Cruz Decries Unauthorized Use Of Monkeys


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate Ted Cruz has vociferously protested the unauthorized use of his two little monkeys in a cartoon published in the Washington Post this week.

Cruz hammered the Post on Wednesday for publishing an online editorial cartoon depicting his spawn as dancing monkeys, telling a crowd in Tulsa that the attack “has no place in politics.”

“Not too much ticks me off, but using my two little monkeys without my permission, that’ll do it,” Cruz said in response to the cartoon, which has since been taken down.

“They’re my monkeys, and I get to decide when to use them,” said Cruz, as saliva dribbled from one side of his mouth.

“It’s perfectly OK if I use them as pawns in political ads to degrade an opposing candidate, depicting Hillary Clinton as the Grinch for example, but I’ll be damned if the Washington Post can use them to criticize me. It’s just not the Christian thing to do. After all, they’re just kids and have no idea what’s going on, and if they’re going to be taken advantage of, it should be by their power hungry Dad.”

As noted the Post took down the cartoon and has since apologized to Cruz.

Cruz told editorial page editor Fred Hiatt that next time he wanted to use the monkeys in a cartoon he could contact his campaign and an appropriate fee could be worked out.

Fellow senator and presidential candidate Marco Rubio told CNN that the real story here was not that Cruz or the Post had used the little monkeys for political gain, but that at some point in time Ted had actually found a female monkey willing to have sex with him.

“Must have been one desperate monkey,” said Rubio.