THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sierra Leone suffered an embarrassing thrashing today when it was defeated by Ivory Coast 5-1 in an African Cup of Nations qualifying match in front of a nearly empty Felix Houphouet Boigny Stadium. Those fans brave enough to attend the match were given respirators and rubber gloves before entering the stadium.

The game was tied 1-1 at halftime, but Ivory Coast came roaring to life in the second half as its players became accustomed to the giant protective bubble suits the Sierra Leone players were forced to wear by the FIFA officiating crew.

“They weaved and bobbed through our defense as if we were not even there,” said Coach John Sesay. “I think it’s highly irresponsible for the people in charge of this tourney to force our guys to wear these ridiculous suits. Not everyone in Sierra Leone has Ebola, you know.”

The Sierra Leone players managed to hold off the unencumbered Ivory Coast players in the first half by forming a giant protective ring around their goal and knocking down opposing players with their huge inflated suits. However, at halftime Ivory Coast Coach Sabri Lamouchi devised a strategy that spelled doom for the potentially infected team from Sierra Leone.

“Coach told us to form a flying wedge and charge through their bubble-wrap defense, which allowed the player with the ball to dribble along behind it and kick the ball into the goal,” said Salomon Kalou, who scored two of Ivory Coast’s four second half goals. “The change in strategy worked wonders. We kicked their bloody, contaminated asses right off the field in the second period.”

Coach Sesay told reporters that he plans on filing an official complaint with FIFA and the governing board of the tournament as soon as he gets over a slight fever and stomach ailment that started plaguing him late last week.