Tag: Jeb Bush

Humour

Fredo Suspends Campaign To Manage Greyhound Track

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MIAMI – (CT&P) – After a poor performance in Saturday’s South Carolina Republican primary, Jeb Bush suspended his campaign and told supporters that he would be headed back to Florida to help manage a greyhound track close to his home in Coral Gables.

Jeb, known affectionately as “Fredo” within the Bush crime family, said that he was looking forward to managing the track and making money for his mom Barbara, who recently took over the reins of the criminal empire from her husband George.

“I can handle things… I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb! I’m smart… and I want respect!” said Jeb, as he trembled violently in front of a crowd of over 25 supporters. “I never really wanted to run for office. I just want a nice quiet job where I can count money and pet the doggies.”

“We had high hopes for Jeb ever since he was a little kid,” said the new Godmom Barbara, “but he just doesn’t have what it takes to be an international crime boss like his brother.”

Bush is expected to take over as manager of the Furry Friends Greyhound Track in Tamiami in early April after he returns from a brief “toughening up” trip out west under the supervision of Bush capo Richard “The Dick” Cheney.

Humour

Heartbreaking: Jeb Bush May Never Get To Play With The Little Piece Of Iraq His Father & Brother Left For Him

By on February 23, 2016

Iraq map Bush family

When Jeb Bush – brother of George W, son of George Snr – pulled out of the race for President this week, he left many things behind. Not least, the opportunity to muck around with the piece of Iraq that his father had set aside for him twenty five years before.

George Bush Snr said it was a sad day in the Bush family. “I’ve always treated my sons equally. So when I withdrew from Iraq in the early 90s, I left a piece for each of the boys to play with later on. Little George Jnr had so much fun pulling his piece of Iraq apart and trying to put it back together again. It’s just such a pity that Jeb won’t get that same opportunity”.

George W Bush said he had been careful to leave Jeb’s part of Iraq untouched. “I messed around with most of Iraq in my eight years. But I was always careful not to touch Jeb’s little piece. Jeb loves guns. So I just knew it would been something he would love to blow up when he himself became President. Unfortunately that’s not to be”.

Jeb Bush was said to be inconsolable. “He’s worried Donald Trump is going to go in there and demolish his piece of Iraq without any thought for the history of the place”.

Humour, Politics

Jeb Bush Announces Plans To Tour America On ‘Short Bus Express’: If Abbott was American he’d be a Republican front runner before destroying that party as well. The Democrats are trying to recruit him for the job and allow him to have triple nationality

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources within the Bush Campaign have informed several media outlets that the former governor of Florida and presidential candidate will be touring the United States in what pundits have dubbed “The Short Bus Express.” Although official tour dates have not yet been set, an aide to the former governor told reporters at the Tallahassee Cretin Gazette that a bus had already been purchased and was in the process of being repainted and prepared for travel.

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“The Governor feels that he needs to connect face to face with the citizens of this great country so he can deliver his message to Americans in a personal way,” said an aide in an interview with the Gazette. “We plan on traveling from state to state like a troop of reactionary right-wing gypsies spreading the ‘good news’ of the Republican vision for America.”

All of the archaic and antiquated policies of the standard Republican platform will be stressed, according to the aide.

“Tax breaks for the 1%, white male domination in all areas of society, denial of a woman’s right to choose under any circumstances, ignoring climate change and dangerous environmental pollutants, special compensation for giant corporations, making gay marriage illegal once and for all, suppression of minority civil rights, and destruction of our national parks through mining and oil exploration are just a few of the policies that Mr. Bush will be touting,” said the aide.

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“Mr. Bush is solidly behind the Republican agenda of returning America to a pre-Enlightenment society. We firmly believe that if we can just return to a medieval culture and economic system where aristocrats and the church have total control over everyone’s lives, we’ll be much better off.”

Although the bus that the campaign has purchased is rather small, there will room for three Fox News pundits and Mr. Bush’s NRA minder to travel along with the candidate.

One of the most important functions of the Fox News personnel will be to convince poor and weak minded white Americans to vote against their economic interests by playing on racial prejudice and religious beliefs leftover from the Middle Ages.

The NRA operative will be at Jeb’s side 24/7 to insure firearms manufacturers are represented and to make sure Mr. Bush supports the right of every American to be killed by an accidental gunshot wound.

Although this will be the first time Mr. Bush has sought national office, it is by no means the first time he has used a short bus for transportation, and he looks forward to the trip with great glee.

“I just can’t wait to get out there and take the pulse of the American people so I can go to Washington and completely ignore it,” said an excited Mr. Bush. “I really want to do for the whole country what I did for the great state of Florida!”

God help us all.