Let me tell you a few deplorable things that happened in America this weekend. Nearly 43 million people woke up in poverty in the richest country in the world. And 3.2 million Americans woke up without health insurance. A further 36 people died because of gun violence, bringing the total number of gun deaths in the US this year to 4,627.
DETROIT – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that an emergency RNC memo has been circulated to all the Republican candidates participating in tonight’s debate in Detroit. The memo purportedly warns the candidates and their staffs against drinking any tap water during their visit to Michigan.
“We wanted to warn all the campaigns about the dangers of drinking water processed anywhere within the State of Michigan,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “The fiasco in Flint has been well documented, but what people may not know is that Tea Bagging bastard Snyder has wreaked havoc all over Michigan. He’s an environmentalist’s nightmare.
“We’re mainly concerned about Trump and Rubio. Those two dummies can ill afford to lose any more brain cells. Kasich already knows better, and we’re led to understand that Cruz only drinks human blood.”
The report from the AP has raised eyebrows with pundits across the country, particularly since only last week all the Republican candidates for president signed a pledge to abolish the EPA, repeal the Clean Water Act, loosen restrictions on the dumping of carcinogens and radioactive waste into rivers and streams, and to generally screw poor people whenever they get the chance.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.
McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.
“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”
McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.
“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”
Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.
The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.
“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”