Mass exoduses of people – refugees, asylum seekers, and migrant workers – are taking place all over the planet, causing tensions and tempers to rise. But are these really the kinds of immigrants we should be worrying about?
And how do border-crossing corporations and global treaties like TPP, TTIP and TISA fit into the picture? Join Robert Foster as he sets out to shift our perspective and broaden our understanding of this epoch-defining phase of the great human journey.
Labor delegates will meet in Melbourne this weekend, with the party divided on the best ways to alienate their supporter base.
“We’ll be debating a whole range of different ways to miscalculate public opinion,” a party spokesperson said, adding he was confident the strongest ideas would win out.
With the election likely to be just over a year away, the spokesperson said there was a renewed enthusiasm for irrelevance. “What Australians want is a strong, clear alternative. Which is nice, isn’t it?” he said.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – In his most shocking revelation to date, last night on the O’Reilly Factor David Daleiden provided video evidence that executives from Planned Parenthood are actively cooperating with a malevolent race of space aliens in order to clear the path for an eventual invasion of earth.
Daleiden told Bill O’Reilly that the conspiracy to hand over earth to an alien species had been hatched during the Nixon Administration and had been gaining momentum for decades.
“They’re extracting DNA from fetal tissue in order to create a race of mind-dead zombies to use as a food source here on earth,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand. “If we don’t move to defund Planned Parenthood and ban all abortions and birth control, we’re doomed.”
Although the video was jerky and appeared to be patched together from old episodes of the X-Files, 50’s era horror flicks, and home videos featuring Daleiden on some farm with a goat, O’Reilly seemed to swallow the story hook, line, and sinker.
“We can’t allow this to happen,” said O’Reilly. “We’ve got to warn ‘the folks.’ When you combine this outrage with rap music and women’s suffrage, it could mean the end of humanity!”
“It could very well be too late,” said Daleiden. “You can see the results of the aliens’ work just by looking across the political landscape. There are whole political parties that are no more than sheep. Take the Tea Party for instance; they’re little more than mindless automatons who can’t even spell. It’s sad.”
Although none of Daleiden’s videos have proved that Planned Parenthood has broken any laws or even done anything morally wrong, he promised a fawning O’Reilly that his next offering would be absolutely earth-shattering.
“I have incontrovertible evidence that Planned Parenthood is providing fetal tissue to a top-secret lab run by Dennis Rodman in North Korea,” said Daleiden. “They’re trying to produce a master race of NBA stars. It’s deplorable and could lead to the downfall of American sports as we know it.”
A night in Melissa Babbage’s Canberra home will rise from $271 to $850,000 today.
The price hike was necessary after Babbage’s husband – Treasurer Joe Hockey – was ordered to pay 85% of his own legal costs for his defamation case against media outlet Fairfax.
“Yes it’s a bit of an increase, but it’s not cheap running a hospitality business these days, so I think it’s fair enough,” Mr Hockey said today, adding, “It’s still great value at $850,000 a night”.
There were no TripAdvisor reviews available of the tax-payer funded hotel.
Prime Minister Tony Abbott has conceded that Australia’s flag may need to change if the Northern Territory becomes a state, and has put forward a suggestion for a new design which he says reflects modern Australia.
Speaking at the Council of Australian Governments meeting, where leaders unanimously agreed that the Territory should become a state, Mr Abbott said it was an opportunity to evolve the nation’s flag. “I’m not alone in being a little uncomfortable with having a large section of our flag taken up by an out-dated, largely irrelevant symbol. So this seems like a good time to consider removing the Southern Cross,” he said.
Mr Abbott said the cost for replacing the official flags used at Government press conferences would be minimal, “It’s a hundred dollars per flag, or around $1 billion in total”.
The PM said he would like to see the new flag in place in time for the 1956 Melbourne Olympics.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – During a campaign stop in Iowa last week, Wisconsin governor and presidential candidate Scott Walker promised a fawning crowd of over 3000 supporters that if elected, he would finally find time to get an education.
“I want to be known as an ‘educated president,’ not some dumbass who has no clue what the fuck he’s doing,” said Walker. “I’m sure that once I’m elected I’ll be able to find time to take some courses in remedial English, civics, and even a little history. Bob Jones University has even offered me a scholarship!
“It’s important for the president to be the leader of the entire country, not just a bunch of hicks that want to do away with the entire federal government. I’d like to be able to say that I can lead the enlightened as well as the idiotic.”
Walker, who has conducted an all-out war on higher education since becoming governor of Wisconsin, has been criticized for his lack of understanding of complex issues.
“Walker shows almost no grasp of any concept taught past the 8th grade,” said Wisconsin Education Association Council president Betsy Kippers. “He doesn’t know if he believes in evolution, he doesn’t know if homosexuality is a choice, and he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bastard barely knows his right from his left. He’s an idiot.”
Governor Walker stirred up controversy in February when he stupidly compared protesting teachers and their supporters with terrorists threatening to ‘blow up America.’ But lately he’s been trying to soften his image and appeal to Americans who actually graduated from high school.
“I want to do more than just bust up teacher’s unions, abolish abortion, and deny health care to the poor,” said Walker. “I want to learn how to play checkers, for example.”
When asked by reporters whether he would take any courses in science so he could tell the difference between weather and climate, photosynthesis and Photoshop, a blastocoel and a blast radius, and a zebra from a zygote, Walker replied, “Oh no, we Republicans are Christians and don’t practice the ‘black arts.’ We leave that to Satan and his minions.”
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll conducted just this morning has found that a majority of Americans now believe that Donald Trump is the most obnoxious asshole they have ever heard of. Trump edged out Bill O’Reilly, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, and Jim Inhofe to win top honors.
The lightning poll of 100 million adults asked participants to rate each individual in terms of obnoxiousness, pomposity, lack of empathy, stupidity, and blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance.
“The results were stunning,” said Michael Dimock, President of Pew Research. “65% of those polled rated Trump the ‘largest walking anus’ they had ever seen, with the former champ Bill O’Reilly dropping to a distant second place.”
When asked if they could describe Trump in one word, participants in the poll used adjectives like “vile,” “heinous,” “disgusting,” “loathsome,” “repugnant,” and “odious” to describe the Republican front-runner.
When asked why he thought there was such a shift in public opinion, Dimock said that the almost unfathomable amount of bullshit pouring forth from Trump’s mouth in recent weeks probably had something to do with it.
“When you go around saying that 17% of our population consists of a gang of diseased rapists and start bad-mouthing a war hero when you yourself got a deferment for an ankle sprain, people naturally start to regard you as some kind of hideous parasitic worm, which is exactly what Trump is,” said Dimock.
Dimock was less decisive as to whether the change in attitude would affect Trump’s campaign for the Republican nomination for president.
“Most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat,” said Dimock. “I mean we’re talking about the Tea Party wing of the GOP; these people can’t even spell moron or constitution correctly on their protest signs.
“I think Trump will continue to poll pretty well among those Neanderthals. They think he’s ‘telling it like it is’ when he has no clue what the fuck he’s talking about. He’s still got a shot.”
When Trump was asked about the poll during a press conference this afternoon, he told reporters, “Yes, that’s right. I’m the richest asshole in the United States.”
Bill O’Reilly, who held the top spot for many years, claimed the poll was a conspiracy hatched by White House officials and their friends in the liberal media.
When reached by phone for comment, O’Reilly told New York Times reporter Emily Steel that the poll was wildly inaccurate and he was still the biggest asshole on the public stage. He also threatened to kill anyone involved in the poll or any employee of Pew Research that he could get his hands on.
Wednesday 15th July
1:00pm Floyd, one of my personal assistants, comes running into my chambers rather frantically, and asks me if I remember taking a helicopter flight from Melbourne to Geelong last year. “Well of course I remember it!” I say. “The seat didn’t recline and they had run out of Dom Perignon. It was something of a nightmare. Certainly not something one forgets quickly”.
Floyd says there may be a problem. Something about an expenses scandal, wall-to-wall coverage all over the press. “The Speaker chartering a helicopter is not a good look ma’am,” he says.
“Was my hair out of place? The gust from those blades can be rather strong,” I say, making a mental note to use stronger hair spray for future chopper flights.
“Not a good look publicly, ma’am. It was only a 75km trip,” he says, looking slightly confused.
“Well yes, that’s the distance between Melbourne and Geelong. I can’t help that. Do people expect me to circle around a few times just to increase the distance?” I say. Actually, that would have allowed me time to finish the personal massage. Not a bad idea for next time.
3:00pm It turns out Floyd was right, my expenses are all over the press. It is quite obscene. Have they not got something better to obsess over? Labor’s debt and deficit disaster perhaps? Where do they find these journalists.
And this fascination with this one particular chopper flight. How on earth is one expected to get from Melbourne to Geelong? By road? Clearly these people have never seen the western suburbs of Melbourne. I have – it’s not pretty, and that’s from a thousand feet up in the air. Who knows what it’s like close up. No doubt full of leeches reliant on Government hand-outs.
Thursday 16th July
9:00am Joe is on the wireless saying that my spending doesn’t pass the ‘sniff test’. This from the man who said poor people don’t drive cars! Which is a silly thing to say. My driver earns just $70,000 per annum, the very definition of poor!
10:00am Tony calls me to say I should pay back the funds for the helicopter ride. I’m not sure if he is serious.
He’s serious.
“Bronwyn, you need to make sure that if you’re ever doing a fundraiser, you tie it in with a visit to a hospital or a school, so you can justify it as an expense write-off,” he says.
“A hospital!” I say, disgusted.
“Or a factory,” he says.
“Perhaps a trip to the theatre,” I suggest.
Begrudgingly I make the $5,227 payment to the Finance Department, and ask them to send through the receipt. “Just pop this receipt in with the other claims,” I say to Rupert, one of my other assistants. He seems a little taken aback. “Good god, it’s a two-minute job! I’ll get another assistant to do it if I have to,” I say. Everyone is acting more than a little bit strangely this week.
Friday 17th July
10:00am This is getting ridiculous. Now the press is hounding me about my trip to Europe last year. $90,000 they say it cost, which I know for a fact is wrong. It was $88,000. It would have been $90k had I chosen the $6,000 bottle of Bollinger instead of the $4,000 bottle whilst in the limousine. But I’m committed to keeping costs down. Or it may have been because they’d run out of the $6k bottle. But you know what I mean.
Anyway, people have to understand that being a Speaker has its costs. Impartiality doesn’t come cheap.
I must say, I am getting sick of all these journalists and all of their opinions. Like I said to Gillian Triggs, if you want to voice your opinion, if you want to take sides, become Speaker, I mean become a politician. Otherwise, keep your opinions to yourself.
4:00pm Floyd tells me that Labor has referred the matter to the Federal Police. What a stunt. What an ugly, unedifying stunt, to refer someone’s expenses to the police. I paid the funds back the moment Tony said I had to.
Saturday 18th July
10:00am Tony calls again to say that I need to front the press and make an apology. Which I do with dignity. “I am deeply sorry for taking the focus off Bill Shorten and his carbon tax,” I say.
That should be the real story here – Labor and their taxes. Expecting the public to keep paying for their extravagant spending. The fewer people reliant on the Government the better, I say.
Sunday 19th July
9:00am Oh for God’s sake. Now it’s the limousine costs they’re concerned with. What are they going to get their knickers in a twist about tomorrow? The caviar and abalone starter at pre-drinks? All within guidelines, I should have you know.
And this suggestion that I should have used public transport instead of a limousine. Limousines are public transport. Any member of the public is free to pay $1,000 a day to hire one.
5:00pm What a horrific week. I run a bath, then I call Floyd. “Pop down to the shops and buy a bottle of ’94 Krug would you please? Keep the receipt. Oh, and maybe stop by at a hospital on the way back”.
Food served on a polished chopping board is identical to food supplied on a plate, it has been revealed.
The findings come after an extensive research project conducted in Australian cafes and restaurants.
“While the food we tested on wooden boards was generally more difficult to eat and about 30-40% more expensive, we found no difference in the food itself,” scientist Jeffery Coomb said today.
The findings will come as a shock to patrons, many of whom have cut plated food from their diets completely.
Regular food eater Harriet Knox said she was sceptical of the research. “I am very doubtful about this to be honest. I know from personal experience that I’ve felt much more pleased with myself after I stopped eating plated food last year”. She said she wouldn’t risk going back to eating from a plate. “Apart from the health concerns, it makes your Instagram look terrible”.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Chairman Trey “Curt” Gowdy (R-SC) of the House Select Committee for Investigating Benghazi for the 5th Time told reporters today that the committee had heard testimony this morning that indicated there was a link between executives at Planned Parenthood and the plot to kill Ambassador J Christopher Stevens hatched by Hillary Clinton and other members of the Obama White House.
“We heard testimony from a 15-year-old girl who, when visiting a Planned Parenthood health center in Sandy Springs, Georgia, was recruited to participate in the raid on our consulate in Libya,” said Gowdy.
According to Gowdy, the girl, who was only 12 years old at the time, had visited the health center when she was 35 1/2 weeks pregnant in order to get an abortion. Gowdy said that after the abortion was completed the fetus was cut up and shipped off to various eugenics and reanimation labs around the globe.
“That was when the real lawbreaking began,” said Gowdy.
According to Gowdy, after the operation when the girl was sitting around drinking wine with the staff, she was approached by an aide to Hillary Clinton who offered her fifty bucks plus expenses to fly to Libya and participate in the attack. Gowdy said the girl declined because she had a date that night with a particularly hot member of her church.
“We consider this whole episode an outrage, and we have video evidence to back up this poor girl’s story,” said Gowdy.
Gowdy told Fox News that an organization called “Christians United Against Providing Health Care To The Poor” happened to be in the waiting room that day on a sting operation. The clandestine team, posing as buyers from the retail chain Baby Parts R Us, filmed the whole episode with cell phones.
“I think this is straw that breaks the camel’s back on this whole conspiracy,” said Gowdy. “These revelations are going to bring down the Hillary campaign and will probably mean jail time for everyone involved.”
When reached for comment on the testimony and video, the ranking Democrat on the committee Elijah Cummings (MD) told CNN that as usual Gowdy was full of shit.
“They dragged this poor chick before the committee and she read from a prepared script written on Darrell Issa’s stationary,” said Cummings.
“Then they show this shaky video of people talking and smiling in a waiting room. It was hard to make out who said what because the audio was obviously dubbed in later. I mean it looked like an old Godzilla movie. Gaps in the video are filled in with old Bugs Bunny cartoons. It was a ridiculous waste of time and taxpayers’ money, but what the fuck else is new with these clowns?”
Gowdy told Fox News that, although there were a few holes in the story, the entire Republican Caucus would be viewing film at a gala reception planned for the unfortunate young woman next week in Georgetown, and after that a decision would be made about what to do.
Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull has refused to back under-fire Speaker Bronwyn Bishop, saying he cannot understand why she chose to charter a helicopter between Melbourne and Geelong, when using a private helicopter would have been a considerably more comfortable option.
“You don’t even know the pilot in many cases,” Turnbull said of chartered flights.
He said it was reasonable to expect an explanation from Ms Bishop about her actions. “People are going to want answers, and fair enough – it’s a question of judgment. For the sake of saving a couple of thousand dollars, she’s chosen to charter a flight, when most of us in the same position would’ve just used our own chopper”.
Ms Bishop later released a statement saying she would no longer charter helicopters, a decision Mr Turnbull labelled “sensible”.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards announced a price increase this morning on all fetal tissue being sold by their 700 retail health and dissection centers located in the United States.
Richards emphasized that the increase only affects centers within the borders of the U.S., and that Planned Parenthood “black sites” in foreign countries can continue to set their own prices.
According to Richards, the across the board price increase was made in response to the increased demand for organs, umbilical chords, stem cells, amniotic fluid, and a variety of other fetal tissues caused by an amateurish video made by a deranged young man named David Daleiden.
“Demand has skyrocketed since Daleiden’s video was made public, so a price increase was the natural thing to do,” said Richards.
The video, which was pounced upon by Fox News, conservative radio hosts, Christian websites, and other questionable news outlets provides unequivocal proof that Planned Parenthood is an organization made up of Devil worshipers who sell unborn babies and their parts to the highest bidders.
“We could not have hoped to get this kind of publicity; not in our wildest, fever induced, Satanic dreams,” said Richards.
According to Richards the fetal tissue and body parts that Planned Parenthood sells go to a wide variety of buyers including medical schools, drug companies, research universities, secretive private laboratories in South America, 4-H clubs, secondary schools for use in high school science projects, witch doctors, terrorists, and wealthy cannibals tired of eating adult humans.
“We have a very broad customer base that we strive to keep happy,” said Richards. “Thanks to Daleiden’s video and all the publicity it’s caused we can cut back on advertising and entertainment expenses and expand our abortion factories so we can do away with even more potential humans. It’s been a real godsend.”
Although Daleiden’s original purpose in making the video has apparently backfired, he is reported to be basking in his new-found fame.
“David is really enjoying all this,” said Daron Dimbulb, a close friend of Daleiden’s who is also obsessed with controlling women’s reproductive organs. “He never thought he would be the object of so much praise from our country’s apparently unlimited population of morons. He really looks forward to being salivated on by Sean Hannity when he goes on his show next week.”
Richards told CNN that although no more price increases are currently being considered, if demand continues to increase all bets are off.
“With the help of Our Lord and Savior Mephistopheles, we’ll be able to convince more poor young girls to get knocked up so we can rip more children out of uteruses all across the country,” said Richards. “Otherwise we’re just going to have to jack prices again. It’s a no lose situation for us.”
Arriving early at Parliament House this morning, Speaker Bronwyn Bishop spent the best part of an hour meticulously rolling and then slowly smoking a large joint made from the finest taxpayer cash.
It’s a morning ritual that Ms Bishop says focuses her attention on the day’s work ahead. “There is nothing that focuses one’s mind quite so much on the people she is serving, than to deeply inhale the smoke of their hard-earned money,” Ms Bishop said.
The Speaker said it was her favourite time of the day. “It’s my quiet time, before anyone else arrives in the building, to sit and reflect on the work I’m doing – we’re all doing – to help this country get back on track and end this entitlement mentality”.
Asked whether she thought it was wasteful to burn money in such a way, Ms Bishop was forthright. “Wasteful? Oh no. I don’t waste a bit. I make sure every last little bit of the joint is smoked before I get on with my day”.
Ms Bishop will spend the rest day attending to duties at Parliament House before flying back to her Canberra apartment this evening.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) -Iran reached a historic deal with six world powers on Tuesday that promises to curb Tehran’s controversial nuclear program in exchange for economic sanctions relief.
The accord was announced on Tuesday by Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammad Javad Zarif and the European Union’s foreign policy chief Federica Mogherini in a joint statement in the Austrian capital, Vienna.
President Obama spoke from the White House on Tuesday, touting the historic importance of the deal and threatening to veto any legislation blocking it. Obama also stated that the terms of the agreement would be enforced. “This deal is not built on trust, it is built on verification,” the president stated.
Predictably, Republicans came out of the woodwork to decry the agreement before they even had a chance to read the fucking thing.
“Although I have not yet read the agreement, I’m really disappointed,” said Senator John McCain. “There’s still time to bomb the shit out of them and that’s what I think we should do. Iran is a target-rich environment that practically screams ‘bomb me,’ so let’s get cracking before Israel beats us to the punch.”
Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz said, “This agreement is the worst agreement ever made by a president of the United States, and although I have not read it yet, I am sure we have signed our sovereignty over to the United Nations.”
Dr. Ben Carson, another kook seeking the GOP nomination for president, told Fox News that “This is the worst agreement ever made since the earth was created 6,000 years ago. I expect a flood of Biblical proportions to envelop the continental United States as punishment for this treaty which I have not yet had time to read.”
Mike Huckabee, well-known religious fanatic and perennial candidate for president, said “This agreement was written by homosexuals. It is the work of Satan, and God will punish us for it. The United States is just not the bigoted warlike nation I grew up in. As soon as I get my hands on a copy so I can read it, I plan on using it as a burnt offering to Our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Perhaps the scariest response came from the most unbalanced and dangerous member of the Republican Party, Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas.
“This agreement between two tyrannical dictators spells doom for the American people,” said Cotton, while gnawing on the shinbone of an unidentified Muslim. The only reasonable solution to the Iran problem is genocide. If this agreement holds up, it could mean peace for decades to come, and I’m not standing for it. If I have to, I’ll destroy an American city and blame it on the Iranians. We must have war! Praise the Lord!”
The deal also has its detractors all over Iran’s neighborhood. The most outspoken of them is Israel, whose leaders have fought hard to obstruct a nuclear accord. They say the deal’s lax restrictions will actually help Iran build a bomb, while sanctions relief will allow Iran to funnel more funds to terrorist groups in the region.
On Tuesday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called the agreement “a bad mistake of historic proportions.”
President Obama has responded to all the criticism by saying that he really does not give a shit what they think and he’ll be damned if he leads us into another useless war in the Middle East.
“Screw them,” said Obama. “If Israel wants to nuke those assholes let them do it. We’ve spent enough money trying to make those savages behave. To hell with it!”
Let’s quickly examine the Abbott Government’s “achievements” over the last two weeks:
Sadly, this is the kind of fortnight Tony Abbott likes to have . . .
PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.
The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.
According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.
Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.
“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.
“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”
The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.
“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”
In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.
Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.
“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.
Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has made a partial back down from yesterday’s solar investment announcement, saying today that he would be supportive of using the sun’s energy, as long as it involved mining it.
“It’s a big untapped resource just sitting there,” Mr Abbott said. “If we mined it sustainably, reserves could last for 80-100 years”.
Energy analyst Tom Skillton said it was an offer the solar industry should consider seriously if it wanted to remain viable. “The mistake the [solar] industry has made in the past is to focus, somewhat obsessively some would say, on the renewable nature of its product. But as soon as you consider it as a finite resource, it becomes a lot more attractive for Government investment,” he said.
Environment Minister Greg Hunt has also backed the idea, saying residents would hardly notice the hole created in the sun. “This new mine will be subject to the most stringent conditions, to ensure that access to light and warmth is only minimally affected,” he said.
Mining operations could begin within two years, with full-scale production ready within a decade.
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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – El Chapo Guzman, Mexican radio personality and part-time cartel leader, paused during his escape yesterday to announce that he was throwing his cap in the ring for president of the United States.
Guzman embarrassed Mexican authorities on Sunday by slipping into a shaft through the shower floor of his prison cell and escaping through a mile-long, ventilated tunnel outfitted with a motorbike.
Guzman paused at the end of the tunnel long enough to tell reporters that he was joining the presidential race in the U.S. because he felt that someone needed to do something about the millions of illegal immigrants pouring over the border into America each year. He also hopes that he will be able to facilitate trade “of all sorts” between the United States and his native Mexico.
“I’ve been worried about the problem of illegal immigration for many years,” said El Chapo, as he calmly executed members of his tunneling staff because they failed to air condition the escape shaft. “The failure of Congress to come up with a comprehensive immigration bill is an embarrassment to both parties, and something has to be done.”
Guzman’s entry into the race on the Republican side has raised some eyebrows with law enforcement but most Republican pundits around the country see it as a positive development.
Charles Krauthammer told Fox News viewers that “Guzman’s entry into the race will be a positive thing for the party. His outstanding organizational skills and determination to get things done, even when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, will serve him well. I also think that his generosity towards the poor will soften the face of the GOP, which as we all know suffers from a lack of empathy for anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year.”
Former U.S. drug enforcement officials said they had feared Guzman would quickly retake control of the Sinaloa cartel, which reaches deep into the United States and far around the world. They were relieved to hear that he will only be joining the current bunch of crooks currently running for president.
Barry McCaffrey, former director of the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy and an NBC News analyst, said Guzman would probably not leave Mexico unless he wins the nomination.
“He’s safest there,” McCaffrey said on Today. “I mean, entire police departments have been bought, along with hotel and casino chains formerly owned by Donald Trump. I think he’ll hang tight until his poll numbers rise.”
The entire Mexican army and federal police force, as well as numerous local agencies, are currently searching for Guzman. Officially his whereabouts remain unknown despite the fact that he was seen having coffee at the Ritz Carlton Mexico City this morning with General Antonio “Montana” Hernandez.
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.
“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”
The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.
The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.
France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”
German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.
Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.
“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News has learned that FEMA is complying with an executive order from the White House by constructing dozens of amphitheaters and enclosed arenas in remote areas of the United States.
According to Sean Hannity, an anonymous source within FEMA told him that the miniature coliseums are being built to house lions, tigers, bears, and other deadly creatures to be used to devour Christians.
“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to turn America into a gay, Marxist, totalitarian regime,” said Hannity on his show last night.”Obama has already completely destroyed our great country seven times since being elected. How long are we going to stand for this?
“It’s only a matter of time before gay socialists will fill these arenas laughing and taunting the pious as they’re torn apart by savage beasts,” railed Hannity as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.
Although his program was viewed by only a few dozen white retirees in nursing homes across the United States, news of the revelation quickly spread like a pack of diseased Mexican rapists from Hannity’s show to conservative talk radio twits all across America, driving Tea Partiers, Confederate flag supporters, and other dimwits into a state of abject panic.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied the rumor, saying that it was another case of “fear mongering” by folks who don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.
“At this time the president has no intentions of feeding Christians to the lions,” said Earnest at hastily-called press conference in the Rose Garden.
“We’ve currently got too much on our plate with Operation Jade Helm. We just don’t have enough troops to take over Texas, build internment camps under Walmarts, and construct a bunch of coliseums all at the same time. Maybe next year.”
Tony Abbott believes his new role as ABC TV’s Head Of Programming won’t impact on his other role as Australian Prime Minister.
Mr Abbott, who started the programming position this week, said there was a lot of cross over between the two roles. “At the moment a good deal of my time as Prime Minister – probably 40-50% – is devoted to Q&A. So to broaden that to the other areas of the ABC is not a huge stretch”.
He said it was the right time in his career to be broadening his focus to other areas. “Look, the economy’s under control, the budget is under control. So now is a good time to take this opportunity to focus more on television”.
He said he would consult broadly with his all of his Government colleagues to ensure there was a representative mix of programming.
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MANCHESTER, N.H. – (CT&P) – GOP frontrunner Jeb Bush unveiled his subjugation-based economic plan yesterday during an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader, the first-in-the-nation primary state’s most read paper.
The plan, dubbed Prosperity Through Oppression, calls for poor people to work longer hours, reduce their caloric intake, and move to hovels located along railroad right-of-ways so that large corporations and wealthy Americans can make more money.
The theory is that when the rich get more money in their hands they will invest it in new companies that will provide subsistence level jobs for America’s poor and the rapidly dwindling middle class.
“It’s a win-win,” said Bush. “The less fortunate will be able to get off their lazy asses and work 18 hours per day while living on a diet of cheap carbohydrates and fat, foods that the wealthy in this country tend to avoid. If we can limit their caloric intake to around 800 calories a day, well then they’ll lose unwanted pounds, be healthier, and save us a ton of money on medical expenses while building a better society for the 1%.
“Research done by scientists in Germany has proven that people can work up to 20 hours per day with very little sleep or food and still be productive,” continued Bush. “Now we Republicans aren’t scientists, in fact most of us aren’t even capable of critical thought, but I think in this case they’re right because their conclusions coincide with our archaic economic policies.”
When asked how his plan differed from his closest rival Donald Trump’s, Bush explained that Trump inherited his money and had no clue how to build a business like the Bush family did.
“Trump’s plan is clearly bigoted,” said the “intelligent” Bush. “He wants to build a wall and liquidate all the Mexicans who try to get over it, while deporting any Hispanics currently living in the United States, thus freeing up jobs for white people. My plan treats everyone equally. We intend to work all poor people into an early grave regardless of their race, creed, or color.
“We have to remember that America’s premier intellectuals recommend a combination of trickle down economics combined with stone-age austerity when things start to slow down. If you don’t believe me just go to Brietbart or The Blaze and read up on it like I did.”
When asked what he would do with trash that refused to work 90-100 hour weeks, Bush said that they would be rounded up and placed in camps surrounded by concertina wire and German Shepherds.
“If nothing else they can make bullets and proximity fuses that we’ll need once we invade Iran,” said Bush.
OKLAHOMA CITY – (CT&P) – Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin (R-of course) has contacted several well-known mediums in an attempt to set up a séance so that she, members of her staff, and key lawmakers can figure out just what the writers of the Oklahoma state constitution meant when they said there should be a separation of church and state.
The action was prompted by last week’s Oklahoma Supreme Court decision mandating the removal of a monument bearing the Ten Commandments from capitol grounds. The 7-2 decision clearly stated that the government should refrain from privileging one religion over others on public property.
The judges insisted that the Ten Commandments were clearly uniquely special to a select few faiths, and thus shouldn’t be taking up space on public grounds.
“The Ten Commandments are obviously religious in nature and are an integral part of the Jewish and Christian faiths,” the ruling read.
However, Governor Fallin, who has absolutely no clue how to read a 9th grade history textbook much less interpret a state constitution, has ordered that the monument remain in place until the original framers of the document can be contacted and queried on the subject.
“I think the judges got it wrong here and I think that it’s only fair that we contact the original framers so we can ask them just what the fuck they meant when they said that ‘No public money or property shall ever be appropriated, applied, donated, or used, directly or indirectly, for the use, benefit, or support of any sect, church, denomination, or system of religion, or for the use, benefit, or support of any priest, preacher, minister, or other religious teacher or dignitary, or sectarian institution as such,’” said Fallin.
“I mean, I can’t begin to understand all that crazy legalese, can you?”
The governor first wants to contact the president of the 1907 Constitutional Convention William H. Murray and then his secretary John McClain Young. Governor Fallin is not in the least deterred by the fact that both men have been dead for decades.
“If these mediums are worth a shit, we’ll get in touch with these guys and get to the bottom of this,” said Fallin, who usually abides by court decisions when they agree with her faith. “We won’t let Oklahoma be turned into a vast wasteland like the rest of America just because a few judges tell us it’s the right thing to do.”
Fallin told CNN that if the mediums fail to make contact she has a backup plan to call in a witch doctor from Zambia to interpret the more complicated sections of the document so everyone would be clear on its meaning.
Fallin said she wanted the controversy put to bed once and for all so that Oklahoma could support Christianity at the expense of all other religions, which she considers blasphemous contracts with Satan.
The statue, which was erected in 2012, has stoked controversy since its inception. When initial efforts to remove it proved unsuccessful a man damaged the statue by slamming into it with a car, claiming that Satan told him to destroy it and urinate on the broken remains. Despite protests, the foul-smelling, urine-stained billboard for Moses was patched back together and re-erected.
Lucien Greaves, leader of the Satanic Temple, told CNN that depending on the outcome of the seance his group may go ahead with plans to erect a sculpture of a Baphomet, a goat-headed deity often used to represent Satan, on statehouse grounds. The group — which is more closely tied to secular humanism than religious Satanism, had put their plans on hold after the supreme court decision, but Greaves said that “This governor is so dumb and pig-headed that we might just have to put good ole Bahpomet right next to the Ten Commandments in the interest of fair play.”
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Donald Trump’s latest comments regarding diseased Mexicans coming over the border and raping our white virgins has caused an exodus of what was left of his Hispanic base.
President Carlos “The Schlong” Fernandez of the Mexican Rapist’s Union told CNN that because of Trump’s insensitive comments the union would reluctantly be withdrawing its support for Trump for the Republican nomination.
“We were willing to ignore the comments Trump made when he announced, because we were counting on all those wonderful jobs he would have created for us building his ridiculous monuments to himself, but this stuff about disease is just too much. All of us Mexican rapists are clean. In fact, we worry about picking up something that won’t wash off every time we rape a young white woman. You guys have some nasty ass stuff floating around up here.”
Juan Castro, vice president of the Hispanic Murderers and Drug Dealers Association also announced that his organization would be pulling support for Trump and putting all its money behind Dr. Ben Carson.
“Anyone who believes in Noah’s Ark and thinks humans walked around with dinosaurs is cool with us,” said Castro. “If we can elect a president that is that stupid, well then, we ought to be able to pillage the United States without fear of retribution. I mean, it’s like Lewis Black says, the guy thinks that the Flintstones is a fucking documentary. What a dumbass!”
Charlotte Mulebutt, president of the non-profit advocacy group Diseased Central American Kids Without Borders, pulled her support of Trump as well.
Ms Mulebutt, who claims to be Hispanic despite being the firstborn child of an Eskimo couple in Alaska, told Fox News that “As much as we like Donald because of his solid record on foreign policy issues, we can’t support a nominee that would prevent our filthy, plague-stricken, Ebola ridden children their God-given right to spread disease around the United States.”
Although one stands a better chance of being eaten alive by a shark than to be the victim of some maniacal illegal bent on evil, Trump’s wild statements seem to have hit a chord at least with the Neanderthal wing of the GOP. The Donald has garnered the support of many in the Tea Party despite the fact that most of them cannot spell his name correctly.
Trump is currently second in many polls trailing only the “smart” member of the Bush family.
When asked for comment, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager is reported to have said, “Our hope is that this will not hurt Trump’s chances of being in the Fox News debates, although they’ll no doubt be a scream with or without that idiot. We can’t wait.”
Labor figure Bill Shorten is Australia’s Opposition Leader, the Royal Commission into trade unions has uncovered.
The unexpected revelation came during a lengthy hearing in Sydney today, where Mr Shorten was questioned on his role at the Australian Workers Union.
The commission heard that Bill Shorten has been leader since 2012, but forgot to tell anyone until recently. Asked when the role was declared, Mr Shorten said, “within the last 144 hours. Sorry, it slipped my mind”.
Many people who attended the hearing, including members of the Labor Party, were shocked at the revelation. “I was expecting to hear about casual corruption and dodgy payments, but not this. Who knew Bill was Opposition Leader? I’d been wondering what he’s been up to,” one Labor insider said.
The hearing continues tomorrow.
BEAUMONT, TEXAS – (CT&P) – Tommie Woodward, 28, a short order cook and part-time Tea Party sign maker, was devoured early Friday morning by an agitated alligator in a fetid swamp close to the Louisiana state line.
The tragedy took place at Ned’s Last Chance Marina located on Toxic Bayou, a slow-moving, leech infested branch of the Sabine River. Ned’s is a popular party spot with locals because most local law enforcement personnel are too terrified to come anywhere near it.
“It was about midnight and we had just finished three cases of beer and had hit the pipe a few times and all of a sudden Tommie says ‘Let’s go swimmin,’” said Michelle Wright, a friend of the nocturnal water sports enthusiast and granddaughter of former Speaker of the House Jim Wright.
“When we warned him about the gigantic species of predatory reptile that inhabits the swamp and makes it a habit of feeding at night, he just said ‘Fuck that alligator!’ and dove in.
“There was a big splash and an 11-foot gator done grabbed a hold of him and tore off his dang leg,” whimpered Wright. “Tommie yelled that it was just a flesh wound and no fucking overgrown lizard was gonna stop him from having a good time. That’s when the gator muttered ‘I’ve had enough of this shit’ and took him under for good. It was just awful.”
Police Captain Robert Emmon told CNN that “There are signs all over the fucking place warning idiots not to enter the water because of killer alligators in the vicinity. Hell, most people don’t even fish around this godforsaken deathtrap.”
Emmon said that Woodward had made the situation that much worse by insulting the alligator before he jumped in.
“Alligators are a proud species that react badly when insulted,” said Emmon. “They’ve been around for millions of years in basically the same form because they’re perfect killing machines. Anyone dumb enough to insult one and then jump in the water on top of his snout is just asking for trouble.”
“Captain Emmon is absolutely right,” said Wally Gator, spokesman for Reptilian Lives Matter, an advocacy group headquartered in New Orleans with branches in Florida and east Texas.
“We’re sick of being treated like second class citizens,” said Wally, as he munched on a raccoon carcass. “We’ve been around one helluva a lot longer than you idiot humans and we’re just not going to take these insults lying down. Fuck you rednecks!”
According to Captain Emmon, Woodward’s body was found around 4:30 A.M. Friday morning floating around 300 yards away from the dock from which he jumped. Woodward’s leg was missing and there were bite marks all over him but he was basically intact.
“I think the gator found his flesh a little too toxic to consume,” said Emmons. “As I said, alligators are sensitive creatures and they won’t eat just anything that comes along.
“I hope this incident serves as a warning to all those cretins out there who look down on our cousins the reptiles. After all, we all descended from the same eukaryotic cells deposited on earth billions of years ago by space aliens from Planet 10, and we should all respect one another.”
Woodward’s funeral will take place sometime late this week after a local taxidermist fits him with a new leg.
A memorial service will be held on Wednesday at Helga’s Bait Shop and Chain Saw Repair in Dysentery Springs where Woodward was born and raised. Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz is expected to officiate as Woodward was a volunteer for his campaign.
Members of Texas Open Carry will conduct a 21 machine gun salute in honor of their fallen comrade.
BOSTON – (CT&P) – Officials revealed this week that the Islamic State terror group has a foothold in all 50 states as it continues to target disaffected Americans through its torrent of online propaganda and slick videos of barbaric beheadings and mutilations.
The stark warning comes days after ISIS-inspired gunman Saif Rezgui unleashed horror on at a Tunisian beach resort, killing 39 vacationers and wounding dozens more.
The FBI has reportedly set up command centers in each of its 56 field offices in case extremists try to mark the July 4 weekend by unleashing similar carnage here in the U.S. American ISIS ‘recruits’ to date have included schoolgirls, a young nurse, a homophobic bakery manager and part-time florist and even a National Guard soldier who hatched a plan to gun down 120 of his own colleagues.
FBI agents have made at least 30 arrests on US soil this year as they try to combat the murderous reach of ISIS and its batshit crazy religious kook followers.
Some have conspired to travel or send friends abroad to link up with fundamentalist fighters while others have plotted jihad here in the US – with Capitol Hill among the targets for a foiled bombing raid.
Gunmen Elton Simpson, 30, and Nadir Soofi, 34, came perilously close on May 4 when they were shot dead while trying to storm a controversial ‘Draw Mohammed’ event in Garland, Texas.
Another young fanatic, Usaamah Rahim, 26, was killed last month as he lunged at police with a knife in Boston’s Roslindale neighborhood. He was allegedly plotting to decapitate controversial anti-Islam activist Pamela Geller, the organizer of the same controversial Texas event.
However, Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III of the FBI’s Boston field office told CNN today that Geller really never had to worry about Rahim.
“Ms Geller was never in any real danger from Rahim,” said Zimbalist. “To get close enough to cut her head off Rahim would have had to look at her face, and he would have been instantly turned to stone, thus stopping the attack in its tracks.
“For example, the last Islamic State sniper that took aim at Ms Geller was found on a rooftop 300 yards from her home while still holding his 30.06. He had been transformed into a granite statue. I think the plan is to place him on the National Mall so he can serve as a reminder as to what happens when these fucked up kooks try to take out someone as obnoxious as Ms Geller.
No one really knows why Geller’s face has such an extreme effect on people who view her up close, but scientists postulate that the burning hatred she has of anything non-Geller may have something to do with it.
The phenomenon first came to light in 2007, when her husband Michael Oshry, a used car dealer specializing in organized crime, was found dead in their home. The official story was he had died of a heart attack but anonymous sources told Fox News that he had been turned into an igneous rock formation while taking a shower.
“We’re more concerned with someone using explosives against Ms Geller,” said Zimbalist. “The bitch is just too noxious for anyone to actually get close enough to use any hand-held weapons against her.”
Zimbalist said that more arrests may be made over the holiday weekend, and advised U.S. citizens to exercise “extreme caution” as they go about their business consuming pork products and watching things explode.
The Government is allowing rape, torture, assault, and in some cases murder in immigration detention centres, the public presumed today after being left with no choice but to use their imaginations.
With reports of reality now banned, citizens have been forced to assume the worst possible atrocities are being carried out in their name.
“It’s pretty horrific what’s happening there. Sexual assault, solitary confinement, torture – it’s all possible. But I don’t really know for sure,” one man said.
The Government released a statement saying, “If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear. And we certainly wouldn’t want nothing to fear”.
Treasurer Joe Hockey will use the $200,000 he won in his defamation case against Fairfax Media today to buy exclusive access to Treasurer Joe Hockey, it can be revealed.
A range of intimate meetings will take place in VIP private boardrooms in Sydney and Canberra, with personal business ventures likely to be discussed.
“It’s not easy to get the ear of the Treasurer these days, so this windfall will definitely come in handy,” a spokesperson for Mr Hockey said today.
Mr Hockey assured the public that Mr Hockey’s opinions and requests would not have any influence whatsoever over Government policy or the Federal Budget.
Facing the prospect of financial ruin thanks to an out-of-control debt and deficit disaster, Greek Prime Minister Alex Tsipras today rang Australian Treasurer Joe Hockey, for guidance on making budget emergencies vanish.
“Australia was on the absolute brink just a few years ago, but they seem to be tracking quite well now. So I just wanted to get an understanding of some of the techniques they used to avert disaster,” Tsipras said.
Tsipras described the phone call as ‘confusing’. “He [Hockey] asked me to imagine a fire burning out of control, and then a fire brigade coming to get things under control. I’m not exactly sure what he meant. Maybe he’s offering to donate water to Greece? Maybe it’s a cultural thing”.
Mr Hockey was unavailable for comment.
AINESVILLE – (CT&P) – The large number of shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina in recent weeks naturally has the vacationing public nervous about entering the water during their yearly vacations this summer. However, some common sense precautions can help you or a loved one from becoming a meal for a hungry shark while you visit the superheated waters just off the tourist trap hellhole you’ve chosen to visit during your brief once-a-year break from your soul crushing job that is leading nowhere.
While the odds of being attacked remain small even in the shark infested waters off North Carolina, you can minimize them further by heeding a list of survival tips compiled by George H. Burgess of the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History, the University of Florida.
• Always stay in tightly packed groups of 50 to 100 individuals, and move around like a herd of zebras as this confuses most sharks. Man-eaters are much more likely to attack a solitary individual or one who is sick or wounded. Always keep elderly people and children at the outer edges of the group as they can be used to hold the shark’s attention while the herd reaches safety on the beach.
• Do not wander too far from shore—this isolates you and additionally places you far away from assistance when one of your limbs is torn off and the water around you turns crimson.
• Avoid being in the water between the hours of midnight and 6 A.M. after drinking all night. These are the hours when sharks are most active and have a competitive sensory advantage because it’s fucking dark and you are blind drunk.
• Do not enter the water if you have just severed an artery, are losing blood because of huge tumors in your colon, are menstruating to beat the band, or have running sores all over your skin caused by a virulent form of venereal disease picked up on your last trip to southeast Asia—a shark’s olfactory ability is acute.
• Wearing shiny jewelry such as your $10,000 Rolex or diamond rings is discouraged because the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales. It’s a much better idea to leave these dangerous items on your beach towel.
• Avoid swimming in waters with known effluents or raw sewage and those being used by sport or commercial fishermen, especially if there are signs of bait fishes or feeding activity. Diving seabirds are good indicators of such action. It’s always a good idea to avoid lounging around in waters filled with chum, fish blood, or the remains of last week’s shark attack victims.
• Sightings of porpoises do not indicate the absence of sharks—this is reality, not Flipper, you fuckwit.
• Use extra caution when waters are murky and avoid uneven tanning and bright-colored clothing—sharks see contrast particularly well. It’s always best to sunbathe and swim nude, especially if you are a healthy young woman between the ages of 18 and 24.
• Refrain from excess splashing and beating the water while screaming “I don’t want to die!” over and over again. Do not allow pets in the water because of their erratic movements-Fido makes a tasty snack for a 12 foot Great White.
• Exercise caution when swimming in areas with nicknames like “Bloody Bay”, “Carnage Cove”, “Dismemberment Beach”, and “Abattoir Shores.” Avoid resort cities with an inordinate number of prosthetic surgeons in the phone book.
• Do not enter the water if sharks are known to be present, you idiot. Evacuate the water if you see a swarm of sharks approaching you, even if they appear friendly. If you do encounter a shark up close, don’t harass or hurl epithets at him. Sharks are sensitive and may react violently to unwarranted criticism.
Dr. Burgess says that the only way to be absolutely sure of avoiding an attack is to stay away from the fucking water. However, if you follow the simple rules outlined above you’ll greatly reduce the odds of being eaten alive or losing a limb while enjoying the one time per year you get to forget that life is just a series of depressing events that lead inevitably to your death.
LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”
Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”
“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.
Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.
The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.
However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.
There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”
The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.
Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.
Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”
Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.
olddogthoughts 
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