Tag: sport
Just when it seemed like he had run out of things to say about his four-month training regime for the upcoming local marathon, work colleague Jeremy Layson found a whole new set of details deep inside his memory that he had previously failed to mention.
“He was definitely running out of steam. The conversation was trailing right off, and I thought I’d be able to get back to work,” said Rachael Hallam, who works with Layson.
“But then from nowhere he starts talking again, about the food he’s eating or something, and it was as if we were right back at the start of the conversation.
“I couldn’t believe it. I’d literally turned around to walk back to my desk”.
Layson said later that he had also felt the conversation was over. “I was done. I’d gone through my 10km, 15km, 20km and 30km schedules and times, I’d used up all the quotes I had about marathons being a metaphor for life. I’d even talked about the importance of balancing distance training with rest days. I’ll be honest, I was about to stop; end the conversation right there. Then I remembered diet”.
He said he was pleased to be able to complete the conversation in under four hours.
Catastrophic Spelling Error Sees Australian Croquet Team Take To Field In 4th Test
A terrible mix up has meant Australia’s national croquet team were forced to face up against England in Nottingham last night, instead of the cricket team.
The mistake was made when the croquet team accidently boarded the wrong bus in the morning. “We misspelt the sign on the front of the bus,” a spokesperson said.
It was tough going for the players, who were not prepared for the ball to be thrown at them at such pace. “I had my mallet out ready to hit the ball through the hoop, but then there was a guy running at me very quickly. I missed the hoop,” croquet player Michael Clarke said.
Another player, David Warner, said he was also confused about proceedings. I walked out onto the pitch and then moments later I was asked to leave. Maybe I did a double tap without realising it? I’m really not sure”.
Luckily for the croquet team the ordeal was over in about an hour.
Reports about the cricket team’s performance playing croquet are yet to be provided.
BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yet another cyclist was needlessly slaughtered on Hwy 30-A in South Walton this morning when a barely functional FSU cheerleader annihilated a moronic cyclist traveling east toward the dark and desolate bowels of nearby Bay County, cradle of cretinism.
Authorities have confirmed that Ms Airhead was texting her football player boyfriend with the results of a recent test for syphilis while lumbering along at over twice the speed limit in her Dad’s 6,000 lb leviathan of an SUV.
According to reports, Ms Airhead swerved to avoid a squirrel and plowed directly into Bernie Numbnuts, a women’s studies professor from Yale who, like so many of his fellow cyclists, steadfastly refused to use the multimillion dollar bike path three feet to his right but instead always insisted on risking his fucking life by sharing the two lane road with miscreants like Ms Airhead.
“The road belongs to us cyclists too, and drivers just need to be patient,” Numbnuts was fond of saying before he was subdivided into seven separate pieces of unrecognizable protoplasm.
After hearing of this latest in a long series of debates between gigantic rolling environmental nightmares and completely unprotected pompous ass cyclists dressed in cutoff wetsuits designed to show off their scrotums, Walton County Sheriff Michael Adkinson remarked, “It’s the height of dumbassery going on down thar at that thar beach. We may be a bunch of ignorant redneck hicks up here in DeFuniak Springs, but at least we know better than to try to share the fucking highway with a bunch of nitwits who never should be behind the wheel anyway.”
Former governor and current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who lives just down the street from where the accident occurred, took the opportunity to call a press conference and complain about the use of bicycles in areas clearly designed for the use of internal combustion engines. He also said that all cyclists were gay socialists and “were almost all certainly going to Hell anyway.”
No charges are expected to be filed against Ms Airhead as a result of her sausage-making activities because her father is a wealthy lawyer with contacts inside the Florida Republican Party.
ZURICH – (CT&P) -Soccer’s world governing body bought itself some time on Wednesday before beginning the most important process on its agenda—selecting a host for the 2026 World Cup—even as it scrambles to elect a new president.
FIFA said the 2026 bribing process, which was due to begin this fall, was on hold because of the separate U.S. and Swiss investigations that led to the arrest and detention of several FIFA officials in May. The organization also confirmed that it would hold an extraordinary executive committee meeting in July to set a date for a new presidential election, which is expected to fall in December.
“With so many of our top officials under indictment and unable to fulfill their nefarious duties, we are regretfully going to have to delay the bribe and blackmail process for the 2026 World Cup until sometime next spring,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA and human lamprey.
“The United States and Mexico are both in the running, so we’re looking forward to some very lucrative cash transfers from America and large shipments of narcotics as well as some attractive prostitutes from the cartels ‘south of the border.’
“We just thought it would be wise to delay things a while so our guys can repudiate all these ridiculous charges leveled by the FBI and Swiss authorities,” said Blatter, as he picked his mouthful of razor-sharp teeth with a golden toothpick.
During the press conference Blatter also mentioned that African and Asian countries should be building up their gold bullion reserves because the bribing process for 2030 would commence shortly after the 2026 site was determined.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Less than 24 hours after American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes, accusations have arisen from competing stables that he ran the race on underinflated hooves.
The victory at Belmont made the thoroughbred the first odd-toed ungulate to win the Triple Crown, the greatest achievement in horse racing, since 1978.
Pharoah ended the longest Crown drought by sweeping the sport’s top three races, becoming only the 12th horse ever to do so.
American Pharoah, ridden by jockey Victor Espinoza, beat a tough field of seven other thoroughbreds by 5 1/2 lengths.
Espinoza guided the three-year-old colt to the rail at the start, taking the lead in the first quarter. Trailing American Pharoah for most of the race was Materiality, before Mubtaahij and Frosted made plays for second. But no one could overtake the lightning fast Pharoah.
Espinoza, the intrepid jockey who piloted Pharoah to victory, secured his spot in history by yelling “Holy Shit!” shortly after he crossed the finish line.
But today ugly rumors have surfaced concerning the thoroughbred’s propensity to underinflate his hooves prior to race time.
Competitors Frosted, Keen Ice, and Mubtaahij told reporters from Ungulate Weekly that Pharoah has been cheating all season long, and complaints to racing officials have fallen on deaf ears.
“That bastard runs every damn race with underinflated hooves, and we believe it gives him an unfair advantage,” said Frosted.
“That’s right,” said Keen Ice. “That pompous ass pretty boy has a special trainer he calls his ‘Deflater’ who tampers with his hooves prior to every race. It’s cheating and it’s damn disgraceful!”
Mubtaahij then went on a 15 minute diatribe about the situation but most of it was unintelligible because he was speaking in Arabic.
Racing officials have promised to look into the allegations raised by Pharoah’s competitors but no one believes that anything serious will happen.
“We’re probably talking about some fines and maybe some minor reprimands here,” said Racing Commissioner Roger Equus. “I don’t think Pharoah’s Triple Crown victory will be overturned.”
ZURICH – (CT&P) – Obergruppenführer Sepp Blatter resigned his post this morning as FIFA president and has accepted a position within the Bratva, or Russian mafia. Mr. Blatter told reporters that he regretted leaving the corrupt organization he had worked so hard to build, but with the FBI and Swiss authorities closing in, he felt he had no choice.
“I’m very proud of the work I have done at FIFA,” said Blatter. “We took an organization that had a relatively good reputation and over a period of 17 years we managed to turn it into one of the premier criminal enterprises on the planet.”
“I’m leaving FIFA with a clear conscience and a large bank account,” said Blatter, “and I look forward to serving my new employers with the same creativity and enthusiasm I displayed while in charge of soccer’s ruling body.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin expressed delight with the turn of events.
“The imperialist swine from the United States have tried to destroy this innocent man by dragging his good name through the mud of their capitalist pigsties. We welcome him, his aides, and his young Asian sex slaves to Mother Russia. His experience in extortion, larceny, and blackmail will be an invaluable asset as we prepare our glorious stadiums for the 2018 World Cup.”
Nearly all international political and sports pundits are in agreement that Blatter should do quite well inside the Russian Mob as it is so similar to FIFA in almost every respect.
PHOENIX, ARIZONA (CT&P) – Ruler of the Universe and Supreme Being the Lord Our God abruptly abandoned Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks yesterday and instead backed the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, leading them to a 28-24 victory over the reigning champions. The fickle deity explained that his decision to allow the Patriots to win was just “a spur of the moment thing,” like a destructive earthquake or a deadly tsunami.
“I just felt like letting the Patriots win,” said God. “Besides, all that groveling that went on after the NFC Championship game made me sick. I despise groveling. Wilson needs to get some sort of life and quit referring to me all the time. He has about as much knowledge of my will as he does algebra.”
God explained that he let Jermaine Kearse make a miracle catch that made the Seahawks think they had the game in the bag, only to summon Lucifer to make the final play call when the ball was only a few feet from the goal line.
“Sometimes I really enjoy toying with you know-it-all talking monkeys,” chuckled God.
The Seahawks botched their chance to become Super Bowl winners for the second year in a row when a throw was intercepted 36 inches from the end zone, but the team’s quarterback will not be brought down. Russell Wilson responded on Twitter to the many critics that have trashed the Seattle Seahawks’ last-minute decision not to rush the ball in the game-ending play as the “worst call in Super Bowl history.”
“At 26 years old, I won’t allow 1 play or 1 moment define my career,” Wilson tweeted Monday morning. “I will keep evolving.”
God responded to Wilson’s tweet by saying, “That’s a damn weird response from someone who does not believe in evolution.”
Head Coach Pete Carroll gave a bizarre and downright stupid explanation for the play: “It’s not the right match-up for us to run the football, so on second down, we throw the ball, really to kind of waste that play. If we score, we do. If we don’t, then we’ll run it on third and fourth down. Really, with no second thoughts or hesitation in that at all.”
Carroll continued to speak in tongues for the rest of the interview, offering no rational explanation for his actions or those of his theologian-quarterback.
None of the Seahawks personnel seemed to be aware that God had intervened to crush their hopes and send them packing back to Seattle with their tails between their legs.
When asked by reporters after the game whether he still believed that “God is too good all the time,” as he said after the miracle win over the Packers, Wilson replied, “God is really great when we win, but when we lose he is a real bastard.”
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