Category: Humour

Humour, Uncategorized

PM Agrees To Give Nation Sick Day On Monday To Recover From Watching Abbott/Hanson Video

By on September 3, 2016

Hanson Abbott

Malcolm Turnbull has suggested all Australians spend a day resting up on Monday, to ensure that the nausea caused by seeing Tony Abbott and Pauline Hanson make awkward small talk has totally passed.

“I pressed play accidentally myself on Friday and I’m still making regular trips to the bathroom,” Mr Turnbull explained this morning. “Lucy spent most of the night hunched over the toilet bowl”.

Health experts have applauded the move, saying there were psychological impacts to consider too. “This was unexpected and quite gruesome. I particularly worry about any young children who have seen this video,” psychologist Tara Hubert said. “There may be delayed reactions – people can expect to feel quite unsettled for some time. The images could well linger in our minds for months”.

Donald Trump, Humour, Uncategorized

Trump Makes Surprising Bid For Mexico’s Electoral Votes

Posted in politics

trumpdumb

 

MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate and village idiot Donald Trump is traveling to Mexico to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto Wednesday afternoon, shortly before the nominee is slated to give another incoherent speech on immigration in Phoenix.

The trip, which Mr. Trump announced late Tuesday and which was confirmed by the office of Mr. Peña Nieto, follows an invitation the Mexican president sent Friday to both Mr. Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, according to Mr. Peña Nieto’s office. The president’s office said the invitation “was well received by both campaign teams.”

Mr. Trump told Wolf Blitzer of CNN earlier today that it was important to make the trip because the election was going to be close and he needed to garner all the Electoral College votes he could.

mussolini

“I want the Mexican people to know that even though I intend to build a thousand mile 35 foot high impenetrable wall between our countries that deep down I’m a compassionate and reasonable guy and I’ll do my best to find jobs in Mexico for the 16 million men, women, and children I plan to uproot and ship back south,” said Trump, while making weird hand gestures with his minuscule digits.

“I’m confident that once I talk to President Nieto and hold a rally in Mexico City I can convince the population, which is made up almost entirely of criminals, to vote for me so I can grab those all important electoral votes,” said the giant bipedal turd.

GOP strategist and adviser to the Evan McMillan campaign Rick Wilson appeared on MSNBC shortly after Trump’s comments on CNN and told viewers that never in the history of the United States has the country been saddled with such a moronic candidate.

“The man is like a orange chimpanzee on crack,” said Wilson. “Not only is Trump a racist xenophobe who treats women as property, but he’s an imbecile of epic proportions.”

“The only people who would score lower on an IQ test might be his supporters. I’ve seen bovines that were more intelligent. Folks who support this pitiful excuse for a human being will be trying to wash off the stench for the rest of their lives.”

Mr. Trump is scheduled to meet with President Nieto sometime late this afternoon. The exact time and place of the meeting is being kept secret in order to keep gunfire and explosions to a minimum.

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Compromise Solution: Turnbull To Keep 18C, Bernardi To Keep Being A Knob

By on August 30, 2016

cory bernardi

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull says he has reached an in-principle agreement that would see Cory Bernardi drop his 18C private member’s bill, but still allow the South Australian senator to be a total knob on an ongoing basis. 

Mr Turnbull said that after a day of intense negotiation he was happy with the outcome. “I think this is a sensible concession. I get to look like a leader and Cory can keep being a bigot. It’s a win-win”.

Mr Bernardi also said he was comfortable with the arrangement. “18C has significantly restricted my ability to be a dick, so I welcome this relaxing of the law,” Bernardi said. He used the opportunity to remind reporters that he was the only Australian thinking about the fact that allowing gay marriage would lead to sex with animals.

Humour, Uncategorized

Right wing Perspectives of life
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David Pope

Cartoons from The Canberra Times editorial artist.

Source: David Pope

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Humour … Australian Politics

Gallery of opinion illustrations and cartoons by Sydney Morning Herald artist, John Shakespeare.

Source: Illustrations and cartoons by John Shakespeare

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Ron Tandberg

Some of his best work.

Source: Ron Tandberg

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A piece of string, a banana, and a cassowary walk into Scott Morrison’s bar | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

First Dog on the Moon

In Scott’s bar and grill, we serve everyone except pieces of string and poor people, or as we call them now, the “taxed-not”

Source: A piece of string, a banana, and a cassowary walk into Scott Morrison’s bar | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

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Large Group Of Australians Entirely Dependent On Government Handouts, Morrison Warns

By on August 25, 2016

iberal party government handouts

Treasurer Scott Morrison used a speech today to warn of a growing culture of dependence on Government handouts in some pockets of the country.

Mr Morrison – who worked at Tourism Australia before becoming an MP – said many Australians had grown up not knowing what it was like to live without Government assistance.

“Their transport, their holidays, the sporting events they attend, even the charity events they participate in, are so often funded by the Government.

“It’s a vicious cycle, sometimes stretching back generations,” Mr Morrison said.

Humour, Uncategorized

Barnaby Joyce Volunteers To ‘Look After’ Pistol & Boo, Following Depp, Heard Divorce

By on August 19, 2016

pistol and boo

The Deputy Prime Minister has put his hand up to help out in whatever way he can, after celebrity couple Johnny Depp and Amber Heard confirmed their divorce this week.

“They’ll have a lot on their minds, a lot of things to work through. All I’m saying is I can take care of the dogs,” Joyce said.

Asked if he was considering helping out on alternate weeks or just once in a while, Joyce said his solution was ‘permanent’.

He said history had shown that dependents often have a hard time when parents get divorced. “Johnny and Amber aren’t in the right state of mind to look after Pistol and Boo at the moment. I’m not looking to put Johnny or Amber down. Just the dogs”.

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John Oliver Proposes an Idea to Save “Racist Voodoo Doll” Donald Trump from Further Humiliation | Mother Jones

“You would not be a loser—you would be a legend.”

Source: John Oliver Proposes an Idea to Save “Racist Voodoo Doll” Donald Trump from Further Humiliation | Mother Jones

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John Oliver Gives Trump Opportunity To Drop Out Of Race | Crooks and Liars

It’s an offer he might not want to refuse.

Source: John Oliver Gives Trump Opportunity To Drop Out Of Race | Crooks and Liars

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The Day Before 9-11 George Carlin Recorded a Comedy Special, It Never Aired — Until Now

Recorded the day before 9-11, Carlin decided to shelve the album. Now you can hear why he decided to hold off on his skit cheering on mass death.

Source: The Day Before 9-11 George Carlin Recorded a Comedy Special, It Never Aired — Until Now

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Michael Moore: The Inside Story of Why Trump Is Self-Sabotaging His Campaign

Respected documentarian Michael Moore just wrote a stunning article claiming that Donald Trump is intentionally sabotaging his presidential campaign.

Source: Michael Moore: The Inside Story of Why Trump Is Self-Sabotaging His Campaign

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“We Can No Longer Turn A Blind Eye To The Abuse That I Am Experiencing”: Dutton

By on August 18, 2016

peter dutton defamed

Saying he would ‘not be defamed’, Immigration Minister Peter Dutton this morning told the ABC that it is time for Australians to face up to the serious and ongoing harm that sections of the media are doing to his reputation.

Mr Dutton held up a copy of the 2,000-page ‘Nauru Files’, saying it provided unequivocal proof that he was being systematically abused.

“Page after page of allegations that, frankly, are being used to deride me. We simply cannot risk further harm, or further suffering, which is why it is time to shut down these conversations immediately,” Mr Dutton said.

Mr Dutton said that under proposed changes, journalists would only be able to comment on his performance after being approved for an $8,000 permit.

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Whitesplaining whitesplained by First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

First Dog on the Moon

Tonight, at the Bitter Frightened Angry Old White Man Show, Aboriginal Australians and whose fault it is, with News Corp columnists and a senator

Source: Whitesplaining whitesplained by First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

Humour, Uncategorized

Nauru Files To Be Taken To Nauru For ‘Processing’

By on August 16, 2016

peter dutton nauru

2,000 leaked incident reports from the Nauru immigration detention centre have been shipped to Nauru by the Australian government, so they can be ‘investigated further’.

Minister for Border Security, Peter Dutton told journalists he could no longer discuss the files as they were now an ‘offshore matter’.

“We will examine these files thoroughly and fairly, and then provide an appropriate response which unfortunately we won’t be able to tell you about,” Mr Dutton said.

“Given these files are now on Nauru it would be inappropriate for me to comment on them. But rest assured that they will be treated with the upmost respect”.

He said the timeframe for reviewing the files was now ‘indefinite’.

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Did you see the Border Force story on last night’s news? | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

First Dog on the Moon

Source: Did you see the Border Force story on last night’s news? | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

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Humour, Uncategorized

Australia’s Population Now 48, ABS Confirms

By on August 10, 2016

Census form Australia

Australia has a population of just under 50 people, according to last night’s census figures. It represents a fall from the 22 million measured in the 2011 census.

The snapshot of the nation showed that almost one in five of all Australians now lives in a share-house in Coppin Street, in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond. The flatmates, who moved into the property last week, are still waiting for their internet to get connected.

The booming area is set to see further population growth in the future, with Thommo’s girlfriend expected to move in next week.

The ABS says the census is vital for future planning, and will allow the Government to build new schools, hospitals and other health facilities in that part of Coppin Street.

Other figures showed:

61% of Australians now work for the ABS

7% of Australians have the surname Turnbull

12% of Australians are current or former Australian Prime Ministers

0% of Australians have an internet connection

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After the Nauru leaks, Australia needs its own incident report | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

From the Nauru files: Nauru Regional Processing Centre Incident or Information Report. Names redacted

Source: After the Nauru leaks, Australia needs its own incident report | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

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Brenda the civil disobedience penguin stars in census night cage fight! | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

https://i.guim.co.uk/img/static/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/contributor/2014/11/19/1416408904773/First-Dog-on-the-Moon-L.png?w=300&q=55&auto=format&usm=12&fit=max&s=658ee1f9f6e2ec88cbee595e40701104

I’m here to talk about the census. I love the census! But the Australian Bureau of Statistics have trashed it with their hubris and overreach

Source: Brenda the civil disobedience penguin stars in census night cage fight! | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

Humour, Uncategorized

Conservatives the world over

Humour, Uncategorized

Florida Governor Rick Scott Pledges To Personally Eradicate Zika Mosquitoes

Posted in politics

 

rickscott777

 

TALLAHASSEE –  (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.

Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.

snake33334

In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.

However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.

“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”

So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.

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[Video] George Carlin on Political Correctness AnonHQ

      This Article (George Carlin on Political Correctness) is a free and open source. You have permission to republish this article under a Creative Commons license with attribution to the author and AnonHQ.com.

Source: [Video] George Carlin on Political Correctness AnonHQ

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American Media Looks To Australia For Tips On How Best To Cover Hillary Clinton’s Wardrobe Choices

By on July 31, 2016

clinton wardrobe

Admitting they were heading into unchartered territory, US media outlets have reached out to their Australian counterparts for guidance on how to properly report on a female head of government.

An editor from The New York Post said he assumed that it was best to focus on jacket choices first, before commenting on hair style, but he wanted to be sure. “It may be best to approach it from another angle – hair first, jacket second.

“It’s important to get this right – it’s the potential leader of our country we’re talking about. I’m looking forward to learning from the Australian experience”.

A spokesperson for the Australian media said balance was essential when it came to politics. “I think if you’re going to have an opinion piece analysing a leader’s skirts, that’s fine. But make sure you provide an alternative view on her suit pant choices too. That’s the advice I’ll be passing on”.

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Unity

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detention cartoon gif

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Turnbull “Appalled”, Scullion “Not Piqued”, While Mirabella Fails To Grasp Simple Concept! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

The Prime Minister was shocked after viewing the footage on “Four Corners” last night. Shocked. And appalled. Footage showing young offenders being tear-gassed, stripped, beaten and generally given the sort of treatment that qualifies as torture if we were so silly as to use the UN definition of torture. Whatever, given that he announced his…

Source: Turnbull “Appalled”, Scullion “Not Piqued”, While Mirabella Fails To Grasp Simple Concept! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Humour, Uncategorized

Obama Pledges To Destroy Country At Least Five More Times Before Leaving Office

Posted in politics

hellscape

 

CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA – (CT&P) – While campaigning for Hillary Clinton in Forlorn Hope, West Virginia over the weekend, President Obama pledged that he would do his very best to destroy America at least five more times before he leaves office in January.

‘It has been by privilege as the first black man in the White House to destroy America as many  times as I possibly could in the last seven years, and I’m looking forward to finishing with a flourish,” said Obama.

“It’s hard for me to overstate just how much I hate this country and everything it stands for. Freedom, liberty, equal treatment under the law, I just hate that shit, and always have. I’m looking forward to seeking out the last standing buildings and institutions across America and laying waste to them like I have the vast majority of our once great country.”

obama444

Republican politicians and pundits have responded with outrage over the President’s comments, calling him a destructive maniac who just wants to destroy everything.

Representative and respected racist Steve King of Iowa told Fox News that if we don’t do something quick, every contribution to western civilization made by white folks will be erased in an orgy of destruction.

“We downtrodden white people have to once and for all stand up and be counted,” said King.

“America has been destroyed so many times by this man that it’s hard to find anything that has escaped being destroyed in all the destruction that surrounds us,” said King, who then stared off into space and started mumbling something about grapefruit.

White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest is expected to detail the President’s plans for the complete annihilation of America and our way of life during a press conference Monday morning.

Humour

Trump Becomes Disoriented During Speech, Thinks He’s In Fucking Mogadishu

Posted in politics

People escape from the direction of a huge fire-ball after an accidental explosion at a petrol storage facility within the former United States residential housing in capital Mogadishu September 3, 2013. REUTERS/Feisal Omar (SOMALIA - Tags: DISASTER ENERGY)

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – While giving his acceptance speech as the GOP nominee Thursday night Donald Trump became confused and disoriented and thought he was running for president of Somalia.

 

somalia1

During the 76 minute long horror fest, Trump described a dystopian hellscape that few people outside the arena recognized. The description of the country in which we live was so bleak and disturbing that many of the older delegates in the arena chose suicide rather than return to their districts.

 

Yelling like a warlord on khat, Trump told his audience of insecure, terrified white people that we are awash in a sea of random violence with illegal immigrants, terrorists, brown folks, black folks, yellow folks, red folks, Hillary Clinton, and Satan himself all posing an existential threat to the country.

mussolini

 

Only the day after the speech was it revealed that the fluorescent rodent of a man had suffered a mild stroke on Wednesday night while watching Blackhawk Down so he could get in the mood for his big appearance.

 

“He still thinks he’s surrounded by black militants trying to kill us all,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “The guy was never too bright to begin with. God knows how much damage was done to his small brain. This is gonna be a long three months, I can tell you that.”

Humour

Evangelicals Ditch Jesus, Place Faith In Trump

Posted in politics, religion

jesus55

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – White evangelical voters overwhelmingly back Donald Trump for president, according to a new poll released last Wednesday.

Trump, the presumptive GOP presidential nominee, has 78 percent support among registered voters who identify as white evangelical Protestants, while Hillary Clinton, widely considered to be the Antichrist, has 17 percent, a Pew Research Center Survey found.

Fifty-five percent said they “strongly support” Trump, while twenty-three percent said they were wavering between him and Jesus Christ, the presumptive Son of God.

“It’s a tough call,” said Grover McCluck of Forlorn Hope, West Virginia. “I’ve always supported Jesus, but look at how many Messicans and Mooselims he’s allowed to come into our country. I tell ya’ I’m more than a little disappointed with this whole ‘love thy neighbor’ crap. It costing us too many jobs.

jesus5555

“Hell, I lost my job at the coal mine ’cause of all them Hispanic kids pouring across the border,” said McCluck, as he coughed up small bits of lung.

The Reverend Franklin Graham, evangelist and hypocritical turd, told CNN that he didn’t find the shift from Jesus to Donald surprising at all.

“Look, we uber Christians talk a good game, but when it comes down to it, our main goal is to amass as much wealth as possible. After all, we’re not idiots. We’re not going to let a bunch of hooey from the New Testament get in the way of our lifestyle, now are we?”

When asked if evangelicals would not be considered hypocrites for supporting such a hideous human being for president, Graham just laughed and said, “You really are naive, aren’t you?”

“We think that Trump’s fascist plans for deportation, tax breaks for the rich, and alienation of every minority in the United States will allow us white folks to be in power for decades to come, and that bodes well for our pocketbooks. In short, money talks and bullshit walks!”

The same poll showed surprisingly little support among black evangelicals.

“We’re not so easily fooled by idiots making ridiculous promises,” explained Cornell Brooks, president of the NAACP.

“We’ve been dealing with that bullshit for over 200 years.”

Humour

Graham Under Investigation For Stealing Gold Fillings From Deceased Parishioners

Posted in religion

franklin-graham

 

RALEIGH – (CT&P) – The North Carolina Bureau of Investigation has confirmed that a probe has been initiated into the activities of the Reverend Franklin Graham concerning accusations of theft from families of deceased members of his church.

Lieutenant R.J. Scrotum of the NCBI told reporters this morning that Graham has been accused of stealing several Rolex watches, two diamond brooches, one Congressional Medal of Honor, numerous expensive wedding rings, and most shocking of all, hundreds of gold fillings from the corpses of members of his flock.

“We have received credible information that leads us to believe that Mr. Graham on more than one occasion waited until people left the funerals he was officiating then broke open the coffins and robbed the corpses. We believe that this activity has been going on for years, and we ask any members of Graham’s church who have suspicions to please come forward and meet with us.”

When asked how the NCBI became aware of the alleged thefts, Officer Scrotum said that a family member became suspicious when he inadvertently picked up Graham’s coat at a get together after his aunt’s funeral and discovered garden shears and pliers in the pockets.

“I said wait just one fucking minute, what does this guy need with those?” said Cletis Toadskinner of Hemorrhagic Springs, South Carolina. “Then I remembered him hanging around and being the last to leave the graveside. So I had Aunt Elba dug up and sure enough, she was missing her ring finger and four of her teeth were gone. It was devastating.

“I remember thinking what a hypocritical asshole that dude was when I saw him on television, but I had no idea he was that creepy, I mean Jesus Christ!”

Graham was arrested this morning in Asheville but he was later released on a $1 million bond.

As Graham was leaving the courthouse today an aide said the charges against him were ridiculous and called the bond a “drop in the bucket compared to what we rake in each week from all those ignorant hicks.”

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US One Step Closer To Electing First Child President

By on July 20, 2016

trump convention

In another historic milestone, the US Republican Party have nominated Donald Trump as their Presidential candidate, putting the 70 year-old little boy just one step away from the nation’s highest office.

If elected, Donald would become the first toddler to hold the role, bettering George W Bush, who had completed junior school when he took office.

On accepting the nomination, Donald said he wanted to make America great again, and build lots of big walls, and keep all the meanies out, and make lots and lots of money, and yeah! He said he had all the best planes and toys and helicopters and that Hillary Clinton was a dummy, and that he had lots of money, so there.

Republican supporter Jake Ramfield said he was impressed. “He’s such a talented and confident little boy. Isn’t it wonderful to think that he could soon have the nuclear codes”.

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Trump Delegate Misses First Night At Convention

Posted in politics

redneckswithguns44

 

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Trump delegate Billy Bob McSneed from Deer Tick, Tennessee missed the entire first night of the GOP convention after going on a two-day bender after he arrived in Cleveland early Saturday morning.

McSneed, a part-time slaughterhouse janitor and respected meth cook in Hemophilia County in the Appalachian foothills, told the leader of the Tennessee delegation that he became overly excited because it was the first time he had been out-of-state since 1994, when he was fleeing police on crack cocaine charge.

“Listen, Saturday was the first time I ever rode on a flying machine and it really pumped me up,” said McSneed when interviewed by a local television station. “I just felt like lettin’ my hair down a little bit and me and some gals I met in the alley behind the motel just had us a little party, that’s all. I’m all in for Trump. He’s my man!”

According to WKYC in Cleveland McSneed has agreed to pay for damage done to his room and an elevator during the “party” and will be allowed to stay the rest of the week provided he is supervised by other members of the Tennessee delegation.

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Pauline Hanson Calls For New System To More Easily Identify Muslims

By on July 19, 2016

pauline hanson q&a

Saying it was becoming too easy for some people to hide their Muslim identity, One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson has called for the implementation of an identification badge or symbol to be worn by Muslims in Australia.

The plea comes after Ms Hanson’s appearance on Q&A, where she realised she had been tricked into thinking Labor Senator Sam Dastyari was not Muslim.

The firebrand politician said there are a number of ways the identification system could work. “Maybe it’s a badge. Maybe it’s a small piece of cloth that they pin on their shirt. It doesn’t have to be complicated. We just need to know where they are”.

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Sonia Kruger Calls For Wall Between Australia and Mexico

By on July 18, 2016

sonia kruger

Following her appeal this morning for Muslim immigration to be banned, television personality Sonia Kruger has called for a wall to be built on the Australia-Mexico border.

The former Dancing With The Stars host said it was the only way to stop an unending flow of illegal Mexicans into the country.

She said she would make Mexico cover the cost of building the wall and would work closely with US President Donald Trump – who is facing a similar problem on the US-Mexico border.

She provided assurances that some of her best friends are Mexican.

Humour, Uncategorized

Gingrich Proposes Really Tough Questionnaire To Root Out Terrorists

Posted in politics

Newt-Gingrich

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former Speaker of the House, former possible running mate for lunatic Donald Trump and former sane person Newt Gingrich has come up with a sure-fire plan to root out terrorists living in or trying to enter the United States.

A simple questionnaire, which quizzes suspect individuals about sharia law and how they feel about it would be an invaluable tool in keeping America safe, said Gingrich during a telephone interview last night with Fox News’ colon rodent Sean Hannity.

“Let me start where I am coming from and let me be as blunt and direct as I can be — western civilization is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,” Gingrich said.

“Sharia is incompatible with western civilization. Modern Muslims who have given up Sharia — glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door. But we need to be fairly relentless about who our enemies are.”

Gingrich reiterated his support for the questionnaire this morning at a press conference outside his home in Atlanta.

“Once we implement this strategy and get rid of all the terrorists, we can then use a similar questionnaire to deport black people or anyone else who shows sympathy for the Democratic Party,” said Gingrich, as he scanned the crowd for possible new wives.

So far there has been no comment from law enforcement or the Obama Administration on whether or not Gingrich’s brilliant plan will be adopted.

 

Humour, Uncategorized

Advisers Scramble To Show Trump Where Turkey Is Located
Posted in politics

trumpdumb

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Advisers and aides to Donald Trump had to scramble this afternoon to locate maps and a globe so they could show him just where the fuck Turkey was.

“We showed him two or three times and then tested him by showing him a map without the names of the countries on it,” said an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “After about a dozen attempts he finally figured it out.”

Trump, not known for his knowledge of anything, is particularly ignorant when it comes to foreign policy.

“He is completely inept when comes to geography,” said the aide. “Ask him to point out Australia and he may point to Antarctica or even Corsica. He’s a real fuckwit.”

After briefing the GOP nominee on where Turkey was located and the difference between Asia and Europe, his staff then wrote out a detailed response to the coup that he could send out on Twitter.

No one on Trump’s staff believed he had any idea what the statement meant.

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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Every Picture Tells a Story

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“I’ll Tell You When I’m Being Sexist,” Steve Price Informs Women

By on July 12, 2016

steve price QandA

Reminding women not to talk over him when he’s interrupting them, radio broadcaster Steve Price today made it clear that he will be the one who decides when he’s being degrading towards women or not.

Mr Price said it was time for women to calm down and let him handle the situation. “I am very close friends with several people who know women. So please just be quiet and wait for me to let you know if what I’ve said is offensive,” Mr Price is believed to have said.

“There’s a time and a place for you to speak up about these things. And I’ll be more than happy to tell you when that time and place is. Until then, please, don’t lecture me about this. There’s nothing you need to worry about. I’ve got this under control”.

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Trump Delegate Looks Forward To Finding A ‘Real Man’ At GOP Convention

Posted in politics

redneck_bride

 

BATON ROUGE – (CT&P) – Tanya “Hep C” McGhee, a Trump delegate from Syphilis Springs, Louisiana told CNN last week that she hopes to “land a real man” when she travels to Cleveland in less than two weeks.

“There just ain’t too many guys to choose from down here. All the good ones is taken and the few that are left just want to take advantage of me for my body,” said McGhee, as she wiped tobacco juice from her chin.

When asked why she supported Trump, she said that he really told it like it was and would help run off “all them slant-eyed devils” coming in from southeast Asia and stealing all the good jobs at all the hair salons and “toenail trimmers.”

“Trump is gonna make America great again like it was before we let all them black folks and foreigners come in and take over,” said McGhee. “Obama has done destroyed this country and it’s gonna take a straight talkin’ businessman like Trump to rebuild ‘Murica.”

McGhee said that while she was in Cleveland she’d be staying at the Motel 6 out by the airport and that any ‘real man’ interested in a loving, long-term relationship should make plans to drop by.

McGhee said that she’s optimistic that out of all the neo-Nazis and white nationalists that are planning to attend, there’d be at least one who would make a good husband and dad to her seven young kids.

“There’s got to be at least one guy out there that’ll appreciate a hard-workin’, fun-lovin’, gal like me,” said McGhee.

McGhee said that whoever comes by her room better damn sure bring his own Budweiser because she’s “had it up to here” with freeloaders.

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John Howard Says His Decision To Get Spray Tan Was Based On Best Information Available At The Time

By on July 7, 2016

John Howard spray tan

Former Prime Minister John Howard addressed the media today telling reporters he does not regret his decision to paint his face orange.

Mr Howard said he disagreed with the assertion that he had lied about tanning his 76 year-old face. “There was no lie. There were errors in intelligence but there was no lie,” he said.

“Were there mistakes in the way I applied the tan? Probably. Should I have thought more carefully about instinctively following the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee’s choice in face-colour? Perhaps. But that’s all very easy to say in hindsight. It was the right thing to do at the time”.

Mr Howard said while he respected people’s varying views, he stood behind his decision. “Of course I defend it. I don’t retreat from it. I don’t believe, based on the information available to me, that it was the wrong decision. I really don’t.”

In unrelated news, Mr Howard admitted his decision to invade Iraq wasn’t based on any intelligence at all.

Humour

Fears Rudd’s Concession Speech May Not Be Over In Time For Shorten To Begin His

By on July 9, 2016

rudd concession speech

Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s concession speech, which began after his 2013 election loss and was still ongoing at the time of publication, may not be finished before Bill Shorten takes to the stage to concede defeat in the 2016 election.

“The good people of Griffith, the good people of Brisbane, the good people of Queensland, the good people of Australia. To you I say this: I have been honoured to serve as your local member, as a Broncos supporter, and as your Prime Minister. But the time for me to serve you, to serve all of you, is now coming to an end,” Mr Rudd could be heard saying this morning as his speech entered its 33rd month.

Staffers for Mr Shorten said they had given Mr Rudd the wind-up last month and had been given assurances that his speech would be finished by last week. But that timeline is now looking shaky. “He hasn’t even got to thanking his family yet, and there are rumours that he’ll do the whole speech in Mandarin once he’s finished in English. So there’s a real risk of a clash here,” one Shorten staffer said.

Humour

Americans Looking Forward To Showing Australians, Brits What Real Chaos Looks Like

By on July 8, 2016

trump is crazy

Describing the instability in Australia and Britain as ‘cute’ and ‘a good effort’, Americans say they are looking forward to their turn, when they’ll have the chance to tear their country apart properly.

“It’s been really great to see the little things you guys have been doing to inject a bit of unpredictability into your system. You guys are crazy! Now stand back and watch while we totally destroy the fabric of our nation,” one excited American said.

To Australia, one American said, “The little arguments your political parties have amongst themselves are adorable. But I’d like to see you guys step it up a little a find someone who can properly split a party in half”.

He said that Britain could learn from the US experience too. “You guys left the EU. Great start. We’re about to leave reality”.

Humour

Clarke and Dawe: The government you ordered has been delayed. Should be here Tuesday – Clarke and Dawe – ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Barnaby Joyce, quite possibly deputy prime minister.

Source: Clarke and Dawe: The government you ordered has been delayed. Should be here Tuesday – Clarke and Dawe – ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

Humour

I love the smell of recriminations in the morning … | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

First Dog on the Moon

The prime minister has finally recovered from his nation building tantrum on Sunday morning when he blamed his loss on the Mediscare campaign

Source: I love the smell of recriminations in the morning … | First Dog on the Moon | Opinion | The Guardian

Humour

Turnbull Confident Of Retaining Keys To Lodge (Or As He Likes To Call It ‘My 28th Home’)

By on July 6, 2016

malcolm turnbull 28 homes

Malcolm Turnbull says he is confident his party has the numbers to form a majority government, but is not concerned about whether he’ll retain the keys to the Lodge or not, given he has a property manager to look after that sort of thing.

“Look, for me it’s never been about retaining the keys to ‘property 28’. As I’ve explained before, my property manager has responsibility for that. He keeps them in an orderly filing system of some description, on hand whenever he needs to run a property inspection for a tenant or the like,” Mr Turnbull said today.

“What’s important, or at least what he tells me is important, is to get a second set cut for every property, should the first set be misplaced, or a burglary occur. It’s a very straightforward system really, so I’m not sure why people ask me about it all the time”.

Mr Turnbull said he and Lucy had enjoyed their time at ‘property 28’ and look forward to totally re-decorating again for the coming term of government.

Brexit, Humour

Epic Rant Directs Anger over Brexit at the F!*£ING TORIES

4 minutes | Reporter Pie is dismayed at the Remain’s reaction to Brexit!

Source: Epic Rant Directs Anger over Brexit at the F!*£ING TORIES