Category: Humour

Humour May 6, 2016

Trump To Choose Running Mate With Some Sort Of Knowledge

Posted in politics

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a phone interview on MSNBC’s Morning Joe today Donald Trump told host Joe Scarborough that he planned on choosing a running mate who had some knowledge of something.

Trump said that the potential vice president should have at least some understanding of a wide variety of subjects that he knows nothing about, such as civics, foreign affairs, domestic policy, science, and history.

“A running mate should complement the nominee and make up for any deficits he may have,” said Trump, in an attempt to sound presidential.

“I want to find someone who will be loyal to me but at the same time will be able to provide me with information about things that I’ve never thought about before, like governing.

“For example, I’d like someone who knows what a bill is and how to get it passed, what form of government we have, and the functions of the five branches of government we have in this country. I just don’t know much about that kind of stuff.

“I’m much better at acting like a lunatic and spouting crazy conspiracy theories that I read in the tabloids. That’s fine for fooling idiot Tea Party voters in the primaries, but in the general election and if I win the White House, I’m gonna need someone who can actually engage in critical thought if I’m going to get anything done.

When Scarborough asked if he had anyone in particular in mind, Trump was evasive.

“It’s too early to tell at this point. This will more than likely be a long process because we don’t know of anyone crazy enough to accept the job at this point.

“I’d love to choose a current Republican senator or representative, but they’ve proven to the entire country they have no fucking idea how to govern, so I’ve crossed them off the list.”

Humour May 6, 2016

Family Of Killers: Father Of Zodiac Linked To Kennedy Assasination

Posted in politics

DALLAS – (CT&P) – Now that Rafael Cruz, father of Ted, the notorious Zodiac Killer, has been positively linked with the assassination of John F. Kennedy, it seems that the entire Cruz line is an unhinged pack of vicious killers.

Early Tuesday, Donald Trump exposed the elder Cruz’s part in the JFK conspiracy, calling him the “mastermind” behind the brutal murder of our beloved president.

Trump alleged that Rafael was with John F. Kennedy’s assassin shortly before he murdered the president, claiming that he was pictured with Lee Harvey Oswald handing out pro-Fidel Castro pamphlets in New Orleans in 1963, rock-solid proof that Cruz might as well have pulled the trigger himself.

“His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Kennedy’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is obvious,” Trump said Tuesday during a phone interview with Fox News. “What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported, and nobody talks about it.

“I think that most media personalities are just too terrified of the Cruz family to bring it up. They’re scared Lyin’ Ted or his religious kook Dad might go ‘off the reservation’ and take them out with a high-powered rifle or fill them full of lead while they’re trying to get some on Lover’s Lane.”

Trump’s hypothesis was bolstered later the same day when a video of Rafael ranting and raving about God, the constitution and what he called Second Coming of Jesus Christ in the form of Ted, his only obnoxious son, was aired on Fox News.

“Anyone this unstable is perfectly capable of assassinating a president, and God knows his drunken child abuse probably led to Ted’s murder spree on the west coast during the late 60’s and early 70’s. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to do it. I think it’s a disgrace that he’s allowed to say it,” Trump said, before touting his support from Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders.

Trump continued, “At least the religious kooks that support me, like Jerry Falwell and Franklin Graham, have their hearts in the right place. They know how to line their pockets while preaching the gospel, unlike like that lunatic Rafael Cruz.”

Although the Cruz campaign has yet to formally respond to the charges, surrogate Glenn Beck told Fox that Trump was clearly out of his mind, because everyone knew that the Freemasons and the Illuminati were behind the assassination of JFK.

“As usual Trump is just spouting nonsense,” said Beck, who was dressed in a suit made entirely of aluminum foil.

Humour, Uncategorized May 4, 2016

The Shovel’s Budget Night Bingo

the shovel's budget night bingo 2

It’s budget night! Play along at home with The Shovel’s Budget Night Bingo.

Follow us @TheShovel as we live-tweet the budget from just before 7:30pm EST. It’ll be just like the CIA’s live-tweet of bin Laden’s assassination, but less appropriate.

Humour May 3, 2016

Of religion and successful marketing: The doctrine of finding solutions to nonexistent problems

Posted in Uncategorized

Just Merveilleux

If you follow American politics, by now you’re privy to the case of the many bathroom bills introduced by religious conservatives in various states.

The recent, rather unsurprising revelation that all of the anti-trans propaganda is nothing but propaganda reminded me of the utter effectiveness of the Goebbels model. Particularly the fabrication of anxiety. Or as Doob put it in Goebbels’ Principles of Propaganda:

Propaganda to the home front must create an optimum anxiety level.

Propaganda must reinforce anxiety concerning the consequences of defeat.
Propaganda must diminish anxiety (other than that concerning the consequences of defeat) which is too high and cannot be reduced by people themselves.

Goebbels, of course, was not alone- nor was he the brilliant creator of modern marketing. Long before him monotheistic religions had already put those principles into practice with extraordinary success. The creation of anxiety has been the backbone of interpersonal manipulation forever.

We can…

Humour May 3, 2016

An open letter to the asylum seekers on Manus and Nauru from First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

My dear friends, I am writing this because I want to say … We are sorry that when you needed us, instead of helping we threw you into hell

Source: An open letter to the asylum seekers on Manus and Nauru from First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

Humour May 1, 2016

Every Picture Tells a Story

Humour May 1, 2016

Every Picture Tells a Story

Humour April 30, 2016

North Koreans Fuck Up Again

Posted in international

SEOUL – (CT&P) North Korea failed to launch two intermediate-range ballistic missiles on Thursday, the South Korean Defense Ministry said, adding to a string of unsuccessful weapons tests in the past two weeks.

The first attempted launch of the powerful Musudan missile crashed into the sea seconds after ignition. Hours after that attempt, North Korea fired another missile of the same type but that test also failed, the ministry said.

Thursday’s attempts bring the total failures in launching the Musudan — one of the North’s most powerful missiles deployed or under development — to three in the past two weeks, according to South Korean officials.

The successive failures are a potential embarrassment for North Korea’s obese and highly unstable leader, Kim Jong-un, just days before a rare congress of his ruling Workers’ Party, the North’s biggest political meeting in decades.

Pentagon officials said that the string of failures highlighted the fact that the North Koreans are a bunch of fucking morons that couldn’t find their asses with both hands.

USAF General Buck Turgidson told CNN that the North Koreans were “a race of idiots” who have trouble understanding how to operate a wheelbarrow properly, much less a rocket.

“You just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys can,” said Turgidson. “I really don’t understand why everyone is so worried about those people. Sure the Musudan is a powerful missile, but the biggest threat it poses is to the assholes who try to launch it. The last one spun around like a drunken sea-gull, crashed into the viewing stands, and killed over 100 North Korean generals. I mean fuck!”

Sources within the South Korean intelligence community say that North Korea is expected to try to launch another missile tomorrow after the proper number of army officers and technicians are eaten alive by ravenous Alsatians or executed with anti-aircraft artillery.

Humour April 29, 2016

Negative Gearing Used Most In Poorer Suburbs Like Toorak (Where Average Taxable Income Just $82.50)

By The Shovel on April 28, 2016

New modelling released by the Government shows that the nation’s poorest suburbs take advantage of negative gearing laws most, not wealthy suburbs as previously thought.

Residents of Toorak in Melbourne’s inner suburbs are the highest users of negative gearing, yet their taxable income last year was just $82.50. In Mosman, on Sydney’s north shore, the taxable income is just $17.92, but households here are rely heavily on the negative gearing scheme too.

“When you look at negative gearing through the lens of social welfare, as this modelling suggests you should, then I think we get a very different picture of its importance to Australia,” Treasurer Scott Morrison said today. “In light of these figures, it would be socially irresponsible for the Government to cut back on negative gearing concessions”.

Toorak residents were surprised by the findings. “What idiot let’s his taxable income get to $82.50?”one Toorak man said. “Clearly some people need better accountants,”

Humour April 29, 2016

Trump Accuses Cruz Of Playing Dildo Card

Posted in politics

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a press conference this afternoon GOP front-runner Donald Trump accused rival Ted Cruz of playing the “dildo card” in order to boost his chances of becoming the Republican nominee.

After taking a few questions regarding his nearly incoherent foreign policy speech made earlier today, Trump went postal on senator and subhuman monster Ted Cruz.

“Lyin’ Ted is running around telling everyone he has what it takes to be president, but I’m here to tell you, he doesn’t have it where it counts. He thinks that because he’s a prick he’s gonna get the prick and asshole vote. He’s wrong.

“I call Ted Cruz Lyin’ Ted because he’s a liar, and the only thing he’s got is the dildo card. That’s all he’s got, and it is pandering. It’s a weak card in his hands. In another person’s hands it could be a powerful card. I’d love to see a dildo as president, but he’s the wrong dildo.”

“Frankly, if Ted Cruz was a real man and not dildo, I don’t think he’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing he’s got going is the dildo card,” he said. “And the beautiful thing is, other dildos don’t like him. Look how well I did with trouser snakes, spawn hammers, and groin ferrets last night. Why, I’ve practically cornered the market on the skin flute vote.”

“The weird thing is that as big a dick as Ted is, he has really small genitals, and I mean really small. Ted’s genitals are so small that his entire package would fit in the palm of one of my unusually small hands.

“Listen up, Vibratin’ Ted, you’re a liar and a loser. I’m in the process of crushing your tiny balls like a couple of walnuts.

“If America really wants to be great again, I advise everyone to vote for me, Donald Trump, a man equipped with a huge one-eyed wonder weasel, and if you don’t believe me just ask Melania.

Humour April 28, 2016

Tonight on 60 Minutes we present a story so shocking you will be really really shocked We have discovered that rather than doing research to track down a story, the best way to get a story is to pay someone to commit a crime and then report on that!

Humour, Uncategorized April 26, 2016

24/7 Sub Building Contract Creates New Nightlife Option In Adelaide

By The Shovel on April 26, 2016

Local MP Christopher Pyne says the announcement of a new $50 billion contract to build 12 submarines in Adelaide will give residents another going-out option on Friday and Saturday nights.

“Whether you’re working directly on the subs, or you just want to go down and watch, this will be an exciting place to see and be seen come the weekend,” Mr Pyne said.

Premier Jay Weatherill said that with large spotlights likely to be used for night shifts, there would be a party-like atmosphere at the shipbuilding docks. “There will be lights. There will be noise. There will be people. Sparks will quite literally fly!”

Mr Weatherill said his Government was considering a shuttle service between the city and the Osborne shipyards for revellers. Residents of Sydney have been invited to come to Adelaide to see what it’s like to be out after 10:30pm.

Humour, Uncategorized April 26, 2016April 26, 2016

Ted Cruz Arrested Outside Public Bathroom In Pennsylvania

Posted in politics

SCRANTON – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that GOP presidential candidate and subhuman bigot Ted Cruz has been arrested after terrorizing several people at a rest area in eastern Pennsylvania.

According to the report local law enforcement in Gouldsboro, a small town outside Scranton, arrested Cruz after he threatened a group of potential Trump delegates with a nine millimeter pistol.

The delegates, who are all running in Tuesday’s primary, were apparently returning from a retreat and strategy session in Mt. Pocono.

Magda Goebbels, an uncommitted delegate leaning toward Trump, told reporters that although Cruz was wearing a “ridiculous disguise,” she knew it was him because she had met him at campaign rallies and recognized the stench.

“He can wear any fucked up costume he wants, but there’s no mistaking that odious asshole,” said Goebbels.

The police report stated that Cruz approached his victims on the pretense that he was a bathroom monitor and anyone entering the bathroom had to expose their genitals so he could be sure no “hanky-panky” was going on inside.

Once Cruz had individuals off to the side Goebbels and other victims reported that Cruz whispered, “I’m the Zodiac, support Ted Cruz or die.”

The effort seems to have backfired on Cruz because Trump supporters don’t seem to be easily intimidated.

“I don’t care what that cretin from Texas does, I’m with Trump,” said R.W. Scrotum, a plumber from Wilkes-Barre. “I told him to leave me alone or I’d take that pistol and shove it up his ass.”

Cruz was released on $100,000 bond. He faces charges of threatening assholes with a firearm, malicious mischief, and being a religious kook obsessed with other people’s genitals.

“It’s a damn shame,” said Goebbels while being interviewed by 11 Dead or Alive in Scranton.

“I really liked some of Ted’s ideas, but all that dildo stuff really soured me on him. No one comes between me and my vibrator.”

Humour April 23, 2016

Brenda the Civil Disobedience Penguin: ‘The Great Barrier Reef is dying! What is wrong with you people?’ Why aren’t Australians more freaked out about what is happening to the Great Barrier Reef? Why aren’t they treating this as a national disastermergecy? Call in the army! No wait, the navy!

Source: Edit Post ‹ olddogthoughts — WordPress.com

Humour April 23, 2016

Mississippi To Force All Children To Be Right-Handed

Posted in politics, religion

JACKSON – (CT&P) – Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill this morning that will force all left-handed kids to begin writing with their right hands. The legislation, called the “Jesus Hates Left-Handed Children Patriotic Religious Freedom Obama Is The Antichrist Act” was introduced as part of a series of new laws designed to guarantee Mississippi’s status as the most backwards-ass state in the Union for decades to come.

The new law also requires all left-handed adults to attend one of the many Christian re-education camps being built around the state, where sinister allies of Satan will be taught to write and worship with their right hands.

Adults who refuse to change their ways will have their left hands surgically removed in hospitals in adjacent states that possess the requisite medical expertise for such a procedure.

“It’s high time we closed this loophole that has allowed evil to dwell among us,” said Governor Bryant, during a press conference attended by journalists and other residents of Mississippi that could write.

“Recently we’ve made great strides towards maintaining our Third World status by denying rights to women, minorities, and the LGBT community, but we can’t afford to let our guard down. We’ve got to stay on our toes and continue to act as a sea anchor for the rest of the nation if we’re going to make the Baby Jesus happy.”

Other bills included in the package of legislation include new initiatives to condemn atheists to death by hanging, forcing liberals into labor camps being built by Hobby Lobby where they will manufacture evangelical knick-knacks, a ban on the use of electricity and indoor plumbing, and a special scholarship fund for students wishing to major in exorcism and the burning of witches.

Perhaps the most creative new law is one changing the Mississippi state motto to “The Land That Time Forgot.”

Response to the sweeping package of legislation has been mixed. The leaders of other morally and fiscally bankrupt states run by dumb ass Tea Bagging governors and legislatures have expressed their support for the new laws.

However, politicians in the rest of the United States, which pumps five fucking dollars of federal money into the Confederate black hole for every dollar that comes out, have expressed disgust.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York summed up the attitude of the enlightened when he said “I’m all for that hell hole seceding along with Texas, Kansas and any other state whose residents want to live like a bunch of serfs. To hell with them. I step on those cock-a-roaches.”

Humour April 23, 2016

Softer, Calmer Sophie Mirabella Pushes Cathy McGowan, Rather Than Punching Her In The Face

By The Shovel on April 21, 2016

In a sign of the new gentler image she’s developed since losing the seat of Indi two years ago, Sophie Mirabella politely shoved sitting member Cathy McGowan out of the way at a recent event, rather than planting a right hook on her jaw.

“I’ve learnt a lot these past few years,” Mirabella said today. “I’m more relaxed, that’s for sure.

“If the fucktards in this electorate want to vote for some loser independent over me, well they’re absolute dickheads. But I’m not going to get all worked up over it,” she said.

The former Indi member said the event would have ended very differently if it had been held three years ago. “It would’ve ended with McGowan on the fucking carpet. That’s how it would’ve ended. But that was the old Sophie Mirabella. Now I know that a quick elbow in the stomach is a more collegiate response”.

Humour April 22, 2016

Here’s The Tinder Profile Rupert Murdoch Used To Woo Jerry Hall – The Shovel

Source: Here’s The Tinder Profile Rupert Murdoch Used To Woo Jerry Hall – The Shovel

Humour April 22, 2016

Date For Mid-Term Leadership Coup Confirmed For Late 2017

By The Shovel on April 20, 2016

Uncertainty about the exact date of the next mid-cycle Prime Ministerial knifing has been laid to rest, with the overthrow now locked in for September of next year.

It follows Malcolm Turnbull’s confirmation of this year’s election date of July 2^nd.

ABC electoral analyst Antony Green said it was good to finally have some certainty. “There’s been so much speculation about when the next Prime Minister would be boned, but now we know the election date, we can work forwards logically from there”.

He said we would welcome our 30^th Prime Minister on the 2^nd of July, and our 31^st Prime Minister in the first week of Spring 2017. “That will give the Prime Minister – whether it’s Malcolm Turnbull or Bill Shorten – a good 13-14 months to settle into the job, before everyone gets bored, loses their shit, and looks for a fresh start. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited”.

Humour April 22, 2016

Cruz Says Path To Nomination Still Wide Open

Posted in politics

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.

The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.

Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”

“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.

“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.

“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.

The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”

Humour, Uncategorized April 22, 2016

Ted Cruz Proposes Ban On Consensual Sex Until He Gets Some Too

PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.

Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.

“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!

“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.

“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”

Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.

“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.

“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.

The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.

Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.

Humour April 19, 2016

Truckies and you – what every Australian should know! Truck scientists have inconveniently proven that there is a direct link between what drivers get paid and safety

Humour, Uncategorized April 17, 2016

Cruz Proposes Nationwide Ban On Sale Of Dildos

Posted in politics, religion

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Earlier today during a phone interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box,” presidential candidate and sexually frustrated deviant Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would institute a nationwide ban on the sale of dildos, vibrators, and any other sex toys designed to entertain or satisfy women.

The legislation, dubbed the “Compensating for a Small Penis Patriotic Religious Freedom Act,” would make the sale of sexual aids illegal in the United States. Anyone attempting to purchase such articles would be faced with “stiff” fines and jail time.

“The Bible says that sex should be restricted to married couples who wish to produce offspring according to God’s plan,” said Cruz.

“A dildo or vibrator inevitably becomes a third party in any relationship, and it’s no different from bigamy, which was outlawed when God changed his mind about all that ‘multiple wives stuff’ and wrote the New Testament.”

Co-host Joe Kernen asked Cruz if he had been smoking something before the interview and implied that he believed that he had clearly lost his fucking mind.

“I’ve long believed that a woman’s place is in the bed or in the kitchen, and because she is the ‘weaker vessel,’ she should always follow her husband’s instructions and do her best to please him, no matter what his perversions may be,” said Cruz.

“God made woman as a helpmate, not an equal, and if a man’s dick is too small to get the job done, then his wife just has to live with it.”

Kelly Evans, co-anchor of “Closing Bell” who happened to be present during the call, abruptly ended the interview by hanging up on Cruz saying that the candidate was a “Neanderthal religious kook who doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever becoming president, and thank God for that.”

Heidi Cruz, long-suffering wife of the lunatic senator from Texas, issued a press release shortly after the interview that stated that she and Ted would be having a long talk this evening after his appearance in Rochester.

Humour, Uncategorized April 17, 2016

Every Picture Tells a Story

Humour, Uncategorized April 13, 2016

Embarassing! Reserve Bank Accidently Puts Non-Australian On New $5 Note

By The Shovel on April 12, 2016

In an embarrassing blunder, the RBA today released a new Australian $5 note featuring a woman who has never actually lived here.

The RBA blamed the error on a junior intern who they claimed was messing around with the designs in Photoshop. “We accidently sent the wrong mock-up to print. It was, of course, supposed to feature a prominent Australian”.

The note, which also features native Australian birds and Nandos grilled corn on the cob, will enter circulation in September this year.

Humour, Uncategorized April 13, 2016

New High Speed Rail Will Run Between Sydney & Melbourne Once Every Election Year

By The Shovel on April 11, 2016

The Prime Minister has announced a new high speed rail policy that will connect the country’s two largest cities once every three years, or more frequently when there’s a double dissolution.

Mr Turnbull, who discovered the policy in a folder marked ‘For Election Years Only’, said the new train would provide a quick link between the Government and innovation.

“This is the fastest, most convenient election policy we’ll see, until it’s next released in 2019,” he said. “I can jump on this policy at 9am in Sydney, and then get off it by lunchtime”. He said all the mocked-up map graphics and stock photos of bullet trains on a blurred background were ready to go.

But Opposition Leader Bill Shorten was scathing of the policy. “Malcolm Turnbull likes to talk about train platforms, but where’s his platform for jobs?” he said.

Humour April 12, 2016

Panama Papers: New Investigation Uncovers List Of Suckers Still Paying Tax By The Shovel on April 10, 2016

Journalists sifting through thousands of documents from the leaked Panama Papers have uncovered a list of dumb idiots still paying income tax.

The list – which includes Australians – is said to be several pages long. It could be the most explosive find yet in what is believed to be the biggest data leak in history.

“We’ve learnt some pretty amazing stuff this past week, but even we were taken aback by the idea that some dumbasses were filling in tax returns and paying tax at the proper rate,” Investigative journalists Jenny McGuire said.

The tax – which is funnelled directly to central tax offices in countries across the globe – is believed to be used to fund hospitals, schools and roads.

“Some chumps are paying literally thousands of dollars in tax, every single year. That’s money that could be used to fund extra houses and yachts,” McGuire said.

More to come.

Humour April 10, 2016

Hundreds Injured After Fun-Loving Aliens Punk Evangelicals In Alabama

Posted in religion

BIRMINGHAM – (CT&P) – Dozens have been hospitalized and many more injured after a couple of alien observers pulled a prank on the members of Our Lady of the Poorly Educated Primitive Baptist Church located in Draconian, Alabama.

According to an article in Imaginary Friends magazine the two aliens, John Small Berries and John Yaya, Red Lectroids from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension, admitted to violating the Prime Directive by using a tractor beam to lift members of the congregation into the air and then allowing them to plummet back to earth. The simulated Rapture took place as churchgoers were gathering in the parking lot to participate in the weekly Wednesday night snake-handling ritual.

Small Berries and Yaya said that they could just not resist fucking with the members of the church any longer.

“We’ve been observing these idiots for years, and let me tell you, a dumber group of imbeciles would be hard to find in the known universe,” said Small Berries.

“I mean these folks actually believe they’re gonna be levitated to heaven at some point so as to avoid the wrath of some zombie savior when he comes back. It’s ridiculous. The closest I’ve seen to this kind of idiocy is the Lizard People of Zoltan. They think a giant alligator will visit the planet with amazing gifts and make their lives wonderful for ever and ever. It’s like some sort of reptilian cargo cult.”

John Yaya agreed, saying “When you’re dealing with lower life forms who think some incestuous farmer built an ark for the dinosaurs I say that all bets are off. I know we shouldn’t have interfered, and we really didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but we just got carried away. We only wanted to pound some sense into these misguided souls.”

All of the victims of the prank are expected to survive the ordeal, but many say they are scarred for life.

Helga Rodentwat of nearby Naive, Alabama told a local reporter that she really thought Jesus was lifting her up to the heavens to receive her reward for remaining a virgin all her life.

“Now I know it was all in vain,” she said. “I could’ve been out there raising hell and bumpin’ uglies all this time. Now I’m 83 and it’s gonna be hard to find a ‘date’ this late in the game. Shit!”

This makes the third time in as many years that Our Lady of the Poorly Educated has been in the news.

In 2014 the church was rocked by scandal when it was discovered the youth minister was running a child prostitution ring featuring a rare breed of miniature goats, and last fall three members of the church died of rattlesnake bites on the church grounds when no one was able to phone for an ambulance because everyone was speaking in tongues.

Humour, Uncategorized April 9, 2016

Every Picture Tells a Story

Tax Reform.jpg Turnbull Budget.jpg LNP image.jpg Panama Papers.jpg

Humour, Uncategorized April 9, 2016

Every Picture Tells a Story

Haven Seeker.jpg Abbott and Andrews.jpg Death is certain.jpg Ex Captain.jpg Tax .jpg

Humour, Uncategorized April 8, 2016

Cheeseheads Choose Cheesedick

Posted in politics

MADISON – (CT&P) -Senator, cheesedick, and all around despicable human being Ted Cruz romped to victory Tuesday in the Wisconsin primary, dealing a setback to fellow miscreant Donald Trump and complicating the front-runner’s efforts to win the delegates he needs to secure the GOP nomination without a fight at this summer’s Republican convention.

The primary contest offered just 42 of the 1,237 delegates needed to clinch the nomination before the party convenes in July.

But with the count expected to be very close, every delegate has come to matter and Tuesday’s win helped Cruz slice Trump’s delegate lead, albeit narrowly.

Speaking to cheering supporters in Milwaukee, Cruz declared his primary win a turning point.

“It is a rallying cry,” the Texas senator said. “It is a call from the hard-working men and women from Wisconsin to the people of America. We have a choice. We have a real choice.”

For one of the few times in his life, Senator Cruz was correct.

Republicans can choose between a giant bipedal orange dick and a subhuman monster that should have been ripped from his mother’s womb during the first trimester of pregnancy.

Exit polls in Wisconsin indicated that Wisconsin Republicans were not so much voting for Cruz but voting against Armageddon at the hands of a 12-year-old egomaniac from the bowels of Hell.

When asked what they thought of Ted Cruz as a human being, 38% of Cruz voters said that he was an “extremely dangerous religious kook who wants to institute Christian sharia in America,” while 27% said that he was an “odious cretin hatched from an egg in a former Eastern Bloc bio-weapons lab.”

18% of respondents said that they were convinced that Cruz was in fact the Zodiac Killer, 12% said he was the Antichrist, while 5% said that they had no clue what the fuck Cruz was, but he was better than Donald Trump.

100% of those polled said that they had no desire to vote for Cruz, but because the Republican party was so fucked up they felt they had no choice.

Cruz campaign manager Herbert Mephistopheles told CNN that he hopes the Wisconsin victory will propel the senator into the convention in July with enough delegates to wreak all kinds of havoc and wreck the Republican Party for generations to come.

Humour, Uncategorized April 7, 2016

Abbott Confirms He’ll Directly Confront Putin About Money Laundering Allegations

By The Shovel on April 4, 2016

The tricky question of who will confront Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin about an alleged $2 billion tax-avoidance scheme has been answered this evening, with former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott saying he’ll look after it.

“You bet you are, you bet I am,” Mr Abbott said, puffing his chest out slightly, when reporters asked if he was serious. Abbott reminded journalists he had form when it came to coercing Putin. He recounted the story of the time he strong-armed the Russian President into revealing whether or not he was behind the MH17 attack (he wasn’t, as it turns out).

Mr Abbott – who is re-contesting the next election on the promise of better transport links in his Warringah electorate – will meet with Mr Putin as part of his next international trip. Mr Putin responded to questions from reporters about the meet-up, saying

Humour, Uncategorized April 5, 2016

Obama Demands Trump Release Certificate Proving He Was Born With A Frontal Lobe

By The Shovel on April 1, 2016

Saying the American people deserved to know the truth, US President Barack Obama made calls today for Republican frontrunner Donald Trump to release proof that he was born with the front part of his brain.

“It’s really quite simple,” Obama said at the White House today. “If you have a frontal lobe, just release the documentation to prove it”.

The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that gives humans the ability to project the consequences of actions, determine between good and bad, and to suppress socially offensive behaviour.

Obama said the whole matter could be put to rest in a matter of minutes. “Let’s just get this out in the open and move on. I produced the certificate showing I was born in America. Mr Trump should release the certificate that shows he was born with a conscience”.

Mr Trump responded to the claims by saying, “Well I think what’s important here is that if you go to Qatar you see airports the likes of which you have never seen before. Dubai, different places in China. You see infrastructure, you see airports, other things, the likes of which you have never seen here”.

Humour April 3, 2016

Drug Wars

Humour March 27, 2016

We Rely Too Much On Government, Says Man Reliant On Government

By The Shovel on March 20, 2016

A man who says government should be drastically cut back and its institutions sold off, has agreed to be paid a six-figure salary by the Government for the foreseeable future.

It follows his previous six-figure salary paid for by the government, at a government institution he said should be abolished.

“We have far too much dependence on the government. We simply cannot expect the taxpayer to pick up the bill for everything,” said the man whose job means the taxpayer will pick up the bill for everything.

The man is expected to stay in the role for many years until he leaves with a government-funded pension.

Humour, Uncategorized March 26, 2016

Trump Vows To Stop Birds Migrating To America Next Summer

By The Shovel on March 23, 2016

Donald Trump says he will put an end to the ‘unsustainable’ mass migration of birds to the US for the northern summer if he is elected President.

Trump told a packed rally in Arizona that the birds were taking advantage of the current administration’s weak border policies.

“Under President Obama, birds have been pouring across our borders unabated. Just look out your window and you’ll see them. All sorts of birds. Birds from Mexico, birds from Chile. Birds that look nothing like you or me.

“They’re taking advantage of our way of life. They’re taking our jobs, and shitting all over our children. A lot of them, they come here just to have babies – anchor babies – so they think they’ve got some kind of claim to stay.

“Are we gonna stop this scam? You bet we are”.

Asked how exactly he would stop the birds, Trump said he would make America great again. “Look, we can bring back the American Dream. We’re bringing it back. People are asking me the question, ‘Is the American Dream dead?’ And it’s in trouble, I can tell you. But we’re going to get it back and do some real jobs”.

Humour March 24, 2016

North Korea Running Out Of Missiles To Launch Into The Fucking Ocean

Posted in politics

SEOUL – (CT&P) – In a memo distributed to media outlets, South Korea’s National Intelligence Service stated that it believes that North Korea is running low on its supply of functional rockets and missiles because they have launched so many into the Sea of Japan lately.

“We believe that the North has only about a dozen missiles left in its arsenal at this point because it has insisted on acting like an overgrown starving child and has been launching them right and left into the closest body of water available,” said the press release.

“The North’s idiotic actions over the last few weeks has left it with a small number of ballistic missiles which it could use to attack us, which is a good thing. However, we would like to stress that the despotic regime still represents a very real threat to any country that has progressed past the nineteenth century.”

The memo went on to outline a frightening scenario in which North Korea could send a wave of World War II era Russian T-34 tanks accompanied by millions of starving farmers with clubs in an attempt to take over the South and get something to fucking eat for a change.

“We can never allow our guard to drop,” concluded the memo, “you never know what those crazy fucks will do next.”

Humour March 23, 2016

Obama Destroys Cuba In Less Than 24 Hours

Posted in politics

HAVANA – (CT&P) – A distraught President Raul Castro of Cuba appeared on Radio Havana today and announced that after less than 24 hours since setting foot in Havana, the President of the United States had managed to completely destroy the entire country.

“Our beautiful nation now lays in ruins,” said an emotional Castro. “This monster, this Antichrist, was not satisfied destroying his own country dozens of times during his presidency; he had to haul his black ass down here and destroy ours as well, the bastard!”

“Cuba was once a glittering jewel of the Caribbean, now it nothing more than a heap of smoldering ashes. I had heard rumors from Republicans and other poorly educated Americans about how Obama had repeatedly ‘destroyed America’ but I chose to ignore the warnings and let him visit our idyllic land.

“Now I must take full responsibility for the disaster that has occurred. We have a long and hard rebuilding process ahead of us, but with the help of God and western European tourists we will prevail. God help us all.”

Mr. Obama offered no response to the radio address as he drank beer and toured a sugar cane plantation in the hills outside a burning garbage dump that only the day before was the thriving city of Cardenas.

He is expected to leave Havana tomorrow and destroy three countries in Central America before returning home to destroy America several more times before leaving office.

Humour, Uncategorized March 22, 2016

Spewing Hate in All Directions Andrew Bolt does it for Tony Abbott. Who He Called His Dog in Race

a 2 copy

Humour March 21, 2016

Hockey Pens Letter To New York Times Complaining About Lack Of Seating At Local Pizzerias

By The Shovel on March 17, 2016

Former Treasurer, now US Ambassador Joe Hockey has written to the New York Times again, just days after his letter defending Australia’s climate change record was published. We’ve reproduced his most recent letter below.

Dear Editor,

Where the fuck are you supposed to sit when you have a pizza in this city? I mean, seriously, where do you sit? You order a slice of pizza from some hole in the wall place, and then you take the pizza, and then there’s literally nowhere to sit.

Have you actually tried to eat a piece of pizza standing up in Midtown, or Soho, or the Lower East Side? It’s a fucking riot – there are people everywhere knocking into you. What if you’re carrying a bag? Just yesterday I spilt half a pepperoni pizza over a new white shirt because I couldn’t find a table. I exploded.

All I want is a little table on the street, maybe two pushed together if I’m with friends, so I can sit and eat my pizza properly. But no, you’re not allowed to do that. Regulations won’t allow it. Regulations! Jesus.

I actually tracked down the mayor to complain. It was six o’clock on a Friday night – I think the whole neighbourhood heard what I had to say. Except the mayor – he was at a meeting at the time, or something like that. Probably making up more regulations. But I’ll certainly be following it up.

While I’ve got you, tell me about the slices thing. Why not a full pizza? A full, circular pizza that you can divide up to share with your family. It’s not that fucking hard. You think you’re such a fancy advanced nation, but you haven’t worked out how to make a pizza in the shape of a circle.

Make it happen.

JOE HOCKEY

Ambassador of Australia, Washington

Humour March 21, 2016

North Korean Leader Urinates On Demilitarized Zone

SEOUL – (CT&P) – This morning North Korean Dear Beloved Large-Bladdered Vivacious Leader Kim Jong-un began a mission to “mark his territory” as a “show of strength and endurance” after launching another series of malfunctioning rockets and missiles into the sea this week.

The thoroughly unbalanced pudgy cretin who leads a country of starving peasants and nervous-as-fuck totalitarian generals vowed to walk along the entire length of the 160 mile-long heavily militarized border with South Korea, urinating as he went.

Kim told a cadre of shaking, sweaty reporters that he intended to show the American and South Korean “pig dogs” just who was boss on “this God-forsaken peninsula.”

“The imperialist swine are conducting military exercises intended to frighten us and prepare the way for an invasion so they can steal the vast riches we have worked so hard to amass,” said the murderous dunderhead.

“We will not be intimidated,” said the porcine imbecile as he slurped up an extra-large lard smoothie.

Korea watchers and Pentagon officials told CNN that Kim probably felt like he had to initiate the “pissing contest” when two more of his missiles went awry yesterday during yet another test of North Korea’s inferior weaponry.

“They were attempting to test two of their new medium range missiles, the Longdong II, which was designed to hit targets in the United States,” said Air Force General Buck Turgidson.

“But one just fell into the Sea of Japan, which is practically overflowing with their fucking low tech gadgetry from earlier tests. The other streaked straight up into the stratosphere and according to NASA is on its way out of the solar system. Will these idiots never give up?”

According to General Turgidson the hapless North Koreans also tested a new “super secret” rocket called the Vulgarian I, a short, stubby weapon shaped like a Vienna sausage which, according to the general, is all bluster and no substance.

“The Vulgarian I is completely full of shit,” said Turgidson. “Its only purpose is to scare and intimidate the poorly educated into doing the launcher’s bidding.”

Mr. Kim is expected to complete his journey sometime next month, by which time the joint U.S.-South Korean military exercises will be over, and the dehydrated dictator can get back to eating cheese and executing extended family members with Alsatians and anti-aircraft guns.

Humour March 20, 2016

Hateful Religious Kook Condemns St Patrick’s Day As ‘Gay Holiday Sanctioned By Lucifer’

DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.

Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.

“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.

“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.

“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!

“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”

Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.

Humour March 20, 2016

Welcome to Chaste Schools! Decent churchy folk are back in charge of our children’s minds Congratulations Australia! The safety of our tiny children is no longer in the well-moisturised hands of all those culturally marxist translesbigaybian atheists

Humour, Uncategorized March 19, 2016

Ancient Aztec Snake God Endorses Fascist For President

TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and all around despicable human being Rick Scott endorsed Donald Trump for president today. “With his victories yesterday, I believe it is now time for Republicans to accept and respect the will of the voters and coalesce behind Donald Trump,” Mr. Scott said in a post on Facebook.

The governor lamented the fact that he could not address the press directly on this matter, but said he was unable to do so because he was feeling lethargic after suffocating and devouring an infant this weekend during his once per month feeding session.

Scott, known to his intimates as Quetzalcoat, or “feathered serpent,” made clear his rationale: that the party will rip itself to shreds trying to stop someone with a clear path to the nomination.

“Ripping people to shreds is an activity that should be limited to state houses and governor’s mansions, and should only be done under the cover of night,” said the reincarnated Aztec deity.

“If we spend another four months tearing each other apart, we will damage our ability to win in November. It’s time for an end to the Republican on Republican violence and concentrate on tearing out the hearts and livers of minorities, illegal aliens, and their small children,” he wrote.

“It’s time for us to begin coming together, we’ve had a vigorous primary, now let’s get serious about taking over this country and turning it into a hell on earth.”

Scott responded to several comments that were critical of the governor backing a fascist asshole for president.

“Fascists have always gotten a bum rap as far as I’m concerned,” stated Scott.

“There’s a great deal to be said for intimidating a nation’s population through the use of concentration camps, perpetual war, and human sacrifice.

“I think if we all work together we can elect a man who will be universally despised by both the citizens of the United States and all the countries of the world. I can’t wait.”

Humour March 18, 2016

Republican Establishment Longing For Sensible, Coherent Days Of George W Bush

With the prospect of Donald Trump winning the Presidential primary seeming increasingly likely, moderate Republicans have started to wonder whether they will ever return to the days of their last President, when policy was balanced, thought-through and well-articulated.

“Back then the most outlandish thing we had to worry about was the occasional dodgy war in the Middle East, or the odd collapse of a financial market. Whereas now, well, it’s all gotten a little crazy,” Republican strategist Ted Nailsworth said.

“It’s the incoherent babble of these current candidates too. It really is difficult to know what they’re talking about sometimes. But Bush, he had a way with words”.

Humour March 17, 2016

Open Thread – Best Political Chart Ever | Crooks and Liars

How the media sees their one percent.

Source: Open Thread – Best Political Chart Ever | Crooks and Liars

Humour March 16, 2016

They’re not eviscerating Trump: John Oliver and Stephen Colbert will never save us from fascism – Salon.com

The left is still convinced its late-show hosts can take down the GOP frontrunner. It needs a better plan, and fast

Source: They’re not eviscerating Trump: John Oliver and Stephen Colbert will never save us from fascism – Salon.com

Humour March 16, 2016

Trump Supporters Threaten To Crash Bernie Sanders Rally. Sanders Responds By Setting Up IQ Test At Entrance

Democrat Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has responded to a threat from Donald Trump supporters to disrupt his future rallies, setting up a simple IQ test at the entrance to each event.

A spokesperson for the Sanders campaign said she did not expect the new measure to create lengthy delays. “This will be a very straightforward process. We’ll ask each person entering the event a single question – maybe a times table problem, or naming a country outside of the US. And then if you get the answer correct, you just come straight in as usual,” she said.

“Think of it like checking your bags before you enter a sports game. We’ll have everyone inside as quickly as possible”.

Humour March 15, 2016

Surely we have to take some responsibility for electing this giant man baby? Follow our handy psychografic flowquizchart-o-gram to find out if you are personally to blame for the downfall of the Tony government

Humour March 15, 2016

Ben Carson Exchanges Soul For Seat In Trump Cabinet

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.

Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”

Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.

Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.

He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.

Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.

“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.

Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”

Humour March 14, 2016

Republican Base Bewildered By Last Night’s Debate

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Interviews conducted by Fox News today indicate that last night’s presidential debate has left most of the Republican base confused and bewildered.

Although most of the candidates’ statements were outright lies or feeble attempts to mask a desire to return to the Middle Ages, the debate mostly featured policy issues and little of the name-calling and childlike behavior of earlier contests.

“The debate was much more civil than the others,” said Chris Mathews of MSNBC. “For the most part the candidates acted like adults, albeit dumb ones.”

This change in behavior and shift towards arguing about policy issues has apparently stunned GOP voters and left them wondering who to trust.

“I didn’t understand a God damn thing they said up thar last night,” said Cyrus Buttplug, a longtime Trump supporter from Panama City Beach, Florida. “Just how the hell we gonna make ‘Murica great again talkin’ ’bout social security and fern relations? I don’t know who to vote fer now.”

Reverend Billy Bob McSneed, a kooky religious zealot and pastor of Our Lady of the Malfunctioning Scrotum Baptist Church in Putrid Springs, Texas, has been a supporter of Ted Cruz since he first announced his candidacy.

“I’m disappointed in Ted,” said the pastor. “I didn’t hear him mention the Baby Jesus one time. Not once! Just how in the hell are we gonna run this country without consulting the Baby Jesus? Tell me that!”

After the interview segments ran on Fox today campaign spokesmen have been scrambling to get on the air with the major networks to assure voters that the candidates will be back to name-calling, gutter humor, and mindless insults at the next debate, so the poorly educated base of the Republican Party has nothing to worry about.

“I think the potential nominees have seen their mistake and will do their best to correct it,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “With so much at stake in 2016, we just can’t afford to start making sense right now.”

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this:

Rate this:

Share this: