The effect was almost immediate. On Wednesday afternoon former Speaker Bronwyn Bishop announced she would contest her seat again in order to fight terrorism. By nightfall, a dozen ISIS operatives had gone to ground.
ASIO intelligence agents said ‘chatter’ on tapped phone lines had died to nothing; operations months in the planning, quickly scrapped. The Islamic extremist organisation knew they had met their match.
After all, the Member for Mackellar has an imposing record. Since she won office in 1998 there hasn’t been a single terrorist attack in her electorate.
One counter-terrorism expert said that while the 73 year-old hadn’t expressly stated how she would fight terrorism, she didn’t need to. “It’s implied. She’s got millions of tax-payer dollars and a fleet of helicopters behind her. I wouldn’t be messing with her either”.
COLUMBIA, S.C. – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz flatly refused to criticize Donald Trump for statements he made yesterday regarding Muslims and a possible ban on all people of that faith entering the United States.
“I do not believe the world needs my voice added to that chorus of critics,” Cruz said at a Tuesday press conference, referencing the large group of Republican and Democratic presidential candidates who have criticized the plan.
“And listen,” Cruz added, “I commend Donald Trump for standing up and focusing America’s attention on the need to secure our borders.”
“You won’t catch me criticizing a fellow asshole like Donald Trump,” said Cruz, as he stole some candy from a small child loitering on the edge of the crowd.
“I consider Donald Trump a friend of mine, and I only have two or three of them, so I can’t afford to go around alienating my brother cocksuckers all the time. Hell, even my own family hates my fucking guts, so I have to be careful what I say.
“I believe Donald is on the right track with his bigoted and xenophobic ideas and policy proposals, and I think you’re going to find out that the fascists that make up the right wing base of the Republican Party agree with us.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I promised my supporters I’d go kick the shit out of that homeless black veteran dozing in the alley over there.”
Tony Abbott’s autobiography is the story of a man who rescued a nation from the dangers of boats and carbon taxes before gallantly riding off into the sunset to fight other noble battles.
Beautifully illustrated, and easily read in one bedtime sitting, the book begins with the rise of the Evil Boat Lord as it casts its dark shadow over the known land. With all hope seemingly lost, we follow our hero as he overcomes doubt and fear to tackle the enemy head on.
But as one enemy is fended off, a larger threat – the Daesch Death Cult – comes to the fore. Using an artillery of sharpened three word slogans and backed by his army of loyal flags, he again emerges victorious.
There are tender moments too. On one page the hero imagines himself being knighted by the Queen of the land. On another, he speaks of his desire for a more collegial, gentler form of governance.
The story ends with our hero selflessly choosing not to bask in his victory, but instead fight other battles. He faxes his intentions to an adoring populous before leaving in the dark of night.
The biography is available now in the children’s section of all good book stores.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.
Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.
In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.
“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.
“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”
Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.
“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”
SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.
Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.
As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.
Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.
Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.
Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.
With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.
“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.
“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.
“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”
Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.
AUBURN – (CT&P) – Defensive coordinator Will Muschamp has announced that he will be resigning his post at Auburn in order to seek the GOP nomination for president.
The announcement was made this morning at a press conference at what was left of Jordan-Hare Stadium after Alabama running back and Heisman shoe-in Derrick Henry laid waste to it last night.
“I feel the time is right for a run for president,” said Muschamp, as drool flowed out of the corner of his mouth. “The country needs a violent madman to lead it back to greatness, and I’m just the guy who can get it done!”
Reince Priebus, head of the RNC, applauded the move.
“I think Muschamp will do very well in what is already a crowded field of unstable simpletons with anger issues,” said Priebus. “We welcome any candidate who is willing to go batshit crazy on national television. It really helps us shore up our psychotic base.”
Auburn Head Coach Gus Malzahn, who was reached for comment as he searched Montgomery used car dealerships for a new school bus, told ESPN that he really did not care what Muschamp did.
“I really don’t give a damn what the idiot decides to do,” said Malzahn. “I think the last shred of his sanity left the field on Derrick Henry’s cleats.”
Malzahn told reporters that a he would start scouring nearby prisons and mental institutions for a new defensive coordinator on Monday.
AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.
“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.
“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”
In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.
Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.
“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.
“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”
Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.
In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.
DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and despicable asshole Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is vaulting into the Iowa caucus’ first tier of Republican candidates, a survey released Tuesday suggests.
A new Quinnipiac University poll shows despicable asshole Cruz taking 23 percent to pompous ass racist Donald Trump’s 25 percent among likely GOP caucus-goers. Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and dunce Ben Carson and man-child credit risk Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) stand at 18 percent and 13 percent respectively, with the field’s 10 other asshole candidates all polling at or below 5 percent.
Cruz’s support has risen 13 points since Quinnipiac’s survey of the race last month, mostly at the expense of Dr. Ben Carson, who has steadily lost support nationwide as he continues to make it abundantly clear that he has no idea what the fuck he is doing outside an operating theater.
Cruz, known to his congressional colleagues as “Turd” or “that giant asshole,” has gone full bore Nazi in order to pick up as many evangelical supporters as he can in Iowa and across the United States.
However, if he wins the GOP nomination, Cruz will have to do it without the support of his fellow GOP senators, who consider him to be the most despicable asshole who has ever entered politics.
“I consider Ted to be a dirty, filthy, despicable asshole,” said Senator John McCain, when asked about Cruz’s character.
“I wouldn’t piss on Ted Cruz if were on fire,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “He’s a putrid, festering, despicable asshole.”
Many members of the U.S. House of representatives feel the same way about Cruz.
In fact, former Speaker John Boehner once described Cruz as a “moldy, decomposing, rancid, unscrupulous, dishonest, despicable asshole.”
“The man is a walking hemorrhoid,” said Boehner.
Regardless of how his fellow politicians and most of the free world feels about Cruz, it is apparent that the Republican base in Iowa, which is heavily evangelical, thinks he just peachy.
Political pundits postulate that this is because they have been desensitized to despicable assholes after having been exposed to Representative Steve King (R-IA), a 24 karat asshole, for so many years.
BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Belgian security forces have been unable to locate Belgium’s ass despite days of searches and dozens of raids on likely targets throughout the country, according to Prime Minister Charles Michel.
“We know our ass is around here somewhere, but we just can’t find it,” said Michel at a press conference this morning.
“I want to assure the Belgian people and citizens of the world that this does not mean that Belgian security is lax or that our intelligence services are in any way incompetent. It’s just that we can’t seem to find anything that might lead us to the current location of our own ass.”
Despite offers from French and U.S. intelligence services to help Belgium find its ass, Prime Minister Michel insists that Belgium can do it on its own.
“We don’t need anyone poking around Belgium looking for our ass. We’re perfectly capable of finding it on our own,” said the exasperated PM.
The Australian arm of Mensa – the organisation for those with an unusually high IQ – held its annual Christmas get together in locations around the country this weekend.
Filled with chants, flags, and discussions about metaphysics, the gatherings were a chance for members to catch up and discuss their favourite equations.
“Often we feel like outsiders. So this is a wonderful opportunity to mingle with like-minded people, throw around some literature quotes maybe, or just count in prime numbers for a while,” member Dave Jenkins said. “They close off the streets for us as well, which is nice”.
Mr Jenkins can be seen in the picture above pointing out which chapter of Mensa the group is representing. “We have a bit of friendly rivalry with the other chapters,” he joked.
Fellow member Jack Short said the conversation at the Christmas functions can get quite heated. “Oh yes, there’s a lot of shouting. Get a couple of hundred fervent Einstein fans in the one place and there’s bound to be a bit of passionate debate!”
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Surging poll numbers in Iowa and across the country have made it clear that enough Americans are so mentally deficient that Dr. Ben Carson actually has a chance to win the GOP nomination for president.
The change in fortune for Carson has his advisers and close confidants plenty worried.
Responding to a calamitous interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday in which Carson appeared to be brain-damaged, longtime friend and adviser Armstrong Williams said, “We’re used to Ben making batshit crazy remarks about pyramids and Noah’s Ark, that’s par for the course with him, but his total ignorance on matters of national security and foreign policy is downright frightening. There’s just no telling what he would do in the White House besides putting up a velvet portrait of Jesus.”
“Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East,” said Duane R. Clarridge, a former CIA agent and top adviser to Dr. Carson on terrorism and national security. He also said Mr. Carson needed weekly conference calls briefing him on foreign policy so “we can make him smart.”
“At this point I believe Dr. Carson poses a threat to the security of the United States,” continued Clarridge. “He’s possibly the dumbest son of a bitch to ever run for president.”
Advisers are particularly concerned with Carson’s habit of pushing buttons “to see what they do.”
A Carson campaign official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told Fox News that Carson could accidentally start World War III.
“The moron would more than likely just walk around the White House pushing buttons and whispering nonsense into the Hotline,” said the official.
“Most of us signed on to advise and assist Dr. Carson because we saw it as easy money. He has no idea how much he’s paying any of us anyway. But these polls are the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I had no idea there were so many idiots out there. It’s scary as hell.”
MALI – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson called a press conference this morning to address the ongoing hostage crisis at the Radisson Blu Hotel in Bamako, Mali.
The hotel is the site of an ongoing terrorist attack and hostage situation. Latest reports state that there could be dozens of hostages still being held in the hotel and its environs.
Dr. Carson told reporters that the best thing the captives could do would be to “charge the terrorists.”
“If I were there I would get everyone together and charge the gunmen,” whispered Carson. “They might get some of us but we would overwhelm them. If anyone in that hotel can hear me, CHARGE!!!”
When a reporter pointed out that it might be unwise to rush terrorists that were equipped with automatic weapons and suicide vests Dr. Carson seemed to lose his train of thought and began waving his arms and blinking rapidly as he responded.
“When ants encounter a preying mantis they don’t sit around and let themselves be eaten,” said a semi-conscious Carson. “The Bible says that locusts help free the Israelites. We need to learn to be more like locusts if we’re ever going to defeat the terrorists.”
A security and terrorism expert interviewed on CNN after Carson’s press conference said that as usual Carson has no idea what the fuck he’s saying.
“Anyone who takes advice from this dude on anything, much less terrorism, needs to have his head examined, and not by Dr. Carson,” chuckled the expert.
MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been named to lead a GOP delegation to Raqqa next month to meet with ISIS leaders in order to better coordinate the Republican Party’s response to recent terror attacks. Senator Jeff Sessions, (R-AL) will also be part of the delegation.
The delegation, made up of GOP governors and lawmakers, will sit down and try to iron out just how the party can better achieve the goals and ambitions of ISIS and other terrorist organizations around the Middle East.
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus told CNN that although the Republican leadership felt like it had taken positive steps to cooperate and support ISIS by banning Syrian refugees entry to many states, and trying to shut down the refugee program completely in the U.S. House of Representatives, a lot more could be accomplished if politicians could sit down face-to-face with the terrorists and iron out a detailed plan for cooperation.
“We really want to foster hatred for all Muslims around the world and try our best to make this a Christianity vs Islam world war, and we feel the best way to do that is cooperate fully with ISIS and do their bidding as much as possible,” said Priebus.
“We named Governor Bentley and Senator Sessions to lead this delegation because they were the most bigoted assholes we could think of, and it sure doesn’t hurt that they’re from Alabama, given its history of racial prejudice and backwards-ass lawmaking.
“We wanted to get a few presidential candidates on the delegation but the only one dumb enough to volunteer was Dr. Ben “Mad Dog” Carson, but as it turns out his psychotherapist has not OK’ed him for overseas travel.”
The delegation is scheduled to fly into Baghdad and travel overland to Raqqa to meet ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and some of his most murderous lieutenants.
PARIS – (CT&P) – Criminal mastermind and cheese-dicked cretin Abdelhamid Abaaoud told Wolf Blitzer on CNN this afternoon that if he knew what he knows now, he never would have become a terrorist in the first place.
“I wish I’d never heard of Allah, Muhammad, or all that other bullshit,” said Abaaoud, in between blood-curdling screams.
Blitzer reached Abaaoud by phone as he was enduring his first day of infinity in Hades.
Abaaoud, a dedicated member of ISIS, had expected 72 virgins in Paradise.
“Instead, I’m floating in this fucking lake of fire and having my flesh burned off over and over again,” groaned the filthy goat-fucking savage.
Police found Abaaoud’s body Wednesday in an apartment building in Saint-Denis, but it took some time to identify the 27-year-old using his fingerprints because very little of him was left. It was not clear how he died because portions of his limbs were blown off and he appeared to have been struck by about a million fucking bullets.
Three police officials have told The Associated Press that a woman who died in the same police raid Wednesday was Abaaoud’s cousin. One said the woman, Hasna Aitboulahcen, is believed to have detonated a suicide vest in the building after a brief conversation with police officers. It was not clear if she had any role in the attacks.
Ms Aitboulahcen, who was with Abaaoud in Hell during the phone interview with CNN, also regretted having in any way been associated with Islam.
“I could kick Abdelhamid’s well-done butt right about now,” she said. “That dickhead got me involved in all this shit to begin with. I expected a reward in Heaven and now I can’t even find my ass with both hands!”
Abaaoud is expected to finish up with orientation sometime this evening and will be looking forward to having a capsicum coated pineapple shoved up his ass every five minutes for the next week before descending deeper into the depths to receive some truly serious punishment.
THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.
“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.
“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”
Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.
“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.
“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.
“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”
Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.
The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.
Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.
“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.
Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.
“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”
Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.
“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.
“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”
The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.
When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.
President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and leading GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson lost consciousness and slipped into a coma during an interview yesterday with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday.
While attempting to answer a grueling series of “gotcha” questions like “Where do you live?” “What form of government do we have in the United States?” and “Why did Satan make fossils?” Carson began blinking furiously, waving his arms, and whispering incoherently about frontal lobes, Arab states, and grain silos. Within moments he appeared to faint and his head lolled to one side of his body.
Aides to Dr. Carson rushed into the studio and he was whisked away to an undisclosed location.
The Carson campaign later issued a press release stating that Dr. Carson was unresponsive but breathing normally in a nearby hotel room.
A spokesman for the campaign emphasized that the incident was nothing to worry about.
“It’s nothing out of the ordinary,” said the spokesman. “It’s occurred several times already this week, and Dr. Carson will be back selling books “before you know it.”
A volunteer for the campaign backed up the spokesman, telling CNN that Carson has been losing consciousness regularly during campaign stops in Iowa, but no one has noticed.
“Most folks have no idea what the fuck Ben is saying most of the time anyway. He appears to be on Thorazine or Xanax all the time, and he rarely makes any sense at all. The only way we can really tell if he’s lost consciousness is if we suddenly stop hearing batshit crazy ideas come out of his mouth,” said the volunteer.
“In the end it makes no difference with his core supporters as long as he continues to love Jesus and hate the poor.”
Dr. Carson is expected to make a complete recovery and continue saying crazy things as he roams the country selling books in the coming weeks.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In what experts are calling a ground-breaking new surgical technique, Dr. Ben Carson will perform surgery on his own brain late next month, before the primary season begins.
An aide to the GOP frontrunner told Fox News this morning that the retired neurosurgeon and acclaimed Egyptologist will be operating on parts of his prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes in an attempt to recover memories of key events in his youth.
“Dr. Carson has led the way in experimental brain surgery throughout his career,” said the aide. “If successful, this surgery should allow him to remember the names and dates of every assault and attempted murder he committed while he was growing up. It should also allow Dr. Carson to remember just who it was that offered him a full scholarship to West Point.”
According to the aide, the delicate procedure will be carried out in a room filled with smoke and mirrors, much like his campaign for president.
Although the operation has never attempted before, Carson believes that if successful, it could provide hope for other adults who are unable to remember everyone they attacked and/or murdered in their youth.
The aide said that Carson also hopes that the surgery will boost his IQ, thus allowing him to understand complicated subjects such as civics, history, science, and the concept of vetting political candidates.
A range of new Paleo public toilets will be installed in Melbourne’s inner north, allowing devotees to relieve themselves just as our ancestors did.
The specially cordoned off areas on Gertrude Street will provide a tasteful place for Paleo followers to defecate directly onto the footpath, letting nature do the clean up job.
“A Paleo toilet removes all the unnecessary additives that have crept into the way we relieve ourselves these days – like toilet bowls, sewage systems, and paper,” Paleo advocate Jennifer McCarthy said. “This is how we were meant to do it”.
She said it was about much more than convenience. “It’s part of an approach to living that optimises your physical and emotional wellbeing. It’s about finding the best version of you. Which of course could well be smeared on a footpath, once nature calls”.
Convert Tom Hastey said public Paleo toilets were long overdue. “Eating a meal of carefully-prepared meats and vegetables, and then walking off to do a crap on the ground is how early humans did it. So should we”.
A spokesperson for the City of Yarra Council said it was important to cater for changing community needs. “People are crying out for this, and there’s a wider cost benefit too. They [the Paleo toilets] are cheaper than traditional toilet blocks. There’s no need for expensive piping, or basins, or doors,” he said.
The first toilets will be installed in early December.
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama destroyed the country again today by rejecting the Keystone Pipeline, a project that has been compared to some of the great engineering projects ever undertaken by human beings.
The President cited concerns regarding the climate as the reason he decided to kill the project and destroy what was left of the United States.
“America’s now a global leader when it comes to taking serious action to fight climate change,” Obama told reporters, standing in the Roosevelt Room beside Vice President Biden and Secretary of State John F. Kerry. “And frankly, approving this project would have undercut that global leadership. And that’s the biggest risk we face, not acting.”
He said now was the time to act to “protect the one planet we’ve got while we still can.”
While environmentalists and anyone possessed of any intelligence at all applauded the President’s decision, GOP politicians and presidential candidates criticized the move.
“The Keystone Pipeline would have made us energy independent for more than a week, and would have provided at least three dozen permanent jobs for Americans who are suffering because of the flood of illegal Central American children stealing their income and spreading disease across our country,” said the borderline insane Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR).
“This is another victory for the international conspiracy of climate change scientists who are bent on worldwide Marxist revolution,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who’s been fighting Alzheimer’s disease for over five years now.
GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told Fox News that he wasn’t worried about the decision, because the first day of his term he plans on building the “biggest, best, most beautiful pipeline ever made by man” to transport the dirtiest, filthiest, most environmentally destructive oil known to man down from Canada to the U.S. Gulf Coast.
Perhaps the most bizarre response to the President’s decision came from Dr. Ben Carson, currently in a dead heat with Trump for the Republican nomination.
Dr. Carson told CNN that he felt confident that although Obama, whom he referred to as the “Antichrist,” had rejected the pipeline and thus insured a second Great Depression, God would provide oil to America if he was elected.
“When I’m elected president I plan on building a series of giant pyramids across the country that can store oil that can be used in case of emergencies such as the Rapture or End Times,” whispered the unbalanced former neurosurgeon. “God takes care of those who take care of themselves.”
Obama’s rejection of the pipeline marks the fifth time this year he has destroyed the country. Experts state that in all he has destroyed the country at least 32 times since taking office.
Lee Camp is a comedian who hosts a show on RT called Redacted Tonight. In the video below he refers to the recent case of Iceland jailing three more bankers- one of whom was even a Chief Executive. The bankers were actually being sent …
Europe admits keeping its border open this week has been a ‘catastrophic error’.
“Had we known then what we know now, we would’ve had the gates shut Monday night,” a spokesperson said.
She said the decision not to act had already inflicted untold suffering on Europeans. “We’re fundamentally weakened,” she said.
One European leader said the imperative to ‘love thy neighbour’ had backfired. “It was misguided altruism. If only we’d listened to Tony Abbott before he actually got here, we could have stopped this,” he said.
He has asked Mr Abbott to fax through his speech next time, rather than making the trip across.
See more of Jonathan Pie: http://voxpoliticalonline.com/tag/jonathan-pie/
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Anchors on The Weather Channel warned viewers in Texas and the southeast this morning that large quantities of water falling from the sky could possibly cause flooding.
Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion, anchor of the hit show America’s Morning Headquarters, a show that specializes in telling viewers what they already fucking know, told viewers that water, when coming down in fucking buckets from the leftovers of Hurricane Patricia, could conceivably cause problems for people in the path of the Biblical deluge.
“We like to err on the safe side and when possible induce as much panic as we possibly can,” said Champion, who, like the Weather Channel itself, is known for his brilliant grasp of the obvious.
“We’ve called all the governors of the southeastern United States and warned them that water was coming, and water can cause all kinds of problems. We also let them know that we will be monitoring the situation closely, and we’ve sent out scores of barely functional reporters dressed in Weather Channel rain coats and hats to stand around in puddles and let us know just how wet the water is.
“You just can’t be too careful with water,” continued Champion, “as everyone knows, an American drowns in a bathtub, spa, or hot tub every day in America. Water is dangerous as hell and we should all be terrified of it.”
Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana told the Times Picayune that he was grateful for the warning.
“I for one am grateful for the Weather Channel,” he said, “I never would have noticed that it’s raining cats and dogs outside if I hadn’t watched Sam’s show this morning. I make it a habit to tune in every morning so I know whether the sun is shining or not.”
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson picked up an important endorsement yesterday from the International Brotherhood of Village Idiots and Miscreants Union after his prediction that Hillary Clinton would be behind bars for her role in the Benghazi fiasco.
“We thought it was high time we supported one of our own in the 2016 presidential race,” said Dullard Gumby, president of the union. “We share many of Dr. Carson’s values and he exhibits many of the traits that make us idiots unique; he makes weird predictions that never come true, he mumbles incoherently when asked questions about complex problems, and he makes stuff up out of thin air.”
The endorsement is one of several Dr. Carson has picked up in recent weeks.
After Carson proclaimed that “the End Times were nigh,” during a speech at the Value Voters Summit last month, he received the official endorsement of the Insecure Religious Kooks Association.
Only last week Carson picked up the support of the High School Dropouts and River Widener’s Club for his inability to tell the difference between Iran and Iraq.
Perhaps the most perplexing of the endorsements came from the Taliban this summer.
Because of his insistence that America should become some kind of fascist theocracy along the lines of the current government in Iran, and his constant reminders to voters that God supports his candidacy, he became attractive to other groups that claimed divine inspiration.
“It’s not that important to us which religion he’s a member of” said Taliban field commander Mullah Muhammad Hasan Rehmani Skyhook, “just as long as he forces people to follow rules written by Iron Age cretins who didn’t know enough to wash their hands after defecating.”
Although the new endorsements will no doubt help Dr. Carson secure a win in Iowa, where dim-witted Republican voters share his weird outlook on world events, it is unclear whether they will help him win the GOP nomination.
“I have confidence in our voters,” said Reince Priebus, current chairman of the RNC. “There’s no way this dunce gets the nomination. Can you imagine Carson debating Clinton or Sanders? It would be a bloodbath.”
ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.
The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.
“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.
“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.
“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.
“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.
“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”
Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.
Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!
“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”
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