Tag: Weather

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Why Climate Change Is Not A Problem! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

A lot of people don’t seem to be able to distinguish between weather and climate. The climate is what happens over the long term, whereas weather is short term event. A reasonable comparison would be to consider a tennis player such as Coco Gauff. While she’s currently ranked number 3 in the world, there’s no certainty that she’ll win any individual match. However, it would be reasonable to predict that she will win several matches in the next six months and if she were to lose all of them, you’d have to say that there’s been a significant change in her form. In terms of this analogy, her ranking is like the climate while her performance on any given day is like the weather…

Source: Why Climate Change Is Not A Problem! – » The Australian Independent Media Network

Climate Science

No, Trump, you don’t want more Climate change for Northeast

No, Trump, you don’t want more Climate change for Northeast

So here are the top drawbacks for the Northeast of climate change, which rather cast into the shade a mere cold snap or two.

via No, Trump, you don’t want more Climate change for Northeast

Humour

Weather Channel Warns Of Cannibalism In Wake Of Winter Storm

 

NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.

“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.

Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.

“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”

Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.

“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”

 

Weather Channel Hopeful Late Season Snowstorm Could Produce High Body Count

 

ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.

“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.

“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.

“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.

“We have high hopes for this one.”

Humour

Weather Channel Hopeful Body Count Will Rise For Winter Storm Niko

Posted in weather

weatherchannel

 

ATLANTA – Anchors at the Weather Channel are warning that thousands could still die as the result of Winter Storm Niko which is currently pounding the northeast.

Reporting from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, an area that was not getting any fucking snow at all at the time, anchor and Weather Channel resident lunatic Jim Cantore gleefully pointed out that thousands of people have been stranded by canceled flights, leaving them susceptible to frostbite, hypothermia, or instant death from the large number of lightning strikes accompanying this storm.

Weather Channel meteorologist Jim Cantore gets the scoop.

“Just look at Connecticut! It’s saturated with lightning strikes! And there’s more to come!” yelled a maniacal Cantore, while pointing a three iron at the sky to emphasize his point.

Cantore advised everyone within 500 miles of New York city to cower indoors like rats in a burrow in order to avoid the elements and extend their lives for a few precious hours.

He advised residents of Manhattan to seek shelter in outdated, vermin-infested 1950’s era fallout shelters deep below ground.

“The worst is yet to come,” said a smiling Cantore, doing his best impression of the Abominable Dr. Phibes.

“I feel certain that we’re going to see the body count rise on this one.”

 

Humour, Uncategorized

Latest Computer Models Suggest Cable News Personnel Will Remain Hysterical For Duration Of Storm

Posted in weather

captainkirk

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – The latest computer models coming out of the National Hurricane Center in Miami are predicting that anchors and reporters for almost every cable outlet will remain hysterical until Hurricane Matthew deteriorates and heads out to sea.

NHC Director Rick Knabb told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that computer modeling from almost every U.S. source predicted that anchors and reporters in the field would continue to overstate the danger and act as if the world was coming to an end at any minute.

“We expect the melodrama to hit a fever pitch sometime this afternoon or evening,” said a frustrated Knabb. “It would be helpful if these idiots would just report the fucking news and get on with it.

“Everyone on earth knows that trees and stop signs are going to sway during windy conditions. We don’t need Hollywood productions of palm fronds flying around parking lots and dim-witted reporters trying to talk during downpours.

“Telling us the number of residents without power really doesn’t help either,” continued Knabb. “If folks can’t do without power for a few days they don’t deserve to live anyway.”

Knabb concluded by saying that although American computer models have been accurate in predicting cable channel behavior in the past, European models have proved to be virtually useless because foreign programmers just don’t have the experience with morons on television like we do in the U.S.

 

Humour

FEMA Director Warns Florida Residents Hurricane Matthew Even More Dangerous Than Governor Scott

Posted in politics, weather

rick55

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of FEMA Craig Fugate held a press conference this morning and announced that Hurricane Matthew posed a grave threat to life and limb along the east coast of Florida. He warned that Matthew had the potential to be even more destructive than Florida Governor Rick Scott, one of the most catastrophic leaders the state has ever seen.

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“I know it’s hard to believe, but Matthew could cause even more heartache and loss than Governor Scott’s disastrous six-year reign of terror,” warned Fugate. “We just can’t afford to underestimate the power of this storm. If we get a direct hit it could kill more people than Scott’s refusal to expand Medicaid.”

Fugate also warned that the destruction of property could be even worse than that caused by Scott’s mule-headed refusal to believe in climate change, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“This storm could do more damage to the great State of Florida than Scott’s redistricting amendments and his attempts to deny black folks the vote combined,” said an emotional Fugate, who hails from the Gunshine State.

“Everyone should take this storm seriously and evacuate to safer, more stable areas such as Georgia or Somalia. Haven’t we suffered enough in recent years?”

Governor Scott could not immediately be reached for comment on Fugate’s remarks as he was busy conducting a human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the Aztec goddess of storms, Chalchiuhtlicue.

Climate Change

New Research Helps Attribute Specific Extreme Weather to Climate Change | Common Dreams | Breaking News & Views for the Progressive Community

Climate scientists have long been pressed to answer the question “did climate change cause this?” in the days following the most recent devastating weather event. A watershed report (pdf) released Thursday helps those scientists to more conclusively answer: “yes.” The report, authored by the Washington, D.C.-based National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM), outlines a system to determine which extreme weather events are caused by climate change and to what extent.

Source: New Research Helps Attribute Specific Extreme Weather to Climate Change | Common Dreams | Breaking News & Views for the Progressive Community

Humour

METEOROLIGISTS GONE WILD: Weather Channel Takes Delivery On 55 Gallon Drum Of Astroglide

astroglide4

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that a 55 gallon drum of Astroglide has been delivered to the Weather Channel headquarters building in Atlanta in preparation for the annual Weather Channel Winter Storm Orgy that occurs during the first major frozen precipitation event of the season.

Wolf Blitzer told viewers today that unnamed sources within the Weather Channel “family” had phoned him and said that this year’s party celebrating the widespread panic and destruction caused by Winter Storm Jonas promised to “blow all the past orgies away.”

The sexual marathon is infamous in Atlanta and has been responsible for multiple unplanned pregnancies and vicious divorce proceedings in the past.

“I can’t begin to count the number of kids that have been conceived during this annual no-holes-barred (literally) sexual romp,” said Blitzer. “They get so excited and out of control over there that Coke bottles aren’t safe.”

“This year the office manager has apparently gone hog-wild and ordered enough lubricant for a herd of elephants,” said a visibly aroused Blitzer.

“They also bought out the entire stock from Tower liquor store on Piedmont and Green’s over on Buford Highway. There are rumors that Inserection and the Love Shack made deliveries early this afternoon. It’s meteorologists gone wild!”

The introduction of erectile dysfunction drugs a few years back turned the party from a one night fling into a test of endurance for the participants. In recent years the drug and alcohol fueled moral abomination has lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours, depending on the length of the blizzard and the number of road closures and casualties.

However, with the epic snowstorm now brewing in D.C. and along the Eastern Seaboard, no one has any idea how long this one will last. A memo from Weather Channel management obtained by Blitzer stressed the need for all employees to remain properly hydrated for the duration, but as a precaution emergency medical personnel from nearby hospitals have been put on alert.

Blitzer closed the segment by wishing all the Weather Channel employees “the very best of luck,” but lamented that this marks the fifth year in row he was not invited to the event.

 

Humour

Weather Channel Warns Viewers That Heavy Rain Can Cause Flooding

weatherchannel

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Anchors on The Weather Channel warned viewers in Texas and the southeast this morning that large quantities of water falling from the sky could possibly cause flooding.

Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion, anchor of the hit show America’s Morning Headquarters, a show that specializes in telling viewers what they already fucking know, told viewers that water, when coming down in fucking buckets from the leftovers of Hurricane Patricia, could conceivably cause problems for people in the path of the Biblical deluge.

“We like to err on the safe side and when possible induce as much panic as we possibly can,” said Champion, who, like the Weather Channel itself, is known for his brilliant grasp of the obvious.

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“We’ve called all the governors of the southeastern United States and warned them that water was coming, and water can cause all kinds of problems. We also let them know that we will be monitoring the situation closely, and we’ve sent out scores of barely functional reporters dressed in Weather Channel rain coats and hats to stand around in puddles and let us know just how wet the water is.

“You just can’t be too careful with water,” continued Champion, “as everyone knows, an American drowns in a bathtub, spa, or hot tub every day in America. Water is dangerous as hell and we should all be terrified of it.”

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana told the Times Picayune that he was grateful for the warning.

“I for one am grateful for the Weather Channel,” he said, “I never would have noticed that it’s raining cats and dogs outside if I hadn’t watched Sam’s show this morning. I make it a habit to tune in every morning so I know whether the sun is shining or not.”

Humour

Weather Channel To Begin Naming Cloudy Days

weatherchannel

ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – As of March 1st the Weather Channel will start assigning names to cloudy and overcast days, according to an announcement made this morning by Weather Channel spokesman Robert Buffoon.

“Cloudy days represent a very real threat to every American, particularly those who live in areas where clouds form,” said Buffoon. “Cloudy days can have a big impact on local economies as well as the psyches of those people dumb enough to let the weather dictate how they feel.”

Apocalypse_by_inSOLense

“In some regions of the United States you can even be arrested by overzealous police officers for smiling on a cloudy day, and we want to do our part to prevent this from happening by warning our viewers of impending cloud cover.”

The first cloudy day in March will be named Apocalypse, according to Buffoon. Some other names on the list of cloudy days this spring will include Cataclysm, Debacle, Fiasco, Holocaust, and Tragedy.

“We wanted to name these horrible and deadly weather events in such a way as to cause abject panic among our viewers. When you combine ominous-sounding names with end-of-the-world reporting, it really boosts our ratings, and that’s all we care about,” said Buffoon. “It’s basically the same formula we use with hurricanes and winter storms.”

naked_on_weather_channel_hurricane_irene

Buffoon assured reporters that no matter what the danger, Weather Channel personnel would be out making utter fools of themselves from all over affected regions during cloudy and overcast conditions.

“As you know from our record here at the Weather Channel, no one knows how to look like complete idiots better than us,” chuckled Buffoon.

The National Weather Service has not commented on the new policy, but a NOAA meteorologist who wished to remain anonymous told the Atlanta Journal Constitution that “You’re better off calling up your local witch doctor to get your weather forecast rather than relying on those clowns. They can’t predict from one moment to the next whether the sun will come up tomorrow.”