Cruz Proposes Nationwide Ban On Sale Of Dildos



WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Earlier today during a phone interview on CNBC’s “Squawk Box,” presidential candidate and sexually frustrated deviant Ted Cruz proposed legislation that would institute a nationwide ban on the sale of dildos, vibrators, and any other sex toys designed to entertain or satisfy women.

The legislation, dubbed the “Compensating for a Small Penis Patriotic Religious Freedom Act,” would make the sale of sexual aids illegal in the United States. Anyone attempting to purchase such articles would be faced with “stiff” fines and jail time.

“The Bible says that sex should be restricted to married couples who wish to produce offspring according to God’s plan,” said Cruz.


“A dildo or vibrator inevitably becomes a third party in any relationship, and it’s no different from bigamy, which was outlawed when God changed his mind about all that ‘multiple wives stuff’ and wrote the New Testament.”

Co-host Joe Kernen asked Cruz if he had been smoking something before the interview and implied that he believed that he had clearly lost his fucking mind.

“I’ve long believed that a woman’s place is in the bed or in the kitchen, and because she is the ‘weaker vessel,’ she should always follow her husband’s instructions and do her best to please him, no matter what his perversions may be,” said Cruz.

“God made woman as a helpmate, not an equal, and if a man’s dick is too small to get the job done, then his wife just has to live with it.”

Kelly Evans, co-anchor of “Closing Bell” who happened to be present during the call, abruptly ended the interview by hanging up on Cruz saying that the candidate was a “Neanderthal religious kook who doesn’t stand a chance in hell of ever becoming president, and thank God for that.”

Heidi Cruz, long-suffering wife of the lunatic senator from Texas, issued a press release shortly after the interview that stated that she and Ted would be having a long talk this evening after his appearance in Rochester.