In all, Australia is engaged in a shameful, degrading and illegitimate method of determining the fates of asylum seekers. It cannot hold its head high in regards to one intake of refugees while many others languish in prisons of the government’s making.
Australia remains the only country sending Security personnel to vet choices made by the UN on who are the most in need. Will there any transparency in this process or will it become another secretive operational matter?
The Australian government has just announced that it will take in 12,000 Syrian and Iraqi refugees, giving priority to Christians and Yazidis who they say are the most persecuted, but not everyone agrees.
Social services minister joins Eric Abetz in urging religious focus as Muslim and Christian leaders raise concerns that it would foster discrimination
WASHINGTON -(CT&P) – Last night Republican presidential candidate and religious kook Dr. Ben Carson warned that excessive jail time could turn Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis gay.
Appearing on the Sean Hannity Show on Fox News, Carson said that Davis faced a big decision: she could either stop having sex for the duration of her sentence, or join the “dark side”and “go queer.”
The unhinged ex-neurosurgeon said that Davis’ voracious appetite for sex would very likely be her downfall.
“I’m sympathetic to her plight,” said Carson. “We all have sexual urges that we just can’t control, God knows I do. Jail time can be stressful and quite often people jump on whatever’s available when they’re incarcerated. It’s an effective stress reliever. Problem is, it sometimes it leads to lifelong homosexuality and eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.
“I don’t think that Ms Davis’ habit of fucking anything that moves is suddenly going to go away simply because she’s in jail. She more than likely will come out the other end a self-described homo.”
Carson, who despite being an insane fuckwit who thinks the earth is 6,000 years old, is second in the Republican race for the presidential nomination.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During an appearance on CNN this afternoon, God told Wolf Blitzer that he had decided to send Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis to jail for a while to “get her mind right.”
Davis, the Kentucky clerk who has defied the Supreme Court and steadfastly refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, was led away in handcuffs after a hearing before Judge David L. Bunning of Federal District Court. The contempt finding was another legal defeat for Ms. Davis, who argues that she should not be forced to issue licenses that conflict with her religious beliefs.
“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order,” said Judge Bunning, who was appointed by President George W. Bush. “If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.”
God told Blitzer that he worked through Judge Bunning to deliver his punishment for Davis, who resembles a long-haired bovine one might see in the Highlands of Scotland.
“As you know Wolf, despite being an all-powerful being, I prefer to work in mysterious ways so no one really knows whether I exist or not,” said God.”Most of the time I just choose the appropriate mammal on the scene and have them do my bidding. Today was Judge Bunning’s turn to do my dirty work.”
God explained that despite many opportunities to do the right thing, Davis insisted on acting like a stupid, bigoted, pompous ass bitch who had no respect for the rule of law.
“I clearly stated in Romans 13 that ‘Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.’”
“Now someone like Kim Davis, who claims to have such reverence for my word, should have known better than to defy authority like she did. She can just sit her fat ass in jail til she comes around to my way of thinking. Hopefully while she’s there she’ll get some of that hideous hair cut off her head. I mean Jesus!”
God did not specify how long Davis will be jailed, but he did say that he had plans to work through several female Rowan County inmates to educate Davis on the subject of same-sex relationships.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson passionately defended his use of fetal brain tissue in the Washington Post on Thursday. Earlier in the week it was revealed that in 1992 Dr. Carson had used fetal tissue in what many are calling monstrous research aimed at curing some of the most horrible diseases known to mankind.
Carson, a well-known kook who believes the earth is 6,000 years old and that Noah provided VIP seating for dinosaurs on the Ark, has been a vocal critic of fetal tissue research.
Last month, Carson railed against Planned Parenthood and pro-choice advocates by describing a fetus in the 17th week of gestation.
“At 17 weeks, you’ve got a nice little nose and little fingers and hands and the heart’s beating,” he said on Fox News. “It can respond to environmental stimulus. How can you believe that that’s just an irrelevant mass of cells? That’s what they want you to believe, when in fact it is a human being.”
However, according to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN and pain medicine physician, the Republican presidential candidate published a study with three other colleagues in 1992 that described using “human choroid plexus ependyma and nasal mucosa from two fetuses aborted in the ninth and 17th week of gestation.”
She wrote on her blog:
“As a neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson knows full well that fetal tissue is essential for medical research. His discipline would have a hard time being [where] it is today without that kind of work. What is even more egregious than dismissing the multitude of researchers whose work allowed him to become a neurosurgeon is the hypocrisy of actually having done that research himself while spouting off about its supposed worthlessness.”
As soon as the revelations came to light, Dr. Carson mounted a spirited but often unintelligible defense of his team’s use of cute little unborn babies in their research:
“You have to look at the intent,” Carson said before beginning a campaign swing through New Hampshire. “To willfully ignore evidence that you have for some ideological reason is wrong. If you’re killing babies and taking the tissue, that’s a very different thing than taking a dead specimen and keeping a record of it.”
His defense was called confused and self-serving by media outlets, so on Thursday Carson contacted the Washington Post to clear everything up.
“Although what we were doing was absolutely unconscionable, and clearly could have been done with lizard fetuses or on a computer, I want to assure all my wacked-out supporters that no Christian babies were dissected. Our salesman from Planned Parenthood, Dr. Beelzebub, assured us that we were paying for babies that were from Muslim, Jewish, or atheist mothers.
“I think we can all agree that questionable experiments on unsaved trash, whether they be unborn kiddos or fully functioning adults, is perfectly acceptable and even necessary if we are ever going to solve the public health crisis we face in this country.
“If we are going to defeat socialism, gay marriage, and the climate change conspiracy, then we’re going to have to find a way to make sure every child emerges from the womb a Christian, and our research was aimed at making that a reality.”
Dr. Carson’s explanation for his actions has been greeted with mixed reactions.
His followers in the Tea Party have been stupefied by the revelations, but that is their natural resting state, so he is not expected to lose many votes in that demographic.
However, people with an average IQ or higher point to his hypocrisy as just another reason that he should either be institutionalized or get a job as a tour guide at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum.
According to the latest polls, Dr. Carson continues to have “a snowball’s chance in hell” of winning the Republican nomination.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a guest spot on Glenn Beck’s radio show last week, esteemed filmmaker and respected intellectual David Daleiden told Beck that in episode six of his groundbreaking documentary on the Planned Parenthood conspiracy he will target the organization’s plot to sell fetal tissue to gay laboratories around the globe.
Daleiden explained to a profusely sweating Beck that for years hundreds of Planned Parenthood physicians, administrators, and janitors had been part of a conspiracy to sell fetal tissue from aborted babies to laboratories working on a secret “gay vaccine.”
According to Daleiden, the vaccine is part of an initiative by the Obama White House to inject young kids with a “gay virus” that would result in the rapid increase in the number of gays in the United States.
“It’s all part of the wider conspiracy to push the gay agenda down our throats and reduce the number of live births in America so we can more easily be oppressed by the government,” said Daleiden, as he clicked two ball bearings together in his right hand.
“This episode is sure to blow the lid off the conspiracy once and for all,” said Daleiden. “Of course, like in the other videos, I had to do a great deal of editing in order to make Planned Parenthood look as bad as possible, and I added a few scenes from some Mel Gibson movies in order to take up the slack, but I think your audience of kooks and weak-minded conspiracy theorists will get the gist of what I’m saying.”
After Daleiden left so he could appear on another batshit crazy radio show, Beck praised the famous filmmaker for his courage and depth of insight into the conspiracy between Planned Parenthood, gay laboratories, and the Obama Administration.
“I just can’t say enough about this brave young man,” said Beck, as tears rolled down his face. “To think that this conspiracy has been going on right under our noses all this time, and it took an unbalanced 26-year-old misfit to root it out! And the gays are at the center of it! I just can’t call myself an American anymore.”
Beck put his money where his mouth is by taking down the American flag on his TV show. The emotional, gut wrenching ceremony was seen by hundreds of viewers worldwide.
Beck replaced the Stars and Stripes with two flags he had custom-made by a company that caters to his insane ideas. One was a Bennington flag with “Liberty” and “Union” printed on the bottom, two words Beck misinterprets on a regular basis. The other was a depiction of a Christmas tree with “An Appeal to Heaven” written on it.
There is no word yet on whether his imaginary friend has responded to his plea.
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – Following his usual Friday champagne brunch with Pope Francis this morning, Raptor Jesus paused outside the Vatican long enough to tell journalists that he had “had it up to here” with both poachers and cosmetic dentists.
“Both are the disciples of Lucifer,” said the Prince of Scales.
“Therefore I think it is only just, since he is the very embodiment of evil, that I make an example of Dr. Walter Palmer. After he has a brief, say, 15 year stint in a Zimbabwean butt-rape prison, I’m going to have Gabe pay him a visit and extradite his sorry ass to Hades.”
“He ought to have a real good time in the slam with that dysfunctional penis of his,” chuckled the reptilian Redeemer.
During a brief question and answer period after RJ was finished, a reporter from the Messianic Times commented that although everyone on earth except the soulless cretins at Breitbart and The Blaze wanted Palmer behind bars for what he did to Cecil, he didn’t understand the Savior’s enmity regarding cosmetic dentistry.
“I’ll show you why I hate their guts,” said the Ruler of Reptiles, at which point Raptor Jesus produced a brilliant smile, revealing row after row of razor-sharp teeth, each about two inches long.
“My dentist, Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Grover’s Mill, New Jersey, promised me a ‘Hollywood smile,’ and this is what I ended up with. To Hell with all of them is what I say,” said the Lizard King of Kings. “Now if you will excuse me I’ve got to take off. I’m needed on Planet 10 to resolve a dispute between rival sects of sauropods.”
PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.
The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.
According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.
Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.
“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.
“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”
The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.
“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”
In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.
Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.
“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News has learned that FEMA is complying with an executive order from the White House by constructing dozens of amphitheaters and enclosed arenas in remote areas of the United States.
According to Sean Hannity, an anonymous source within FEMA told him that the miniature coliseums are being built to house lions, tigers, bears, and other deadly creatures to be used to devour Christians.
“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to turn America into a gay, Marxist, totalitarian regime,” said Hannity on his show last night.”Obama has already completely destroyed our great country seven times since being elected. How long are we going to stand for this?
“It’s only a matter of time before gay socialists will fill these arenas laughing and taunting the pious as they’re torn apart by savage beasts,” railed Hannity as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.
Although his program was viewed by only a few dozen white retirees in nursing homes across the United States, news of the revelation quickly spread like a pack of diseased Mexican rapists from Hannity’s show to conservative talk radio twits all across America, driving Tea Partiers, Confederate flag supporters, and other dimwits into a state of abject panic.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied the rumor, saying that it was another case of “fear mongering” by folks who don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.
“At this time the president has no intentions of feeding Christians to the lions,” said Earnest at hastily-called press conference in the Rose Garden.
“We’ve currently got too much on our plate with Operation Jade Helm. We just don’t have enough troops to take over Texas, build internment camps under Walmarts, and construct a bunch of coliseums all at the same time. Maybe next year.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The United States was destroyed once again last week, marking the 9th time the country has been completely obliterated since Obama was first elected president.
Our once proud nation now stands in ruins after two supreme court rulings, one guaranteeing health care to the poor, and another assuring marriage equality for all our citizens. The rulings have had the effect predicted by so many religious kooks across country; cities are burning, livestock are running off cliffs, there has been a complete breakdown of social order with riots in every major American city, and dogs and cats are sleeping together.
The anti-Christ socialist Muslim dictator masquerading as president hailed the two decisions as “another step toward the complete destruction of mankind” that he has sought since first being elected in 2008.
White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told the White House press corps this morning that the decisions and the resulting chaos is giving the administration the opportunity to round-up troublesome minority groups so they can be “dealt with” at some future date.
“The president has ordered the military to detain anyone self-identifying as a Christian,” said Earnest. “Over the next week or so these people will be escorted to the secret internment camps we’ve been building under every Walmart Supercenter across the United States. They will be given the choice of attending re-education facilities in the desert or they can choose to be resettled in the homes of a new generation of liberal socialist gay couples and spend the rest of their lives as powerless house servants.”
“We’ve asked the NSA to gather information about anyone who has ever attended church so we can assess what we need to do about the huge mass of people who formerly called themselves Christians but now suddenly don’t have the courage of their convictions.”
Reaction to the announcements has come quickly as tens of thousands of Americans are pouring across the Mexican border seeking the protection of the Mexican government and the Catholic Church.
Mike Huckabee, former minister, former presidential candidate, and current wingnut was asked to comment as he boarded a flight in Little Rock bound for South America.
“Just as I predicted, America is over,” said a nervous Huckabee, as he glanced around the terminal in fear.
“Christians are just not used to seeing this level of compassion and empathy in their government. We’ve lived in fear of this day for decades. Everyone knows the government is not supposed to follow the teachings of the New Testament! Our only hope is that this is the beginning of the End Times when Jesus comes back and slaughters all the non-believers and leaves the entire earth a smoking ruins. Now I have to haul ass. God bless and good luck.”
MOSUL – (CT&P) – Miss Muslima 2014, Fatma Ben Guefrache of Tunisia, was turned into a red mist over the weekend while modeling the latest styles of suicide vests for ISIS jihadis on leave in Mosul.
The model, housewife, and some time sex slave was in Mosul as part of the Annual Suicide and Car Bomb Expo sponsored by the Mosul Chamber of Commerce at the behest of the Islamic State.
A spokesman for the chamber of commerce told Al Jajeera that everyone regretted the unfortunate “wardrobe malfunction” that resulted in over 27 deaths, including that of the model.
“We’re really sorry this happened,” said Omar Abdullah Assad Skyhook.
“We had hoped to use Miss Guefrache’s good looks to infiltrate a United Nations meeting in New York or the NATO headquarters building in Brussels. This was a waste of good material, and we lost some very promising young recruits in the bargain.
“Everyone knows we don’t value human life, least of all women, but I can assure you that the wardrobe manager will be severely reprimanded for putting live explosives in the vest.”
A memorial service for Guefrache is scheduled for Wednesday at Our Lady of the Headless Infidel Mosque in Tikrit. The few remaining parts of Miss Guefrache will be washed and buried on Thursday somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. Religious Right has been hospitalized in the nation’s capital today after a week-long assault by liberal thugs on the side of hope, compassion, and equal treatment under the law. Physicians say his condition is stable and are confident that he will pull through.
“Mr. Right is a resilient soul who has had to make adjustments in the past when it became apparent that his Neanderthal views on women’s suffrage, civil rights, and interracial marriage were about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of George Washington Hospital, who is caring for the stricken Right.
“So we think that Mr. Right will eventually come around and join the majority of people in the country who are actually fine and decent human beings.”
The attacks on Right came hot and heavy throughout the week, with the removal of his beloved Confederate battle flag from state capitals and two supreme court decisions regarding health care for the less fortunate and marriage equality for all citizens being shoved into the yawning chasm of his mouth and down into his esophagus.
Dr. Lizardo told reporters that he was unsure how long Mr. Right was deprived of oxygen, but he felt that there was little damage done to Right’s brain.
“His brain is actually more similar to that of a reptile than a human being,” said Lizardo, “and we all know that many reptiles can go a long time without fresh air. So, I think he’ll be OK in the long run and go on to lead a somewhat normal life, albeit in the shadows of a more progressive and enlightened society.”
Mrs. Religious Right has been at Mr. Right’s bedside since he was admitted to the hospital, but she has declined to speak with reporters because she knows she was put on earth to be a helpmate to her husband and keep her mouth shut, which is why she was unaffected by the tsunami of good news this week.
THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.
Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.
“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”
When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.
“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”
When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”
Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.
“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”
CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – Ku Klux Klan officials held a press conference this morning to express their disappointment with the low numbers of young people signing up to join the organization during their latest recruiting drive, currently going on across the Bible Belt and for some weird reason in California as well.
The presser took place inside an abandoned Duke Energy toxic coal ash dumping site along a formerly pristine river in Pelham, North Carolina. Apparently it was the only location in which the officials felt safe enough to talk to the media.
“We just don’t understand the anemic response,” said Billy Joe Polyp, Grand Imperial Anus of the South Carolina Chapter. “We took great pains to put gluten-free candy in with all our flyers we distributed under the cover of darkness over the last few nights. We thought for sure that the candy would overcome young people’s nausea and disgust with what we actually had to say in our propaganda. It’s a real mystery.”
The propaganda, stuffed into plastic baggies with pieces of peppermint and Tootsie Rolls and hurled onto people’s lawns during the early morning hours, included a phone number for the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. The fliers were distributed in California, Kansas, Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.
It’s not something local police departments are taking lightly, and some have even reached out to the FBI for assistance. The Rockdale County sheriff’s department in Conyers, Georgia collected more than 80 fliers and is investigating whether anyone can be charged with criminal trespass or littering.
“Whether it was a joke or from an organization doesn’t matter to me,” Sheriff Eric Levett told The Daily Beast. “The fact that it was done during this time is ignorant and cowardly. We take this seriously and I’ve even ordered that we curtail some of our dog-killing patrols in order to work on this problem.”
A message on the hate-spewing hotline, based in North Carolina, salutes 21-year-old Dylann Roof, who was charged with murder for the killing nine people in Charleston. Roof penned a incoherent racist manifesto before the June 17 mass shooting and wanted to start a “race war.”
“We in the Loyal White Knights of the KKK would like to say hail victory to … Dylan S. Roof who decided to do what the Bible told him,” a man chirps in the recording. “Jesus is on our side! Why, he even wore a sheet! An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. They [black people] have spilled our blood too long. It’s about time someone spilled theirs.”
“If it ain’t white, it ain’t right,” the message concludes. “White power!”
Robert “Asswipe” Jones, of the Royal White Numbnuts in North Carolina, told The Daily Beast that the Klan is undergoing a national recruitment drive that coincidentally started around the time of the South Carolina murders.
“We’re doing this from the East Coast to the West Coast, just to let people know that the Klan, like a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away, is still in their community,” said Jones, the grand dickhead of the hate group based in Pelham, N.C. “Especially with all the stuff that’s in the news—in South Carolina they’re wanting to take the confederate flag down.”
Jones told The Daily Beast that he supports Roof’s crime, but preferred that he “shot the correct people,” such as minority drug dealers rather than churchgoers.
“It’s a racial war against our people,” Jones said. “The more the media pushes modern and progressive ideas down our throat, the more you’re going to see killings like this.”
Although the KKK leaders remain disappointed with the results of the recruiting drive up to now, they plan to redouble their efforts in the weeks to come.
“We don’t give up our archaic, savage, and inhuman beliefs very easily,” said Jones, as he removed a tick from his scrotum. “We think that maybe our target demographic is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics at this time to spend time with us burning down black churches and intimidating people who didn’t just walk out of the Middle Ages. But we ain’t gonna let that discourage us. The South will rise again and so will the Klan, just like a painful pus-filled boil on the ass of America!”
CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.
It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.
This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.
Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.
It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.
As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.
Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”
“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”
Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.
“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.
“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”
Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.
“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”
Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.
PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Creationist huckster and miscreant Ken Ham went off the rails again last week when he attacked the oversexed and apparently perpetually horny Miley Cyrus in a rambling, nearly incoherent essay on his blog, which is read by at least two or three dozen fellow fruitcakes.
Ham, an ignorant twit who would have been much more comfortable living in the Middle Ages, used Bible verses and sixth grade debate tactics in an attempt to criticize Cyrus’ sexual preferences and refusal to believe fairy tales from an ancient text written by people who thought thunderstorms were a form of punishment from God.
The unbalanced charlatan, who actually believes the earth is around 6,000 years old, seemed particularly interested in Cyrus’ lack of desire to have sex with animals or participate in pedophilia.
“Why not involve an animal?” Ham told the Reverend Billy Buttocks during an interview on the Jesus Channel. “On what basis does she decide that? Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals?”
Then Ham made a startling confession.
“We are all born with a strong desire to fuck animals,” said Ham. “It’s the way God made us. Every person on earth wants to have sex with furry four-legged creatures, and the only thing that holds us back are the rules set forth in the our Holy Book. I know I have to read my Bible every morning to remind myself how important it is not to go outside my office and copulate with one of the ungulates that we keep here at the Creation Museum Petting Zoo.”
“Sometimes I wake up all sweaty and aroused after dreaming of taking Snowball or Squealer out behind the maintenance shed and fucking their brains out,” said Ham, as his eyes rolled back in his head.
The revelation that Ham is sexually attracted to a variety of species of which he is not a member was shocking enough, but he then went on to admit that he was a secret pedophile.
“Why have sex with only those over the age of 18? On what basis does Cyrus decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Well I’ll tell you why! It’s because of the rules and regulations set forth in this dusty book written before mankind knew what the fuck electricity was! It’s the only thing that keeps us in line, I tell you. Without the Bible, we would just be savages running around fucking everything from Coke bottles to tapirs!”
Although most Americans were shocked by Ham’s confessions, Fox News numbskull Sean Hannity was quick to come to his defense, citing Kentucky’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which encourages all sorts of abominations as long as they are done in the name of God.
However, coworkers and close friends of Ham were not surprised by his statements.
“Why the hell do you think we keep such a close eye on kids when they tour this place?” said an aide to Ham.
The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the last employee to speak publicly about Ham’s psychological problems was crucified on the $3 million “Calvary Kiddie Ride.”
“Ken has always been one weird son of a bitch,” said the aide. “He is constantly staring longingly at the pens holding our sheep and cows, but his favorites are those young attractive goats. He says their eyes are the gateway to Heaven, or some such bullshit.
“You have to remember that Ken was deported from Australia because authorities there perceived him as threat to wildlife, children, and critical thought,” continued the aide. “He tried to move to western Europe, but as it turns out the only country that would have him was the United States. He’s really found a home with these suckers in the Bible Belt, let me tell you.”
Although authorities in Boone County where Ham’s God-O-Rama theme park is located have heard weird stories coming from behind the walls of the “Koresh Compound” as they call it, no charges have been filed against Ham or his employees up to this point.
“We look the other way when it comes to animals,” said Sheriff Billy Bob McSneed, “after all, that’s part of growin’ up around here, but we damn sure draw the line when it comes to little kids. I can’t arrest the kook for thinking about buggering those children, but if he lays a hand on them, he’s gonna see some Kentucky straight justice in a hurry. Prayin’ won’t do a damn bit a good.”
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”
Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.
Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.
“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”
Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.
“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!
“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”
So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.
“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.
“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.
Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.
“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.
“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”
LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – TLC has announced in a press release this morning that they are sponsoring a new website, DuggarMingle.com. The dating site will be up and running sometime this summer and is designed to help Duggar singles find other Duggars for friendship, romance, pedophilia, or Bible study.
“We thought a dating site would help Duggars find other family members who had the same interests in incest, pedophilia, and weird Bible verses so they could get together and ‘be fruitful and multiply,’” said Ezekiel Koresh, TLC’s Vice President of Depraved Christian Cults.
“It should also help to keep some of these perverted liaisons below the radar so we can continue to rake in the cash from this group of freaks. The last thing we need now is another scandal,” said Koresh.
Jim Bob Billy Joe “Randy” Duggar, family patriarch and misguided religious freak, told TLC that he thought the website was a “great idea.”
“When your moral code is based on a text that was written before man knew any better than to keep feces out of his water supply, you’re going to have some reprobates and deviants crop up in the dozens of spawn you produce,” said Duggar. “It’s inevitable. I just hope we can keep the genetic mutations and incidence of congenital disorders down to a manageable level.”
TLC hopes that the site will be up and running before the popular Fourth of July Pro Life Family Coitus Festival held each year in Wandering Schlong, Arkansas. Former governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will be the keynote speaker at the event.
LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Embattled former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has made an offer on Michael Jackson’s old Neverland Ranch property, according to the L. A. Times.
Hastert, who served alongside Bob Livingston, Tom Delay, Newt Gingrich, and a whole host of other Republican criminals while in office, has been charged with lying to the F.B.I. and making cash withdrawals from banks in a way that was designed to hide that he was paying $3.5 million to someone for his “misconduct” from years ago, a federal indictment released on Thursday said.
Mr. Hastert, 73, the longest-serving Republican speaker, had worked as a lobbyist since leaving office. The indictment, announced by the United States attorney for the Northern District of Illinois, said Mr. Hastert, who was once a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Ill., had so far paid $1.7 million to the person, who had lived in Yorkville and had known Mr. Hastert for most of his or her life. Mr. Hastert worked in Yorkville from 1965 to 1981.
The person, who is referred to as “Johnny Cutesack” in court documents, has reportedly told prosecutors that Hastert repeatedly grabbed and compressed his scrotum while supposedly teaching him wrestling moves.
Cutesack told prosecutors that he finally had to “come clean” because he felt he had wrung “just about all the cash he could” out of the conservative Christian former politician.
Despite Hastert’s legal problems, he hired a real estate agent to approach the current owners of Jackson’s former home in Santa Barbara County in order to make an offer on the property.
“Once all this blows over I want to give something back to society,” said Hastert. “I entered politics with a net worth of a mere $250,000, yet I managed to make millions while Speaker of the House and as a lobbyist. I’ll never have to set foot in an office again. I want to put all my ill-gotten gains to good use by setting up a wrestling camp for attractive young boys. Praise the Lord!”
Prosecutors do not share Hastert’s optimism however.
Kimberly Nerheim, spokesman for the U.S. attorney’s office, told reporters in Chicago that “By the time we get finished with this hypocrite he’s going to feel like he’s had a red hot poker shoved up his ass.”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX – (CT&P) – The wave of suicide attacks that has plagued the United States for weeks continues unabated as scores of pundits, right-wing politicians, and wacked-out ministers continue to strap on bigoted archaic arguments and run screaming toward the forces of societal progress and enlightenment.
The latest idiot to attack common human decency in favor of religious psychosis was the thoroughly unbalanced and hate mongering dimwit Bryan Fischer of American Family Association fame.
“The flooding in Texas is clearly God’s vengeance wreaked upon the sodomites of the southwest in the form of H2O!” said Fischer, as he foamed at the mouth on his daily decent into madness and hate known as Focal Point.
“The geographical connection between the flooding, the practice of the occult and witchcraft, and the embrace of homosexuality is absolutely undeniable. The relationship between homosexual activity and natural disasters has been well documented and should be obvious to any reasonable person who believes a virgin gave birth to the Son of God who later in life morphed into a death-defying zombie.”
A mentally disturbed caller named Rebecca from Anal Seepage, Texas agreed with Fischer, saying “If God is judging Texas, it’s because of the witchcraft and sodomy that we’ve allowed to run rampant! I say we kill all the fags and all the liberals and all the atheists while we’re at it!”
Fischer used the caller’s comments as an excuse to go on a fifteen minute incoherent rant about atheists and how there should be a national registry for them like there is for sex offenders. He closed the show by saying:
“We can’t afford to let people capable of critical thought run free throughout our society! Real Christians should take up arms and kill the blasphemers and sodomites! That’s one thing them Mooslims have got right!”
ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.
At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.
“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”
“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.
FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.
“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.
“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”
Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.
CABOT, PENNSYLVANIA – (CT&P) – Reuters is reporting that former Pennsylvania senator and current religious kook Rick Santorum has escaped from the facility in which he was being held and has announced that he is running for president again.
The 57-year-old Santorum apparently borrowed enough cash to rent a condemned building near his hometown of Cabot and, flanked by out of work steelworkers and six of his seventeen children announced that he would be the “next President of the United States.”
“With the help of God and all those citizens who want to turn this great nation of ours into a Christian theocracy governed by our own special version of Sharia law, we will succeed,” Santorum told the adoring crowd of over three dozen supporters.
Santorum, who was placed in a mental health facility in rural Pennsylvania after comparing Nelson Mandela’s struggle against apartheid to the Republican effort to keep health care from the poor, and supporting legislation to declare secularism a religion so it could not be taught in schools, is generally given a snowball’s chance in Hell of winning the GOP nomination.
Pulitzer Prize winning right-wing pundit and celebrated atheist George Will told Fox News that Santorum should change his name to “Rick Sanatorium” because it would “more accurately reflect his fucked up political and religious views.”
“The dude is crazier than a shithouse rat,” said Will.
Santorum announced that he will begin a sweep through rural areas of the Appalachian mountain chain next week to seek out people who are as nutty as he is so he can build a solid base of volunteers for his upcoming campaign.
MECCA – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad appeared today on Al Jazeera’s popular morning show Jihadi and Friends to clarify some of his positions regarding Al-Qaeda and its rival in inhuman savagery the Islamic State. Muhammad assumed the form of a twenty-three pound tabby cat for the interview in order to mask his true form from cartoonists and other artists around the world.
The cat, which had a large “M” on its forehead, told co-host Steve Abdullah Doocalhiri that although he was all in favor of killing infidels, destroying Israel, and throwing homosexuals off tall buildings, he had to draw the line when it came to beheading and immolating fellow Muslims.
“I’m pretty pleased with Al-Qaeda so far,” said the feline prophet, “but I think ISIS is going just a little bit overboard. We have to take into consideration that many of our people are uneducated and just don’t know right from wrong when it comes to Sharia law. We need to adopt a more delicate approach when it comes to genocide.”
Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to grasp what the fuck the Prophet was saying, kept nodding his head and asking the cat if all of this was Obama’s fault for offering health care to the poor.
“It has nothing to do with Obama, you moron!” hissed the cat. “You idiots want to blame everything on that son of a bitch! Get your head out of your ass and listen to me for a minute. I’m telling you that we could get a lot more accomplished if we just stopped short of slaughtering every man, woman, and child who gets in our way.”
Doocalhiri, who seemed unable to process what he had heard, then asked the Prophet if he thought Hillary was responsible for the giant Benghazi conspiracy.
At that point the cat prophet jumped down off the chair back he had been perched upon, took a swipe at Doocalhiri’s face, and marched off the set while mumbling something unintelligible in Arabic.
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”
The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.
“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”
The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.
The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.
“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”
The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.
“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – With ISIS on the attack around Ramadi, Shiite and Sunni militias fighting each other as well as Islamic State forces, Coalition airstrikes blowing up empty patches of desert, the Iraqi military in full retreat, and inanimate objects exploding all over the country, United Nations President Sam Kahamba Kutesa officially declared Iraq an official “24 karat Clusterfuck” at a press conference this morning.
The distinction is important because clusterfuck status enables the United Nations to speed up relief shipments of food and medicine to the country whose borders were pulled out of white people’s asses shortly after World War I.
“We don’t hold out much hope that peace will come to the area in our lifetimes,” said Kutesa, “but we hope that eventually the fighting will die down to the point where we can distribute food, water, and cyanide tablets to the surviving population.”
The White House hailed the decision as a “real breakthrough” and expressed hope that fleeing refugees would be offered at least one last good meal before being obliterated by wayward drone strikes and terrorist car bombs.
“The situation is improving day-to-day,” said President Obama at a press conference in the Rose Garden, where he thanked Dick Cheney and George Bush for leaving Iraq and the Middle East in such good shape.
“I’m confident that all these religious nut cases will stop murdering each other real soon,” said Obama. “After all, they’ve been at it for several centuries now and I’m sure they’re sick and tired of all the bloodshed.”
Cheney, who was in Washington to negotiate the purchase of a soul to go with his new heart, told reporters that the entire fucked-up situation was Obama’s fault because he offered health care to the poor and failed to bomb the shit out of Iran over their nuclear program.
SEOUL – (CT&P) – Secretary of State John Kerry say he’s confident that the cave dwelling fanatics that have been slaughtering each other for centuries over a religious dispute will stop killing each other long before the end of time.
Kerry, who is traveling through South Korea, says that he’s always said the fight between different sects of the “religion of peace” would be a long one, but would eventually burn itself out just like the Hundred Year’s War between Catholics and Protestants did in Europe.
He said that Ramadi was a “target of opportunity” for the savages from the Islamic State but he’s confident that the savages that we currently support will get the upper hand in coming days, which in turn will lead to another round of murder and mayhem, thus reducing the numbers of fighters on both sides.
Ramadi fell to ISIS on Sunday, as Iraqi forces that we spent billions to train and equip ran like frightened schoolchildren in the face of a few black and white flags mounted on top of pickup trucks. The brave Iraqi troops abandoned their weapons and armored vehicles to flee the provincial capital in a major loss despite intensified U.S.-led airstrikes.
“I’m confident that once all of these idiots on both sides are dead the fighting will stop,” said Kerry.
When asked by a reporter why the fuck we continue to get involved in this ridiculous bloodletting over imaginary friends in the sky, an exasperated Kerry replied, “Because of the oil, you dumb shit!”
“Look, everyone knows these 7th century cretins are going to continue to murder each other until the camels come home, but we hope we can immolate enough of them with air strikes and artillery barrages to secure the oil supply for at least another few decades. After that, we really don’t give a fuck.”
Kerry closed the impromptu presser by saying that we were not at war with Islam and had great respect for its long history of showing tolerance and love for members of different religions just before killing them.
“We hope that in the future other countries can be more like America where we tolerate people with a wide variety of fucked up religious beliefs and usually stop short of burning them alive no matter how wacked-out and batshit crazy they may be,” said Kerry.
DAMASCUS – (CT&P) – The death of Abu Sayyaf and capture of his wife Umm Sayyaf during a raid in eastern Syria last night will provide advancement opportunities and a “chance to shine” for deputy commanders in the area, according to ISIS Supreme Leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
U.S. Special Forces based in Iraq carried out the deadly raid, the White House said this morning.
Abu Sayyaf was a senior ISIL (Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant) leader whose roles included overseeing illicit oil and gas operations, key sources of revenue for the terror group, according to the White House. He also was allegedly involved with the group’s military operations, an accusation that his lawyer F. Muhammad al-Bailey flatly denies.
Sayyaf was purportedly killed in a firefight.
According to Pentagon sources no U.S. personnel were killed or wounded during the action.
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who called a press conference today outside his cave somewhere in the middle of the fucking desert, told reporters that although he would miss his friend Sayyaf and his lovely wife Umm, the raid presented a great opportunity for some up and coming junior officers.
“I’m really looking forward to see who is going to step up and fill this important position for us,” said al-Baghdadi, as he picked lice from his beard. “I met several of Abu’s lieutenants last fall at our yearly convention and motivational retreat in Mosul. I think one of those guys will step up, take the goat by the horns and get down to some serious murder and mayhem. I can’t wait to see some of the new torture and execution techniques these guys come up with! You know the younger generation can really be creative.”
Umm Sayyaf, whom U.S. intelligence officials suspect also was an ISIL member and played an important role in terror activities, was taken for questioning to a U.S. military facility in Iraq but was quickly released because according to Delta Force officers the woman was a “giant pain in the ass.”
“I swear to God I’d rather be burned alive that deal with that gibbering bitch for one more minute,” said Captain Billy Bob McSneed of Turd Bluff, Iowa. “I don’t see how the dude lived with that woman. In my opinion we did the guy a favor by killing him.”
Pentagon sources told CNN that no further ground raids were planned at this time, but as soon as Sayyaf’s replacement was named and settled into his new job, Delta would go in and blow his head off as well.
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.
“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”
When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”
“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”
“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”
God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.
PARADISE – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad spoke with reporters outside Paradise this morning to express his regret over the failed attack on the “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas yesterday.
“I’m really disappointed that the attackers were so fucking incompetent that they didn’t even manage to get out of their goddamn car,” said Muhammad, last messenger of Allah the Most Merciful. “If this had happened in Baghdad the whole fucking building would have been destroyed along with all those infidel artists and their families. It’s just hard to get good help in America. No one wants to work. Hell, half the population is on foods stamps!”
Muhammad also took the opportunity to complain about recent depictions and artist’s renderings of himself.
“I’d like to emphasize that most of these artists have it all wrong. I am a much more handsome guy than these idiots depict. I have high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and perfect facial symmetry. My shoulders are strong and broad, and my beard is always well-groomed and most of the time free of lice. And I tell you something else, there’s not a goat on the planet that can resist my ‘come hither’ look.”
Although the incompetent gunmen were unable to gain entry to the building housing the event, a security guard and one policeman were injured at the entrance before the jumpy jihadis died in a hail of gunfire. Reports are now surfacing that, as is always the case, at least one of the idiots was known to the FBI before the attack.
Many news outlets are condemning the organizers of the event, saying that it was unwise and unnecessarily provocative, while others are saying that it is yet another shining example of Islam’s less-than-stellar record when it comes to free speech, equality for women, treatment of homosexuals, basic human rights, or just about any other fucking thing valued by modern society.
Before closing his press conference, Muhammad made it clear that he did not mind people drawing him as long as the depictions were flattering.
“Look, I really don’t give a shit whether people draw me or not; I personally could care less, but if they are gonna do it, at least get it right. I’m actually a very pretty dude. Now you’ll have to excuse me so I can get back to my virgins. They are a very demanding bevy of bitches.”
MOSUL – (CT&P) – Representatives from the Islamic State Sex Workers Union told reporters from Al Jazeera and CNN this morning that unless immediate steps were taken to improve pay and working conditions they would have to call a general strike.
Vincent van Goat, president of the union, and union spokeswoman Muriel appeared before journalists in Mosul this morning to list their grievances with Islamic State fighters and support personnel.
“We have provided the very best service any terrorist could expect considering the conditions out here in this Allah-forsaken wasteland,” said Muriel.
“We’ve shown our loyalty by following these lice-ridden religious zealots all over the desert providing comfort and favors to them before, after, and in some cases even during battle. Do you know how difficult it is to perform oral sex when a drone is hovering over your head?”
“That’s right,” said van Goat. “The Islamic State owes us at least the dignity of a living wage and better working conditions. Our nannies are sick and tired of having to strip and dance around deep inside escape tunnels and in hastily dug trenches out in the searing heat. And our billies are damn sick and tired of having their beards pulled during sex. It’s an insult.”
“We at least want some nice air-conditioned tents and a reliable source of grain and water before we continue the mission,” said Muriel. “And we want a Hooker’s Bill of Rights enforced by the Islamic State Labor Department that assures, among other things, that customers won’t use our horns as leverage during sex. That’s not what they’re there for!”
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, supreme leader of ISIS and a regular customer, responded to the demands via shortwave radio from deep inside his command cave somewhere out in the middle of fucking nowhere.
“I want to assure the leaders of the ISSWU and all its members that we are sorry for the rough treatment they have received in recent months and we will do everything in our power to make them happy. I was completely unaware of the problem. My precious Snowball has never voiced any of these concerns to me personally, but then again she is not out on the front lines like most of her coworkers.”
“I have issued orders that anyone mistreating an ungulate while having sexual relations with him or her will be burned alive or buried in the sand up to the neck near an ant bed. I feel this should take care of the problem at least for the time being,” said Baghdadi.
“I also want to apologize on behalf of my fighters. You have to remember that they are only stone-age savages who until recently were wiping their asses with their left hands. At least the Americans left plenty of toilet paper around along with all those weapons so that’s not a problem anymore. Anyway, you can rest assured that conditions will improve for all sex workers doing business in the Islamic State. Now tell me, who’s your Baghdadi?”
The ISSWU issued a press release this afternoon that stated if the reforms mentioned in al-Baghdadi‘s speech were adopted immediately there would be no need for a strike and sexual favors would continue unabated across battlefields and rear areas throughout the Middle East.
“We’re all relieved that the Supreme Leader has taken quick and forceful action,” said Muriel. “A work stoppage is the last thing anyone wants. We have families to support and we really don’t want to deny any terrorist at least a blow job before he’s immolated by an exploding tank or blown to smithereens by an American drone. It’s the least we can do for these idiots.”
KATHMANDU, NEPAL – (CT&P) – A majorly pissed off Jehovah visited his wrath upon Nepal on Saturday in the form of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake centered approximately 50 kilometers to the northwest of Kathmandu, the capital.
Over 4,000 pagans are known dead, and the toll continues to rise as volunteers continue to dig through the debris of the unbeliever’s homes and heathen temples. Over one million idolatrous children are said to have been affected by the vicious and unfeeling act of God.
A senior official in Gorkha district, the location of the earthquake’s epicenter, told the AP he had heard reports of 70% of the blasphemer’s houses being destroyed.
“Things are really bad in the district, especially in remote mountain villages,” Udav Prashad Timalsin said. “There are apostates who are not getting food and shelter.”
In the capital, water is becoming scarce and there are fears that sinful children in particular could be at risk of disease. Even residents of some of the city’s Republican upper class neighborhoods are sleeping on carpets and mattresses outside their homes.
Aid flights are coming in rapidly and in fact Kathmandu airport is running out of parking bays, so many aircraft are having to wait before getting permission to land.
At the Pashupatinath temple, one of the city’s oldest and most famous shrines to evil, cremations have been taking place since the morning. As the death toll rises, the authorities are keen on disposing of the bodies as quickly as possible to prevent a health hazard.
Although seismologists have warned that a large quake was overdue in Nepal, American preachers were quick to jump in to explain that seismologists were scientists and therefore could not be trusted. They insist the earthquake had nothing at all to do with plate tectonics but was the direct result of the Nepalese adopting religious beliefs that differed from their own.
Pastor Tony Miano of California-based Unhinged Ministries said that God was tired of people not following the King James Bible to the letter and refusing to obey God’s instructions delivered by ex-cops and wealthy television evangelists. He tweeted that he hoped not a single pagan shrine would be rebuilt and the people of Nepal would repent and worship the “Baby Jesus” from now on.
“Those people with their wacked-out new age religion are an affront to God,” said Miano. “It’s no wonder that Jehovah got pissed off and flattened their cities. Those people are idol worshipers and they’re just downright evil. Especially the kids.”
Pat Robertson offered a more reasoned explanation for the widespread devastation and loss of life on his hit TV show The 700 Club. Robertson was asked by a caller “why God didn’t take out more of those unbelievers like he did them Haitians?”
Robertson explained that God killed a lot more Haitians because they had entered into a contract directly with Satan by practicing voodoo.
“Just sitting around meditating and making weird noises is not near as bad as sticking pins in dolls and wandering around covered in goat’s blood looking like a zombie,” said Robertson. “Our God is a just deity and he didn’t want to punish these uneducated sherpas as badly as he did those evil minions of Lucifer in Haiti. After all, God is love.”
The earthquake also wreaked havoc on Mount Everest where 18 climbers, including four Americans, were killed by an avalanche at Base Camp.
The Reverend Franklin “I used to do drugs and hang out but finally figured out that I could make big bucks preaching the Gospel” Graham told CNN that the deaths on Everest were a direct result of Americans placing adventure travel above staying home and supporting extreme right-wing politics.
“It’s just a tragedy that God had to take this extraordinary action, but maybe it will teach everyone a lesson,” said Graham. “Maybe people will come to their senses and devote their lives to preventing homosexuals from getting married and eliminating health insurance for the poor instead of running all over the world climbing mountains.”
Meanwhile in Nepal aid is pouring in from all over the planet as the area experiences multiple aftershocks. The death toll will no doubt continue to climb, but at least the rest of the world can take comfort from the fact that almost all of the victims were pagans destined to burn in the fires of Hell anyway.
THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.
“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?’”
According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.
The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.
Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.
Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.
Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.
Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.
“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”
Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.
“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.’”
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.
Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.
Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.
Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”
When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.
“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.
“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”
When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.
“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”
Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.
“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”
When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.
Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.
“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.
Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.
“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.
“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”
“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”
On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.
Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”
It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Numbnuts, dickheads, and reactionary assholes scrambled to the nearest microphones this morning to praise freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s remarks on Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” The goofy-looking senator from Arkansas made the remarks to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer during an appearance on The Situation Room.
Cotton, like many other right-wing nutjobs, compared the law to the one signed by President Clinton in his first year in office. Apparently he has not read either law or he is so mentally deficient he is unable to tell the difference between the two.
Then, in a breathtaking example of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance, Cotton told Blitzer that gays should be glad they live in the United States instead of elsewhere.
“In Iran they hang you for the crime of being gay,” said Cotton. “They’re currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in Iran. We should focus on the most important priorities that our country faces right now. And I would say that a nuclear armed Iran, given the threat it poses … is the most important thing we could be focusing on right now.”
Cotton, you may recall, is the celebrated author of the famous letter to Iran concerning constitutional law in the United States. The letter was criticized by pundits and political leaders of all stripes for undermining the president at a critical time. The fact that the letter was inaccurate and written in crayon did not help matters either.
Cotton, who has a six-year-old’s grasp of the issues, is apparently able to concentrate on only one issue at a time and seems unaware that his home state of Arkansas is desperately trying to avoid becoming the target for boycotts and outrage over its own “Religious Freedom Act.”
Regardless, idiots came out of the woodwork to praise Cotton for his willingness to stand up for bigotry and hate wherever it rears its ugly head.
John Bowles, 2008 presidential candidate for the American Nazi Party, told reporters that “I’m damn proud of Tom for standing up for the rights of religious fanatics everywhere. It’s high time someone stood up for bigoted assholes!”
Judge Roy Moore, Alabama’s rogue judge and cretinous zealot, said “Tom Cotton is the kind of guy all of us ignorant rednecks can support wholeheartedly! I hope he decides to run for president!”
Actor, lunatic, and Biblical scholar Phil Robertson remarked, “Tom is just the kind of politician this country needs to lead us back to a time when black people were happy in the cotton fields and gays and lesbians were executed in the town square.” Robertson then went on a 20 minute diatribe about atheists and their genitals.
Cotton is sure to be the target of outrage from every intelligent member of the media and the public for his remarks, but this is nothing new for the senator, and it does not seem to faze him in the least. He seems to let it roll off him like mud off a hog’s back.
For our sake we can only hope that Senator Cotton is “overwhelmed by the Spirit,” and decides to follow his true calling by going on tour in the Middle East and Iran preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.
FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.
The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.
The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary. Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university. While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.
Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.
However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.
The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.
Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.
“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”
“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”
According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”
“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”
In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.
“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”
Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.
“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA – (CT&P) – Indiana Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law yesterday in an attempt to show solidarity with politicians around the Bible Belt who are pushing “Religious Freedom Acts” of their own. The legislation allows individuals and corporations to cite ‘religious beliefs’ as a defense when sued by a private party. Thus, business owners who don’t want to serve same-sex couples, or any other member of a group they dislike, now have legal protection to deny service.
“We just wanted to show that religious folks in Indiana have just as much pent-up prejudice and hatred as our brothers and sisters down South,” said Governor Pence at a press conference after he signed the bill. “We want to protect our God-given right to treat people who disagree with our archaic belief system as second class citizens and objects of derision. Judge Roy Moore ain’t got nothing on us,” chuckled the governor, as he foamed at the mouth.
The fact that the bill may cost the state millions of dollars in revenue did not seem to bother the governor.
“If people and businesses want to move to a more progressive state that treats all its citizens and tourists as equals, then let them burn in hell with all the other heretics. We in Indiana want to stand as an example of God’s love for bigots and hatred of fags. If we lose a few conventions here and there then so be it!”
The bill has prompted public outrage around the country and several large organizations such as Salesforce have abandoned all future plans that include Indiana. Other organizations such as Gen Con, the NCAA, and Ely Lilly, one of the state’s largest employers, have already spoken out against the bill.
When asked if the bill would not allow business owners to refuse service to just about anyone they disagreed with or did not like, Governor Pence replied, “Yes, thank God. Like other ‘Religious Freedom’ bills making their way through state houses around the country, we made this one vague enough to where we can discriminate not only against gays, but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Mormons, Scientologists, or just about anyone we want to. It’s great!”
“The main thing to remember here is to ask yourself the question ‘What would Jesus do?,’ and I think we can all agree that if Jesus owned an Ace Hardware he would refuse to sell building materials to homosexuals, Jews, Muslims, atheists, or any other group that threatens our fragile and insecure system of beliefs.”
Governor Pence concluded, “The God-fearing citizens of Indiana want nothing more than to return to the Middle Ages, just like those folks down South, and I think this bill is a good beginning.”
DAMASCUS, SYRIA – (CT&P) – Sunni and Shia Muslim religious leaders signed a historic agreement yesterday that will allow them to keep killing each other “indefinitely.” The agreement, which was mediated by some British dude in white robes, is being heralded by the United Nations as the “first of its kind” in the hot and cold relations between the two groups.
“Although it’s not quite the outcome we had hoped for, it’s really nice to see the two sides coming together and discussing their differences,” said Kahamba Kutesa, President of the U.N. “We hope that this accord is the beginning of a glorious journey down the road to “peace in our time.”
Both groups seemed pleased with the results and look forward to continued bloodshed with the assurance that the other side will be just as brutal and inhumane as the other.
“I haven’t seen this kind of progress since the 7th century,” said Mohammed Abdulaziz Daud Skyhook, lead negotiator for the Sunnis. “This agreement will allow us to glorify God by butchering those with whom we have a theological disagreement without the nagging fear that they may suddenly want to cooperate and live together in peace. Praise Allah!”
Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Abd-El-Kader Birdadda, Shia representative at the talks, agreed. “This treaty will allow us to slaughter our brother Muslims till the ‘camels come home.’ We are truly excited and look forward to making many martyrs who will shortly be able to kick back in Paradise and participate in wild lizardlike sex with many virgins.”
Both sides expressed their desire to increase the rate of bloodletting to a “crescendo of doom” throughout the Middle East and surrounding areas.
“We hope to top the current record of 10 million people murdered in the name of God currently held by Protestants and Catholics during the Thirty Years War,” said Birdadda. “With the help of modern weaponry and the complete lack of empathy on both sides of this conflict, we think we can at least double the old record.”
Both sides stressed that the although the agreement was solely between Sunni and Shia, no restrictions were included that would prevent both sides from murdering Christians, Jews, atheists, or any other religious or non-religious groups in their spare time.
“After all, everyone has to have a hobby,” said Skyhook.
No further talks are scheduled until population levels drop below the level necessary to propagate the two murderous tribes of religious zealots.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Last week U.S. House Representative and Talmudic scholar Steve King (R-IA) gave American Jews a helping hand on how they could better represent their religion by encouraging them to “quit being so antisemitic.” Representative King accused the group of failing to support Israel by disagreeing with the GOP’s policies regarding Iran and the standard Republican policy on the Middle East, which succinctly put is: ‘when in doubt, bomb and invade.’
When asked by a host on Boston Herald radio on Friday about members of Congress who did not attend Bibi Netanyahu’s address earlier in the month King said, “Well, there were some 50 or so Democrats that decided they would boycott the president’s speech. One thing that’s happened is — just look at the polling, that means — here is the thing that I don’t understand, I don’t understand how Jews in America can be Democrats first and Jewish second and support Israel along the line of just following their president.”
After informing King that Bibi was Prime Minister of Israel and not its president, the interviewer asked if antisemitism was a factor. King said it was a component along with “just plain liberalism.”
“You would think that American Jews would care more about Israel and quit being so damn antisemitic,” said King. “I’ve never been to Israel, but I’m told that a lot of Jews live there”
“Jews here in the U.S. just need to get over their liberalism and join us Republicans in pushing for a theater-wide conflict that would engulf the entire Middle East in a seething cauldron of destruction. It’s the sensible thing to do, and besides, it’s what the Bible says, and the Bible is never wrong, especially the New Testament, which was not written by Jews.”
Most political pundits have so far been unable to make any sense whatsoever of Mr. King’s statements, but that is nothing new.
King, who is referred to by most of his fellow representatives in the house as “that village idiot from Iowa,” has repeatedly backed kooky Tea Party policies and spouted utter nonsense on the House floor. His 2013 trip to Cairo with Michele Bachmann and Louie Gohmert has gone down in history as one of the most absurd overseas trips ever taken by representatives of the U.S. Government.
Although some American Jewish leaders called King’s remarks “an insult to anyone who has a prefrontal cortex,” no one believes that King’s comments will be taken seriously by anyone except those who dropped out of school at the age of nine in order to work on the family hog farm.
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Jesus flatly rejected a 60 million dollar budget request for a Gulfstream G650 by the “Pastor” Creflo Dollar over the weekend, according to Saint Matthew, patron saint of accountants, bankers, and security guards. “He was unequivocal on the subject,” said St. Matthew. “I believe his exact words were, ‘he’ll get that jet just as soon as the next cold front hits Hell.’”
Christ’s denial of the request came during the regular Sunday afternoon meeting of the Divine Finance Committee, which reviews all monetary requests made by Christians during the preceding week.
On Friday, Dollar’s website unveiled Project G650, an “airplane project” that he claims has something to do with “Understanding Grace” and “Empowering Change.”
On the website, Dollar made his case: “The ministry’s current airplane was built in 1984, purchased by the ministry in 1999 and has since logged four million miles. Recently on an overseas trip to a global conference, one of the engines failed. By the grace of God, the expert pilot, who’s flown with Creflo for almost 20 years, landed the plane safely without injury or harm to any passengers.”
Dollar claims the private jet allows him to “safely and swiftly share the Good News of the Gospel worldwide” in a way that commercial aircraft just do not allow.
“The mission of Project G650 is to acquire a Gulfstream G650 airplane so that Pastors Creflo and Taffi (his wife) and World Changers Church International can continue to blanket the globe with the Gospel of grace,” Dollar’s website said. “We are believing for 200,000 people to give contributions of 300 US dollars or more to turn this dream into a reality—and allow us to retire the aircraft that served us well for many years.”
Saint Matthew told CNN that like most other requests for funds from “prosperity preachers,” this one was absolutely ridiculous, constituted an affront to God, and made mock of just about everything that Our Lord and Savior said during his brief ministry on the planet Earth.
“The Lord told me in private that as far as he is concerned Dollar can use his feet or ride a donkey for transportation, and if he keeps stealing money from his flock next time both engines will fail on that flying abomination,” said Matthew.
“If bipedal locomotion was good enough for the Son of Man it ought to be good enough for a false prophet who enriches himself while neglecting the poor and oppressed people all around him,” continued the Saint. “The Savior would never use such language but I think the dude is an asshole. I know from talking to Lucifer that he has ‘a whole theme park full of red delights’ waiting for these money-grubbing bastards.”
When he was informed of the funding denial, “Pastor” Dollar quickly sent up a prayer for funds to purchase a much less expensive jet, a 2012 Learjet 60, which he claimed he could pick up for around 12 million.
Jesus is reported to have replied, “Nigga please!”
Pretty sure that this page was created by Tony and Mike. Creative direction from Cory Bernardi and Fred Nile. #putliberalslast
“Masturbation is a sin. Self-sexing is not only bad for your physical and mental health, but also destroys your spiritual wellbeing. If you ring the devil’s doorbell, Satan will open up Hell’s gates and drag you in! The same principle also applies to men: if you touch your sin stick, you are buying a one way ticket to the fiery inferno. Take the pledge to be pure in body and mind TODAY!!”
God bless you all – Tony and Mike
WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – Thanks to a timely seminar at CPAC, or as it is commonly known A Confederacy of Dunces, an extensive nationwide network of Satan’s minions has been exposed. The henchmen from hell come from all walks of life but appear to be concentrated in the health and fitness, rap music, climate science, and thrift store industries.
The meeting was led by the Right Reverend Anus McGregor of Our Lady of Incessant Nonsense Cathedral in Paranoid, Texas. The seminar, titled “Three Easy Ways To Recognize and Stamp Out Satan in Your District,” detailed how GOP representatives could blame Lucifer for just about any concepts or ideas they were unable to grasp or understand.
McGregor gave full credit to Pat Robertson, the multimillionaire servant of Jesus and thoroughbred racing fanatic, for inspiring the seminar.
“Reverend Robertson let us know on his television program how Satan uses his vassals in our everyday lives,” said McGregor. “Pat told us that yoga instructors make you unknowingly pray to Hindu gods, and we all know that Hindus are satanic demons bent on the destruction of all we hold dear. He also told us about how demons could be attached to clothing we buy at thrift stores. All this got me thinking and I came up with some easy solutions.”
Reverend McGregor advised those present at the seminar to instruct cops to investigate and harass every yoga instructor and thrift store manager within their districts until the suspects admitted their connection with the Prince of Darkness.
The investigations bore fruit over the weekend when, after three days of “enhanced interrogation techniques,” yoga instructor China “Cat” Sunflower and her transcendental life partner Jack Straw, a thrift store manager in Wichita, Kansas, confessed that they were indeed employed by the Prince of Darkness.
Ms Sunflower admitted that she was actively trying to “snatch Christian souls for Satan” by making her students unknowingly pray to Ganesha, an elephant-headed Hindu deity that is usually pictured riding a mouse.
“I know it was the wrong thing to do,” said Sunflower, “but Satan can be so persuasive, and he promised a 15% increase in Jack’s thrift store traffic. I just couldn’t turn him down.”
Although no charges have yet been filed, Ms Sunflower and Mr. Straw have been detained and taken to a “black site” for further interrogation.
“We just can’t let Satan get a foothold in our communities,” said Reverend McGregor. “Everywhere I look I see servants of the Antichrist.
“Rap singers, homosexuals, climate scientists, archeologists, atheists, liberals, Democrats, yoga instructors, history teachers, environmentalists, Disney employees, just about everyone in New York and California, and even Beyonce- they’re all in league with Mephistopheles!”raved the fruitcake minister.
CPAC organizers were so impressed with the seminar that they invited the unhinged minister back for another speech at next year’s conference. The working title for that meeting is “How Satan Uses Fossils to Lead Us Into Hell.”
TUPELO, MISSISSIPPI – (CT&P) – The bigots at the American Family Association have created a handy new interactive map that may assist intelligent people traveling through the Bible Belt in finding isolated pockets of people with whom they can communicate.
The map lists the names and locations of organizations that the AFA believes pose a dire threat to the Christian faith. The names of Atheist, Humanist, “Anti-Christian,” and “homosexual agenda” groups are listed along with their locations. Although the map is national in scope, it is mainly treated as a joke outside the South.
Donald Wildmon, president of the AFA and notorious anti-Semite, told the Jackson Courier that the map was originally designed to help “the KKK, neo-Nazi organizations, and other crazed pseudo Christian rednecks like ourselves locate the headquarters of organizations considered to be enemies of Jesus.”
“We had hoped that publicizing the organizations that don’t hold our antiquated and bigoted views would help our allies locate, harass, and beat the shit out of members of these groups, but the plan kind of backfired on us.”
It seems that instead of idiots using the site like the AFA intended, intelligent folk traveling through the South have used it as a tool to make donations and make new friends with people who are actually able to reason.
The Courier interviewed several travelers to get their take on the map.
“The map has been a lifesaver for me,” said Vince Snetterton Lewis, an intellectual from Portland, Oregon. “There just aren’t too many places in the Bible Belt where you can sit down and have an intelligent conversation. The last time I drove through the South I went from Memphis all the way to Atlanta without stopping to urinate. You never know who you’re going to run into down there.”
Stig O’Tracy, an intellectual from Los Angeles, California said, “Have you seen the fucking billboards down there? I don’t dare stop unless I check the map first. I drive a hybrid with California plates. That’s probably enough to get the death penalty in some jurisdictions.”
Wildmon said that he hopes that what he called “abuse” of the interactive map would stop after certain alterations are made.
“We plan to try to make the site accessible only to certified Christians who agree with our whacked-out ideas,” said Wildmon. “We haven’t figured that one out yet but maybe some kind of thumbprint id system could be used.”
“Once we do that, we intend on publishing the membership lists of all these groups along with home addresses and phone numbers. That way we can visit these heretics and dole out some of God’s love just like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition did.”
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.
“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”
God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.
Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.
His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”
After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.
Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.
The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”
“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”
“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”
“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”
“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”
Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.
In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.
“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.
When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”
Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.
“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.
“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.
“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.
“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”
“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.
MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.
Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.
“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”
Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.
Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia. The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.
“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”
Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.
“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”
As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.
“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.
On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.
“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”
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