Following a report released at international negotiations in Peru that names Australia the “worst-performing industrial country in the world on climate change”, Prime Minister Tony Abbott announced that Australia would be declassified as a country. “In the eventuality that we can’t compete on an environmental platform, we will delete Australia as a country completely,” Abbott explained. “It’s easier this way.”

“By officially ceasing to be a nation, the world would just have to accept that the enormous carbon emissions exactly where ‘Australia’ used to be are now just naturally occurring,” the prime minister continued. “Sure, we’d become a nationless collective of vagrants, but it’s better than being constantly reminded I’m personally responsible for smothering future generations with a carbon pillow. I hope everyone will get on board with Team Nowhere.”

ABC Managing Director Mark Scott is said to be relieved, as it will no longer be possible for the ABC to be un-Australian. Former citizens of Australia are advised, if challenged by foreigners pointing to Australia on world maps, to explain that it is simply a patch of land-coloured ocean. “Hopefully this will also send a strong message to boat people trying to get to Australia illegally,” said Immigration Minister Scott Morrison. “Now that Australia doesn’t exist, it’s hard to imagine what reason anybody might have to come here.”

In other news:

Scott Morrison Begins Disembowelling the Weak and Vulnerable After Senate Grants Him New Powers

In Bid To Cease Promotion of Violence, ‘Target’ Changes Its Own Name

News Corp Poll Finds Minus 37% of People Support Renewable Energy

Obama Announces Drone Accidentally Hit Its Target