MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Mexican authorities are reporting that drug lord and escape artist extraordinaire “El Chapo” has turned himself in to police in order to move to the United States in time for a run for the GOP nomination.

President Enrique Pena Nieto announced the news via Twitter on Friday, six months after the kingpin brazenly broke out of a high security prison through a tunnel.

Guzman, the head of the infamous Sinaloa Cartel who Pena Nieto first caught in 2014, was taken into custody in the drug baron’s native state of Sinaloa, a government security source said.

“Mission accomplished: We have him,” Pena Nieto said on his Twitter account. “I want to inform all Mexicans that Joaquin Guzman Loera will soon be leaving Mexico and will become the Yankees’ problem.”

Once featured in the Forbes list of billionaires, Guzman is one of the world’s top crime bosses, whose Sinaloa Cartel has smuggled billions of dollars worth of cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines into the United States and fought vicious turf wars with other Mexican gangs.

Political pundits consider Guzman the only candidate who could match Donald Trump’s viciousness, bigotry, and deep pockets and give him a real run for his money for the GOP nomination.

“We really look forward to “El Chapo” joining the race,” said Reince Priebus, the once-powerful head of the RNC.

“Things were looking pretty grim for the GOP for a while, what with a bigoted casino owner and Satan incarnate the only serious contenders for the nomination. I think Guzman will provide a progressive alternative that establishment Republicans can rally around. The future is still bright for the party of Lincoln!”

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Armstrong Williams, Ben Carson’s “business manager,” friend, and likely the only person on his campaign staff by the end of the week, told CNN today that the former neurosurgeon was bringing in cadaver dogs to search for his once relevant campaign.

“Dr. Carson is puzzled over what’s happened to his front-runner status,” said Williams. “Ben feels, as do I, that it’s time to take drastic action and pull out all the stops to try to figure out what went wrong and regain momentum.”

The dogs are being recruited from a variety of law enforcement entities across the United States and specialize in detecting dumb ideas, archaic ideals, religious bullshit, and utter lunacy.

Williams said that with any luck the canines will be able to track down the campaign and restore its former luster.

“We think the campaign, and Dr. Carson’s reputation, may be hiding somewhere between Joseph’s Discount Grain Pyramid and a Popeye’s chicken organization somewhere in downtown Baltimore. Wherever it is, we’ll be sure to find it!”

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Congressional Budget Office released a statement this morning which warned that there would be grave economic consequences if Donald Trump gains the White House.

The report detailed the tremendous expense of building and maintaining the huge number of concentration camps necessary to house and slaughter the millions of Hispanics, Muslims, homosexuals, journalists, opposition politicians, and intellectuals that Trump has promised to silence were he elected.

“Sure, we would get some reward out of the forced labor that would be made available as these people slowly starve to death, but the costs far outweigh the benefits,” said Keith Hall, director of the CBO. “We did extensive computer modeling of the problem, and even if we reduced the food intake of the prisoners to around 600 calories per day, we would still be in the red. It’s expensive business killing all these folks.”

Donald Trump reacted to the report in a series of Tweets today calling the CBO’s analysis a “load of crap.”

“The CBO has no idea what it’s talking about,” said the presidential hopeful. “I’ll build the biggest, most beautiful concentration camps the world has ever seen. The Nazis ain’t got nothing on Trump. And, I’ll tell you something else, when I’m elected I’ll do away with the CBO and put its employees behind barbed wire where they belong.”

When opposing GOP candidates pointed out that Trump’s popularity would fall once he ran low on victims, Trump pointed out that there was an unlimited supply.

“Once we do away with all the Mexicans and Muslims, we can start working on the Catholics, Jews, and poor people,” said Trump. “There’s always another scapegoat waiting in the wings.”

SCAREDYCAT, IOWA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa this morning, Hillary Clinton unveiled her plans for a new federal program that would provide night lights for cowardly Americans who are terrified that they may become victims of Islamic terror.

The program would distribute night lights to families who could not otherwise afford them. It would also provide adult diapers to those who soil themselves at the mere mention of anything Islamic.

“I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night only to realize that there are strange people in weird outfits wandering around your bedroom,” said Clinton.

“I hope this program will boost the courage of the millions of Americans who seem to have the backbone of a jellyfish. After all, you’re more likely to be eaten alive by a horde of rabid rodents than be a victim of terrorists.”

The proposal was universally condemned by GOP candidates who said that it was just another liberal handout designed to make Americans dependent on government.

Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz called the proposal a typical Democrat move to try to turn night into day.

“We need to concentrate on turning black and brown into white instead,” said Cruz, as he stole candy from a small child.

Clinton promised that during her first month in office she would do everything she possibly could to bolster the self-esteem and courage of the pussies who seem to make up such a large part of the American electorate.

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.

“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.

“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.

Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.

“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.

“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”

Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and despicable asshole Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is vaulting into the Iowa caucus’ first tier of Republican candidates, a survey released Tuesday suggests.

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows despicable asshole Cruz taking 23 percent to pompous ass racist Donald Trump’s 25 percent among likely GOP caucus-goers. Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and dunce Ben Carson and man-child credit risk Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) stand at 18 percent and 13 percent respectively, with the field’s 10 other asshole candidates all polling at or below 5 percent.

Cruz’s support has risen 13 points since Quinnipiac’s survey of the race last month, mostly at the expense of Dr. Ben Carson, who has steadily lost support nationwide as he continues to make it abundantly clear that he has no idea what the fuck he is doing outside an operating theater.

Cruz, known to his congressional colleagues as “Turd” or “that giant asshole,” has gone full bore Nazi in order to pick up as many evangelical supporters as he can in Iowa and across the United States.

However, if he wins the GOP nomination, Cruz will have to do it without the support of his fellow GOP senators, who consider him to be the most despicable asshole who has ever entered politics.

“I consider Ted to be a dirty, filthy, despicable asshole,” said Senator John McCain, when asked about Cruz’s character.

“I wouldn’t piss on Ted Cruz if were on fire,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “He’s a putrid, festering, despicable asshole.”

Many members of the U.S. House of representatives feel the same way about Cruz.

In fact, former Speaker John Boehner once described Cruz as a “moldy, decomposing, rancid, unscrupulous, dishonest, despicable asshole.”

“The man is a walking hemorrhoid,” said Boehner.

Regardless of how his fellow politicians and most of the free world feels about Cruz, it is apparent that the Republican base in Iowa, which is heavily evangelical, thinks he just peachy.

Political pundits postulate that this is because they have been desensitized to despicable assholes after having been exposed to Representative Steve King (R-IA), a 24 karat asshole, for so many years.

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Surging poll numbers in Iowa and across the country have made it clear that enough Americans are so mentally deficient that Dr. Ben Carson actually has a chance to win the GOP nomination for president.

The change in fortune for Carson has his advisers and close confidants plenty worried.

Responding to a calamitous interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday in which Carson appeared to be brain-damaged, longtime friend and adviser Armstrong Williams said, “We’re used to Ben making batshit crazy remarks about pyramids and Noah’s Ark, that’s par for the course with him, but his total ignorance on matters of national security and foreign policy is downright frightening. There’s just no telling what he would do in the White House besides putting up a velvet portrait of Jesus.”

“Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East,” said Duane R. Clarridge, a former CIA agent and top adviser to Dr. Carson on terrorism and national security. He also said Mr. Carson needed weekly conference calls briefing him on foreign policy so “we can make him smart.”

“At this point I believe Dr. Carson poses a threat to the security of the United States,” continued Clarridge. “He’s possibly the dumbest son of a bitch to ever run for president.”

Advisers are particularly concerned with Carson’s habit of pushing buttons “to see what they do.”

A Carson campaign official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told Fox News that Carson could accidentally start World War III.

“The moron would more than likely just walk around the White House pushing buttons and whispering nonsense into the Hotline,” said the official.

“Most of us signed on to advise and assist Dr. Carson because we saw it as easy money. He has no idea how much he’s paying any of us anyway. But these polls are the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I had no idea there were so many idiots out there. It’s scary as hell.”

MALI – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson called a press conference this morning to address the ongoing hostage crisis at the Radisson Blu Hotel in Bamako, Mali.

The hotel is the site of an ongoing terrorist attack and hostage situation. Latest reports state that there could be dozens of hostages still being held in the hotel and its environs.

Dr. Carson told reporters that the best thing the captives could do would be to “charge the terrorists.”

“If I were there I would get everyone together and charge the gunmen,” whispered Carson. “They might get some of us but we would overwhelm them. If anyone in that hotel can hear me, CHARGE!!!”

When a reporter pointed out that it might be unwise to rush terrorists that were equipped with automatic weapons and suicide vests Dr. Carson seemed to lose his train of thought and began waving his arms and blinking rapidly as he responded.

“When ants encounter a preying mantis they don’t sit around and let themselves be eaten,” said a semi-conscious Carson. “The Bible says that locusts help free the Israelites. We need to learn to be more like locusts if we’re ever going to defeat the terrorists.”

A security and terrorism expert interviewed on CNN after Carson’s press conference said that as usual Carson has no idea what the fuck he’s saying.

“Anyone who takes advice from this dude on anything, much less terrorism, needs to have his head examined, and not by Dr. Carson,” chuckled the expert.