Apple has once again raised the bar, with today’s launch of a stunning new global tax-avoidance system.
Some critics had claimed that the rest of the world was catching up to the tech giant’s innovative methods of paying no tax. But Apple has responded in typical awe-inspiring fashion, with a new tax model that mixes superb design with exquisite moral indifference.
At a special invitation-only launch event, CEO Tim Cook said that the new model will allow the organisation to effortlessly avoid tax. “It has a beautiful simplicity on the outside, with all the necessary complexity behind the scenes that you don’t need to worry about,” he said. “We’ve also added a lawsuit resistant feature. Quite simply, it’s the best tax avoidance system we’ve ever created”.
Cook had the crowd eating from the palm of his hand as he demonstrated how the company could turn $230 billion in revenue to just $11.95 in tax. “It’s a game-changer,” he said.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Former New Mexico governor, Libertarian Party presidential nominee, and dedicated stoner Gary Johnson broke his pledge today not to smoke pot before the election in November.
Johnson appeared to be totally baked on Morning Joe this morning when he was interviewed by Mike Barnacle, a frequent guest on the show.
Barnacle was quizzing Johnson on the situation in the Middle East when he asked what the candidate would do about Aleppo.
“About who?” asked Johnson from behind a pair of dark sunglasses.
“Aleppo,” replied Barnacle.
“What’s Aleppo dude?”
“You’re kidding.”
“No.” said Johnson. “What the fuck are you talking about Mike?”
As Barnacle was shaking his head in disbelief, Johnson stared off in the distance and appeared to be deep in thought. Then a light bulb seemed to go on in his head, and he broke out in a huge smile.
“Ohhhh, I’m with you now Mike. Sorry, I’m a little buzzed. Yeah, I have an Aleppo. I used it this morning to fire up my bong.”
When Barnacle explained that he was talking about a city in Syria and not a lighter, Johnson turned serious and told him that although he had no idea what was going on in Aleppo he thought Syria was “one hot mess.”
“I don’t see why those folks can’t just sit down, chill out, and love one another,” said Johnson as he furiously scratched the top of his head.
Barnacle ended the interview after Johnson asked for some potato chips and dip for the third time in as many minutes.
Breaking his pledge could be a serious blow to Mr. Johnson’s campaign, just as he is making a final push to improve his standing in the polls. His support needs to reach 15 percent in a series of major national polls to be included in the presidential debates.
On Twitter the question “What is Aleppo?” is trending, with many critics arguing that Mr. Johnson has disqualified himself from the presidency. However, the RNC has already approached Johnson about running for governor in Colorado.
Malcolm Turnbull has suggested all Australians spend a day resting up on Monday, to ensure that the nausea caused by seeing Tony Abbott and Pauline Hanson make awkward small talk has totally passed.
“I pressed play accidentally myself on Friday and I’m still making regular trips to the bathroom,” Mr Turnbull explained this morning. “Lucy spent most of the night hunched over the toilet bowl”.
Health experts have applauded the move, saying there were psychological impacts to consider too. “This was unexpected and quite gruesome. I particularly worry about any young children who have seen this video,” psychologist Tara Hubert said. “There may be delayed reactions – people can expect to feel quite unsettled for some time. The images could well linger in our minds for months”.
We might not be as friendly to expat families as we’d like to think.
Source: The best and worst countries in the world for making friends
MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate and village idiot Donald Trump is traveling to Mexico to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto Wednesday afternoon, shortly before the nominee is slated to give another incoherent speech on immigration in Phoenix.
The trip, which Mr. Trump announced late Tuesday and which was confirmed by the office of Mr. Peña Nieto, follows an invitation the Mexican president sent Friday to both Mr. Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, according to Mr. Peña Nieto’s office. The president’s office said the invitation “was well received by both campaign teams.”
Mr. Trump told Wolf Blitzer of CNN earlier today that it was important to make the trip because the election was going to be close and he needed to garner all the Electoral College votes he could.
“I want the Mexican people to know that even though I intend to build a thousand mile 35 foot high impenetrable wall between our countries that deep down I’m a compassionate and reasonable guy and I’ll do my best to find jobs in Mexico for the 16 million men, women, and children I plan to uproot and ship back south,” said Trump, while making weird hand gestures with his minuscule digits.
“I’m confident that once I talk to President Nieto and hold a rally in Mexico City I can convince the population, which is made up almost entirely of criminals, to vote for me so I can grab those all important electoral votes,” said the giant bipedal turd.
GOP strategist and adviser to the Evan McMillan campaign Rick Wilson appeared on MSNBC shortly after Trump’s comments on CNN and told viewers that never in the history of the United States has the country been saddled with such a moronic candidate.
“The man is like a orange chimpanzee on crack,” said Wilson. “Not only is Trump a racist xenophobe who treats women as property, but he’s an imbecile of epic proportions.”
“The only people who would score lower on an IQ test might be his supporters. I’ve seen bovines that were more intelligent. Folks who support this pitiful excuse for a human being will be trying to wash off the stench for the rest of their lives.”
Mr. Trump is scheduled to meet with President Nieto sometime late this afternoon. The exact time and place of the meeting is being kept secret in order to keep gunfire and explosions to a minimum.
The Deputy Prime Minister has put his hand up to help out in whatever way he can, after celebrity couple Johnny Depp and Amber Heard confirmed their divorce this week.
“They’ll have a lot on their minds, a lot of things to work through. All I’m saying is I can take care of the dogs,” Joyce said.
Asked if he was considering helping out on alternate weeks or just once in a while, Joyce said his solution was ‘permanent’.
He said history had shown that dependents often have a hard time when parents get divorced. “Johnny and Amber aren’t in the right state of mind to look after Pistol and Boo at the moment. I’m not looking to put Johnny or Amber down. Just the dogs”.
32 minutes | The lies that lead us to never ending war – and real solutions to change this fate
2,000 leaked incident reports from the Nauru immigration detention centre have been shipped to Nauru by the Australian government, so they can be ‘investigated further’.
Minister for Border Security, Peter Dutton told journalists he could no longer discuss the files as they were now an ‘offshore matter’.
“We will examine these files thoroughly and fairly, and then provide an appropriate response which unfortunately we won’t be able to tell you about,” Mr Dutton said.
“Given these files are now on Nauru it would be inappropriate for me to comment on them. But rest assured that they will be treated with the upmost respect”.
He said the timeframe for reviewing the files was now ‘indefinite’.
Australia has a population of just under 50 people, according to last night’s census figures. It represents a fall from the 22 million measured in the 2011 census.
The snapshot of the nation showed that almost one in five of all Australians now lives in a share-house in Coppin Street, in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond. The flatmates, who moved into the property last week, are still waiting for their internet to get connected.
The booming area is set to see further population growth in the future, with Thommo’s girlfriend expected to move in next week.
The ABS says the census is vital for future planning, and will allow the Government to build new schools, hospitals and other health facilities in that part of Coppin Street.
Other figures showed:
61% of Australians now work for the ABS
7% of Australians have the surname Turnbull
12% of Australians are current or former Australian Prime Ministers
0% of Australians have an internet connection
TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.
Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.
In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.
However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.
“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”
So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.
CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA – (CT&P) – While campaigning for Hillary Clinton in Forlorn Hope, West Virginia over the weekend, President Obama pledged that he would do his very best to destroy America at least five more times before he leaves office in January.
‘It has been by privilege as the first black man in the White House to destroy America as many times as I possibly could in the last seven years, and I’m looking forward to finishing with a flourish,” said Obama.
“It’s hard for me to overstate just how much I hate this country and everything it stands for. Freedom, liberty, equal treatment under the law, I just hate that shit, and always have. I’m looking forward to seeking out the last standing buildings and institutions across America and laying waste to them like I have the vast majority of our once great country.”
Republican politicians and pundits have responded with outrage over the President’s comments, calling him a destructive maniac who just wants to destroy everything.
Representative and respected racist Steve King of Iowa told Fox News that if we don’t do something quick, every contribution to western civilization made by white folks will be erased in an orgy of destruction.
“We downtrodden white people have to once and for all stand up and be counted,” said King.
“America has been destroyed so many times by this man that it’s hard to find anything that has escaped being destroyed in all the destruction that surrounds us,” said King, who then stared off into space and started mumbling something about grapefruit.
White House Press Secretary Josh Ernest is expected to detail the President’s plans for the complete annihilation of America and our way of life during a press conference Monday morning.
A senior police officer who was in charge during the final hours of the Lindt Cafe siege accepts responsibility for the deaths three people.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former Speaker of the House, former possible running mate for lunatic Donald Trump and former sane person Newt Gingrich has come up with a sure-fire plan to root out terrorists living in or trying to enter the United States.
A simple questionnaire, which quizzes suspect individuals about sharia law and how they feel about it would be an invaluable tool in keeping America safe, said Gingrich during a telephone interview last night with Fox News’ colon rodent Sean Hannity.
“Let me start where I am coming from and let me be as blunt and direct as I can be — western civilization is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,” Gingrich said.
“Sharia is incompatible with western civilization. Modern Muslims who have given up Sharia — glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door. But we need to be fairly relentless about who our enemies are.”
Gingrich reiterated his support for the questionnaire this morning at a press conference outside his home in Atlanta.
“Once we implement this strategy and get rid of all the terrorists, we can then use a similar questionnaire to deport black people or anyone else who shows sympathy for the Democratic Party,” said Gingrich, as he scanned the crowd for possible new wives.
So far there has been no comment from law enforcement or the Obama Administration on whether or not Gingrich’s brilliant plan will be adopted.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Advisers and aides to Donald Trump had to scramble this afternoon to locate maps and a globe so they could show him just where the fuck Turkey was.
“We showed him two or three times and then tested him by showing him a map without the names of the countries on it,” said an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “After about a dozen attempts he finally figured it out.”
Trump, not known for his knowledge of anything, is particularly ignorant when it comes to foreign policy.
“He is completely inept when comes to geography,” said the aide. “Ask him to point out Australia and he may point to Antarctica or even Corsica. He’s a real fuckwit.”
After briefing the GOP nominee on where Turkey was located and the difference between Asia and Europe, his staff then wrote out a detailed response to the coup that he could send out on Twitter.
No one on Trump’s staff believed he had any idea what the statement meant.
Fox News host Sean Hannity, in the aftermath of an apparent terrorist attack that killed at least 77 in Nice, France, claimed that “no-go zones actually do exist in France,” where only Muslims are allowed and the government has no control.In January 2015, after Steve Emerson claimed on Fox News that there are parts of France and England “
Source: Hannity Uses Attack In France To Push Muslim “No-Go Zones” Myth That Fox Previously Apologized For
Conversative Party’s May has driven extreme policies that surveil and criminalize Muslims, migrants and refugees
BATON ROUGE – (CT&P) – Tanya “Hep C” McGhee, a Trump delegate from Syphilis Springs, Louisiana told CNN last week that she hopes to “land a real man” when she travels to Cleveland in less than two weeks.
“There just ain’t too many guys to choose from down here. All the good ones is taken and the few that are left just want to take advantage of me for my body,” said McGhee, as she wiped tobacco juice from her chin.
When asked why she supported Trump, she said that he really told it like it was and would help run off “all them slant-eyed devils” coming in from southeast Asia and stealing all the good jobs at all the hair salons and “toenail trimmers.”
“Trump is gonna make America great again like it was before we let all them black folks and foreigners come in and take over,” said McGhee. “Obama has done destroyed this country and it’s gonna take a straight talkin’ businessman like Trump to rebuild ‘Murica.”
McGhee said that while she was in Cleveland she’d be staying at the Motel 6 out by the airport and that any ‘real man’ interested in a loving, long-term relationship should make plans to drop by.
McGhee said that she’s optimistic that out of all the neo-Nazis and white nationalists that are planning to attend, there’d be at least one who would make a good husband and dad to her seven young kids.
“There’s got to be at least one guy out there that’ll appreciate a hard-workin’, fun-lovin’, gal like me,” said McGhee.
McGhee said that whoever comes by her room better damn sure bring his own Budweiser because she’s “had it up to here” with freeloaders.
Former Prime Minister John Howard addressed the media today telling reporters he does not regret his decision to paint his face orange.
Mr Howard said he disagreed with the assertion that he had lied about tanning his 76 year-old face. “There was no lie. There were errors in intelligence but there was no lie,” he said.
“Were there mistakes in the way I applied the tan? Probably. Should I have thought more carefully about instinctively following the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee’s choice in face-colour? Perhaps. But that’s all very easy to say in hindsight. It was the right thing to do at the time”.
Mr Howard said while he respected people’s varying views, he stood behind his decision. “Of course I defend it. I don’t retreat from it. I don’t believe, based on the information available to me, that it was the wrong decision. I really don’t.”
In unrelated news, Mr Howard admitted his decision to invade Iraq wasn’t based on any intelligence at all.
By Juan Cole | (Informed Comment) | – – On this day when the United States was first conceived in …
One Nation Leader and likely new senator Pauline Hanson has wasted no time in reminding Australians of what we’ve been missing over the past 20 years, calling for Royal Commissions into both Islam and Climate Science.
In the spirit of Royal Commissions into ‘things that scare us a little because we don’t understand them’, here are 10 other things that Ms Hanson should use more taxpayer money to investigate.
As the fallout from Brexit continues, Britain’s major parties have turned to Australia’s top political operatives to form a plan that creates total political chaos, rather than just a minor commotion.
“We want to do this properly, so we’ve turned to the best,” an insider from the Conservative Party said. “I never would’ve thought to get the Prime Minister to stand down, and then get his presumptive successor to pull out of the race as well. That’s the type of turmoil you can only conjure up with experience. It’s what Australia does so well”.
One Australian backroom expert who has been flown to London said it was important to draw out the instability over several electoral cycles. “The danger is you just contain it to one cycle, or just one party. So the guidance I’ve given my British counterparts is to spread the chaos broadly. Draw it out.
“Getting the Labour leader to stand aside is the next obvious move, and then you continue the momentum from there”.
A UK Labour Party strategist said he was learning quickly with the help of Australian experts. “Once the new leaders are in place, we’re going to call for an early election. That way we have the unique opportunity to have three Prime Ministers in under a year. I think that’s how you do it”.
Immigration Minister Peter Dutton has linked asylum seekers with terrorism, insisting recent attacks overseas have made border security a key issue for voters at the election.
Source: Federal election 2016: Immigration Minister Peter Dutton links asylum seekers with terrorism
A comprehensive look at the “achievements” of the Abbott Government during their first term in office.
Source: Achievements of the Abbott-Turnbull Government To Date
Guest columnist Peta Credlin
The sloppiness, the infighting, the slip-ups. The lack of any ‘plan B’ for the marriage equality plebiscite. These things would never have happened in my years as Prime Minister.
Do these people even know how to run a campaign? I don’t think so. We’ve got backbenchers contradicting one another, Ministers not being able to articulate policies. Who’s in charge here? Who’s the campaign manager? When I was Prime Minister, I had the best campaign manager. Me.
But since the events of last September, when Turnbull overthrew me to take the top job, well, things have become an absolute debacle. Some saw him as the Messiah. But I knew how this would play out. He’s all show and no substance. Doesn’t have the guts or the grunt to succeed under the pressure of a campaign like I did. Doesn’t have a Chief of Staff like I did either (P. Credlin).
Look, I hope he wins. I really do. But if it’s close, if he slips up, don’t be surprised if the party starts asking for me to put my hand up for the leadership again. They’re only human.
Migration laws will no longer need to change under an independent Britain, because no-one will want to go there to work anyway.
“That’s one less thing we’ll have to do,” a jubilant ‘Leave’ voter said this morning, trying desperately to ignore the economy crashing around her.
“I probably won’t have a job this time next year, but at least there won’t be a foreigner there to take it,” Leave campaigner Patricia Waite said this morning, noting that she would feed her family with patriotism for the time being until she could find another job.
UK Independence Party Leader Nigel Farage said the exit vote was a classic example of British ingenuity. “What better way to stop migrants coming to our shores than to devastate the economy they were coming here to contribute to. It really is a stroke of genius”.
From guest columnist Scott Morrison
Enough is enough. For too long, middle aged, straight white men like me have not had a voice. Around the country, we have been sidelined, marginalised, laughed at and abused. It’s time to take a stand.
We hear so much about other groups of society. But show me a position of power in this country that’s occupied by one of my people – someone who looks like me.
Take, for instance, our parliament. Ok, bad example. Consider instead then our business leaders. Ok, but you know what I mean.
I’m sick of the bigotry and the abuse. I’m sick of doors being shut in my face. I’m tired of opportunities that are given to others, taken from me, just because of who I am. Just because of the way I look. Just because I’m attracted to members of the opposite sex.
It’s high time that we had a say in how this country is run. It’s high time we had some input into how the nation’s finances were spent. It’s time doors were opened for us as well as other Australians. It’s time our voice was heard. Just for once.
There are fears America is turning into a nanny state after President Obama announced sweeping changes to gun laws that will require residents to close their eyes and count to ten before taking ownership of semi-automatic weapons.
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