INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.
“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.
The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.
“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”
The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.
When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”
“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”
Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”
TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott will be shedding his skin again in early April, according to an aide. The aide stated that as is usually the case during the procedure, Governor Scott would unavailable for about three days as he walks around the Governor’s Mansion naked while rubbing up against rough surfaces. The shedding comes as a surprise because it will be taking place a full three weeks ahead of schedule, as the serpent-politician usually exuviates only once every two months, and he last cast off his epidermis in late February.
“The governor’s decision to molt earlier than scheduled was due to a combination of factors,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous because the last person to disclose private information about Scott ended up on an altar in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
“For one thing, Governor Scott wanted nice colorful scales for Easter,” said the aide. “He has several events scheduled where he will be hunting Easter eggs with kids and wanted to look good for the cameras. Also, the governor will be taking advantage of the glut in Easter Bunny inventory at pet stores around Tallahassee by feeding on some of the more tasty looking lagomorphs. He always likes to have nice, fresh, flexible skin when devouring large rodents or hares.”
“Finally, the governor picked up some annoying parasites during the annual Xipe Totec equinox celebration, which took place on March 20th. It seems that while wearing the skin of an illegal farm worker he picked up some blood-sucking mites. The governor had earlier flayed the man alive and run around the grounds of the Governor’s Mansion dancing and chanting in order to celebrate and give thanks to the god of agriculture, vegetation, and the seasons. Since the governor is already anemic, he felt he needed to slough off his old skin and rid himself of the bugs rather than risk infection.”
The aide emphasized that although the molting was taking place earlier than scheduled, the governor’s old skin will be auctioned off for charity in the usual fashion. All proceeds will benefit the children of the migrant farm workers and state prisoners that the governor regularly sacrifices in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – (CT&P) – Sunni and Shia Muslim religious leaders signed a historic agreement yesterday that will allow them to keep killing each other “indefinitely.” The agreement, which was mediated by some British dude in white robes, is being heralded by the United Nations as the “first of its kind” in the hot and cold relations between the two groups.
“Although it’s not quite the outcome we had hoped for, it’s really nice to see the two sides coming together and discussing their differences,” said Kahamba Kutesa, President of the U.N. “We hope that this accord is the beginning of a glorious journey down the road to “peace in our time.”
Both groups seemed pleased with the results and look forward to continued bloodshed with the assurance that the other side will be just as brutal and inhumane as the other.
“I haven’t seen this kind of progress since the 7th century,” said Mohammed Abdulaziz Daud Skyhook, lead negotiator for the Sunnis. “This agreement will allow us to glorify God by butchering those with whom we have a theological disagreement without the nagging fear that they may suddenly want to cooperate and live together in peace. Praise Allah!”
Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Abd-El-Kader Birdadda, Shia representative at the talks, agreed. “This treaty will allow us to slaughter our brother Muslims till the ‘camels come home.’ We are truly excited and look forward to making many martyrs who will shortly be able to kick back in Paradise and participate in wild lizardlike sex with many virgins.”
Both sides expressed their desire to increase the rate of bloodletting to a “crescendo of doom” throughout the Middle East and surrounding areas.
“We hope to top the current record of 10 million people murdered in the name of God currently held by Protestants and Catholics during the Thirty Years War,” said Birdadda. “With the help of modern weaponry and the complete lack of empathy on both sides of this conflict, we think we can at least double the old record.”
Both sides stressed that the although the agreement was solely between Sunni and Shia, no restrictions were included that would prevent both sides from murdering Christians, Jews, atheists, or any other religious or non-religious groups in their spare time.
“After all, everyone has to have a hobby,” said Skyhook.
No further talks are scheduled until population levels drop below the level necessary to propagate the two murderous tribes of religious zealots.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’
When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”
After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”
“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”
“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”
Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.
King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.
Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Fox News enjoyed a slight increase in number of viewers during prime time last month from 2.5 to 2.63 million, according to the latest Nielson ratings. The increase was just enough to edge Fox viewers into fourth place in current cult standings, according the best available data.
The Fox News apologists edged out the anti-vaxxing crowd for the fourth spot.
Cult ratings are based purely on numbers of followers or believers as can be best determined by polling, membership lists, and other information that can be confirmed using generally acceptable methods.
Far and away the largest cult on the planet continues to be the Climate Change Denier’s Club, consisting of nearly 30% of the population of the United States and a few other idiots from around the world.
Next comes the Mormon Church, followed by the Young Earth Creationists, Fox News Artiodactyls, the Anti-Vaxxer’s Association, and the Insane Conspiracy Theorist’s League. Rounding out the top ten are Glenn Beck’s Confederacy of Dunces, the Ku Klux Klan, Scientologists, and the U.S. House of Representatives.
“We’re really excited about the growth of the cult,” said Sean Hannity, Fox News anchor and well-known asshat.
“We’re always looking for folks who will swallow our garbage hook, line, and sinker. More acolytes means more money for us and that’s always good. It also means we can continue to push our hateful right-wing agenda at the expense of real news. We see this as a win-win for the Republican Party and Fox News as well.”
During a recent interview Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton Lewis asked Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute just what the difference was between legitimate organizations and cults. Professor Hikita explained, “It’s sometimes difficult to differentiate because cult members can come from all areas of society and many of these nuts belong to more than one cult. Age, income, and level of education don’t seem to matter with these unhinged individuals.”
“The common denominator seems to be a combination of profound naiveté, an inability of the individual to engage in critical thought, and a desperate desire to have their own batshit ideas confirmed. I mean look at Scientology for example. You read their literature and say to yourself ‘who would believe that shit?’ and yet there are thousands of morons giving those cretins millions of dollars each year.”
“There are otherwise intelligent human beings walking around that deny evolution exists, who think that the moon landings were staged, who believe that George Bush orchestrated 9/11, and think that President Obama is the Antichrist trying to destroy Israel, it’s really depressing if you dwell on it too long.”
“The really alarming thing is that many of these people vote in our elections,” concluded Hikita. “God knows what the future holds for this country.”
Professor Hikita did hold out some hope for America, however. He believes that a series of educational reforms could go a long way in curtailing the growth of wingnut groups and batshit belief systems in the future.
“If we start putting more emphasis on science, keep religious belief systems in churches and out of schools, and concentrate on teaching history as it actually occurred, I think we have a chance. If not, then we are in for a load of shit.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) issued a statement from his office in D.C. this morning flatly denying that he had anything to do with a letter addressed to the White House which contained cyanide. The letter tested positive for the deadly chemical at an off-site mail screening facility on Tuesday, according to the Secret Service.
“We have nothing to do with this letter, which contained 2.4 ounces of hydrogen cyanide in a Five Hour Energy bottle along with a note that said ‘Drink up, Mr. President,’” said the statement. “We also have nothing to do with any pipe bombs, anthrax powder, or radioactive medical waste currently in route to the White House in various boxes measuring from 11 to 18 inches in length and 6 to 9 inches in width.”
Although Cotton and his office continue to vigorously deny accusations that he had something to do with the letter, the Secret Service is currently interviewing his family and staff both in Washington and Arkansas.
Agent Efrem Zimbalist III, who is coordinating the joint FBI-Secret Service investigation told reporters at a news conference today that they are making progress and arrests will be made in the near future.
“Senator Cotton has denied any knowledge of the letter, but crime scene technicians have confirmed that the same brand of purple crayon used in the Iran letter was used on the cyanide package,” said Zimbalist. “Handwriting experts are now comparing the writing on the outside of the package and the note it contained to the scrawls and doodles present on the letter addressed to Iranian leaders earlier this month, and we think we have a match.”
“The return address on the letter was simply ‘Arkansas’ and some of the same basic misspellings were present in both letters,” said Zimbalist. “There are also smudged fingerprints on the outside of the letter that contain a mixture of cow dung and milk chocolate that are a good match to the Senator’s.”
When asked how law enforcement was able to make such a quick determination of guilt, Zimbalist said that it wasn’t like they were dealing with someone who had a modicum of intelligence like Ted Kaczynski or Eric Rudolph.
“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here,” said Zimbalist, “Cotton is sociopathic, reactionary backwoods hick, not some master criminal. I think we’ll be able to wrap up the investigation rather quickly.”
Senator Cotton’s office said that he would unavailable to comment on the ongoing investigation as he just departed on a six month hunting trip deep in the Canadian wilderness.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.
The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.
For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.
Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.
Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.
Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.
In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”
“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”
Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”
During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.
As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Jesus flatly rejected a 60 million dollar budget request for a Gulfstream G650 by the “Pastor” Creflo Dollar over the weekend, according to Saint Matthew, patron saint of accountants, bankers, and security guards. “He was unequivocal on the subject,” said St. Matthew. “I believe his exact words were, ‘he’ll get that jet just as soon as the next cold front hits Hell.’”
Christ’s denial of the request came during the regular Sunday afternoon meeting of the Divine Finance Committee, which reviews all monetary requests made by Christians during the preceding week.
On Friday, Dollar’s website unveiled Project G650, an “airplane project” that he claims has something to do with “Understanding Grace” and “Empowering Change.”
On the website, Dollar made his case: “The ministry’s current airplane was built in 1984, purchased by the ministry in 1999 and has since logged four million miles. Recently on an overseas trip to a global conference, one of the engines failed. By the grace of God, the expert pilot, who’s flown with Creflo for almost 20 years, landed the plane safely without injury or harm to any passengers.”
Dollar claims the private jet allows him to “safely and swiftly share the Good News of the Gospel worldwide” in a way that commercial aircraft just do not allow.
“The mission of Project G650 is to acquire a Gulfstream G650 airplane so that Pastors Creflo and Taffi (his wife) and World Changers Church International can continue to blanket the globe with the Gospel of grace,” Dollar’s website said. “We are believing for 200,000 people to give contributions of 300 US dollars or more to turn this dream into a reality—and allow us to retire the aircraft that served us well for many years.”
Saint Matthew told CNN that like most other requests for funds from “prosperity preachers,” this one was absolutely ridiculous, constituted an affront to God, and made mock of just about everything that Our Lord and Savior said during his brief ministry on the planet Earth.
“The Lord told me in private that as far as he is concerned Dollar can use his feet or ride a donkey for transportation, and if he keeps stealing money from his flock next time both engines will fail on that flying abomination,” said Matthew.
“If bipedal locomotion was good enough for the Son of Man it ought to be good enough for a false prophet who enriches himself while neglecting the poor and oppressed people all around him,” continued the Saint. “The Savior would never use such language but I think the dude is an asshole. I know from talking to Lucifer that he has ‘a whole theme park full of red delights’ waiting for these money-grubbing bastards.”
When he was informed of the funding denial, “Pastor” Dollar quickly sent up a prayer for funds to purchase a much less expensive jet, a 2012 Learjet 60, which he claimed he could pick up for around 12 million.
Jesus is reported to have replied, “Nigga please!”
TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA – (CT&P) – Governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott has added to the list of terms and phrases that employees of the State of Florida are forbidden to use in official communications. Governor Scott is also backing a bill in the Florida legislature that would make use of certain terms by residents or visitors to the state punishable by up to two years in prison.
The dysfunctional state recently made national news again when it came to light that Scott had banned the use of “climate change” and “global warming” in any emails or in print. As if this was not ridiculous enough, Scott has moved to increase the list to almost 500 “objectionable” words and phrases.
The new list is so extensive it threatens to abolish the use of the English language within state organizations.
Some examples of the new forbidden words and phrases include “evolution,” “the big bang,” “union,” “Obamacare,” “Democrat,” “liberal,” “black,” “Hispanic,” “civil rights,” “atheist,” “homosexual,” “gay,” “cloudy,” “hurricane,” “sea weed,” “sink hole,” “meth lab,” “trailer park,” “man-eating shark,” and “human sacrifice,” just to name a few.
“Human sacrifice” was personally added by Governor Scott at the last-minute because he is extremely sensitive to the rumors circulating that he regularly removes the beating hearts of undocumented farm workers late at night in the basement of the Governor’s Mansion.
The new bill in the legislature, sponsored by Senator R. W. Scrotum (R-Panama City Beach), would expand the ban from state employees to include all residents and visitors to the insane asylum masquerading as a state.
“It’s high time we got a grip on all this sedition and traitorous talk going on down har,” said Scrotum. “We in the Republican Party know what’s best for Florida, and I’ll be goddammed if we’re gonna listen to any more of this unpatriotic garbage. If people can’t have the decency to just shut the fuck up and do what we say, well then they ain’t welcome here.”
Businesses who count on tourist dollars to operate successfully within the state have protested the ban as well as the new bill, but Governor Scott has remained unmoved, saying “We’ve got our priorities right in the GOP. The world was a much better place before the Enlightenment. Besides, I’ll be out of office before any negative effects from ban take place.”
Florida has long been the laughingstock of the country and is commonly known as “that penis-shaped dystopian hellscape down there,” and these new moves by Scott and the legislature will do nothing but reinforce that attitude.
There is hope however. In less than a hundred years the whole fucking place will be under three feet of water and the rest of America won’t have to worry about it anymore.
TEHRAN – (CT&P) – Iranian Foreign Minister Dr. Javad Zarif dropped by the Revolutionary Guards Memorial Martyr’s Post Office in downtown Tehran this morning to mail 47 letters to Republican senators, according to a source inside the Iranian Foreign Office.
The source, who wished to remain anonymous lest he be thrown into a pit full of starving dingos, told the Tehran Somewhat-Free Press that Dr. Zarif was pleased that the senators were taking an interest in foreign affairs looked forward to educating them regarding the U.S. Constitution and political system.
Dr. Zarif, who has a masters and PhD in international relations from the University of Denver and two other degrees from San Francisco State University is considered much better educated and knowledgeable than just about any current Republican officeholder.
The letters are said to contain a copy of the U.S. Constitution, a brief overview of the unintended consequences of the Iraq War (the worst foreign policy blunder since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution), a coloring book featuring countries in the Middle East, and gift certificates for McDonald’s ‘Happy Meals.’
“Dr. Zarif hopes that this info packet will help educate the senators and allow them to make more informed decisions before they start undercutting their president and allies in the middle of nuclear negotiations,” said the unidentified source. “Dr. Zarif included the gift certificates so the senators would be rewarded for learning new things. It’s a method we use in Iran to encourage kids to become better educated, and we thought it might work for Congress as well.”
Senator Tom “Go Hawgs” Cotton’s letter to Iranian leaders, signed by 46 other Republican senators, initiated the historic exchange of correspondence.
Cotton’s letter, written in purple crayon, complained that President Obama would not let GOP senators borrow his toys or let them “play with him and his foreign friends,” so anything that Obama told the Iranians was just “made up stories.”
The letter also claimed that Obama was a “real meanie” who sometimes called the senators names, and threatened that if the President didn’t start playing nice, Senator Cotton would call his friend Bibi who would “beat him up.”
Cotton had hoped that the letter would cement his position as leader of a group of politicians that are hell-bent on starting a war with Iran. To his dismay however, the letter was met with shock and disbelief by almost every adult in D.C. and across the nation, and was seen by most pundits as another blunder made by a group of petulant children masquerading as statesmen.
A Republican insider told the Washington Post that “If these idiots will stop shooting themselves in the foot every five minutes we just might have a shot at winning the White House in 2016, but at this rate no one in their right mind will vote for any of these kooks. It’s depressing as hell.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Banjo, or Banjo the Stubborn as he is known in and around his Kingdom of Anthraxia, celebrated his 18th birthday yesterday by taking a nearly day long nap. The event was a far cry from celebrations of old, when canine royalty from all parts of Cherokee County were invited to a three-day long Feist Festival that featured agility competitions, tree climbing tournaments, and baby rodent eating contests. Most of the attendees were fellow members of the Feist royal family, but all canines were welcome at these events.
For those unfamiliar with this noble breed, Feists are generally small (shorter than 18 inches, and weigh less than 30 lb), short-coated dogs with long legs and a pointed (snipy) nose. The ears set high on the head and are button, erect, or short hang ears. Traditionally the tail is a natural bobtail. As Feists are bred for hunting, not as show dogs, there is little to no consistency in appearance. They are identified more by the way they hunt and their size than by their appearance.
Individual dogs can hunt in more than one way, but in general, Feists work above ground to chase small prey, especially squirrels. Most Feists have an extreme drive to chase rabbits, squirrels, and all other rodents.
When hunting, Feists, unlike hounds, are silent and stealthy on track until they sight a squirrel. They locate squirrels using their eyes, ears, or nose then tree them barking loudly and circling the tree. This circling and barking can go on ad nauseam for hours on end in the case of a particularly persistent Feist such as Banjo the Stubborn.
When they have treed a squirrel, Feists will chase the squirrel until it leaves their sight. During the chase they will wade through streams, leap over logs, and dash across roads to get to their prey. Most Feists exhibit a blood lust seldom seen outside the Middle East.
Although they put up a furious chase, Feists rarely catch squirrels, expecting their owners to obliterate them with a shotgun blast or an anti-tank weapon.
Banjo, the last aristocrat in his line of Treeing Feists, first assumed the throne as a young pup 17 long years ago when his father, Viola the Violent, was assassinated during a fifth column revolt masterminded by Viola’s half brother Cello the Squirrel Crusher. Cello met his demise under the wheels of a 72 Ford pickup shortly after the assassination when forces loyal to Viola chased him out onto Hwy 64.
After ascending the throne Banjo instituted a series of reforms which effectively abolished serfdom within his kingdom and granted equal rights to all canines, regardless of breed, color, religious affiliation, or sexual preference. The reforms were greeted with great praise within the kingdom and indeed all across Cherokee County.
Banjo even founded the “Pooch Project,” a series of dog houses built to feed and house strays that are down on their luck and need help to “hike their leg up” and become productive members of society again. The system has been studied by other rulers across the state and several have adopted it as a mutt motivator and effective safety net for the less fortunate.
Nevertheless Banjo has ruled with an iron paw for most of his reign, reserving the right to send lawbreakers away to serve long kennel sentences. Occasionally, some unfortunates are even sent into exile across the state line into Tennessee, a fate considered worse than death by canines and humans alike.
In general however, most miscreants are allowed to earn degrees in obedience while incarcerated and often come out changed dogs.
Banjo, is an almost universally adored regent, and has assured the immortality of his reign by commissioning statues and palaces to honor his ancestors. These monuments dot the landscape of Anthraxia to this day.
A sculpture depicting Geetar the Great’s victory over the coyotes at Chlamydia Creek, a five bedroom stone dog house dedicated to the reign of Harmonica the Horrible, a full sized bronze statue of Mandolin the Malodorous, and a diamond-encrusted golden water bowl cast in honor of Piccolo the Pernicious, who once slaughtered 37 chipmunks in a single day, all stand as great monuments to Banjo’s ancestors.
As his reign winds down, Banjo now spends most of his time napping atop his sofa throne inside his palace, the Cabin Anthrax. It’s doubtful that Cherokee County will ever again see such an extended period of peace and prosperity. Indeed, pundits have compared Banjo’s reign to that Augustus of Rome, James I of England, and even the Sun King, Louis XIV of France.
Although a pack of canine well-wishers surrounded the Cabin Anthrax yesterday howling in unison “God Save our Gracious King,” Banjo declined to appear, preferring instead to feast on a royal brunch of pork sausage, cheese and kibble Quiche made by his attendant and aide Uncle Jerry. Afterwards the sated sovereign returned to the sofa to snooze contentedly while his humble servant watched Arsenal defeat Manchester United in exciting FA Cup 6th Round action.
SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).
“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.
“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”
Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.
In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”
Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.
The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.
President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.
Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.
McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Two recent surveys taken by Public Policy Polling indicate that up to fifty percent of registered Republican voters may be in urgent need of legal guardians. The polls were taken of 1000 registered GOP voters between February 20th-25th.
In the first poll, which asked the simple question “Do you believe in evolution or not?” a 49% plurality of Republicans said that they do not. The second poll found that a breathtaking 57% of Republicans want to establish Christianity as the official national religion. Only 30% of respondents rejected the idea.
Not surprisingly, the polls found that most of those who rejected evolution and supported a national religion also supported the quasi-intellectual Dr. Ben Carson for president, a lunatic who believes the earth is only 6000 years old.
Tom Jenson, director of Public Policy, was disheartened but not surprised by the results of the polls.
“Look, we knew ahead of time what kind of folks we were dealing with here,” said Jenson. “I mean a good portion of these people believe that Obama is Lucifer in disguise, for Christ’s sake. What do you expect?”
“But this level of idiocy is beyond anything I’ve ever seen. These people reject science in any form, until they get sick or need to make a phone call, that is. Furthermore, they are apparently unable to either read or understand the Constitution, a document they purport to hold sacred. They want to return to some kind of pre-Enlightenment theocracy. They’re nuts!”
Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute went even further.
“These people pose a threat to themselves and all those around them. We don’t think they should be allowed to drive, raise kids, or vote in national elections. They really need constant supervision. I just don’t know if we will be able to recruit enough sane people to keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I haven’t seen this kind of threat to the Republic since Red Lectroids from the 8th Dimension by way of Planet 10 tried to takeover back in the mid 80’s.”
Public Policy promised an extensive analysis and follow-up on the results of the polls and plan on making some recommendations to the Obama Administration on how best to avoid the situation in the future. At this time the advice centers around improving elementary and secondary education in the United States particularly in the areas of science, history, and civics so in the future we won’t have to have to deal with a large portion of the public that does not know its ass from a hole in the ground.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – House Republican leaders proved that they are ready to lead America on Friday by putting together a historic compromise that funded the Department of Homeland Security for an entire week. The House voted 357-60 to keep the DHS open by extending funding for a whopping seven days.
Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) was forced to turn to Democrats to pass the bill, because the kooky Tea Party members of the caucus refused to vote for it on the grounds that Hispanic people are inferior to whites and should not be allowed to stay in the country.
Boehner had hoped to fund the DHS for even longer than a week and indeed the Senate had approved a three-week extension earlier, but conservative Tea Baggers rejected that compromise hammered out by the Speaker because it didn’t go far enough in blocking President Obama’s executive orders on immigration.
Nevertheless, Boehner was ebullient when interviewed over the weekend at his favorite watering hole in Georgetown, the Rogue Elephant.
“I’m very proud that at least some members of our caucus managed to overcome their hatred of minorities long enough to consider the security of the United States,” said Boehner, as he swirled a brown substance around in his glass.
“This week we hope to patch together an even more momentous compromise which will fund the department for an entire month! That way we’ll have some time to vote on another repeal of Obamacare and get down to work putting together some important tax breaks for the Koch brothers and other members of the 1%.”
Mitch McConnell, who was one stool over from the Speaker eating a salad, agreed.
“Uh…yeah…well…I just hope we’re able to slide that provision for those Romaine lettuce growers in there as well,” said McConnell, and then retracted his head inside his shell to take a nap.
“All in all I think this bill has shown just how concerned we are about the American people, and proves that we are mature enough to govern the country,” said Boehner. “I really look forward to the primaries so Americans can see just how great a Republican president would be.”
Pundits were not as optimistic as Boehner, however.
“You could not pay me enough to be in Boehner’s position,” said Chris Matthews. “Half of his caucus looks and acts like it just fell off the turnip truck. This group of idiots could not find its ass with both hands. God help us all if one of those clowns gets elected president. We’d all be doomed.”
WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy of Dunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.
The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.
McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.
“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”
Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.
The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.
Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.
“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”
Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.
“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.
“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.
CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”
TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI – (CT&P) – The bigots at the American Family Association have created a handy new interactive map that may assist intelligent people traveling through the Bible Belt in finding isolated pockets of people with whom they can communicate.
The map lists the names and locations of organizations that the AFA believes pose a dire threat to the Christian faith. The names of Atheist, Humanist, “Anti-Christian,” and “homosexual agenda” groups are listed along with their locations. Although the map is national in scope, it is mainly treated as a joke outside the South.
Donald Wildmon, president of the AFA and notorious anti-Semite, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally designed to help “the KKK, neo-Nazi organizations, and other crazed pseudo Christian rednecks like ourselves locate the headquarters of organizations considered to be enemies of Jesus.”
“We had hoped that publicizing the organizations that don’t hold our antiquated and bigoted views would help our allies locate, harass, and beat the shit out of members of these groups, but the plan kind of backfired on us.”
It seems that instead of idiots using the site like the AFA intended, intelligent folk traveling through the South have used it as a tool to make donations and make new friends with people who are actually able to reason.
The Courier interviewed several travelers to get their take on the map.
“The map has been a lifesaver for me,” said Vince Snetterton Lewis, an intellectual from Portland, Oregon. “There just aren’t too many places in the Bible Belt where you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation. The last time I drove through the South I went from Memphis all the way to Atlanta without stopping to urinate. You never know who you’re going to run into down there.”
Stig O’Tracy, an intellectual from Los Angeles, California said, “Have you seen the fucking billboards down there? I don’t dare stop unless I check the map first. I drive a hybrid with California plates. That’s probably enough to get the death penalty in some jurisdictions.”
Wildmon said that he hopes that what he called “abuse” of the interactive map would stop after certain alterations are made.
“We plan to try to make the site accessible only to certified Christians who agree with our whacked-out ideas,” said Wildmon. “We haven’t figured that one out yet but maybe some kind of thumbprint id system could be used.”
“Once we do that, we intend on publishing the membership lists of all these groups along with home addresses and phone numbers. That way we can visit these heretics and dole out some of God’s love just like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition did.”
WASHINGTON D.C. – (CT&P) – The Air Force announced yesterday that it is placing 18 A-10 Warthogs, the most feared and effective ground attack aircraft ever built, into back-up flying status in order to move the maintenance staff to work on F-35s, a high tech piece of shit that can rarely get off the ground let alone fire its weapons.
Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh have decided to move the Warthogs to back-up status “as soon as practical,” according to a notice obtained by POLITICO. That includes nine A-10s from Davis-Monthan Air Force Base in Arizona, six from Moody in Georgia and three from Nellis in Nevada.
Secretary James told POLITICO that “We need these maintenance personnel to wash the F-35’s and wax their exteriors so they will look good in photographs taken on the flight line. They rarely fly, but dirt and dust accumulates on the planes and it makes them look filthy, and we can’t have that.”
The 2015 National Defense Authorization Act blocks the Air Force from retiring the fleet, but gives it the option to put 36 planes into back-up flying status, if the defense secretary certified the move was necessary. Chuck Hagel did so earlier this month as one his final idiotic acts before he left office.
The venerable A-10 has been a workhorse for decades, and has proved to be a reliable and low cost ground attack aircraft that can blow the shit out of just about anything. It proved invaluable in both Gulf Wars, immolating and scattering to atoms innumerable enemy troops and jihadis alike.
The A-10 was designed around the 30 mm GAU-8 Avenger rotary cannon that is its primary armament and the heaviest-ever automatic cannon mounted on an aircraft. It also is able to carry a variety of other ordinance such as the Maverick air-to-suface missile, cluster munitions, Hydra rocket pods, and even laser guided bombs, making it “one bad motherfucker” on the battlefield.
By comparison, the trillion dollar F-35 has trouble turning left, right, and flying in a straight line. Its computer systems are full of glitches that can cause the plane to fly upside down or fire its weapons without warning. It’s just as likely to target an elementary school as it is a tank or enemy aircraft. Furthermore, the flying washing machine will not be able to fire its cannon for at least five years because the Air Force it waiting on a software upgrade.
Air Force General Buck Turgidson explained that while the A-10 was a “great plane,” the F-35 costs “one hell of lot more to produce and maintain,” thus guaranteeing a ton of money flowing into Pentagon coffers for years to come.
“The F-35 Lightning may not be able to fly that well, or shoot down enemy aircraft, or support our ground troops attacking ISIS positions, but it looks cool as shit and costs a lot, and that’s enough for the numb nuts in charge of protecting this great country,” said Turgidson.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Insecure horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly went berserk again last night on his Fox News show The O’Reilly Factor after more evidence surfaced that he exaggerated his personal exploits during the Falklands War. Mr. O’Reilly reportedly got so agitated that he was treated for dangerously high blood pressure shortly after the show aired.
O’Reilly has been playing defense since an article in the left-leaning magazine Mother Jones last Thursday claimed that, not unlike NBC News anchor Brian Williams, the Fox News host embellished accounts of his wartime experiences. In response to the story about O’Reilly’s reporting on the Falklands war between the U.K. and Argentina in the early 1980s, penned by Mother Jones editor David Corn, O’Reilly blasted Corn as a “liar,” a “left-wing assassin” and an “irresponsible guttersnipe.”
O’Reilly has maintained that he never said he reported from the actual war zone, in the Atlantic Ocean off Argentina’s coast, but did cover violent protests in Buenos Aires at the close of that conflict. CBS broadcast those clips at the request of O’Reilly, who featured them on his show Monday evening.
However, that didn’t satisfy Mother Jones, which said the protest footage does not really support his claims. Nor did it convince the New York Times, which quoted former CBS News staff members who had taken issue with O’Reilly’s accounts of those protests.
What O’Reilly referred to as a “very intense situation where people got hurt,” was played down by CBS veteran Eric Engberg in the New York Times story. O’Reilly maintained the veracity of his account on Monday night’s show, pulling out additional reports that described the disputed the protest scenario that he confronted in Buenos Aires.
O’Reilly claims that the whole situation is the result of a left-wing conspiracy against him by Keyser Söze, a Turkish criminal mastermind personally responsible for the demise of hundreds of people. O’Reilly dedicated his last segment to a desperate plea for help from his viewers.
“I know it’s Söze that’s after me,” whined O’Reilly. “No one else would dare question me. He’s enlisted the help of almost all the members of the liberal media to tarnish my good name and say that I’m lying about being a war hero.”
“Söze’s henchmen are all over the place. Liars, left wing assassins, and ‘scruffy and badly behaved children who spend most of their time in the street’ are following me everywhere,” said a sweating O’Reilly.
“You, my loyal viewers, know damn good and well I’ve never lied and have never been wrong about anything in my entire life. I’m begging you to come to my defense in my time of need.”
“I want to stop this now. I hope we can stop this. I really do,” said a tearful O’Reilly as he closed the show.
Members of the media were not impressed with O’Reilly’s pleas. David Corn of Mother Jones told the New York Times that “As a despicable guttersnipe who seeks the truth, I must and will continue to uncover the lies told by this giant bipedal penis.”
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.
“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”
God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.
Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.
His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”
After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.
Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.
The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”
“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”
“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”
“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) broke down in tears today as he recounted to reporters the tragic events leading up to the government shutdown on Tuesday.
“It was just a case of being beaten to the punch,” said a tearful Boehner. “How were we to know that winter storm Octavia would hit D.C. that hard? Now we have to face the fact that the weather, and not the GOP, caused the first government shutdown of 2015. I just don’t know how we’re going to live with the shame.”
The government was closed Monday for the Presidents Day holiday, so the snowstorm gave most federal employees (called “non-essential” in bureaucracy-speak) an extra day at home.
Conditions on the main roads in the Washington metro region ranged from fairly clear to totally snow-covered. Many downtown streets have not yet been touched, USA TODAY Washington Bureau Chief Susan Page reports.
Of course, White House operations pretty much keep rolling no matter what, although the daily press briefing was canceled.
However over on Capitol Hill, Congress was shut down, thus delaying critical meetings of GOP lawmakers set to discuss new methods of obfuscation and gridlock.
Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was particularly upset, as his committee had scheduled an important brainstorming session on how best to temporarily defund the Department of Homeland Security in order to derail President Obama’s immigration orders.
“It truly breaks my heart that some stupid snow and ice is gonna get the credit for the first government shutdown of 2015,” said an emotional Cruz. “Everyone knows it’s my job to screw up Washington.”
The day was not a total write-off however.
House Majority Whip Steve Scalise used the spare time to write a new bill repealing Obamacare and in the afternoon visited a tailor’s shop down the street from his house to be measured for a new set of brown shirts.
ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – As of March 1st the Weather Channel will start assigning names to cloudy and overcast days, according to an announcement made this morning by Weather Channel spokesman Robert Buffoon.
“Cloudy days represent a very real threat to every American, particularly those who live in areas where clouds form,” said Buffoon. “Cloudy days can have a big impact on local economies as well as the psyches of those people dumb enough to let the weather dictate how they feel.”
“In some regions of the United States you can even be arrested by overzealous police officers for smiling on a cloudy day, and we want to do our part to prevent this from happening by warning our viewers of impending cloud cover.”
The first cloudy day in March will be named Apocalypse, according to Buffoon. Some other names on the list of cloudy days this spring will include Cataclysm, Debacle, Fiasco, Holocaust, and Tragedy.
“We wanted to name these horrible and deadly weather events in such a way as to cause abject panic among our viewers. When you combine ominous-sounding names with end-of-the-world reporting, it really boosts our ratings, and that’s all we care about,” said Buffoon. “It’s basically the same formula we use with hurricanes and winter storms.”
Buffoon assured reporters that no matter what the danger, Weather Channel personnel would be out making utter fools of themselves from all over affected regions during cloudy and overcast conditions.
“As you know from our record here at the Weather Channel, no one knows how to look like complete idiots better than us,” chuckled Buffoon.
The National Weather Service has not commented on the new policy, but a NOAA meteorologist who wished to remain anonymous told the Atlanta Journal Constitution that “You’re better off calling up your local witch doctor to get your weather forecast rather than relying on those clowns. They can’t predict from one moment to the next whether the sun will come up tomorrow.”
I didn’t think I would ever do this again because the last time I wrote none of you ungratefull bastards appreciated the wisdom of my words. All yous could do was have a go at me gramma. Even after me sons final year English class at Melbourne Gramma proofed it.
Anyway Im upset, again about the dispectfull way in which your writers are treating one of the finest prime ministers we have ever had. Even to the point of commenting on his receeding hair. No bloody wonder hes loosing it with all the crap he has to take. I meam Juliar also had a hair problem.
I agree with Chris Kenny. Quote.
‘’For all the coalitions failings and missteps it is surely incontestable that Tony Abbott has provided the best 16 months of government Australia has seen in 7 years.’’
Absolutely incontestable.”
You can do as many fact checks as you want but they will never be a substitute for the truth.
I mean look at some of the things he has done. Hes put Bronnie in charge of the house and made the whole thing more equitable (did ya like that word) and fairer. Now she is a women with balls and is displaying an unbiased approach to the job that has been lacking with Labor speakers.
And with a cabinet shuffle hes fixed the sexual imbalance.
Just before I go on. I read that piece by John Lord; “Why are the Right so Feral?”
Fair dinkum. He wouldn’t know shit from clay. I’d suggest he takes a hold of himself. Surely it’s clear to everyone that we need to be free to pursue wealth. I mean I needed the freedom to accept my inheritance. The same with Gina. There will always be haves and have nots. Lifters and leaners as Joe calls them. Even Jesus said that. And Ronald Regan said. If we keep giving more money to the rich, everyone will have more money. It’s called tickle down economics.
And all this shit about the budget being unfair.
It wasn’t it was just misunderstood. Joe was just sayin that the poor and middle classes had to support the rich. Christ anyone can understand that.
It was the fairest budget in fifty years. I mean what choice did Joe have? Someone has to pay to balance the books and it shouldn’t be those creating the wealth. People need to understand the stress involved in wealth creation.
Conservatives were born to control capitol. Labour comes after capital. Not everyone can be effluent. Had we had less regulation and let market forces have their way we wouldn’t have had a Global Financial Crisis. Now look at the mess Tony has to get the world out of.
Oh and another thing. At the risk of repeating myself. I didn’t appreciate all the sarcastic remarks from those people last time. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.I can only say that good manners is a basic tenant of conservation. And women should be obscene and not heard.
Now where was I? Yes? There is no inequity in society. It’s just that some deserve more than others. We were born to rule. If we don’t have poor people who’s going to do the work.
That’s why I admire Christopher Pyne. It talks a lot of courage to do what hes doin even if I don’t understand what it is. I mean two many educated people can be dangerous for society.
They might all want to be wealthy.
And we don’t tell lies.
And talking about lies. How stupid people can be. Have a read of this letter I found in the AGE. I mean really.
“Some time back Tony Abbott told us that the best way to understand the truth of what he was saying was to have it in writing. Otherwise what he was saying was just idle chatter for an audience. So now I’m a little confused. You see now he is saying that what I thought he said is only a figment of my imagination. That what I think I thought he meant is not what he meant at all. That when he says something and I take it to mean one thing he has the option of saying that what I thought I heard was not what I heard at all. It was only my interpretation of what he meant. I mean, did he say what he meant or did he mean to say what he meant or was what he meant really what he meant.
I know that I am 75 and I have the odd senior moment but usually I know what I mean and what is meant by what I say. I also know that people understand what I’m meaning.The silly confused old fart must be suffering from dementia.”
And all that nonsense about knighthoods. He should have given John Howard one too. He would have appreciated it for sure. I mean really think about the contribution Philip has made to our country. I mean really think it if your capable. And I’m sure Philip will keep up the good work. When and if we see him.
Anyhow I think all the writers on this blog show such little respect for Tony its just revolting. I think you’re that dumb that you must be three bricks short of a load or not the full two bobs worth. Either that or your three sanwhiches short of a picnic.
And most of the comments have to be a joke – no-one can be that stupid and arrogant, unless they are members of the Greens.
And that fellow. Ive forgotton what his name is. Your comment about me being a lesbeim was despickable. I could describe you as a pain in the neck but I have a much lower opinion of you.
There were so manny comments regarding mylast letter. All of them in such poor taste that I feel I cannot avail myself to share my wisdom with you again. I can only hope and pray that someday the working classes will come to their senses and show their appreciation for the effluence we share.
. I think you are all so mean that if I paid you a compliment you would probably ask for a receipt.
So stick it up ya jumpa.
Morrie Moneyweather from Malvern.
PS , Tony is the best thing to ever happen to this country? So tell the person who runs this sight that he needs a manager. Hes been handlin himself to long. Good government started last week. Cant remember the exact date.
BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In a romantic Valentine’s Day ceremony Jerry Dickerson let the world know that he continues to be in a deep and loving relationship with himself. The moving ceremony took place at sunset on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico in Blue Mountain Beach.
In attendance were hundreds of Dickerson’s imaginary friends, thousands of phantasmal readers of his blog, and numerous apocryphal admirers from all over the planet. A reception was held at the Tom Thumb Convenience Store #37 at the corner of 331 South and U.S. Highway 98 West.
“It was a truly moving experience, said Walton County Deputy Sheriff Larry “Lardass” Langford, who happened to be driving by.
“I was just making my normal rounds on the beach protecting residents from ISIS frogmen and writing tickets to tourists who seemed to be having too much fun, and I happened upon this sacred and inspirational event.”
“I’ll never forget it,” said Langford. “Dickerson’s level of dedication to himself was heart warming. It brought tears to my eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so deeply devoted to the preservation of his own well-being and happiness. It really caused me to question my level of commitment to my wife Ethyl.”
When interviewed by Channel 7 Action News after the ceremony, Dickerson said, “I just wanted the world to know that I have found my soul mate, and he is me.”
Dickerson agreed with himself saying, “I really admire my life partner’s manly physique, outgoing personality, rapier wit, and above all his towering intellect.”
When interviewed, Dickerson’s mother Charlene told reporters “I just don’t see anyone breaking up this beautiful long term relationship that Jerry has with Jerry.”
“I know in my heart that no one will ever be able to love my son as much as he loves himself,” said the emotional and long-suffering mom.
After the reception Dickerson treated himself to a steak dinner at Angelo’s Steak Pit and then went back to his mom’s condo to unwind and enjoy seven soccer matches in succession.
Dickerson plans on spending some quality time alone with himself along the romantic Emerald Coast before returning to his home outside Murphy, North Carolina where he plans on dedicating the rest of his life to making himself happy.
BEAVER, UTAH (CT&P) – The bloodthirsty asshole who shot and killed Echo, the grey wolf who traveled over 750 miles from the Northern Rockies to the Grand Canyon, has admitted to authorities that his penis and testicles are far below average in size.
The hunter, whose name is being kept secret for fear that actual decent human beings would surround his trailer and skin him alive, told officials that he had “always been insecure about his sexual organs”, and that is one of the main reasons he liked to inflict pain on innocent animals.
The pitiful excuse for a man told U.S. Fish and Game officers that he had mistaken the wolf for a coyote.
Genetic tests conducted at the University of Idaho found that the DNA sample taken from the wolf killed on December 28 was identical to the DNA in scat samples taken from Echo, the name given to the Grand Canyon wolf following a worldwide naming contest among schoolchildren.
Wolves in Utah are protected under the Endangered Species Act, and hunting them can bring penalties of up to a year in prison and tens of thousands of dollars in fines. A spokesperson for the Fish and Wildlife Service would not comment on the shooting, but said the investigation is under way.
“I find it very difficult to believe that this asshole could not tell the difference between a coyote and a grey wolf, said the spokesman. “Any third grader could tell the difference with one eye closed, and it would be damn near impossible to miss the huge radio collar that Echo was wearing.”
“I think it’s far more likely that this shithead, like most hunters, is trying to compensate for his pencil dick and shrunken testicles by going out and murdering any animal that he comes across. I’m sure he also beats his wife and kids in his spare time.”
The loss of the wolf made international news and has sparked anti-hunting protests across the country.
“It’s very sad news,” said Michael Robinson, a conservationist and wolf advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. “We and a lot of other people were rooting for her. Echo’s death illustrates the peril wolves face even under the protection of the Endangered Species Act.”
“We certainly hope that this moron will do time and be forced to pay some heavy fines,” said Robinson. Maybe in prison he’ll be able to find someone lonely enough to appreciate his miniscule member. People like this son of bitch should be sterilized before they are able to reproduce.”
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”
“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”
Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.
In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.
“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.
When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”
Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.
“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.
“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.
“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.
“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”
“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.
HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.
“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.’”
Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.
Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.
“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”
Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.
“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”
Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.
“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”
Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.
“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.
“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.
“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”
The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.
“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”
“Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”
The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.
“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”
Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.
California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”
“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, I mean, fuck!”
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.
Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.
“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”
Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.
Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia. The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.
“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”
Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.
“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”
As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.
“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.
On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.
“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”
olddogthoughts 
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