Tag: Tom Cotton

WAR

‘Tehran Tom’ Cotton Says Americans Don’t Mind War As Long As They Win | Man after Bolt’s heart

'Tehran Tom' Cotton Says Americans Don't Mind War As Long As They Win

‘Tehran Tom’ Cotton Says Americans Don’t Mind War As Long As They Win | Crooks and Liars.

Humour

Cotton Denies Replicant Rumors, Agrees To Further Testing

cotton1

LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – A statement released today from Senator Tom Cotton’s (R-AR) office in Little Rock vehemently denied that the senator is a Nexus series replicant or any other type of biorobotic android. The statement also denied that Senator Cotton was brain-damaged from his time in the service or suffered from any debilitating neurological disorder, and claimed that he was perfectly willing to undergo further testing to prove he was nothing but your average Arkansas cattle farmer.

Rumors have swirled around the junior senator from Arkansas from nearly the beginning of his political career because of his apparent inability to engage in critical thought. That, combined with an insatiable bloodlust for humans of Arab or Persian descent, has led many to believe that he is some sort of android manufactured in a lab.

cotton3

It has even been posited by some conspiracy kooks that he may be the Antichrist, which they say is the only thing that could explain such a mediocre intellect’s meteoric rise to power within the U.S. Government.

The rumors and speculation had died down in recent weeks as his fellow Republicans took pains to water down his insane ideas and wild speculations. However, during a Thursday afternoon press conference all that changed. While outlining his plan to nuke every capital in the Middle East as well as Tehran as a warning to Muslims that “they better not fuck with us,” Cotton had an exchange with a reporter from the Washington Post that has reignited speculation that he may be some sort of malfunctioning robot.

WP reporter James Grimaldi, who has long suspected Cotton of being an android, asked Cotton a series of hypothetical questions designed to provoke an emotional response. Grimaldi conducted the impromptu Voight-Kampff test in order to prove once and for all that Cotton was indeed a “skin-job.”

cotton5

Here is the text of the exchange between Grimaldi and Cotton:

Grimaldi: You’re in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down…

Senator Cotton: What one?

Grimaldi: What?

Senator Cotton: What desert?

Grimaldi: It doesn’t make any difference what desert Tom, it’s completely hypothetical.

Senator Cotton: But, how come I’d be there?

Grimaldi: Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Maybe you want to kill some Muslims. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Tom. It’s crawling toward you…

Senator Cotton: Tortoise? What’s a tortoise?

replicant2

Grimaldi: You know what a turtle is?

Senator Cotton: Of course!

Grimaldi: Same thing.

Senator Cotton: I’ve never seen a turtle… But I understand what you mean.

Grimaldi: You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back, Tom. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help Tom, but you’re not helping.

Senator Cotton: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I’M NOT HELPING?

Grimaldi: I mean: you’re not helping! Why is that, Tom?

hydrogenbomb2

At that point the senator began to tremble and sweat profusely. He then began opening and closing his mouth like a bass lying in the bottom of a boat. Aides to the senator quickly stopped the presser and escorted a visibly shaken Cotton off the stage and into a backroom.

Grimaldi later told fellow journalists that had he been allowed to continue the test, he was certain that he could have elicited a violent response, or perhaps even a complete shutdown of the senator’s systems.

“I’m more convinced than ever that Senator Cotton is some sort of robot,” said Grimaldi. “He’s not a Nexus 6 or anything, because he’s not that advanced, but I think he could be one of the early prototypes for the Nexus 4 or 5. I have an appointment over at the Tyrell Corporation and I hope to get to the bottom of all this shit sometime late next week. We really need to get a handle on this because last time one of these skin-jobs got loose she damn near became vice president. We just can’t allow these walking piles of junk to have any influence on foreign policy. The results could be disastrous.”

Humour

Dumbass Tom Cotton Wins High Praise For CNN Comments

cotton444

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – Numbnuts, dickheads, and reactionary assholes scrambled to the nearest microphones this morning to praise freshman Senator Tom Cotton’s remarks on Indiana’s “Religious Freedom Restoration Act.” The goofy-looking senator from Arkansas made the remarks to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer during an appearance on The Situation Room.

Cotton, like many other right-wing nutjobs, compared the law to the one signed by President Clinton in his first year in office. Apparently he has not read either law or he is so mentally deficient he is unable to tell the difference between the two.

remedial

Then, in a breathtaking example of blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance, Cotton told Blitzer that gays should be glad they live in the United States instead of elsewhere.

“In Iran they hang you for the crime of being gay,” said Cotton. “They’re currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ in Iran. We should focus on the most important priorities that our country faces right now. And I would say that a nuclear armed Iran, given the threat it poses … is the most important thing we could be focusing on right now.”

Cotton, you may recall, is the celebrated author of the famous letter to Iran concerning constitutional law in the United States. The letter was criticized by pundits and political leaders of all stripes for undermining the president at a critical time. The fact that the letter was inaccurate and written in crayon did not help matters either.

Cotton, who has a six-year-old’s grasp of the issues, is apparently able to concentrate on only one issue at a time and seems unaware that his home state of Arkansas is desperately trying to avoid becoming the target for boycotts and outrage over its own “Religious Freedom Act.”

Regardless, idiots came out of the woodwork to praise Cotton for his willingness to stand up for bigotry and hate wherever it rears its ugly head.

Duck Dynasty Season 3

John Bowles, 2008 presidential candidate for the American Nazi Party, told reporters that “I’m damn proud of Tom for standing up for the rights of religious fanatics everywhere. It’s high time someone stood up for bigoted assholes!”

Judge Roy Moore, Alabama’s rogue judge and cretinous zealot, said “Tom Cotton is the kind of guy all of us ignorant rednecks can support wholeheartedly! I hope he decides to run for president!”

Actor, lunatic, and Biblical scholar Phil Robertson remarked, “Tom is just the kind of politician this country needs to lead us back to a time when black people were happy in the cotton fields and gays and lesbians were executed in the town square.” Robertson then went on a 20 minute diatribe about atheists and their genitals.

Cotton is sure to be the target of outrage from every intelligent member of the media and the public for his remarks, but this is nothing new for the senator, and it does not seem to faze him in the least. He seems to let it roll off him like mud off a hog’s back.

For our sake we can only hope that Senator Cotton is “overwhelmed by the Spirit,” and decides to follow his true calling by going on tour in the Middle East and Iran preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.