NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.
“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.
Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.
“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”
Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.
New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.
“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”
ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.
“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.
“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.
“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.
“We have high hopes for this one.”