Category: Humour
Cartoons from The Canberra Times editorial artist.
Source: David Pope
Some of his best work.
Source: Ron Tandberg
Fox Host Sean Hannity encouraged president-elect Donald Trump to “transcend the media” because “he doesn’t need them anymore” hours after Hannity’s Fox colleague Shepard Smith said Fox News would not be using promotional material from Trump’s meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe “in protest of the media lockout” Trump h
Source: Sean Hannity Encourages Trump To Continue His Media Blackout As Fox Announces Trump Protest
Elites! Everything is their fault, they run the country and the media without even being in government or owning News Corp
US President-elect Donald Trump* says he will custom build a secretive island prison in the middle of the ocean, to lock up any immigrants trying to enter the country without a visa.In a sign of what may be to come under a Trump regime, the inmates will be held on the ‘Alcatraz-style’ facility indefinitely. The island, which is likely to be built on an island off the coast of Cuba^, will include women and children.Astonishingly, media will not be able to visit the site, and those working there will face prosecution if they reveal details of the facility. Furthermore, anyone held there will not be allowed to enter the country at any point in the future.The plan has been met with outrage from the opposing side of politics in the US, with many calling it inhumane**.Mr Trump also says he also plans to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. *Please change ‘Trump’ to ‘Australian Prime Ministers’ – Ed^Please change to Papua New Guinea – Ed**Please remove this sentence – ED
Americans have sent the strongest possible message to the nation’s establishment, electing a 70 year-old rich white man from New York.
“We really showed them,” one Republican voter said today. “Those elites with all the power and money can go shove it!”
“This wasn’t a race between Democrat and Republican,” another voter pointed out, “It was a race between the establishment, and an interloper who just happens to own his own building on Wall Street”.
“Jesus H Fuckety fucking fuck fuck fuck,” the world said in a carefully-worded statement today.
Still trying to come to terms with the fact that a supposedly advanced nation had elected a pseudo-fascist, egotistical, infantile arseclown, the world said it would close its eyes, slowly count to ten and hope that this whole thing was just some kind of sick joke gone wrong.
The world’s leading economists expressed concern at the turn of events, releasing a statement that said the global economic outlook is ‘literally fucked’.
Foreign policy specialists were more optimistic, saying the future was ‘on the balance of probabilities, totally fucking fucked’.
More to come.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJnSnV0BgCA
The late-night host warned that despite wanting to believe that America will reject Donald Trump, people still need to vote on Tuesday to ensure he doesn’t
As a wise comedian says, we must own Trump — he didn’t fall from the sky and, yes, he is a reflection our nation
Source: Heaven help us — George Carlin was right: Donald Trump is America – Salon.com
The US election is a complete shambles, it is a total shemozzle. It’s like a shambles and a shemozzle got together and had a whole family of calamities
PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.
“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.
“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”
Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.
Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.
“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.’”
When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!
“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”
Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.
Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.
‘The only safe space for Hillary to occupy is a prison cell’.
Source: One Nation’s Malcolm Roberts Says Hillary Clinton Should Be Jailed
One Nation leader Pauline Hanson is now only the third most ridiculous person in her party according to the latest rankings released today. She has fallen one spot since last month.
West Australian senator Rod Culleton was the big mover, taking over second place. Malcolm: Roberts has retained first spot.
Ms Hanson said she was disappointed with the rankings drop, but was confident she could come up with something significantly racist or absurd over the coming month to push her back up the charts.
“We are being swamped by Asian Muslim, Chinese-owned squat toilets,” she said in a statement today.
Mr Culleton said he would be working hard to take top spot in the near future. Although he walked back from that comment after Malcolm Roberts reiterated claims the Government was trying to control him through the use of grammar.
Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump has moved swiftly to remove the stench created by Australian Senator Cory Bernardi’s endorsement, saying he had no prior knowledge of the South Australian’s backing.
“I have standards,” Mr Trump said in a carefully-worded statement today. “This is not the type of company I want to keep – I have an image to maintain here. People are free to make endorsements, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept them”.
The Trump camp is acutely aware that an association with someone as ridiculous as Cory Bernardi is not a good look. At this late stage in the campaign, image-management is everything.
Political commentator John Scotchmore said candidates were often judged by the people they associated with. “Trump supporters are willing to go along with some pretty crazy ideas, but there are limits,” he said, adding it was a ‘smart move’ by Trump HQ to move so decisively on the matter.
The unwelcome return of Carlos Danger.
Source: John Oliver Slams Anthony Weiner and FBI Over Hillary Clinton’s Newest Email Problem | Mother Jones
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Tracking Poll, village idiots across the United States are breaking for Donald Trump. Clinton and Trump are al…
Source: Poll: Village Idiots Breaking For Trump | The Cretonia Times-Picayune
Australia! The home of the fair go … or at least it was. We haven’t heard from the fair go for a while
“I’m staying in this country like the string quartet stayed on the Titanic,” Oliver cracked at a Tuesday event VIDEO
Source: John Oliver vows to stay in U.S., even if Donald Trump is elected – Salon.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiB6SqCcuW0
The Last Week Tonight host ridicules Trump’s recent performances and concocts a plan to get the Republican candidate to concede
Rocky Dabscheck tunes in as Donald Trump reveals in an exclusive radio interview his plans to “Make America great again”.
Source: Making America great again
Malcolm Turnbull has assured Australians that his party will not repeat the mistakes of Labor and will instead use a ‘thoroughly Liberal’ methodology for destabilising themselves from within.
At the end of a week of in-fighting, Mr Turnbull said he was confident the issues would be dealt with in an open, laissez-faire way. “I’m a strong believer in the market system, as are my colleagues,” Mr Turnbull said today.
“So we won’t be repeating the mistakes of Labor; we won’t be going down that path. Our process for ripping ourselves to pieces will instead be more efficient, more agile, and a much better use of resources”.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A new SurveyLizard/Washington Post poll released today has found that the vast majority of mentally challenged Americans now believe that the presidential election is rigged against Republican candidate Donald Trump.
The poll, taken over a period of three days, found that 99% of idiots, 86% of imbeciles, and 71% of morons are convinced that shadowy forces beyond their control are deciding the election in Hillary Clinton’s favor.
“Some respondents said that it was the media, others said it was the Republican and Democratic establishment, and still others told us that a secretive cabal of international Jewish financiers and Freemasons were to blame,” said Dick Passwater, who managed the poll for SurveyLizard. “The dumbest of the dumb even said that it was a combination of all of the above entities plus some influential space aliens.”
“One interesting result of the poll was that the higher on the IQ scale you went, the less likely the participants were to think that the election results were going to be tampered with,” said Passwater.
Azalia Snail of the Post agreed saying, “The lower the IQ, the more likely these poor bastards were to believe in this ridiculous conspiracy theory. I mean, you have to be pretty childlike to believe that 3144 counties and parishes in the United States could cooperate with the Illuminati or anyone else in order to steal the election from Trump.
“It’s much more likely that the GOP has chosen a toxic orange douche of a candidate whose ideas are so repulsive to most Americans that he’s fucking up his own candidacy and wrecking the entire Republican Party.”
Poll: Most Mentally Deficient Americans Think Election Is Rigged Posted in politics Monty Python NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A new SurveyLizard/Washington Post poll released today has found that the vast majority of mentally challenged Americans now believe that the presidential election is rigged against Republican candidate Donald Trump. The poll, taken over a period of three days, found that 99% of idiots, 86% of imbeciles, and 71% of morons are convinced that shadowy forces beyond their control are deciding the election in Hillary Clinton’s favor. “Some respondents said that it was the media, others said it was the Republican and Democratic establishment, and still others told us that a secretive cabal of international Jewish financiers and Freemasons were to blame,” said Dick Passwater, who managed the poll for SurveyLizard. “The dumbest of the dumb even said that it was a combination of all of the above entities plus some influential space aliens.” “One interesting result of the poll was that the higher on the IQ scale you went, the less likely the participants were to think that the election results were going to be tampered with,” said Passwater. Azalia Snail of the Post agreed saying, “The lower the IQ, the more likely these poor bastards were to believe in this ridiculous conspiracy theory. I mean, you have to be pretty childlike to believe that 3144 counties and parishes in the United States could cooperate with the Illuminati or anyone else in order to steal the election from Trump. “It’s much more likely that the GOP has chosen a toxic orange douche of a candidate whose ideas are so repulsive to most Americans that he’s fucking up his own candidacy and wrecking the entire Republican Party.”
LAS VEGAS – (CT&P) – The reports to the police have one thing in common with the circus act involving an improbable number of clowns emerging from a small car.
They just keep coming, and coming, and coming, across multiple states. Clowns in vans. Clowns in the woods. Clowns lurking in the shadows. Clowns chasing people or doing crimes.
But no one expected the rash of creepy clown sightings would affect the presidential election.
After Hillary Clinton took the stage last night in Las Vegas at the third and final debate, a giant clown dressed in an imported suit, ridiculously long tie, and covered in orange grease paint emerged and stood behind the opposition podium. The clown was wearing what seemed to be a dead fox on his head.
“It was really creepy,” said Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates Janet Brown.
“We have no idea where the clown came from. He obviously had no political experience or debating skills. We think he was there just to create chaos. One thing’s for sure, almost everyone was disgusted by his weird, nonsensical statements.”
The clown remained on stage and continually interrupted both the moderator and his opponent. As the debate wore on he became more and more incoherent as his blood pressure rose and his skin began to glow like a nuclear fuel rod.
After the debate the clown was seen getting into a large SUV and departing the venue.
The first reports of unusual orange clown sightings surfaced last summer with stories that the costumed figures were offering women money to lure them into the woods or were lingering in places while spouting hatred about immigrants and Muslims.
The orange clown sightings are apparently unconnected with sightings of average everyday clowns claimed in at least six other states: Alabama, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, North Carolina and Pennsylvania.
Donald Trump’s entire campaign has been rigged and is being funded by Hillary Clinton, the Republican candidate has claimed.
In a blistering speech to supporters, Trump said his series of missteps and gaffes was entirely of Clinton’s making and was likely to get worse in the final days of the campaign.
“These ridiculous speeches I make every day – all Clinton’s work. She’s behind this. And so is the media. At every single event I go to and make a complete dick of myself, the media is there. I’ve seen them. I know. It’s not rocket science people, believe me. Do the math.
“And you know what? Hillary has a vested interest in winning this thing. She does. She’s the one funding me, she’s got all the contacts, I know it
Greensboro, N.C. – (CT&P) – During what pundits described as his most unhinged speech to date, Donald Trump told supporters today to prepare for the arrival of a comet which would “Make the Galaxy Great Again.”
Trump said the comet was discovered by amateur astronomer Marvin Schicklegruber of Forlorn Hope, Mississippi, who named it Trump-Pence in honor of his heroes on the Republican ticket.
“This is the biggest, best, most beautiful comet that ever came out of the Oort Cloud,” said Trump.
Mr Trump explained that the comet will appear in the heavens the week before the election, portending his victory over ‘Crooked Hillary’ and a secretive international cabal of bankers, Jews, women, educated people, immigrants, space aliens, establishment Republicans, dermatologists, and Paul Ryan who have all banded together to say very very horrible things about him and imply that he was not perfect.
Mr. Trump told excited supporters that the comet would usher in a new era in the solar system and eventually the entire Milky Way galaxy.
“Comet Trump-Pence is going to make the universe great again!” said Mr. Trump to a large crowd of poorly educated rednecks.
“In the coming weeks we’ll have instructions for all you loyal supporters regarding the comet,” said Trump, “but for now we’d like you all to buy alien abduction insurance to be on the safe side. On the way out of the auditorium please stop at the tables marked ‘Trump Risk Management’ and sign up. We have plans to fit every income.”
Appearing later on CNN senior adviser to the Trump Campaign Marshall Applewhite Jr told viewers more about the comet that Trump claims will bring change.
“Right now you can’t see the comet because it’s hiding behind Pluto,” said a visibly agitated Applewhite. “But when it gets here we’re gonna get on board the Mothership that’s traveling in its tail. The Mothership will take us to a new planet where there are no minorities and only subservient women. There we’ll have plenty of lebensraum and we’ll sire a racially pure civilization that will make the galaxy great again!”
Despite multiple attempts, the existence of Trump-Pence has not been confirmed by any independent observatories anywhere in the world. However, since Republicans traditionally don’t give a flying fuck about science, that fact is unlikely to have any effect on Trump supporters.
Shovel on October 13, 2016 trump-clown Police have confirmed reports of another creepy clown sighting, this time at a large stadium in Ohio. In the most serious incident since the creepy clown craze began, the man – believed to be in his 60s – walked on stage and told the assembled crowd he was going to make America great again. He then spoke for over half an hour using a series of phrases that made absolutely no sense. Wearing a ridiculous wig, and with his face painted orange, the man had creepy, tiny little hands that were way too small for his body.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – During a speech this morning Donald Trump announced that he has come under attack by what “any reasonable person” would believe is a conspiracy involving, but not limited to, every national newspaper, every national and regional magazine, cable outlets, every television network except Fox News, all forms of social media, the GOP establishment, the entire Democratic Party, President and Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, the ghost of Buddy the Clinton’s slain Labrador Retriever, various sluts of all ages, the Illuminati, almost every Freemason on the planet, ISIS, Jimmy Hoffa, black folks, Mexicans, hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees milling about on Ellis Island, 1.8 billion Muslims, and the International Organization of Evil Jews who control just about everything on the fucking planet.
Mr. Trump said that he has incontrovertible proof of the conspiracy and it will be made public “really really soon.”
“The conspiracy is meant to demean me and steal the election from you, my highly intelligent and not a bit gullible supporters,” said Trump, as he glowed orange like a spent nuclear fuel rod.
“We all know that the Clinton Foundation has been grooming these ugly sluts over a period of months and has set them loose on the public right before everyone goes to vote on November 28th,” he said while waving his tiny hands in semi-circles in an attempt to hypnotize his dim-witted voters.
“I mean just look at them. Are those the kinds of women you think I would assault? I have a lot higher standards than that, let me tell you. I wouldn’t put my little hands anywhere near those skanks. And I want to make one thing very clear. I have never raped anyone! They were begging for it every time.”
Mr. Trump concluded his defense by saying that the attacks from every decent person on the planet had nothing to do with the words that spewed out of his own vile and vulgar mouth.
“It’s a huge, well-organized conspiracy decades in the making, let me tell you. None of this is my fault.”
Republican Party stalwarts say they are shocked at Donald Trump’s recently-revealed sexist comment, his 1,418th of the campaign.
Former presidential candidate John McCain – who pulled his support for Trump today – said enough is enough. “One sexist or racist comment I can excuse. Two, perhaps. 1,417, well ok. But 1,418? You’ve got to be kidding, that’s outrageous”.
Other senior Republicans were similarly stunned by Mr Trump’s behaviour. One spokesperson said he was outraged. “Calling women ‘dogs’ or ‘fat pigs’, or ‘Miss Piggy’ is one thing. As is abusing Rosie O’Donnell, or Ariana Huffington, or journalist Gail Collins, or Bette Midler, or a women breast-feeding her baby, or the female contestants on The Apprentice. And when he told someone she wouldn’t have a job if she wasn’t beautiful, or when he excused sexual assault in the military, well, that was out of character. But this, this is a real surprise. And it’s certainly a step too far”.
The Last Week Tonight host called the taped comments ‘entirely in character’ for the businessman, condemning Paul Ryan and Billy Bush in the process
Liberal Senator Eric Abetz has given heterosexual Australians all over the country the courage to tell their friends and family that they are straight.
In an emotional speech yesterday, Mr Abetz said coming out as straight was not celebrated or respected enough in this country. His words gave courage to those who for years have lived in fear and secrecy.
Tom Graham from Sydney’s North Ryde said it was a life-changing moment. “I went round to Mum’s and Dad’s last night and I just sat them down and said there was something I needed to discuss with them. And then I just said it – ‘I’m straight’. To their credit they were just so supportive. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders”.
Kelly McMahon said she too had been living a double life. “The social expectation to be homosexual in this country can be tough for someone who’s attracted to the opposite sex. But when a social leader in a powerful role like Eric Abetz says it’s ok to come out as straight, it’s really empowering”. She said she would no longer hide her heterosexuality from her workmates.
A group of Malaysian men in their twenties gate-crashed an event at the Palm Beach Surf Life Saving Club last night, performing an extended cultural show in front of stunned onlookers.
The show – which included traditional dancing, music and an interactive presentation about 16th century Malay instrumental styles – was said to be payback for the ‘Budgie 9’ incident at the Malaysian Grand Prix last week.
Revellers at the venue described the alcohol-free performance as ‘disrespectful’. Palm Beach SLSC regular Simon McRay said it was the worst Friday night of his life. “Four hours without being able to get a beer. It just shows a lack of respect for Australian culture”.The Malaysian men were released from the Club with a warning.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Appearing on AM Joy this morning on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway told host Joy Reid that she was not really concerned about the shocking new video in which Donald Trump describes his pickup technique, which apparently includes grabbing a woman’s genitalia as soon as he’s introduced.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Conway. “Everybody grabs a pussy at some point in their life, and some of us grab a whole bunch of pussies. I’d be willing to bet that Hillary Clinton has grabbed more than her share of pussies in her time. In fact, I bet there’s not a pussy in the State Department she hasn’t grabbed.”
When asked about Republican lawmakers lining up to withdraw their endorsements of Mr. Trump, Conway called them ‘pussies.’
“These establishment politicians are all just a bunch of pussies,” Conway said, as she massaged her crotch. “They’re all bunch of hypocrites because I know from working with them that they grab pussy any chance they get.
“I feel confident that our supporters will see through this attempt by the Clinton Campaign to divert attention from the things that really matter, like proving we never landed on the moon and exposing the conspiracy to cover up the Roswell Incident.
“So I say let’s not be distracted by a little pussy grabbing. After all, it’s what makes the world go round!”
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During his 11 A.M. Hurricane Matthew update, Weather Channel anchor and resident village idiot Jim Cantore told viewers that although most of the Florida east coast had dodged a bullet, there was still ample time for the storm to swerve the west and completely destroy the Sunshine State.
“Catastrophe could strike any minute,” said a nervous Cantore, as a wind and rain machine pelted him with palm fronds and litter from a nearby McDonald’s dumpster. “This storm could take a left turn and churn across the Florida peninsula like an out of control rototiller, effectively turning the entire state into a large island devoid of any law and order.”
While Cantore seemed obsessed by the threat Matthew still posed to Florida, hurricane specialist Carl Parker stressed the danger that still looms over the Georgia and South Carolina coastlines.
“Millions could still die,” said a smiling Parker. “This storm could regain its intensity and hit the Georgia coastline, barrel all the way to Atlanta like a runaway train, and explode like a nuclear bomb. Or, it could skirt the coast until it reaches Charleston, turn out to sea, then reverse course and flatten the city like a fucking pancake. We just don’t know at this point.”
Other anchors and meteorologists pitched in with their own warnings saying that the storm could precipitate a nuclear winter, Biblical floods, or even a zombie apocalypse.
“We’re not out of the woods yet,” said the ubiquitous Sam Champion as he wandered around a Burger King parking covered in three inches of water, “this storm could still mean the end of mankind. Thanks a lot Obama!”
MIAMI – (CT&P) – The latest computer models coming out of the National Hurricane Center in Miami are predicting that anchors and reporters for almost every cable outlet will remain hysterical until Hurricane Matthew deteriorates and heads out to sea.
NHC Director Rick Knabb told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that computer modeling from almost every U.S. source predicted that anchors and reporters in the field would continue to overstate the danger and act as if the world was coming to an end at any minute.
“We expect the melodrama to hit a fever pitch sometime this afternoon or evening,” said a frustrated Knabb. “It would be helpful if these idiots would just report the fucking news and get on with it.
“Everyone on earth knows that trees and stop signs are going to sway during windy conditions. We don’t need Hollywood productions of palm fronds flying around parking lots and dim-witted reporters trying to talk during downpours.
“Telling us the number of residents without power really doesn’t help either,” continued Knabb. “If folks can’t do without power for a few days they don’t deserve to live anyway.”
Knabb concluded by saying that although American computer models have been accurate in predicting cable channel behavior in the past, European models have proved to be virtually useless because foreign programmers just don’t have the experience with morons on television like we do in the U.S.
Tony was bravely representing the voters of Warringah by speaking at a Tory party conference in the motherland when he let slip he wanted another crack at being PM. Here are just a few of the things we need him to save us from
olddogthoughts 
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