Category: Humour

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North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Calls Missile Tests ‘Resounding Success’

kimjongun

 

PYONGYANG – (CT&P) – Dear Attractive Benevolent Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed today that this week’s short-range missile tests a “resounding success.” A pair of advanced (for North Korea) Tinyschlong-2 missiles were launched from a secret base just outside the capital and crashed into the Sea of Japan just off the coast.

“Our target was the Sea of Japan, and by God we hit it,” said the Dearest Beloved Athletic Well-Hung Leader. “We will use our superior technology to crush all you capitalist pig-dogs in the mother of all battles.”

The pudgy lunatic declined to state when the battle would take place, but said it would sometime “real soon.”

Kim watched the tests from a rowboat powered by serfs chosen at random from among the starving populace.

The murderous asshole dictator was also on hand to watch a missile launch from a submerged submarine go awry when it circled lazily around in the air and then streaked off towards China.

The entire crew of the sub was later executed using anti-aircraft guns and hungry Alsatians.

After the massacre Kim told the malnourished North Korean press corps that although he does intend on turning the entire peninsular into a giant radioactive cauldron of death, he looked forward to dealing with Donald Trump after this year’s U.S. presidential election.

“We have a great deal in common and I’m sure we’ll be able to work together,” said Kim, as he sentenced 11,000 innocent civilians to life sentences in concentration camps along the Chinese border.

 

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Trump Celebrates Debate Win With Parade In Downtown Miami

donaldtrumpdick

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Donald Trump celebrated his self-proclaimed victory in last night’s Republican presidential debate with a parade through downtown Miami today.

Trump marched at the head of a column of volunteers, supporters, and former foes such as Dr. Ben Carson, who only today endorsed the giant bipedal dick equipped with a smaller-than-average penis.

Carson told reporters that as a Christian, he was proud to endorse a fascist who incited violence, despised minorities, and had nothing good to say about anyone other than himself.

“Donald is quite a guy, and I think he has what it takes to convince a bunch of idiots that he can ‘Make America Great Again,’” said the former neurosurgeon as he popped a Xanax. “And I’m really looking forward to this parade because it reminds me of the parades that Joseph used to lead around the pyramids. Besides, there’s supposed to be free hot dogs and cotton candy later.”

The parade lasted over three hours, and thousands of Trump’s poorly educated voters lined the route and waved enthusiastically at the Mussolini clone.

“I’m proud to be here and proud to support Trump,” said Cleetus Reclinerpilot, a supporter who barely graduated from sixth grade. “I can’t wait till we kick that negra out of the White House so we can start buildin’ that wall!”

Trump was expected to take a brief nap to recharge his batteries before boarding his $100 million dollar 757 to go convince other poorly educated and poverty-stricken white folks to vote for him.

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5 Signs You Might Be Confusing Your Wallet With Your Wife

By on March 11, 2016

wallet v wife

Former AFL footballer Billy Brownless was a bit of a dill last night, comparing his misses to his wallet. But the truth is the two things are easy to mix up: one’s an inanimate object, the other is the thing you keep your money and credit cards in.

Us blokes have all done it at least once in our lives. Here are five signs that it might be happening to you.

1. You accidently introduce your wallet to your mate’s friend you’ve just met: You meet someone for the first time and you try to do the right thing, pulling your wallet out and saying “I’d like you to meet …” before realising it’s your wallet. Embarrassing!

2. You say ‘I’m home honey’ to your wallet: Sooo dumb! Your wallet already knows you’re home, because it’s sitting in the back pocket of your jeans.

3. You try to ‘touch on’/’tap on’ your wife, instead of your Myki/Opal card: Sydney and Melbourne readers will be familiar with this silly mistake. You’re headed into the train station, about to go through the barriers, and then you accidently pick up your wife to register your ticket. Awkward!

4. You take your wallet on a date night: Admit it, you’ve done this one. You’re sitting at a fancy restaurant, sipping on a nice wine, and then it occurs to you that the conversation has been a bit … one-sided. Ahhh! It’s your wallet on the other side of the table, not the woman you married!

5. You try to have sex with your mate’s wallet: After a lot of drinks, this can happen, but it’s an absolute no-no. Your mate’s wallet is strictly his possession.

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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GOP To Offer Michigan Governor Rick Snyder As Human Sacrifice As Part Of Stop Trump Campaign

rick-snyder-1

 

LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.

Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.

“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.

“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”

The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.

“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.

“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.

 

 

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“I Think For Myself” Credlin Tells Abbott To Say

By on March 9, 2016

Abbott thinks for himself

“I am my own man and I make my own decisions,” a set of talking points written by Peta Credlin for Tony Abbott says.

The detailed notes, leaked to the media, say that while Credlin had an important role in the day-to-day operation of the government, she didn’t have any influence over decision-making .

“Look, of course I always listen to a range of views. But as Prime Minister the buck always stopped with me [add emphasis on me],” the notes continue.

“Look, of course I always listen to a range of views. But as Prime Minister the buck always stopped with me. Add emphasis on me,” Mr Abbott said today.

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Abbott Says He’ll Need To Check With Credlin Before Confirming Or Denying Their Affair

By on March 6, 2016

abbott and credlin

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott says he will be happy to confirm or deny rumours of a relationship with his chief of staff Peta Credlin, but will need to run it by her first.

“If there was in fact an affair, then she’ll know about it,” Mr Abbott said today.

“She managed the day-to-day. I never got caught up in that level of detail”.

Mr Abbott said Ms Credlin would certainly know about anything that came across her desk.

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Why should Tony Abbott have all the fun? Subterfuge is a game the whole family can play Tony Abbott said, ‘There will be no wrecking, no undermining, and no sniping.’ Until now! Play our fun new game where the whole family can undermine the prime minister

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RNC Warns Candidates “Don’t Drink The Water” While In Michigan

flint

 

DETROIT – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that an emergency RNC memo has been circulated to all the Republican candidates participating in tonight’s debate in Detroit. The memo purportedly warns the candidates and their staffs against drinking any tap water during their visit to Michigan.

“We wanted to warn all the campaigns about the dangers of drinking water processed anywhere within the State of Michigan,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “The fiasco in Flint has been well documented, but what people may not know is that Tea Bagging bastard Snyder has wreaked havoc all over Michigan. He’s an environmentalist’s nightmare.

“We’re mainly concerned about Trump and Rubio. Those two dummies can ill afford to lose any more brain cells. Kasich already knows better, and we’re led to understand that Cruz only drinks human blood.”

The report from the AP has raised eyebrows with pundits across the country, particularly since only last week all the Republican candidates for president signed a pledge to abolish the EPA, repeal the Clean Water Act, loosen restrictions on the dumping of carcinogens and radioactive waste into rivers and streams, and to generally screw poor people whenever they get the chance.

 

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Poorly Educated Voters Choose Giant Penis To Lead Republican Party
Posted in politics

teaparty1

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Businessman, megalomaniac, and fascist prick Donald Trump was chosen overwhelmingly over other candidates by poorly educated idiots in Super Tuesday primaries all across the country last night.

Morons from all walks of life flocked to the polls to give the giant bipedal penis wins in seven GOP primaries, and delegates from each of the other four states in play.

The seven state sweep virtually guarantees that Trump will go into the GOP convention with a majority of delegates. Historians and political pundits believe that this is the first time a reproductive organ has been chosen to lead a major political party.

“It’s unprecedented”, said MSNBC’s Chris Mathews. “I don’t remember an election in which a giant dick has had so much success.”

Mr. Trump held a press conference in Miami to thank the simpletons, imbeciles, and half-wits that came out to vote for him.

“With the help of all you numbnuts, cretins, and chowderheads, we’re going to make America great again!” said Mr. Trump, as he gestured wildly with his undersized hands.

The few supporters allowed to attend the press conference acknowledged the abominable piece of human garbage with a Nazi salute before they were given cheese sandwiches and escorted out of the building by armed thugs.

Billy Joe Scrotumface, a Trump supporter and fucking idiot from Panama City Beach who was a special guest at the presser, told CNN that he loves Trump because he “tells it like it is.”

“It’s about time we threw out all the Messicans and Mooslims in this country,” said Scrotumface, as he oiled and cleaned an automatic rifle outside the building. “I just can’t wait to sign up for the deportation force.”

After the results of the primaries and caucuses became clear late last night, Republican establishment figures were sent scrambling for new ideas on how they could stop the hideous ghoul from New York from seizing the nomination.

“We’ve considered all types of plans, from exploding cigars to poisoned Perrier water,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “All I know is this asshole has to be stopped before he completely destroys our Party.”

If all else fails and Trump wins the nomination, cyanide-laced Kool-Aid has been prepared for Republican senators in blue states.

 

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Jesus Relaxes Membership Requirements; Allows Trump To Become A Christian

Posted in politics, religion

jesus7

 

PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace and Son of Man, is temporarily relaxing membership requirements for being a Christian, according to the Associated Press.

At a press conference held just outside the Gates of Heaven, the Savior of Mankind told reporters today that he hated to see so many politicians doomed to the fires of Hell for all eternity.

“I’ve thought for some time now that our entrance exam was a little stringent,” said Jesus.

“I feel sorry for Trump because I realize that it’s hard running a campaign without lying your ass off and expressing hatred for anyone who isn’t white; I mean not everyone can be Bernie Sanders. So I decided to give Donald and a bunch of other politicians, party members, and ministers a break for the time being.

“I also want to clear up a misconception. I really didn’t mean all that stuff I said about rich people. The acquisition of wealth should be a Christian’s main goal. Without rich people how we would fund all those big, beautiful churches and jet aircraft to spread the gospel?”

When Jesus was asked whether this wouldn’t open the floodgates to let a whole new class of people into Heaven, he said that indeed it would.

“It’s regrettable, and we’ll have to expand our facilities, but I think it’s worth it in order to make America great again.”

A reporter then asked the Messiah whether Ted Cruz would qualify as a Christian under the new rules.

“OH HELL NO!” replied the Lamb of God. “No way that bastard comes anywhere near this place as long as I’m in charge. Let Lucifer deal with his ass.”

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EDITORIAL: Who Is Going To Make Sure We Don’t Have Sex With Donkeys While Cory Bernardi Is On Secondment To The UN?

By on March 1, 2016

cory bernardi UN

Today the Federal Government announced that it will send South Australian senator Cory Bernardi on a 3-month secondment to the United Nations.

It’s a well-deserved appointment – acknowledgement for Bernardi’s recent work on diversity, inclusion and fairness – all principles the UN holds dear.

But in his rush to approve the appointment, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has overlooked one important consideration: who is going to make sure we don’t all have sex with donkeys while Mr Bernardi is away?

Since Mr Bernardi joined parliament in 2006, the incidence of bestiality in this country has been almost non-existent. He has worked tirelessly to ensure donkey sex – and dog, cat and rabbit sex – stays on the public agenda, but off the minds of young, impressionable teenagers. Particularly gays.

It’s a difficult, often thankless task, but one that is absolutely vital. You should not take for granted that even when you’re not thinking about having sex with an animal, Mr Bernardi is, on your behalf. For that he deserves our praise.

But with the Senator out of the country for three months, things could change, and quickly. When a mother turns away, children are inclined to play up. And in the same way, when Mr Bernardi leaves our shores, we will likely give in to the temptation to roger a cow. Or worse, legalise same sex marriage.

It is, as the Senator himself has said, a slippery slope. One minute we’re booked to take the family away on a cheap and cheerful farm-stay holiday, the next it’s been redefined as a romantic weekend away for one.

We need Mr Bernardi to keep an eye on us, and to guide us in the right direction. We urge Mr Turnbull to re-think his decision.

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This Is Not A Fucking Game Show, Rest Of World Tells America

By on March 2, 2016

trump game show

Choosing a Presidential candidate is not the same as choosing which contestant will go through to the next round of a celebrity cooking show, the world has reminded the US.

“I want to remind you that this is actual real life. You are actually choosing the guy who will be President – not which show to watch on TV tonight,” a spokesperson said.

“Just for clarity, this is to decide who will be in line to RUN THE COUNTRY. Not who will go through to the grand finale”.

But the explanation was met with confusion in the US. “Great summary, when does this next episode start?” Chirs Harris of Georgia said.

“I just like the sounds and the flashing lights. I hope he spins up top dollar in the next round,” Barbara Mason of Virginia said.

Hank McMannon from Texas said he loved a good drama series. “Such great characters. And that Klu Klux Klan scene – wow! Gripping stuff”.

The spokesperson explained that it was a lot more complex than that. “He’ll have the fucking nuclear codes – don’t you get that?”

“So it’s a war movie?” McMannon said.

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“I Was On Track To Be Australia’s Longest Serving Prime Minister” Abbott Says

By on February 28, 2016

tony abbott longest serving prime minister

Tony Abbott says he would have broken Robert Menzies’ Prime Ministerial record had it not been for an hysterical opposition, lack of party room backing, and a 10 percentage point shortfall in voter support.

Mr Abbott’s term as Prime Minister lasted two years – a tantalising 16 years short of Menzies’ record.

Writing for the conservative journal Quadrant, Mr Abbott launched a passionate defence of his Government, saying his policies of lower tax and budget savings would have seen him easily win the 2016, 2019, 2022, 2025, 2028 and 2031 Federal elections.

“I think it was clear for everyone to see that we were on track to win this year’s election, and the five following. We achieved so much in two years. Imagine how much we could have achieved in 18,” he wrote.

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Vatican’s Financial Statements, Prepared By George Pell, Leaked To Media

By on March 1, 2016

George Pell profit & loss statement

The Catholic Church made net earnings of ‘I cannot recall’ in the last financial year, according to documents prepared by the Vatican’s Finance Minister Cardinal George Pell.

The profit and loss statement, leaked to media this morning, shows that total operating revenue remained steady at ‘my memory is not infallible’, while gross profit increased further to ‘it is difficult to answer that absolutely’.

George Pell profit & loss statement

Cardinal George Pell has been in charge of the Church’s finances – believed to be worth in excess of ‘my memory is betraying me’ – since 2014.

Total tax payments for the Church were recorded as ‘definitely zero’.

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home australia world opinion selected sport football tech culture lifestyle fashion economy travel media environment browse all sections Australian politics Opinion Senate voting reforms sort of explained – by First Dog on the Moon Sadly, the voting reforms will mean no more Ricky Muirs, which is a pity because he seems like a nice sensible fellow, but is that a basis for a system of government?

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Uber’s Total Tax Bill Last Year Was Only … Wait, PUPPIES!

By on February 26, 2016

uber puppies

Uber, the Silicon Valley tech giant valued at over $60 billion, paid an astonishingly low tax rate of just … hang on a second! Is that a little puppy? It is! Oh my god it’s so cute! Come and look at this. I’m going to die it’s so cute. Look how small he is. He’s so tiny! Come here you little thing.

Figures released from the Senate inquiry into corporate tax avoidance found that Uber’s tax as a percentage of its earnings was just. Stop it! No! They’re delivering puppies? What actual puppies? To workplaces? Fuck off! Let’s order one right now. That. Is. So. Adorable. This is too much!

mike baird uber puppies

Uber, which employs 20,000 people in Australia, responded to the enquiry by saying. Who’s a good boy? Yes you are! Yes you are! Look at those little floppy ears. Where’s your ball? Who’s got your ball? Who’s got your ball? Come and have a cuddle.

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Facebook Adds Cory Bernardi Emoticon To Its List Of New Reactions

By on February 25, 2016

facebook reactions cory bernardi

Facebook launched its new range of ‘Reactions’ around the world today, giving people the chance to label a post as ‘Sad’, ‘Wow’ or ‘Fucking Crazy’.

“Nothing says ‘Love’ like a heart, and nothing says ‘Fucking Crazy’ like a picture of Cory Bernardi’s little head,” a spokesperson for Facebook said today.

Facebook also revealed a number of Reactions that didn’t make the cut, including ‘Embarrassing’, ‘(Cough, cough!), ‘This doesn’t add up??’, and ‘Cute!!”

 

facebook reactions

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Fredo Suspends Campaign To Manage Greyhound Track

jeb-bush-2

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – After a poor performance in Saturday’s South Carolina Republican primary, Jeb Bush suspended his campaign and told supporters that he would be headed back to Florida to help manage a greyhound track close to his home in Coral Gables.

Jeb, known affectionately as “Fredo” within the Bush crime family, said that he was looking forward to managing the track and making money for his mom Barbara, who recently took over the reins of the criminal empire from her husband George.

“I can handle things… I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb! I’m smart… and I want respect!” said Jeb, as he trembled violently in front of a crowd of over 25 supporters. “I never really wanted to run for office. I just want a nice quiet job where I can count money and pet the doggies.”

“We had high hopes for Jeb ever since he was a little kid,” said the new Godmom Barbara, “but he just doesn’t have what it takes to be an international crime boss like his brother.”

Bush is expected to take over as manager of the Furry Friends Greyhound Track in Tamiami in early April after he returns from a brief “toughening up” trip out west under the supervision of Bush capo Richard “The Dick” Cheney.

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Letting Baby Asha Stay Could Set Dangerous Precedent Of Compassion, Dutton Warns

By on February 22, 2016

peter dutton people smuggling

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton says the asylum seeker baby dubbed ‘Asha’ will be returned to Nauru as soon as physically possible, warning that a softer stance could be interpreted as humane. 

In a doorstop interview this afternoon, Mr Dutton said Australia had to be very careful not to set a precedent. “Some people say we should just let certain asylum seekers stay. That’s a slippery slope towards compassion,” he said.

“You spare one infant from hell, and then every infant expects you’ll do the same for them. You’re nice to one human, and then every human expects you to be nice. I’ve seen it happen myself. Well, someone’s told me about it happening,” he said.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull backed his minister’s stance. “Compassion is not some sort of renewable resource. We’d run out of compassion before the end of the week”.

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Heartbreaking: Jeb Bush May Never Get To Play With The Little Piece Of Iraq His Father & Brother Left For Him

By on February 23, 2016

Iraq map Bush family

When Jeb Bush – brother of George W, son of George Snr – pulled out of the race for President this week, he left many things behind. Not least, the opportunity to muck around with the piece of Iraq that his father had set aside for him twenty five years before.

George Bush Snr said it was a sad day in the Bush family. “I’ve always treated my sons equally. So when I withdrew from Iraq in the early 90s, I left a piece for each of the boys to play with later on. Little George Jnr had so much fun pulling his piece of Iraq apart and trying to put it back together again. It’s just such a pity that Jeb won’t get that same opportunity”.

George W Bush said he had been careful to leave Jeb’s part of Iraq untouched. “I messed around with most of Iraq in my eight years. But I was always careful not to touch Jeb’s little piece. Jeb loves guns. So I just knew it would been something he would love to blow up when he himself became President. Unfortunately that’s not to be”.

Jeb Bush was said to be inconsolable. “He’s worried Donald Trump is going to go in there and demolish his piece of Iraq without any thought for the history of the place”.

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Peter Dutton Survives Censure Over ‘Ugly,’ ‘Disgusting’ Baby Asha Comments

CANBERRA — Immigration Minister Peter Dutton survived two potentially embarrassing motions against him in parliament on Monday, as the fallout from the Baby Asha asylum seeker case stretches on.D

Source: Peter Dutton Survives Censure Over ‘Ugly,’ ‘Disgusting’ Baby Asha Comments

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Every Picture Tells a Story

BronwynTax.jpgBlues Bros.jpgGST.jpgScott.jpg

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Negative Gearing Is For The Average Everyday Battler With Multiple Houses, Morrison Says

By on February 19, 2016

scott morrison negative gearing

Treasurer Scott Morrison has hit back at claims negative gearing is only for well-off people who own multiple houses, saying it is also for poor people who own multiple houses.

In a fiery speech to property industry professionals today, Mr Morrison said negative gearing was used by all sorts of people with a property portfolio.

“I know some people won’t agree with me, but they simply refuse to analyse the data. Take a look at any typical Aussie with a second, third, or fourth property – rich or poor – and chances are they’ll use negative gearing,” he said.

The Treasurer said most of the people he knew used negative gearing. “Even some of the backbenchers I know use negative gearing to offset the losses on their investment properties. It’s very widespread,” he said.

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Tony Abbott believed in Royal Blood

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Truth in Pictures

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Same sex marriage! Sharia law! Easter Bunny arrested! Coming to an Australia near you The Australian Christian Lobby is bravely requesting that during the marriage equality plebiscite, anti-vilification laws are suspended to enable a mature and robust debate. It’s so no one gets in trouble if they reasonably say lesbians are poisonous

https://i.guim.co.uk/img/media/e38e9aa0721792fef68973df0d315aefda2fa5ba/0_0_2400_4268/master/2400.jpg?w=940&q=85&auto=format&sharp=10&s=f9da9cf2bfaf5885073d0c422b9bda69

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Turnbull Unveils New Cabinet (Ming Dynasty, Circa 1600)

By on February 13, 2016

malcolm turnbull cabinet

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull provided a sneak peek of his new cabinet to journalists today – a beautifully restored antiquity he bought at auction last week.

Mr Turnbull told reporters it was time to end the uncertainty. “There’s been a great deal of speculation about my new cabinet for some weeks. So I thought it appropriate to show the Australian people now,” the Prime Minister said today. “It’s a fine piece. It complements the Monet in the hallway so well”.

Mr Turnbull said he believed the new cabinet would serve him well for many years to come. “It has so much to offer. Until you’ve actually had a Ming to rest your coffee on or put your feet up on, it’s really hard to appreciate their beauty. Every home should have one.”

He said there were a few leaks and several weak spots in his cabinet, but that overall it was in good condition.

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Cool New Little ‘For Lease’ Signs Popping Up All Over Kings Cross

By on February 16, 2016

for lease kings cross

Sydney’s entertainment precinct King’s Cross is undergoing a revival, with a wave of hip new ‘For Lease’ and ‘Closed’ signs setting up in the area. 

Experimenting with new colours and modern typefaces, the new signs are redefining what Sydneysiders expect from a real estate message.

“It’s about doing something different,” trend expert Ben McDonald said. “Just yesterday I saw this quaint new little sign down an alleyway. It was tiny, handwritten – couldn’t have been more than 20cm x 20cm. But it just had such a great feel to it”.

He said it was great to see local creativity embraced. “I think what we’re seeing is a mix of influences. Taking inspiration from ‘For Lease’ signs in places like New York, and London and Berlin, but then adding a distinctly Sydney feel to it”.

Sydney Government spokesperson John Petrois said the new signs were injecting a new type of buzz into the area. “You don’t even need a licence to put up a sign, and you can put one up whenever you want – even after 10pm if you like. So we’re really encouraging local businesses to try new things,” he said.

Local musician Veronica Carlise said it was an exciting time to be in Kings Cross. “It seems you turn your back for a minute and there’s another great new ‘For Lease’ or ‘Closing Down’ sign that’s popped up somewhere. It’s a word of mouth thing too. I’m off to check out a new sign that my friend told me about last night. It’s been put up at an angle apparently, which is kinda kooky”.

Melbourne man Peter Marsden, however, said the Sydney boom was being overhyped. “Over here when somewhere goes out of business they don’t even put up a ‘For Lease’ sign. It’s more a discovery thing where you work it out for yourself”.

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McConnell Threatens To Destroy Tokyo

mcconnell

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.

McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.

“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”

McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.

“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”

Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.

The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.

“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”

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Funny as Hell Cardinal Pell
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2GB Listeners To Be Forcibly Removed From Alan Jones

By on February 16, 2016

Alan Jones Stolen Generation

Thousands of at-risk 2GB listeners will be placed in care to protect them from their out-of-control father figure Alan Jones.

“It’s for their own protection,” a spokesperson for the Department of Social Services said this morning. “It would be irresponsible of us to let them stay in that kind of environment, to be brought up in those circumstances”.

She described Jones as ‘bat-shit crazy’. “Every day he shouts at them. He’s drunk on his own self-importance. Those listeners, for their own benefit, should be taken away”.

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Athiest’s Song Book
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12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

Marco-Rubio2

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”

 

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Nation’s Dogs Frantically Rush To Get Papers In Order After Barnaby Joyce Announced Deputy Prime Minister
frantic dog barnaby joyce

Dogs around the country have checked and re-checked their registration and vaccination details after notorious dog-hater Barnaby Joyce was announced as the second most powerful person in the country.

Some dogs are said to have gone into hiding to avoid the fate of Pistol and Boo Depp who were deported last year at Joyce’s orders.

In an otherwise mundane media conference to announce his selection as Nationals Leader, Mr Joyce said, “We will decide which dogs stay in this country, and the circumstances in which they stay”.

He said setting up offshore processing for unregistered dogs would be his ‘top priority’ as Deputy PM.

Local dog Buster said it was a dark day for the nation’s canines. “There’s a lot of anxiety in the community for sure. One dog I know – who’s usually pretty relaxed – was pacing up and down his backyard this morning chanting ‘I’m registered and I belong here, I’m registered and I belong here’ So, yeah, it’s taking its toll.

“It’s probably ok if you’re a Blue Heeler or a Kelpie. But for us Chinese Shar Pei’s – different story”.

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Compromise Solution Reached: George Pell To Travel To Australia Without Heart

By on February 11, 2016

george pell heart

After several days of negotiation, Cardinal George Pell has agreed to travel to Australia for the sexual abuse Royal Commission, but will not bring his heart with him.

Cardinal Pell had initially claimed he could not take long-haul flights due to a cardiac condition, and was due to give evidence via video link. But by removing his heart before the flight – as he does before many other activities – he will avoid any potential complications.

A spokesperson for Cardinal Pell said that while the Cardinal does not typically use his heart on a day-to-day basis, he generally does like to travel with it. “But he is more than happy to make an exception on this occasion”.

Authorities in Australia are confident the removal will not affect Cardinal Pell’s evidence. “I don’t believe it will make any difference. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in when he last gave evidence, so I’m not sure why it’s taken so long to reach this compromise,” a spokesperson said.

When not using it, Cardinal Pell keeps his heart in an antique gold-plated porcelain jar at his Vatican retreat.

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Greg Hunt. Best. Minister. Ever Good evening and welcome to the Madeuppys, the World Government Summit Awards. We cross now to the minister’s acceptance speech …

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Truth in Pictures

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Bronwyn Bishop Named Australia’s Special Envoy For Austerity

By on February 9, 2016

bronwyn bishop austerity

A day after Philip Ruddock was announced as Australia’s Special Envoy for Human Rights, former Speaker Bronwyn Bishop has been confirmed in the post of Special Envoy for Austerity.

The role will focus on advancing the concepts of thrift and sound money management in international forums such as the United Nations.

Announcing the position yesterday, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said Mrs Bishop was the obvious choice for the role. “It’s hard to think of a candidate more adept, or more qualified for this position. As the world enters a more cautious growth period, Bronwyn’s natural flair for minimising costs and taking the more economical route will be highly sought after,” he said.

Mrs Bishop will regularly fly between Australia and the UN’s New York headquarters for the role. Australia’s healthcare budget has been scaled back to cater for the new travel expenses.

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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First Dog on the Moon’s list of ways in which Malcolm Turnbull has disappointed us ‘Elected’ on a platform of not being Tony Abbott, the Turnbull era has been characterised by … well, not a lot, really. After the initial relief, it’s all been a bit of a let-down

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Every Picture tells a story

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Every Picture tells a story

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Every Picture Tells a story

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Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

rubioiowa

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

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Children Of The Corn Choose Son Of Satan

SATAN_CRUZ

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.

In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.

Mr. Cruz had nearly 28 percent of the vote, Mr. Trump 24 percent and Mr. Rubio 23 percent.

Children-of-the-corn-1984-movie-4

“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”

Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.

“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.

“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”

Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.

Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”

With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the  man-child, or the Antichrist himself.