LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Three men who went on a drunken rampage involving gunfire, vomiting, skinny dipping and the death of a tiny endangered fish in Death Valley National Park are now in custody, officials said today.
The men, now identified as John Ya Ya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries, are all on the ballot as Trump delegates in the California primary. They were seen on surveillance video the evening of April 30 driving around a secured gate surrounding Devils Hole, a 40-acre detached unit in Death Valley National Park. The habitat is also home to the endangered Devils Hole pupfish.
Once they entered Devils Hole, park officials said the men shot at signs, gate locks and a security system motion sensor. The men fired at least 10 rounds, according to authorities. They also left behind beer cans, vomit, and a “Make America Great Again” trucker’s cap.
During the excursion, one man jumped into the waters of Devils Hole and swam around for a while shouting “Mexicans are rapists!” and “Muslims suck!”
For some reason the man left his pink boxer shorts floating in the water. They are currently being tested for alien DNA.
Park officials later found a dead pupfish in the water — one of only 115 that currently inhabit Devils Hole.
Pupfish, which grow to about an inch in length, roughly the size of Donald Trump’s dick, are the tenacious descendants of fish that inhabited an ancient lake that once covered Death Valley.
According to the National Park Service, the pupfish population fluctuates between 100 and 200 in the winter and between 300 and 500 in the summer. The latest population numbers were tallied in a survey last month, park officials said.
“A necropsy is being performed on the pupfish to determine whether the vandals’ actions may have caused the death of this member of an endangered species,” park officials said in a statement.
Investigators are examining the area and reviewing surveillance video footage of the incident.
Park officials said the men not only shot the motion sensor, but also tried to remove cables in an attempt to dismantle the security system, but failed because they were so fucking stupid.
Video footage shows the men climbing over the fence and driving away in a blue Yamaha Rhino, an off-road vehicle.
The vehicle was later pulled over and the three men were arrested while driving up Hollywood Boulevard hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians, officials said.
Officials credit the swift arrest of the men to a tip provided by an anonymous caller who claimed that Ted Cruz was sent by God to rule over America.
The three men face charges of destruction of government property, killing an endangered species by toxic urine discharge, and chronic criminal stupidity.
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