Category: Humour

Humour, Trust

Interval. Remember the days when this was all you had to worry about

Evil Clown Stalks Party Goers In Southern Califor

chrisclown

Police are desperately trying to identify a middle-aged white male who has been showing up at parties in southern California and spiking food and drinks with some form of high-powered blotter acid. Law enforcement officials have so far been stymied because the individual always shows up dressed as Shakes the Clown.

Known in Los Angeles as “Mr. Happy” or “Zarathustra” by more enlightened members of the community, the man refers to himself as “Flashback The Clown,” and tells party goers that he has been hired as entertainment by the homeowner. He then proceeds to clandestinely dump copious quantities of hallucinogens into any available foodstuffs or liquids offered by the host.

“Mr. Happy” then just sits on the sidelines and smiles as chaos ensues.

chrisclancy

Victim Claire Cueball related her story to Fox News after being dosed at a quiet get-together over the weekend.

“It was terrifying! One minute we’re all just sitting there having fun discussing politics and Justin Bieber, and then the next minute I’m seeing velociraptors scurry around in the scrub behind the house,” said Cueball. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same. My husband still has scales and gives off a pale green aura if I look at him too long.”

LAPD public relations officer Edith “Kill the Poor” Adams told reporters that it was vital that the prankster be stopped before he does some real damage.

“We have not experienced this level of fear in the community since the Illinois Enema Bandit made an appearance here in the late 70’s. I mean, it’s all well and good for folks to start disrobing and playing Europe 72 over and over again until dawn, but we’re scared to death that some of these people will get in their cars and start roaming the interstates. This dude has to be stopped!”

 

Humour

Hunting Season

Hunting Accidents Rise As IQs Decline

idiotgun-18

As hunting season begins all across America, hundreds of thousands of sexually insecure men with firearms are flooding ever-dwindling wildlife management areas in an effort boost their sagging self esteem by murdering innocent mammals.

buck-and-fragmentation

The resulting chaos is predictable; terrified animals fleeing the dullards firing at anything that moves, an increase in automobile accidents caused by deer crossing busy highways in an effort to escape, and thousands of hunters and non-hunters alike becoming victims of gunshot wounds, many of them fatal.

One wonders what satisfaction these savages derive from inflicting a horrible and painful death upon these poor animals, but at least we can take solace in the fact that more and more hunters are removed from the gene pool each year by their own hands, and that should make the women of America happy, as a small penis and shrunken testicles are not exactly in high demand.

One citizen who is overjoyed by the alarming rise in gunshot fatalities in the U.S. is Bobby “Buck” Churcheson, president of the Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League.

“We have been protesting the murder of our fellow ungulates for decades,” said Churcheson. “Ever since it became apparent that these hunter types no longer needed us for food but were just killing us for sport, we have been telling anyone who will listen that what these dim wits need is counseling, not hunting licenses. Anyone who derives pleasure from going out and inflicting pain on a defenseless animal is a truly sick individual.”

Although Churcheson admits that Homo sapiens as a species is undoubtedly the pinnacle of evolution and natural selection, he makes it clear that something is clearly missing from the giant human pre-frontal cortex.

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“Something went wrong somewhere, that much is obvious,” said Churcheson, as he chewed on some unidentified plant matter.

“You guys run around sawing off each others heads and bombing brown people by the thousands in the name of religion. You have polluted the planet almost to the point of no return, and you treat half of your citizens like dirt. And what’s with this fracking shit? Even a fucking wild hog could tell you that it’s not a good idea to force poison into the earth under high pressure and expect nothing bad to happen. I mean, what are you humans thinking?”

Churcheson does not expect a change in attitudes among most human beings, but he has an optimistic outlook on the future nonetheless.

“You hominids have only been around for few minutes in geologic time. You’ll fade away and go extinct soon enough, and the earth will recover. In the meantime we at the League can only hope that more and more hunters will come to the realization that no matter how many animals they murder in cold blood, their dicks are not going to get any bigger than they already are.”

Australian Shame, Humour, ISIS, Tony Abbott

We are further away but even there before the UK. We are the first to Jump and ask “How High”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=dDw-zFFhFgc

Fools rush in: Tony Abbott joins a war without definition

Date
September 15, 2014

Committing of forces gathers pace

US Secretary of State John Kerry says countries inside and outside the Middle East have pledged military support against IS militants with some nations offering ground troops

The smart thing for Western leaders in the wake of John Kerry’s session with Arab leaders in Jeddah on Thursday last, would have been to bide their time. But Tony Abbott leapt straight in – committing 600 Australian military personnel and more aircraft to the conflict, thereby giving the Arab leaders good reason to believe that if they sit on their hands for long enough, the West will fight their war for them.
Either collectively in Jeddah or in one-on-one meetings with Kerry as in Cairo, Iraq, Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman and Lebanon all have baulked at making explicit military commitments to confront a force that they all see as a direct threat to their thrones, bunkers and, in one or two cases, tissue-thin democracies. With the exception of Iraq, which has no option because it is under attack at home, none has publicly committed military support.

Conversely, Abbott was coy in claiming that this new deployment did not mean that Australia was at war??? Australia has been at war since its first airlift of weapons and ammunition to the Kurdish Peshmerga in the north of Iraq last week.
Because they are on the ground in the UAE doing logistics and maintenance or in Baghdad and Irbil as military advisers certainly would not absolve any of them from being a target if IS fighters contrived to get access to them. It’s also a dramatic instance of mission-creep in a conflict bedevilled by uncertainty and missing any clear sense of a timeline or even the vague contours of what “victory” might look like.

US President Barack Obama demanded that Iraq form an inclusive, representative government before he would commit. But just three days after the new prime minister said he would behave himself, Obama had aircraft over Iraq, and we still know nothing about how different this Iraqi leadership will be from the last. There is no certainty that it will win the confidence of the Iraqi Sunni tribes.
An air war cannot succeed without a substantial boots-on-the-ground accompaniment – and that part of what Obama calls a strategy is very much on a wing and a prayer.

The Kurdish Peshmerga can fight, but they can’t defend all of Iraq. The Iraqi army, trained and equipped by Washington at a cost of hundreds of billions of dollars, is erratic and more likely to cut and run than to stand and fight. Next door in Syria, Obama is banking of the ranks of the Free Syrian Army – which for years he has complained could not be counted on, and which Washington now tries to convince us can be taken to Saudi Arabia, retrained and sent home to win the war.

Abbott must have had his hands over his ears last week as Obama spoke to the US nation and analysts around the globe distilled his words to mean a conflict that will last for years.Oddly, the Prime Minister warned Australians to prepare for a fight that might last “months rather than weeks, perhaps many, many months indeed…” Seems he’s in as much of a hurry to get into this war, as he seemingly thinks he will get out of it. He’s simply hides from the truth.

It’s not clear why. This “we must do something right now” response is likely to create a bigger mess than already exists in the region. Consider: the death of 200,000 locals in Syria failed to rouse much of a reaction in the West; but the deaths of two Americans – and now a Briton – has raised a crescendo for international war when it might have made more sense to tackle regional politicking and feuding first.

 

ASIO, Humour, Morals, Tony Abbott

So why would you suddenly and very dramatically advertise it now?

“Then he said with a look of concern that we had to raise our level of public alert because of David Irvine …Brilliant!!!”

CarbonPriceCelebration

“There are people with the intent and the capability to mount attacks,” he said. So what is new about that? We have always known that. You only have to go back and have a look at some of the news broadcasts of 2001 and 2002 to see that. There is no logic for this public alert.

So if we look at the man and where it’s coming from the Prime Minister Tony Abbott.It smacks of political skulduggery. Our existing security organisations engaged in fighting terrorism are highly trained, well equipped and properly briefed. They have had over a decade to train and prepare. They are the ones who will maintain a vigilant presence and foil a terrorist plot, not you or I. They don’t need a nervous public overreacting, spreading fear and uncertainty, peering curiously at Muslim women dressed in the hijab; people who are simply going about their normal business.

As a cynic I believe it’s a dumb plan by a political party and its leader to strike fear into the heart of the Australian community. However not all of us are it’s a cruel plan the kind of  plan a student political bully might go for if his ranking in the polls was lagging

ASIO, Australia, Australia's Shame, Humour, Tony Abbott

Terror threat level has been raised from “Concerned” to “Get my poll numbers up now”.

The Chicken Little-in-Chief’s Big Scare

Bob Ellis 13 September 2014, 1:00pm

http://wochit.com/explore/video/59564069


The terror threat level has just been raised in Australia from medium to high — but Bob Ellis isn’t buying it.

It’s interesting what the Liberals think is a popular thing to do. Spending a billion looking forever, fruitlessly, for bits of a downed plane. Spending a hundred million looking for bits of bodies on a downed plane and ‘bringing them home’. Inviting Protestants, Buddhists, Jews and Muslims into a Catholic cathedral to speak before a crucified Christ. Going to war, again, in Iraq if the guys who lost the last two Iraq Wars ask them to. And, lately, a Terrorist Red Alert.

There may be ‘inconvenience’ at football finals, we hear, and airports, as if the ‘terrorists’ would go anywhere near such places. The last terrorist outrage at a sporting event was the kidnap and murder of some Israeli weightlifters at the 1972 Olympics, which set back Arafat’s PLO by fifty years, and no-one has done any such thing since then; you don’t kill sporting heroes, you don’t do that. The last terrorist incident on a plane was the Underpants Bomber, and full-body imaging makes it hard for that cock-up to be repeated.

What ‘terrorists’ often attack is suburban trains (London, Madrid, Tokyo), and they do it for the obvious reason that they can bring suitcases, backpacks, shopping bags on to them, can leave them on shelves or under seats and detonate them remotely.

Curiously, this particular Red Alert makes no mention of this. It’s in part because it’s impossible to police. If random electronic searches hold up four trains each morning and nothing is found, and five school buses, the Government falls.

If the government is serious, they must do random searches on every opening night a politician goes to — the Wharf Revue, The King And I, the Bob Dylan concert. They must upend, disrupt and inconvenience every political party conference. Labor’s conference in Sydney Town Hall, which had a pro-Gaza demonstration next door, could be entered by anyone, and observed from the gallery upstairs. Carr, Shorten, Plibersek were at it, Clare, Rees, Firth, Robbo, Albo, Faulkner, any one of whom could have been seized at gunpoint and beheaded on Facebook. So could a similar cast at Neville Wran’s funeral in the same crowded venue.

Abbott’s biking and Iron Man events must be discontinued, clearly. Joe Hockey’s visits to his Queensland farm must be overflown by vigilant thumping helicopters. Julie Bishop’s visits to Geneva must be accompanied by armed motorcades.
Do we believe any of this? Well, no, we don’t. The reason is that the terrorists’ resources are limited, and the people they want to terrorise aren’t living here in Australia. People wanting to set up a Syria-Lebanon-Iraq-Egyptian caliphate are not going to bomb Newcastle Town Hall. They are not going to kidnap and behead Peter Hartcher. They are going to concentrate their efforts round Mosul, Baghdad, Samara.

The ‘terrorist virus’ theory the Liberals are trying on lately – that young men, infected in Syria by beasts who want to overthrow Assad, will come back here and blow up a cricket match – lacks what Poirot would call

“… a believable motive, ’Astings. What do they ’ave to gain by doeeng zat?”

They have a lot to lose — their lives, their intimacy of their young wives, the love of their children, the suburban contentment of their mothers, cousins, old grandfathers. Why would they do it? What lost homelands would they liberate in Strathfield, Logan, Collingwood? Why would they do it?

And why haven’t they done it already? Muslim Afghans have been here since 1830, Muslim Pakistanis, Indonesians, Somalians for twenty, twenty-five years. And the last terrorist attack on our soil was by Martin Bryant, an Anglo-Saxon, in 1996, and the one before that, the Hilton Bombing, in 1978, was contrived not by terrorists but ASIO.

Oh, similar things do happen here. Bikie gang wars, Underbelly assassinations, suburban ‘incidents’ where the crazed fathers of kidnapped children shoot it out with the police. But nothing of the kind we know as ‘terrorist’ – the Bali bombing, the Tube train massacre – on our soil since the Battle of Broken Hill in 1916.

How much money will this nonsense cost us? Where’s it coming from? The shelved GP co-payment? What? And what evidence is there for alarm? None, evidently. Apart from two young men who are about to go to Syria to fight, as Obama advises, against ISIL.
Abbott, caught in a moral tangle as usual, says going to war with ISIL is a criminal offence if boys from Logan do it, but an heroic act if Diggers do it and it won’t endanger Australians at all — we won’t provoke the ‘terrorists’ by going to war with them.

And he won’t go to war unless the Americans tell him to — the Americans who got it so right last time, destroying six million lives, and causing ISIL while they were there. He’ll consult the Americans, but not the Australian people. And he’ll body-search Australians at football finals in case they’ve got atomic weapons up their clackers.

Dare we call this excessive? Deluded? Hyperbolic? Demented? Wasteful of, ho ho, the taxpayers’ money?

More Australians have died from backyard pool drownings in the last five years than ‘terrorism’ in the last hundred, on our soil. Fifty times as many from funnel-web spider bites. Twenty times as many, each day, from cigarettes. Four times as many, each week, from road accidents.

What you have to do in Big Scare politics is make the people believe you. Believe you, Tony Abbott. And one of the ways you do that is behaving as if you yourself believe it. And unless there are full-body searches of every foreigner at the Crown Casino, or The King And I, or the Melbourne Cup, or the corridors outside ICAC, no-one will believe you believe it.

Abbott says, ‘Carry on with your lives as usual’, and ‘Look, look, the terrorists might be strapped with bombs at the next Grand Final’ simultaneously.

What an oaf he is. What a creepy, Americanised, frantic fool.

What a Chicken Little-in-Chief.

Embedded image permalink

ASIO, Hilarious, Humour, Tony Abbott, Trust

Coming to a place near you Cedar Bay. No police convicted It. There will be repitition.

Cedar Bay

 

 On the 29th August 1976, Queensland police raided Cedar Bay with the help of a naval vessel, and destroyed houses and rainwater tanks before taking those arrested to Cairns…Queensland police said they had done this raid in support of the NSW police

Cedar Bay

Cedar Bay is about 100 miles North of Cairns. The commune is a series of gardens and huts with communal kitchens built behind the beach along the three mile stretch of sand.

At the North End, the huts stretch along a track which leads from the glistening sand to the towering North Queensland rain forest.

The police began their raid several hours before dawn on August 29, 1976, by taking over a farm with an airstrip some distance inland. They brought in a helicopter to attack the commune from the air, while a naval boat came from the sea and a land party moved in along the land track.

Twelve of the inhabitants were captured. Some were handcuffed with their hands behind their backs around trees. Others were tied up with fishing nets. Others the women were whisked away by helicopter.

While the inhabitants were helpless, the huts were set alight with baby clothes used as kindling. The vegetable gardens were trampled, the water tank shot up, the paw-paw and banana trees slashed.

The charges brought against these people living 40 miles from Cooktown on private property were mainly of vagrancy. Eight were charged with vagrancy, three with possession, one with growing marijuana.

The magistrate from Cooktown was on leave so was the Clerk of Courts so the next clerk down the line found the 12 guilty and fined or gaoled them.

When it was decided he had no power to do so, the gaoled were freed and then re arrested on the same charges.

The Queensland Council for Civil Liberties has set up a fund not only to give legal defence but to give legal aid to civil action against those who burnt and destroyed the communes property.

Killer Hunt In Hippie Commune

The Sun Herald

Sunday December 13, 1992

Ted Howes

ON August 29, 1976, police and customs agents, wearing paramilitary gear, swooped on an isolated hippie commune in thick scrub between Cairns and Cooktown.

The raid cost more than $50,000 and involved a helicopter, light aircraft and a Navy vessel.

The result was the arrest of 12 young people on drug and vagrancy charges.

But some police involved in the operation were later accused of taking part in an orgy of wanton destruction, which led to 25 charges, including arson, being laid against four officers.

The allegations opened a can of worms within the police force and thrust the then Queensland Premier, Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen, into a slanging match with Church groups, civil libertarians, the State Opposition and even his own police commissioner.

The public began to wonder why such military-style planning, enormous expense and considerable State and Federal police manpower had gone into a small-time drug raid.

Queensland’s Federal Member for Leichhardt, John Gayler, who represented the Cedar Bay residents during the inquiry, claims hippies were arrested on”trumped-up” drug and vagrancy charges to cover up a blunder by Cairns police

Mr Gayler, breaking 16 years of silence, said the real target of the raid was a murderer who had escaped from Cairns watch house earlier that month.

Bernard Wilton, in his early 30s, was facing drug charges when he escaped from the lock-up through a hole in the roof.

A furore erupted within police circles when, hours later, Interpol revealed Wilton was also wanted for drug-related murders overseas.

“The police went ape when they found out they had an international murderer in their grasp – and let him escape,” Mr Gayler said.

“When police received information that Wilton was being looked after by hippies at Cedar Bay they planned the raid with Federal Police and the Navy.

“The raid had nothing to do with cannabis but the police were not going to admit their blunder.

“When they found Wilton wasn’t at the camp at all, they needed to justify such time, effort and expense.” Wilton, who was believed to have been involved in a drug-smuggling operation from Indonesia, is still wanted by Queensland police.

Former Queensland Chief Superintendent Don Becker said his investigations with Inspector Syd Atkinson into allegations of police arson and destruction of property at Cedar Bay led him to believe the raid was intended to snare drug smugglers.

“It’s possible the raid was solely intended to capture Wilton but, if so, it would make it one of the biggest fiascos I’ve ever heard of,” Mr Becker said.

“To try to capture one man – a very cunning criminal – from a helicopter is absurd. Whichever way you look at it, whether to capture Wilton or break a drug-smuggling ring, the entire operation was a fiasco.”

HIPPIES involved in the raid, and former Queensland Police Commissioner Ray Whitrod, who insisted on an inquiry into police conduct during the blitz, remember the bitter Cedar Bay affair with regret.

Former hippie Charles Gifford, who was a key witness at the Cedar Bay inquiry into police misconduct in 1977, describes the time as an “intense period of frustration and anger”.

Mr Whitrod, now living in South Australia, was then fighting for police reforms and said he was sorry the controversy “didn’t do more to raise public awareness” of the extent of police corruption during the Sir Joh era.

At the Cedar Bay inquiry, police were accused of burning huts, smashing personal belongings, destroying clothing, chopping down fruit plantations and, ironically, consuming alcohol at the site following the drug raid.

Police, in their defence, tendered evidence of squalid living conditions and described the commune’s inhabitants as “filthy, criminal hippies”.

They maintained they had done the right thing because it was “in the public interest” to burn the settlement to the ground.

Mr Gifford, however, believes the anarchic streak police displayed during the raid was fuelled by an “intense fear of people who chose to adopt an alternative lifestyle”.

He now lives with his family at Bloomfield, 10km south of Cedar Bay, and says his occasional visits to the site spark bitter feelings over the incident, the inquiry into police conduct, and the acquittal of the four police officers who faced arson charges.

“We were just harmless people living the way we wanted to,” he said.

“The raid started with a helicopter buzzing our camp, then came a troop of about 20 guys wearing paramilitary gear jogging up the beach, taking cover, then jogging up again.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes; it was just so weird. I dashed into the bush, hid, and watched.”

Mr Gifford said police trashed the camp, shot coconuts out of trees with their service revolvers and ripped out fruit and vegetable plots.

He said the most frustrating aspect, as a witness at the inquiry, was”knowing what really happened but not being able to do anything about it”.

“The police had done a great injustice and we just watched in amazement as they got away with everything,” he said.

“The stories and lies they told about us during that trial were absolute rubbish; they made it up as they went along, and they got away with it. I keep in touch with people who were involved with the raid and I think they feel pretty much the same way.”

Mr Gifford said he was living at Cedar Bay with friends in a “bush camp”arrangement at the time.

He said there “may have been a bit of smoke” (marijuana) at the camp but he had never envisaged a full-scale drug raid involving the armed forces.

“It’s pretty scary when people become so angry and resentful of others who choose to live differently. Perhaps they see it as a threat to their own way of life,” he said.

Mr Whitrod, 78, said the Cedar Bay episode was one of the most traumatic experiences of his life.

He said a great source of his angst lay in his terse relationship with the Premier, Sir Joh.

“My relationship with Joh at the time was severely strained because he felt he was acting as a perfectly reasonable person who was doing the right thing. I disagreed,” Mr Whitrod said.

“I insisted on an inquiry into the affair because I felt that police had acted improperly in destroying dwellings.

“I knew there had to be something more to the Cedar Bay business than just a drug raid but at the time I was in the dark about it.

“To my utter frustration, all police who were charged were acquitted – but then it was very difficult to get a conviction against a policeman in those days.”

Mr Whitrod said he believed Sir Joh “wasn’t acting in the best interests of Queensland” when he tried to stifle the inquiry.

“But he (Sir Joh) steadfastly believed he was acting in the best interests of the public and probably still does,” Mr Whitrod said.

“The potential for an incident like that to happen again in Queensland is certainly there. It will be only a matter of time before history repeats itself.”

ASIO, Humour

Australia is about to introduce new security laws and let the clowns out

Something about those Bolt readers they are everywhere

Very funny if it wasn’t serious this will be happening somewhere near or to you

 

florida

ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”americanfront1

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”
Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”
After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.
“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.
Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

americanfront4

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.
The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.
Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

Climate, Humour

He couldn’t get the Job in Australia because of..Abbott

Smith was forced to leave Australia but hopes to be back

agentsmith

Disgusted with the glacial pace of environmental reform and the gas coal and oil industry’s stubborn refusal to admit culpability for the world’s ongoing climate crisis, President Obama has announced sweeping changes at the EPA including the appointment of a new administrator, Agent Smith.

Agent_Smith_Clone

“Smith knows how to get things done,” said the President, at a brief White House press conference this morning. “We believe that Smith’s ability to replicate himself and seemingly be everywhere at once will save us money on inspectors and help cut through bureaucratic red tape. After all, nearly everyone is terrified of the man, and all those who have taken him on in the past have ended up dead.”

Smith told reporters that he was honored to be taking over the leadership role at EPA, as  he had long wanted to do something about the plague of humans destroying what was once a pristine planet.

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“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here,” said Smith. “It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and I am the cure.”

The appointment of Smith was made over protests from nearly every industry leader in the United States, who have had free rein to run roughshod over environmental rules and regulations up to this point.

Humour

Glenn is an Avid Reader of Andrew Bolt

Glenn Beck Predicts Asteroid Strike On 9/11

asteroid

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Conspiracy theorist and right-wing nutcase Glenn Beck reported today that a coalition of terrorist groups led by ISIS, the Taliban, and Al-Qaeda In The Florida Peninsula (ALF) have successfully re-routed a huge asteroid that is poised to strike earth in the early morning hours of September 11th.

glennbeck3

Only yesterday Beck reported that 11 commercial jet-liners were missing from Tripoli International Airport and were destined to be flown to a town near you in order to immolate your friends and entire extended family in huge fireballs of Muslim retribution.

The revelations were seen and heard by the dozens of regular viewers of the Glenn Beck program on Beck’s fantasy television network, TheBlaze. TheBlaze is a site dedicated to terrifying the mentally challenged with ridiculous conspiracy theories, grammar school-level historical revisionism, and religious and political propaganda worthy of the best efforts of Joseph Goebbels.

“We are not quite sure where these heathen got the technology to re-route huge boulders millions of miles out in space, but I suspect that the Iranians are involved,” said Beck, as saliva dripped from one corner of his mouth.

GlennBeckCrying

“It is quite possible that President Obama handed over the top-secret tractor beam technology to the Iranians as part of his efforts to appease Islam, because everyone knows he is secretly working with the U.N. towards building a worldwide caliphate that would eventually mean the end of all logical and rational religions such as the LDS,” said the unhinged Beck, who began rolling a couple of steel ball bearings around in his left hand.

“I urge all my fans and followers to demand action by the U.S. government to intercept the planes and rocks that will be hurtling towards us on September 11th, lest the world as we know it come to an end,” said an emotional Beck, as two of his aides pulled him from in front of the camera.

No independent verification of Beck’s claims has so far been made.

Many sane sources believe that the revelations are on par with some of Beck’s other theories, including the worldwide attempt by climate scientists to silence all dissenters, “just like Hitler,” or comparing embryonic stem cell research to Nazi eugenics programs, or his claim that he had deciphered a “secret code” that proved President Obama was trying to set up an oligarchy.

Of course we won’t know for sure until September 12th rolls around, but Las Vegas odds-makers have said that Beck has about a one in a billion chance of being correct, based on his past performance.

Humour

Do the Pictures of Putin remind you of anyone?

Obama Holds Urgent Talks With Leaders Of Countries Under No Threat Whatsoever

Posted in humor, politics

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In response to the ongoing third-world crises in Iraq, Ukraine, and Ferguson, Missouri, President Obama flew to a region under no particular immediate threat whatsoever in an attempt to confuse our enemies into thinking we have no fucking idea what we are doing.

At a press conference in Estonia, Mr. Obama pledged unwavering support for Poland and the Baltic countries in the event that Russian troops invaded and took over the region.

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“I want the people of the Baltic Rim to know that if Russia ever poses a threat to their freedom, the full might of the U.S. military will hovering somewhere in the general vicinity, ready to look mean and issue dire threats to the invading Cossacks,” said the President.

“The people of Estonia will never stand alone against the Russian threat,” said Obama, “the people of the United States will stand firmly behind you and think pleasant thoughts as you are enslaved once again by oppressors from the East.”

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The President also outlined his plan for defeating the savage religious zealots of ISIS, currently running amok in Syria and parts of Iraq.

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“We have initiated an emergency war plan called ‘Operation Dropkick,’ which calls for the redeployment of a crack unit of shock troops to Iraq in order to fight the terrorists of ISIS,” said Obama.

Obama told journalists that the shock troops, known for their brutality and lack of compassion, consist of the combined police forces of Ferguson and St. Louis County Missouri. They will be airlifted along with all their military equipment to Baghdad next week and transported (via forced busing) to the front lines, where they will be turned loose on the vile and evil terrorists.

“This combined force, known as the ‘Devil’s Brigade,’ will be the spearhead of our effort to wipe ISIS off the map,” said the President.

The President told members of the press that the “Devil’s Brigade” was originally slated to fight in eastern Ukraine, but it was thought that the unit would not be able to work up enough hatred to fight members of its own race, so it was redirected to Iraq.

“As long as the Kurds keep those bigots pointed in the right direction, I have confidence that our problems with ISIS will soon be over,” said Mr. Obama.

While Obama was talking tough in Estonia, leader of the Russian hordes Vladimir Putin was conducting solo reconnaissance missions of the Ukrainian front lines along the Kalmius River. He still assures the world that Russian intentions are completely peaceful and he has no plans for invasion within the next 8 to 24 hours.