Ok, first we had those people trying to impose Safe Schools on our children. If God had meant schools to be safe, he wouldn’t have invented bullies. While that was bad enough, today I read a story about an overseas celebrity trying to impose a radical Marxist philosophy on all of us. Apparently, Ellen DeGeneres…
Source: Ellen DeGeneres Tries To Impose Marxist Agenda! – » The Australian Independent Media Network
Many women will allow themselves a moment to celebrate Hillary Clinton’s claim of victory as the Presumptive Democratic nominee for President of the United States. And yes, some of us will do so in the full and certain knowledge that we will be lambasted, patronized, lectured (and endlessly mansplained) for being so bold.
Following the warmest April on record, ferocious storms lash the east coast of Australia. You would think climate change in action would be an election circuit breaker. But it’s not.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – House Speaker Paul D. Ryan said Wednesday he will not be rushed into an endorsement of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, tamping down speculation that he was moving toward a declaration of support.
“Look, I don’t have a timeline in my mind, and I have not made a decision,” Ryan (R-Wis.) told reporters summoned to his Capitol office suite. “Nothing has changed from that perspective, and we’re still having productive conversations as part of our agenda project.
“You have to remember that this is the first time in the history of the United States that any party has nominated a turd for president, much less an orange one.
“The Republican Party is brimming with scat of various shapes and sizes. Take the Freedom Caucus for example, it’s loaded with feces, and let’s not forget the elder coprolites who have retired from politics like Newt Gingrich, so we in the GOP know a thing or two about excrement. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around supporting a giant bipedal stool sample for president, that’s all.”
He added, “I think it’s important that we discuss the principles we all share in common and the policies that come from them and get a good understanding on those. And that’s the kind of conversations we’re having, as well as trying to teach the dumb son of bitch some basic civics.”
What has made Ryan’s hesitation so profound is the gravity of the issues on which he does not believe he and Trump are simpatico — issues like the constitutional limits on executive powers, which is a focus of the agenda project. “We want to make darn sure that that huge pile of orange poop understands, appreciates, respects and supports the Constitution and the kinds of principles that come with it, and those are some of the conversations we have been having,” he said.
Ryan was pressed on whether the House was preparing plans for the mass deportation of illegal immigrants — a key plank of Trump’s platform. Ryan, who opposes mass deportation and supports a path to legal status for the undocumented, noted that immigration is not part of the agenda project, but like any good Republican he wished there were no minorities in the United States at all, so he believes common ground can be reached.
Issues like trade and immigration that were cleaving the presidential field months ago were deliberately left out of the agenda project, in favor of issues where GOP unity is easier to find, like denying poor people health care, spending as much as possible on the military-industrial complex, and abolishing all regulations on anything other than abortion.
Ryan offered no definitive date as to when he would make a decision.
Getting paid $270 to stay in your own house, without any of the tax implications that apply to other people, is just a quirk of the system, say a group of people who are uniquely placed to change the system.
“It does feel a little unfair that taxpayers would be lumped with paying off our investment properties, with us getting all of the capital gains. But laws are laws,” said Finance Minister Mathias Cormann, adding, “Do you know anyone whose job it is to make and change laws?”
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said he didn’t want or need the money, but took it anyway because he was a stickler for the rules. “I wouldn’t want to mess around with the powers that be,” he said at a campaign function about the need for Australians to lessen their reliance on Government.
Netanyahu’s allies were set for fresh negotiations with representatives of Lieberman’s far-right Yisrael Beitenu party to try to entice it to join the governing co
Source: Israel set to form ‘most right-wing government in history’ – Your Middle East
Australia will finally have an election campaign that deals with the possibility of asylum seekers arriving by boat, after almost twenty years of campaigns focused on other, less important issues.
“When it comes to election campaigns, too often all we hear about is health or education, or economic plans, when what Australians really want to hear about is what affects them the most: a guy getting on a boat,” Jenny Lance, a spokesperson for the Voters’ Alliance group said.
She said the early signs showed this campaign was headed in a different direction. “Since Peter Dutton’s interview the other night, I really get the sense that the next forty days or so of the campaign will dominated by the danger asylum seekers pose to our nation. What a refreshing change”.
Following her allegation that the Liberal Party is trying to undermine her, Sophie Mirabella now claims that voters may be against her too.
“Look, you can’t rule it out. Every time I ask someone in this electorate whether they’re going to vote for me, they go all quiet and avoid eye contact. So yeah, I definitely think there’s something going on here. There’s a conspiracy against me”.
She said had been the victim of unpopularity. “What’s the saying? ‘If you want a friend in politics get a dog’. Well I tried to get a dog the other day, but the workers at the pet shop conspired against me and wouldn’t sell me one”.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Paul Ryan and Donald Trump released a joint statement today meant to signal their unity following a two-hour meeting on Capitol Hill.
The statement from the presumptive GOP presidential nominee and House Speaker said the two had a “great conversation” and that they were honest over their “few differences” during two hours of meetings on Thursday.
LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Three men who went on a drunken rampage involving gunfire, vomiting, skinny dipping and the death of a tiny endangered fish in Death Valley National Park are now in custody, officials said today.
The men, now identified as John Ya Ya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries, are all on the ballot as Trump delegates in the California primary. They were seen on surveillance video the evening of April 30 driving around a secured gate surrounding Devils Hole, a 40-acre detached unit in Death Valley National Park. The habitat is also home to the endangered Devils Hole pupfish.
Once they entered Devils Hole, park officials said the men shot at signs, gate locks and a security system motion sensor. The men fired at least 10 rounds, according to authorities. They also left behind beer cans, vomit, and a “Make America Great Again” trucker’s cap.
During the excursion, one man jumped into the waters of Devils Hole and swam around for a while shouting “Mexicans are rapists!” and “Muslims suck!”
For some reason the man left his pink boxer shorts floating in the water. They are currently being tested for alien DNA.
Park officials later found a dead pupfish in the water — one of only 115 that currently inhabit Devils Hole.
Pupfish, which grow to about an inch in length, roughly the size of Donald Trump’s dick, are the tenacious descendants of fish that inhabited an ancient lake that once covered Death Valley.
According to the National Park Service, the pupfish population fluctuates between 100 and 200 in the winter and between 300 and 500 in the summer. The latest population numbers were tallied in a survey last month, park officials said.
“A necropsy is being performed on the pupfish to determine whether the vandals’ actions may have caused the death of this member of an endangered species,” park officials said in a statement.
Investigators are examining the area and reviewing surveillance video footage of the incident.
Park officials said the men not only shot the motion sensor, but also tried to remove cables in an attempt to dismantle the security system, but failed because they were so fucking stupid.
Video footage shows the men climbing over the fence and driving away in a blue Yamaha Rhino, an off-road vehicle.
The vehicle was later pulled over and the three men were arrested while driving up Hollywood Boulevard hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians, officials said.
Officials credit the swift arrest of the men to a tip provided by an anonymous caller who claimed that Ted Cruz was sent by God to rule over America.
The three men face charges of destruction of government property, killing an endangered species by toxic urine discharge, and chronic criminal stupidity.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of the CIA John Brennan announced this morning that the agency will be hiring Gladys Ironfist, a homeroom teacher at Stonewall Jackson Grammar School in Lynchburg, Virginia, to give classified intelligence briefings to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump after the Republican convention in July.
Under a longstanding bipartisan tradition, presidents allow their would-be successors to receive classified intelligence briefings to bring them up to speed on emerging threats around the world. The briefings usually begin immediately after the party conventions, and do not include the top-secret sources and methods.
Mr. Brennan told reporters that the agency believed that Mrs Ironfist would be able to explain the information in terms Mr. Trump could understand.
“We wanted someone who had experience in dealing with insecure, immature individuals without upsetting them or hurting their feelings,” said Brennan. “Mrs Ironfist has proven herself capable handling class clowns, brats, and self-centered little shits over a long an illustrious career.
“We believe she has the patience to deal with someone as clueless and thin-skinned as Mr. Trump, and she’ll throw cold water on any conspiracy theories he may come up with as a result of receiving information that is intended for adults.
“After all, we don’t want the crazy son of a bitch to nuke Luxembourg on his first day in office, do we?”
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has still not found his testicles, according to a report released from the Associated Press this morning.
“We’ve pulled out all the stops to try find his scrotum,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “I mean we’ve looked everywhere. At first we thought the Democrats had stolen them, then we searched the offices of everyone in the Freedom Caucus. We even asked the FBI and CIA for help. But so far, no results.”
According to a press release from the RNC, Priebus’ testicles have been missing since last fall, when it became apparent that Donald Trump would be a real contender in the race for the Republican nomination. Without them, Priebus has been powerless to do anything to prevent the GOP from being taken over by a neo-fascist lunatic bent on destroying the Party and the country as a whole.
“It’s getting really frustrating,” said the aide. “Some of us are beginning to think the asshole had no balls to begin with.”
Priebus has vowed to continue the search as long as he is chairman, which won’t be long if things continue as they have been.
New modelling released by the Government shows that the nation’s poorest suburbs take advantage of negative gearing laws most, not wealthy suburbs as previously thought.
Residents of Toorak in Melbourne’s inner suburbs are the highest users of negative gearing, yet their taxable income last year was just $82.50. In Mosman, on Sydney’s north shore, the taxable income is just $17.92, but households here are rely heavily on the negative gearing scheme too.
“When you look at negative gearing through the lens of social welfare, as this modelling suggests you should, then I think we get a very different picture of its importance to Australia,” Treasurer Scott Morrison said today. “In light of these figures, it would be socially irresponsible for the Government to cut back on negative gearing concessions”.
Toorak residents were surprised by the findings. “What idiot let’s his taxable income get to $82.50?”one Toorak man said. “Clearly some people need better accountants,”
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a press conference this afternoon GOP front-runner Donald Trump accused rival Ted Cruz of playing the “dildo card” in order to boost his chances of becoming the Republican nominee.
After taking a few questions regarding his nearly incoherent foreign policy speech made earlier today, Trump went postal on senator and subhuman monster Ted Cruz.
“Lyin’ Ted is running around telling everyone he has what it takes to be president, but I’m here to tell you, he doesn’t have it where it counts. He thinks that because he’s a prick he’s gonna get the prick and asshole vote. He’s wrong.
“I call Ted Cruz Lyin’ Ted because he’s a liar, and the only thing he’s got is the dildo card. That’s all he’s got, and it is pandering. It’s a weak card in his hands. In another person’s hands it could be a powerful card. I’d love to see a dildo as president, but he’s the wrong dildo.”
“Frankly, if Ted Cruz was a real man and not dildo, I don’t think he’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing he’s got going is the dildo card,” he said. “And the beautiful thing is, other dildos don’t like him. Look how well I did with trouser snakes, spawn hammers, and groin ferrets last night. Why, I’ve practically cornered the market on the skin flute vote.”
“The weird thing is that as big a dick as Ted is, he has really small genitals, and I mean really small. Ted’s genitals are so small that his entire package would fit in the palm of one of my unusually small hands.
“Listen up, Vibratin’ Ted, you’re a liar and a loser. I’m in the process of crushing your tiny balls like a couple of walnuts.
“If America really wants to be great again, I advise everyone to vote for me, Donald Trump, a man equipped with a huge one-eyed wonder weasel, and if you don’t believe me just ask Melania.
Local MP Christopher Pyne says the announcement of a new $50 billion contract to build 12 submarines in Adelaide will give residents another going-out option on Friday and Saturday nights.
“Whether you’re working directly on the subs, or you just want to go down and watch, this will be an exciting place to see and be seen come the weekend,” Mr Pyne said.
Premier Jay Weatherill said that with large spotlights likely to be used for night shifts, there would be a party-like atmosphere at the shipbuilding docks. “There will be lights. There will be noise. There will be people. Sparks will quite literally fly!”
Mr Weatherill said his Government was considering a shuttle service between the city and the Osborne shipyards for revellers. Residents of Sydney have been invited to come to Adelaide to see what it’s like to be out after 10:30pm.
SCRANTON – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that GOP presidential candidate and subhuman bigot Ted Cruz has been arrested after terrorizing several people at a rest area in eastern Pennsylvania.
According to the report local law enforcement in Gouldsboro, a small town outside Scranton, arrested Cruz after he threatened a group of potential Trump delegates with a nine millimeter pistol.
The delegates, who are all running in Tuesday’s primary, were apparently returning from a retreat and strategy session in Mt. Pocono.
Magda Goebbels, an uncommitted delegate leaning toward Trump, told reporters that although Cruz was wearing a “ridiculous disguise,” she knew it was him because she had met him at campaign rallies and recognized the stench.
“He can wear any fucked up costume he wants, but there’s no mistaking that odious asshole,” said Goebbels.
The police report stated that Cruz approached his victims on the pretense that he was a bathroom monitor and anyone entering the bathroom had to expose their genitals so he could be sure no “hanky-panky” was going on inside.
Once Cruz had individuals off to the side Goebbels and other victims reported that Cruz whispered, “I’m the Zodiac, support Ted Cruz or die.”
The effort seems to have backfired on Cruz because Trump supporters don’t seem to be easily intimidated.
“I don’t care what that cretin from Texas does, I’m with Trump,” said R.W. Scrotum, a plumber from Wilkes-Barre. “I told him to leave me alone or I’d take that pistol and shove it up his ass.”
Cruz was released on $100,000 bond. He faces charges of threatening assholes with a firearm, malicious mischief, and being a religious kook obsessed with other people’s genitals.
“It’s a damn shame,” said Goebbels while being interviewed by 11 Dead or Alive in Scranton.
“I really liked some of Ted’s ideas, but all that dildo stuff really soured me on him. No one comes between me and my vibrator.”
JACKSON – (CT&P) – Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant signed a bill this morning that will force all left-handed kids to begin writing with their right hands. The legislation, called the “Jesus Hates Left-Handed Children Patriotic Religious Freedom Obama Is The Antichrist Act” was introduced as part of a series of new laws designed to guarantee Mississippi’s status as the most backwards-ass state in the Union for decades to come.
The new law also requires all left-handed adults to attend one of the many Christian re-education camps being built around the state, where sinister allies of Satan will be taught to write and worship with their right hands.
Adults who refuse to change their ways will have their left hands surgically removed in hospitals in adjacent states that possess the requisite medical expertise for such a procedure.
“It’s high time we closed this loophole that has allowed evil to dwell among us,” said Governor Bryant, during a press conference attended by journalists and other residents of Mississippi that could write.
“Recently we’ve made great strides towards maintaining our Third World status by denying rights to women, minorities, and the LGBT community, but we can’t afford to let our guard down. We’ve got to stay on our toes and continue to act as a sea anchor for the rest of the nation if we’re going to make the Baby Jesus happy.”
Other bills included in the package of legislation include new initiatives to condemn atheists to death by hanging, forcing liberals into labor camps being built by Hobby Lobby where they will manufacture evangelical knick-knacks, a ban on the use of electricity and indoor plumbing, and a special scholarship fund for students wishing to major in exorcism and the burning of witches.
Perhaps the most creative new law is one changing the Mississippi state motto to “The Land That Time Forgot.”
Response to the sweeping package of legislation has been mixed. The leaders of other morally and fiscally bankrupt states run by dumb ass Tea Bagging governors and legislatures have expressed their support for the new laws.
However, politicians in the rest of the United States, which pumps five fucking dollars of federal money into the Confederate black hole for every dollar that comes out, have expressed disgust.
Senator Chuck Schumer of New York summed up the attitude of the enlightened when he said “I’m all for that hell hole seceding along with Texas, Kansas and any other state whose residents want to live like a bunch of serfs. To hell with them. I step on those cock-a-roaches.”
In a sign of the new gentler image she’s developed since losing the seat of Indi two years ago, Sophie Mirabella politely shoved sitting member Cathy McGowan out of the way at a recent event, rather than planting a right hook on her jaw.
“I’ve learnt a lot these past few years,” Mirabella said today. “I’m more relaxed, that’s for sure.
“If the fucktards in this electorate want to vote for some loser independent over me, well they’re absolute dickheads. But I’m not going to get all worked up over it,” she said.
The former Indi member said the event would have ended very differently if it had been held three years ago. “It would’ve ended with McGowan on the fucking carpet. That’s how it would’ve ended. But that was the old Sophie Mirabella. Now I know that a quick elbow in the stomach is a more collegiate response”.
Is there any antipathy greater than that we reserve for the banks? It’s true today as it has always been. And now, for normal punters, banks have become a law unto themselves. That’s why they’re backing a royal commission to the hilt.
Uncertainty about the exact date of the next mid-cycle Prime Ministerial knifing has been laid to rest, with the overthrow now locked in for September of next year.
It follows Malcolm Turnbull’s confirmation of this year’s election date of July 2nd.
ABC electoral analyst Antony Green said it was good to finally have some certainty. “There’s been so much speculation about when the next Prime Minister would be boned, but now we know the election date, we can work forwards logically from there”.
He said we would welcome our 30th Prime Minister on the 2nd of July, and our 31st Prime Minister in the first week of Spring 2017. “That will give the Prime Minister – whether it’s Malcolm Turnbull or Bill Shorten – a good 13-14 months to settle into the job, before everyone gets bored, loses their shit, and looks for a fresh start. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited”.
PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.
The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.
Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”
“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.
“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.
“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.
The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”
PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – “It’s just been so long since I’ve had any,” lamented Ted Cruz as he addressed a crowd of supporters at a campaign stop at Lucky Spa Massage with Happy Ending in Hershey last night.
Cruz was referring to the fact that he had not had sex with anyone but himself in many years.
“Heidi hasn’t had anything to do with my penis since we did our Christian duty and reproduced; all she wants to do is lock herself in the bathroom with that vibrator. I’m telling you, hearing the purr of a five horsepower Tecumseh engine when you’re horny as hell is pure torture!
“I’ve tried intern after intern and I can’t even get a blow job. I’m better looking than Bill Clinton aren’t I? I don’t see how he did it.
“I can’t even buy a lay. All the prostitutes I’ve tried say that I’m too dirty and smell bad, but I take a shower at least once a week like all Texans do. It’s just not fair!”
Cruz’s proposed legislation, dubbed the Abstinence Until Ted Get’s Himself Laid Act of 2016, would go into effect immediately and apply to every citizen of the United States, regardless of sexual preference.
“I don’t want to inconvenience anybody but I’m hoping this will force some bitch to step up to the plate and make a sacrifice for God and country,” said Cruz, as he gently massaged his testicles.
“I’m just sick and tired of banging all these goats, although I must admit they have lovely eyes and their horns provide excellent leverage,” said the deranged senator from Texas.
The bill calls for a complete ban on sex until Cruz enters the White House, when he can force women to have sex with him by executive order.
Congress is scheduled to take up the bill just after it votes on whether or not to launch Cruz into space along with spent fuel rods from our nation’s nuclear facilities.
The Prime Minister has announced a new high speed rail policy that will connect the country’s two largest cities once every three years, or more frequently when there’s a double dissolution.
Mr Turnbull, who discovered the policy in a folder marked ‘For Election Years Only’, said the new train would provide a quick link between the Government and innovation.
“This is the fastest, most convenient election policy we’ll see, until it’s next released in 2019,” he said. “I can jump on this policy at 9am in Sydney, and then get off it by lunchtime”. He said all the mocked-up map graphics and stock photos of bullet trains on a blurred background were ready to go.
But Opposition Leader Bill Shorten was scathing of the policy. “Malcolm Turnbull likes to talk about train platforms, but where’s his platform for jobs?” he said.
A look of frustration has replaced the Cheshire grin on Malcolm Turnbull’s face. As his priorities and principles are gradually squeezed out of him, the once decisive prime minister is beginning to look defeated.
The problem with the internet is that it’s really easy to be across a spectacular variety of things. This can be a little overwhelming. One of the things I’d been resisting getting across for the past few days was the Panama papers. Now I’ve caught up on my reading, and I’m going to try to very quickly explain, for those of you who haven’t caught up too, why they matter. In brief, this is an absolutely stunningly huge leak of documents from a single law firm, founded in Panama, called Mossack Fonseca.
A man who says government should be drastically cut back and its institutions sold off, has agreed to be paid a six-figure salary by the Government for the foreseeable future.
It follows his previous six-figure salary paid for by the government, at a government institution he said should be abolished.
“We have far too much dependence on the government. We simply cannot expect the taxpayer to pick up the bill for everything,” said the man whose job means the taxpayer will pick up the bill for everything.
The man is expected to stay in the role for many years until he leaves with a government-funded pension.
Like Pauline Hanson two decades ago and the European nationalists today, Donald Trump appeals to voters abandoned by globalisation and betrayed by politicians.
The further consolidation of the Australian media could help the industry overcome its financial woes, but the price will be high. Independence, diversity, and the jobs of many journalists are facing a grave risk, writes Ben Eltham. The Coalition government has announced a new set of media reforms. According to Communications Minister Mitch Fifield, theyMore
Source: Good For Moguls, Bad For Journalists: What The Coalition’s Media Reforms Will Do – New Matilda
LANSING – (CT&P) – The RNC has announced that it will be offering Governor Rick Snyder of Michigan as a human sacrifice to the Republican patron saint, the demon Balthazar, in a last-ditch effort to stop Donald Trump from getting the GOP nomination for president.
Chairman of the RNC Reince Pribus told Fox News that he hoped that Balthazar would intercede on the GOP’s behalf and convince Lucifer that Trump would destroy the party and the country as well if he were elected.
“The Republican Party has had a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Our Lord Satan, and we feel sure that the Prince of Darkness will hear our plea and send a swarm of locusts to eat Donald Trump alive or some such thing,” said Priebus, as he donned a black robe and removed a set of stilettos from a glass case.
“We realize that Mephistopheles almost always supports fascist candidates, and that’s one reason we’ve done so well in recent years. But we feel that Trump speaks a little too honestly about our goals and ideals and could wreck our long-term plans.”
The chairman said that a date for the ritual had not yet been set, but the method and location had already been determined.
“We plan on nailing Snyder to a cross in the town square in Flint and letting him hang there for a few hours before slowly lowering him into a vat of molten lead,” said Priebus.
“We plan on inviting the media and making it a family friendly event with hot dogs and ice cream for the kids. We’ve also made sure that there will be plenty of bottled water on hand so none of our supporters will have to drink that poisonous sludge all those poor folks have to drink on a daily basis,” Priebus chuckled.
Young people are the good news of 2016. They see the stressful realities of American life more clearly than their elders and are rallying around the straight talk of Bernie Sanders.
MIAMI – (CT&P) – After a poor performance in Saturday’s South Carolina Republican primary, Jeb Bush suspended his campaign and told supporters that he would be headed back to Florida to help manage a greyhound track close to his home in Coral Gables.
Jeb, known affectionately as “Fredo” within the Bush crime family, said that he was looking forward to managing the track and making money for his mom Barbara, who recently took over the reins of the criminal empire from her husband George.
“I can handle things… I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb! I’m smart… and I want respect!” said Jeb, as he trembled violently in front of a crowd of over 25 supporters. “I never really wanted to run for office. I just want a nice quiet job where I can count money and pet the doggies.”
“We had high hopes for Jeb ever since he was a little kid,” said the new Godmom Barbara, “but he just doesn’t have what it takes to be an international crime boss like his brother.”
Bush is expected to take over as manager of the Furry Friends Greyhound Track in Tamiami in early April after he returns from a brief “toughening up” trip out west under the supervision of Bush capo Richard “The Dick” Cheney.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.
The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.
“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”
Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.
According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.
“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”
According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.
So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.
“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”
A day after Philip Ruddock was announced as Australia’s Special Envoy for Human Rights, former Speaker Bronwyn Bishop has been confirmed in the post of Special Envoy for Austerity.
The role will focus on advancing the concepts of thrift and sound money management in international forums such as the United Nations.
Announcing the position yesterday, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said Mrs Bishop was the obvious choice for the role. “It’s hard to think of a candidate more adept, or more qualified for this position. As the world enters a more cautious growth period, Bronwyn’s natural flair for minimising costs and taking the more economical route will be highly sought after,” he said.
Mrs Bishop will regularly fly between Australia and the UN’s New York headquarters for the role. Australia’s healthcare budget has been scaled back to cater for the new travel expenses.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.
“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”
Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.
“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”
On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.
Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.
“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”
Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.
In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.
Mr. Cruz had nearly 28 percent of the vote, Mr. Trump 24 percent and Mr. Rubio 23 percent.
“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”
Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.
“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.
“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”
Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.
Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”
With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the man-child, or the Antichrist himself.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a brief, hastily called news conference outside Ames, Jesus of Nazareth expressed his extreme displeasure with Iowans who believe that Marco Rubio is the Second Coming of the popular religious figure.
“That man-child from Cretinville couldn’t manage a rest area on the interstate, much less a universe,” said an angry Prince of Peace. “He may have pulled the wool over the eyes of a bunch of ethanol-crazed hayseeds, but as we move on to other states, that kind of shit just won’t fly.”
Rubio, a part-time senator from Florida and candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, has been called many things in the course of his ascendance from state senator to potential loser to Hillary Clinton: youthful, energetic, a lawn sprinkler, “his party’s best hope,” and the “dud” from the old board game Mystery Date.
Time magazine even called him “The Republican Savior,” as Fox News’s Bret Baier reminded him during Thursday night’s G.O.P. debate, during part of a pointed question about his fall from polling grace. But make no mistake: the presumptive front-runner-in-waiting does not think he’s Jesus.
Rubio, who appeared at the debate with a cross strapped to his back and wearing a crown of thorns, said that he did not want to give the impression that he thinks he is a savior, lord, redeemer, or anything of the sort.
“It’s close, but I’m not the Lamb of God,” said the famously modest Rubio, as sweat poured from his forehead. “I’m just a normal guy with the ambition of a rabid honey badger and the intelligence of a bivalve. Believe you me, if I was Jesus, I’d turn this water I’m chugging into Gatorade,” chuckled the perpetually dehydrated charlatan.
Jesus has apparently not been too pleased with the comparisons and promised that Rubio would wish he had never been born by the time he was finished with him.
“I don’t know who he thinks he’s messing with, but he won’t be smiling when he finds himself standing next to Fred Phelps while getting a pineapple shoved up his ass every ten minutes,” said the visibly irritated King of Kings.
“As for the residents of Iowa, they better get their asses down to Ken Ham’s insane asylum down in Petersburg, Kentucky, and board that lifeboat he’s building to scam money from all those gullible religious kooks. I plan on kicking off the festivities with a tsunami that’ll make the one in Japan look like a kiddie pool. Then it’s gonna be fire and brimstone time. It’s not smart to screw around with the Son of Man.”
Billionaire financier Jeffrey Epstein, who went to prison for soliciting sex from underage girls, once had ties to Bill Clinton. But Trump has good reason to avoid bringing them up, no matter how contentious a campaign battle may get.
Source: The Salacious Ammo Even Donald Trump Won’t Use in a Fight Against Hillary Clinton | VICE News
NOT YOUR USUAL HORROR FILM
BANNED IN ALL OTHER WESTERN DEMOCRACIES
SEE: THE FACES OF MODERN FASCISM!
SEE: CANDIDATES WITH A TOTAL LACK OF EMPATHY!
SEE: THE VERY EMBODIMENT OF RIGHT WING BLOOD LUST!
SEE: THE LIVING DEAD TRY TO DRAG US BACK TO THE MIDDLE AGES!
SEE: BRAIN DAMAGED CANDIDATES TRY DESPERATELY TO MAKE SENSE!
SEE: RELIGIOUS KOOKS ATTEMPT TO QUENCH THEIR INSATIABLE THIRST FOR A THEOCRACY!
STARRING: THE PUTRID REMAINS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
Jeffrey Schlongstein of the Washington Post writes: “This is one movie you don’t dare miss. Our very way of life may depend on it.”
NOW SHOWING IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE
SOON TO COME TO A PODIUM NEAR YOU
RATED R FOR RACISM
ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.
The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.
“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.
“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.
When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.
“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”
One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.
“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”
When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”
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