC’s “land grab”?
Of course, for the ABC to announce a massive expansion of its digital business, all of it free to consumers, is one in the eye for a national commercial operator trying to build an online news business behind a paywall.
Rural and regional Australia has seen all this before. The Howard government’s cuts in 1996-1997 saw rural and regional Australia experience its fair share of the broadcaster’s pain. Before that Peter Nixon was taking an axe to the place in the Fraser years.
However, under later and separate funding deals ABC management, at the time led by a conservative favourite, Jonathan Shier, managed to secure an extra $20m from Howard to go back into the very areas that had been winnowed in the budget.
Standby for more repurposed funding as the 2016 election draws closer.
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For a government filled with serious ABC haters, egged on by a chorus line of claqueurs, maybe it is right to think this is not the end of the story. In the medium strategy the ABC and SBS could be starved, and then merged. Once the combined entity is further diminished by fresh “savings” it would be put on the block for sale.
In the blustering politics of today, nothing can be entirely discounted. No doubt we’ll be hearing lots of alternative funding ideas in an effort to wean the public broadcaster off the public teat: fees for online services, advertising, licence fees, and sponsorship.
It’s also a nightly viewer’s ritual to think of ways the ABC can be improved: better drama (at least better-written Australian drama), more docos, fewer repeats, more scoops and investigations, fewer panel shows, less predictability, more arts, a higher degree of expectation.
Apart from the rural and regional “savings”, Scott has also clipped the main current affairs programs: Four Corners, Australian Story, Lateline and Landline – with the the Friday 7.30s entirely removed.
This will not disappoint Abbott’s ministers, who in their introspective moments know that less confronting political reporting and discussion would be most helpful.
To that extent Scott’s decision to deprive news and current affairs of resources is a decision in lockstep with the thinking of the government. The managing director’s contract expires in July 2016. He was reappointed for another five year term in October 2010 by the board, led at the time by arch-conservative and Abbott government ally, Maurice Newman.
Newman was effusive about Scott: “The board and I are keen to see him continue in the role. Mark has made a significant contribution to the corporation’s success…”
Scott had come from Fairfax, where he had been the editorial director. Before that he was in the bosom of the Greiner government, working for Virginia Chadwick and Terry Metherell, a former member of the Liberal Party who accepted a job offer that resulted in the end of Greiner’s premiership.
His investment in the broadcaster’s digital services is driving News Corp bonkers, which is delightful to observe. The spluttering indignation in the Australia’s editorial was the main amusement of the morning.
“Mark Scott’s strategic statement on the future of the ABC yesterday was a political stunt by a failing technocrat who is out of his depth as editor-in-chief of the national broadcaster,” the paper opined.
His sin is the expansion of the ABC’s digital services, something News Corp and Fairfax regard as their own private turf. There’s nothing worse than publicly-funded competition.
WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Outraged by President Obama’s executive orders on immigration, Republican lawmakers, with the full support of their right-wing Christian base, have proposed a different plan to deal with the almost five million undocumented immigrants currently residing in the United States.
The plan calls for a significant percentage of the “illegals” to be executed immediately as a terrifying example to all those wishing to enter this country in search of a better life. The remainder of the “shiftless job-stealing cretins” would be rounded up and forced back across the border at gunpoint.
Possibly the most ambitious part of the proposal calls for a 20 foot high wall adorned with pikes to be built along our southern border. The severed heads of those trying to cross the border illegally would be placed on the decorative pikes as a reminder to those who would try to enter in the future.
Nan Hypocritus, president and managing director of Christians Against Compassion and Empathy, an anti-immigrant group, told Reuters that her group was incredulous that President Obama would take such drastic unilateral action so close to the holidays.
“Thanksgiving is just next week, and Christmas is just around the corner!” said Hypocritus. “How dare he throw a wrench into the sacred holiday season by showing love and compassion to a group of brown people? We Christians have better things to do than worry about protecting immigrants from being torn away from their families and deported to God knows where! We have shopping to do and we are just getting geared up to act like a persecuted minority over the whole ‘War On Christmas’ fantasy! This is just outrageous!”
Although similar executive actions regarding immigration were taken by Republican presidents in the past, G.O.P. leaders are beside themselves over Obama’s orders and vow to make the new proposal law in the near future.
Speaker of the House John Boehner has lumped the new “Final Solution” Immigration Reform Bill in with an omnibus spending package that also features the repeal of Obamacare, mandatory fracking in national parks, the elimination of the EPA and the Department of Education, and the death penalty for Hillary Clinton for her role in the Benghazi conspiracy.
British comedian Eddie Izzard is in the midst of what he refers to as “the most extensive comedy tour in the history of the world”.
In January 2015, the Force Majeure tour will encompass Australia as he continues to entertain audiences from more than 25 countries.
Having elicited laughs from all around the world, he wants you to know that your country does not have its own sense of humour after all.
“The latest from the front of humanity – humour is human, the references are national,” he told 702 ABC Sydney.
“There is no Australian sense of humour at all, no British sense of humour at all – it doesn’t exist.
I’m going to do this one life and live it as strong and as positive as I can. I want to do good for me and for everyone else to do good.
Eddie Izzard
“There is mainly a broad sense of humour in every country and an alternative sense of humour in every country, and the comedians – they link up with those audiences.”
His worldwide tour has also seen the comic deliver his work in more languages than one.
“I’ve done Berlin and Hamburg in German and France in French,” he said.
“I’ve done three shows in three hours in three languages – in German, then English, then French.”
Having travelled the world, the comedian still questions whether or not humanity has evolved for the better.
“If we were 10,000 people 200,000 years ago and we are now seven billion, we’ve got to be the same people,” he said.
“We spend hours trying to learn how to murder each other over the thousands of years and, in fact, we’re the same people and different skin colours due to the melanin and how exposed we are to the sun.
“Just calm down everyone and don’t listen to the extremists!”
Almost 30 years ago, Izzard made a personal declaration when he came out as a transvestite at the age of 23.
He credits it as a moment of confidence that inspired every chapter and decision that followed.
“That gave me confidence to say ‘I think it’s right to do this’,” he said.
“After that I’ve just tried to take my confidence and invest it, do something else hard, and build that up.”
Deciding there are “no gods”, here is his theory on making the most of life: “I’m going to do this one life and live it as strong and as positive as I can.”
It could be a mother or father death or it could be a mother or father not loving enough in a dysfunctional family – either of these things can make people overcompensate to get that back.
Eddie Izzard
“I want to do good for me and for everyone else to do good,” he said.
The 2009 documentary Believe explored more of the comedian’s back story, including the tragic passing of his mother and the influence it had on his career.
“If you ever read a biography, it’s all interesting up to the point people make it – after that it goes,” he said.
“That’s not interesting but the struggle is interesting.
“For anyone who is trying to get somewhere and is battling away and not having any luck, you can see that and see a way of getting forward.”
Now a major name in comedy world over, he considers his ability as an unusual consequence of not being “terribly good, naturally, at anything”.
“The genetic gift I was given was the ability not to be good at anything, but I seem to have the ability – if I choose to want to do something – I’ll work on it and get it to a pretty good standard,” he said.
Izzard said tenacity, being objective about one’s self and knowing personal points of weakness were all crucial to improving.
“We all start not being terribly good at things – few people are a natural,” he said.
In a unexpected way, Izzard said the death of his mother led him to a career in comedy.
“The analysis on my mum is that she was very affectionate,” he said.
“When she went, I looked for other affection but I found one when I saw this guy doing a play at the school I was in.
“He was getting a great reaction from the audience so I thought ‘all of that, I’ll do’.
“It could be a mother or father death or it could be a mother or father not loving enough in a dysfunctional family – either of these things can make people overcompensate to get that back.”
Calling Monty Python his “parents of comedy”, he also paid tribute to Richard Pryor, Steve Martin, Billy Connolly and Robin Williams.
“I love the reaction [of Monty Python] against the establishment, the tearing into old British hypocritical establishment,” he said.
“I didn’t discover Robin [Williams] until I was doing stand-up workshop, after I’d done three years of sketch comedy at Edinburgh Festival.
“He basically kicked open doors that maybe would have opened later but he made it so much easier for me in San Francisco, Los Angeles.
“I didn’t know he was suffering from depression, I didn’t know he had suffered from depression, so I just never thought that that would happen to him.”
Asked about the emotional lives of comedians, Izzard argued that the relationship between mental health and an individual was down to the “genetic cards”.
“I got transvestite, I didn’t get depression – you get given the cards,” he said.
“I don’t get that sad and I don’t get that elated.
“I suppose after mum dying, I never get surprised by anything.”
ATLANTA (CT&P) – Bubba “Catfish” McDim, the Georgia SWAT team member who tossed a stun grenade into a baby’s crib during a drug raid this spring, has been awarded the NAZI Stormtrooper of the Year Award according to Haberham County Sheriff Joey “Heinrich” Terrell. Although no drugs or weapons were found during the raid, McDim managed to melt the infant’s face and disfigure him for life, an achievement that brought praise from law enforcement agencies from across the country.
“We shore are proud of our Catfish,” said Sheriff Terrell. “All those hours of practice throwing fragmentation grenades at Messican farm workers and carloads of negra teenagers really paid off. Bubba sets a sterlin’ example of just what can be achieved when using deadly force against unarmed civilians.”
McDim will be honored at a gala banquet in Atlanta over the Christmas holidays. The yearly banquet honors militarized police thugs from all over the country who perpetrate abominations on the American public in the name of the “War On Drugs.”
Below is a synopsis of the Habersham SWAT team’s actions that the awards committee used to determine this year’s winner:
Of all the botched drug raids that have occurred in 2014, the most appalling took place in Cornelia, Georgia on May 28—when narcotics officers carried out a paramilitary no-knock SWAT raid at 3 AM at the home of Alecia Phonesavanh. The person they were looking for, Phonesavanh’s nephew Wanis Thonetheva, was suspected of making a $50 methamphetamine sale. Thonetheva, however, didn’t even live in Phonesavanh’s home and was nowhere to be found during the raid. But Phonesavanh’s 19-month-old toddler, Bounkham “Bou Bou” Phonesavanh, was home. After breaking down the door of the Phonesavanh home, one of the brave cops, Officer Bubba “Catfish” McDim, tossed a flash-bang grenade which landed in the baby’s crib, exploded and caused the toddler extensive injuries (including severe burns, disfigurement and a hole in his chest that exposed his ribs). No drugs were found in the home, and Wanis Thonetheva was subsequently arrested without incident.
Habersham County officials announced in August that the county would not be giving the Phonesavanh family any assistance with the baby’s huge medical expenses. Members of the SWAT team escaped any criminal charges for the botched raid on October 6 when a grand jury, under threat of lifelong police harassment, found no fault with police procedure on the raid.
“We are here to support our officers no matter what kind of abomination they may perpetrate,” said a trembling Billy Bob McSneed, the jury foreman.
Mildred Fatback of Clarkesville agreed.
“I just don’t see how anyone could ever criticize our brave police officers,” she said, as she looked around nervously, “why, only last week one saved my life by giving me a ticket for going 3 MPH over the speed limit. He also confiscated 53 bucks from me that I could have used to purchase drugs if I actually used them. I’m very grateful.”
Sheriff Terrell told WSB News that the grand jury “did good” and more heinous and deadly “no-knock” raids were planned in the near future.
“There just ain’t no telling what’s goin’ on out dere,” said Terrell. “We may need raid every home in the county just to make sure no one ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong. Who knows what we might find? I know some of the boys are needin’ some new appliances and stereos, so this no-knock thing might just be the ticket for ‘em.”
How can Barry Humphries support freedom of speech for Barry Spurr over his offensive emails when censorship is just fine for his Adelaide cabaret festival? That’s why I’ll be boycotting it
Dammit Barry! Both of you. If you’ve blocked #auspol on Twitter to save your sanity, you might have missed the uproar over Prof Barry Spurr’s heinously offensive email trails, and his subsequent suspension from Sydney university. Managing to offend Indigenous people, women, Asian Australians, African Americans, Muslims and anyone with a conscience is no mean feat, but Spurr sure gave it a go.
But he isn’t the only Barry making headlines this week. Barry Humphries, veteran of Australian comedy, has now seen fit to wade into the fray with an ill-conceived letter to the Australian referring to Spurr as the “poor professor”. He goes on to accuse those of us who prefer our educational leaders not to make rape jokes of “cultural fascism,” adding that “the new puritanism is alive, well and powerful”.
Perhaps I would have passed by this letter, dismissing it as a ranting tirade from an out-of-touch old clown, had I not been in the middle of writing an application to the Adelaide cabaret festival, that same great Australian event that has appointed Humphries as artistic director.
Aussie comedians and cabaret artists were already rankled when Humphries made a hullabaloo about banning the “F Word” in his cabaret festival programming. “I’m banning the popular expletive,” he said. “They’ll have to manage without it.”
Leaving for a moment the patronising manner in which Humphries addressed his artists, how can he support freedom of speech for Spurr, when blatant censorship is just fine for his international arts festival?
I’ve been performing comedy cabaret with my troupe Lady Sings it Better for a few years now. I was drawn to the scene’s history of vibrant political dissent, a spirit of rebellion that rumbled through the bars of Berlin and now flourishes in a thrilling neo-cabaret scene across the globe. Cabaret is no place for censorship, but it’s also no place for racism, sexism and the other charming tidbits littering Spurr’s inbox.
To see a man appointed to what is arguably the most powerful position in the Australian cabaret scene defend hate speech should be of concern to all Australian artists and audiences. The liberals of the Weimar tradition must be rolling in their graves.
Good comedy makes fun of power; it punches up, not down. Good comedy has the power to shift perceptions, to offer release in times of trouble and to shed light on unexpected ideas or viewpoints. But good comedy should not be cruel. There is nothing clever, playful or hilarious about making fun of minority groups or of yearning for a time when Australia had “no Abos, Chinky-poos, Mussies, graffiti, piercings, jeans, tattoos. BCP in all Anglican churches; Latin Mass in all Roman ones. Not a woman to be seen in a sanctuary anywhere. And no obese fatsoes. All the kiddies slim and bright eyed. Now utterly gone with the wind.” I quote Spurr here.
Well, Barry Humphries, this diversity-loving, godless fatso won’t be applying to the Adelaide cabaret festival this year, nor any year when Humphries is at its creative helm.
This is no small decision; audiences for cabaret in Australia can be small and, despite Sydney’s growing (and thrilling) independent musical theatre and cabaret scene, the opportunity to tour to the southern hemisphere’s biggest cabaret event can be huge milestone in an artist’s career. But I just can’t bring myself to send in an application.
Instead, we’ll be performing in the open-access Adelaide fringe. Open-access festivals mean increased costs for independent, emerging artists, and fierce competition in a program with hundreds of other acts. But the fringe won’t censor our work, and our success won’t be at the whim of a man who thinks racial slurs are A-OK in modern Australia.
If the powers that be down in good old Radelaide don’t respect Australian audiences enough to rein in their own nutty professor, I don’t see how any cabaret artist, Australian or international, could choose to perform. Humphries closes out his letter by urging us to “restore our reputation as a funny country before it’s too late”. I’d say the first step would be to show him the door.
Old Dog Thought
I believe Barry H read The Age under the misbelief that he was reading the News. He had a knee jerk reaction to what seemed an injustice at first glance but what has since turned out to be a closet racist’s true nature revealed and News Corps confected outrage ho ho ho to ” hacking” .
News Corp calling it an invasion of privacy is the pot calling the kettle black. They wish they had broken the story first. They did the same when it was revealed that Bill Shorten was accused of rape. They just wished they’d got to it first. Andrew Bolt sanctimoniously talked about his ‘ethics’ and that he would never steep so low. Had it been a group of paedophile priests, terrorists etc one assumes the News Corp opinionators would be in full support of protecting their privacy as well..My comment on the matter
– A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.
The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.
The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.
By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.
Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.
Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.
“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”
Australians have been told to remain calm, as the Abbott government lifts the terror alert level to high.
On the whole, we have remained alert and relatively calm, but there are some matters about which we remain alarmed.
On the whole, we have remained alert and relatively calm, but there are some matters about which we remain alarmed.
We are mostly pleased with our commander-in-chief Tony Abbott’s performance on global matters, but concerned about the 2014 budget, Treasurer Joe Hockey, Clive Palmer and his PUPs, Labor leader Bill Shorten, climate change and Speaker Brownyn Bishop’s enthusiastic ejection of MPs (mostly from the opposition) during question time.
This week, we take a calming breath and bring all this together with the aid of resident musicologist Denis Carnahan and apologies to ’70s super group 10cc.
The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.
Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.
Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.
“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”
The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.
Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Dr. Tom Frieden advised anyone who was thinking of contracting Ebola to do so “just about anywhere other than Dallas.”
Dr. Frieden addressed the press while on a lunch break at a Mexican restaurant on Buford Highway.
“I would like to strongly advise those who are considering exposing themselves to blood, feces, or any bodily fluid from an Ebola patient to do so in Atlanta or in another major city that has competent medical personnel,” said Frieden. “If I were thinking of contracting the disease I would definitely steer clear of Texas in general and Dallas in particular.”
When asked why he was issuing the warning, Dr. Frieden slammed a bean burrito down his gullet and replied, “Look, those idiots in Dallas were the ones who let that dude run around the city unchecked for days before he was hospitalized. They also don’t seem to be able to follow simple protocol or safety measures. They are currently 0-1 when it comes to fighting the virus, and we here in Atlanta are so far 2-0 on the season. Who would you rather have treating you?”
Dr. Frieden was also asked about Bill O’Reilly’s demand that he should resign in disgrace because of the current panic over Ebola’s appearance in the U.S.
“That pompous cretin represents the very people who cut our funding almost 50% and then he has the balls to turn around and criticize us for something that, given the anemic response to the outbreak, was inevitable. He is the very definition of a horse’s ass. Can you imagine what it would be like to work for that asshole? I feel sorry for the bastards who have to tolerate him on a daily basis. I’d rather be exposed to smallpox.”
Dr. Frieden went on to say that he “would resign just as soon as O’Reilly receives a degree in epidemiology”, which given the Fox News pundit’s low IQ, would be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.
But hey, who are we to go around banning people? God, it’s enough work to try and ban any discussion of climate change. After all, this is an economic forum and, as we all know, climate change has nothing to do with economics.
Besides, the G20’ll be a good opportunity for Tony to “shirtfront”Mr Putin.
We know because Mr Abbott told us this:
“I’m going to shirtfront Mr Putin..
“I am going to be saying to Mr Putin Australians were murdered.
“There’ll be a lot of tough conversations with Russia and I suspect the conversation I have with Mr Putin will be the toughest conversation of all.”
So what exactly is a “shirtfront”? Well, looking it on the internet could just lead to confusion because the definition given there is:
the breast of a shirt, in particular that of a stiffened evening shirt.
In the AFL, however, it refers to a solid bump to the opposition player which knocks him to the ground, so, if one presumes that one is not talking about the breast of an evening shirt, one presumes that our PM is planning to give Mr Putin a solid bump. Metaphorically speaking, one hopes, as actually physically bumping another leader could lead to all sorts of nasty things being said about Mr Abbott’s lack of political finesse, and his treatment of older people. After all, Mr Putin is in his sixties and while Joe Hockey would tell you that clearly Putin is fit enough to work for another thirty years, the photos of Abbott standing over an older opponent could be used for memes with captions to the effect that Costello lacked the ticker to do this to Howard.
So, a good solid metaphoric bump that knocks Mr Putin to the metaphoric ground, because Mr Abbott will give Mr Putin the toughest conversation of all – that’ll teach the Russian Embassy to remind everyone that Mr Putin does judo, while Mr Abbott rides bikes. And Mr Putin, being a Russian, won’t be used to us plain-speaking Aussies and will be quite shocked to be spoken to in such a rough way because nobody would have ever spoken roughly to Mr Putin during in his time in the KGB.
That is, unless he doesn’t happen to meet up with him, because according to the news report I just heard, there’s been no formal request from Australia for an actual meeting between the two, with Mr Abbott revising his position and now seems to be saying that if he happened to pass Mr Putin in the corridor, he’d go over to him and give him a jolly good talking to about how we didn’t like it when that plane went down and we think you had something to do with it, so you just better get out of the Ukraine right now or else, he’ll tell Peta Credlin and she’s really tough and she’ll come to Queensland and give him a Chinese Burn and she gives really good Chinese Burns that really hurt and all the backbenchers and ministers are afraid of her…
And if that doesn’t work, he’ll tell his mum.
But whatever, calling for Mr Putin to be banned… Well, that’s just juvenile!
Holy week in Spain
The current furore over the burqa is nothing new, says contributing editor-at-large Tess Lawrence.
PRIME MINISTER TONY ABBOTT might well find the full veil or burqa “confronting”.
‘Tis true beloved reader, that clothing can enshroud a lethal weapon. No question.
Federal Parliament needs to be protected from any Lambies in wolf’s clothing.
One could easily secrete a Kalashnikov or suicide vest under raiments. Or other deadly weapons. It happens all the time in this turbulent world.
In fact, whenever I see the Honourable Member for Warringah naked save for his red hot Speedos, proudly strutting his half-cocked phallus, somewhat tamed by the sea’s cooling kiss, Mae West seeps into my prolapsed Catholic mind and I wonder if Prime Minister Tony Abbott has a pistol or two in his pocket or if he is just pleased to see me/dia.
It’s good that he’s comfortable in his foreskin and is uninhibited about showing us whether he’s circumcised or not.
Would other world leaders follow suit? (Ras)Putin, yes. Of course.
But would you see Abdullah ibn Abdilazīz AKA King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia be doing the same thing on the sands of Half Moon Bay?
Mish mumkin! [Arabic for impossible, or not on your Nellie!]
Listen up.
When Lebanese born human rights lawyer, Amal Alamuddin wed George Clooney, she wore a version of the burqa.
Like the singer Cher, uber celebrity Kim Kardashian is of Armenian descent. She wore a version of the burqa for her wedding to Kanye West.
When English commoner Kate Middleton wed Prince William, she wore a version of the burqa.
English aristocrat Diana Spencer wore a version of the Burqa when she wed William’s father, Charles.
Like Amal, Kim, Kate and Diana, the nuns that taught me wore a version of the burqa. Many orders of nuns still wear the ‘habit’.
Nuns are, after all, Brides of Christ.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LKrV6sRFzro
Thousands of Australian women, who wear veils at their weddings, do the same.
Nurses and midwives used to wear a version of the burqa. In some countries they still do.
Women churchgoers used to be compelled to wear scarves and cover their arms. In some countries, they still cover up.
The veil, whether sheer or no, is a sibling of the burqa.
So is the wimple, the al-amira, the chador, the hijab, the khimar, the niqab and the shayla.
The gorget is a version of the burqa. Qui.
It was a head covering used by French and other women in medieval times. Historical and some would say hysterical irony given the burqa ban now in place in France.
In fact, certain ranks in the armed forces – including Australian military, still wear gorget patches on their collars — those red tabs.
Yep, Jacqui Lambie, they are siblings of the burqa. Quel horreur!
The veil in all its incarnations, has been demonised throughout history and, contrary to popular opinion, long been viewed with suspicion and deemed threatening.
Sometimes it is.
There is nothing in the Quran that compels a woman ‒ or young girl for that matter – to wear a veil of any sort.
Just as there is nothing in the Bible that compels females to wear a veil.
But the veil has also been viewed as sexually threatening. Religious and other histories, literature and the arts breathe heavily upon its mystique.
Consider the seductress Salome and her infamous Dance of the Seven Veils.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JjI8G6gA65w
Neither Herod nor John the Baptist stood a chance. Just like Senator Cory Bernardi.
Seven, it will not have escaped you, is the Devil’s number. And we women are so often ranked amongst his tribe.
Some regard the wearing of the veil as the ultimate sexual tease. Seductive body armour.
Far from presenting women as asexual and anonymous, in fact it arguably incites one to ponder what lays behind it. It is regarded by some as alluring, especially those that reveal the heart’s soul — the eyes.
A great beauty, perhaps ? A terrorist ? Or both ? A man ? Perhaps mounds of cellulite or hairy legs, as some of my giggling Muslim girlfriends attest.
Or perhaps a patriarchal household, where the females are under family and community compulsion to wear a veil of some sort, against their personal wishes.
At the point of the gun, some of our sisters are forced to wear the veil, by the likes of psychopathic genocidal fascists like the Daash (the Arabic word/acronym for Islamic State).
The sweet and usually eagerly awaited ‘now you may kiss the bride’ moment, where the new husband is given permission by the officiating celebrant to lift the Veil from his new wife ‘s face and kiss her, is also a symbol of her virginity and that she is now his for the taking.
No guffaws please.
Whilst our Federal Parliament and our prime minister remain in a tizz over whether to ‘ban or not to ban the Burqa’, I would like to suggest this:
That in an act of solidarity, those parliamentarians of all political dialects who are inclined to do so – men and women alike – should declare a special burqa to work day and wear the burqa to the House.
DISCLAIMER: Despite her awful appearance [Ed: not really] Tess Lawrence was once a fashion editor and constantly featured as number one on the World’s Worst Dressed Fashion Writer List and, despite wearing an abaya and head covering, was still arrested three times in Saudi Arabia by the same religious police. On the other hand, after he had scarpered, some wonderful Saudis came to her aide and, to this day, she remains in contact with them.
The Islamic Museum of Australia in Thornbury is a tasteful building with a subtle design that is both Australian and Islamic. Its rusted steel front is perforated with an Aboriginal dot painting. Walking through the freckled sunlight, I meet the receptionist, Wafa, whose smile is as big as the West Gate bridge.
Wafa is a member of the remarkable Fahour family. Her brother Ahmed is the head of Australia Post. Another brother, Ali, is the AFL’s national diversity manager. Another, Mustafa, had the dream of building the museum. Another sister, Samira, was a MasterChef finalist. She runs the cafe out the back.
I’m there to meet Bachar Houli, devout Muslim and Richmond AFL player. When Bachar was 16, he captained the Vic Metro team at the national championships. His roommate liked loud music and had the TV on all the time. In the end, Bachar told his teammate that he was a Muslim and had to pray – could the television go down a little? His teammate was so impressed he got Bachar to talk to the whole team about being a Muslim. That, says Bachar Houli, was “the turning point”.
The Islamic Museum in Thornbury
His best mate at Richmond is its Croatian Australian ruckman, Ivan Maric. Bachar has been deeply moved by the respect big Ivan has shown him. Bachar says all his teammates have been great. I ask him if he likes playing footy. His whole body clenches as he says, “Love it”.
There were two Muslim AFL players before Bachar. Sedat Sir played 24 games with the Bulldogs in the ’90s, Adam Yze retired in 2008 after 271 games with Melbourne. But Bachar was the first to stand up and say being a Muslim wasbasic to his identity. He also says being Australian is basic to his identity.
There is nothing wasteful in Bachar’s manner. He’s straight and he respects straightness in others. Other AFL players are currently holidaying in places such as Las Vegas. Bachar’s running the Bachar Houli Academy, which encourages young Muslim men to envisage a career in the AFL and become leaders in their communities. The first year he ran it, 2012, he had only 25 applicants. This year, he had more than 500.
On Wednesday, the final squad of 30, drawn from around Australia, were shown round the Islamic Museum of Australia, which, to my eye, shows what is graceful and elegant about Islam: its magnificent architecture, its history in mathematics and medicine.
Australia’s Islamic history is traced back to the Makassar traders, who were visiting Australia from Indonesia for several centuries before Europeans arrived, and the cameleers of central Australia who are commonly remembered as Afghans but were actually a lot more diverse than that. Among large, colourful photos in the museum of the great mosques of the world is a photograph of one of the first mosques in Australia, at Marree. It looks like an early shearing shed – mud brick walls, gum trunks for its supports, bark roof.
Bachar Houli tells the young men who attend his academy that being a devout Muslim makes him a better AFL player. So many of the qualities demanded by the religion, he says, are demanded by the game – particularly discipline. “You get the respect of your teammates by being honest and humble,” he says.
I meet 17-year-old Hisham Kerbatieh, who played this year with the Calder Cannons. He’s respectful and friendly, confident beneath his shyness, and he wants to play AFL. I’m barracking for Hicham, in part because the Australian game needs him. The Australian game, because it’s competing against international codes, needs everyone it can get.
But I’m also barracking for the Bachar Houli Academy because, right now, we desperately need people to walk the bridge in both directions between Muslim Australians and the rest.
Martin Flanagan is a senior writer at The Age.
Ban the effen gun not the bloody burqa idiot
Australian Defense league does. Andrew Bolt does
There’s a lot of ‘Chatter’ heard about beheadings,only by the press. One phone call then silence as it’s an ” operational matter Everything this government does is an ‘operational matter’ that’s terror. Today Rabbott is alluding that battle creep in Iraq is possible the man is INSANE
When you think this Rabbott is the surprise
your always dissapointed but it’s never good.
Forget Humanitarian Aid Rabbott’s Raid is on
Rabid Rabbott let the dog’s out
olddogthoughts 
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