Excerpted from “Post Metrosexual Lifestyles For Males In The 21st Century,” Curmudgeon Magazine, May 2014

If you are male over fifty years of age who has taken a beat down by bent cops, ex wives, or just society in general, and you’re ready to make a change, moving to a remote, isolated cabin in the woods could be just the thing to recharge your batteries and get you ready for the 4th Quarter of life. Living alone in a wooded mountainous setting offers all kinds of advantages for men who enjoy their own company and are disgusted by what they see going on around the planet. We at Curmudgeon would like to offer you some tips for this creepy and bizarre lifestyle so that you won’t make some of the same mistakes made by other reclusive freaks, such as Howard Hughes, J. D. Salinger, or Ted Kaczynski, better known as the “Unabomber.”

CHOOSE YOUR CABIN CAREFULLY

MAKE SURE YOUR CABIN HAS AT LEAST ONE FUNCTIONAL SATELLITE DISH

BUILD A LIBRARY OF UPLIFTING BOOKS

BUY SEVERAL DOZEN AREA RUGS AND STORE THEM IN A CLOSET

STOCKPILE ENOUGH WEAPONS AND AMMUNITION TO OUTFIT A BRIGADE OF ISIS TERRORISTS

HANG BIZARRE AND OFFENSIVE WORKS OF ART ON YOUR WALLS TO INTIMIDATE UNWANTED GUESTS

CLEAN DISHES AND UTENSILS AT LEAST ONCE PER QUARTER

BUY A PET MONKEY

SUPPORT FRACKING IN YOUR AREA

PLACE A BUST OF HITLER IN YOUR ENTRYWAY

THREATEN ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL THAT HAPPEN TO VISIT YOUR CABIN

CHAIN VICIOUS DOGS TO TREES AT STRATEGIC POINTS IN THE WOODS AROUND YOUR CABIN

BE SURE TO TAKE UP A HOBBY

BE CAUTIOUS WHEN PURCHASING SUPPLIES IN TOWN

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, TUNE TO FOX NEWS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET

We at the Times-Picayune hope that this excerpt from Curmudgeon has been useful to you as you set out to start a new life in the untamed wilderness. Always remember that living alone and cut off from all human contact can be a rewarding experience that will help you achieve the oddball lifestyle you have always dreamed of. We wish you the best of luck and hope that you are in good physical condition as you can forget about ever dialing 911 again for the rest of your miserable life.