– (CT&P) – Members of the Religion of Peace hacked another blogger to death in Bangladesh earlier today as part of a campaign designed to show the world that peace, love, and tolerance represent the very foundations of Islam.
Ananta Bijoy Das, a blogger who advocated secularism, was attacked by four machete-wielding assailants in the northeastern district of Sylhet on Tuesday morning, senior police official Mohammad Rahamatullah told Reuters.
Rahamatullah said that the assailants were screaming “God is a great dude who lusts after the blood of anyone who disagrees with our fucked-up philosophy,” and “Remember the 7th century! Let’s go back!” as they hacked Das into pieces small enough to be placed into a battery-powered blender that a fifth attacker was carrying in a knapsack.
Das was a 33-year-old banker and editor of science magazine “Jukti,” which means “logic,” and on the advisory board of “Mukto Mona” (Free Mind), a website propagating rationalism and opposing fundamentalism that was founded by U.S.-based blogger Avijit Roy.
Das is the third blogger to be dismembered in the name of the beloved peace-loving pedophile Prophet Muhammad in broad daylight by followers of the all merciful one true sadistic and murderous god Allah.
Roy himself was hacked to death in February while returning home with his wife from a Dhaka book fair, and on March 30, Washiqur Rahman, another secular blogger who aired his outrage over Roy’s death on social media, was killed in similar fashion in the capital, Dhaka.
Roy’s widow, Rafida Bonya Ahmed, who was maimed in the attack and is in hiding in the United States, told Reuters Das’ case was similar to that of her husband.
“We told him so many times you need to be careful, because these dumbass sadistic religious fanatics are a dime a dozen in countries like Bangladesh, but he just thought that this was his passion, what he was supposed to do, and he had been doing it for a long time,” she said.
Ahmed said she would not be surprised if more bloggers were targeted. “Because the killers know they can get away with this, it will continue to happen,” she said. “This is serial killing by a bunch of religious zealot assholes that want to return to the good old days of the 7th century.”
According to monitoring service SITE Intelligence Group, Islamist militant group Ansar al-Islam Bangladesh said al Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent (AQIS) had claimed responsibility for the attack.
In a statement released this afternoon, AQIS said that the attacks will continue until “everyone on earth accepts our version of Islam and we are allowed to burn all western books, treat women like dogs, murder any homosexuals we come across, and marry as many goats as we see fit. Only then will Allah’s love and blessings be bestowed on our planet and everyone will live in equal misery and ignorance.”
VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – After his normal Friday lunch with Pope Francis, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to discuss world events and crises with members of the international press corps. The deity expressed concern over ongoing problems in Ukraine, the Middle East, and David Cameron’s shocking reelection in Great Britain.
“I don’t know what the hell those people were thinking re-electing that two-faced Tory aristocrat,” said God. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson by now.”
When a reporter from Fox News asked the Creator and Ruler of the Universe what he thought was accomplished by America’s National Day of Prayer yesterday, God responded, “Not a damn thing as far as I can tell.”
“Frankly, I’m sick and tired of it,” said the Supreme Being. “It’s not enough that I have to field requests every damn day about Little Johnny’s toenail fungus and Aunt Lizzie’s sick chickens, not to mention the millions of teenage boys praying that they lose their virginity before graduation, and the gazillions of requests for cash I get on an hourly basis. No, you guys have to go and proclaim a special day where everybody stops what the hell they’re doing and bombards my ass with all kinds of ridiculous requests.”
“My advice to you talking monkeys is that you take advantage of millions of years of natural selection and use your huge brains to come up with some of your own solutions to your problems. In other words, if you want something done, then get off your ass and do it! I’m busy trying to run a universe here. I’ve got better things to do than listen to you sniveling cretins in sagging skin sacks. I mean, shit!”
God then apologized to reporters and explained that he had to leave because he was due in the Andromeda galaxy to supervise a planet-wide referendum on third trimester abortions by the Reptile People.
DARMSTADT, GERMANY – (CT&P) – From a dark and foreboding castle deep in the Odenwald, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice president on Monday, becoming the first declared female candidate to seek the Republican Party’s nomination for second-in-command.
“Yes, I am running,” Fiorina said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “I think I’m the best person for the job because I understand how unemployment benefits actually work. I understand the world, and all those lazy bastards who don’t have jobs in it.”
The ex-Silicon Valley executive and long-shot contender has never held public office. In 2010, she unsuccessfully ran for Senate in California, losing to Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer.
However, Fiorina thinks her lack of political experience and vicious incompetence in business makes her the right choice for vice president.
“I’m the perfect candidate for the job because I have little or no empathy for average Americans, and I’ll be able to deflect criticism from a Republican president when the party repeals Obamacare, guts social safety nets, criminalizes women’s reproductive rights, and leads us into war with Iran,” said the bizarre-looking Fiorina.
“I’m really excited to be part of a group of xenophobic science deniers who want to turn the United States into a nightmarish theocracy run by a combination of religious zealots and huge, faceless corporations who ship all their meaningful jobs overseas,” said the twitching Fiorina.
“I know there are several other unfeeling, pompous ass lunatics running for vice president, but I think I proved I’m the right kook for the job by firing thousands of workers and botching a merger deal while I was at HP. Hey, if I didn’t do a good job then how come I got that 21 million when I slinked away?”
As optimistic as she comes across in interviews, Fiorina has a snowball’s chance in Hell of becoming vice president.
At this point, it would be hard for Fiorina’s poll numbers to be lower, and most pundits believe that whoever wins the Republican nomination would choose an ISIS terrorist before teaming up with her.
Jason Burnett, grandson of Hewlett-Packard co-founder David Packard and mayor of Carmel, California, told CNN, “She fucked up a great company and I don’t want to see her fuck up a great country. That miscreant needs to stay in her castle with all the rest of the good doctor’s flawed creations.”
SOME NASTY ASS CAVE IN THE DESERT – (CT&P) – On Tuesday, ISIS took to its radio station, WKIL, to boast that the bumbling idiots who attacked the Muhammad Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest in Garland, Texas, on Sunday night were “two soldiers of the caliphate.” The claim, which has not yet been verified by any American officials, is the first attack on American soil for which the terror group has taken responsibility, but ISIS vowed it would not be the last.
During his morning drive-time program, Abdul-Aziz Asad Bouhtros Boutros Boutros Boutros Haddad Skyhook (which roughly translates to “he who lusts after young female goats”) read a statement from the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board that said that ISIS had recruited hundreds of disaffected young Muslims throughout the United States and would use these human time bombs to “bring America to its knees” like a “camel in heat.”
“We tell America that what is coming will be even bigger and more bitter, and that you will see the soldiers of the Islamic State do terrible things. We have already ruined your economy by creating income inequality, we are responsible for the ongoing destruction of the polar ice caps, our agents within the police force and black community are burning your cities to the ground, and all this is just the beginning!” said Skyhook as foamed at the mouth.
“We have young, ideologically pure soldiers of the caliphate in place in all of your elementary and middle schools, and we are set to unleash them at any time! Prepare for the ‘Mother of All Class Disruptions!’ You vile infidels will reap the reward for your imperialist invasions, the theft of our blessed and merciful fossils fuels, and your fucking fast food franchises now dotting the Middle East. Die Great Satan!”
Skyhook then had to cut to traffic to report an overturned camel on the road to Mecca.
Federal investigators have yet to confirm that the two men who conducted the attack in Garland have any connections to ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or one of the gazillion half-ass terrorist splinter groups trying to earn brownie points by murdering defenseless civilians.
“At this time we have no reason to believe that these two clowns had any connections to anything other than Twitter and Facebook,” said FBI Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III. “About the only thing they had in common was a low IQ and an inability to plan even the simplest terrorist attack. Hell, they barely even got out of their fucking car before they were turned into Swiss cheese,” chuckled Zimbalist.
When asked about the claims made by the Islamic State Parks and Recreation Board on WKIL, Zimbalist told journalists that he wasn’t overly concerned.
“You have to remember who we’re dealing with here. Neanderthals would score higher on the SAT. So don’t worry; these imbeciles couldn’t find their asses with both hands,” said Zimbalist.
DETROIT – (CT&P) – An unidentified black man who according to authorities appeared “dangerously unbalanced” rented a ballroom in downtown Detroit on Monday and insisted to people wandering in off the street that he was running for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.
The man claimed to be a former neurosurgeon and said that God had told him in a dream that he should run for president.
He then made a two-hour long rambling, disjointed speech that was interspersed with a gospel choir singing rap songs that had been ‘cleaned up’ for purposes of the event.
Among other things, the unhinged black gentleman said that the United States now resembled Nazi Germany, the Affordable Care Act was the worst thing since slavery, and that President Obama was a socialist dictator who was bent on taking over Texas and other parts of the southwest.
Authorities investigating the event told CNN that although the man did not appear to be dangerous, they were keeping a close eye on his comings and goings and had alerted federal agencies that a lunatic posing as a politician was now on the campaign trail.
Detroit Police Chief James Craig told a reporter from the Detroit Free Press that they first became aware of the event when concerned citizens began calling 911 saying that some crazy black man was running around the city claiming to be a Republican.
“When we heard that, we knew we had a real nut on our hands,” said Chief Craig. “No self-respecting black person would ever vote for those cretins. So we sent some plainclothes officers down to this event he was having to find out just what the hell was going on.”
“My officers reported that the man appeared to be mentally ill because he kept raving that evolution was a myth and the earth was only 6,000 years old. He also told the audience that fossils were the work of Satan and related some wacked-out story about Noah putting dinosaurs on the Ark. I mean, this guy is hanging on to his sanity by a thread,” said Craig.
Chief Craig said that they decided not to arrest the man because he appeared harmless and very few people in Detroit took him seriously.
“We’re questioning some young white Jesus Freaks who helped set up the event, and we hope to discover just who this guy really is so we can do some background checks, but at this time no charges will be filed,” said Craig.
PARADISE – (CT&P) – The Prophet Muhammad spoke with reporters outside Paradise this morning to express his regret over the failed attack on the “Draw Muhammad” contest in Garland, Texas yesterday.
“I’m really disappointed that the attackers were so fucking incompetent that they didn’t even manage to get out of their goddamn car,” said Muhammad, last messenger of Allah the Most Merciful. “If this had happened in Baghdad the whole fucking building would have been destroyed along with all those infidel artists and their families. It’s just hard to get good help in America. No one wants to work. Hell, half the population is on foods stamps!”
Muhammad also took the opportunity to complain about recent depictions and artist’s renderings of himself.
“I’d like to emphasize that most of these artists have it all wrong. I am a much more handsome guy than these idiots depict. I have high cheekbones, an aquiline nose, and perfect facial symmetry. My shoulders are strong and broad, and my beard is always well-groomed and most of the time free of lice. And I tell you something else, there’s not a goat on the planet that can resist my ‘come hither’ look.”
Although the incompetent gunmen were unable to gain entry to the building housing the event, a security guard and one policeman were injured at the entrance before the jumpy jihadis died in a hail of gunfire. Reports are now surfacing that, as is always the case, at least one of the idiots was known to the FBI before the attack.
Many news outlets are condemning the organizers of the event, saying that it was unwise and unnecessarily provocative, while others are saying that it is yet another shining example of Islam’s less-than-stellar record when it comes to free speech, equality for women, treatment of homosexuals, basic human rights, or just about any other fucking thing valued by modern society.
Before closing his press conference, Muhammad made it clear that he did not mind people drawing him as long as the depictions were flattering.
“Look, I really don’t give a shit whether people draw me or not; I personally could care less, but if they are gonna do it, at least get it right. I’m actually a very pretty dude. Now you’ll have to excuse me so I can get back to my virgins. They are a very demanding bevy of bitches.”
MOSUL – (CT&P) – Representatives from the Islamic State Sex Workers Union told reporters from Al Jazeera and CNN this morning that unless immediate steps were taken to improve pay and working conditions they would have to call a general strike.
Vincent van Goat, president of the union, and union spokeswoman Muriel appeared before journalists in Mosul this morning to list their grievances with Islamic State fighters and support personnel.
“We have provided the very best service any terrorist could expect considering the conditions out here in this Allah-forsaken wasteland,” said Muriel.
“We’ve shown our loyalty by following these lice-ridden religious zealots all over the desert providing comfort and favors to them before, after, and in some cases even during battle. Do you know how difficult it is to perform oral sex when a drone is hovering over your head?”
“That’s right,” said van Goat. “The Islamic State owes us at least the dignity of a living wage and better working conditions. Our nannies are sick and tired of having to strip and dance around deep inside escape tunnels and in hastily dug trenches out in the searing heat. And our billies are damn sick and tired of having their beards pulled during sex. It’s an insult.”
“We at least want some nice air-conditioned tents and a reliable source of grain and water before we continue the mission,” said Muriel. “And we want a Hooker’s Bill of Rights enforced by the Islamic State Labor Department that assures, among other things, that customers won’t use our horns as leverage during sex. That’s not what they’re there for!”
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, supreme leader of ISIS and a regular customer, responded to the demands via shortwave radio from deep inside his command cave somewhere out in the middle of fucking nowhere.
“I want to assure the leaders of the ISSWU and all its members that we are sorry for the rough treatment they have received in recent months and we will do everything in our power to make them happy. I was completely unaware of the problem. My precious Snowball has never voiced any of these concerns to me personally, but then again she is not out on the front lines like most of her coworkers.”
“I have issued orders that anyone mistreating an ungulate while having sexual relations with him or her will be burned alive or buried in the sand up to the neck near an ant bed. I feel this should take care of the problem at least for the time being,” said Baghdadi.
“I also want to apologize on behalf of my fighters. You have to remember that they are only stone-age savages who until recently were wiping their asses with their left hands. At least the Americans left plenty of toilet paper around along with all those weapons so that’s not a problem anymore. Anyway, you can rest assured that conditions will improve for all sex workers doing business in the Islamic State. Now tell me, who’s your Baghdadi?”
The ISSWU issued a press release this afternoon that stated if the reforms mentioned in al-Baghdadi‘s speech were adopted immediately there would be no need for a strike and sexual favors would continue unabated across battlefields and rear areas throughout the Middle East.
“We’re all relieved that the Supreme Leader has taken quick and forceful action,” said Muriel. “A work stoppage is the last thing anyone wants. We have families to support and we really don’t want to deny any terrorist at least a blow job before he’s immolated by an exploding tank or blown to smithereens by an American drone. It’s the least we can do for these idiots.”
MOSCOW -(CT&P) – A Kremlin spokesman has announced that former New York Times journalist and propaganda specialist for the Bush Administration Judith Miller will be joining Vladimir Putin’s staff in early fall. Miller’s job will be to justify in print Russia’s aggressive incursions into foreign countries and the seizure of large swathes of territory formerly belonging to Ukraine.
The spokesman told members of the Russian press, who were forced to attend “on pain of torture,” that Miller will also be tasked with writing flowery articles about the love felt for the Russian people by citizens of Chechnya, the former Soviet satellite states of Lithuania, Estonia, and Latvia, and the Balkans.
“We felt that Ms Miller’s experience in convincing an entire population to go to war for no apparent reason would really serve us well in the years to come,” said the spokesman. “She’ll be invaluable to us as we seek to justify land grabs and the suppression of minorities as we expand our territory and influence around the globe.”
Miller, who was in Novosibirsk at the time attending “re-education and indoctrination” courses at the University of Siberia, told reporters from TASS that she was “overjoyed” to be able to get a job as journalist again.
“I’m too happy for words,” said Miller. “I can’t wait to serve the people of Russia and President Putin. I have always been in awe of your president and his ability to always make the correct decision in any and all situations. He’s always been one of my heroes, and he’s sexy as hell too!”
Miller will be working in the Propaganda Ministry and will have direct access to the president and his aides, who will be censoring her work on a daily basis. Her official position will be that of ‘Right Wing Lackey,’ a job title she should be quite used to by now.
AUSTIN, TEXAS – (CT&P) – As Operation Jade Helm nears, Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) has put the Texas National Guard and various militia units on high alert in anticipation of a possible takeover by U.N. troops and members of Islamic extremist groups imported from the Middle East.
“We can’t afford to be taken by surprise by Obama’s Army of the New World Order who intend to, with the help of U.S. Special Forces, take away our guns and institute Sharia law,” said the unhinged governor. “This is just the first step in subjugating the American people and making them slaves to foreign countries. Obama has been planning this for years, and now it looks like the operation is underway.”
Operation Jade Helm is the name for a long-planned military exercise spanning nine states and involving over 1200 special forces troops from four branches of the military. However, many weak-minded Tea Party fanatics, dunderhead Texans, and various doltish militia groups believe that it is a thinly veiled attempt to bring America to its knees by declaring martial law and confiscating citizen’s beloved firearms.
The Pentagon has done its best to allay these fears, going so far as to send out officers to assure idiots, cretins, imbeciles, and other Tea Baggers living in Texas that the exercise is meant to help the military become more proficient at protecting the very morons who are protesting.
At a meeting in Bastrop, Texas, a small dusty town known as “Turdville” to those living in surrounding communities, Lt. Colonel Mark Lastoria answered questions for two hours from a crowd of more than 150 people at a special meeting of the Bastrop County Commissioners, hoping to allay locals’ concerns that the training operation is a way for the federal government to take over Texas and much of the Southwest, but the wise citizens of Bastrop weren’t falling for the obvious misinformation campaign.
Lastoria was told that he couldn’t be trusted and was asked whether Jade Helm 15 will involve bringing foreign fighters from the Islamic State to Texas, whether U.S. troops will confiscate Texans’ guns and whether the Army intends to implement martial law through the exercise. (The answer for all three was no.)
“It’s the same thing that happened in Nazi Germany. You get the people used to the troops on the street, the appearance of uniformed troops and the militarization of the police,” said Bob Wells, a Bastrop resident, after the meeting. “They’re gathering intelligence. That’s what they’re doing. And they’re moving logistics in place for martial law. That’s my feeling. Now I could be wrong. I hope I am wrong. I hope I’m a ‘conspiracy theorist.’”
Bob’s hopes and dreams have apparently come true, because he is indeed a paranoid dumbfuck conspiracy theorist on par with people like Alex Jones and Glenn Beck.
Throughout his presentation, Lastoria stressed that Jade Helm 15 is a routine exercise to prepare the United States for the difficulties of modern warfare, in which soldiers must maneuver through civilian populations rather than fight on a pitched battlefield. Texas, which he noted is 10 percent larger than Afghanistan, has an ideal topography, Lastoria said.
“The terrain is very challenging and it’s going to make our soldiers sweat, and sweating in peacetime is what we want because it’s going to reduce the bleeding in wartime,” he said.
After the meeting Lastoria expressed his concern that the Pentagon was spending so much time and money training troops to protect such a miserable group of paranoid redneck twits.
Lastoria, who is from Pennsylvania, told CNN that “If this is a representative sample of the residents of Texas, then I say we let them secede and form their own miserable country. I haven’t seen this level of paranoia and stupidity since we conducted Operation Circle Jerk in the panhandle of Florida. It’s really distressing.”
Meanwhile in Austin Governor Abbott has scheduled a series of meetings with General Byron Buttplug, commander of the Texas National Guard, to plan a coordinated response once blue-helmeted U.N. troops appear and try to take over Dallas and other major Texas cities.
“I want to assure all Texans that we are ready to meet this threat,” said Abbott. “We will fight to the last man, woman, and child in order to keep Texas the backwards-ass state it’s been since we joined the Union.”
The plan calls for every able-bodied Texan to take up arms and kill anyone who looks like he could be from a foreign country or sympathetic to the current administration. If all else fails, all units are to converge on Glenn Beck’s Westlake home in order to make a desperate last stand against the forces of evil.
KATHMANDU, NEPAL – (CT&P) – A majorly pissed off Jehovah visited his wrath upon Nepal on Saturday in the form of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake centered approximately 50 kilometers to the northwest of Kathmandu, the capital.
Over 4,000 pagans are known dead, and the toll continues to rise as volunteers continue to dig through the debris of the unbeliever’s homes and heathen temples. Over one million idolatrous children are said to have been affected by the vicious and unfeeling act of God.
A senior official in Gorkha district, the location of the earthquake’s epicenter, told the AP he had heard reports of 70% of the blasphemer’s houses being destroyed.
“Things are really bad in the district, especially in remote mountain villages,” Udav Prashad Timalsin said. “There are apostates who are not getting food and shelter.”
In the capital, water is becoming scarce and there are fears that sinful children in particular could be at risk of disease. Even residents of some of the city’s Republican upper class neighborhoods are sleeping on carpets and mattresses outside their homes.
Aid flights are coming in rapidly and in fact Kathmandu airport is running out of parking bays, so many aircraft are having to wait before getting permission to land.
At the Pashupatinath temple, one of the city’s oldest and most famous shrines to evil, cremations have been taking place since the morning. As the death toll rises, the authorities are keen on disposing of the bodies as quickly as possible to prevent a health hazard.
Although seismologists have warned that a large quake was overdue in Nepal, American preachers were quick to jump in to explain that seismologists were scientists and therefore could not be trusted. They insist the earthquake had nothing at all to do with plate tectonics but was the direct result of the Nepalese adopting religious beliefs that differed from their own.
Pastor Tony Miano of California-based Unhinged Ministries said that God was tired of people not following the King James Bible to the letter and refusing to obey God’s instructions delivered by ex-cops and wealthy television evangelists. He tweeted that he hoped not a single pagan shrine would be rebuilt and the people of Nepal would repent and worship the “Baby Jesus” from now on.
“Those people with their wacked-out new age religion are an affront to God,” said Miano. “It’s no wonder that Jehovah got pissed off and flattened their cities. Those people are idol worshipers and they’re just downright evil. Especially the kids.”
Pat Robertson offered a more reasoned explanation for the widespread devastation and loss of life on his hit TV show The 700 Club. Robertson was asked by a caller “why God didn’t take out more of those unbelievers like he did them Haitians?”
Robertson explained that God killed a lot more Haitians because they had entered into a contract directly with Satan by practicing voodoo.
“Just sitting around meditating and making weird noises is not near as bad as sticking pins in dolls and wandering around covered in goat’s blood looking like a zombie,” said Robertson. “Our God is a just deity and he didn’t want to punish these uneducated sherpas as badly as he did those evil minions of Lucifer in Haiti. After all, God is love.”
The earthquake also wreaked havoc on Mount Everest where 18 climbers, including four Americans, were killed by an avalanche at Base Camp.
The Reverend Franklin “I used to do drugs and hang out but finally figured out that I could make big bucks preaching the Gospel” Graham told CNN that the deaths on Everest were a direct result of Americans placing adventure travel above staying home and supporting extreme right-wing politics.
“It’s just a tragedy that God had to take this extraordinary action, but maybe it will teach everyone a lesson,” said Graham. “Maybe people will come to their senses and devote their lives to preventing homosexuals from getting married and eliminating health insurance for the poor instead of running all over the world climbing mountains.”
Meanwhile in Nepal aid is pouring in from all over the planet as the area experiences multiple aftershocks. The death toll will no doubt continue to climb, but at least the rest of the world can take comfort from the fact that almost all of the victims were pagans destined to burn in the fires of Hell anyway.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News personality Eric Bolling has been placed on a transplant list so he will be eligible to receive a new forebrain sometime in the near future. Although Bolling has exhibited symptoms of frontal lobe decay dating back to his first appearances on Fox, lately his ability to form coherent thoughts has deteriorated so badly that physicians now think he is a good candidate for a prefrontal cortex transplant.
Most of the physicians who have examined Bolling think that the transplant is his only hope of continuing his on-air career, because if he continues to deteriorate he will soon lose all higher brain function.
The prefrontal cortex is absolutely critical to the normal functioning of human brains. The most typical term for actions carried out by the area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social “control” (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).
Among other problems, Bolling has consistently exhibited symptoms of a disease that psychologists call “Obama Derangement Syndrome,” a debilitating disease that has affected millions of old white people across the country, and is particularly prevalent among Fox News employees and viewers. Symptoms include an inability to engage in critical thought, an urge to blame President Obama for everything from catching a cold to the end of civilization as we know it, and knee-jerk opposition to the president no matter what he says or does.
“We saw a similar syndrome with liberals when Bush was in office,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. Dr. Lizardo is leader of the team responsible for finding and transplanting brain matter from cadavers into people suffering from the disease.
“These unfortunate imbeciles are completely unaware that they are behaving like a paramecium subjected to a jolt of electricity. They just see Obama and automatically recoil like a dim-witted bovine licking an electric fence for the first time”
“We think that the disease gains a foothold in the forebrain because most of these folks are bigoted assholes, and then their overall ignorance and stupidity allows the syndrome to blossom into a full-blown malady that prevents them from being able to think at all. It’s tragic.”
Although Bolling is by no means the only Fox News employee currently suffering from the disorder, he exhibits the most extreme symptoms by far.
“He started out behind the eight ball because he was such an ignorant fuck to begin with,” said Lizardo. “And now ODS has effectively turned him into a babbling idiot. We expect that he will soon be wearing a diaper if we don’t get him a new brain really quickly.”
Although many transplant recipients have to wait months for new organs, Lizardo said that new brain parts are relatively easy to come by and are a breeze to install because they are replacing such decrepit parts to begin with.
“We’re not dealing with rocket scientists here,” said Lizardo. “Even a decomposing cortex from an uneducated cretin would be an improvement for Bolling. We’ll have the son of bitch back on The Five spouting infantile nonsense in no time.”
MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Researchers at the Banzai Institute have confirmed that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is slowly changing into a gigantic cane toad, or Rhinella marina.
“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, leader of the research team, “we analyzed tissue samples from Mr. Limbaugh, and he is definitely undergoing a metamorphosis into a colossal toad.”
Cane toads are giant neotropical toads native to Central and South America, but have been introduced into other parts of the world and are considered one of the most destructive invasive species on earth. Australia in particular has an immense cane toad problem.
“You can’t imagine how evil these little blokes are,” said Dr. Bruce Bruce from Humpybong University in Queensland. “They’re full of venom that kills just about anything that eats them, and they reproduce like rabbits. Hell, even the crocs know better than to fuck with them. They’re taking over the entire country!”
Professor Hikita told CNN that it makes perfect sense that Limbaugh is starting to resemble a cane toad, because he’s been spewing a very similar venom on the radio for so long.
“Limbaugh has shown that he has an almost endless supply of malevolent venom at his disposal, and it’s almost identical to the milky white bufotoxin secreted by glands on the cane toad,” said Hikita. “We think that Limbaugh has similar glands that collect the toxin from the thick layer of adipose tissue that covers every square inch of Limbaugh’s elephantine body. Then, when he gets in front of a microphone, all that venom is spewed out like a toxic geyser.”
Hikita said that Limbaugh had been warned of his condition on several occasions by his physician that “things weren’t quite right”, and to go through life without an ounce of sympathy for his fellow man was a recipe for disaster, but Limbaugh has steadfastly maintained that nothing is wrong with him.
“It’s not unusual for pompous assholes to have that attitude,” said Hikita. “Just look at Bill O’Reilly. He’s been a horse’s ass so long he’s actually beginning to look like one on television. It’s sad.”
Hikita offered no real solutions for Limbaugh’s dilemma other than euthanasia, which is unlikely. But he warned the citizens of South Florida that a 350 lb cane toad could do serious environmental damage if allowed to escape and wander around the area.
“If you happen to hear him on the radio, the best thing to do is turn the damn thing off before you yourself become infected,” said the professor. “It’s a fate worse than death.”
WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside Koch Industries World Domination Headquarters in Wichita, Kansas, a spokesman for the Koch brothers told reporters that a dedicated team has been assembled to purchase nuclear weapons from former Soviet satellite states. Another team has been tasked to begin research and development of a modern version of the old Cold War neutron bombs made so popular by former President Ronald Reagan.
Dr. Raymond Turd, head of the company’s weapons division, said that around three dozen operatives were now scouring the old Soviet Union and Eastern Bloc countries for briefcase bombs and other “battlefield nukes,” such as atomic artillery shells, nuclear-capable short-range surface to surface missiles, and nuclear depth charges.
When asked why the Kochs felt the need to acquire nukes, Dr. Turd explained that the brothers were sick and tired of dealing with people who did not agree with their policies and their plans to turn America into a giant oligarchy with Koch Industries as its leader.
“The brothers are getting up there in age,” said Dr. Turd, “and they are fed up with pumping billions of dollars into a political system that still relies on the old-fashioned ideas of democracy and rule of law. The fact that poor people are allowed to vote has always griped their asses. So they have decided to cut to the chase and simply wipe out the opposition with nuclear bombs, starting with urban areas and the capitals of blue states.”
“We’re really excited by the idea of a new suite of neutron bombs,” continued Turd. “That way, we can kill all human and animal life in liberal areas of the country and colonize the undamaged cities with young right-wing wacko couples who have signed agreements to breed like hell. It’s truly and inspired plan.”
Apparently the plan has been on the drawing board at Koch Industries for quite some time, but was never taken too seriously until Hillary announced she was running on the Democrat ticket. With the 2016 presidential election looming, Koch’s “Committee of Public Safety,” led by one of the Koch’s distant cousins known only as “Robespierre,” initiated “Operation Dropkick,” as the plan is called within the Empire.
“None of us really thought they would go through with it because of the labor shortage and clean up costs associated with killing all those people, but when the brothers saw the lineup of Republican clowns running for president, they just threw up their hands and said ‘fuck it,’” said Dr. Turd.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – According to sources within the Pentagon, it has been discovered that the vaunted F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to use fuel from standard green colored USAF fuel trucks if they have been sitting in the sun for any period of time, because the fuel is too warm. Considering that these jets will most likely find themselves operating in the desert or in somewhere in the scorching Pacific, this is a big problem.
The F-35 fuel temperature problem is only the latest in a long line of “teething issues” to befall the trillion-dollar machine.
The fighter has had a litany of roll-out problems such as its inability to fire its cannon until sometime in 2018, a tendency for the aircraft to fly upside down, and a propensity for the computer system to completely shutdown at any time for no apparent reason. Some pilots have also reported that communication systems aboard the aircraft automatically tune into easy listening radio stations when the craft is flown near large cities.
Pentagon officials are currently scrambling to come up with a fix for the fuel issue, but in the meantime maintenance crews at various air force bases are being forced to take matters into their own hands.
“We painted the refuelers white to reduce the temperature of fuel being delivered to the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter,” said Senior Airman Jacob Hartman, 56th LRS fuels distribution operator at Luke AFB in Glendale, Arizona. “The F-35 has a fuel temperature threshold and may not function properly if the fuel temperature is too high, so after collaborating with other bases and receiving waiver approval from AETC, we painted the tanks white.”
“It’s a real pain in the butt and unnerving as well,” continued Hartman. “In the unlikely event that any of these flying garbage bins makes it to front-line duty someday, who the hell wants to be driving around in a giant bomb painted bright white? We might as well paint a fucking bull’s eye on the trucks.”
Pentagon experts are wary of trying to correct the problem on the aircraft itself, because every time someone fiddles with any of the plane’s systems, something else goes to shit. So different ways of keeping the fuel cool are being bandied about.
When interviewed by CNN, air force General Buck Turgidson, who is in charge of the F-35 program, said that “Right now we’re considering converting a fleet of ice cream trucks into tankers that could service the plane. But in the long run, we think we can convince Congress to build about 2500 giant refrigerated warehouses in ‘hot spots’ all around the globe and park the refueling trucks inside those. It would cost millions of dollars, but hell, those suckers give us every cent we ask for anyway.”
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Former U.S. House Representative Michele Bachmann will be launched into outer space in early June, according to anonymous sources within John Boehner’s office and officials from Space Exploration Technologies Company, the private corporation founded by billionaire Elon Musk. The ex-congresswoman from Minnesota will depart planet earth aboard a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket specifically tasked with placing Bachmann in a stable orbit around earth until sometime after the 2016 presidential election.
“The plan is to jettison Bachmann as soon as the Dragon spacecraft achieves near-earth orbit,” said Gwynne Shotwell, president and CEO of SpaceX. “She’ll stay there, in a stable orbit, for approximately 18 months, tethered to a supply capsule with enough oxygen and Tang to sustain basic bodily functions and a bare minimum of brain activity. She should be able to function in about the same manner as she does here on earth.”
When asked what Bachmann will be doing all that time, Shotwell said, “Not much. She’ll just spin around and around in empty space like Sandra Bullock in Gravity. We’re going equip her with communications equipment to report any anomalies she might encounter, but the whole idea of putting her up there is to make her shut her fucking mouth, so I doubt if anyone will be listening anyway.”
The idea of launching Bachmann into space originated in Speaker of the House John Boehner’s office. An aide to the speaker told CNN that Boehner and the Republican leadership had heard enough of her “kooky shit” to last a lifetime, and didn’t want “that crazy bitch” to screw up the GOP’s chances in the upcoming election.
Things apparently came to a head last week after Bachmann appeared on something called End Times Radio claiming President Obama was bringing about the end of the world by negotiating a nuclear treaty with Iran. She also raved on and on about “God’s time clock,” whatever the hell that is supposed to be.
As if she had not already appeared absolutely unhinged, Bachmann then claimed that Muslims have lusted after an atomic bomb for hundreds of years, apparently unaware that the damn things were invented during World War II.
“The woman is clearly bat-shit crazy and there’s no telling what kind of black eye she could give our candidate in the upcoming election,” said the aide to Boehner. “We’re already having a hard enough time with Cruz, Huckabee, and Carson making it look like the whole party belongs on a mental ward. This election is just too damn important to screw up, so we decided to launch the bitch into space. We debated whether we could just drown her and claim she was a witch, but we decided that would be unethical even by our standards, so we settled on the space thing.”
Mrs Bachmann has been told that she will be performing a critical task for her country by circling the globe watching out for near-earth asteroids and other threats to the globe. She told Sean Hannity of Fox News that she could not be more delighted with the mission.
“Sean, I’m thrilled to be of service to my country and to Christians everywhere,” said Bachmann. “It’s a real honor that I will be the first human being to see the giant rock that Jesus is going throw at us to kick off the End Time festivities. I just can’t wait until the entire planet is consumed by war, famine and pestilence, and adults and children all over the world are immolated in the raging flames of God’s holy love. I think it’s great!”
Although SpaceX has no immediate plans for placing anyone else into orbit around the earth, Musk has voiced a desire to colonize LV-426, a planetoid 37 light years away in the binary star system Zeta Reticulli. Idiot politicians and pundits on both sides of the aisle are high on his list of potential expedition members.
MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yesterday Florida Senator Marco Rubio told an thrilled auditorium in Miami that he had decided to run for president in 2016. Marco kicked off his campaign by making a three-hour long speech to the auditorium in which he outlined his many original ideas for governing and all the progressive policies he would support as president.
“I have heard some suggest that I should step aside and wait my turn, but I cannot,” Rubio said to the auditorium. “Because I believe our very identity as an exceptional nation is at stake, and I can make a difference as president, if anyone ever notices that I am running.”
Early in his speech, which echoed off the walls and around the empty room, making it difficult for the auditorium to understand, Rubio took a swing at Hillary Clinton, who had announced her candidacy on Sunday.
“Just yesterday, a leader from yesterday began a campaign for president by promising to take us back to yesterday,” Rubio told the rows of empty seats. “But yesterday is over, and we are never going back to yesterday. Yesterday, all our troubles seemed so far away, now it seems as if they’re here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday!”
The auditorium appeared confused by Rubio’s nonsensical comments but quickly received clarification from the master orator.
“We can’t move on to tomorrow by going back to the leaders and ideas of last night. We must change the decisions we are making today by changing the people who made them last week.” Rubio added. “That is why today, grounded by the lessons of Saturday afternoon, and inspired by the promise of the day after tomorrow, I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America, beginning a week from Wednesday.”
The auditorium, intoxicated by Rubio’s flowery rhetoric and exhilarated to be the first in a long line of empty rooms to hear Rubio speak, erupted in a crescendo of silence that can only be compared to a white person’s funeral.
Rubio plans to take his Calhounesque oratory skills on the road in order to garner support from a variety of inanimate objects. He is currently scheduled to speak to a series of abandoned buildings, deserted fields and fetid swamps over the next few weeks.
SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA – (CT&P) -A bird flu outbreak that has puzzled farmers and scientists has spread to three more Midwest turkey farms, bringing the number of farms infected to 23 and raising the death toll to more than 1.2 million birds killed by the disease or by authorities scrambling to contain it.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed on Saturday that the H5N2 strain of avian influenza was found among 38,000 birds at a commercial farm in Kandiyohi County in west-central Minnesota. It’s the third confirmed outbreak in Kandiyohi, which is the top turkey producing county in the country’s top turkey producing state.
South Dakota State Veterinarian Dustin Oedekoven said crews were working Saturday to begin euthanizing any birds not killed by the highly contagious strain to prevent the virus from spreading.
Once those birds have been destroyed, the 23 farms in Minnesota, South Dakota, North Dakota, Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas will have lost more than 1.2 million turkeys, a small fraction of the 235 million turkeys produced nationally in 2014. Canadian officials also confirmed earlier in the week that a turkey farm in southern Ontario with 44,800 birds was hit, too.
“We just can’t understand it,” said Rufus Simpleton, a turkey farmer from Guano Flats in central Minnesota. “I mean, we feed these birds a wonderful high-fat diet and pump them full of antibiotics practically from the day they’re born. Then we provide excellent living conditions for them. Each bird has at least a one square foot area in which they can grow up and live a productive and fulfilling life. It’s not like they don’t have social contacts, I mean each turkey has immediate access to roughly 50,000 other turkeys living in the same room. I just can’t understand why they would get sick.”
Dr. Beth Thompson, assistant director of the Minnesota Board of Animal Health, said the reason Minnesota has had so many cases has a lot to do with the fact that it’s the country’s top turkey producing state, and that it has a myriad of ponds and lakes that are attractive stopover places for migrating waterfowl such as ducks, who are suspected of carrying the deadly bird flu virus.
“It’s got to be the ducks, damn their black souls!” said Thompson. “Packing 50,000 members of the same species into concentration camp conditions and fattening them to point where they can barely walk has got nothing to do with it, that’s for sure.”
In Minnesota, turkey producers have now lost over 900,000 birds.
Officials stress the risk to public health is low and that there’s no danger to the food supply, as long as no one wants to eat turkey meat. No human cases have been detected in the U.S., but conspiracy theorists hope that will change soon.
Because trucks and equipment provide a potential way to carry the virus onto farms, Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton signed an executive order Friday lifting seasonal weight restrictions for poultry feed trucks and trailers, and for emergency equipment being used in the response. His order said tightening biosecurity by reducing the number of trips to poultry farms is critical to lowering the risk of introducing the virus to non-infected farms.
Governor Dayton signed another order calling for the aerial use of nerve gas over 90% of Minnesota’s lakes and ponds in order to kill the offending waterfowl. “We want to err on the side of caution here, so killing millions of ducks that may or may not be carrying the virus seems like the logical thing to do,” said Dayton.
Meanwhile, chicken farmers all across the Southeast are reporting raised levels of unrest and nervousness among their flocks as it seems more and more likely that the traditional Thanksgiving menu will have to be changed this year.
LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – A statement released today from Senator Tom Cotton’s (R-AR) office in Little Rock vehemently denied that the senator is a Nexus series replicant or any other type of biorobotic android. The statement also denied that Senator Cotton was brain-damaged from his time in the service or suffered from any debilitating neurological disorder, and claimed that he was perfectly willing to undergo further testing to prove he was nothing but your average Arkansas cattle farmer.
Rumors have swirled around the junior senator from Arkansas from nearly the beginning of his political career because of his apparent inability to engage in critical thought. That, combined with an insatiable bloodlust for humans of Arab or Persian descent, has led many to believe that he is some sort of android manufactured in a lab.
It has even been posited by some conspiracy kooks that he may be the Antichrist, which they say is the only thing that could explain such a mediocre intellect’s meteoric rise to power within the U.S. Government.
The rumors and speculation had died down in recent weeks as his fellow Republicans took pains to water down his insane ideas and wild speculations. However, during a Thursday afternoon press conference all that changed. While outlining his plan to nuke every capital in the Middle East as well as Tehran as a warning to Muslims that “they better not fuck with us,” Cotton had an exchange with a reporter from the Washington Post that has reignited speculation that he may be some sort of malfunctioning robot.
WP reporter James Grimaldi, who has long suspected Cotton of being an android, asked Cotton a series of hypothetical questions designed to provoke an emotional response. Grimaldi conducted the impromptu Voight-Kampff test in order to prove once and for all that Cotton was indeed a “skin-job.”
Here is the text of the exchange between Grimaldi and Cotton:
Grimaldi: You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down…
Senator Cotton: What one?
Grimaldi: What?
Senator Cotton: What desert?
Grimaldi: It doesn’t make any difference what desert Tom, it’s completely hypothetical.
Senator Cotton: But, how come I’d be there?
Grimaldi: Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Maybe you want to kill some Muslims. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Tom. It’s crawling toward you…
Senator Cotton: Tortoise? What’s a tortoise?
Grimaldi: You know what a turtle is?
Senator Cotton: Of course!
Grimaldi: Same thing.
Senator Cotton: I’ve never seen a turtle… But I understand what you mean.
Grimaldi: You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help Tom, but you’re not helping.
Senator Cotton: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I’M NOT HELPING?
Grimaldi: I mean: you’re not helping! Why is that, Tom?
At that point the senator began to tremble and sweat profusely. He then began opening and closing his mouth like a bass lying in the bottom of a boat. Aides to the senator quickly stopped the presser and escorted a visibly shaken Cotton off the stage and into a backroom.
Grimaldi later told fellow journalists that had he been allowed to continue the test, he was certain that he could have elicited a violent response, or perhaps even a complete shutdown of the senator’s systems.
“I’m more convinced than ever that Senator Cotton is some sort of robot,” said Grimaldi. “He’s not a Nexus 6 or anything, because he’s not that advanced, but I think he could be one of the early prototypes for the Nexus 4 or 5. I have an appointment over at the Tyrell Corporation and I hope to get to the bottom of all this shit sometime late next week. We really need to get a handle on this because last time one of these skin-jobs got loose she damn near became vice president. We just can’t allow these walking piles of junk to have any influence on foreign policy. The results could be disastrous.”
THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.
“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?’”
According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.
The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.
Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.
Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.
Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.
Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.
“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”
Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.
“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.’”
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.
“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”
Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.
“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”
When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”
“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”
“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.
“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.
When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”
Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.
When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Last night on The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly claimed that the video purporting to show North Charleston police officer Michael Slager gunning down an unarmed black man was a “clever forgery” created by the “liberal media” in cooperation with the Obama White House. “I know because I was there,” said O’Reilly.
The video in question clearly shows Slager firing eight shots at an unarmed and fleeing black man who was later identified as 50-year-old Walter Scott. The video also shows Scott going down after the final shot, Slager approaching him, cuffing his hands behind his back, and later throwing an object down next to the mortally wounded man.
“I watched the entire event from behind a nearby oak tree,” said O’Reilly, “and it just did not happen the way it is depicted in the video.”
“Officer Slager was totally in the right on this shooting. The black man was listening to rap music, ignoring the officer’s commands, and acting disrespectful. Then he turned around and charged the officer, giving Slager no option but to pop him with his nine. I think this is all an attempt by the Obama Justice Department to paint all white cops as bigoted power-mad assholes, just like the liberal media is doing to me. It’s a conspiracy of the highest order.”
O’Reilly’s account of the incident has been called into question because his housekeeper, cook, butler, and 16-year-old Asian sex slave all told reporters for the New York Times that O’Reilly was staring at himself in the mirror at the time of the shooting, as he does most of the time he is not on the air.
O’Reilly dismissed his employees’ accounts of his whereabouts as being part of a “liberal smear campaign” designed to discredit him. He then threatened to kill them if they said anything else.
Meanwhile, Slager has been charged with murder and the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division has launched an investigation of the shooting. Normally called in to cover up crimes committed by white officers against minority citizens, SLED is being supervised this time by the FBI and other federal agencies.
Mayor Keith Summey and Police Chief Eddie Driggers of North Charleston held a news conference to tell the public that a “full and thorough investigation would be conducted as the result of Slager’s “bad decision.”
“The first thing we need to get to the bottom of is just why it took eight shots to bring down that nigger,” said Summey. “I’m gonna work closely with the Eddie here to reexamine our firearms training program and correct that problem as soon as possible.
“Also, we need to make sure that all our officers understand that when you decide to murder a citizen in cold blood, you need to make damn sure some smart ass ain’t filming it. If there is, the correct procedure is to gun down the photographer and destroy the evidence. That’s just common sense.”
Slager is currently being held without bond in North Charleston, but he is reported to be working with Fox News and several talk radio personalities to try to turn the tide of public opinion so he can get bail and repair the damage done by the “fabricated” video.
Slager backs up O’Reilly’s version of the story, calling him a “true American hero” and “the greatest broadcaster of all time.”
“Thank God for Fox News and Bill O’Reilly,” he said. “Without them, America would be in smouldering ruins and the rule of law would be a thing of the past.”
MANCHESTER, ENGLAND – (CT&P) – A new study out of Great Britain has revealed that the legacy of the 1960’s package holiday boom and the modern vogue for tanned complexions means retirees are now seven times more likely to get the most dangerous type of skin cancer than 40 years ago.
Older men are 10 times more likely to be diagnosed with malignant melanoma than their parents’ generation and women are five times more likely.
Cancer Research UK, which compiled the figures, said the huge increase was likely to be a consequence of people having greater access to sunny climes since the cost of a holiday abroad dropped significantly in the 1960s.
According to the most recent figures, 5700 over-65’s are diagnosed with melanoma in the UK every year, compared to only 600 in the 1970’s.
Although the study was carried out by researchers in the United Kingdom, similar rates of skin cancer are being seen in the United States and in some parts of continental Europe.
What is even more troubling is the fact that various types of skin cancers are being seen in younger and younger patients.
“We also see the recent tendency of westerners to turn into giant fat asses at earlier and earlier ages as a factor in the rise of malignant melanoma. As people slowly morph into slow-moving leviathans, they become less active and tend to spend time on vacation sitting immobile on the beach like deceased marine mammals.”
“The increased surface area of the epidermis caused by diets that could have been designed by Satan himself allows the sun’s rays to hit areas that did not even exist before,” said Sharp. “When one of these lumbering behemoths actually makes it onto a beach, they usually bring a rolling pantry full of beer, sandwiches, and potato chips with them so they can avoid the exhausting 100 meter trip back to the car until after the sun goes down.”
“Many of these elephantine creatures bring enough food and drink along with them to feed an African village for over a month. Then, after staking out an area large enough for a helicopter to land, they plant themselves on the sand and don’t budge for hours on end. It’s truly alarming.”
Dr. Sharp had some advice for young people that may help them avoid the fate that has befallen so many of their parents and grandparents.
“Never use a tanning bed,” she said. “It’s like sticking your head in a fucking microwave. Nothing good can come of it. Also, when going out in the sun for an extended period of time, the liberal use of sun blocking products is a good idea. But most importantly, don’t gorge yourself on all manner of manufactured food items until you become colossal mound of adipose tissue with four limbs sticking out from it. It’s unhealthy and makes you a nice juicy target for the blistering rays of the sun.”
The Cancer UK study is due to be published in next month’s Lancet and has already received great praise from everyone except the cruise industry and others deeply invested in the nurturing of various types of skin cancers.
Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott remarked, “I’m no scientist, but I can tell you I don’t trust any study coming out of Great Britain. They have socialized medicine there, and besides, the bastards have never seen a ray of sunshine in their lives, so how the hell would they know?”
Governor Scott made the remarks while lying coiled on warm rock outside the capital building in Tallahassee.
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Americans have a long and much-cherished tradition of terrifying their offspring during religious holidays. Forced church-going to hear tales of spending the night in a barn in the company of farm animals while escaping the Massacre of the Innocents, only to be nailed to a cross for no good reason 30 years later, fill our kid’s heads with pleasant visions of infanticide and crucifixion. Not content to terrorize the little ones with these Kafkaesque tales of woe, many parents decide to make it more real for the kids by taking them to sit on the laps of creatures out of an H.P. Lovecraft story. We here at the Times-Picayune thought it would be nice to offer up some examples of the practice on this holiest of holy days. Enjoy!
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.
Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.
Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.
Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”
When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.
“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.
“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”
When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.
“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”
Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.
Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.
“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”
When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Numbnuts, dickheads, and reactionary assholes scrambled to the nearest microphones this morning to praise freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s remarks on Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” The goofy-looking senator from Arkansas made the remarks to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer during an appearance on The Situation Room.
Cotton, like many other right-wing nutjobs, compared the law to the one signed by President Clinton in his first year in office. Apparently he has not read either law or he is so mentally deficient he is unable to tell the difference between the two.
Then, in a breathtaking example of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance, Cotton told Blitzer that gays should be glad they live in the United States instead of elsewhere.
“In Iran they hang you for the crime of being gay,” said Cotton. “They’re currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in Iran. We should focus on the most important priorities that our country faces right now. And I would say that a nuclear armed Iran, given the threat it poses … is the most important thing we could be focusing on right now.”
Cotton, you may recall, is the celebrated author of the famous letter to Iran concerning constitutional law in the United States. The letter was criticized by pundits and political leaders of all stripes for undermining the president at a critical time. The fact that the letter was inaccurate and written in crayon did not help matters either.
Cotton, who has a six-year-old’s grasp of the issues, is apparently able to concentrate on only one issue at a time and seems unaware that his home state of Arkansas is desperately trying to avoid becoming the target for boycotts and outrage over its own “Religious Freedom Act.”
Regardless, idiots came out of the woodwork to praise Cotton for his willingness to stand up for bigotry and hate wherever it rears its ugly head.
John Bowles, 2008 presidential candidate for the American Nazi Party, told reporters that “I’m damn proud of Tom for standing up for the rights of religious fanatics everywhere. It’s high time someone stood up for bigoted assholes!”
Judge Roy Moore, Alabama’s rogue judge and cretinous zealot, said “Tom Cotton is the kind of guy all of us ignorant rednecks can support wholeheartedly! I hope he decides to run for president!”
Actor, lunatic, and Biblical scholar Phil Robertson remarked, “Tom is just the kind of politician this country needs to lead us back to a time when black people were happy in the cotton fields and gays and lesbians were executed in the town square.” Robertson then went on a 20 minute diatribe about atheists and their genitals.
Cotton is sure to be the target of outrage from every intelligent member of the media and the public for his remarks, but this is nothing new for the senator, and it does not seem to faze him in the least. He seems to let it roll off him like mud off a hog’s back.
For our sake we can only hope that Senator Cotton is “overwhelmed by the Spirit,” and decides to follow his true calling by going on tour in the Middle East and Iran preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.
FLORES, INDONESIA – (CT&P) – An American archeological research team working on the Indonesian island of Flores has uncovered evidence that indicates that the “hobbits” of the Soa Basin may have been the first Republicans. The team has presented as evidence stone tablets written in an ancient tongue that bears a striking resemblance to the doublespeak so common among GOP leaders today, and the tablets outline a political philosophy that almost perfectly coincides with the reactionary policies advocated by the right wing in modern America.
The team, led by Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute in Holland township New Jersey, is currently working at the Liang Bua site, which made headlines with the discovery of Homo floresiensis, better known to the public as the “hobbits” of human evolution.
The site was originally discovered during the 1950’s and 60’s by Father Theodor Verhoeven, who lived and worked on Flores at a Catholic Seminary. Verhoeven had a keen interest in archeology and had studied it at university. While living on Flores, he identified dozens of archeological sites and conducted excavations at many of these, including the now famous site of Liang Bua.
Verhoeven was the first to report that stone tools were found in association with Stegodon remains in central Flores at several sites within the Soa Basin. At the time, paleoanthropologists took little notice of Verhoeven’s claims or if they did, they discounted them outright.
However, since then, several research teams uncovered evidence that confirmed Verhoeven’s findings regarding the tools and fossils around the various sites on Flores. But it was not until 2003 that the skeletal remains of Homo floresiensis was discovered.
The discovery led to further expeditions, and more remains and artifacts were uncovered, leading to all types of speculation regarding the “hobbits” place in the evolutionary ladder.
Now the discovery of stone tablets that indicate a primitive grasp of language and social policy has thrown the scientific community into an uproar.
“We never expected that such a primitive culture would be able to create a written language, much less a viable political party,” said Professor Hikita. “Despite their diminutive size and small braincase, the “hobbits” seem to have developed their own policies regarding religion, sexual orientation, taxation, and immigration, to name a few.”
“From what we can discern from our examination of these stone tablets, the “hobbits” were a highly reactionary species that reacted violently to change of any kind,” said Hikita. “This translated into a very vanilla society that eschewed new ideas or anything out of the ordinary. Any deviation from the regimented way of life that the “hobbits” championed was greeted with derision, ostracization, or imprisonment on neighboring islands.”
According to Professor Hikita, immigrants to Flores were looked upon with suspicion and treated as second class citizens. “The “hobbits” were terrified of outsiders and generally thought them useful for only doing menial labor around the cave and working in the fields,” said the professor. “It really was a bigoted way of treating their fellow hominids.”
“It’s as if the “hobbits” were stuck in the past and unable to evolve into a more progressive society, and this eventually caused their downfall. However, by comparing the DNA of Homo floresiensis to that of modern humans, we have been able to detect a high percentage of the same genetic material present in some people walking the earth today, so some of them must have survived the collapse and gone on to interbreed with more successful species on the mainland.”
In what is sure to be a controversial finding, Professor Hikita is publishing an article in next month’s Scientific American that details evidence of a link between Homo floresiensis and members of today’s Republican party.
“The similarities are striking,” said Hikita. “We see the same bull-headed intransigence, the same reactionary responses to societal change, and the same desperate clinging to the past in the modern day GOP that we saw in the ancient “hobbits.” The genetic traits of the “hobbits” were apparently so strong that they have been passed down through thousands of years and continue to pop up today. It’s amazing.”
Professor Hikita warned that if the GOP were to retain power for any length of time or for instance gain the White House once again, America could suffer the same fate as Flores.
“We hope that our research will lead to a cure for the self-destructive behavior we now see on the American right,” said Hikita. “Perhaps through some innovative gene splicing we can help these folks so they will be able to look to the future instead of the past. Our country may depend on it.”
NEW YORK, NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The New York Times is reporting that Fox News personality Andrea Tantaros is wanted for questioning regarding the serial murder of 11 Manhattan residents. Ms Tantaros’ current whereabouts are unknown, and police are warning the public that if she is spotted under no circumstances should she be approached. She was last seen leaving a nightclub in downtown Manhattan at around 2 A.M. on Saturday.
Tantaros, a co-host on the vacuous round table show The Five, is well-known for her inane comments and tenuous grip on complex subject matter. She also co-hosts a show called Outnumbered, but its ratings are so low that very few people know it exists, including many Fox employees.
New York Police Commissioner Bill Bratton held a news conference early this morning regarding the string of murders and told reporters that his investigators had reason to believe that Tantaros was responsible.
According to the Bratton, the victims in the murder spree are all male ranging in age from 22 to 45 and were murdered over a period of seven months beginning in September. The most recent victim was discovered only late last week. The men were all killed in the same horrific fashion, having the salt drained from their bloodstream by means of suckers similar to the ones found on cephalopods.
“In every case, Tantaros was seen leaving a nightclub late at night with the victim,” said Bratton. “Our best guess at this time is that Tantaros is some sort of shape-shifting misanthrope from outer space who has come to our planet in order to feed on humans. She apparently requires salt to survive in the same way that a vampire requires human blood to live.”
Tantaros’ colleague and co-host on The Five Greg Gutfeld told The Daily News that he was not surprised by Bratton’s revelations.
“I knew that something was wrong with her,” said Gutfeld. “It’s rare that you see someone over thirty have such childlike opinions on political matters. I mean that gal is just downright dumb. I guess Roger hired her because of her looks, but that lamprey mouth she has just turns me off. Frankly, I’m scared of the woman.”
The public is being warned by the NYPD that although Tantaros is thought to be mentally deficient, she should be considered highly dangerous and should not be approached. If spotted, members of the public should dial 911 and proceed as rapidly as possible to a safe location, preferably not a restaurant or any establishment with salt shakers on its tables.
olddogthoughts 
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