DALLAS – (CT&P) – A call to police about a giant creature lumbering through a party at a community pool thrust the affluent suburb of McKinney into the national spotlight on race, police relations, and paleobiology on Sunday.

Police Cpl. Eric Casebolt was placed on administrative leave after a video surfaced showing him pulling a 15-year-old girl to the ground and pinning her down outside a pool party Friday night in the expansive Craig Ranch subdivision. Seconds later, he pulled his gun and pointed it at two teens who appear to try to come to her aid.

The profanity-laced seven-minute video, posted to YouTube on Saturday, had been viewed more than 4 million times by Monday. It shows white police officers trying to control black teens who had scattered as officers arrived in the neighborhood.

Cops were originally called to the area when neighborhood watch members saw what they described as “a lumbering behemoth” moving among teens attending a Sunday afternoon party.

“The kids were terrified,” said Ralph Numbnuts, resident and community leader of Flat Earth Estates, where the incident took place. “We considered breaking out our RPG’s, flamethrowers, and automatic weapons, but we decided to leave it to the cops because we thought they might be able to stun the beast and take it alive. So we used our public address system to warn folks that the police were on their way so that everyone could put up their dogs and keep them out of danger.

“But to our amazement when the swine arrived on the scene they virtually ignored the enormous monster and instead went after every black kid in sight. It was like showing red to an angry bull!”

Numbnuts told reporters later that he had read a study on the internet that something in cops’ DNA caused them to lose all higher brain function when confronted with dogs or black people, and became murderous automatons incapable of human emotion.

“But I thought it was all bullshit,” said Numbnuts. “Now I know better.”

Eventually over ten police units were called to the scene in an attempt to violate the civil rights of every black teenager in the area, but even with that many cops around, the colossus was able to escape and his whereabouts are unknown.

Paleontologists have been able to identify the huge creature as a Megatherium, or giant ground sloth.

“It was a giant, fat-ass sloth the size of a fucking elephant that was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene,” said David Grimaldi of Cornell. “It’s flat-out amazing that one is now wandering around the suburbs of a major city. I just can’t believe it.”

McKinney Mayor Brian Loughmiller said that he expects city staff and police officials to quickly conduct an investigation into the officer’s actions.

“I am disturbed and concerned by the incident and actions depicted in the video,” Loughmiller said in a written statement. “Our expectation as a City Council is that our police department and other departments will act professionally and with appropriate restraint relative to the situation they are faced with. For these idiots to completely ignore a gigantic fat-ass monster and instead go after young people in bathing suits is really deplorable.”

McKinney Police Chief Greg Conley, who declined to say what specific behavior in the video led to the investigation, said Sunday that several officers were immediately placed on leave.

ALTAIR IV – (CT&P) – Minutes after hearing that Rick Perry had jumped in the race for the Republican nomination for president in 2016, Robby the Robot announced he was joining the race as well. At a press conference this morning held outside Dr. Morbius’ home on the “Forbidden Planet,” Robby told reporters that he was joining the approximately three dozen other Republicans in the race for the White House.

“If that moron Rick Perry can run, then so can a fucking robot,” said Robby. “I possess about 100 times the computing power of Rick Perry’s brain, and have a far deeper grasp of the complicated problems that the earth faces in the 21st century.”

This marks the first time Robby has delved into politics. In the past he’s been content to do menial chores around the cosmic outpost and occasionally fight off “monsters from the Id.”

“My experience battling unseen forces of evil from the depths of the human subconscious makes me uniquely suited to defend America from foreign threats. I plan to set up force fields along the Mexican border that will instantly vaporize any Central American kids that want to invade and steal all of our minimum wage jobs,” said Robby.

“Furthermore, I’m going to use my energy weapons to pulverize ISIS and turn Iran into a worthless pile of fused glass. After that, I’ll turn my attention to domestic issues and get on with the process of denying black people the vote and doing away with these silly attempts to provide poor people with affordable health care.

“I’m what America needs! A ruthlessly logical machine that is devoid of empathy and compassion. I hope you’ll consider voting for me. I’ll be available for questions when I arrive on earth in 2.5 light years. Thank you.”

Although Robby is little more than a right-wing pile of circuit breakers and transistors, Republican leaders have said that he stands as good a chance as any to seize the nomination.

“Considering our current lineup of fruitcakes, dunderheads, and religious kooks, anything could happen,” said RNC Chairman Reince “Beavis” Priebus.

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – A disoriented 50-year-old man wearing an AR-15 rifle around his neck entered Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport today and wandered around aimlessly looking in rubbish bins and behind newspaper stands, according to reports from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When approached by airport security personnel he reportedly said that he was “searching for his penis.”

The man, Jim Cooley, lives with his wife and daughter in an abandoned hunting shack located in a wooded area north of Atlanta. He regularly shows up in parks and public buildings around the city and asks passers-by if they have seen his penis and testicles.

Although originally from Chicago, Illinois, Cooley came down south in attempt to get away from people who ridiculed his paranoid fantasies about the federal government coming to take away his guns and sexual organs. Cooley is said to have settled in Georgia because of its borderline-insane firearms laws.

While many passengers were terrified at the gun-carrying man walking freely around the airport, Cooley was breaking no law because the State of Georgia actively encourages mentally unstable residents to arm themselves to the teeth and wander around aimlessly.

“He wasn’t hurting anyone and did not act threatening,” said Edward Dimbulb, a security guard at the airport. “We all kind of felt sorry for the old bastard. I mean it’s a hell of thing to have a dick so small that you can’t find it.”

Sergeant Robert Dogkiller of the Atlanta Police Department told the Journal-Constitution that although it was perfectly fine that Cooley was in the busiest airport in the fucking world with a loaded assault rifle, the APD had to remove Cooley when he stuck his hand down his pants and began weeping in front of a group of schoolchildren in route to North Korea to study civics.

“We southerners don’t want our kids exposed to anything that might lead them to believe that touching their own sexual organs is OK,” said Dogkiller. “If they need to examine something they can examine their Bibles.”

Cooley was removed without incident from the airport and transported to the edge of the woods where he lives. His dark red ’75 pickup was impounded but will be returned to him as soon as he coughs up the $5000 fine for parking in a handicapped zone.

MADISON, WISCONSIN – (CT&P) – Governor of Wisconsin and fascist presidential candidate Scott Walker was chatting recently with right-wing radio host and lunatic Dana Loesch about his efforts to set up regulatory hurdles to abortion access in his state when, in an attempt to garner support from the Christian right, he displayed the level of intelligence normally only found in brain-damaged goats.

During a rambling and often incoherent diatribe in which he called teachers “servants of Satan,” and unions “the root of all evil,” Walker offered a bizarre and troubling defense of a law he signed that would require a woman to undergo a medically unnecessary ultrasound before exercising her constitutionally protected right to an abortion:

“I’m pro-life,” raved Walker. “I’ve passed pro-life legislation. We defunded Planned Parenthood and used the money to pay the lawyers we hired to sue teacher’s unions. We signed a law that requires an ultrasound. Which, the thing about that, the media tried to make that sound like that was a crazy idea. I mean, the media actually thinks that we have no right to control women’s private parts! Have you ever heard such nonsense?”

“You know, most people I talked to, whether they’re pro-life or not, I find people all the time that pull out their iPhone and show me a picture of their grandkids’ ultrasound and how excited they are, so that’s a lovely thing. I think about my sons are 19 and 20, we still have their first ultrasounds, as well as their first bowel movements. It’s just a cool thing out there. In fact, I can’t go anywhere without thousands of people coming up to me with ultrasounds, chest x-rays, and MRI films of their Uncle Bob’s enlarged prostate.”

“I think we need to make sure that women fully appreciate that male politicians and a bunch of religious zealots are the ones who can best decide when they should reproduce and when they shouldn’t. It says so in the Bible, and the Bible is never wrong.”

“I think the next logical step is to sterilize women against their will if they don’t agree with our policy,” said Walker, as he fumbled with the two steel balls he always carries in his right hand. “If they won’t obey the Good Book, then we’re just going to have to make sure they can’t get pregnant. It’s the Christian thing to do.”

Loesch closed the interview by thanking Walker for his comments and praising his obsessive desire to control vaginas, ovaries, and uteri for the benefit of society as a whole.

Although Walker has been described as “legally insane” and “power mad” by several psychiatrists in the Madison area, he currently leads the Republican pack in the latest poll of likely Republican voters, which begs the question:

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince “Beavis” Priebus announced this morning that all members of the Republican Party, both living and dead, will be invited to run for President of the United States in the upcoming 2016 race.

“We’re desperately trying to find someone, anyone, who can defeat Hillary,” Priebus said during an appearance on Fox and Friends, a morning talk show co-hosted by three of the dumbest hominids to ever walk the earth.

“This was not an easy decision,” said Priebus, as the three dimwitted bipeds stared dully back at the monitor, “but you’ve all seen our current lineup of religious kooks, homophobes, and fear mongering dunderheads. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.”

“We had to do something drastic because the GOP has become synonymous with those who wish to deny health care to the poor, control women’s reproductive organs, deny equal rights to homosexuals, and crush the oppressed classes beneath the heels of their corporate jackboots.”

“So we’re suspending the usual requirements and opening up the race to any member of the Republican Party who has any type of higher brain function. Granted, that counts a lot of us out, but I still think we could have a million or so party members competing for the nomination.”

Priebus told the nitwits on Fox that the logistics of getting all one million candidates into the same building for a debate would have to be ironed out later.

CLEVELAND – (CT&P) – Alarmed over public outrage after a series of incidents in which innocent civilians and their canines have been brutally murdered by crazed cops, leaders of the National Fraternal Order of Police have announced that they are bringing in speakers from civilized countries in western Europe to lead seminars at next fall’s FOP convention in Miami.

The seminars will outline basic policing techniques used in countries where police officers do not routinely shoot dogs for no apparent reason, fill 92-year-old grandmothers with lead when they raid the wrong house looking for a joint, shoot fleeing unarmed black men in the back multiple times, or leap atop automobiles and fire 137 rounds into a couple on their way to get supper at McDonald’s.

“We need to work on our image a little bit,” said Buford “Civil Rights Violation” Matthews, current president of the FOP. “We thought that if we bring these guys in from countries where they don’t just out-and-out murder unarmed suspects, we could play that up and act like we actually give a shit about the people we’re hired to ‘protect and serve.’”

Matthews told Fox News host Sean Hannity that although no officer has ever done anything wrong in the history of law enforcement, public image is what counts, and right now the general public for some insane reason just does not have the confidence it once had in its local police forces.

Hannity agreed, but expressed concern over the FOP bringing in Marxist revolutionaries from communist countries such as Great Britain, Denmark, and Belgium.

“Can we really trust countries that provide health care to poor people?” asked Hannity.

Matthews soothed Hannity’s fears by telling him no one would take the speakers seriously, and popular seminars such as “How To Properly Lead A Fleeing Unarmed Suspect With A Glock,” and “Where Do I Aim To Safely Dispatch A Standard Poodle?” and “How To Properly Insert A Broomstick Into A Suspect’s Anus” would not be discontinued.

“Don’t worry Sean, we have no intention of changing our modus operandi,” said Matthews. “After all, we have to take our sexual frustration out on someone. In today’s modern society with the threat of ISIS showing up in overwhelming numbers all over the United States, it’s just not enough to go home and beat our wives all the time. We have to express our insecurity problems somehow, and once the right-wing gets around to outlawing the filming of cops on duty, well then, we can really get back to using some time-tested methods of brutality!”

HELENA, MONTANA – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop at a nuclear weapons supply depot in northern Montana earlier today, presidential candidate Mike Huckabee temporarily lost his mind.

While being interviewed by Mike Wallace on Fox News Sunday, Huckabee seemed to drift off into his own world and began advocating a return to the “divine right of kings” exercised by monarchs during the Middle Ages.

BAGHDAD – (CT&P) – Islamic State Supreme Leader and insane asshole Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told CNN today that the ISIS leadership was “absolutely delighted” with their recent real estate acquisitions and couldn’t wait to get down to some serious looting, pillaging, and wholesale destruction of priceless artifacts.

“We are really happy with our recent purchases in Ramadi and Palmyra,” said al-Baghdadi, who sported a stylish infidel dried ear necklace for the interview. “I just can’t wait to see what our architects and interior designers are going to do with our new properties.”

Omar Abdul-Fattah al-Sphincter, Islamic State Head of Housing and Urban Development, who was also interviewed, said “We’re going to do great things with Palmyra. We just can’t wait to level all those blasphemous infidel ruins and put up tents and shacks to house our troops, and Ramadi, with its world-famous goat brothels, well that was a real bargain!”

Baghdadi told Wolf Blitzer that his troops were really looking forward to some down time after the intense 15 minute battle required to run off Iraqi and Syrian regular army forces, which outnumbered the jihadis ten-to-one.

“My boys have barely had time recently to rape and kill innocent women and children because they’ve been so busy with beheading, throwing homosexuals off buildings, and roasting people alive,” said Baghdadi. “I know they’re really looking forward to fucking some of those sexy goats in Ramadi and relieving some stress by destroying the priceless ancient ruins over in Palmyra.”

Almost every decent person on the planet has been shocked and disgusted by the actions of the Islamic State, and are clamoring for their governments to stop the wholesale destruction and slaughter. However, despite the fact they possess enough firepower to destroy the earth ten times over, Coalition partners and Arab states around the region have not come up with any coherent plan to stop the religious fanatics.